Ten-Ager: What your daughter needs you to know about the transition from child to teen

by Madonna King

An important book that shows that 10 is the new start of a girl's teenage years. It raises the issues our girls might not be talking about publicly, and guides their parents on how experts believe we should deal with it.

At ten, we know how girls are pigeonholing themselves into what they think they should be. Whether they see themselves as academic or not, whether they are interested in boys, puberty is a reality, friendship fights are underway, and the influence of social media is impacting.

With heightened pressure from what they see in the media, in movies and on TV, our girls are leaving childhood behind well before they hit their teens. Not surprisingly, emotions can be heightened and relationships can be fraught. So many parents struggle to understand the pressures our girls are under and how to deal with their emotional volatility. Journalist and social commentator Madonna King has an extraordinary ability to connect with experts, schools and the girls themselves to deliver the answers parents need and the communication our girls want.

TEN-AGER is the perfect guide to help parents understand how their daughter is feeling, what they need to know, what to say, and when to stay silent and listen.,
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Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help

320 pages, Paperback

Published April 15, 2021

About the author

Madonna King is an award-winning journalist, commentator and author. She has spent 25 years working as a journalist in Brisbane, Sydney, the Canberra press gallery and the United States.

Ian Frazer: The man who saved a million lives is Madonna’s fourth book. Her previous titles include Catalyst, which looks at the media, politics and the law; One-Way Ticket (co-authored with Cindy Wockner), an investigation into the lives of the Bali 9; and A Generous Helping (co-authored with Alison Alexander), which drew on the community to create a best-selling recipe collection to raise money for victims of the 2011 Queensland floods.

Madonna also writes a weekly column for The Courier-Mail, sits on three not-for-profit boards, and travels Australia facilitating and moderating events.

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was a little disappointed in this book. The back promises a lot of "how to" but didn't deliver. It certainly made clear why all those "how to"s are important, but missed the detail of how to do anything about them. There are pages throughout the book that are just quotes from young girls and their mothers or fathers. So lots of highlighting the problems, but very few solutions. There was one specific section that spoke about using hypotheticals with your children to prepare them for situations so they know how to act. But the book literally said "say to your daughter 'what would you do if this happened?'". Why not specify an actual hypothetical rather than just saying "if this happened"???

The takeaways were less screen time, less buying them stuff, more spending time with them and listening. But none of that is rocket science.

One of the techniques for reducing screen time was to band together with a group of like-minded parents to enforce similar rules. Yep, so I should dump my friends who allow their kids free reign, find some new friends who enforce strict screen quotas and then get my kids to hang around with their kids so the same rules apply to everyone. Sounds practical.

It was interesting and easy to read but I wanted so much more! 2.5 stars rounded down.

[Erin Murray · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some great parts to this book - particularly around conversations to have with children but it is very much centred on the white cis hetero experience.

[Duncan · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a middle-class white cis-male with daughters going to private school, even I found this book to be quite exclusionary, so god knows what audience sees themselves fully in the stories and anecdotes it contains.

Experts all the headmistress/master of St So-and-sos exclusive inner capital city school. Kids being given iPhones at 8. Yoiks.

To be fair, the author has the integrity to realise this, and she even states it outright occasionally. But to be honest, unless you’re a member of a pretty exclusive club of high income Anglo inner city parents with kids in expensive schools, you gotta ask yourself how relevant the problems the girls in this book are to your own kids.

I did get value from the discussion about social media, strengthening my determination to put this issue off for as long as possible. So there’s that.

[Felicity Harber · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm only 8 pages in and already extremely disappointed - I think Madonna really missed a good opportunity to release a book about all ten-agers not just the girls! Everything I have read so far could easily be referring to the ten-ager males too!
Maybe I'm biased being a boy mumma but those first 8 pages talk about the child's wish to own an iphone, be accepted by kids in their cohort which raises their insecurities about themselves due to teasing and what's deemed popular in the playground! Do 10 year boys not wish and hope for the same things???

[M B · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’d sum up this book with “our girls want us to pay attention - not pay for things” (pg. 88). Our daughters want and need to be listened to. It was reassuring to read this book so I know that I’m on the right track.

[Lana Hall · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full of anecdotes and quotes, which is good if you're seeking reassurance and to understand the range of normal. I didn't feel like I learnt much from reading this book, but maybe I just have more background knowledge than I thought before I started reading! Some good tips on the prevalence of online coercion of girls and the importance of introducing discussion around adolescent topics earlier than you think.

[Pip Snort · Rating 2 out of 5]

I expected this book to be a little more rounded and a little less privileged and to be a little bit more developed. It was written about and to wealthy parents who are permissive and not terribly thoughtful with their parenting. It also didn't address discipline strategies, or give helpful practical advice about how to put in place the boundaries they recommend. All in all it was a bit weak.

[Sharyn Haag · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible reference guide to raising a daughter in the current age.
Gives you reassurance that you're on the right path.
Very well written and a definite "should read" for any parent with a 9 - 12 year old.
Do yourself a favour, I highly recommend this one 👍👍👍👍👍

[Kate Cotter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whilst the writing in this book is a little all over the shop, there are nuggets of wisdom and advice contained that are very valuable. I enjoyed the insights and considering them against my own experiences as a parent.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good points and reminders but for me anyway, not a lot of new ideas. I didn't find the quotes from kids and mums all that useful. It is good to remember that our kids are growing up very differently from when we did though and that outside influences are much worse.

[MLB · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, lots of insight and interesting points made but very low on the ‘what-to-do-about-it’ type of advice/tips. I finished this book just feeling genuinely fearful and anxious about what’s to come. Not a fun feeling.

[Leanne Shelton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good insights, but read very much like a thesis. (Which it probably was...)
No massively ground breaking stuff, however it seems I'm on the right track with Miss 10 and everything she's been sharing with me is normal!

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure it told me much that I didn’t know already but it was interesting

[Lauri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very insightful.

[Bron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Argh. Some tough stuff to read but some really invaluable perspectives and information too.

[Elisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of valuable insight for parenting preteen girls. Interesting stuff, particularly around phones and COVID. Small sample sizes for the data, but relevant none the less.

[Bec · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was fine. Good stuff here. Interesting. Appreciated the current and Australian context…. But it focused very heftily on tech (sure it’s relevant but there’s more to life than this even if it is so dominant) and very privilege class weighted- to its credit it acknowledges this but I also think it pushed these levels even for a basic public school middle class reader. This book will date terribly and this is why I’m less inclined to throw my weight behind its advice… but then maybe it’s just a book of observation and not so much advice. But really when we reach for a parenting book we want more practical advice… that’s really why we read.

I think what this book says could’ve been said in much less.