The Secret Diary of a British Muslim Aged 13 3/4

by Tez Ilyas

The incredible Sunday Times bestseller

'Essential...A complex blend of overexcited Adrian Mole-like anecdotes mixed with shocking moments of racism and insights into Muslim religious practices' Sunday Times

'Authentic, funny and very relatable' - Sayeeda Warsi

In 1997, Britain was leading the way to an exciting new world order. A funny, loveable and naïve 13-year-old Tez Ilyas from working class Blackburn wanted to be a doctor. By the end of 2001, the UK was at war with Afghanistan and Islamophobia had shot through the roof. 18-year-old Tez wasn't heading for a medical degree.

In this rollercoaster of a coming-of-age memoir, comedian Tez Ilyas takes us back to the working class, insular British Asian Muslim community that shaped the man he grew up to be. Full of rumbling hormones, mischief-making friends, family tragedy, racism Tez didn't yet understand and a growing respect for his religion, his childhood is both a nostalgic celebration of everything that made growing up in the 90s so special, and a reflection on how hardship needn't define the person you become.

At times shalwar-wetting hilarious and at others searingly sad, this is an eye-opening childhood memoir from a little-heard perspective that you'll be thinking about long after you've finished the last page.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, Comedy, Audiobook, Autobiography

416 pages, Paperback

Published November 22, 2022

Reviews

[Claudia Thai · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was excited for this to come out. I'm from the North West, not far from Blackburn. Theres something special about Northern humour. But this was a lot more than humour. It's very real, very raw, and a reflection of a reality many will be familiar with but won't have seen these stories told so openly before. Stories around the Bradford/Burnley/Oldham riots and the aftermath of 9/11. More than ever now it is important to see these stories represented in the pages kids will read. Kids that experience similar things, and kids who want to understand others experiences. These stories need telling. 10/10 recommend

[Laura Angell · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really funny, thoughtful, well-written book with some desperately sad bits that made me want to jump inside the book and be young Tez's own personal cheerleader.
Knowing nothing about being Northern, Muslim, a teenage boy, football fan, or a teen in the 90s, I was a bit worried that some of this would go over my head, but it was extremely clever, witty and thought-provoking!

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy books that give an insight into other people’s lives and cultures and this was a genuinely interesting and engaging look at what it was like for a young British Muslim growing up in the 90’s. Interesting, thought provoking insights into Islam and Pakistani culture and also a nostalgic look back at the 90’s as well. Very readable, a likeable protagonist and laugh out loud funny in places. Recommend.

[Richard · Rating 3 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️ I picked the book up at random when visiting a Waterstones. I think the title, which alludes to the first book in the Adrian Mole series, made me chuckle as well as interested me.

It is a recreation of the diaries of a English Pakistani comedian. From what I gathered from the intro, he recreated it by mapping out the timeline of his youth and memories. If includes references to family event and real-life news events as well.

The first thing to say is that is it a serious book, with comic undertones, which are due to the fact that the writer is a genuinely funny person. As a kid he played many pranks on people, including family, classmates and teachers. Some are harmless amusing, and in others he learns lessons.

Tez comes across as a very fair and honest character. He is a devout Muslim and, during the course of the story, chooses to take his religion seriously. You may think that this would make for a dry read, but you would be wrong. It’s heartfelt and witty, and there are some great moments too when he points out some contradictions in behaviour between how people should behave and how they actually behave.

He also had a tough family life. The rare visits to see family in Pakistan are joyous, especially his sister’s wedding, but his relationship with his stepfather is tragic (mainly because the guy comes across as an absolute asshole). There is a brief moment of joy when it seems like this situation is resolved, but then, a few pages later, normality returns.

I have a couple of minor niggles. The first is the sheer number of characters. This is something that cannot be resolved, because he comes from a large family. There is a glossary of characters at the front, but if you nipped to the front of the book every time you are not sure who someone is, you will constantly be page hopping. I decided eventually to not bother, and still got the gist of the story.

The other (bigger) niggle is the use of Pakistani terms throughout the book. This is, in itself, not a problem, because the first time that a non-English word is used there is an asterisk and a helpful translation (and for several of the words you can work out the gist from context). The problem is that the translation is not at the bottom of the page where it should be, it’s in another glossary at the end. So between working out which character is which and what certain words mean, you ed up having to consult both glossaries, one at the front, one at the back, which was quite frustrating. The actual book was highly enjoyable but the format of the translations was tedious. The translations should have been on the page that they first appeared on. The first part of the book is obviously the heaviest for these and as such I really struggled to get into it. I have literally knocked a star from my review because of this, it almost caused me to give up in the early stages, although I am glad that I did not.

But overall it was a great read. It’s fascinating and informative to see the race issues we obviously have in this country from the point of view of the minority. The story is in places sweet, sad, uplifting and shocking. It’s starts when Tez is a kid, and ends with him leaving home to go to University. I hope there is a second book, I will enjoy reading “The Growing Pains Of Tez Ilyas” but can the publisher please put any translations on the page the word actually appears on… thanks!

[Tracey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Grew up in different ends of the same town, only couple of years between us. Was fun to hear the similarities of childhoods and reminded of the pop culture and world events that impacted it. But more interesting was to hear that same period through eyes of a kid of different gender and ethnicity, the different impact that has on life experiences. But ultimately we both have to suffer the same football team disappointments 😁

[Safwan · Rating 2 out of 5]

First book I didn't complete. Unfortunately this book is not my cup of tea, maybe I was not in the mood to read this type of book. Borrowed from library, but had to return the book early.

[masuma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally a book that might make young Asians feel seen

This diary style book similar to that of Diary of a Whimpy Kid in its structure minus the doodles. It is both funny and vivid in discussing the highs and lows of growing up as a brown kid. It feels familiar in some places, like what mosque was like or the aspirations and pressure of school grades.There’s lots about sports and family dynamics which can be hard to keep up with but Tez also interweaves the political climate and the way Muslims have been approached/ targeted in the past. In an era that favours Netflix over books I recommend this for your Asian kids, it’s nostalgic, real and might just be the most relatable thing they’ve read in a while even if it is full of swear words!

[Naila Khan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finished cover to cover in one go!

There isn't much written about British Muslims and it's quite interesting to learn about their daily struggles, joys and sorrows. We need more of such perspectives and stories!

It's quite easy read but there are aha moments when you understand the rationales behind British Pakistani culture and then there are bits which make you ponder on race/society dynamics of South Asian communities in Britain

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

To my surprise I found a childhood memoir enjoyable, both funny and revealing and crucially, not too repetitive either. I couldn't tell you the difference between most of his friends and cousins and it was primarily about young Tez Ilyas and his family but it combined the light-hearted and the serious well.

It was written from the point of view of a teenage Ilyas so told in the present tense and in a childlike style, and the humour came from both the anecdotes themselves and the way they were told. Ilyas' stage persona is fairly confident so it surprised me slightly that he was cheeky and a bit of a hanger-on. That last comment is quite harsh but he didn't seem to be the leader of the pack, but equally he was the one who got the good grades amongst his friends.

There are political undertones to lots of the entries, including police treatment, support from teachers and whether an ethnic minority boy from Blackburn could make something of himself (although incongruously, the only named blurb on my edition is from the daughter of James Goldsmith). These are insightful and don't take over the book, and as this is written as a child's point of view it is fairly black and white, with a layer of irony - at one point he writes that his friends are brought together by "twatting" someone they don't like. But he also acknowledges that they call one person Daley because he's black and someone else "Chyna" because of his eyes, and his friends are not innocent despite the prejudice they can face, such as the time he tries to hand in a CV at the cinema.

Family life is covered cautiously, with none of his family members being particularly open or emotional, despite warm moments and the evident familial love. As a result the more serious topics are only heavily implied, although this may also be out of respect. Ilyas states at the outset that he wanted this to be available for Asian people and that there were few people like him on TV or in media when he was growing up but I found this interesting as an outsider. I was farily drawn in, to the extent I felt bad when he declined his place at a good sixth form, and saw the slide from top marks to middling ones.

Well-written and funny, it's probably my favourite memoir by a comedian and like better novels it explored political issues without being didactic and staying rooted in the stories or anecdotes, as well as being honest about moments that don't reflect well on him or his friends.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tez Ilyas strikes me as a mixed up man and this book goes a long way to showing why that might be. His choice of title and faked-up diary format is a risky, but I feel legitimate one and he captures a real life teenager's blend of seriousness and tediousness in a similar way to Sue Townsend's famous fiction.

But it is clear from the start that this is something a bit different - his 'serious with jokes' introduction, his extremely long list of 'characters' (which proves incomplete: where's the Aaliyah who dies in a plane crash?) and the glossary of terms at the back. I didn't think I was an especially ignorant 'goreh' about British Pakistani Muslim life but if nothing else, I learned a lot from the book.

It's not a funny book in a laugh out loud way, not much, but terribly wry. He explains thought processes that feed into decisions made, some of which work out well and some which don't. Some of it is painfully sad in a universal way such as the ease with which he has lost touch with valued friendships from different phases of his childhood. I was glad that he covered right up to the start of his university course, including clearing and buying lever arch files.

Useful reading for teachers I think and anyone who would like to think more widely about education and the pressures there might be on particular sections of British society and the advantages and barriers they may experience.

[Chantal Lyons · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately, I think the marketing has done a massive disservice to this book - you cannot borrow the title from Sue Townsend's masterpiece if the book you're slapping it on is not even remotely as funny. The author may be a comedian, but this rarely comes through in the book version of his childhood diaries. I sniggered once, and maybe once or twice blew air out of my nostrils harder than usual.

Although the book is no way near "shalwar-wettingly hilarious", I'll give it that it is sad in places; certainly grittier and sadder than the experiences of the fictional Adrian Mole, who never had to deal with racist teenagers beating him up. Still, a lot of the time it was pretty dull. A lot of the book's content seems to be pitched at young readers, even though as far as I can tell, it's meant to be for adults (whereas Townsend's book appealed to all age ranges). I also couldn't help feeling uncomfortable at the bit when the narrator acknowledged that his sisters were forced to do housework while he wasn't, because he was a boy, but he then tried to make a joke of it by saying he was just too lazy to offer to help.

It was interesting to hear the perspective of a British Muslim who grew up in the 90s and early 2000s (and is only a few years older than me), but honestly, all the attempts at humour were a distraction.

[Kate Henderson · Rating 1 out of 5]

**listened to audiobook**

As a secondary school teacher working in a mixed multi-cultural school, this book sounded right up my street. I thought it would allow an insight into what some of my students go through.
However, this book was incredibly slow paced. The things mentioned were dull, and the book was uneventful. I lost interest very early on, which meant that some of the later more hard hitting moments just went over my head. Which is a real shame. This book had real promise but it just wasn't executed well at all.
It felt too personal - and by that I mean learning about Tez Ilyas friends and family - their nicknames etc. It felt like when a friend has a private joke with someone else and its mentioned in a conversation, making you feel out of the loop. That's how I felt reading this - out of the loop.

I usually love an audiobook that has been read by the author, but I did not like this narrator (Ilyas) - and think that this is one of the reasons I found the book dull.
Didn't enjoy this book at all.

[Catherine Willetts · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Secret Diary Of A British Muslim Aged 13 3/4 by Tez Ilyas ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I finished the autobiography of Tez Ilyas last night and what a fantastic read it was. Tez is a comedian from Blackburn (my home town) and we are the same age, so reading about places I know of and football (Rovers), music, television programmes and gaming of the late 90s early 00s that I used to listen to, watch and play kept me smiling and brought back lots of wonderful memories. We meet some incredible women in his family, Ammi and Rosey, and also lots of teachers from Witton Park High School. My uncle taught at Witton and I fully expected Tez to rip into him. He got a mention but thankfully he wasn't criticised too harshly!

The book starts in 1997 through to the end of 2001 when Tez has left Blackburn College and is off to Lancaster Uni, so if you want a nostalgic trip back to Blackburn in that time frame then I fully recommend this book. It's hilarious and it's heartbreaking and I just wanted to give him hug.

[Evie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel a bit harsh giving this 2 stars because the author/protagonist was so likeable but I was just a little disappointed with this book and didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.

I found it a little slow at times, a lot of it was about sport which just isn’t my thing so I found myself skipping a few sections (if you like 90s football though you will love this). I think it could have done with slightly more of a storyline/narrative to it also.

I did enjoy reading this though, it was a quick/easy read and the author/protagonist is very likeable. I also enjoyed his use of Arabic words throughout, I thought this was really interesting and I’ve learnt a lot of new words which is cool.

I would still recommend this book as an easy read but its not anything that will blow you away.

[Colin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny and engaging. Educational, even. I bought it partly in an impulse because he grew up in Blackburn - where I went to school, and worked for a year or so - and although he's about 10 years younger than me, I was really engrossed in how perspective.
Obviously, he's modeling his style in that of another well-known secret diary, but his is told from the point of view of a British Muslim teenager. Through his own personal story, he delineates the shifts in culture and race relations through the relative optimism of the nineties, into the hard landing of September 2001 and the start of the War on Terror. Even the relative optimism is pretty grim, to be honest, but he does a great job in maintaining his sense of himself and his potential in the face of some pretty terrible circumstances.

[Phil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would love to say I'm coming at this with some sort of impartiality but I know I'm not. Biased as it's all about growing up in the town and on the same streets I did, with so many recognisable characters and bizarre Blackburnisms. But aside from all that it's a charming, sometimes heartbreaking, look at growing up in an often divided community, and how Family, culture and education can help you through. Really well written with some laugh out loud bits and many more that will resonate something deep down and long forgotten. Boy, girl, Asian, European, Blackburn, literally anywhere else, I'm sure there's something in this for everyone

[Rhiannon Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining and interesting memoir of growing up in the late 90s/early 2000s. I'm only slightly younger than the author so many of the public events - like Diana's death - were also part of my teenage years, and I went to very similar schools in a different county. It's fascinating to see what experiences we shared and what our different backgrounds and interests affected. (Unsurprisingly, he remembers much more about football than I do, and was much more aware of racism, but we both read Harry Potter, and we both started taking an active interest in religion.)

[Arlene · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is really enjoyable and I highly recommend listening to it on audio. It's a great insight into the Muslim faith if, like me, that's not something you're very familiar with. It's a funny and often moving memoir of family, friendship (and how boys are generally little shits) and growing up in turbulent times.

[Em Richardson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I laughed, I cried, I learnt a lot about life as a Muslim in Britain. Reading this is like being inside Tez's head, it's very personal but also brought back so much of what I felt like as a teenager. We're not all so different after all.
I'm really hoping Tez writes the sequel because quite frankly I KNOW there's so much more he can tell us.

[Liz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn’t find it interesting, didn’t find it funny.
I imagine the audiobook would be a problem to listen to, with all the Pakistani words in it. In the hardback there is a glossary but it’s a pain to keep looking things up E.g. why use the word mukkay instead of the word punches? Does it add anything? No.

[Flora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adrian Mole with a 90s Blackburn Pakistani twist! Covering the years between his starting at secondary school abs heading off to Lancaster University, Ramazan, Eid, trips to Pakistan, sisters wedding, loads of cousins , playing football, watching cricket, learning more and everything in between.
A poignant insight into life as a 90s Muslim in Blackburn.

[Tandy Davies · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this diary of a teenager, so much is familiar in terms of family dynamics. time “wasted”or misspent and the regrets that follow. The insight into being a Muslim in Blackburn was at times heart rending and at other times very funny. Great format, accessible and frankly educational. Would be a good book group choice.

[Faridahyunos · Rating 2 out of 5]

To be honest I don't feel comfortable reading this.. too many curse words used and it's quite dry for me.. I also realise that some secrets are not meant to be shared in books..

Anw still good to know some facts about how the Muslims live in Blackburn in the 90s, and how he survived school and college life.

[Amber Latif · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this reminiscing of Tez Ilyas childhood-it brought back my own memories. He is a thoughtful walk down memory Lane as well an insight into the life of a young British Muslim growing up in the North of Britain.
He is the British Shah Rukh Khan-or so he thinks/lol

[Izzy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! Knew I liked the authors stand up comedy going into this but didn’t know what to expect. This is his version as a british muslim of the classic Adrian Mole diary. Full of laughter and truly takes you on an emotional rollercoaster, I enjoyed every bit of this book.

[Frida · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having also grown up in the 90s as a “British” (Scottish actually) Muslim much of it seemed familiar, well more familiar than Adrian Mole’s diary. A wee bit different for a girl up north in Scotland though!

[SmileyStars｡･:*˚:✧｡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

It felt refreshing to read a diary -- nonfiction after reading fiction/fantasy for a while. I really liked the book, I CRIED at the end...but man, it would've been rlly cool if I had Tehzeeb for a cousin :').

[Jennifer Saul · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! Jam packed with both funny & sad stories, literally laughing at one page and sobbing at the next. Heaps of nostalgia too for me having grown up in Blackburn around the same time.

[Simon Burdus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely recommend: full of comedy, honesty and 90s nostalgia. An excellent and insightful book about growing up in the 90s as a British Pakistani in the North.

[Jomama · Rating 4 out of 5]

fun read - kinda like diary of a wimpy kid but for adults.