Excerpt from my Frontline Internship reflection paper:
My experience going into reading A Small Book About Why We Hide (I’ll call it WWH here on out) was that of excitement and high expectation. This was due entirely to reading A Small Book for the Anxious Heart as a part of the Leadership Development Cohort last year – a devotional that gradually revolutionized the way I viewed my anxiety in light of the Gospel, unlike anything I’ve read or heard. Now upon (almost) completing WWH, I can safely say that it matched the expectation of that first book, though in a different direction, and was the catalyst to some refreshing dialogue I’ve had with those in my community.
A large part of the benefit I took from this book revolved around dealing with insecurity. Even acknowledging it exists in my heart was a win, but to then further speak truth over it through what Jesus has done at the Cross and is doing in the Spirit. More so than any Christian self-help teaching, this book emphasized the Gospel’s power over the heart. (Welch’s zingers like “Your sin problem is worse than your insecurity” are hard to slap on a Mardel motivational poster!) However, this was not done to the end of dismissing the heart’s power and importance, and I appreciate how WWH uses great nuance and compassion to parse through the complexity of insecurity.
One major expression of insecurity/anxiety/shame this book helped to name has existed for a long time, but in this residency I’ve now had to face head on more than ever: the fear of man. Both the nature and nurture of most of my upbringing have reinforced this fear in my already sinful nature, to the point where it’s the closest thing I have to “a thorn in my flesh”. The words of conviction and comfort Welch brings to my soul through this book have been incredibly needed – not only for my own perception alone, but to express that to others. One applicable way this plays out is actually with Frontline staff. I’ve had good conversations with both Phil and Charlie about my anxious need to be accepted by elders, deacons, or other leaders in high standing in our church, especially in the worship ministry… it’s this unhealthy and unbiblical need to be accepted and approved of by people that, though I genuinely respect and think highly of, are imperfect people and not God. Firstly, I felt immensely seen and known in bringing this up with them, especially in how gracious and understanding they were of my fears. But independent of their response, I’ve felt empowered to an unbelievable degree by teachings in WHH that emphasize how God’s love and presence are truly enough, and how in that sufficient love I can then love others more than needing love from them. That was HUGE for me as a chronic people-pleaser, and aims my heart at Christ more and more.
All being said, this is far from the last I’ll battle the fear of man in my life. It really does feel like a huge mountain to climb to overcome shame and insecurity in my life… if it’s even possible to “fully” overcome. There’s a lot on in the latter part of the book on shame that I know I have yet to really dig into and understand, and to know why I feel unloveable and I don’t belong. Though in that looming scope of what I have yet to walk in, another comforting thought in the book was nestled in a response question, where Welch states “God favors slow, steady growth using ordinary means.” This gives rest to my anxiousness to have my heart figured out overnight, and to trust God with what he will teach me the next day / next month / next year. This even points to how beneficial daily devotionals are to me, where the many small steps take me further than the giant leap.