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On Not Being Someone Else: Tales of Our Unled Lives
“To be someone―to be anyone―is about…not being someone else. Miller’s amused and inspired book is utterly compelling.”
―Adam Phillips
“A compendium of expressions of wonder over what might have been…Swept up in our real lives, we quickly forget about the unreal ones. Still, there will be moments when, for good or ill, we feel confronted by our unrealized possibilities.”
― New Yorker
We live one life, formed by paths taken and untaken. Choosing a job, getting married, deciding on a place to live or whether to have children―every decision precludes another. But what if you’d gone the other way?
From Robert Frost to Sharon Olds, Virginia Woolf to Ian McEwan, Jane Hirshfield to Carl Dennis, storytellers of every stripe consider the roads not taken, the lives we haven’t led. What is it that compels us to identify with fictional and poetic voices tantalizing us with the shadows of what might have been? Not only poets and novelists, but psychologists and philosophers have much to say on this question. Miller finds wisdom in all of these, revealing the beauty, the allure, and the danger of sustaining or confronting our unled lives.
“Miller is charming company, both humanly and intellectually. He is onto the theme of unled lives, and the fascinating idea that fiction intensifies the sense of provisionality that attends all lives. An extremely attractive book.”
―James Wood
“An expertly curated tour of regret and envy in literature…Miller’s insightful and moving book―both in his own discussion and in the tales he recounts―gently nudges us toward consolation.”
― Wall Street Journal
“I wish I had written this book…Examining art’s capacity to transfix, multiply, and compress, this book is itself a work of art.”
― Times Higher Education
―Adam Phillips
“A compendium of expressions of wonder over what might have been…Swept up in our real lives, we quickly forget about the unreal ones. Still, there will be moments when, for good or ill, we feel confronted by our unrealized possibilities.”
― New Yorker
We live one life, formed by paths taken and untaken. Choosing a job, getting married, deciding on a place to live or whether to have children―every decision precludes another. But what if you’d gone the other way?
From Robert Frost to Sharon Olds, Virginia Woolf to Ian McEwan, Jane Hirshfield to Carl Dennis, storytellers of every stripe consider the roads not taken, the lives we haven’t led. What is it that compels us to identify with fictional and poetic voices tantalizing us with the shadows of what might have been? Not only poets and novelists, but psychologists and philosophers have much to say on this question. Miller finds wisdom in all of these, revealing the beauty, the allure, and the danger of sustaining or confronting our unled lives.
“Miller is charming company, both humanly and intellectually. He is onto the theme of unled lives, and the fascinating idea that fiction intensifies the sense of provisionality that attends all lives. An extremely attractive book.”
―James Wood
“An expertly curated tour of regret and envy in literature…Miller’s insightful and moving book―both in his own discussion and in the tales he recounts―gently nudges us toward consolation.”
― Wall Street Journal
“I wish I had written this book…Examining art’s capacity to transfix, multiply, and compress, this book is itself a work of art.”
― Times Higher Education
232 pages, Paperback
Published May 3, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
August 6, 2020
My little brother's book. Literary criticism. Hard to be objective!
October 18, 2020
I throughly enjoyed this book. I think the reading experience is comparable to humanities classes in college where during the lecture youre memorized by the knowledge and deep thinking of your professor but then after the class you really can’t remember what is you were suppose to be talking about and have no idea how to study for your midterm.
Miller is a beautiful writer. His analysis’ are poetic and, at times, more profound than the pieces themselves. He very thoughtfully curated all the examples we chose to use and I felt very guided throughout the entire experience. He uses extremely lofty language and analytical tools but he never talks down to his reader. With that being said, I struggle to fully articulate what exactly was the point. There wasn’t a clear thesis or objective to his writing. I think if I sat with the concept I could piece together my own synopsis and conclusion but probably with a good amount of difficulty.
Overall, I think I liked this book because I enjoy ruminating over lofty ideas in literature even if I don’t fully grasp what’s being said. There’s a level of mental wrestling and work that the author is asking you to do. Miller doesn’t appear to really care if you learn anything from this text, but just wanted to extend a friendly invitation to a new light to cast.
Miller is a beautiful writer. His analysis’ are poetic and, at times, more profound than the pieces themselves. He very thoughtfully curated all the examples we chose to use and I felt very guided throughout the entire experience. He uses extremely lofty language and analytical tools but he never talks down to his reader. With that being said, I struggle to fully articulate what exactly was the point. There wasn’t a clear thesis or objective to his writing. I think if I sat with the concept I could piece together my own synopsis and conclusion but probably with a good amount of difficulty.
Overall, I think I liked this book because I enjoy ruminating over lofty ideas in literature even if I don’t fully grasp what’s being said. There’s a level of mental wrestling and work that the author is asking you to do. Miller doesn’t appear to really care if you learn anything from this text, but just wanted to extend a friendly invitation to a new light to cast.
May 16, 2021
I wanted to like this book. I learned of it through a clever and well-reasoned review in The New York Review of Books. Sadly, the review was more informative than the book. The author approaches the subject of the lives we didn't live as a project of English literature rather than coming to grips with the subject itself. If I had been an English major instead of a philosophy major I might have found it agreeable, but he spends the book talking about what other people have said rather than addressing this fascinating subject himself. Also, when he analyzes poems, his approach is usually to talk about punctuation and line breaks. I remain as confounded about the mysteries of my life as ever, and wondering about an alternative life where I still had my $24.98.
June 16, 2021
It turns out that On Not Being Someone Else is about 90% literary criticism and 10% philosophical musings. Ultimately, it reads much more like a very long end-of-term paper, where the author expects that everyone else has read the works in question, and merely describes a topic that he sees in the literature. It at times feels very jumpy and disjointed, beginning to describe a novel without introducing the subject matter. I would have instead preferred the topic addressed with a personal opinion or distillation of a philosophy—with poignant examples from the literature to bring color to the argument—instead of the exposition of a bunch of "random" poems and novels that fit the theme. Even still, in other such books, the author so sufficiently describes the referenced literature that it makes me want to read more on the topic. Not so with On Not Being Someone Else .
Maybe my expectations were too high for this book (seeing as I had it on hold for five months at the library), but there was simply too much literary navel-gazing and not enough descriptions of the author's own inner struggles with such a cumbersome topic. To solidify my point here, Miller notes in some of the last pages of the book, "I dream of a book composed solely of quotations, as if I were to simply say, "There it is." As if I could simply point." (178). This to me, points to an unfinished meal, an unfulfilling appetizer before the main course arrives to satiate our search for answers in unled lives. My appetite is unquenched, but I don't even want to order another dish.
You are probably better off just reading the New Yorker's review of this book, which first turned me onto it, instead of reading the whole book (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/20...).
3.1/5 stars
Maybe my expectations were too high for this book (seeing as I had it on hold for five months at the library), but there was simply too much literary navel-gazing and not enough descriptions of the author's own inner struggles with such a cumbersome topic. To solidify my point here, Miller notes in some of the last pages of the book, "I dream of a book composed solely of quotations, as if I were to simply say, "There it is." As if I could simply point." (178). This to me, points to an unfinished meal, an unfulfilling appetizer before the main course arrives to satiate our search for answers in unled lives. My appetite is unquenched, but I don't even want to order another dish.
You are probably better off just reading the New Yorker's review of this book, which first turned me onto it, instead of reading the whole book (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/20...).
3.1/5 stars
October 15, 2020
This is a small nonfiction work about one of humankind's basest wonderings: the lives we haven't lived, and what might have been if we had. Miller uses poems and stories to illustrate the beauty and danger of dwelling on these unlived lives; I particularly enjoyed his segments on 𝑨𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 (Ian McEwan).
October 27, 2021
Is there a more universally indulged personal fantasy than the one that begins with the phrase “What if …?” What if I had been born to different parents? What if I had been accepted into the college that turned down my application for admission? What if I had never met the person who is now my spouse? The variations are endless, and endlessly fascinating, but ultimately, they would seem to end up as being completely pointless.
Miller, a professor of English at John Hopkins University, cites an impressively wide range of literary sources in showing us the many different ways novelists, poets, philosophers, and filmmakers through the ages have dealt with the universal human inclination to wonder about our “unled” lives. Each example, in its own unique way, has something invaluable to teach us about the life we’re leading, and Professor Miller excels in drawing out exactly what that invaluable learning is with each particular source he discusses.
His consideration of Ian McEwan’s novel Atonement is my personal favorite among the many instances of his superb skills of analysis on display in these pages. But you can have your pick from the likes of Jane Austen, Frank Capra, Charles Dickens, George Eliot, Robert Frost, Thomas Hardy, Henry James, Daniel Kahnemann, Phillip Larkin, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Virginia Wolff, and still others, if these names haven’t already tempted you sufficiently.
What a pleasure it must be to sit in on one of Professor Miller’s class lectures. But for most of us, that pleasure will exist only in one of our many unled lives. Reading his book, however, is a pleasure available to all of us, right here in the life we’re actually leading.
Miller, a professor of English at John Hopkins University, cites an impressively wide range of literary sources in showing us the many different ways novelists, poets, philosophers, and filmmakers through the ages have dealt with the universal human inclination to wonder about our “unled” lives. Each example, in its own unique way, has something invaluable to teach us about the life we’re leading, and Professor Miller excels in drawing out exactly what that invaluable learning is with each particular source he discusses.
His consideration of Ian McEwan’s novel Atonement is my personal favorite among the many instances of his superb skills of analysis on display in these pages. But you can have your pick from the likes of Jane Austen, Frank Capra, Charles Dickens, George Eliot, Robert Frost, Thomas Hardy, Henry James, Daniel Kahnemann, Phillip Larkin, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Virginia Wolff, and still others, if these names haven’t already tempted you sufficiently.
What a pleasure it must be to sit in on one of Professor Miller’s class lectures. But for most of us, that pleasure will exist only in one of our many unled lives. Reading his book, however, is a pleasure available to all of us, right here in the life we’re actually leading.
June 6, 2022
Loved loved loved. Definitely more literary theory which I’m not as used to but actually really enjoyed. This is not a philosophical approach to our unled lives, exactly, but rather an examination of our imaginary selves — what could have been — through various literary and cinematic lenses. Super compelling from start to finish, though I did find it tough to follow at times when Miller was discussing works I wasn’t familiar with. I have so many favorite quotations from this book (read with pen in hand!) but I’ll just include a portion from the epigraph which I think summarizes the preoccupations of the book perfectly:
We saw for a moment laid out among us the body of the complete human being whom we have failed to be, but at the same time, cannot forget.
— Woolf, The Waves
We saw for a moment laid out among us the body of the complete human being whom we have failed to be, but at the same time, cannot forget.
— Woolf, The Waves
October 5, 2020
I could not manage to finish this book. I felt the writer was trying to impress rather than communicate. Do yourself a favor. Skip the book and read the review written by Gary Drevitch in Psychology Today. He does a beautiful job of concisely expressing the message the writer tries to convey in this book. Unlike the book, I found the review very stimulating. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/ar...
February 1, 2021
For this English major, this book was a fun return to literary criticism lite. The author, in coming to terms with his own state in mid-life, explores poems, movies, art and fiction for tales of unled lives and the ways in which small choices shape our larger, lived life. As a middle-aged person myself who is coming to terms with the path on which I am now irrevocably on--and the banality, ordinariness and splendor of it all, I really enjoyed the read.
Read
May 31, 2021Stirring discussion of art, lives unlived. “We live in the presence of something meaningful, but don’t possess it. And so, we work hard, deeply, and let something nameless open in the heart; we pause and then try to paint it clearly, to touch it with repeated dabs of words: ‘This, This,’ we say. This.”
March 26, 2023
I couldn’t finish this one—felt like the same argument over and over again.
April 29, 2022
Like many reviewers, I mistakenly picked up this book thinking it would address the philosophical issue of the lives we did not lead. However, this book doesn’t make an overall argument of any kind but rather explores the lives we imagine for ourselves through literature. More of a book for someone with a disposition for literary criticism than philosophy like me. Here are a number of notable thoughts that I found scattered throughout the book:
The thought that you only live once being different from the thought that there is only one way your life can go. The former is about mortality, the latter singularity.
The disappointing realisation that our past is fixed, we cannot make it go a different way; the bewilderment of realising that the events of our past could have made all the difference, and yet sometimes no cause seems sufficient to have made much difference at all. For many, college marks the point where things really could have gone differently, it marks the boundary between the chaos of childhood and taking a path that radiates into distinct pathways.
Thinking about who we could have been raises the problem of personal identity: sameness despite change. Aristotle: no one would choose to have all that is good on the condition of being someone else. This points to the seemingly paradoxical desire to be both me and someone else. At once made bigger by all the people I am not and smaller for day dreaming at the expense of this life.
The thought that you only live once being different from the thought that there is only one way your life can go. The former is about mortality, the latter singularity.
The disappointing realisation that our past is fixed, we cannot make it go a different way; the bewilderment of realising that the events of our past could have made all the difference, and yet sometimes no cause seems sufficient to have made much difference at all. For many, college marks the point where things really could have gone differently, it marks the boundary between the chaos of childhood and taking a path that radiates into distinct pathways.
Thinking about who we could have been raises the problem of personal identity: sameness despite change. Aristotle: no one would choose to have all that is good on the condition of being someone else. This points to the seemingly paradoxical desire to be both me and someone else. At once made bigger by all the people I am not and smaller for day dreaming at the expense of this life.
October 23, 2021
One part philosophy, one part literary analysis, this book checks all the marks for me. Forces introspection while examining great works of fiction and poetry. I admit that this sort of navel-gazing is not for everyone, so this review, more than most, is biased towards my own personal tastes. Overall, this book is an examination of who we are not and the literary obsession and need to examine those 'not-lives' we have led. Also, by examining who we not-are, we can see more clearly who we are: the only person we can be and will ever be. Forces one to look back at all their choice, small and large and think about what could have been, but also comforts oneself with the thought that without all those choices, we would not have been who we are now, at the present moment. The works chosen to be examined are deep and rich, as is the parsing of language. Maybe a bit highbrow, but my kind of highbrow.
January 26, 2021
Having watched the Amazon series "Counterpart", I am fascinated by alternate and even parallel realities. So, when I heard a review of this book (or read about it), I thought I should give it a chance. Alas, I don't think Miller would be interested in my approach to this theme, i.e. the scifi/counterfactual fiction approach. Instead, Miller is all about poetry and very British and some American fiction, and the lone film It's A Wonderful Life. His take on this film is, for me, entirely forgettable, as is the entire book except for the wonderful episode from This American Life. However, I recognize that my take is decidedly barbaric, uncouth, and (ironically) bordering on illiterate. That is, someone for whom the Miller literary reference base has appeal, this may just be your reflective text on roads untaken.
March 11, 2022
Appropriately, I rate this book for what it should be, not for what it is. The idea is amazing, the prose wasn't engaging -at least for me. all the great things about this book are quotes -which is the point of the book, so not criticizing that.
It did bring to my attention "The God that Loves you" by Carl Dennis, which was a great finding.
Fantastic quote by Aristotle: "no one would choose to have all that is good on condition of becoming someone else, but only on condition of still being just himself"
From Leibniz: "What would be the use of becoming the King of China on the condition that you forget what you have been? Would this not be the same thing as God creating the King of China at the same time as he destroyed you?"... I personally think that having children is a loophole to the subjective perspective which is the precondition of identity.
It did bring to my attention "The God that Loves you" by Carl Dennis, which was a great finding.
Fantastic quote by Aristotle: "no one would choose to have all that is good on condition of becoming someone else, but only on condition of still being just himself"
From Leibniz: "What would be the use of becoming the King of China on the condition that you forget what you have been? Would this not be the same thing as God creating the King of China at the same time as he destroyed you?"... I personally think that having children is a loophole to the subjective perspective which is the precondition of identity.
January 7, 2022
I haven't read a book on literary criticism in a while. I was drawn to it because I read something about Jane Hirshfield and one of her poems is included in this book.
Interesting examination of unled lives in poetry, novels and films. Author draws on wide sources to discover the "what if's" of our lives and how unled lives are portrayed in literature. Unled lives is much of novels.
I liked the first and third of the book, but the second section is bogged down in a lengthy discussion of Atonement. I wasn't that enamored with Atonement and not so much interested in the discourse.
All in all I am glad I read this work.
Interesting examination of unled lives in poetry, novels and films. Author draws on wide sources to discover the "what if's" of our lives and how unled lives are portrayed in literature. Unled lives is much of novels.
I liked the first and third of the book, but the second section is bogged down in a lengthy discussion of Atonement. I wasn't that enamored with Atonement and not so much interested in the discourse.
All in all I am glad I read this work.
November 5, 2022
Thoughtful and nicely written.
I’d read a review somewhere, maybe the NYT, from which I’d gathered this book was a philosophical/psychological/spiritual reflection on personal singularity. Turned out to be more literary criticism, which I generally appreciate but is not what I was after with this theme. Not the author’s fault, or the reviewer’s, really — just a mismatch for me. I’d love to hear the author reflect more personally on the theme, but that’d be another book, I guess!
If you like literary crit, you might be interested in this.
I’d read a review somewhere, maybe the NYT, from which I’d gathered this book was a philosophical/psychological/spiritual reflection on personal singularity. Turned out to be more literary criticism, which I generally appreciate but is not what I was after with this theme. Not the author’s fault, or the reviewer’s, really — just a mismatch for me. I’d love to hear the author reflect more personally on the theme, but that’d be another book, I guess!
If you like literary crit, you might be interested in this.
August 30, 2021
A stunning and thought-provoking account of the ways in which we negotiate the business of being human, of making choices and of making stories out of those choices. It might sound strange to some to say this is the best book that I've read in years - most people might choose a novel or similar - but for me, it really is. This, for me, gets to the heart of why we wonder about what ifs, and the things we've missed, and in doing so, tells a compelling story of its own.
September 17, 2021
A fascinating topic. The treatment was a bit too scattered for me, though. I understand he's not writing a traditional academic monograph, that he adopts a fragments structure, but it didn't add up for me. The snippets of literature and analysis felt like so many beads on a string; it felt repetitive after a while.
June 16, 2023
A really interesting book that does well in focusing a single idea throughout many forms of both recognizable and less popular literature. This book is a great philosophy topic and the author is really truly limited by the format of strictly reviewing literature. The moments where the author goes off more anecdotally are my favorite in the book.
January 24, 2021
Nice exploration of the paths not taken, the choices not made & the lives not lead through mostly books & poetry, but also film & art. Written in short sections, giving lots of chances to stop & reflect. It’s a great curation, but it had less of an impact on me than I was expecting.
April 4, 2021
It may be great as a book of literary analysis it may be great. But as a way to understand paths amd life changes, not good. This fits if you want to read high end literary analysis of the type you may do I'm high school and college.
April 9, 2022
A thorough and insightful book of literary criticism. Nicely crafted and entertaining throughout.
May 24, 2023
Matter: interesting, Result: ineffectual.
August 11, 2023
Read a chunk. I like his writing. But feels a bit like he's going around in circles for the sake of pondering the interesting topic. Lacking a bit in answers and ideas I guess.
Read
December 30, 2023Maggie Nelson convinced a generation and a half of English professors that they were “writers”
April 11, 2025
3.5 stars
May 28, 2025
I found this book very interesting. I don't normally read literary criticism, but I loved this. It's also very philosophical. It led me to a number of other novels and poems I want to read now.
September 29, 2025
Nearly completely literary criticism of works themed with the path not taken. Might be great for those wanting that. Even then, Miller’s writing style is complicated to digest. I was looking for his own musings on the topic, not analysis of other works.
February 27, 2024
this could’ve been a three minute tiktok.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews