You Told Me You Were Different: An Anthology of Harm

by Kitty Robinson

This consciousness-raising anthology discusses mistreatment & abuse within the queer and transgender community. It contains 43 anonymous works of art and writing.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, LGBT, Politics

197 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2021

About the author

Lesbian maverick, feminist extremist.

Reviews

[Jem · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is incredible, and i feel so proud of every woman who decided to come forward with her story. i think that someday in the future, people will look back on this anthology as a crucial feminist work.

[Kitty]

Disclaimer: I edited this anthology.

I decided to sit down and read it, cover to cover. It was really intense, despite having seen all of the submissions over and over.

I'm really proud of everyone who submitted. It is an incredibly difficult subject to speak about. It's not very fun to tell your story when you know the overwhelming majority of people who it seems like should be able to hear & support you will condemn & attack you. Unbelievably painful insult following grievous injury.

If you have experienced or are experiencing male violence in this context and are feel you are not allowed to think of it or call it that - or that you are a bad person for being hurt - this book is for you. You do not have to subscribe to any ideology to get out of the situation you are in. You are not alone, what happened or is happening to you matters, and who did it to you is not insignificant.

[lezhypatia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This anthology is truly beyond rating. It is essential. It is heartbreaking. I have sat in stunned silence after finishing it because even though I know how common male violence is, I am rendered speechless by how eloquent and resilient women manage to be through it. This anthology is truly singular in its subject matter and honesty.

[Eli · Rating 1 out of 5]

Saw this getting some traction again in ‘separatist’ circles so looked through it - poisonous TERF anthology that heavily influenced a Janice Raymond book. Explicitly designed to platform stories about transfeminine abusers in a way that forwards the idea of trans women as inherently sexually abusive men, though they predictably try to hedge or obfuscate elements of that. It’s not even all abuse stories (there’s some more generic TERF tumblr essay moon goddess content), but the authenticity of the stories is irrelevant given what they’re being used to do - although it’s notable that very raw abuse narratives coexist here with cartoonish transmisogynistic caricature; one claims their trans ex girlfriend had sex with a dog. Maybe one of the most evil, exploitative books I’ve ever read, for research or otherwise. Avoid.

[Arlee · Rating 5 out of 5]

An important undertaking

[crisu · Rating 1 out of 5]

okay so i initially started this book thinking it was about broken relationships and trust, so imagine my surprise when i found out it was actually a trans-exclusionary compilation. I still decided to be openminded and give it a try. My conclusion has been that this book should borderline be considered a hate crime.

Honestly the topic is actually interesting. How can our influences socialize us depending on our assigned gender at birth? What are the difference between AFAB and trans women? What is considered enough or not to be a woman? I was hoping the book gathered all of this ideas and actually constructed a sociological view about it.

Surprise: it does not.

What the book does is literally demonise trans people. I am not trying to diminish any of the victims that were SA and were brave enough to tell their stories. In fact, some of the feeling (why do i have to respect their pronouns when they couldn’t even respect my body?) are very valid and meaningful. However, looking at these relationships through the black and white prisma of men vs women lacks to take into account a lot of facts about the abusers other than they were trans. In fact, most are mentally ill and completely trash people.

The book constantly highlights the fact that they are “men in disguise” but then goes to talk positively about trans men (make it make sense). Really many texts talk about how trans women only focus on the stereotype that is being a woman and how that is wrong. However, the authors do the same thing in order to categorize themselves as “real women” vs fake.

I feel like this is just a bunch of lesbians doing precisely what straight men have been doing to our community our whole lives. It is sad to see texts written by hurt individuals to feed hate and exclusion. My heart goes to all the victims. However, as a community we need to be able to see further than biased poetry when it comes to serious matters.

[Bri B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

It always hurts to read this, but it’s so important to talk about and to realize we aren’t alone in what happened to us. I was 16 when I submitted my story for this book and I remember thinking that I wished I could’ve been more eloquent or that my experiences were something I’d never be able to move past, but reading this again, I realized it took me a very long time to even remember His name.

I hope everyone else who shared their stories are able to find some kind of closure, or at least be able to have found some sense of comfort within the feminist or LGB communities since these stories happened.

[Adalheid · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this book and it's not a fun read by any means but important and powerful. I don't know how to even appropriately thank these writers for the courage it took to speak up and write down their stories in the face of everything that doesn't want this spoken aloud. A goodreads review is just not sufficient to the task.

[Stephanie Gates · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short book was a gut punch to read. It discussed so many things that a lot of the more "progressive" people are afraid of discussing, and shed light on what so many lesbians are currently going through. I wept at some points, and wish that there was no need for stories like these to be told. But until women and lesbians are listened to, these stories will become all the more common, and remain all too sad.

[Fran · Rating 4 out of 5]

The editor of this is really cool :^) she sent me a personalized thank you note and a picture of what must be her and her partner's cat with my copy.

One star taken off because of the print quality on some of the visual pieces in this anthology. Unfortunately some of the visual pieces were clearly better suited either to a full-color anthology (perhaps on glossy paper designed for images), or just to staying online.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was chilling.

for everyone missing the point of the book and thinking it's intention is to attack trans people for being trans:

the point of the book is that survivors of this kind of abuse are silenced and not allowed to name the problem. this anthology is where they were given a platform to talk about their experiences of abuse. the abusers being trans had very little to do with it (except for cultural reasons: their transness insulated them from consequences and contributed to the silencing of the victims), but the abusers all had in common that they were biologically male. that is quite obvious. it is pointing out that violence from transwomen exhibits male-pattern violence. they are experiencing male violence and they were silenced by their own community for trying to speak out against their abusers.

there are literally writings of trans men in this. there are people who use the preferred pronouns of their abusers. because it's not intended to attack trans people - trans people have contributed to this anthology. it's intended to name the problem of male violence. and the same people in these reviews who would rather police wrongthink than empathise with victims of abuse and sexual violence are EXACTLY THE REASON this anthology was necessary.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you heard of Lewis's Law? "Comments on any article about feminism justify feminism"?

The one star reviews of this anthology justify its reason for existing.

(Removed a star because of poor print quality on some pages, a bit distracting.)

[Kjell Warner · Rating 5 out of 5]

All the women who submitted their accounts are incredibly brave. I love this book, and can't wait to read updates.

[B Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has suffered abuse similar to that described, it's very surprising and reassuring to see abuse of this nature talked about, though it will undoubtedly be stifled and silenced by those with a misogynistic agenda. All women's voices have value, all women's stories need to be heard, and victim blaming shall not be tolerated in society, regardless of who the predators and abusers may be.

[Vesta · Rating 1 out of 5]

Incredibly harmful and deplorable rhetoric. One could ask a group of people, "Has a [man, woman, trans person, disabled person, BIPOC] ever hurt you?" they you would get a thousand stories. This book was written purely to villainize the trans community.

I would not recommend this book to anyone. It's not worth reading even just to see what's inside.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really love this book, helps me reconcile with what happened to me and that I’m not alone. Each entry is very well written and touching, thank you to participants and the editor and publisher for creating this book

[Lilac · Rating 5 out of 5]

I almost never read everything in an anthology because they tend to be so uneven, so varied, including styles and perspectives I’m not interested in. I devoured every essay here, starved for women’s voices. Deep thanks to each and every one of you