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Missed Connections: A Memoir in Letters Never Sent
An entertaining and moving memoir about coming out, looking inwards, and the search for connection, inspired by the responses to a personal ad.
In 1992, Brian Francis placed a personal ad in a local newspaper. He was a twenty-one-year-old university student, still very much in the closet, and looking for love. He received twenty-five responses, but there were thirteen letters that went unanswered and spent years tucked away, forgotten, inside a cardboard box. Now, nearly thirty years later, and at a much different stage in his life, Brian has written replies to those letters. Using the letters as a springboard to reflect on all that has changed for him as a gay man over the past three decades, Brian's responses cover a range of topics, including body image, aging, desire, the price of secrecy, and the courage it takes to be unapologetically yourself.
Missed Connections is an open-hearted, irreverent, often hilarious, and always bracingly honest examination of the pieces of our past we hold close -- and all that we lose along the way. It is also a profoundly affecting meditation on how Brian's generation, the queer people who emerged following the generation hit hardest by AIDS, were able to step out from the shadows and into the light. In an age when the promise of love is just a tap or swipe away, this extraordinary memoir reminds us that our yearning for connection and self-acceptance is timeless.
In 1992, Brian Francis placed a personal ad in a local newspaper. He was a twenty-one-year-old university student, still very much in the closet, and looking for love. He received twenty-five responses, but there were thirteen letters that went unanswered and spent years tucked away, forgotten, inside a cardboard box. Now, nearly thirty years later, and at a much different stage in his life, Brian has written replies to those letters. Using the letters as a springboard to reflect on all that has changed for him as a gay man over the past three decades, Brian's responses cover a range of topics, including body image, aging, desire, the price of secrecy, and the courage it takes to be unapologetically yourself.
Missed Connections is an open-hearted, irreverent, often hilarious, and always bracingly honest examination of the pieces of our past we hold close -- and all that we lose along the way. It is also a profoundly affecting meditation on how Brian's generation, the queer people who emerged following the generation hit hardest by AIDS, were able to step out from the shadows and into the light. In an age when the promise of love is just a tap or swipe away, this extraordinary memoir reminds us that our yearning for connection and self-acceptance is timeless.
239 pages, Kindle Edition
Published August 17, 2021
6 people are currently reading
588 people want to read
About the author
Brian Francis
4 books107 followersBrian Francis's non-fiction book, Missed Connections: A Memoir in Letters Never Sent, was a finalist for the 2022 Trillium Book Award. The Toronto Star called it “thoughtful, funny, poignant, insightful and honest.”
His previous novel, Break in Case of Emergency, was a finalist for the 2019 Governor General’s Literary Awards. Apple Books called it a “knockout” and The Globe and Mail said it “beautifully explores issues around mental health and suicide.”
His second novel, Natural Order, was selected by the Toronto Star, Kobo and Georgia Straight as a Best Book of 2011.
His first novel, Fruit, was a 2009 Canada Reads finalist and is an Amazon and 49th Shelf “100 Canadian Books to Read in a Lifetime” title.
He writes a monthly writing advice column, Ask the Agony Editor, for Quill & Quire magazine and is a regular contributor to CBC Radio's The Next Chapter.
His previous novel, Break in Case of Emergency, was a finalist for the 2019 Governor General’s Literary Awards. Apple Books called it a “knockout” and The Globe and Mail said it “beautifully explores issues around mental health and suicide.”
His second novel, Natural Order, was selected by the Toronto Star, Kobo and Georgia Straight as a Best Book of 2011.
His first novel, Fruit, was a 2009 Canada Reads finalist and is an Amazon and 49th Shelf “100 Canadian Books to Read in a Lifetime” title.
He writes a monthly writing advice column, Ask the Agony Editor, for Quill & Quire magazine and is a regular contributor to CBC Radio's The Next Chapter.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
September 4, 2021
The raw honesty in Missed Connections is, by turns hilarious and heartbreaking, but always, always breathtakingly courageous. This memoir about a misguided search for love through the personal ads is, without question, my pick for best non-fiction of the year.
May 30, 2022
Funny, nostalgic, raw, heartbreaking, all at once.
Lamenting on issues in the gay community, the realism of aging, the sadness of losing those close to you. This book will make you feel things, especially on the points you can relate to. Reading the last few chapters about Brian’s ailing mother, his last birthday kiss from her, and the importance of holding onto shared memories of those no longer with us brought me to tears.
Can’t describe how I feel after this one. I read the first half of so last year (I had an ARC from work), and decided to start it over yesterday. I read the whole book in one sitting. I’m pretty sure the last time I did that was when I read one of my goosebumps books in one day about 25 years ago.
Lamenting on issues in the gay community, the realism of aging, the sadness of losing those close to you. This book will make you feel things, especially on the points you can relate to. Reading the last few chapters about Brian’s ailing mother, his last birthday kiss from her, and the importance of holding onto shared memories of those no longer with us brought me to tears.
Can’t describe how I feel after this one. I read the first half of so last year (I had an ARC from work), and decided to start it over yesterday. I read the whole book in one sitting. I’m pretty sure the last time I did that was when I read one of my goosebumps books in one day about 25 years ago.
September 3, 2021
A really personal memoir from Canadian writer Brian Francis about his experiences coming of age as a young fat small town Ontario boy. I really enjoyed the unusual format of this memoir, told in a series of fictional letters he writes to the men who responded to his personal ad from 1992. This was an eye-opening look at what life was like for gay men before grinder and when so few felt free to be open and trying to make connections was far from easy. Highly recommended and great on audio read by the author!
February 15, 2026
5/5
A quick, snappy, self-aware, honest memoir of a gay man growing up in Ontario during the 80s and 90s. Sprinkled with humour and lightness, this series of replies to a classified newspaper ad explores the challenges of understanding sexuality, family relationships, and romance.
A quick, snappy, self-aware, honest memoir of a gay man growing up in Ontario during the 80s and 90s. Sprinkled with humour and lightness, this series of replies to a classified newspaper ad explores the challenges of understanding sexuality, family relationships, and romance.
January 1, 2023
Loved these memoirs! Was very easy to relate to a lot of these stories and found myself laughing out loud and also getting very teary eyed during lots of moments during this book.
Only nit pick is while the premise itself was unique (responding to responses to a personal ad the author placed 25 years earlier), i had trouble understanding how the responses actually tied back to the original letters sent. But this was a very minor nit pick, and i understand it was used as a premise more than anything else. Also realized (after the fact) that this was adapted from a play that was put on at Buddies in Bad Times theater in Toronto.
HIGHLY recommend this one.
Only nit pick is while the premise itself was unique (responding to responses to a personal ad the author placed 25 years earlier), i had trouble understanding how the responses actually tied back to the original letters sent. But this was a very minor nit pick, and i understand it was used as a premise more than anything else. Also realized (after the fact) that this was adapted from a play that was put on at Buddies in Bad Times theater in Toronto.
HIGHLY recommend this one.
September 11, 2021
I am a little younger than the author but this book resonated. Being out and proud is an accomplishment but the path can be lonely. The structure of the book is phenomenal and parts of it had me in tears. As a writer myself, the passages referring to the struggle to even decide if your story is worthy rang very true.
August 17, 2021
Missed Connections is a heartfelt memoir, written in response to a series of responses from a personal add that the writer published during university. He had saved 13 letters which he had not responded to in the 90's and has now responded to each including commentary about each letters, his reflections of that time and the challenges that he experienced as a young man (in the closet) and when he shared his real self with his family and friends.
There are heartbreaking anecdotes of the author's feelings about his body, comments made by others and bullying but there is also also joy as he reflects on breaking the path for his nephew, his marriage and acceptance by himself and by others.
Like in his book, Fruit (and being a similar age as the author), I enjoyed all of the 80's references, from the trips to the mall, shopping at Thrifty's and Woolco
this is a book to read a letter at a time, taking a break between chapters to ponder and reflect. I think that it would read well in audio with the right reader.
There are heartbreaking anecdotes of the author's feelings about his body, comments made by others and bullying but there is also also joy as he reflects on breaking the path for his nephew, his marriage and acceptance by himself and by others.
Like in his book, Fruit (and being a similar age as the author), I enjoyed all of the 80's references, from the trips to the mall, shopping at Thrifty's and Woolco
this is a book to read a letter at a time, taking a break between chapters to ponder and reflect. I think that it would read well in audio with the right reader.
November 24, 2021
A solid 4 stars for a really interesting concept. The responses were honest, sometimes brutally so. And I am not ashamed to say, it made me cry. Also to really think about the positions we hold throughout our lifetimes. A quirky read with tons of heart.
November 24, 2021
This is perhaps one of my favourite books I have read in a while. So beautifully and thoughtfully written, and a creative way to reflect back on one's life. I am grateful to the author for writing it.
September 12, 2022
I'm not really sure how to review a memoir since this is this first one I have read. I found it captivating. There were so many relatable moments that felt really well explained.
February 18, 2022
The humour and moving emotions made this piece. The format is interesting, and it made the segmented sections feel natural.
September 2, 2021
Interesting idea for a book and a good way to reflect on his life and the long-term effects of growing up gay in a small town.
September 7, 2021
This was meh.
I don't know what it is with me not enjoying books lately or with much difficulty.
Once again expected more to come out of this and the writing, the storytelling of the memoir (not that there is a storyline but recount of events through letters if that makes sense) everything was just not for me.
This is most like a case of "it's me not you" this book feels like an ex with whom things are just not meshing and you were getting along better when you knew less about each other if that makes sense.
Anyhow, I don't want to spend time elaborating why this did not work, just don't have the energy and I believe people will do it justice, I don't want to make remarks about a memoir as it is someone's life.
I have a hard time with non-fiction & since the writing was not for me this was a flop.
A LOT of people loved it so, check their reviews and see if you would enjoy it, I personally did not vibe with it but that's a me thing and doesn't mean you won't !
2.5/5 stars
Bookarina
PS: thank you to the publisher for providing me with a copy of this book.
I don't know what it is with me not enjoying books lately or with much difficulty.
Once again expected more to come out of this and the writing, the storytelling of the memoir (not that there is a storyline but recount of events through letters if that makes sense) everything was just not for me.
This is most like a case of "it's me not you" this book feels like an ex with whom things are just not meshing and you were getting along better when you knew less about each other if that makes sense.
Anyhow, I don't want to spend time elaborating why this did not work, just don't have the energy and I believe people will do it justice, I don't want to make remarks about a memoir as it is someone's life.
I have a hard time with non-fiction & since the writing was not for me this was a flop.
A LOT of people loved it so, check their reviews and see if you would enjoy it, I personally did not vibe with it but that's a me thing and doesn't mean you won't !
2.5/5 stars
Bookarina
PS: thank you to the publisher for providing me with a copy of this book.
April 23, 2022
This memoir was touching and amusing. I loved how the author used letters from his past that he never replied to. Even as a straight Cis woman, I could relate to so many events in his life like the weight struggle and the feeling of betrayal you have when you find out your parents are telling relatives things about you that are private. I feel so sad for the author and everyone else who had to (or has to) grow up feeling like they have to hide their true selves. Very happy the author ends up happy and married!
August 23, 2021
A poignant piece that has left me contemplating past interactions and how they continue to shape who we are today. It’s cliche, but I laughed and cried. I wanted to embrace young Brian and applaud adult Brian. This memoir tugged at my heart, but in the most uplifting way.
Read
November 5, 2021DNF because he made fun of one of his missed connections' looks—the one that had a passion for modeling. Seemed poor taste to me and turned me off from the book completely. Just isn't my style.
June 5, 2023
A cute book overall with a funny writing style.
Touching, poignant, lots of reflections on aging, loss, and death.
A great retrospective look into the mind of a young gay person desperate for love, in a time where gay love was hard to imagine. Very relatable; the novel outlines several key stages in growing up queer. Intimate details are sprinkled throughout the book that make you feel like you know the author.
The reflections on aging gave me new perspectives on what it means to live life and accumulate memories. It can get heavy but the author still carries through a reassuring playfulness in his writing.
It gives a nice peek into queer history and what it was like to live as a gay man in a mid-sized southern Ontario city in the 90s, and really helps you understand the mindset that shaped that generation, without getting lost in the past.
One of my only criticisms: it's a bit jarring when the author attaches the letter recipient's name to the ends of random sentences. There will be paragraphs of pure introspection, followed by a sentence like, "It's crazy, Greg." These moments would always take me aback. But it's a minor issue compared to what the book does well.
Overall, a lovely, relatable, funny, poignant, and reassuring book. I may check out some of the author's other works soon—and the city he grew up in isn't too far off from my own city, so it's pretty neat to see that perspective reflected in a book!
Touching, poignant, lots of reflections on aging, loss, and death.
A great retrospective look into the mind of a young gay person desperate for love, in a time where gay love was hard to imagine. Very relatable; the novel outlines several key stages in growing up queer. Intimate details are sprinkled throughout the book that make you feel like you know the author.
The reflections on aging gave me new perspectives on what it means to live life and accumulate memories. It can get heavy but the author still carries through a reassuring playfulness in his writing.
It gives a nice peek into queer history and what it was like to live as a gay man in a mid-sized southern Ontario city in the 90s, and really helps you understand the mindset that shaped that generation, without getting lost in the past.
One of my only criticisms: it's a bit jarring when the author attaches the letter recipient's name to the ends of random sentences. There will be paragraphs of pure introspection, followed by a sentence like, "It's crazy, Greg." These moments would always take me aback. But it's a minor issue compared to what the book does well.
Overall, a lovely, relatable, funny, poignant, and reassuring book. I may check out some of the author's other works soon—and the city he grew up in isn't too far off from my own city, so it's pretty neat to see that perspective reflected in a book!
October 31, 2021
This book is Brian Francis responding to letters that came in response to a personal add he had run in the newspaper about 25 years ago. He uses his response letters as a way to share his personal life experiences as a gay person. I loved this idea and thought it was a unique way to write a memoir. However, at time I found it worked better than others, that is sometimes the original letter fit well with his response letter, and sometimes not so well. That said, the experiences Brian writes about are excellent and paint an honest picture. Brian grew up in Sarnia and went to university in London, Ontario, and is just a few years older than I am, so I found the references to both place and the lack of diversity in rural Southwestern Ontario he speaks about from his earlier years to resonate with me. I have read Brian's other books and I appreciated learning his personal story in this book.
October 10, 2021
When I got this book I was hesitant, I rarely read non-fiction and for some reason felt that this was not written for me. I am 21 myself right now, and an openly lesbian student in Canada. I was surprised however at the depth I felt I related to the stories, the feelings. I found myself seeing parts of me reflected in the pages. It made me feel more human, more connected, more questioning about things to come and things that have happened. Of course I can't relate entirely or know exactly the experiences Brian talks about but there is something nice in seeing someone else's stories laid bare, hearing them say things that you may not have had the courage to say, or simply admire their own introspection, the issues they bring up. For that I have to say I am impressed and grateful for Brian Francis writing this book and encourage others to read it.
November 5, 2021
Francis (who hails from Sarnia ON and is the author of the celebrated YA novel Fruit) recalls posting a classified ad when he was a lonely 21-year-old, hoping to meet other young men for friendship and maybe love. He kept the letters he received in reply, but didn't answer them...until now, 30 years later, in this published form. Instead of imagining how he would have replied in 1992 at age 21, he writes from the point of view of his mature self. He muses about the letter writers, what they would have been like, and where their lives might have taken them. Along the way, he tells them about his own life and how it turned out. It ends up being a a memoir and a chronicle of gay life in Canada over the course of three decades. The tales are touching, heartbreaking, funny, inspiring and relatable.
November 27, 2025
Those who saw Brian Francis’ SummerWorks 2018 stage production Box 4901 will recognize the personal archive of unanswered male-seeks-male personal ad letters, and the cast of characters he draws from them, in his candid, humourous and sharply drawn memoir Missed Connections. Both self-deprecating and self-aware, the storytelling is nostalgic, introspective, and rife with the wisdom of age and experience—tying the past to the present with ruminations on body image, coming out, desire, relationships, and perceptions of masculinity and aging. Told from the perspective of a gay man navigating his own life and identity, from his small-town roots, to conservative city university experience, to big city life as a writer, Missed Connections is a funny, poignant and thoughtful testimonial to his 21-year-old self and the 13 men whose letters went unanswered.
August 30, 2021
Confession… I have a predilection for Brian Francis and his writing before I begin reading this… and this is every bit as delightful as his fiction.
I laughed and I cried at his reflections on life, love and family. His reflections and recollections - in part based on journals from the time - explore the reality of growing up gay at a particular moment in time (as does his fiction). Open, honest and heartfelt the collection of letters digs deep as he shares his journey to understanding that he was not a ‘worthless freak’ (p100).
The one thing I would love to know is whether or not he kept all of the letters received back then? I would be most interested in reading the rest of them, even if only collected as an appendix… no need to respond to all of them...
4.5
I laughed and I cried at his reflections on life, love and family. His reflections and recollections - in part based on journals from the time - explore the reality of growing up gay at a particular moment in time (as does his fiction). Open, honest and heartfelt the collection of letters digs deep as he shares his journey to understanding that he was not a ‘worthless freak’ (p100).
The one thing I would love to know is whether or not he kept all of the letters received back then? I would be most interested in reading the rest of them, even if only collected as an appendix… no need to respond to all of them...
4.5
June 25, 2021
I haven't read "Fruit" but I have had it recommended to me quite a few times. I'm happy to have been given the opportunity to read this book. I always love epistolary works, and what a beautiful way for this life to unfold on the pages of this book.
Brian Francis writes a series of letters to replies to a personal ad he placed in his youth. His answers to the letters are three decades late. They run the gamut of emotions. This book is like a biography 30 years in the making. There is sadness, humor and Francis also tells a bit of the history of the gay community.
All of this is summed up in bite-sized letters that are heartfelt and beautiful.
Loved this.
Brian Francis writes a series of letters to replies to a personal ad he placed in his youth. His answers to the letters are three decades late. They run the gamut of emotions. This book is like a biography 30 years in the making. There is sadness, humor and Francis also tells a bit of the history of the gay community.
All of this is summed up in bite-sized letters that are heartfelt and beautiful.
Loved this.
September 30, 2021
Growing up in Ontario in the same era as the author and my desire to learn more about equity, diversity and inclusion is was what drew me to this book.
Writing his story and the life lessons he’s learned along the way in a series of letters to 13 responses he never answered to his personal ad back in 1992 was ingenious. Each letter covered an array of topics and experiences Brian faced with honesty and exposed his deep rooted emotions about the fears and pains of growing up as a gay man in the 80s and 90s. The last letter was my favourite of them all!
Writing his story and the life lessons he’s learned along the way in a series of letters to 13 responses he never answered to his personal ad back in 1992 was ingenious. Each letter covered an array of topics and experiences Brian faced with honesty and exposed his deep rooted emotions about the fears and pains of growing up as a gay man in the 80s and 90s. The last letter was my favourite of them all!
May 26, 2022
Brian Francis writes from the heart whether it's fiction or memoir. I found Missed Connections to be an incredibly emotional read. With each page I turned, I wanted to reach out and give him a hug. I can't imagine what the author went through putting these words on paper for the world to see. It's always difficult to bare our souls to strangers. But he did just that with no holds barred. And I loved the format he employed in answering decades old letters to tell the story of his life. Well done!
January 30, 2025
This book was suggested by a friend and in so glad he did.
Having read and enjoyed Fruit years ago I was happy to dive back into the life of Brian and all of the things that I could relate to.
This book was a joy to read, I laughed a lot; rolled my eyes a few times; was oddly fascinated by his hidden underwear saga and I cried.
There’s a tenderness Brian has when speaking of his parents that I wish I had, but also don’t want to replicate. Being the son of two deceased parents I found myself with the same longing he has for the birthday kiss and the white picket hug.
Having read and enjoyed Fruit years ago I was happy to dive back into the life of Brian and all of the things that I could relate to.
This book was a joy to read, I laughed a lot; rolled my eyes a few times; was oddly fascinated by his hidden underwear saga and I cried.
There’s a tenderness Brian has when speaking of his parents that I wish I had, but also don’t want to replicate. Being the son of two deceased parents I found myself with the same longing he has for the birthday kiss and the white picket hug.
June 9, 2025
Missed Connections had all the ingredients of a book I should have loved. As someone who deeply relates to the gay coming-of-age experience, I found myself pulled into the emotional terrain of the letters and reflections. The feelings, the awkwardness, the longing—I saw my younger self mirrored in these pages. At times, I was even transported back to moments in my own life I’d forgotten, stirred up unexpectedly by the familiarity of what was being shared.
However, despite this strong emotional connection, the tone of the book often rubbed me the wrong way. While I appreciated the concept—responding to personal ads from decades ago—the execution left much to be desired. The writing came across as judgmental, sometimes even cruel, and surprisingly shallow. Francis, now years removed from the original events, seems to look back with a lens that lacks the compassion or self-awareness that time and maturity ideally bring. For someone revisiting heartfelt messages from men who once reached out in hope and vulnerability, the tone he takes can feel dismissive, even mocking.
I found myself wishing for more empathy, more introspection—something deeper than just clever quips or surface-level observations. Unfortunately, the snark often undermined the emotional weight these letters could have carried.
So while I did enjoy parts of this book, and while it certainly evoked something powerful in me, I can’t say I loved it. The promise of connection was overshadowed by an undercurrent of condescension. Rather than leaving me feeling seen or understood, it left me unsettled. And now, Missed Connections sits in my mind not as a cherished reflection, but as a permanent mark. A “stain”, if you will.
However, despite this strong emotional connection, the tone of the book often rubbed me the wrong way. While I appreciated the concept—responding to personal ads from decades ago—the execution left much to be desired. The writing came across as judgmental, sometimes even cruel, and surprisingly shallow. Francis, now years removed from the original events, seems to look back with a lens that lacks the compassion or self-awareness that time and maturity ideally bring. For someone revisiting heartfelt messages from men who once reached out in hope and vulnerability, the tone he takes can feel dismissive, even mocking.
I found myself wishing for more empathy, more introspection—something deeper than just clever quips or surface-level observations. Unfortunately, the snark often undermined the emotional weight these letters could have carried.
So while I did enjoy parts of this book, and while it certainly evoked something powerful in me, I can’t say I loved it. The promise of connection was overshadowed by an undercurrent of condescension. Rather than leaving me feeling seen or understood, it left me unsettled. And now, Missed Connections sits in my mind not as a cherished reflection, but as a permanent mark. A “stain”, if you will.
July 15, 2022
A beautiful book of letters, vulnerable and funny, Brian Francis revisits himself as a young gay man on and after his coming out journey. The last letter, written to his younger self, is so healing, and wraps up the book with thoughts on healing from shame and the process of learning to love yourself as you learn to love others. Recommend for anyone who likes to read letters, journal writing or memoir, but especially for young or newly out-of-the-closet queer people and their parents.
April 4, 2023
Stumbled on this book by accident and I’m so glad I did! Funny, vulnerable, genuine - really good stuff. I loved the vignette-style sections. Enjoyed the resources and personal bit about his parents at the end. Listened to the audiobook read by the author and I think that made it even better. I wish every young person who is doubting themselves and feeling scared to be who they really are could read this.
March 7, 2022
This is a book full of memories of living as a child and young adult in the 70s, 80s and 90s. These memories include revealing vulnerable secrets such as wrapping ones torso with masking tape to hide ones nipples. I wanted to hugs this 13 years old boy, as I cried reading about his fears, struggles ad solutions.
It is a well written book full of emotions, sure to affect and relate in some way or another everyone.
It is a well written book full of emotions, sure to affect and relate in some way or another everyone.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews