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Heart of Stone
The year is 1764, and following a glowing recommendation from his last employer, Henry Coffey, vampire, takes on a new personal secretary: young Theophilus Essex.
The man is quite unlike any secretary - or any man, for that matter - that Henry has ever met.
---
'Heart of Stone' is a slowly unfolding period romance between a vampire and his inimitably devoted clerk: lushly depicted in flowing, lovingly appended prose, we follow the slow understanding these two men grasp of one another, and the cross of their two worlds into each other's.
Henry Coffey, immortal and ever-oscillating between periods of delighted focus upon his current passion project, is charming, witty, and seems utterly incapable of closing his mouth for more than a few moments; in contrast, Theophilus Essex is quiet and keenly focused, adopting an ever-flat affect, but as time goes on, he relaxes in his employer's presence.
Craving resounding intimacy but with an ever aware of the polite boundaries for their situation, Coffey and Essex perform a slow dance as they grow closer to one another, and find themselves entangled.
The man is quite unlike any secretary - or any man, for that matter - that Henry has ever met.
---
'Heart of Stone' is a slowly unfolding period romance between a vampire and his inimitably devoted clerk: lushly depicted in flowing, lovingly appended prose, we follow the slow understanding these two men grasp of one another, and the cross of their two worlds into each other's.
Henry Coffey, immortal and ever-oscillating between periods of delighted focus upon his current passion project, is charming, witty, and seems utterly incapable of closing his mouth for more than a few moments; in contrast, Theophilus Essex is quiet and keenly focused, adopting an ever-flat affect, but as time goes on, he relaxes in his employer's presence.
Craving resounding intimacy but with an ever aware of the polite boundaries for their situation, Coffey and Essex perform a slow dance as they grow closer to one another, and find themselves entangled.
342 pages, ebook
First published July 30, 2020
100 people are currently reading
5776 people want to read
About the author
Johannes T. Evans
67 books281 followersJohannes T. Evans is a gay trans man from the South of Wales, now living in Yorkshire, and predominantly crafts fantasy, romance, and erotic works featuring complex and layered characters, especially those who are queer and trans, and he has a particular affection for writing disabled, chronically ill, and neurodivergent characters like himself.
When not writing, he spends his time absorbing queer period works & history, petting cats, taking photographs of native insects, or lusting over fictional pirates and non-fictional bearish men.
He began the transition to publishing original work officially with the publication of his first novel, Heart of Stone in July of 2020.
When not writing, he spends his time absorbing queer period works & history, petting cats, taking photographs of native insects, or lusting over fictional pirates and non-fictional bearish men.
He began the transition to publishing original work officially with the publication of his first novel, Heart of Stone in July of 2020.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 392 reviews
September 6, 2025
Heart of Stone was so damn close to being a five-star read, oh man!
Historical slow burn romance set in the Georgian era of England with fantasy elements, beautifully written characters, full of pining and yearning, and written in one of my favorite narrative styles - dual third-person POV. Is it possible for a book to have dark academia vibes without actual academics? Because it felt like it to me! 🖤
Some stories are like a river, taking you along either in a gentle current or a rapid flow, where you try to keep up. Some are more like a tsunami, swallowing and then spitting you up disheveled and wide-eyed, for better or worse. Heart of Stone, though, is more like a quiet, peaceful lake, with gentle waves lapping the bank, lulling you with tenderness (with some painful stressful currents underneath, but I’ll get to it later).
Henry is a vampire in need of a secretary, and Theophilus seems like a perfect fit, despite them having very differing personalities. Henry is more exuberant, achingly kind, treating all the servants in his household as dear friends (and they him), and readers dealing with ADHD will very much see themselves in him. Theophilus, on the other hand, is more like a steadfast brick wall, not letting anyone see beneath the surface, excruciatingly polite and distant. His character seemed especially relatable to me, although I loved both men equally - which is very rare for me, as I tend to pick a favorite very early on. Not here - they both were lovable idiots (with a particular emphasis on idiots because let me tell you-! Nah, later).
Their dynamics - vampire/human, employer/secretary - offer a ground for a true slowburn romance, especially with Theophilus thinking Henry straight and Henry never correcting him. Watching them grow closer was the absolute highlight, making me swoon.
I loved how utterly fascinated Henry was with Theophilus right away, and how dedicated Theophilus was to not giving Henry an inch - until he DID, of course 😳 Seeing Theophilus slowly open himself up, with facial expressions and conversation both, was like admiring a shy flower finally unfurling its gorgeous petals.
Other than their relationship, I adored Henry’s friendship with Genesius and Marcellus, two other very old vampires, whom I wish we could have spent more time with. Especially Genesius, whose love language was decidedly touch, like an overly affectionate golden retriever (while built like an Egyptian god) .
The prose is quite wonderful, very much fitting the time period and setting a quiet, lovely atmosphere - I did need a dictionary at times 😅
So...why the hell isn’t this a perfect five-star read? Well. Confession time, I guess. I’m about to speak about those stressful undercurrents that prevented me from enjoying myself fully. It’s probably slightly spoilery, but I feel like readers as sensitive as I am to ‘other people’ in their romances will appreciate the warning.
See, I don’t do well with jealousy. Like, at all. I don’t know how to process feeling it other than to cry in frustration. And once I love both characters in a romance, I don’t care that they’re not even together yet - I’m bound to feel jealous and territorial if another character even glances their way (okay I’m being dramatic lol...am I though?), especially when the feelings are already present between them.
You see, for more than half a book, we are forced to watch Theophilus exchange more and more personal letters with Dufresne, a man he met once at Henry’s party. And Dufresne is out and proud gay (as open as you can be in 18th century of course), and very much likes Theophilus. And our dear Theophilus, once he realises his intentions, is intrigued. Baffled, but intrigued. And because he’s never experienced a man’s touch, too fearful of the consequences, he yearns for it.
You see where I’m going with this? Of course, Theophilus never actually accepts Dufresne’s incessant invitations for a visit - BUT for about half a book, he considers it, and with clear intentions of not just friendship, but to experience what he had always wanted. He actually considers it till the very end, until Henry finally confesses, which is about twenty pages before the end of the book.
One scene, I had to actually skip, that was a sex dream Theophilus had where Dufresne starred (Henry did appear at the end of it but...no. Just no.)
What I’m trying to say is, if Henry hadn’t stepped in and confessed? Theophilus, despite his feelings for Henry, would go to Dufresne and his “friends” to finally experience what it’s like to be touched and loved by another man. That will never sit well with me, however illogical my feelings about it are. Is it fair to hold Theo to such a standard when he thought Henry straight? Hell no. Do my feelings care? Not one bit, I’m afraid.
Maybe I would’ve approached the story with a different mindset and with more caution had I been forewarned, but it’s too late for me. So this is my warning for readers who struggle with these things like I do - it’s worth the read but better prepare yourself for stressful times regarding constant possible OP mentions. I was completely blindsided by it and had to put it down a few times to cool off; otherwise I would have DNFed, I’m afraid.
Historical slow burn romance set in the Georgian era of England with fantasy elements, beautifully written characters, full of pining and yearning, and written in one of my favorite narrative styles - dual third-person POV. Is it possible for a book to have dark academia vibes without actual academics? Because it felt like it to me! 🖤
Some stories are like a river, taking you along either in a gentle current or a rapid flow, where you try to keep up. Some are more like a tsunami, swallowing and then spitting you up disheveled and wide-eyed, for better or worse. Heart of Stone, though, is more like a quiet, peaceful lake, with gentle waves lapping the bank, lulling you with tenderness (with some painful stressful currents underneath, but I’ll get to it later).
Henry is a vampire in need of a secretary, and Theophilus seems like a perfect fit, despite them having very differing personalities. Henry is more exuberant, achingly kind, treating all the servants in his household as dear friends (and they him), and readers dealing with ADHD will very much see themselves in him. Theophilus, on the other hand, is more like a steadfast brick wall, not letting anyone see beneath the surface, excruciatingly polite and distant. His character seemed especially relatable to me, although I loved both men equally - which is very rare for me, as I tend to pick a favorite very early on. Not here - they both were lovable idiots (with a particular emphasis on idiots because let me tell you-! Nah, later).
Their dynamics - vampire/human, employer/secretary - offer a ground for a true slowburn romance, especially with Theophilus thinking Henry straight and Henry never correcting him. Watching them grow closer was the absolute highlight, making me swoon.
I loved how utterly fascinated Henry was with Theophilus right away, and how dedicated Theophilus was to not giving Henry an inch - until he DID, of course 😳 Seeing Theophilus slowly open himself up, with facial expressions and conversation both, was like admiring a shy flower finally unfurling its gorgeous petals.
Other than their relationship, I adored Henry’s friendship with Genesius and Marcellus, two other very old vampires, whom I wish we could have spent more time with. Especially Genesius, whose love language was decidedly touch, like an overly affectionate golden retriever (while built like an Egyptian god) .
The prose is quite wonderful, very much fitting the time period and setting a quiet, lovely atmosphere - I did need a dictionary at times 😅
So...why the hell isn’t this a perfect five-star read? Well. Confession time, I guess. I’m about to speak about those stressful undercurrents that prevented me from enjoying myself fully. It’s probably slightly spoilery, but I feel like readers as sensitive as I am to ‘other people’ in their romances will appreciate the warning.
See, I don’t do well with jealousy. Like, at all. I don’t know how to process feeling it other than to cry in frustration. And once I love both characters in a romance, I don’t care that they’re not even together yet - I’m bound to feel jealous and territorial if another character even glances their way (okay I’m being dramatic lol...am I though?), especially when the feelings are already present between them.
You see, for more than half a book, we are forced to watch Theophilus exchange more and more personal letters with Dufresne, a man he met once at Henry’s party. And Dufresne is out and proud gay (as open as you can be in 18th century of course), and very much likes Theophilus. And our dear Theophilus, once he realises his intentions, is intrigued. Baffled, but intrigued. And because he’s never experienced a man’s touch, too fearful of the consequences, he yearns for it.
You see where I’m going with this? Of course, Theophilus never actually accepts Dufresne’s incessant invitations for a visit - BUT for about half a book, he considers it, and with clear intentions of not just friendship, but to experience what he had always wanted. He actually considers it till the very end, until Henry finally confesses, which is about twenty pages before the end of the book.
One scene, I had to actually skip, that was a sex dream Theophilus had where Dufresne starred (Henry did appear at the end of it but...no. Just no.)
What I’m trying to say is, if Henry hadn’t stepped in and confessed? Theophilus, despite his feelings for Henry, would go to Dufresne and his “friends” to finally experience what it’s like to be touched and loved by another man. That will never sit well with me, however illogical my feelings about it are. Is it fair to hold Theo to such a standard when he thought Henry straight? Hell no. Do my feelings care? Not one bit, I’m afraid.
Maybe I would’ve approached the story with a different mindset and with more caution had I been forewarned, but it’s too late for me. So this is my warning for readers who struggle with these things like I do - it’s worth the read but better prepare yourself for stressful times regarding constant possible OP mentions. I was completely blindsided by it and had to put it down a few times to cool off; otherwise I would have DNFed, I’m afraid.
August 29, 2025
Stunning vampire romance.
Prepare yourself for a world of longing and pining and repressed feelings, written with beautiful prose, and thankfully, dual pov.
Perfection.
I didn't want the book to end.
Watching Henry, the ancient vampire, and Theophilus, his secretary, dance around each other, both always holding back, with Theophilus subtly and slowly opening up to Henry, but never enough, never in a satisfactory way for Henry, was sublime torture.
I admit I had expected hot vampire sex from JTE but I couldn't even say I was disappointed that this was a closed door romance. It felt fitting.
ps you can get this also on Smashwords.
pps don't mind some typos - I was able to overlook them, thankfully.
Prepare yourself for a world of longing and pining and repressed feelings, written with beautiful prose, and thankfully, dual pov.
Perfection.
I didn't want the book to end.
Watching Henry, the ancient vampire, and Theophilus, his secretary, dance around each other, both always holding back, with Theophilus subtly and slowly opening up to Henry, but never enough, never in a satisfactory way for Henry, was sublime torture.
I admit I had expected hot vampire sex from JTE but I couldn't even say I was disappointed that this was a closed door romance. It felt fitting.
ps you can get this also on Smashwords.
pps don't mind some typos - I was able to overlook them, thankfully.
December 22, 2024
This book was such a joy to experience, and I find my heart full on this quiet little story of the vampire Henry and his secretary Theophilus set in England in 1764.
This is the sort of story that I envisioned when people speak of a cozy fantasy or cozy romance. This story floats at times into the realm of ‘slice of life’ and the stakes are never particularly high. Rather, we get to witness the slow burn growth of friendship, pining and romance developing between Henry and Theophilus in their quiet moments of existing and working together. This was some *chefs kiss* top shelf pining though and you could feel the devotion that Henry and Theophilus held for each other. The sexual tension which was laced into the vampiric feeding scene was also exquisite.
I feel simultaneously sated with what we have here, whilst also ravenous, for more, as I could live with these characters and in this world, with its depth and richness for many, many books.
Considering that what I have seen of this authors works are a selection of very kinky little erotica stories I was surprised that this almost exclusively worked in the realms of the emotional connection and this was almost non-existent on any sort of spice scale. This also has some really lovely representation for Autism and ADHD present, although not explicitly identified as such given the context of the time period.
I feel fortunate that as we come towards the end of the year, I have been blessed to find another favourite read and one that I will find myself coming back to in the future when I need a romantic and cozy tale of love and devotion.
As an aside, this author generously has a number of their works for free/ on sale on Smashwords until 1 January 2025 ❤️
This is the sort of story that I envisioned when people speak of a cozy fantasy or cozy romance. This story floats at times into the realm of ‘slice of life’ and the stakes are never particularly high. Rather, we get to witness the slow burn growth of friendship, pining and romance developing between Henry and Theophilus in their quiet moments of existing and working together. This was some *chefs kiss* top shelf pining though and you could feel the devotion that Henry and Theophilus held for each other. The sexual tension which was laced into the vampiric feeding scene was also exquisite.
I feel simultaneously sated with what we have here, whilst also ravenous, for more, as I could live with these characters and in this world, with its depth and richness for many, many books.
Considering that what I have seen of this authors works are a selection of very kinky little erotica stories I was surprised that this almost exclusively worked in the realms of the emotional connection and this was almost non-existent on any sort of spice scale. This also has some really lovely representation for Autism and ADHD present, although not explicitly identified as such given the context of the time period.
I feel fortunate that as we come towards the end of the year, I have been blessed to find another favourite read and one that I will find myself coming back to in the future when I need a romantic and cozy tale of love and devotion.
As an aside, this author generously has a number of their works for free/ on sale on Smashwords until 1 January 2025 ❤️
August 22, 2021
Just gorgeous. Paranormal historical gay romance in 1764 between a vampire and his human clerk. ADHD and autism rep, super slow burn (with deliciously intense pining!) but truly seeing each other and forging the emotional connection over time is arguably more precious than the ultimate romantic and sexual relationship. Though that bit is also lovely. <3
August 25, 2020
Over the course of this book there grows in the heart of the vampire Henry Coffee an enduring affection for the way his new secretary deftly sidesteps any questions he does not wish to answer (which is, to be sure, most of them). And in me, too, as I devoured Heart of Stone over the course of just a few days, there grew real affection for the way this story deftly avoids it's own plot.
Sometimes you just have to stop and admire the audacious skill of a thing, is all.
This is a novel about a vampire and his new secretary, and the delicate thing that grows between them. There are, presumably, other things going on, but these things-- an influenza outbreak! Blackmail attempts!-- are taken gently by the elbow and escorted to their rightful place. Off page.
What room is there for funeral and weddings when there are an endless number of conversations between Henry and Theo to be rendered in careful and loving detail? Much better to spend paragraphs ruminating on the thoughts each man has for the other than to waste time with anything so foolish as new business ventures, much better indeed.
And on the off chance that any of this comes off as sarcasm, let me assure you it is not. I loved every second of the slow-burn romance. I was soothed by the rain-splattered atmosphere. I was charmed by Henry's bright wit and shared alongside him a growing delight as Theo slowly revealed a wit of his own. Most of all, I looked forward to picking this book up, which is no small thing. Honestly I think it's been months since I felt that way about a book.
Mutual respect and clever conversations paired with mutual pining and sexual tension. And a demonic cat. Just perfect. If the general state of the world has left the soft-places in your chest feeling raw, maybe you will find some relief with Heart of Stone, just as I have.
Sometimes you just have to stop and admire the audacious skill of a thing, is all.
This is a novel about a vampire and his new secretary, and the delicate thing that grows between them. There are, presumably, other things going on, but these things-- an influenza outbreak! Blackmail attempts!-- are taken gently by the elbow and escorted to their rightful place. Off page.
What room is there for funeral and weddings when there are an endless number of conversations between Henry and Theo to be rendered in careful and loving detail? Much better to spend paragraphs ruminating on the thoughts each man has for the other than to waste time with anything so foolish as new business ventures, much better indeed.
And on the off chance that any of this comes off as sarcasm, let me assure you it is not. I loved every second of the slow-burn romance. I was soothed by the rain-splattered atmosphere. I was charmed by Henry's bright wit and shared alongside him a growing delight as Theo slowly revealed a wit of his own. Most of all, I looked forward to picking this book up, which is no small thing. Honestly I think it's been months since I felt that way about a book.
Mutual respect and clever conversations paired with mutual pining and sexual tension. And a demonic cat. Just perfect. If the general state of the world has left the soft-places in your chest feeling raw, maybe you will find some relief with Heart of Stone, just as I have.
February 26, 2021
Lovely slow-burn romance with first-class pining. I adored this book and would probably give it 5 stars if not for my issues with the editing. The writing style was very distinctive, and (I think) period-appropriate.
April 4, 2021
What the fuck that was incredible...best pining I've ever read
I might try to write a more coherent review but HOW!!!!! I simply adored everything about this
I might try to write a more coherent review but HOW!!!!! I simply adored everything about this
February 28, 2021
This book should have been everything I ever wanted. 18th century gentle, slow burn gay romance involving a vampire and his secretary, with autism and ADHD rep, it seemed as if it could hardly be more up my alley if it tried. And it’s always a bitter disappointment when a book that seems perfect for you…isn’t.
To start with the positives, the worldbuilding is pretty great. I loved the take on vampires in particular, it’s classic and yet with a few twists. Another thing I appreciated is the ADHD (Henry) and autism (Theophilius) rep, all very well done. It also helps that the POV alternates between both of them.
The problem is: it moves far too slowly for my taste.
Initially, I liked the slow, gentle development of their relationship well enough. It felt very natural that it’d take a while until Theophilius learned to trust Henry and for them both to get over the usual barrier of their society’s homophobia. The trouble started around 40-60% where there’s an epistolary section between one of them and a character we don’t even really meet on page that seemed to drag on and on and on. It was tedious to read, especially since I didn’t really care about the other person (whose letters were so long, too) and the narrative purpose it served could easily have been achieved otherwise.
Afterwards, it briefly got easier, but the longer the book went on, the more the lack of any real….progress (for the lack of a better word) grated. If I’m reading a romance, I expect the characters to kiss and confess their feelings for each other before the very very end (and I do mean very end here). Slow burn requires extremely good pacing and the lack of anything much happening in the middle frustrated me and made it a real slog to get through. It’s not that I don’t like slow books – I have a whole shelf for SFF slice of life – but there has to be something. There’s only so much mutual pining I can take before I want to scream. Not even the excellent ending fully made up for it.
It’s a shame. I really did want to love it.
Enjoyment: 3/5
Execution: 3.5/5
Recommended to: those who like extremely slow-burn romance and vampires, anyone looking for autism, ADHD, or LGBTQ+ (gay, in particular) rep
Not recommended to: those who want the characters to kiss before the very end
More reviews on my blog, To Other Worlds.
That, I believe, is the heart of man. Not declarations, not speeches, no, but the softest word spoken in the softest whisper, to one’s companion after a night of revelry has dwindled down to the tender dawn that follows it.Henry Coffey, a vampire, hires a young man called Theophilius Essex as his secretary. Theophilius is quiet, dilligent, and proper almost to a fault, while Henry is friendly, never shuts up, and is intent on trying to coax Theophilius into expressing any sort of opinion. Over the course of the book, we slowly watch their relationship develop and Theo open up a little as he starts to trust Henry.
To start with the positives, the worldbuilding is pretty great. I loved the take on vampires in particular, it’s classic and yet with a few twists. Another thing I appreciated is the ADHD (Henry) and autism (Theophilius) rep, all very well done. It also helps that the POV alternates between both of them.
The problem is: it moves far too slowly for my taste.
Initially, I liked the slow, gentle development of their relationship well enough. It felt very natural that it’d take a while until Theophilius learned to trust Henry and for them both to get over the usual barrier of their society’s homophobia. The trouble started around 40-60% where there’s an epistolary section between one of them and a character we don’t even really meet on page that seemed to drag on and on and on. It was tedious to read, especially since I didn’t really care about the other person (whose letters were so long, too) and the narrative purpose it served could easily have been achieved otherwise.
Afterwards, it briefly got easier, but the longer the book went on, the more the lack of any real….progress (for the lack of a better word) grated. If I’m reading a romance, I expect the characters to kiss and confess their feelings for each other before the very very end (and I do mean very end here). Slow burn requires extremely good pacing and the lack of anything much happening in the middle frustrated me and made it a real slog to get through. It’s not that I don’t like slow books – I have a whole shelf for SFF slice of life – but there has to be something. There’s only so much mutual pining I can take before I want to scream. Not even the excellent ending fully made up for it.
It’s a shame. I really did want to love it.
Enjoyment: 3/5
Execution: 3.5/5
Recommended to: those who like extremely slow-burn romance and vampires, anyone looking for autism, ADHD, or LGBTQ+ (gay, in particular) rep
Not recommended to: those who want the characters to kiss before the very end
More reviews on my blog, To Other Worlds.
March 11, 2024
Absolutely LOVED LOVED LOVED L O V E D this!!! The tenderness, the longing, the pining!! It had me screaming, crying, throwing up etc. I adore how the relationship between the main characters was build up and as an autistic person I was so happy to see a well written autistic character on the pages!
August 24, 2025
5⭐️
A gentle story. A slow one.
A vampire with adhd and an autistic human, working together and slowly, SLOWLY being drawn to each other.
The tension, the yearning in this book is superb.
Secondary characters are too.
The slowest of slowburns. The gentlest of gentle stories. Just what I needed at this moment 😍
A gentle story. A slow one.
A vampire with adhd and an autistic human, working together and slowly, SLOWLY being drawn to each other.
The tension, the yearning in this book is superb.
Secondary characters are too.
The slowest of slowburns. The gentlest of gentle stories. Just what I needed at this moment 😍
September 20, 2025
ALL THE STARS
RTC, let me digest this STUNNING book properly.
RTC, let me digest this STUNNING book properly.
September 10, 2025
~2.5~
Heart of Stone is a strange story, unique certainly, with moments of brilliance, but buried beneath a cloak of prose clinging to a certain poetic sophistication.
The characters are drawn in bright colors, their every quirk, smile, movement described in detail. I would argue this is more an indulgent character sketch than a romance. There's a distinct lack of sexual tension, even though Theophilus is a virgin longing for a man's touch.
Henry is Theo's employer, and Theo is all about propriety, even as he draws Henry's face, his hands, his fangs.
Correspondence between Theo and a man named Bartholomew, who meets Theo once at a soiree and becomes instantly smitten, goes on for pages. These letters serve no purpose whatsoever.
Henry is driven by jealousy to near madness yet remains silent. Indeed, he continues to metaphorically push Theo into the arms of other men, because Henry's heart is stone-cold or some such idiocy.
Half the story is Henry asking Theo's opinion about something, anything, and Theo responding with "I couldn't say, sir."
The men call each other their surnames with Mr. attached for 80% of the story, such is the formality.
At 97%, Henry tells Theo he forbids him from seeing Bartholomew in London. Theo believes Henry is shaming his homosexuality because with mere pages left in the book, Henry still hasn't told Theo that he (Henry) is gay.
One fade-to-black scene follows, then the epilogue, which is a short chapter consisting mostly of Theo scratching his newly grown beard. Oh, Henry also proposes that he turn Theo into a vampire, and Theo accepts. This is barely an aside; we're not privy to the turning.
Then a cat crashes into a vase, the "demon" cat being mentioned just once before, in a desperate attempt at lightheartedness in an otherwise gloomy, somber story.
The book is set in the 1760s England, but there's nothing concrete to ground it in time and place. Name-dropping historical events and figures is not the same as developing a world. The setting is limited to Theo's boarding house and Henry's manor and office, all confined to the scope of a five minute walk. Society doesn't exist outside of this.
To muddle the waters further, the MCs are meant to be neurodivergent, but Theo's autism and Henry's ADHD felt textbook stereotypical. Not every autistic person is a savant, and not everyone with ADHD gestures wildly when speaking.
We have a historical novel with vampires, magic, queerness, and characters so enlightened, they belong in the 21st century. Do we really need neurodivergence thrown into the mix?
The author uses colons in interesting ways, which is to say not always correctly. One sentence announces another: like this.
"Joseph and Hanna led the charge ... on top of the cook, the gardener, and Mr Woodrow, the stablemaster, and his boy: servants were encouraged to walk with light tread, but Henry could always hear them moving up and down the corridors or the stairs when he was sitting alone with something, and it was comforting." Surely, there should be a period in there somewhere?
I also found multiple run-on sentences such as: "For, you see, Mr Coffey's household, his method of taking that which he needs, is quite efficient - to drink from different servants is to ensure none becomes too ill from the effects of being drunk from, but his process is contained to the household, efficient." The editor was drinking on the job.
Heart of Stone is a strange story, unique certainly, with moments of brilliance, but buried beneath a cloak of prose clinging to a certain poetic sophistication.
The characters are drawn in bright colors, their every quirk, smile, movement described in detail. I would argue this is more an indulgent character sketch than a romance. There's a distinct lack of sexual tension, even though Theophilus is a virgin longing for a man's touch.
Henry is Theo's employer, and Theo is all about propriety, even as he draws Henry's face, his hands, his fangs.
Correspondence between Theo and a man named Bartholomew, who meets Theo once at a soiree and becomes instantly smitten, goes on for pages. These letters serve no purpose whatsoever.
Henry is driven by jealousy to near madness yet remains silent. Indeed, he continues to metaphorically push Theo into the arms of other men, because Henry's heart is stone-cold or some such idiocy.
Half the story is Henry asking Theo's opinion about something, anything, and Theo responding with "I couldn't say, sir."
The men call each other their surnames with Mr. attached for 80% of the story, such is the formality.
At 97%, Henry tells Theo he forbids him from seeing Bartholomew in London. Theo believes Henry is shaming his homosexuality because with mere pages left in the book, Henry still hasn't told Theo that he (Henry) is gay.
One fade-to-black scene follows, then the epilogue, which is a short chapter consisting mostly of Theo scratching his newly grown beard. Oh, Henry also proposes that he turn Theo into a vampire, and Theo accepts. This is barely an aside; we're not privy to the turning.
Then a cat crashes into a vase, the "demon" cat being mentioned just once before, in a desperate attempt at lightheartedness in an otherwise gloomy, somber story.
The book is set in the 1760s England, but there's nothing concrete to ground it in time and place. Name-dropping historical events and figures is not the same as developing a world. The setting is limited to Theo's boarding house and Henry's manor and office, all confined to the scope of a five minute walk. Society doesn't exist outside of this.
To muddle the waters further, the MCs are meant to be neurodivergent, but Theo's autism and Henry's ADHD felt textbook stereotypical. Not every autistic person is a savant, and not everyone with ADHD gestures wildly when speaking.
We have a historical novel with vampires, magic, queerness, and characters so enlightened, they belong in the 21st century. Do we really need neurodivergence thrown into the mix?
The author uses colons in interesting ways, which is to say not always correctly. One sentence announces another: like this.
"Joseph and Hanna led the charge ... on top of the cook, the gardener, and Mr Woodrow, the stablemaster, and his boy: servants were encouraged to walk with light tread, but Henry could always hear them moving up and down the corridors or the stairs when he was sitting alone with something, and it was comforting." Surely, there should be a period in there somewhere?
I also found multiple run-on sentences such as: "For, you see, Mr Coffey's household, his method of taking that which he needs, is quite efficient - to drink from different servants is to ensure none becomes too ill from the effects of being drunk from, but his process is contained to the household, efficient." The editor was drinking on the job.
February 17, 2024
2.5 stars
I haven’t got much to say about this book, except that, on more than one occasion (see: the entire read) I felt that, rather than experiencing a novel, I was listening to a tumblr mutual rant to me about their OCs in great detail. Indeed, this novel lacks a plot: the tale extends forever because nothing of true substance happens other than the ever-recurrent conversations between the two main characters—which spurs on pining and more will-they-won’t they and… nothing else. The pining is also not particularly satisfying, given that the author, at least in this book, displayed a certain poor ability in holding tension in a natural and organic way. I do not doubt that Evans has worked ostensibly on these characters and their backstories (and he makes it known with multiple monologues in which one character tells the other, in great detail, a chunk of their life story), but a reader deserves to have a full package: a plot, with tensions and resolutions (that do not hinge merely on miscommunication) and substance—be it descriptions or meditations. Anything other than these two characters either talking, reminiscing about their pasts or—worst of all—talking about their reminiscences of theirs past to each other.
I feel like the biggest tell-tale sign of this absolute lack of plot is the fact that none of the two main characters has any kind of growth throughout the story: truly, the book ends with Essex and Coffey exactly as they were when we first met them, except that now they’re together.
This is especially frustrating because the choice to make them neurodivergent and queer in an age (the 1700s) where the former wasn’t conceived as it is now and the latter was frowned upon (to say the least) would’ve made for great reflections (on identity and self-understanding and self-love etc). Especially when Coffey’s monstrous nature is right there!! I have never seen an author utilize so poorly their vampiric character for literary purposes and metaphors. Instead, there is no identitarian conflict whatsoever, just pages upon pages of discussions on nothing substantial to the plot (shows, opinions on books and historical events) or poorly concealed pining. The story’s resolution was, also, managed terribly, being briskly rushed and hinging entirely on tired tropes such as miscommunication and jealousy.
I’m mainly disappointed because, had this book been picked up by an editor (or multiple ones) and reworked, it would’ve been a great read since, as I read on, I could see the potential lurking beneath. As it is, I can definitely appreciate the ideas behind it, but feel incredibly disappointed with its execution (the writing style was also, in my opinion, subpar at times). I, also, did not have fun whatsoever: truthfully, I had to skim read some paragraphs because I could tell they were just self-indulgent authorial writing. Indeed, I genuinely did not understand some authorial choices, all of which I believe were picked not for the benefit of the overall text and the reader’s understanding and enjoyment; most of all, I’m perplexed at the insistence on relating (word for word) the many letters between Essex and a character with which the reader is not well acquainted at all and—frankly—of whom, I can confidently say, nobody (aside from the author) would like to know more in the context of this specific story. The letters truly stuck out like a sore thumb in the rest of the novel (both for their tediousness and for the peculiar writing and typing choices such as the use of itemized lists and for the brackets to specify actions—just like they did on tumblr back in the day).
I haven’t got much to say about this book, except that, on more than one occasion (see: the entire read) I felt that, rather than experiencing a novel, I was listening to a tumblr mutual rant to me about their OCs in great detail. Indeed, this novel lacks a plot: the tale extends forever because nothing of true substance happens other than the ever-recurrent conversations between the two main characters—which spurs on pining and more will-they-won’t they and… nothing else. The pining is also not particularly satisfying, given that the author, at least in this book, displayed a certain poor ability in holding tension in a natural and organic way. I do not doubt that Evans has worked ostensibly on these characters and their backstories (and he makes it known with multiple monologues in which one character tells the other, in great detail, a chunk of their life story), but a reader deserves to have a full package: a plot, with tensions and resolutions (that do not hinge merely on miscommunication) and substance—be it descriptions or meditations. Anything other than these two characters either talking, reminiscing about their pasts or—worst of all—talking about their reminiscences of theirs past to each other.
I feel like the biggest tell-tale sign of this absolute lack of plot is the fact that none of the two main characters has any kind of growth throughout the story: truly, the book ends with Essex and Coffey exactly as they were when we first met them, except that now they’re together.
This is especially frustrating because the choice to make them neurodivergent and queer in an age (the 1700s) where the former wasn’t conceived as it is now and the latter was frowned upon (to say the least) would’ve made for great reflections (on identity and self-understanding and self-love etc). Especially when Coffey’s monstrous nature is right there!! I have never seen an author utilize so poorly their vampiric character for literary purposes and metaphors. Instead, there is no identitarian conflict whatsoever, just pages upon pages of discussions on nothing substantial to the plot (shows, opinions on books and historical events) or poorly concealed pining. The story’s resolution was, also, managed terribly, being briskly rushed and hinging entirely on tired tropes such as miscommunication and jealousy.
I’m mainly disappointed because, had this book been picked up by an editor (or multiple ones) and reworked, it would’ve been a great read since, as I read on, I could see the potential lurking beneath. As it is, I can definitely appreciate the ideas behind it, but feel incredibly disappointed with its execution (the writing style was also, in my opinion, subpar at times). I, also, did not have fun whatsoever: truthfully, I had to skim read some paragraphs because I could tell they were just self-indulgent authorial writing. Indeed, I genuinely did not understand some authorial choices, all of which I believe were picked not for the benefit of the overall text and the reader’s understanding and enjoyment; most of all, I’m perplexed at the insistence on relating (word for word) the many letters between Essex and a character with which the reader is not well acquainted at all and—frankly—of whom, I can confidently say, nobody (aside from the author) would like to know more in the context of this specific story. The letters truly stuck out like a sore thumb in the rest of the novel (both for their tediousness and for the peculiar writing and typing choices such as the use of itemized lists and for the brackets to specify actions—just like they did on tumblr back in the day).
“We see the same colours, Mr Essex,” Mr Coffey relented as Theophilus began to unfasten the
waist of his trousers, “but if you might count their shades in the hundreds, whereas I might define a paltry dozen, I do not believe we see the same number at all.”
Theophilus almost found himself clucking his tongue, as he knew his father to do when faced with an equation he struggled to solve, and neatly folded his breeches once drawn off, setting them aside. “You might still distinguish between their shades by sight,” he argued, beginning to draw on his Sunday breeches. “To say that you cannot see something simply because you do not know its name would be absurd. Eve and Adam would not have seen the Tree of Knowledge if the Almighty had not told them its name.”
April 7, 2021
4.5 stars
Historical/paranormal with neurodivergent gays in love, and so much goddamn yearning (I only wished for more time when they were actually together but like!!! Excellent anyway). I love Theophilus Essex so much 😭💕
Anyway, this is a very slow-burn romance with a historical background that is somewhat vague (not as much historical detail as some other I've read, which I don't think is a flaw, it's just a difference from some other histrom I've read). I loved both of the main characters immensely. I have very strong feelings about queer neurodivergent people thriving and loving each other for who they are and BECAUSE of their neurodivergent traits. The two main characters were such a good match, and the yearning was PAINFUL. The only flaw of this book, to me personnally, was that the characters got together at the very end and I would have LOVED more time with them while they were figuring out their relationship once it was established.
I loved the autistic rep especially because well, I'm autistic, and Theophilus Essex is definitely my favourite character of the book (special mention to Ambrose the chaotic trans bastard child, I loved him too). Theophilus' character arc was just immaculate tbh, his dealing with internalized homopphobia, and deciding to open up to Henry, and the whole I'm-not-so-secretely-drawing-monster-porn-of-my-employer thing was also extremely fun to me lol. He's just such a good character, and I loved how he didn't fall into the innocent naive autistic character even if you could somewhat read him that way at the beginning. He's just!!! Good!!!
Henry was amazing too, I loved him, but Theophilus is more My Type of Character. The side characters were also very strong, even those we didn't see much, like Marcellus and Genesius (I'm excited to read the short story about them!)
I also veryyy charmed by Bartholomew Desfrene, the secondary character who flirts with Theophilus and gets Henry jealous. He was very charming and genuinely good and it made Henry's subborn pettiness so much more fun haha.
ANYWAY, it was good. Many neurodivergent gay feelings. Excellent pining. Theophilus Essex is perfect, Ambrose Jr is close second, sorry Henry but you're third.
Historical/paranormal with neurodivergent gays in love, and so much goddamn yearning (I only wished for more time when they were actually together but like!!! Excellent anyway). I love Theophilus Essex so much 😭💕
Anyway, this is a very slow-burn romance with a historical background that is somewhat vague (not as much historical detail as some other I've read, which I don't think is a flaw, it's just a difference from some other histrom I've read). I loved both of the main characters immensely. I have very strong feelings about queer neurodivergent people thriving and loving each other for who they are and BECAUSE of their neurodivergent traits. The two main characters were such a good match, and the yearning was PAINFUL. The only flaw of this book, to me personnally, was that the characters got together at the very end and I would have LOVED more time with them while they were figuring out their relationship once it was established.
I loved the autistic rep especially because well, I'm autistic, and Theophilus Essex is definitely my favourite character of the book (special mention to Ambrose the chaotic trans bastard child, I loved him too). Theophilus' character arc was just immaculate tbh, his dealing with internalized homopphobia, and deciding to open up to Henry, and the whole I'm-not-so-secretely-drawing-monster-porn-of-my-employer thing was also extremely fun to me lol. He's just such a good character, and I loved how he didn't fall into the innocent naive autistic character even if you could somewhat read him that way at the beginning. He's just!!! Good!!!
Henry was amazing too, I loved him, but Theophilus is more My Type of Character. The side characters were also very strong, even those we didn't see much, like Marcellus and Genesius (I'm excited to read the short story about them!)
I also veryyy charmed by Bartholomew Desfrene, the secondary character who flirts with Theophilus and gets Henry jealous. He was very charming and genuinely good and it made Henry's subborn pettiness so much more fun haha.
ANYWAY, it was good. Many neurodivergent gay feelings. Excellent pining. Theophilus Essex is perfect, Ambrose Jr is close second, sorry Henry but you're third.
January 2, 2023
This is a lovely, heartfelt book full of pining and feels and the slowest of slow burns. It is also the least vampire-y vampire book I've ever read.
Henry Coffey is the aforementioned vampire, already several centuries old when the story starts in 1764. His vampireness is known within his household, as his servants - with whom he has longstanding, familial-type relationships - take it in turn to provide his daily, um, nourishment. Theophilus Essex takes a job as his secretary but is not part of his household; he is, at least initially, unaware of his boss's condition, although he notes certain peculiarities relating most noticeably to (lack of) exposure to direct sunlight. In addition to being an extremely competent secretary, Theophilus is also an accomplished amateur artist, who quickly finds in Henry a new favorite subject.
In an author's note, Evans clarifies that Henry is written with ADHD and Theophilus with autism. I should state here that I have neither firsthand nor caregiving experience with either ADHD or autism, so I can't speak to the rep from those perspectives. But I can say that I loved both Henry and Theophilus as characters, and the interaction and deepening emotional intimacy between them. Henry sees Theophilus first as a puzzle: a stoic, deeply serious young man who works exceptionally well, answers all questions posed to him, but speaks little and, in particular, can never be drawn to give an opinion or state a preference:
Henry had asked his opinion today, on what seemed like thirty subjects - he had read the work of every poet Henry had recounted, and had opinions on none of them; he played no sport and enjoyed no games; he did not frequent coffeehouses or taverns, and had no especial love for music or street theatre; he knew nothing of modern fashion trends nor considered that they should, it seemed to Henry, impact his life. Had he told Henry that he spent his evenings pressed between the pages of a heavy tome like a dried flower, Henry would not have been surprised.
But rather than be put off or offended by this, Henry takes it as a challenge. He endlessly engages Theophilus in conversation, aiming always to make it a dialogue rather than an interrogation; and despite his initial bafflement at this way of carrying on, Theophilus eventually parries back, providing Henry and the reader insight into Theophilus's own ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. And -- again speaking as a reader without firsthand familiarity with either ADHD or autism -- I really loved how Henry and Theophilus are written as "because of" rather than "in spite of": they are who they are, feel how they feel, build the relationship they build, and love how they love because and not despite their ADHD and autism.
And so the story goes, following Henry and Theophilus as they develop a close working relationship that turns into a friendship, colored on both sides by mutual, but unspoken - indeed, repressed and denied - attraction and, eventually, love. Secrets are exchanged: Henry confides that he is a vampire, Theophilus that he is attracted to men (notably, Henry does not share that they have this in common; he fears that this will be interpreted as undue pressure from an employer to an employee). Meanwhile, Theophilus is being epistolarily wooed by Bartholomew Dufresne, a rather verbose rake who he met at Henry's birthday party; while Theophilus has no strong feelings for Dufresne, he is enticed by the opportunity to act on his attraction to men, convinced as he is that his feelings for Henry are one-sided.
Henry, for his part, both loathes Dufresne and the thought of Theophilus being with him, at the same time that he holds himself back from any declarations -- both because of the aforementioned boss-employee dynamic but also, more significantly, because of his deep-seated internalized sense that he is fundamentally unlovable, an unnatural creature with a heart of stone, and therefore undeserving of Theophilus. Henry also fears violating Theophilus the way he was violated when he was made a vampire against his will; the two situations are in no way analogous, but reveal Henry's inability to come to terms with vampirism as something other than transgression and abuse. This is so heartwrenching, knowing that Henry lives with this conviction of wrongness in his making and his being. On Theophilus's side, the hesitation to act comes from a more banal, if no less important reason: he still believes Henry to be attracted to women, and fears that Henry's disdain for Dufresnes (which the reader knows is driven by jealousy) is in fact merely masked disdain for love and intimacy between men. This mutual withholding seems like it will carry on in perpetuity, until finally Theophilus's imminent trip to visit (and, it is implied, be ravished by) Dufresnes in London forces both men's hands. And my god. That scene is So. F'ing. Good.
This is a slooooooow book. Plot-wise, there is really not much going on. It is entirely relationship-driven: primarily, of course, by the relationship between Henry and Theophilus, but also between the two MCs and a handful of minor characters, all of whom feel rounded and real despite very little page time. The slow pace and the long buildup really worked for me in the mood I was in (I knew going in that it was a pine-tastic slow burn), but if you're looking for plot-driven vampire escapades with lots of over-the-top drama, this is probably not the book for you. I mean, there were definitely over-the-top feels: I was HEAVILY INVESTED in Henry and Theophilus, and my god, there was a scene about 65 percent along where I nearly spontaneously combusted despite nothing overtly sexual happening (note "overtly". That scene positively dripped with sex. Master class). And despite knowing that there would be an HEA, I was a nervous wreck when my kindle showed 94 percent and they were still waffling. But if you give this beautiful book a bit of patience and space, you will be so amply rewarded. And/or spontaneously combust into a pile of ash, like a vampire who forgot his parasol.
I should note that the language is quite stylized in a way that takes some getting used to, and that there are some minor editing errors and formatting quirks throughout. This is self-published, and I personally find myself more forgiving to these minor issues in self-pubbed than trad-pubbed books - but YMMV.
All in all, an absorbing, emotional, beautifully written twist on vampire romance full of angst and pining and (contented sigh). Highly recommended.
Henry Coffey is the aforementioned vampire, already several centuries old when the story starts in 1764. His vampireness is known within his household, as his servants - with whom he has longstanding, familial-type relationships - take it in turn to provide his daily, um, nourishment. Theophilus Essex takes a job as his secretary but is not part of his household; he is, at least initially, unaware of his boss's condition, although he notes certain peculiarities relating most noticeably to (lack of) exposure to direct sunlight. In addition to being an extremely competent secretary, Theophilus is also an accomplished amateur artist, who quickly finds in Henry a new favorite subject.
In an author's note, Evans clarifies that Henry is written with ADHD and Theophilus with autism. I should state here that I have neither firsthand nor caregiving experience with either ADHD or autism, so I can't speak to the rep from those perspectives. But I can say that I loved both Henry and Theophilus as characters, and the interaction and deepening emotional intimacy between them. Henry sees Theophilus first as a puzzle: a stoic, deeply serious young man who works exceptionally well, answers all questions posed to him, but speaks little and, in particular, can never be drawn to give an opinion or state a preference:
Henry had asked his opinion today, on what seemed like thirty subjects - he had read the work of every poet Henry had recounted, and had opinions on none of them; he played no sport and enjoyed no games; he did not frequent coffeehouses or taverns, and had no especial love for music or street theatre; he knew nothing of modern fashion trends nor considered that they should, it seemed to Henry, impact his life. Had he told Henry that he spent his evenings pressed between the pages of a heavy tome like a dried flower, Henry would not have been surprised.
But rather than be put off or offended by this, Henry takes it as a challenge. He endlessly engages Theophilus in conversation, aiming always to make it a dialogue rather than an interrogation; and despite his initial bafflement at this way of carrying on, Theophilus eventually parries back, providing Henry and the reader insight into Theophilus's own ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. And -- again speaking as a reader without firsthand familiarity with either ADHD or autism -- I really loved how Henry and Theophilus are written as "because of" rather than "in spite of": they are who they are, feel how they feel, build the relationship they build, and love how they love because and not despite their ADHD and autism.
And so the story goes, following Henry and Theophilus as they develop a close working relationship that turns into a friendship, colored on both sides by mutual, but unspoken - indeed, repressed and denied - attraction and, eventually, love. Secrets are exchanged: Henry confides that he is a vampire, Theophilus that he is attracted to men (notably, Henry does not share that they have this in common; he fears that this will be interpreted as undue pressure from an employer to an employee). Meanwhile, Theophilus is being epistolarily wooed by Bartholomew Dufresne, a rather verbose rake who he met at Henry's birthday party; while Theophilus has no strong feelings for Dufresne, he is enticed by the opportunity to act on his attraction to men, convinced as he is that his feelings for Henry are one-sided.
Henry, for his part, both loathes Dufresne and the thought of Theophilus being with him, at the same time that he holds himself back from any declarations -- both because of the aforementioned boss-employee dynamic but also, more significantly, because of his deep-seated internalized sense that he is fundamentally unlovable, an unnatural creature with a heart of stone, and therefore undeserving of Theophilus. Henry also fears violating Theophilus the way he was violated when he was made a vampire against his will; the two situations are in no way analogous, but reveal Henry's inability to come to terms with vampirism as something other than transgression and abuse. This is so heartwrenching, knowing that Henry lives with this conviction of wrongness in his making and his being. On Theophilus's side, the hesitation to act comes from a more banal, if no less important reason: he still believes Henry to be attracted to women, and fears that Henry's disdain for Dufresnes (which the reader knows is driven by jealousy) is in fact merely masked disdain for love and intimacy between men. This mutual withholding seems like it will carry on in perpetuity, until finally Theophilus's imminent trip to visit (and, it is implied, be ravished by) Dufresnes in London forces both men's hands. And my god. That scene is So. F'ing. Good.
This is a slooooooow book. Plot-wise, there is really not much going on. It is entirely relationship-driven: primarily, of course, by the relationship between Henry and Theophilus, but also between the two MCs and a handful of minor characters, all of whom feel rounded and real despite very little page time. The slow pace and the long buildup really worked for me in the mood I was in (I knew going in that it was a pine-tastic slow burn), but if you're looking for plot-driven vampire escapades with lots of over-the-top drama, this is probably not the book for you. I mean, there were definitely over-the-top feels: I was HEAVILY INVESTED in Henry and Theophilus, and my god, there was a scene about 65 percent along where I nearly spontaneously combusted despite nothing overtly sexual happening (note "overtly". That scene positively dripped with sex. Master class). And despite knowing that there would be an HEA, I was a nervous wreck when my kindle showed 94 percent and they were still waffling. But if you give this beautiful book a bit of patience and space, you will be so amply rewarded. And/or spontaneously combust into a pile of ash, like a vampire who forgot his parasol.
I should note that the language is quite stylized in a way that takes some getting used to, and that there are some minor editing errors and formatting quirks throughout. This is self-published, and I personally find myself more forgiving to these minor issues in self-pubbed than trad-pubbed books - but YMMV.
All in all, an absorbing, emotional, beautifully written twist on vampire romance full of angst and pining and (contented sigh). Highly recommended.
March 21, 2022
Man, I wish more romance novels was written like this one. This book is the epitome of slow burn romance and while I could wish for a slightly earlier resolution (more on that later), I still gotta say I loved the slow burn. For all its supernatural and period trappings, this was at its heart (hah) a novel really about two people trying to fall in love from a great distance, and how they overcame each hurdle along the way.
The writing was indeed beautiful and while it probably wasn't particularly true to a 18th century writing style, it was just elaborate enough to set the tone but without being distractingly obnoxious about it.
But the best part of this book is really its character work, and especially surrounding our protagonists, Henry Coffey and his secretary Theophilus Essex. Finally, we have a romance novel that isn't just about insta-love or insta-lust. We have time to get to know our protagonists slowly but engagingly. We see their initial relationship, the coldness and austerity of Theophilus contrasted against the bouncing cheerfulness of Henry, and we're there on the journey as the ice between them thaws.
The side characters are really just afterthoughts here but I have no complaints about that. This is a romance novel after all and I have no issue with the romance taking all the time and attention in the story, rather than sacrificing development time just to build up side characters.
The ending was satisfying enough, although I did have some issues: However, that doesn't quite detract away from the merits of this novel and I'd heartily (hah) recommend this to really just about anyone who loves some slow burn romance.
The writing was indeed beautiful and while it probably wasn't particularly true to a 18th century writing style, it was just elaborate enough to set the tone but without being distractingly obnoxious about it.
But the best part of this book is really its character work, and especially surrounding our protagonists, Henry Coffey and his secretary Theophilus Essex. Finally, we have a romance novel that isn't just about insta-love or insta-lust. We have time to get to know our protagonists slowly but engagingly. We see their initial relationship, the coldness and austerity of Theophilus contrasted against the bouncing cheerfulness of Henry, and we're there on the journey as the ice between them thaws.
The side characters are really just afterthoughts here but I have no complaints about that. This is a romance novel after all and I have no issue with the romance taking all the time and attention in the story, rather than sacrificing development time just to build up side characters.
The ending was satisfying enough, although I did have some issues: However, that doesn't quite detract away from the merits of this novel and I'd heartily (hah) recommend this to really just about anyone who loves some slow burn romance.
July 20, 2022
This really hit the spot. At the time of reading, it had felt like ages since I'd picked up a book I could immerse myself in and get swept away by. I felt this one. It's full of gentle yearning, which is just my favorite.
This book is possibly the most aware of power dynamics and consent that I've ever read. I generally don't read paranormal/vampire romances these days because they tend to come with fated mates, which I hate because of the lack of agency it implies (and in cishet romance it comes with a lot of toxic masculinity). Maybe it's a product of this being a queer book by a queer author, but there's almost no interaction on page in which the characters don't consider the power imbalances and autonomy of the other person. We see this most often with Henry, who by virtue of being the vampire employer of most of the other characters holds the most power. He is always so considerate of Theophilus's boundaries and never pushes them inappropriately. Not only does Theo know he's safe, we as the readers know we are safe, too.
There are a few stylistic quirks that started to annoy me after a while (the whole thing could have really benefitted from some copy/line editing and the ebook is not formatted well), but nothing so significant that the story suffered. And I'm picky, which should tell you how strong the story and characters are. Read this!
Overall rating: 4.5
Hannah Angst Scale rating: 3.5
Content notes: I recommend looking at the comprehensive list in Leigh's review
This book is possibly the most aware of power dynamics and consent that I've ever read. I generally don't read paranormal/vampire romances these days because they tend to come with fated mates, which I hate because of the lack of agency it implies (and in cishet romance it comes with a lot of toxic masculinity). Maybe it's a product of this being a queer book by a queer author, but there's almost no interaction on page in which the characters don't consider the power imbalances and autonomy of the other person. We see this most often with Henry, who by virtue of being the vampire employer of most of the other characters holds the most power. He is always so considerate of Theophilus's boundaries and never pushes them inappropriately. Not only does Theo know he's safe, we as the readers know we are safe, too.
There are a few stylistic quirks that started to annoy me after a while (the whole thing could have really benefitted from some copy/line editing and the ebook is not formatted well), but nothing so significant that the story suffered. And I'm picky, which should tell you how strong the story and characters are. Read this!
Overall rating: 4.5
Hannah Angst Scale rating: 3.5
Content notes: I recommend looking at the comprehensive list in Leigh's review
April 17, 2022
This was a sweet and beautifully written slow burn that has a refreshing take on the usual brooding-vampire character archetype, but the book suffered from a lack of thorough editing and the second half had pacing and plotting issues.
I love that this book's prose is period accurate and it's very reminiscent of the style used in classic books that were actually written in the 18th or 19th centuries, which isn't easy to do. The style consists of long, flowing sentences filled with rich vocabulary where word order and phrasing is played around with until the sentences sound almost lyrical or poetic and it makes the act of reading a joyful experience. In most stories, the words are just there to deliver the narrative and readers don't notice them but this 18th century writing style is designed to be savored. The unusual sentence structures forces a reader to read much slower in order to understand what's being said, and that makes for an enriched reading experience.
Unfortunately, using a writing style that not only encourages but requires readers to read slowly and savor every word means spelling and grammar errors stand out much more and are much more disruptive to reading immersion than books written in a simpler style. There were numerous errors throughout the book, including wrong word usage, missing words and sentences that sound like individual phrases were put into a blender and poured onto the page. Because none of these errors were consistent and everything was spelled correctly, I didn't immediately notice the error - I only noticed that the sentence I read made no sense, which forced me to go back and re-read until I could puzzle out what the author was trying to say. This author is clearly incredibly talented, which is why these errors left me more disappointed than I would be with a book written in simplistic prose.
That being said, I adored the main characters, Henry and Theophilus. I loved that Henry is a 500 year old vampire, but he's far from the usual brooding and arrogant vampire archetype. He's kind, outgoing and talkative. Instead of allowing his vampirism to define him, he lives life as a normal man first and vampire second. He lives his life in 40-50 year increments, setting up a home, getting himself a job and creating ties with the community he's settled into. Instead of staying apart from society, he deliberately stays within it and contributes in a meaningful way, which I found very admirable. Regarding his vampirism, I really appreciated that the author kept this story romance-focused and character-focused, rather than fantasy-focused. There's not a lot of world building because there doesn't need to be. Evans incorporates information about this world when and if such knowledge is required, which is exactly how I like fantasy to be written. There's a lot we don't know about the vampires and magic of this world, but that's because we don't need to know more in order to appreciate and understand the story. Fantasy buffs probably wouldn't be happy with this approach, but it's exactly why I liked this.
Theophilus was also a fantastic character. I loved that he's the polar opposite of Henry: quiet and shy where Henry is loud and talkative. But as the plot progresses, both characters enjoy each other's company so much that they put a lot of effort into finding a compromise between their different preferences (Theophilus lets down his walls and becomes more open, Henry does things like moderating his speech volume and rephrasing questions so Theophilus doesn't feel overwhelmed by them). Comparing their stilted, awkward conversations from the beginning to the playful, chatty bantering in the later parts of the novel is a perfect representation of the character development both men undergo and how much they enjoy each other's company.
Onto the plot. This is absolutely a slow burn and I loved that aspect of it. Speeding up their romance would have taken away from their individual character development and also wouldn't have fit with this time period and their characterizations. That's why I loved the plotlines in the first half that allowed these two to spend more time together by employing tried and true romance tropes that I adore . I also liked the introduction of Bartholomew's crush on Theophilus and Henry's growing jealousy about the situation, another standard romance trope that I love to bits.
Unfortunately, the plot started to drag for me and the pacing became a bit wonky in the second half. Henry and Theophilus' internal thoughts and bantering started getting annoyingly repetitive. The bantering in particular felt pointless because they wouldn't discuss anything important and I think readers were supposed to enjoy the humor in the discussions, but there's only so much pointless bantering I can read before I stop finding it amusing and start finding it boring. In addition, Henry's refusal to tell Theophilus that he's gay despite having multiple opportunities and Theophilus continuing to angst over Bartholomew as a potential romantic partner felt like purposeful attempts to stretch out the slow burn until the final pages of the book. A M/M romance shouldn't reach the 95% mark with one main character still having no clue that the other is gay and attracted to them, never mind having one character still actively contemplating getting into a relationship with somebody else. The reason why is because we had very little time to enjoy Theophilus and Henry actually being together and it made their getting together feel rushed.
In stark contrast, potentially interesting plotlines like Theophilus' former boss blackmailing him, Henry's self-loathing over being a vampire, or Henry wondering if Theophilus would want to be immortal like him were introduced and resolved within a few pages or were dropped without any resolution. Then there was the 'blood farm' plotline, which received way too much attention in the last part of the book. This would normally be a good thing, but it's a plotline that focused heavily on a side character (as opposed to both of our main characters), there hadn't been any setup for this plotline earlier in the book and in general, I hated having a fantasy-heavy plotline take away attention from the character-driven romance that had dominated the rest of the book.
Personally, I would have loved to see the blackmail plotline given much more time and attention because this was a really interesting idea. In addition, having Bartholomew as a potential romantic interest for Theophilus was really great, but I wish the author had done more with this instead of keeping this plotline restricted to rambling letters filled with irrelevant information and constant internal angsting.
Ironically, all of this book's issues can be summed up in one sentiment: there was fantastic potential but the execution left something to be desired. That being said, I adored the author's writing style and this book had an incredible promise in it so I'll definitely be checking out the author's future works.
I love that this book's prose is period accurate and it's very reminiscent of the style used in classic books that were actually written in the 18th or 19th centuries, which isn't easy to do. The style consists of long, flowing sentences filled with rich vocabulary where word order and phrasing is played around with until the sentences sound almost lyrical or poetic and it makes the act of reading a joyful experience. In most stories, the words are just there to deliver the narrative and readers don't notice them but this 18th century writing style is designed to be savored. The unusual sentence structures forces a reader to read much slower in order to understand what's being said, and that makes for an enriched reading experience.
Unfortunately, using a writing style that not only encourages but requires readers to read slowly and savor every word means spelling and grammar errors stand out much more and are much more disruptive to reading immersion than books written in a simpler style. There were numerous errors throughout the book, including wrong word usage, missing words and sentences that sound like individual phrases were put into a blender and poured onto the page. Because none of these errors were consistent and everything was spelled correctly, I didn't immediately notice the error - I only noticed that the sentence I read made no sense, which forced me to go back and re-read until I could puzzle out what the author was trying to say. This author is clearly incredibly talented, which is why these errors left me more disappointed than I would be with a book written in simplistic prose.
That being said, I adored the main characters, Henry and Theophilus. I loved that Henry is a 500 year old vampire, but he's far from the usual brooding and arrogant vampire archetype. He's kind, outgoing and talkative. Instead of allowing his vampirism to define him, he lives life as a normal man first and vampire second. He lives his life in 40-50 year increments, setting up a home, getting himself a job and creating ties with the community he's settled into. Instead of staying apart from society, he deliberately stays within it and contributes in a meaningful way, which I found very admirable. Regarding his vampirism, I really appreciated that the author kept this story romance-focused and character-focused, rather than fantasy-focused. There's not a lot of world building because there doesn't need to be. Evans incorporates information about this world when and if such knowledge is required, which is exactly how I like fantasy to be written. There's a lot we don't know about the vampires and magic of this world, but that's because we don't need to know more in order to appreciate and understand the story. Fantasy buffs probably wouldn't be happy with this approach, but it's exactly why I liked this.
Theophilus was also a fantastic character. I loved that he's the polar opposite of Henry: quiet and shy where Henry is loud and talkative. But as the plot progresses, both characters enjoy each other's company so much that they put a lot of effort into finding a compromise between their different preferences (Theophilus lets down his walls and becomes more open, Henry does things like moderating his speech volume and rephrasing questions so Theophilus doesn't feel overwhelmed by them). Comparing their stilted, awkward conversations from the beginning to the playful, chatty bantering in the later parts of the novel is a perfect representation of the character development both men undergo and how much they enjoy each other's company.
Onto the plot. This is absolutely a slow burn and I loved that aspect of it. Speeding up their romance would have taken away from their individual character development and also wouldn't have fit with this time period and their characterizations. That's why I loved the plotlines in the first half that allowed these two to spend more time together by employing tried and true romance tropes that I adore . I also liked the introduction of Bartholomew's crush on Theophilus and Henry's growing jealousy about the situation, another standard romance trope that I love to bits.
Unfortunately, the plot started to drag for me and the pacing became a bit wonky in the second half. Henry and Theophilus' internal thoughts and bantering started getting annoyingly repetitive. The bantering in particular felt pointless because they wouldn't discuss anything important and I think readers were supposed to enjoy the humor in the discussions, but there's only so much pointless bantering I can read before I stop finding it amusing and start finding it boring. In addition, Henry's refusal to tell Theophilus that he's gay despite having multiple opportunities and Theophilus continuing to angst over Bartholomew as a potential romantic partner felt like purposeful attempts to stretch out the slow burn until the final pages of the book. A M/M romance shouldn't reach the 95% mark with one main character still having no clue that the other is gay and attracted to them, never mind having one character still actively contemplating getting into a relationship with somebody else. The reason why is because we had very little time to enjoy Theophilus and Henry actually being together and it made their getting together feel rushed.
In stark contrast, potentially interesting plotlines like Theophilus' former boss blackmailing him, Henry's self-loathing over being a vampire, or Henry wondering if Theophilus would want to be immortal like him were introduced and resolved within a few pages or were dropped without any resolution. Then there was the 'blood farm' plotline, which received way too much attention in the last part of the book. This would normally be a good thing, but it's a plotline that focused heavily on a side character (as opposed to both of our main characters), there hadn't been any setup for this plotline earlier in the book and in general, I hated having a fantasy-heavy plotline take away attention from the character-driven romance that had dominated the rest of the book.
Personally, I would have loved to see the blackmail plotline given much more time and attention because this was a really interesting idea. In addition, having Bartholomew as a potential romantic interest for Theophilus was really great, but I wish the author had done more with this instead of keeping this plotline restricted to rambling letters filled with irrelevant information and constant internal angsting.
Ironically, all of this book's issues can be summed up in one sentiment: there was fantastic potential but the execution left something to be desired. That being said, I adored the author's writing style and this book had an incredible promise in it so I'll definitely be checking out the author's future works.
January 13, 2021
4.25 stars
I honestly didn’t think I’d be reading much of anything this month given *waves hands* everything going on right now until a Twitter thread by this author caught my eye. He’d written...tweeted...a story about a young woman meeting her late father’s secretary and I was immediately charmed by this brief but emotional story, and knew I needed to find everything they’ve written. It was that good.
This brings me to the gently measured but incredibly thoughtful and delightful Heart of Stone. What a gift this turned out to be. I took my time with this book as it demanded that I shift my focus from endless doomscrolling to a world that narrowed down to conversations between two men; one a vampire and the other his secretary. Henry’s endless questions and Theophilus’s careful answers required my attention and in return, it gave me this quiet joy that was wholly unexpected. This is a love story but it’s a love that unfolds slowly, page by page, question by answer until it can no longer be denied or suppressed. This isn’t a quick read but it’s all the more satisfying because of it.
I honestly didn’t think I’d be reading much of anything this month given *waves hands* everything going on right now until a Twitter thread by this author caught my eye. He’d written...tweeted...a story about a young woman meeting her late father’s secretary and I was immediately charmed by this brief but emotional story, and knew I needed to find everything they’ve written. It was that good.
This brings me to the gently measured but incredibly thoughtful and delightful Heart of Stone. What a gift this turned out to be. I took my time with this book as it demanded that I shift my focus from endless doomscrolling to a world that narrowed down to conversations between two men; one a vampire and the other his secretary. Henry’s endless questions and Theophilus’s careful answers required my attention and in return, it gave me this quiet joy that was wholly unexpected. This is a love story but it’s a love that unfolds slowly, page by page, question by answer until it can no longer be denied or suppressed. This isn’t a quick read but it’s all the more satisfying because of it.
Read
November 24, 2020A+ pining
Read
November 6, 2023Jonathan Frakes Asks You Things but make it flirty
This is a hilarious, pining, gentle treat of a book. It's all the yearning of vampires but much kinder.
This is a hilarious, pining, gentle treat of a book. It's all the yearning of vampires but much kinder.
dnf
October 5, 2025DNF @ 20%
I just don't think this one is for me. I'm very much a plot driven reader and this is character focused. Wasn't feeling the chemistry at all.
I just don't think this one is for me. I'm very much a plot driven reader and this is character focused. Wasn't feeling the chemistry at all.
October 8, 2023
this book was so precise and beautiful with its words that the not-so-subtle, scream-worthy pining felt akin to that of a leyendecker painting. i have so much to say, so much to feel and share, but i’ll leave it for my proper review soon.
i had some teeny tiny qualms with the final 10%, mostly burning down to: i wish it were longer!!! if just to fully feel the reward of those 400 pages worth of yearning — it feels like it was rushed a little towards the end, which was perhaps emphasised by how slow and meandering the other 90% was (which i wholeheartedly enjoyed)
i have never really read anything quite so pointed and intimate, and my heart burns with the intensity of it all.
4.5 stars, i wholly recommend!!!
i had some teeny tiny qualms with the final 10%, mostly burning down to: i wish it were longer!!! if just to fully feel the reward of those 400 pages worth of yearning — it feels like it was rushed a little towards the end, which was perhaps emphasised by how slow and meandering the other 90% was (which i wholeheartedly enjoyed)
i have never really read anything quite so pointed and intimate, and my heart burns with the intensity of it all.
4.5 stars, i wholly recommend!!!
October 2, 2020
Well, I certainly wasn't planning to read this almost in one sitting but here we are. It was delightful and adorable and I didn't know you could concentrate so much longing in under 300 pages.
This a very slow, very slice of life, m/m historical vampire romance. The joy and beauty of it are in the two main characters dialogue, thoughts, and emotions. It's wonderful seeing Theophilius open up and reveal bits of his thoughts and opinions. The two are so great together right from the start, Henry is all cheerful and chatty, Theophilius is all silent, reserved, and exceedingly proper.
This a very slow, very slice of life, m/m historical vampire romance. The joy and beauty of it are in the two main characters dialogue, thoughts, and emotions. It's wonderful seeing Theophilius open up and reveal bits of his thoughts and opinions. The two are so great together right from the start, Henry is all cheerful and chatty, Theophilius is all silent, reserved, and exceedingly proper.
January 5, 2023
I must confess I’ve never understood the appeal of low stakes cozy fantasy… until now that is. I LOVED this book, it’s a slow burn romance over the course of a year with top notch pining. Henry the vampire with ADHD falling in love with his autistic secretary Theophilus. The neurodivergent rep is so beautifully done and both characters felt very real and alive (undead?). The writing is wonderful and evokes a strong sense of time, the book is set in the 1700s and written as such. Loved every word and wished there was more.
February 20, 2024
This was so cute!!
February 18, 2022
Do you need an exquisite slow burn of a romance with intense pining and longing glances? Look no further than this historical paranormal romance. Angsty, yearning, gloriously moving. It made me cry and it also made my heart so full.
Vampire Henry hires Theophilus as his personal secretary. Henry is lonely and touch-starved but also a completely vivacious, lively character. He’s intensely interested in Theophilus’s opinions, whereas Theophilus is completely baffled by this and wants to maintain propriety. We get different vignettes of their interactions as their relationship grows from employer-employee to friends to (much later) something more. The story focuses on small intimacies and I ate it up. There are lingering gazes upon wrists and contemplation of faces.
Theophilus is an accomplished artist and I loved how art and his artwork in particular factored in. This leads to one of the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever seen in romance. I want an illustrated version so we can see all of his drawings. But the descriptions (similar to alt text on social media images) were very effective.
This book felt revelatory. There’s something deeply loving about all of the characters, in and of themselves but also the way they look out for each other. It has a broader sense of community than your typical historical romance. Then there’s the writing itself, utterly gorgeous prose. It has an old-fashioned, otherworldly feel.
There are just so many details I loved, from Theophilus’s love of the rain to the cat interrupting an almost kiss to Henry’s care and concern about power dynamics and consent in all areas of his life. This is closed door, which feels true to the characters, but there are also erotic drawings and dreams. This is a lush, deeply realized world with chemistry and feelings galore. The ending made me smile so big. Just a perfect epilogue in every way.
I first learned of Johannes T. Evans in early 2021 thanks to his TweetFic. His story was so remarkable, I immediately went in search of what else he’d written and came across this. It fell prey to the plight of so many books on my TBR, languishing until such a time as this. Having finished, I’m mad at myself for not having read it immediately upon purchase. At the same time, I’m so glad I read it now because it was exactly what I needed. I keep turning the story over in mind and sighing with satisfaction. What a wonder. Highly recommended.
Characters: Henry is a 505 year old gay white vampire and publisher with ADHD. He has a cat named Astaroth. Theophilus is a 26 year old autistic gay white Greek British personal secretary. This is set in 1764 Birmingham, England.
Content notes: closeted MCs (no forced outing), internalized homophobia, homophobia, vampire bite/blood drinking/bloodletting, vampire bite’s effect compared to opium, MC stalked by fiancée (arranged marriage) for 18 years who turned him into a vampire against his will (she was later burned as a witch), influenza leading to the death of two employees, sprained ankle (takes laudanum for pain), secondary character discusses past setting of broken leg, Black Death plague (past), discussion of enslavement in US (MC’s former employer was an enslaver), off-page sex, erotic dreams and drawings, alcohol, inebriation, hangover, pregnant secondary character, possible acephobic line (sex/desire is a natural instinct), cissexist language, ableist language, past death of MC’s family and other loved ones, past death of secondary character’s wife (infection), reference to secondary character’s mother dying in childbirth
Vampire Henry hires Theophilus as his personal secretary. Henry is lonely and touch-starved but also a completely vivacious, lively character. He’s intensely interested in Theophilus’s opinions, whereas Theophilus is completely baffled by this and wants to maintain propriety. We get different vignettes of their interactions as their relationship grows from employer-employee to friends to (much later) something more. The story focuses on small intimacies and I ate it up. There are lingering gazes upon wrists and contemplation of faces.
Theophilus is an accomplished artist and I loved how art and his artwork in particular factored in. This leads to one of the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever seen in romance. I want an illustrated version so we can see all of his drawings. But the descriptions (similar to alt text on social media images) were very effective.
This book felt revelatory. There’s something deeply loving about all of the characters, in and of themselves but also the way they look out for each other. It has a broader sense of community than your typical historical romance. Then there’s the writing itself, utterly gorgeous prose. It has an old-fashioned, otherworldly feel.
There are just so many details I loved, from Theophilus’s love of the rain to the cat interrupting an almost kiss to Henry’s care and concern about power dynamics and consent in all areas of his life. This is closed door, which feels true to the characters, but there are also erotic drawings and dreams. This is a lush, deeply realized world with chemistry and feelings galore. The ending made me smile so big. Just a perfect epilogue in every way.
I first learned of Johannes T. Evans in early 2021 thanks to his TweetFic. His story was so remarkable, I immediately went in search of what else he’d written and came across this. It fell prey to the plight of so many books on my TBR, languishing until such a time as this. Having finished, I’m mad at myself for not having read it immediately upon purchase. At the same time, I’m so glad I read it now because it was exactly what I needed. I keep turning the story over in mind and sighing with satisfaction. What a wonder. Highly recommended.
Characters: Henry is a 505 year old gay white vampire and publisher with ADHD. He has a cat named Astaroth. Theophilus is a 26 year old autistic gay white Greek British personal secretary. This is set in 1764 Birmingham, England.
Content notes: closeted MCs (no forced outing), internalized homophobia, homophobia, vampire bite/blood drinking/bloodletting, vampire bite’s effect compared to opium, MC stalked by fiancée (arranged marriage) for 18 years who turned him into a vampire against his will (she was later burned as a witch), influenza leading to the death of two employees, sprained ankle (takes laudanum for pain), secondary character discusses past setting of broken leg, Black Death plague (past), discussion of enslavement in US (MC’s former employer was an enslaver), off-page sex, erotic dreams and drawings, alcohol, inebriation, hangover, pregnant secondary character, possible acephobic line (sex/desire is a natural instinct), cissexist language, ableist language, past death of MC’s family and other loved ones, past death of secondary character’s wife (infection), reference to secondary character’s mother dying in childbirth
February 16, 2022
Unequivocally my favourite read of 2022 so far. It has everything I want and need in a romance novel:
- a distinctive voice, with a near-perfect ear for dialogue
- strong, rich characters - not just the MCs but the secondary cast as well
- an unerring focus on what makes two people come to love each other - the way the book draws out the relationship between Henry and Theophilus is excruciatingly beautiful
- explorations of erotic contact that don’t follow the script
- pining pining pining for days (months, a year)
- a sense of delight and play, even when it’s achingly tense
- head on confrontation of ethical and moral challenges inherent in the scenario; from the power dynamics of the employer/employee relationship, to the inequities of slavery and indenture in the British world of the 1760s
- world-building with enough, but not too much
Really, it was my catnip, beginning to end. It isn’t perfect in its editing (and the format of the ebook is a bit off putting) but the love Johannes Evans works into every line - it’s a stunning display. I can’t wait to read more of his work.
- a distinctive voice, with a near-perfect ear for dialogue
- strong, rich characters - not just the MCs but the secondary cast as well
- an unerring focus on what makes two people come to love each other - the way the book draws out the relationship between Henry and Theophilus is excruciatingly beautiful
- explorations of erotic contact that don’t follow the script
- pining pining pining for days (months, a year)
- a sense of delight and play, even when it’s achingly tense
- head on confrontation of ethical and moral challenges inherent in the scenario; from the power dynamics of the employer/employee relationship, to the inequities of slavery and indenture in the British world of the 1760s
- world-building with enough, but not too much
Really, it was my catnip, beginning to end. It isn’t perfect in its editing (and the format of the ebook is a bit off putting) but the love Johannes Evans works into every line - it’s a stunning display. I can’t wait to read more of his work.
February 29, 2024
This book was such a delight to read. I loved every single character and dearly wanted to protect them all. The witty banter and yearning between the MCs was definitely one of the strongest points of the story, and it made the pay off at the end that much sweeter.
April 24, 2023
this book was so fucking good I need to inject it in my blood I need to inhale it to the point where it replaces the oxygen in me I will literally cut myself open and stuff its pages in my torso
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