Pandora's Legions

by Christopher Anvil

The mighty Centran Empire had been conquering star systems for centuries -- and then they took on Earth. And in spite of their more advanced weapons, the Centrans weren't sure just who had conquered who.

Genres: Science Fiction, Fiction, Ebooks, Military Science Fiction, Fantasy, Military Fiction, War

379 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published February 1, 2002

About the author

Christopher Anvil was a pseudonym used by author Harry C. Crosby. He began publishing science fiction with the story "Cinderella, Inc." in the December 1952 issue of the science fiction magazine Imagination. By 1956, he had adopted his pseudonym and was being published in Astounding Magazine.

Anvil's repeated appearances in Astounding/Analog were due in part to his ability to write to one of Campbell's preferred plots: alien opponents with superior firepower losing out to the superior intelligence or indomitable will of humans. A second factor is his stories are nearly always humorous throughout. Another was his characterization and manner of story crafting, where his protagonists slid from disaster to disaster with the best of intentions, and through exercise of fast thinking, managed to snatch victory somehow from the jaws of defeat.

Reviews

[Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

The aliens of Centra have won the war against Earth only to find that they are not clever enough to keep the peace.
The humans infiltrate all the military and political levels of Centran society. They end up fighting FOR the Centrans on far away planets.

Who is who?
"We took this stitching-gun we captured around to find out who made it. Wouldn't you think they could just look at it and tell us? No, sir! Not them! We showed it to the Mairicuns first. One of them said it didn't look like one of their jobs. He thought the Rushuns made it. The Rushuns said it wasn't one of theirs. Theirs had wheels on them. Try the Beljuns. The Beljuns said they didn't make it. Maybe the Frentsh did. The Frentsh looked it over and said, Oh, no, that was a Nazy job. And where were the Nazies? They were wiped out years ago."

Remember that we won
"Still," said Horsip, "we're the conquerors."

"I just hope they stay conquered," said Moffis fervently.

Beware the salesman
"While you were on this planet, Horsip, did you happen to have any experience with a . . . ah . . ." Roffis glanced at a document flattened onto his desk—" 'glorious sun-drenched quarter acre on the warm sandy shores of a hidden inlet on Florida's unspoiled west coast, all conveniences, golf course, pool, garbage pick-up, and exclusive clubhouse'?"

Horsip looked blank. "No, sir, I never ran into anything like that."

"XXth Rest and Recuperation Battalion," said Roffis, "purchased some of these 'sun-drenched quarter acres' for a rest and recuperation center for IInd Western Occupation Command."

Maklin scowled. " 'Purchased'? Why not requisition them?"

"According to this document, the commanding officer intended to do just that, but got into a conversation with the 'sales manager' of the HiDry Land Reclamation Corporation, and the result was that the battalion bought the land 'on time.' " Roffis glanced at Horsip. "What is 'on time'?"

"I suppose . . . h'm . . . 'on time' would mean 'without delay,' wouldn't it?"

"To get the 'down payment,' the commanding officer got talked into going to a 'loan company.' "

"Loan company," said Horsip. "That sounds like a usurer."

"This outfit," said Roffis, "charged 25 percent. The battalion pledged its space transport as 'collateral' for the loan."

Maklin growled, "Then what happened?"

"The battalion couldn't repay the loan—naturally, where would they get local currency, unless they stole it—so, the loan company claimed the transport. Then the HiDry Land Reclamation Corporation 'repossessed' the 'sun-drenched quarter acres.' The result is that the Earthmen have the space transport, and the XXth Rest and Recuperation Battalion has insect bites, sunburn, and three men 'presumed eaten up by alligators.' "

Immerse yourself in tales of brave, inventive humans tackling the bad guys of the galaxy.


Enjoy!

[Rebecca · Rating 1 out of 5]

This...didn't age well.

For starters, apparently it was originally intended to be one book, but since it was written in the 70s, the author ended up getting half of the chapters published as short stories and then serialized the rest as a separate novel. The editor joyfully tells us that they stitched the two back together, alternating chapters essentially, to form a harmonious whole as was originally intended.

It doesn't work.

The premise is that aliens surprise and initially overwhelm us due to our own infighting. But it quickly emerges that we're a lot smarter than them, and the conquest turns into a siege and eventually an awkward truce, and then we take over most of their empire, spreading our terrible ideas all over the place.

The overall attitude is an incredibly knock-off-Heinlein bit of hooey that tries to combine human exceptionalism (we're totally the smartest things ever!) and an incredibly one-dimensional cynicism (I'm going to complain about how we go overboard by having the galaxy completely overwhelmed by a mix of petty dictators, rebels-without-causes, and snake oil salesmen!) It does not prove that humans are intelligent by setting up strawmen aliens to be bewildered. Nor does it prove that humans are flighty by setting strawmen dictators/revolutionaries/capitalists. The author clearly thinks he's very clever and has made a devastating point. He's not. He hasn't.

The short stories follow the adventures of a human military officer who winds up in the Centran army. Each story is at least entertaining, if a little objectivist "everything would be better if only authority figures I don't like would bow to the obvious superiority of the junior guy I made up as if that proves something". In each of these, which have been turned into chapters scattered at random through the book, he's tasked with subduing some uppity natives who aren't properly rolling over for the Centran overlords. (Why is it necessary for the aliens to conquer all of the galaxy, and we should therefore root for them? Look over there, shiny!) But the solutions are relatively clever, at least. I did actually enjoy these sections, as dated over-imperialist dogman that was still kinda enjoyable.

The rest of the book is the tale of a Centran general who tries to keep the humans from tearing the empire apart. Very little actually happens, because the guy ignores characterization like the wussy stuff it is, but isn't so great at creating real tension for upper level politics. There are not one, but two deus ex machinas. (Possibly three, if you count Columbia.) As the book was originally written, with the human military officer basically off-stage for everything, it would have been four. So, that happened.

And the philosophy. Oy. Most of this is self-congratulatory back slapping in which a lower officer righteously triumphs over a stupid superior, again as if that proves something when the author is the one who made the superior dumb. (No dumb superior ever turns out to have a legitimate reason for their actions--no, it's just that people in authority are dumb, so people the author likes should be in charge.) Anyone who got higher education is dumb. Anyone with a political opinion is dumb. Anyone with PTSD is malingering. People should be slapped until they wise up, and then go be virtuous farmers or lower level soldiers who stop education at 18. Oh, and women don't exist. At all. Seriously, there is not a single female character in the entire book.

There is a kind of righteous joy in watching stupid characters get slapped down. And the military exploits are interesting puzzles. But man, this is a fabulous example of the worst of classic science fiction.

[Ryk Spoor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Long ago, when I was in 6th grade, my teacher Mr. Dickinson gave me two SF books to read. One of them, Second-Stage Lensmen by Doc Smith, transformed my world forever (I've talked about that in detail on my own site, www.grandcentralarena.com, one of my early blog posts). The other was Pandora's Planet, the earlier edition of Pandora's Legions.

Pandora's Planet was the first story I ever encountered which was told from the point of view of the alien invaders, rather than human beings. It was a Campbellian "Humanity Uber Alles" type of story, but with quite a twist as the human "superiority" was also shown to be potentially dangerous not just to the aliens but to humans, ultimately. The story follows the career of one particular officer, Klide Horsip of the Centran military forces, from his initial encounter with the "lop-tailed humanoids" (human beings, as we know them) and the hellish work necessary to finish the conquest of a single planet, and then through his observation of the effect of humanity's spread through the Centran civilization and the eventual solution of the problem they pose -- as well as other problems that arise to threaten both sides.

When Pandora's Legions was published I had some trepidation at trying to read it again. Would it hold up to my fond memories?

It did. Very well.

Oh, there are undoubted signs of its age -- there are no female characters of any significance in the book, for instance, and the technology of Earth and Centra both show that they couldn't have been written much later than the mid-60s or so, since there are essentially no computers, microprocessors, etc., or even many directed energy weapons (lasers et al.).

In some ways the latter actually makes the book feel more solid; the Centrans may have some technological tricks we don't (FTL travel, for instance) but they don't have some kind of physics-breaking handwavy superweapons; they still use guns and tanks and such, and have been for many, many centuries indeed.

The central plotline, the twists and turns, these all hold up well, and I found Klide Horsip an even more engaging protagonist than I had expected. This particular edition is also improved by the addition of the separate stories of "Able Hunter", a human agent and his handpicked crew working for the Centran government to help troubleshoot things in various locations around the Galaxy. In "Pandora's Planet" these adventures were alluded to only in passing to explain what the human character was up to when Klide didn't see him around; adding them in gives us more depth to the universe and two points of view for what's going on.

I might, honestly, not give this a whole five stars, but it's a solid four and a half, and since I've seen a number of much lower review ratings I'm giving it five.

[Teresa Carrigan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alien invasion, mostly from the invader's viewpoint. Quite funny in places. I particularly like the scenes where Able Hunter is thinking totally outside the box to solve what appear to be impossible situations.

[Debrac2014 · Rating 2 out of 5]

Humorous take on an alien invasion of Earth! It was OK, I found it more inane than funny.

[MB Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

I finished reading Pandora’s Legions a couple of weeks ago. I read it on my Nook after downloading it for free from Baen Books (http://www.baen.com/library). It’s pretty decent (faint praise, I know). Although published in 2002, it’s a repackaging of work published between 1959 and 1972. That said it works pretty well as a novel.

For the most part I enjoyed it, but its twin themes of how ridiculous humans are and how smart humans are get a little stale.

The novel starts with the invasion of a planet going terribly wrong. The would be conquerors discover they’re up against way more than they bargained for. We discover fairly quickly, that the point of view characters are the aliens and the planet they’ve stubbed their toes on is Earth. Turns out the rulers of the Galactic empire are not the sharpest tools in the shed and we’re the smartest race they’ve run up against. It’s an interesting concept, but not especially new now (of course in 1959, it may have been novel). The first time I remember running across it was in a book whose name I’ve forgotten by (I think) Lin Carter. In that book the empire builders were not very smart at all, they were just methodical and they’d had a long time to figure things out. Anvil’s aliens are quite so much dumber than humans; they just don’t tend to think outside the box.

Pandora’s Legions is the first of a eight volume set of the complete(?) science fiction work of Christopher Anvil. I picked up one of them (not sure which) because it promised to be humorous and I like humorous SF. I didn’t read it, but did look at the notes and discovered it was part of this series. So being me, I started hunting up the others. I found them all except Pandora’s Legions. This really bummed be out, since I like to read things “in order” (whatever that means). Then I got my Nook, and I started looking around for free ebooks to download and discovered this one. So I read it.

I enjoyed it; it’s not a great book, but it has both its humorous and clever moments. I’m not going to read the other seven books of Anvil’s work right away, but I hope I get to them eventually.

[YouKneeK · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pandora’s Legions is a mix of short stories and a serialized novel broken apart and combined into a single chronological book. This actually worked quite well as far as coherency goes; the book was consistent and relatively seamless. I probably wouldn’t have realized it wasn’t originally published that way had I not already known otherwise. For the most part, the stories are told from the perspective of two different characters – one human and one alien. I think the larger bulk was told from the perspective of the member of the alien species, the Centrans. The Centrans dominate the galaxy, exploring new worlds, conquering them, and then apparently assimilating them into their own culture. In the first story the Centrans encounter Earth and the humans are unlike anything they’ve ever encountered.

This book was by turns funny and dry, but it leaned more heavily on the dry side in my opinion. The stories were written between the mid 50’s through early 70’s and it showed its age. The thing that kept sticking out to me, as I read the e-book on my Kindle, was the excessive amount of paper in the stories. We have paper informational printouts, paper communications, paper announcements, and paper reports. We have stacks upon stacks upon stacks of paper reports. They’re leaning against the walls, toppling over, covering desks, and at times it seemed like they were being referred to on every page of the book. We get to read snippets of these reports, which are often written in an intentionally dry and pedantic manner or, less often, in an intentionally convoluted manner. I sometimes had as much trouble getting through the sections about the reports as the characters had getting through the reports themselves.

But the book did have several funny moments, and I liked the main characters. There were times when I became quite caught up in the stories -- mainly the ones that had fewer reports in them! Some stories focused more on action taking place on one of the planets, while other stories focused more on the Centrans and their attempts to understand and decide what to do about the humans. The former were far more interesting to me.

[David Major · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is clever, entertaining writing. Easy to read, it picks you up and happily takes you on a trip through the various trials of being an alien (a Centran) trying to civilize the universe.

On one level, it’s a fast-moving, and in many places even light-hearted (yes, really), war story, set on various planets and with various humanoid races totally failing to understand each other. On another level, it possesses a philosophical undercurrent, concerned with the question of what makes humans the strange and constantly inventive creatures that you all are.

I found myself empathizing (and sympathizing) with the furry, betailed Centrans, who are as entertaining in their diversity as any human character could be, as they try with varying degrees of success to handle and learn from humans.

There are absolutely no female characters in the story. Not one; not even someone’s mum or girlfriend. No, this is a lads’ story of military exploits, political skullduggery, and tough and clever daring-do-ness. This isn’t a criticism – it is what the story is, and within those parameters, it is an enjoyable, well-written and well-edited read.

My favorite part: the chapter about the teleporting aliens, and the mind-boggling (well mine was boggled anyway) cleverness that Towers (Able Hunter) was forced to come up with to deal with them.

See it and download it for free on webscription.net. Well worth the click it costs.

[Jon Norimann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing spectacular or creative but solid writing about humans meeting other intelligent life forms

[Fcsuper · Rating 3 out of 5]

This review contains no plot point spoilers. Pandora's Legions has a cleaver concept for its plot. A galactic empire has invaded Earth. The only problem for them is that other than having the ability for space travel, their technology is no more advanced than roughly 18th Century Earth; and that the Earth's inhabitants seem to be a lot smarter. The book tells the story of what happens when these seemingly hapless aliens get out classed by us lowly "Earthmen". Despite the nature of this story, it can be classified as Soft SciFi since it doesn't go into depth about futuristic technology. It just tells the story as though everything is matter of fact. I like this sort of SciFi from time to time because it's great to just be able to read a story without getting bogged down with technological details. This is ironic since part of the premise of this story is directly related to how technological differences between societies can create certain outcomes. It is my impression that Pandora's Legions is social commentary born from the Viet Nam War era. It's a story that is even more relevant today than it was then, given the current state of world affairs.

The story is definitely from another era in terms of social queues. There is not one female character in this book. Females are mentioned in passing early in the book as nothing more than someone for brief companionship. The book is so male centric that the use of the term "Earthmen" is considered the official way to refer to people from Earth. I had to role my eyes when I reached that point in the book.

So, the idea behind this book is good. It is entertaining and humorous at times. However, my impression is that the book has inconsistent quality in the areas of story telling and writing. At times is it an enjoyable read. Other significant portions are just tiresome. This is a no spoiler review, so I will not go into specifics regarding this. That said, I almost didn't bother finishing the first chapter, let alone the whole book. But, I gave it a chance. I'm glad I did. Pandora's Legions is OK and worth the read.

[Jim · Rating 3 out of 5]

IS IT TOO LATE TO NEGOTIATE A SURRENDER

The Centran Empire was both benevolent and complacent. Benevolent, even as it overwhelmed every new inhabited planet it encountered with its military might—but once the planet was pacified, its inhabitants were uplifted to Centran standards of living and the benefits of membership in the Empire. Complacent, because the Empire had long been expanding without encountering more than minor obstacles. And then they came across Pandora's Planet, that is, Earth....

In spite of the Centran superiority in technology, the conquest of Earth took over three months, when the invaders were used to wrapping things up in less than two weeks. But ""conquest"" might be too optimistic a term to use, since the locals were still waging guerrilla warfare and sabotage, and the Centrans were hanging on by their equivalent of fingernails. And then the Centran scientists tested a group of humans and found that the humans were more intelligent than the Centrans.

One Centran leader had an idea that might save the Centrans from being ignominiously kicked off the planet again. Since the humans were good at war, why not put together teams of humans to go out to the fringes of Centran space and handle planets that were proving difficult The teams performed magnificently—but back in the heart of the Empire, humans and their weird new ideas were spreading like wildfire, and if something weren't done soon, the humans would end up running the former Centran Empire....

At the publisher's request, this title is sold without DRM (Digital Rights Management).

[Gregorio · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book proved so hard to find that at first I was afraid it wouldn't live up to my own hype (I had it get lost in the mail TWICE!), when I finally got around to reading it... Wow. It's an amazing sci-fi story, quite different from the usual in the genre; characters are mostly quite likable and the situations they're put in grow more and more absurd as the pages go. In a way, it reminded me a bit of The High Crusade

[Brian Greiner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hmm, this is getting a bit long in the tooth to rate properly. I gave it a 3, but maybe a 2-1/2 might be closer. Although parts of it should be 3-1/2. So, 3 on average.
Think of it as a thought experiment sort of thing. A series of short stories intended to get one thinking. A series of adventures, somewhat light in tone, but trying to get a message of some sort across without being overbearing about it. I read it decades ago when it was new, then last year (2014), and still enjoyed it (but perhaps not as much as when I was younger).

[Alec · Rating 3 out of 5]

interesting ideas. I read the first chapter as a short story many years ago, so picked this up when I saw it, but the first story was definitely the strongest. This was originally published as a series of short stories, and it shows, but it was still an entertaining read and is available free on the publishers website.

[Richard Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This novel that was originally 2 seperate novels written about the same time period, combined into one. It was well written but bogged down in the middle. If you push through, then the end was very good and the story included as an appendix was also very enjoyable.

[Chris Cline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Classic Sci-Fi, and funny to boot

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed it. I also liked his Interstellar Patrol books, which show the same sense of humor, and also hold up well -- a good trick for 45-year-old SF.

[Gordon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating, humorous tale of alien invasion, told from the other side. To say any more would be spoilers.

[Maelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Humorous take on human beings and intelligence

[Gene Komaromi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great story. As Earth Men move into the Galaxy they bring used car lots, pollution, fraud and crime to the universe. Hmm sounds plausible.

[Titus G · Rating 3 out of 5]

Outwitting clever aliens. Re-read from March 2014.

[Doug Sundseth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Earth has been invaded by a giant alien empire. The thing is, the dominant species in that empire isn't especially bright. Note that this is a fix-up novel, built from two series of stories published in monthly SF magazines.

There are two main threads in this book:

In the first, we have the gullible aliens dealing with obstreperous Earthmen. The Earthmen can convince the aliens of the value of nearly any wild idea, with often disastrous consequences. Anvil uses these to expose many absurdities in our lives and offer what he considers a better way.

In the second, we see a military officer who is tasked with solving refractory problems for the alien empire through the kind of guile and tricks that only a smart human can come up with. These are often interesting problems, and the solutions are indeed innovative. Unfortunately, they often don't make a great deal of sense after reflection.

This book is almost the same as "Pandora's Planet", which I first read in the '70s, with just the addition of another story lampooning psychiatry (which is entertaining, but rather facile). When I read it, I thought it was brilliant, but as is often the case, it doesn't hold up as well to another reading at this remove. It's just a bit too far on the "look how clever I am" side of SF stories for lasting impact.

That said, it's still entertaining, and if I were reading it for the first time I'm sure I would still love it today. I do recommend it for what it is, but it's not the favorite book that it was 40 - 50 years ago.

[Ronald Spitzer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I remember really liking these stories years ago. I likely read them when they were magazine published. From today's perspective they are lacking. The biggest fault is lack of characterization and any growth. The other noticeable effect is the basic attitude of the stories. That attitude of self confidence that humans are superior, inventive and just plain better than all other races in the galaxy. This is the brash confidence of America when it could achieve anything (pride before the fall) as well the fact we as a nation have been too often the incompetent non-comprehension side in our too many interventions into other nations affairs.

[Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the best!

Christopher Anvil writes excellent and interesting stories.

This may be his very best work. But you will absolutely enjoy some of his other writing.

I don't give 5 stars to anything but Hugo/Nebula winners. There are a lot of top drawer stories that don't win. This is excellent.
Enjoy.

[Don Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best

Have subscribed to Analog/Astounding since 62. Also went back and purchased most of the back issues to the beginning of the Campbell years.
Anvil was always one of my stand pout favotites!!

[Almustafa Couch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although a fix up novel made from 4 sauces it was a mighty fine book and all 4 didn't need a lot of padding to fit together (as a coherent book). It is worth reading the additional text in this book.
I would recommend this book to any Sci-fi freak who doesn't mind a bit of military sci-fi.

[James · Rating 3 out of 5]

Seperate stories with Interesting ideas woven together.

[David Key · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anothe great addition to the Anvil Anthologies

Combining humor with solid science fiction themes. A form combining detection and military action. Good early to mid 60s story.

[Michael Harry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of fun. Quick read with a lot of interesting scenarios and stuff going on.

[Akiva ꙮ · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bad. Baaaad. I haven't finished reading it, but all the enjoyment has been wrung out and stomped to death by now, so I probably won't.

The first few chapters are the aliens sitting around and recounting how they finally have Earth under control---sort of---and trying to solve the remaining tactical and political problems. This part is actually pretty entertaining, even though it's all tell and no show. Plucky Earthlings making trouble! Beleaguered bureaucrats! Yay! Finally, they get the wise idea to incorporate Earth into the rest of the interstellar society through reverse psychology, so that's all right then.

More or less instantly, we introduce what's-his-face, alias Able Hunter, an Earth general who chafes under his superiors and will be joining the alien forces as a guerilla-tactics problem solver. What is this guy's deal? The Earth insurrection hasn't been dead for more than a paragraph and he's already signing up to subdue other alien civilizations for the enemy? The other mystery about Able Hunter is that he didn't wash out of the military 30 years ago. He has an intense antipathy for authority, plus a passive-aggressive streak a mile wide.

All of AH's chapters are studies of tactics in various situations, and I don't particularly enjoy sitting around trying to figure out what the fuck the author is trying to describe and why I should think it's clever. YMMV. But what really killed the novel for me was two chapters I hated, one right after the other:

One chapter in which the two alien generals scope out a planet newly "conquered" by human culture. Turns out that everyone on welfare is a malingerer defrauding the system. Okay. Our "heroes" get into trouble and are taken in by a priest with road rage. Although I don't think road rage accurately conveys that this guy has an indestructible carnivore for a carthorse which can be released from its traces to destroy other cars and kill all their occupants at the touch of a button. (I think this is supposed to be funny.) By the way, he's a priest. I don't even. I can't even.

The other chapter in which Able Hunter lands on a planet full of stupid savages who don't know they're defeated and keep attacking the invading force, which is a downer for the soldiers who have to kill them. If all that wasn't disturbing enough on its own, this is also where we get the full blast of how AH deals with hierarchy. Again, I think I was supposed to find it funny, but all I got out of it was that AH is an asshole.

If all that wasn't enough, I'm at 36% in and I have never read a book with fewer female characters. There are literally none. Not even off-screen mentions of wives or mothers. I thought for a moment that one of the nameless cameo scientists had been referred to with female pronouns, but it turned out I was hallucinating. In fact, I just took advantage of technology to do a search for the words "she" and "her." What I got: a paraphrase of the "Pandora's Box" myth, a bus, a statue in a fountain, and a planet. Nice.

I got it for free from Baen as an e-book, so.