You Can Change Other People: The Four Steps to Help Your Colleagues, Employees—Even Family—Up Their Game

by Peter Bregman, Peter Bregman

Discover how to change the lives of the people around you

In You Can Change Other People, the world’s #1 executive coach, Peter Bregman, and Howie Jacobson, Ph.D., share the Four Steps to help the people around you make positive change — even if they’ve been stuck for years.

The authors rely on over 50 years of collective professional experience to show you exactly what to say to influence those around you for the better. Changing the way you talk will stop you from being perceived as a critic, and turn you into a welcomed and effective ally.  You’ll learn how

Disarm their defensiveness and increase their confidence to act Turn people’s biggest problems into even bigger opportunities Ensure accountability and follow through without making them dependent on you No one wants to be changed; but change and personal growth are critical to success, and more importantly, to a fulfilled life. You Can Change Other People is a must-read for those who want to improve their impact with co-workers, family members, and everyone in between.

Genres: Leadership, Nonfiction, Self Help, Management, Communication, Audiobook, Business

209 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 15, 2021

About the author

Peter Bregman is the CEO of Bregman Partners, Inc., a global management consulting firm which advises CEOs and their leadership teams. He speaks, writes, and consults about how to lead and how to live.

He is the author, most recently, of 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done, winner of the Gold Medal from the Axiom Business Book awards, named the best business book of the year on NPR, and selected by Publisher’s Weekly and the New York Post as a top 10 business book of the year. He is also the author of Point B: A Short Guide to Leading a Big Change and co-author of five other books. Featured on PBS, ABC and CNN, Peter is a regular contributor to Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Forbes, National Public Radio (NPR), Psychology Today, and CNN.

Peter began his career teaching leadership on wilderness and mountaineering expeditions and then moved into the consulting field with the Hay Group and Accenture, before starting Bregman Partners in 1998. Peter has advised CEO and senior leaders in many of the world’s premier organizations, including Allianz, American Express, Brunswick Group, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Deutsche Bank, JPMorgan Chase, FEI, GE Capital, Merck, Clear Channel, Nike, UNICEF, and many others.

Peter bases his work on the notion that an organization, at its core, is a platform for talent. By unleashing that talent, focusing it on business results, and aligning it with a compelling vision, both the individual and the organization thrive. Since 1989, Peter has trained and coached all levels of management and individuals to recognize their leadership, exhibit leadership behaviors, model and stimulate change, and foster their own development and growth as well as that of their teams and colleagues.

Peter earned his B.A. from Princeton University and his M.B.A. from Columbia University. He can be reached at pbregman@bregmanpartners.com.

He lives in New York City with his wife and three children.

Reviews

[Inna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Полезная книга, чтобы перестать давать советы, которые никому не нужны, и начать конструктивный диалог с позитивным результатом. Особенно, если не просто заучить фразы (для кого-то, конечно, и это будет работать) типа "Хочешь, мы вместе подумаем, как это исправить", а действительно выработать привычку быть союзником, а не критиком.

[Annette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would never have read this book if I had not heard Rip Esselstyn interview Howie Jacobson on the Plantstrong podcast. The title is unfortunate, in my opinion. The podcast convinced me it would be an interesting read, however. I loved the book. It is about how to support people in finding THEIR answers. It inspired me so much that I am now in Wellcoach's school for health and wellness coaches and loving it.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not impressed by authors who use deceptive clickbait titles.

While Peter starts off claiming that you can change people, the rest of the book explains how you can help people change themselves.

In Peter's own words: "We can develop a person's ownership, independent capability, emotional courage, and future-proofing, so they change themselves."

Despite this cheap marketing ploy, I still give this book 5 stars because it is a practical guide using a 4-step model:
1. Shift from Critic to Ally
2. Identify an Energizing Outcome
3. Find the Hidden Opportunity
4. Create a Level-10 Plan

I like how one scenario is used throughout the book to illustrate the model as well as the techniques by allowing the reader to listen in to the coaching conversation.

One of the best ways to help people change is to ask them empowering questions. This book is full of them.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bought the ebook, then immediately ordered a physical copy

This book is so good that I happily paid double for it. I bought the ebook, devoured it and then ordered a physical copy. When it gets here I will work through it slowly, trying things out as I go.

Once every ten years or so, I read a book that changes the trajectory of my life. This is that one-in-a-decade read.

I experimented using these techniques with my husband and young daughters (5 & 3) around our dinner plans and avoided some serious negative patterns that had been preventing us from enjoying each other's company. I can see that the more time I spend with this book the more it will reward me.

It's funny, earlier this week I thought "If I could choose any super power, it would be to be able to change other people." Thanks to this book I have a practical, actionable way to do just that. Thank you.

[Juanita · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this book in the audio version and I would think that reading it would be much better. They give conversation examples which are repeated with different endings. In a book you would skip what you had already read and just read the changed ending. I found it a bit too repetitive. It was also a bit annoying having to listen to the names of the people who were speaking as they would announce them every time and as they were saying short sentences this was annoying by the end. In a book you would again not read the names.
In having said all that it had some good thoughts in it about really getting to people’s motivations for the actions you would like to see changed.
Also a reminder to ask open ended questions.
Very practical as they give you lots of examples of conversations and let you know there were more examples on their website.

[Gail · Rating 4 out of 5]

*I thought it was a practical, easy reading book, most applicable for me in a work environment.
*The easy 4-step approach makes it a great book for managers or a book club.
*"Ally-OOP" is a memorable mnemonic, and helped me see these types of conversations through a different lens.
*I'm not 100% behind the book title. The authors recognize that people don't resist change, they resist being changed, so I see it more as a blueprint for helping others improve or change 1. when they're ready to, and 2. when they've asked for help.
*Could be a fast read, but time should be taken to digest the message.

[Rick Yvanovich · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been looking for a book like this for a while it magically appeared.

The big aha (spoiler alert) is the subtle difference around change - the pivotal point being when they are ready / want to change.

This small but key point would change the entire dynamic and I am so grateful for the authors to write and publish this key point

I am sure it will make a huge difference and I can’t wait to try it out

Additionally, the framework steps outlined in the book I look forward to seeing and trying them in action

[Melanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the concepts are good but there is no way this needed to be a book. 90% of the content is just repeated conversation examples showing various dos and don’ts. It would have been stronger to show it in various contexts (work, home, friendships).
It also doesn’t work if someone doesn’t want to change. Even in the examples of someone with a fixed mindset their response is always a growth one after one tweak of wording. Rather than *shrug „I don’t know“ that most people with a fixed mindset respond with.

[The Geeky Viking · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book that gives specific examples on the right kind of questions to ask when you're trying to get your colleagues, employees, or family members to change a certain behaviour/behaviours. The audio version is well-read by one of the authors and is fairly straightforward to follow. It's worth picking up a physical copy as well, so that you can refer back to the teachings. I really enjoyed it and took some worthwhile information from it.

[Alex Carlson · Rating 4 out of 5]

As part of a leadership group that I'm in we are assigned a book to read every two months. Most of them are snooze fests and I never finish, but this one was remarkably helpful. The real-life scenarios that Bregman outlines are applicable to just about any job setting and is also useful for teacher/student, coach/player, and even familial relationships.

This is one that's staying on my desk because I can see myself referring to it often.

[Firas Abdulhasain · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful tips with role play examples about how to approach ourselves and others to do things differently, with ownership.

"People do not resist change, they resist being changed."

When we empower ourselves and others, we change what we do and how we do it.

[Heather]

ne of the best books that I have read and you feel as though you are sitting there in the conversation and comfortable sharing your experience and seeing your relationships transform for everyone inolved.Theres no magic wand not speica things to say Peter's steps all work together.

[Dai Nguyen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ownership is really important to change. That's why we always need to ask people to get permision to help the change

[Eva · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picked because it was available and I was curious. Easy to read/listen. Somewhat repetitive. But, essentially, a leadership coach translate the process for the rest of us.

[Marusja · Rating 5 out of 5]

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[Arun Narayanaswamy · Rating 2 out of 5]

An average book which could simply be summarised by saying “be empathetic and others will change”. Rest I didn’t find much value in this.