I did not enjoy reading this book. The story has good bones; it’s the execution and ridiculous number of repetitive errors that bring it down. Mia is a “good girl” who fell in love with an MC member and his daughter, who ultimately betrayed her love (yes, both father and daughter did this) when she was sent to prison for five years for something she did not do. She’s out of prison now and on the run from the MC that sent her there. The book is about Mia getting on with her life, something she cannot do on her own.
You need a scorecard to keep up with the parade of characters in this book. Apparently, this is a prequel for a series about the Raging Barons MC, so the brothers are trotted out for introductions. I’m unimpressed. They curse a lot, but they do not behave or talk like bikers. Swearing does not a biker make!
All these characters sound the same, no matter who is speaking. A 12-year-old girl sounds just like the former Green Beret who sounds just like Axel of the Raging Barons MC who sounds just like Crack of the Rogue Legions MC who sounds just like the cook and waitress at the diner they all frequent…and so on. Here, the 12-year-old is speaking, “No one is about now, so I quietly go to the kitchen door and listen as I don’t want to meet anyone.” That is not the way a 12-year-old American girl talks. I think this might be more believable: “No one’s around. I’m being quiet, listening at the kitchen door. I don’t want anyone to find me.” A 12-year-old would worry about being found out.
I tried but could not care for Mia; she started out strong, then became indecisive, weak, ineffective, like a frightened rabbit ready to bolt at the first hint of something coming her way. And bolt she does, to absolutely no avail. Gunner is her old love who is a nasty bit of goods, and who never seems to get what is going on around him. Zara is the 12-year-old who could have, but did not say anything to exonerate Mia of the crime she was sent to prison for; she talks and acts like an adult. Cara, the birthmother of Zara and Gunner’s initial Old Lady, is another nasty waste of breath. Actually, she and Gunner deserve each other; neither has a redeeming quality between them. There are so many players, it would take pages to list them. There is only one character in this entire book who stands out as truly good: that’s Target, the former Green Beret, who appears to be the only character with a moral compass worth following.
Unlikely things happen everywhere in the book. For example, when a halfway house representative is asked for information about Miriam, she freely gives it up to Zara, the 12-year-old, and Target, the former Green Beret. Zara tells the woman that Miriam is her friend and wants to apologize for not speaking up. The halfway house representative says: “Okay, she got a job at a diner just outside town. Here’s the address. Do you need help?” Ah…no. That would not – and should not – ever happen. We readers know Zara and Target aren’t going to hurt Miriam, but the representative does not. She could have put Miriam’s life in danger. There are policies in place to prevent the outflow of information about previous residents and the representative seems to forget this.
The book is written in first person POV using present tense most of the time. This is a difficult literary style to sustain, and the writer does not stick with it, but flops in and out of many different tenses without any warning for the unfortunate reader. For example:
“I have my earbuds in and listening to some rock music, I’m not up to date with the newer groups, but I’ll enjoy listening to them and working out which ones I like the best.” I believe the writer is trying to use the word, “listening,” as a present participle. But it cannot stand alone. “I listening” makes no sense, and yet that is how the writer has written it. Most verbs are in present tense, but the sentence is awkward and forces the reader to stop and evaluate what the writer is saying. The sentence would be better structured like this: “I have my earbuds in and I’m listening to some rock music. I’m not up to date on the new groups, and I’m trying to figure out which ones I like.” Or some such. An editor ought to have caught this and helped the writer work through it.
The following exchange uses a verb form inappropriately:
I check what my notes say, “Miriam Williams.”
“Miss Williams was released a few weeks ago,” he states. They have hung up as it goes dead.
Okay now I know where Miriam has gone.
This is a jumble. The writer uses present perfect tense signifying an action (hanging up) that occurred in the past BUT present perfect tense should be used only when an action continues. The action of hanging up is not continuous; it is a one-time act. Since the writer chose to write in the present, this exchange should be kept in the present tense. Something like this, perhaps:
I check what my notes say and tell him, “Miriam Williams.”
“Miss Williams was released a few weeks ago,” he states. He hangs up and the line goes dead.
Okay, now I know where Miriam went.
In this case, the present perfect “Miriam has gone” could be used because most likely this continues into the present (she is still gone).
“Once Suzie has left, I walk into the bedroom….” The use of present perfect tense is incorrect; the sentence should read, “Once Suzie leaves, I walk into the bedroom….” Suzie leaves; it’s a one-time action.
Here’s another passage that incorporates too many changes in verb form:
“I tell her about coming out of prison, leaving the diner to get away, and that I didn’t do anything but protect the child, and she believed me, only the third person to hear my story and believe me. It made me feel good.”
When discussing what happened earlier, past tense is appropriate, otherwise the writer needs to stay firmly in the present; like this:
“I tell her about coming out of prison, leaving the diner to get away. I tell her that I only protected the child, and she believes me. She is only the third person to hear my story and believe me. It makes me feel good.” [This passage could be better worded, IMHO.]
Here again is a flitting between tenses, in this case, present and past:
“I’ve heard back from a friend who owed me one,” said with a half-grin, “He talked to a guard he knows and got some information.”
In his office, he closes the door, and I take a seat.
This exchange should stay in the present, like this:
“I’ve heard back from a friend who owed me one,” he says with a half grin. “He talked to a guard he knows and got some information.”
In his office he closes the door, and I take a seat.
And, again, tenses inappropriately change between present and past:
“I know I’ve got to speak to the lady, but I’m going to eat first in case she chucks us out.
The pizza was amazing. It had pepperoni, mushrooms, sweet peppers, and three different kinds of cheese, all stringy when you bite into it.
Once we’ve finished our meal, I walk over to the register and pay the lady. Target steps up behind me.”
The writer takes us into the past, talking about how the pizza WAS amazing. However, the narrator is still eating the pizza. We know this because of the last sentence that begins, “Once we’ve finished,” indicating that they hadn’t finished previously.
The writer chose to write in the present tense and needs to remain there. This passage should read:
“I know I’ve got to speak to the lady, but I’m going to eat first in case she chucks us out.
The pizza is amazing. It has pepperoni, mushrooms, sweet peppers, and three different kinds of cheese, all stringy when you bite into it.
Once we finish our meal, I walk over to the register and pay the lady. Target steps behind me.”
Another example of tense-switching: “I knew where she’s hiding the cell she uses when she talks to this man. I think they may want to steal from the club.” If the speaker is talking about something that happened in the past, then use of past tense is appropriate. But then the writer must keep the narrator in the past while explaining the action. For example, “I knew where she hid the cell she used when she talked to this man. I thought they might want to steal from the club. I still do.” This shows that at the present time, she’s talking about something that happened in the past, a one-time occurrence, so simple past tense works. She ends it with “I still do,” which brings us naturally back to the present. Just a thought…an editor will have better ideas.
There are many more mistakes than the ones I’ve just shared. It is annoying as all get-out to try to read around all the errors regarding tense.
There are myriad punctuation errors that run a reader ragged. Commas and periods are apparently optional and appear – and disappear – in higgledy-piggledy fashion. Here are a few of these errors:
“I must have been on my ten-minute break” The sentence has ended, but without a period to help us realize that fact.
“…and my heart is jumping nearly out of my chest” Another missing period which should follow the end of the sentence.
“…I think there’ll always be one.” I state. The period that ends the comment should be a comma since “I state” is used to qualify that the narrator is speaking. It should read, “…I think there’ll always be one,” I state.
“I don’t ignore it when I get twitchy.” he says…. Again, a period is used instead of a comma to tag the qualifier onto the statement.
“…she’ll be in the fu**in’ shed.” after slamming my hands on the table, I walk out…. A period has ended a sentence in a conversation. The next sentence should be capitalized.
“Oh, no, not today.” and before I can say anything else….” Again, a period ends one sentence, and the beginning word of the following sentence isn’t capitalized. [insert “ARGHH! here]
“’…clubhouse and the business.’ leaning on the door frame….” Again, one sentence ends with a period and the next sentence should begin with a capitalized word.
N.B.: There are SO MANY errors where a sentence ends and the next one does not start with a capitalized word that there's no need to keep listing them.
“I…turn to my VP, Drag and tell him to find out….” A missing comma causes the reader to wonder if Drag is capitalized incorrectly and someone is being dragged around…maybe…? However, I believe Drag is the name of the MC’s VP so the sentence should read, “I…turn to my VP, Drag, and tell him to find out….” But there are so many errors in this book, that maybe Drag is capitalized in error.
“Yeah, that will do doll….” How does one do doll? One doesn’t: it’s a missing comma. The speaker is talking to someone he is calling “doll.” It should be, “Yeah, that will do, doll….”
And another missing comma: “…sending the image to our tech man PC.” Either “tech man” is a type of PC (and should probably be capitalized) or PC is the name of the MC’s technical guru. The sentence makes more sense like this: “…sending the image to our tech man, PC.”
“Buzz nods finishes his drink, and walks away.” Unless the verb is “nod finish” (nope), then a comma is needed here: “Buzz nods, finishes his drink, and walks away.” If the writer is being parsimonious with her commas and wishes to use just one, she can omit the Oxford comma before “…and walks away.”
“Where’s Zara Gunner?” This sounds as if the speaker is asking for the whereabouts of Zara Gunner. Nope. Gunner is the person being addressed and a comma is needed to indicate this. The sentence should read, “Where’s Zara, Gunner?”
“You can put your blade away Miriam….” A comma is needed to indicate that the speaker is talking to Miriam: “You can put your blade away, Miriam.”
“Bikers Zara?” This is Target speaking to Zara, so a comma is needed to indicate this: “Bikers, Zara?”
“Come in,” I enter the office and see Sharp behind his desk….” Here, a comma is used instead of a period, so it appears that the narrator has said to “come in.” That’s not the case. To keep the speakers clear, a qualifier should be used. Or the next sentence should begin a new paragraph. Like this, maybe: “Come in,” Sharp says. I enter his office and see him behind the desk….”
“I’m sorry, Miriam, who?” A superfluous comma makes this seem as if the speaker is talking to Miriam. He isn’t. He’s asking for Miriam’s last name, so the sentence should be, “I’m sorry, Miriam who?”
“I don’t want to spend my life looking over my shoulder, but what choice do I have.” This is a question the narrator is asking, and it needs a question mark, as in, “…but what choice do I have?”
Be it in the UK or in the US, grammar rules should be followed unless there is a reason for breaking them, as in the dialect used by rough characters. No such judicial use here, they appear willy-nilly all through the book.
Brand names are capitalized. The narrator says, “I make a hot chocolate and pick up my kindle….” Kindle is a brand name, so more properly it should read, “…and pick up my Kindle….”
Capitalization is oddly enforced. For example: “Keep your hands off, Knuckle, or you’ll answer to me.” the President has stood…. OK. A period ends one sentence and the next begins without a capital letter. Also, “president” does not need to be capitalized in this case.
“Tapping my VPs boot….” Unless the narrator is wearing a specific VPs brand of boot, the VP is his club’s vice president, and it is the VP’s boot that is being tapped. A possessive “s” is needed: “Tapping my VP’s boot….”
“…she was going to her grandmothers.” This sounds as if someone is going to see her grandmothers (plural), but in context, she is going to her grandmother’s place. A possessive “s” is needed here: “…she was going to her grandmother’s.”
Oddly worded sentences often pause the reader. For example:
“I start to feel the tension in my shoulder leave.” I think both her shoulders were tense since she is in deep fear, so it should read, “I start to feel the tension in my shoulders leave,” although that sentence could be better worded (IMHO).
“I know what it’s like to sleep with one eye open, it’s no fun, but we do what we have to do to stay alive.” This is a run-on sentence that needs some help. Perhaps, something like this: “I know what it’s like to sleep with one eye open. It’s no fun, but we do what we have to do to stay alive.” Such a simple change makes the words easier to scan. The commas, used instead of creating another sentence, make the words appear to be part of a list. It slows the reader down and pauses interest in the story.
“Not knowing which way we should go now, where is she and who is with her?” This is an awkward sentence. I’m not sure how to straighten it out, but an editor working with the writer could fix it. Maybe something like, “We don’t know which way we should go now. Where is she, and who is with her?”
Sometimes the expository is just confusing. For instance, Gunner and Crack from the Rogue Legions MC have been together in a store and decide to go to a diner to eat. It’s just the two of them, yet the writer has Crack thinking, “…plenty of people are with us wearing our kuttes.” Nobody else is with them; it’s been just the two of them in the store and now the diner.
There are some British expressions that make it into this book. The writer tells her readers that there are American alpha and beta readers that catch these oversights, but that’s not entirely true. Here’s one example: “…[ask] if they need a coffee top-up.” In the U.S., we call that “topping off,” not “topping up” and it’s better used as a verb than as a noun, at least in the U.S. This phrase rings true: “Can I top off your coffee?” The expressions the writer uses are sometimes funny, but the wording throughout the book is far removed from the way Americans speak.
There are loose threads at the end of the book. Some are small, as in what happened to Mia’s things after she went to prison? This seems to matter to her, but there is no follow up. Mia worried about it, and readers are left wondering the same thing. And what happens to poor Zara who must now go back to her deadbeat father who has been emotionally abusive, ignoring her very existence? Crack was the only MC member who was interested in Mia’s cause; he got the MC president to investigate, but then Crack just disappeared into the cracks. And I truly never got the joining together of Mia with Axel; there was interest on his part, but he was really just another man that she took up with. I wanted an HEA with Mia, Target, and Zara. Now, that would have been a fine story!
I rated this book 1.5 stars and rounded down because the book is not written well. A few errors are to be expected these days. But holy cow! The errors in this book are disruptive; they distract readers from the story. What a shame to have the bones of a good story, then have it fall flat because of the egregious errors. I could not believe that the mistakes would continue to pile up, but they did. They sure did. And I won’t be fooled again. No more books by Ms. Daelman for me.