"I was toxic for her—she was poison for me."
I'm finding it hard to write about this book. Make no mistake: these two, Julian and Autumn, are really toxic together. But, somehow, I couldn't stop myself from reading and wanting more and more. Because they're also perfect for each other and I don't think anyone else would do.
"His eyes were my mood ring."
It's easy to dismiss Christian as just an asshole who cares about nothing and no one, but deep down, he's more. He's been shaped by his past, his childhood, and being left by his parents. I don't think he knows how to deal with most things, so now that he's the Alpha CEO he can just throw money at stuff and make it go away. Apparently, not all of it, though.
"But it’s your laugh, your smile, your heart, the way you can see through my bullshit—it’s what really takes ahold of me."
I had a harder time with Autumn. She sort of gave me whiplash sometimes. She wants him, she loves him, she hates him, she wants to kill him. However, I also get her: it's hard to distance yourself from someone who's been part of you your whole life, someone who's hurt you but who made you feel things no one else did. And I do think she both loves and hates him with everything she's got.
"Getting your heart broken for the first time was like having the wind knocked out of you by the force of a level five hurricane."
This is a best friend's sister book, so Autumn was in love with Julian, who was older than her and saw her as just a kid. Only he didn't, but he wouldn't act on it – due to her brother and their family having taken him in, and a misguided sense of loyalty.
Until he did. I'm a huge fan of flashbacks, and I was happy to get them in this book, instead of just telling it all at once.
"I’ve tasted you, kid. From your mouth, to your pussy, to every inch of your body. I stole your first kiss, your first orgasm, your first fuck—there’s no coming back from that, Autumn."
I loved how he took all of her firsts. He was loving and caring to her, and definitely protective, but also hard and cruel at times. The dichotomy between loving Julian and mean Julian was probably the most interesting thing for me. It led to some pretty good tension between them.
“You want the man I was ten years ago, and he’s not here anymore, Autumn. He died the day I left you.”
Julian leaves. He breaks her heart in order to leave her behind, because he thinks he has to. I hated him for it, but I also understood him. It would be easier for her if she hated him than if she were to remain in love with him, stuck to something that could never be.
Ten years later, he's an arrogant, cocky billionaire, and she's a publicist who gets tasked with working with him. Another woman (myself included) would run away from it, because it would be too much. She doesn't. She's not a little girl anymore. There's a war inside her, and her heart (and body) and her brain are on opposites sides of it.
"I became that man because I’d left my heart and soul with you."
Their love borderlines (or is) obsession. Years later, they're still hung up on each other, and it's like nothing changed. You see the things he remembers about her, the moments, the conversations, and how much he wants to be forgiven for leaving. How much he wants to turn back time. How much he wants her. But you also see how much he hurt her in the process, and no one would blame her if she chose to walk away and leave him behind, because karma.
"I’m standing in front of you, hoping that you’ll stand with me."
Even if it was twisted AF sometimes, angsty, and tense between them, I loved how deeply they love each other. They would fucking blow up the world to be together.
Is this sick? Probably.
Was this enjoyable? I'd say so.
Would I forgive him? Probably not.
But would I like someone to want me as badly as Julian? Yes. I definitely would.