Невидимые шрамы. Как распознать психологическое насилие и выйти из разрушающих отношений

by Shannon Thomas, Шеннон Томас, Анастасия Бродоцкая (Translator)

Психологическое насилие не оставляет синяков. Но невидимые раны могут навсегда остаться в душе жертвы. Понять, что вы оказались в нездоровых отношениях, и защититься от их разрушительных последствий бывает непросто.

Шеннон Томас — автор международных бестселлеров, эксперт в работе с жертвами психологического насилия — расскажет о признаках, механизмах и уловках психологического абьюза, а также познакомит с шестью этапами восстановления после токсичных отношений. Представленная в книге программа одобрена профессиональным сообществом и уже используется тысячами людей в 11 странах мира!

Эта книга — поддержка чуткого профессионала для всех жертв психологического абьюза — поможет восстановить эмоциональное, физическое, финансовое благополучие и вернуть уверенность в свою жизнь.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Abuse, Relationships, Audiobook

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2016

Reviews

[david · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who has been tainted, sullied, or devastated by one or more false relationships. The discussion is for the recipients of subtle abuses, the people who have been intentionally hurt, damaged, or mentally molested by a noxious force, without any traces of visible harm. It is a conversation that you have wanted to express to someone, anyone, but were stifled by inaccurate descriptors and a lack of infrequently used words to convey your melancholy. Additionally, this abuse is difficult to understand for people who have not suffered from it. We read many books because we cannot readily find someone to discuss certain topics with. We read this, because some of us are arbitrarily selected to spend too much time in unrecognizable and unrelatable pain. Many of us need to uncover and recover and challenge ourselves to persevere. It is what we are, and personal peace, even in small doses, is better than constant inner tumult.

[Joy Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a retired therapist for people in or getting out of abusive relationships, I have nothing but praise for this book. Shannon is tremendously insightful, and her compassion for those recovering from abuse shines through. Having years of education in this field, and personal experience with narcissistic and sociopathic people, I can say with confidence that readers will find healing in this book. Shannon is helping set captives free, one page at a time!

[Bob Hamp]

This is a rare book for several reasons.
First, and oh so important, is that the subject matter is so seldom recognized, much less, laid out with such clarity and compassion. It is called "Hidden Abuse" for a reason. The collective cry of the reviewers on the launch team tells the story of what it feels like when hidden abuse comes to the light. When you suffer this kind of abuse, nothing heals more than validation.
Second, the clarity and directness of Shannon's writing is crucial in the healing journey. When you have lived in the "gaslight" words become vague, and truth seems to waver. Shannon is so certain in her language, it provides the necessary absolute-ness to the survivor or friend of survivor.
Third, it gives hope to those who have lived a particular kind of hopelessness. Like a disease undiagnosed, psychological abuse is more than painful, it is corrosive to hope. Shannon's clarity and the pathway to healing stand in the face of that corrosive effect and lights a path back to health and strength.
I am grateful both as a counselor and a survivor of "hidden abuse" for the gift that Shannon Thomas has given us all in this project. If you have suffered psychological abuse, you believe it is your fault. Shannon makes it clear: It.Is.Not.
If you have a friend who keeps insisting that you do not understand, read this book. You will understand, and you will see why they keep insisting.
FInally this book is important to helpers and leaders. If you are a counselor, a church leader or a leader in any human organization read this book, otherwise, this type of abuse may be happening right in front of you and if you do not understand these dynamics you can actually end up doing harm, believing you are helping.

[Charlotte Kersten]

There are some extremely broad and ubsubstantiated claims about personality disorders in this book. I fundamentally disagree that every abuser has a personality disorder and I think there isn't sufficient research to say that personality disorders are caused by environmental influences alone, ignoring genetic and other biological contributions.

There is one bizarre section that I had to re-read several times, where she states that sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists are people who experienced insecure attachments in childhood and decided to respond to that by becoming controlling, ruthless and selfish. It's one thing to say that some people choose to be bad people- sure, I can roll with that- but it's another thing entirely to state that a clinical personality disorder is essentially just boiled down to someone's decision to be a bad person.

The rest of the book that's actually focused on recovery from abuse is helpful and interesting but I just can't get past how much bad psychology there was in the first section.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Psychological abuse is much more prevelant than people realize. Finally a book that uses layman terms to describe what it is, the methods abusers use, and how to recognize it. I can't really say enough good about this book. It is easy to read, but packed full of information. I appreciate that Shannon didn't use a lot of clinical examples, but leaves it to the reader to journal out how it has played out in an individual life. Mine was highlighted with notes everywhere. She points out how this kind of abuse happens everywhere-work, school, family, friends, church. She has resources at the end including a journal section for the reader to use as well. This book will be on my bookshelf and passed on to many people as a helpful tool to understand the dangers and trauma associated with this type of abuse.

[Rachel Deboer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I struggled to choose a rating for this book because I have very mixed feelings. I think the content of the book is extremely helpful. Anyone who has experienced psychological abuse can benefit from the information found in this book. However, my only complaint about the book is significant, hence the two star review. The author speaks of the “abuser” in such a way that is dehumanizing. She paints a picture that abusers are bad people, have no remorse, and are incapable of change. Her lack of empathy for their stories and experiences was shocking to me. She does not seem interested in holding the complexity that all humans have within them the capacity to be both the abuser and abused under different circumstances. We are all capable of good and bad. There are not good people and bad people in the world. We are all both. Abusers have developed patterns of abuse toward others as a means to get what they need. This is not simply driven by their innate joy in harming others. One must ask, why do they find pleasure in harming others? We need therapists who are curious and empathetic toward abusers. The author seems only interested in treating victims of psychological abuse, but abusers need treatment just as much. I believe that they want a life of connection and healthy relationships, but are caught in patterns they learned as children in order to get their needs met. They are driven by fear and insecurity, not an insatiable desire to harm others. If we do not have empathy for the abuser, it will be impossible to help them in therapy or in daily life encounters.

[Karen Hamp · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a powerful reference book for all professional counselors/therapists, consultants and others who help people with their lives and relationships. This information explores the subtle dynamics of relationships where the victim may look like the "bad guy"(or gal), and the perpetrator may pose as the victim. It is pertinent to work, church, family and romantic settings. The information is often unrecognized by even professionals.

It is equally pertinent to any person who is or has been in a relationship which felt confusing, impossible to continue, or abusive. Abuse is a wide term, and often has no physical component. Hidden abuse,as defined by Thomas, destroys or damages the emotional, psychological, and spiritual lives of its victims, shredding the joy and safety of their work,marriage, family, or church. Situations supposed to be safe and supportive may instead be destructive. If any of this sounds familiar, read this book. All ages are involved, from young children to elders.

Hidden subtle abuse by those who act in ways that destroy others is not uncommon, but is so subtle as to be invisible to the outside world. Often the victim looks to others like the one to blame, and the perpetrator looks like a victim. In this book, Shannon Thomas has nailed uncovering , living in, discovering, leaving,recovering, and healing from these relationships.

Many reading this will find themselves unexpectedly in its descriptions and pages. Those who already know they are or have been a victim will enlarge their understanding and find ways to talk to others about it, and new ways and resources to heal. There is a valuable resource section at the end. There are suggestions and opportunities to work with small groups on the healing process.

Shannon has dug deep, and cast a wide and tall net to gather diverse information applicable to differing people and circumstances. She is a powerful writer who touches her readers with their own value and ability to heal themselves and others. She writes with both authority, and great heart.

[Anna LeBaron · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will tell you from the outset that "Healing From Hidden Abuse" is a much-needed book.

Shannon Thomas speaks from her professional experience as a counselor about the effects of what she calls "hidden abuse," meaning abuse that does not leave markings or scars on the body of the victims (those she refers to as survivors) but on the soul.

Thomas refers to the abusers as "toxic" people because they are poisonous. She uses common language to carefully explain the types of abuse that many people encounter: psychological, emotional, mental, spiritual. She also differentiates between common relational issues between people and toxic behavior which evidences itself in observable patterns.

The author then goes on to spell out the patterns of behavior that give clues to help the reader see the bigger picture. Then, the way out of an abusive relationship, along with the steps to take in recovery are laid out clearly and simply.

The journal prompts at the end will be very helpful to anyone who finds themselves in this situation.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who suspects they, or a loved one, may be in a relationship and suspects hidden abuse.

I received an Advance Reader Copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Luiz Fabricio Calland Cerqueira · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book but I was abused by its lack of science. I do want some literature and powerful arguments to improve my patients lives, but when they lack facts and data to support them, they crumble like card castles.

It's interesting because in the introductory chapters, she presents her study in the abused psychology and I was very excited. I felt it would add much information to my clinical practice.

However, in the following chapters, the author barely mentions this study anymore. She engages in an everlasting rant fueled by a Cognitive Distortion named Mind Reading. Unless her study was made with the Abusers and asked what they were thinking and why they did what they did, her affirmations (which were the most of the book) weren't better than guesses, divination or clairvoyance. She describes in detail what happens in the mind of the abusers. It feels like "whatever it takes" to vilanize the abuser. What bothers me most is that it could be a great book if the author attained to what abusers did and less about the reason she believes they do what they do. Their actions are bad enough without some fantasy background behind them.

There are some good ideas and concepts in the book, but it's hard to filter it from the preaching.

I'm disappointed because I believed it would be empowering for the survivors I know, but this book feels much like the smudge campaign the author describes.

[Amy Hannaford · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a survivor of a 20 year psychologically abusive marriage I would highly recommend Healing from Hidden Abuse. After years of reading books on mental and emotional abuse, or what Shannon calls psychological abuse, this is the first book to not only break down the what, who, and why of this type of abuse, but give clear direction on how to work through the healing process. Once you have an understanding of what constitutes psychological abuse, who this type of abuser is, and why it happens, Shannon outlines six stages of recovery necessary for the survivor to work through in order to fully heal from psychological abuse and move on to living an abundant life.

I like the no nonsense approach to Shannon's writing, clear descriptions, and her boldness in telling it like it is. This is a book I will be recommending over and over, and using myself to finally find true healing and recovery after living for years with psychological abuse.

[Frrobins · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm a counselor who specializes in trauma. There were some good things in this book about healing from psychological abuse, but ultimately the elements that weighed it down sunk it.

The strengths of this book were that it defined a type of abuse that is abstract but harmful and put terms to patterns of behavior that cause harm. I also appreciate how the author points out that women are just as capable and culpable of this type of abuse as men and the focus on how this does not just occur in the context of romantic relationships, but can and does occur in families, in the workplace, in churches and between platonic friends. So much of what is written about psychological abuse describes how it occurs in romantic relationships despite the fact that it occurs in many forms of relationships, so I appreciated the broad focus. As a counselor, I also appreciated that she let people know that not every counselor and client will connect and click, and that good counselors realize this and will not take offense if you decide to work with someone else (bad counselors might, but you should take that as a sign that you made the right decision to switch), and this is something that I feel is important for people to realize when finding a counselor.

As for the weaknesses, to Ms Thomas simply is not a good writer. While I understand that this is for a lay audience, this book read like a layperson's blog post or an answer written on Quora. She would also try to hard to be friendly and casual, and in a book about such a serious topic it came off as strange. It did not feel professional and she would often go off on tangents where she would vent about an issue or make jabs at people who have come to different conclusions than she has or counselors with a different way of approaching clients (and undermined her earlier good stuff about finding a counselor who is the right fit for you). Note, I felt this even on topics I agreed with her on.

Indeed, it included a lot of pop psychology fads that counselors can fall into. From empaths to broad claims about people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Ms. Thomas made assertions that may have some truth to them but have not been rigorously tested. Which leads me to further my convictions that graduate programs in counseling and social work need to include classes in how to evaluate claims. While this was not a research book, despite the opening chapter where Ms. Thomas talks about a survey she did, I felt some of the tangents she went off on were not productive at best, harmful at worst. In all, it was heavily anecdotal.

At one point Ms. Thomas made statements that victims were empaths. While many could potentially be high in the the trait of empathy, she did not present any rigorous studies that show this to be true, and while this is a common assertion on Quora that helps survivors to feel good, survivors have a lot of different personality traits and vulnerabilities. From what I've seen the bigger factor is growing up in a home where such behaviors are common and perceived as normal, though psychological abuse is so insidious that not even this is a blanket statement that can be applied to every survivor. That statement was at the benign end though.

What bothered me more was how Ms. Thomas focused on people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, psychopaths and sociopaths as the sole perpetrators of this type of abuse. First, there is a lot of confusion among laypeople about people with NPD and APD and the terms psychopath and sociopath are also poorly understood, and Ms. Thomas never defines them well. Basically, the way Ms. Thomas defines narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths you would come to the conclusion that they are defined by the type of abuse they inflict, when they aren't. People with NPD and APD are diagnosed by having a lack of empathy combined with grandiosity, disregard for moral standards or some other trait(s). And yes, they often they do engage in abusive behaviors, but you won't find the Lovebomb-Devalue-Discard cycle in the DSM-5. Second, people who do not meet the criteria for these personalities disorders can engage in this type of abuse. Essentially, not every person who uses gaslighting is a narcissist, but all narcissists use gaslighting. It felt reckless to lump all abusive people as narcissistic or as psychopaths.

And while Ms. Thomas paid lip service to the idea that she can't diagnose someone based on second hand information, she spent a lot of time forcefully arguing (venting really) that narcissists are deliberate in their abuse. While this is very likely true, it's not helpful. It keeps the focus on the abuser when healing needs to be about the survivor. In my experience is it better to focus on whether the behaviors are acceptable, whether or not there is change when confronted, etc, then on the motivations of a person who is not present. While some clients do get stuck on their abuser's motivations, this is more reason to explore how it would help that person to move forward if they knew their abuser's motivations. And while I am sure many abusers are deliberate in their abuse, I am also sure there are plenty that are not. That ignorance does not make their behavior less harmful, though, and that is where the focus needs to be.

Where the book really failed is on how to leave an abusive partner. While many people who engage in psychological abuse are not physically violent, some will become so should their partner leave, and there was no discussion on how to do this safely. There was also no discussion on how to cope with forcefully co-parenting with an ex-abusive partner, particularly one who is using these techniques to turn a child against their parent (parental alienation). Unfortunately sharing a child with an abuser is a connection that keeps people tied to someone who is toxic and this was not addressed at all. Setting boundaries is a complex topic, and a lot of the nuance was stripped of it, as it was from other topics.

Given that Ms. Thomas did address psychological abuse in forms outside of romantic relationships, there was so much that she could have explored, but really this never materialized because so much of the nuance and complexity of these situations was stripped away. Which was an overall fault of the book, taking a very complex topic and simplifying it to the point of absurdity. And given how much there was to explore, this book was rather short. There was so much about healing from psychological abuse that was left untouched that needed to be touched on.

While there is good information on what psychological abuse looks like, and this form of abuse is so poorly known and understood in the broader community anything that changes that helps, the faults of this book are too great for me to recommend it to my clients and in that measure I regret spending my time with it. Would not recommend.

[Cherilyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the last three years since I learned about narcissism, I’ve read at least a dozen books about abuse and I can tell you this is one of the best. Healing from Hidden Abuse especially hits the mark for ACoNs and those who have dealt with the hidden abuse of narcissism. Just to be clear I received an advance reader copy of the book in exchange for my honest review.

The first part of the book is very validating. For many people who grew up with abuse, it was hard to recognize and name the abuse because what we lived through seemed normal to us at the time. I appreciate the way Thomas defines the difference between psychological abuse and emotional abuse. She describes how people can be emotionally abusive due to drug addictions, alcohol, etc. yet still have empathy for other people, whereas psychological abusers abuse others because they get some sort of thrill out of it.

Regardless of why such abuse happens, one of the most puzzling things for a survivor is the secrecy and clandestine nature of the abuse. When no one else sees what we’ve gone through, or the abusers question us like we are the abuser, it sometimes makes us question ourselves. If this is happening to you, you this book will help you realize this is a form of gaslighting.

One of the most healing things I discovered in this book is that our good points—resilience, empathy, and compassion actually make us targets of psychological abusers who are looking for people like us so they can milk us dry. I have often thought it was a flaw of mine that caused the abuse, but reading this book, I discovered it was not my flaws, but my strengths that allowed me to be targeted by the abuser. If you, like me, are the type of person who always makes lemonade out of lemons, this is truly a book for you. There is nothing wrong with making lemonade–but we need to learn who is safe to share it with.

This book was easy to read, yet it packs a lot of information. I found myself marking the book and going back to re-read pages again. Sometimes I wondered if I would end up marking the entire book. It’s not only a validating resource, but it is also a reference to look back on as issues or situations flare up again.

The first section examines patterns of psychological abuse. This book grew out of an outline survey as a research project. If demographics are not your thing, just skip that chapter because it basically just affirms why the rest of the book is necessary and why Thomas’s six stages of healing actually work.

Thomas explains many terms we use in recovery community such as flying monkeys, hoovering, smear campaigns, love bombing, etc. I have written blogs on many of these topics before, but I found Thomas’s in descriptions informative and fascinating. I learned a few things here and I am sure you will too.

My favorite part of the book was the recovery part. Thomas reminds us that the word survivor means to carry on despite hardships and outlast and persevere. I like the way she points out the goal of surviving is to remain functional. And that’s what she is teaching through the rest of the book.

This book is packed full of practical suggestion to help you overcome the emotional pain in your life. One of my favorite tips for those who are struggling with no contact is to put a photo collage of all the good things in your life on your phone. This is a reminder of what is going well in your life and why you need to protect your heath and the relationships that matter to you and not waste your time arguing and being emotionally attacked by your abuser.

This book describes in detail six steps of healing from psychological abuse. These are solid and easy steps to overcome the evil which has been done to us. And it includes understanding how we have often contributed to our own abuse. Yes, we are responsible for the ways we have allowed other people to treat us, but this is not a shame walk, it’s a freedom walk. It’s a place to learn how to avoid landmines in the future.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Psychological Abuse doesn't leave bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the wall. The bruises, brokenness, and holes are held tightly within the survivor." ~Shannon Thomas

This book does an excellent job of walking a survivor through the stages of recovery and healing after such a relationship. Shannon's conversational tone creates a place of quiet understanding and validation that what you experienced is very real and her steady reassurance that you can heal. Her experience as both a licensed clinical therapist and a survivor gives her unique insight into a hidden world that so many have a hard time articulating. Her ability to understand that recovery is both not simple and not a "one size fits all" situation allows survivors to progress through the exploration of their recovery at their personal pace. I would highly recommend this to both survivors and family of survivors to gain greater insight and understanding of what your loved one has been through. (less)

I received an Advance Reader Copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Tammi Mossman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh My Word. I've followed Shannon Thomas on Facebook for some time and her regular posts are very helpful in my life. So I expected this book to be helpful -- but it is can't-put-down good. Now I have to read it a second time to take notes.

Shannon's style and explanations feel to me like she's sitting in the same room. She seems like a real person with genuine concern and a passion for sharing her years of experience helping victims of psychological abuse.

Shannon, thank you so much for writing this book. During release week, I'll be buying multiple copies for people I love who will benefit from it.

I was provided with an Advance Reader Copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Catherine Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healing from Hidden Abuse is a must have in every psychological abuse survivor’s tool box. Shannon Thomas gets to the heart of the matter and provides a logical, understandable, and effective blueprint for healing from a most insidious form of abuse. As you journey through the pages you will find truth, wisdom, validation, and a trusted friend. Shannon is genuine. Her heart’s passion to lead others to freedom from abusive relationships is captured in print. Reading this book is a life changing experience.

[Jenny ♡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 ☆’s - a solid guide to understanding emotional and psychological abuse. it explains patterns and recovery stages clearly. parts felt a little textbook like, but overall it’s both comforting and empowering for anyone trying to make sense of what happened and start healing.

[Alex Memus · Rating 3 out of 5]

Coming from an abusive family this was a tough read for me. Don't get me wrong, Shannon is very nice and supportive in her writing. But digging up all the shit that happened to me as a kid brought a lot of despair. And it's a tough situation to move forward. When I started this book, it also coincided with the final stretch of my relationship with a toxic ex (or at least, it seemed that way to me then) which made the things even harder. I'm still not sure if I was fair to my gf at the time or just transferring stuff from my childhood on her. It's still not clear even one year later after the breakup. And here comes my main criticism of the book. Shannon uses this lens of abuse to explain all unkind behaviour. So it's easy to believe in this lens. However, not all people have anti-social personality disorders (my father had one for sure, now I know). Most of them are just emotionally immature (there is another book about this which I totally recommend to read). So I'm still confused where people do bad stuff with an intention (like my father) vs just by being really hurt themselves (like my ex). It's still a useful book to explain instruments toxic people use. Recognising them helps me to keep my perspective and protect my boundaries. The most helpful part for me was about restoration. My father destroyed a lot of my belongings. And the process of getting replacements for them as an asult was quite healing.

So 3 stars for now. But I haven't done the journaling exercise yet, so maybe I'll review the rating later.

Recap (quotes)
I will be referring to people who have been the victims of psychological abuse as “survivors.”

You may have tried to explain to people the exact harm that has been done to you. I bet it often comes out sounding as if you are exceptionally needy, petty, or even paranoid.

Most people have no clue hidden abuse is taking place right under their noses. It is being perpetrated by individuals who would never be suspected of being abusers. The concealed nature of this harm is what leaves its targets devastated.

Toxic people
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (aka the narcissist) and Anti-Social Personality Disorder (aka the sociopath or psychopath).
*A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.
*A Sociopath will run you over, scold you for being in their way, and have a smirk because secretly they get entertainment out of the chaos they’ve created.
*A Psychopath will go to great lengths and take calculated steps to ensure they run you over, laugh while doing it, and back up to make sure the most damage is done.

Abusers like to target people who have something they do not or cannot possess themselves. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are notorious for picking targets that initially boost their egos.
It is a source of power and entertainment for a toxic person to destroy an originally healthy and happy person. This point is often missed by survivors because in the middle of the abuse, they see themselves as broken. Since the abuser says such hateful things, the survivor assumes they were targeted because they are “weak.” That is the exact opposite of the truth.

Frequently, the emotional homicide is happening while other people go on clamoring about what a great guy or gal the abuser is and how lucky the survivor is to be connected to the abuser. What is seen behind closed doors is radically different than the public persona she or he is selling to the world. Boy, is the world buying it, too. Some of the worst hidden abusers not only have good public images, but often it is stellar.

Recovery begins when survivors realize that the entire experience is manufactured by the psychological abuser. This tactic is done to keep the target off balance and addicted to the high moments.

Psychological abuse among peers can be widely missed under the guise that all friends challenge one another. We can get confused by whether a person is being honest or offensive. (My note: Jordan Peterson would disagree and describe such behaviour as character building.)

Other tactics by toxic people:
*Bonded relationships are not the goal in toxic families. Siblings often will be pitted against each other. This is done so toxic parents maintain control over the relationships within the family, even when the siblings are adults.
*Another carrot dangled is obligation. Some harmful families love to throw around all of their needs, and they have no regard for the survivor. The survivor is made to feel obligated to meet the demands (both spoken and unspoken) of the narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths on their family tree. Obligation is a powerful driver when we are raised in environments that teach us to ignore our safety and well-being.
* When a survivor tries to talk to a psychological abuser about their negative behaviors, a favorite maneuver of toxic people is to simply not reply. They say nothing. Complete silence.
* Toxic people like to accuse survivors of being selfish. This is often done when a survivor attempts something good for himself or herself.
* Rarely does a toxic person give an authentic apology. To do so would be too much evidence that they are just like everyone else and flawed. Their delusional, grandiose self-image must be protected. They fight to maintain the illusion that they are always correct.
* One of the main allegations that narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths make against survivors is that they accuse survivors of being disrespectful. Why is this complaint so common for toxic people? It is because their grossly over-inflated egos make them believe that even the most minor correction, or disagreement, with the toxic person’s opinion is a huge sign of disrespect.

Why do Psychological Abusers Harm Others? -> Personality disorders are created during childhood and adolescence through a lack of healthy attachments to their primary caregivers.

Stages of recovery

One: Despair


In therapy, we start to literally deprogram the conscious and subconscious lies the abusers have planted in the survivors.

Two: Education 


*Gaslighting (when the abusive person attempts to change the facts of conversations or events in order to discredit the victim’s trust in his/her own memory)
*Smear Campaign (when lies, gossip, and triangulation are used by the abusive person to turn other people, or groups of other people, against a victim)
*Flying Monkeys (the individuals who surround a perpetrator and do their “dirty work,” willingly or by accident).
*Narcissistic Offense
*Intermittent Reinforcement (“Love Bombing” is when a toxic person uses calculated positive attention in order to manipulate the victim’s emotions and expectations of attention in the relationship. / “Hoovering” is when the toxic person tries to get the victim to re-engage in the relationship by sucking the victim back into contact. The hoovering can either be positive attention from the toxic person or negative attention to engage the victim in an argument, etc.)
*Idealize, Devalue, and Discard Phases


The abuser sees it as a huge victory to turn an independent survivor into a needy, dependent person who can no longer make decisions without the abusive person’s help.

Three: Awakening 


Becoming fully aware of the dynamics of psychological abuse is not an easy truth to absorb.

Four: Boundaries 


This is the time when survivors choose to implement Detached Contact or No Contact.

When we decide that boundaries are needed, they can be hard to set – and maintain – if we doubt ourselves and our assessment of the situation. Survivors often wonder if they are overreacting or being too sensitive.

Psychological abusers use brainwashing techniques to embed certain ideas in their targets. Thoughts like:
*You’ll end up alone.
*Your family will always be there for you, but friends come and go.

Five: Restoration 


Some of the common areas that many survivors see as needing restoration include:
*Enjoyment of holidays, vacations, and other celebrations.
*Financial stability: paying off debts and increasing savings.
*Restoration of physical health: enjoying consistent energy levels, reduction in body pain, and other ailments.
*Restoration of emotional well-being: living free – or significantly reduced levels – of anxiety, worry, and depression.
*Replacement of material items destroyed or stolen during the abuse.

Six: Maintenance


At this stage in the process, some survivors are accused of being too rigid or guarded.

[Rhonda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Praise for shedding light on this insidious, complicated form of abuse! This book offers an abundance of information, education, and hope to those who are in such situations, feeling like they're the only one, or thinking they are 'crazy' for feeling the way they do. The text is rich, deep, yet easy to read and understand. A must for survivors, counselors, therapists, doctors, religious leadership and anyone else in a position of power or leadership. The personal journal at the back of the book is a priceless addition and a wonderful tool to help heal at a deeper level. Journey into healing from hidden abuse through this book and it's resources. Join a steady healing movement.

[Connie Hellmuth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was interested in this book because the subject of hidden emotional abuse is sometimes difficult to pinpoint and see. This book was very clear and helpful about what a toxic person looks like, and how to recover from the abuse these people inflict. This book is an important resource for anyone who has even been in a relationship with a toxic person, or for someone who wants to avoid such people! Survivors will find a guide to healing and recovery. I received an advance reader's copy in exchange for my honest and unbiased opinion.

[Tiff · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an occupational therapist, a mom, a wife and a friend I found this book to be very enlightening to the way an abusive relationship transpires. The book is well written and easy to follow. A page turner one that gives a lot of insight to the abuser and the survivor. This book is great for therapists and the general population to bring awareness to the hidden side of abuse verbal and/or physical. NO ONE should feel alone or trapped.

[Jennifer Southern · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book was like sitting down in a counselors office and having your doubts and worries explained to you in a way that is understandable. She makes you feel like you are not alone in your thoughts and that there is hope for the future. I would recommend this book for anyone who is healing from abuse or if you are a friend walking through the recovery with your friend. Definitely a book that needs to be on peoples bookshelves especially if you are a counselor.

[Noelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recognizing that someone who has played a big role is your life is toxic is a painful process. This book helps you to understand what happened and teaches you how to begin to move forward. It maintains a great balance of professionalism and relatability. It is very well written, very well organized, and both broad enough to cover many people's situations and specific enough with examples to provide clear insight. Highly recommend.

[Mitch · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not very helpful

This book very much played the "Blame Game" and was incredibly polarized in looking at "types of people"
There wasn't any nuanced about how confusing it can be to experience psychological abuse and really didn't offer much constructive advice.
I wouldn't recomend this one if you're looking for tools and methods for healing, or trying to understand a loved ones struggle with abuse/surviving

[Nicole Woodard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book is life-changing! Grateful for Shannon's courage in sharing her own healing and bringing this book forth. Its clarity and concise presentation of the information (and humor!) makes it readable and, therefore, so valuable for so many. Can't wait to buy multiple copies and share with those in my life who were abused by the same abuser!

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're even a little unsure of what constitutes psychological abuse, as I was, read this book. Written primarily to help survivors work through their abuse, with a helpful resource section. Thomas clearly outlines what psychological abuse is, how and why it occurs, and offers hope as she walks the reader through six stages of healing.

[SidandCheryl Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is FULL of helpful insight and wisdom about a type of abuse that not many people talk about or understand. Thank you Shannon, for putting into words what so many of us have endured! I cannot wait to give this book to other people I know who have walked this road.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've ever read. Very healing.

[Mía · Rating 5 out of 5]

Đây là cuốn hay nhất mình đọc trong thời gian gần đây.

Nói thật lòng thì, mình đã từng bị thao túng mà không nhận ra, trong thời gian rất dài. Giờ mình vẫn đang trong hành trình chữa lành và nó không hề đơn giản.

Trái với suy nghĩ của nhiều người, người dễ bị thao túng không phải người yếu đuối mà là người mạnh mẽ về tinh thần, có khả năng thấu hiểu người khác và chịu đựng tốt.

Mọi người nên đọc cuốn này để hiểu bản thân hơn và giúp đỡ ai đó quanh mình. Bởi vì, vấn đề của những mối quan hệ thao túng là nó rất dễ bị chúng ta xem nhẹ. Nếu kể ra các sự kiện, chúng thường bị cho là chuyện nhỏ không đáng để "làm quá lên". Bởi vậy, dù có tâm sự, người bị thao túng hiếm khi nhận được chia sẻ, dẫn tới việc họ ôm vấn đề một mình mà không ai hay biết.

Điều đáng sợ là mỗi chuyện nhỏ đó như một viên sỏi, người bị thao túng nhận về không phải một mà vô số những viên sỏi đó, chúng đeo bám theo họ về mặt tinh thần và vùi họ xuống. Tinh thần họ không ổn định ngay cả trong "quãng nghỉ" giữa những lần các viên sỏi đó xuất hiện.

Lâu ngày, họ sẽ thấy cuộc sống của mình không còn niềm vui và hi vọng.

Điều đáng sợ là bạn có thể đang sống cạnh một người luôn vui vẻ tươi tắn nhưng trong lòng họ chỉ nghĩ tới cái chết. Bạn không hiểu nên không giúp được họ.

Nếu có bất kì ai quanh bạn nói rằng họ chán đời, họ không muốn sống, họ thấy mất hết niềm vui... trong thời gian dài thì dù câu chuyện họ chia sẻ với bạn có vẻ nhỏ nhặt tới đâu, hãy cố gắng lắng nghe và đừng để họ một mình. Cuối cuốn sách này, tác giả có một lá thư dành cho bạn.

Hãy cẩn trọng, người thao túng họ có thể là một người bạn quý mến và tưởng chừng rất bình thường.

[Hajar Masrour · Rating 5 out of 5]

الألم الجسدي؛ التهابات المفاصل و اضطرابات الهضم، يكسر جدران الجهل بما حدث. تسارع دقات القلب والاختناق يوحيان أنك تعدو، تعدو وتعدو... للفرار. عميق هو الأسى حين ترى نفسك مرهوبا مما يدور بداخلك، تبذل كل طاقتك لتتحرك بعيدا عنك، لأن داخلك هيجان، احتراق مستمر. قد تمضي أسابيع، أشهر وحتى سنوات وأنت هارب. يقل وزنك تدريجيا، صار عقلك منهكا بالأفكار والأحكام التي لا تنتهي، وصرت عدوا لك. انقطعت ابتسامتك. لا يهمك من الزمن إلا أن يمر. تصمت كثيرا لأنك لا تستوعب ما يدور هنا وهناك، لماذا صرت أكثر هشاشة ومرض عضال لم يمسسك؟ لا أثر لجرح السكين في صدرك، لكن عميقا أنت تعرف موضع الطعنة. تبصر وتصغي بشكل أخف للصرخة المكتومة بداخلك، تدري أن شيئا ما حدث/يحدث. أن العدم يوجد. أن شيئا ما أصابك، بسلاح خفي، فأتى على منابع طاقتك فأفناها. تدري أن الجرح المكتوم طبيعي. وأن شعورك به وتعبيرك عنه حاجة وحق. كما أن تعبيرك عنه "قانوني"، وأن رفضك له صحي وواجب. وأن حماية ذاتك مسؤولية. هنا تحدث الجسد بدل النفس، لأن الاعتداء خفي.

عزيزي القارئ، هذا وسط الحكاية وبداية نهايتها. لكن البداية الأولى هي الاعتداء. وما أكتبه هنا هو مراجعة لكتاب التعافي من الاعتداء المستترHealing from Hidden Abuse ل شانون تومان. ترجم عمر فايد الكتاب ونشرت طبعته الأولى بداية السنة الجارية عن منشورات نادي الكتاب. لا أؤمن بالصدف، لكن اختياري للكتاب لم يكن مدروسا جدا، كعادتي، على الأقل على المستوى الواعي. لكني أؤمن بالقدر، وتلك مسألة أخرى.

الاعتداء النفسي منتشر جدا في مجتمعاتنا، عربية كانت أو غربية. أتذكر مقولة سقراط: «إن حياةً غير مفحوصة، ليست جديرة بأن تُعاش»، وأفكر. من منا يراجع نفسه كل يوم؟ يراجع تحيزاته؟ رغباته المضرة بالآخرين؟ استغلاله ضعف الآخر وجهله؟ سوءه الداخلي وتعقيدات فهمه لما حوله؟ من منا يراجع حسده؟ اتكاليته؟ رغبته المتطرفة في السيطرة والتحكم في الآخر؟ من منا قد يواجه نفسه ببساطة: ينقصني التهذيب الداخلي لكي لا أعتدي على الآخر. هذا الصدق يا عزيزي نادر جدا. فعلى جدار معبد دلفي الوصية الخالدة : اعرف نفسك. هذه حكمة الفلسفة الأولى. والأهم في نظري.

الكتاب حديث عن الاعتداء النفسي المستتر، وليس عن أسبابه. إنه موجه للضحايا لا لفهم تكون المعتدين. لذا سنترك وراءنا أي رغبة مثالية في إصلاح العالم ونركز على فهم الاعتداء المستتر أولا والتعافي تانيا.

1. الاعتداء المستتر:

التخفي، الجرح الذي لا يفصح عن نفسه هو الأشد على الإنسان. هو تلك الطعنة التي لا يُستشعَر عمقها إلا بعد حين. الجرح المستتر هو السم في العسل كما يحلو لجداتنا القول. إنه الازدراء في لحظات الفشل، هو الضغينة التي تنبع من حسد فتطلق على أهدافها ما ليس فيهم فتدمرهم هكذا. هو الانتقاذ الساخر والمستمر لتنطفئ. هو تلك الانفجارات التي تتحمل تبعاتها، باستمرار، لأنك تحبهم. هو تلك الأبواب المكسورة، فترتجف. هو ذلك الاستهزاء المستمر بما تحب. هو ذلك الضغط الهائل على كتفيك لتنال رضى مستحقيه الافتراضيين. هو أن يتم ابتزازك بمسميات مختلفة لتستمر في المنح، حتى تُفرغ، فتنتقل لسلة القمامة. هو المعاملة الطيبة المحسوبة العائد. هو التهميش المقصود للآخر لكي يعاني... هو ما يؤخذ قسرا ولو بلطف ظاهري.

الاعتداء المستتر يصعب تصديق حدوثه، من قبل الناجي قبل الآخرين. يستمر الناجي في إيجاد الأعذار لأفراد العائلة المسممين، وشركاء العمل المستهزئين، والأصدقاء الأنانيين، والأزواج المسيطرين. ان اكتشاف هذا الاعتداء والاعتراف به مهم جدا للفرد. إنه اعتراف بضعف ما، بخلل ما، و بفشل ما. إنها جمل يصعب النطق بها ولو داخليا، فالناجي بين محبته لأناس في حياته وإحساسه المستمر بالسوء نتيجة لتصرفاتهم تجاهه.

«فقد يكون الاعتداء النفسي أحد أكثر حالات الظلم المستترة في عصرنا هذا؛ لأنها تجعل أهدافها غير قادرين على تضسيق أنفسهم.»

يشترك المعتدون (تهتم الكاتبة بالنرجسسين، المعادين للمجتمع والمعتلين نفسيا) في رغبتهم الكبيرة في السيطرة على الآخر.
«إنهم يستمتعون بهيمنتهم التي يبسطونها بفعل اعتدائهم على الآخرين.»

هذا الاستتار يقابله صمت الضحية نتيجة صدمة وصعوبة في فهم مسببات وحقيقة الاعتداء. فالناجي لا يملك أي دلائل على فعل الاعتداء، وعقله هو أول من يعارضه، فيستمر الناجي في كبت الألم والكدمات داخله. انكساره داخلي.

2. صفات المعتدي:

النساء معتديات أيضا. لا فضل لذكر على أنثى هنا. والاعتداء يمكن أن يحدث بشكل فردي أو داخل جماعة. المعتدي يصدق أكاذيبه ومقتنع بها تماما، ولا يرى في القصة سوى مصلحته الخاصة وبسط هيمنته. ينجذب المعتدون لسمة/ شيء عند الضحية لا يملكونه، فيتخدونه هدفا. يحب المعتدون لعبة: القرب/الانسحاب، إنهم هنا ينشطون ديناميكية سامة ومحفزة على الإدمان. يدرس المعتدون ضحاياهم بكل هدوء، يقصفونهم بالود بالطريقة الصحيحة التي تحبها الضحية ليبتعدوا بعدها: لقد اخترعوا للتو سلاحا فتاكا بك، بمساعدتك العفوية.

النوايا يا عزيزي القارئ هي الفاصل في كل هذا. هل تتذكر المثل المبتدل الذي يضرب للتمييز بين المحب الحقيقي للوردة والمحب الزائف. لا بأس، ليكن ابتذالا، استعمله هنا.
المعتدي يحب تزييف الحقائق، تذكر هذا جيدا. ودموع التماسيح توجد حقيقةً.

3. صفات الناجي:

'أي هشاشة رمت بي هنا؟ أي غباء عبث بعقلي لأصدق كل هذا؟ ولأفعل ما فعلت بنفسي؟' تتساءل الضحية بعد حين. عبر خبرتها، لاحظت الكاتنة سمات مشتركة بين الناجيين: هم شديدي التعاطف، ويتمتعون بقدرة على التأمل في الذات، ولهم رغبة في ذلك. إن هذه الصفات هي ما يستغله المعتدون، بشكل يخدم مصالحهم.

يستمر الضحايا في اختلاق الأعذار للمعتدين، مع مراقبتهم المستمرة لأفعالهم وتشكيكهم بنواياهم الخاصة إرضاء للمعتدي. لكن هذا لا يكفي ولن يكون كافيا أبدا. يتفاعل الإنكارالداخلي للضحية مع الوهم الذي يزرعه المعتدي لتستمر هذه الحالة من الفوضى المقيتة.

4. مراحل التعافي الست:

المراحل الست للتعافي بالنسبة لشانون هي: اليأس، التعلم، اليقظة، الحدود، الإصلاح، والصيانة.

التعافي بالنسبة للناجين رحلة طويلة يتداخل فيها الجسدي مع النفسي. على المستوى النفسي فأشواط طويلة تقطع للتعرف والاعتراف بالأذى أولا، تسمية الإساءة باسمها الحقيقي بعدها، القدرة على تعريف الأحداث علانية أمام الذات وأمام المقربين، ثم محاولة الإصلاح: القطع مع التصرفات المبرمجة لتلقي الرضى، القطع أو رسم حدود تحمي الناجي من الاعتداء مستقبلا، والصيانة: أن تعود الابتسامة للناجي، أن تتوقف آلام المفاصل، أن تتزن خفقات قلبه. أن يطمئن. أن يبحث في مكان آخر عن تقدير حقيقي، ومودة لشخصه لا لما يقدمه، وأن لا يضطر مستقبلا أن يفعل شيئا قهرا لينال رضى معتد أبدا. أن يتحرر.

وعلى المستوى الجسدي فيتلخص التعافي في إيلاء العناية اللازمة بحاجيات الإنسان، أن لا تهمل جسدك.

أتذكر مقولة ماركوس أوريليوس العزيزة على قلبي: أفضل انتقام أن لا تصبح مثل من أساؤوا إليك. لا يجب على الناجي أن ينسى هذا.

الكتاب مهم جدا ومفيد لمن يفهمه. هو دعوة للتعافي. للمضي قدما واستعادة البسمة.

[Amel Khennoussi · Rating 4 out of 5]

تدور افكار هذا الكتاب حول تجربة الاعتداء النفسي والتشافي منها، إذ تحوم حول شخصيتين رئيسيتين وطبيعة العلاقة بينهما، الا و هما المعتدي النفسي والناجي من الاعتداء

المعتدي هنا، هو انسان ذو شخصية مرضية: النرجسي،السوسيوباثي،والمعتل النفسي ..
تشخيصهم ليس بالأمر السهل لانهم عادة لايزورون عيادات العلاج النفسي بل ضحاياهم، لم تقدم الكاتبة تعريفات واضحة او خصائص محددة لمعرفة الشخصيات المرضية،لكنها تعطي أمثلة ونماذج لسلوكات هؤلاء في مختلف أنواع العلاقات ، والاساليب الخفية التي يتبعونها في ممارسة الاعتداء :كالتلاعب،التمثيل،استغلال نقاط ضعف الضحية وحتى معلوماتهم،البرود العاطفي،.الخ
اسباب الاعتداء:
تشير الكاتبة الى ضرورة التفريق بين المريض العقلي ومضطرب الشخصية لأن الأول غير مسؤول وغير واع بتصرفاته، ناهيك عن ان تصرفاته قابلة للعلاج، أما الشخصية المرضية فنحن أمام انسان يعي جيدا مايفعله،بالتالي هو شخص مسؤول
تشكلت الشخصية في مرحلة الطفولة والمراهقة بشكل أدى الى وجود خلل في رؤيتهم للعلاقات، والتركيز حول الأنا و تضخمها، متجاهلين تماما مشاعر او مصالح الاخرين ، لكن توجد عوامل أخرى ادت لتشكل هذه الشخصية لم تشر لها الكاتبة
صفات الناجي:
القدرة على التأقلم كصفة جيدة والمرونة، بسبب التعود على الاذى ومحاولات إيجاد التوازن بشكل دائم،والا فالناجي هو شخص مستعد بنسبة ما ليكون فريسة لهؤلاء المعتدين.
البيئة السامة قد تغير من شخصية الناجي، فتجعله يتصف بسلوكيات لم يعتد عليها، يصل إلى الاقتباس من صفات المعتدي بدون وعي
قد يكون الاعتداء النفسي خفي، ومخادع وصعب معرفته مما يحتاج إلى مختص نفسي حتى يتمكن الناجي من معرفته وبالتالي التعافي منه
مراحل التعافي ستة:
1- اليأس:
اغلب الاحيان لايدري الناجي بأنه تعرض لاعتداء نفسي، فالحالة النفسية تكون فوضوية،اختلاط في المشاعر ،ربما يكون في حالة اكتئاب،محاولة انتحار
(من المهم تقييم درجة الرغبة في الاذية الذاتية)
تحديد مصادر اليأس اول خطوة في العلاج ،اذ ان الناجي يعاني من تخبط كبير يجعله يبحث عن الأسباب التي ادت لأن يتم معاملته بذلك السوء ، هل انا السبب؟فيلقي اللوم على نفسه، مما يعزز قلة الثقة التي يعاني منها اساسا
من بين اهم خطوات العلاج في هذه المرحلة :ابطال تأثير الأكاذيب التي مورست عليه والتي سممت أفكاره من طرف المعتدي
لاباس بالشعور بعدم القدرة على التجاوز، فهو خاص بهذه المرحلة ،يجب التركيز على كل خطوة ولو صغيرة نحو الشفاء ولابأس بالانتكاسات وأحيانا العودة لنقطة الصفر ،فالمهم الاستمرارية
عادة التحدث عن الشخص المعتدي يكون بوجهين،فكأنه شخص شرير وجيد في أن واحد ..لكن من الضروري تركيب صورة واحدة للمعتدي،انه شخص مسمم ومؤذي .
لابد من تقبل المشاعر في هذه المرحلة بل يجب استغلالها للشفاء واعتبارها حافز للاستمرارية.
تجنب التخيلات والسيناريوهات و ماذا قد يحدث مستقبلا والتركيز في اللحظة الراهنة
2-:التعليم :
الاعتداء النفسي خبيث ،وصعب ،لهذا يجب تعلم اساليب الاعتداء الممارسة من طرف المعتدي
×خلق الشك في الذكريات والمواقف التي كان فيها الناجي وبالتالي تغيير مسار الحديث وتزييف الحقائق
×تشويه الضحية وقلب الآخرين ضده،بحيث يصبح المعتدي هو المنقذ الوحيد والوجهة الوحيدة له
×الاعتماد على أطراف اخرين لممارسة الاعتداء ،باعتماد الأكاذيب والتلاعبات على الآخرين وبالتالي اعتبارهم اداة لتحقيق الضرر
×الإهانة النرجسية: في حال انتقاد المعتدي،يعتبرها اهانة ويقلب الطاولة على الناجي كما يجعله يشك فيما فعله،وجعله خطأ لايغتفر مما يؤدي لخلق تساؤلات وحيرة، وخوف وبل الاستياء من النفس ولومها
×التعزيز المتقطع:التقلب المزاجي ،والاعتداء بشكل مدروس بحيث يتعامل بشكل عادي في وقت تتوقع فيه رد فعل عنيف،وهكذا ..
×المثالية وتقليل القدر والنبذ:
المثالية:عند بداية العلاقة الظهور بشكل مثالي ورائع حتى ينسج الفخ الذي يقع فيه الضحية
ثم تأتي مرحلة تقليل القدر عندما يبدأ الضحية يستند كليا على المعتدي ،فتصبح ردود فعل المعتدي انفجارية،ويقلل من الاحترام ويؤذي بشتى الطرق
النبذ:الضحية يكون مفككا وفي تمزق كبير مما يجعله اول من يبحث عن الفرار الا ان الخيوط التي نسجها المعتدي تجعل الناجي لاينفلت منها فيعود مجددا بعد محاولات الهرب
3-اليقظة:
تبدأ بوادر الفهم والاستيعاب لدى الناجي، القدرة على تصنيف ماوقع على انه: اعتداء،وغير طبيعي، تكون درجة الغضب في اوجها.
من الضروري إتاحة المساحة للتعبير ،قد يحاول البعض خلق تفسيرات من قبيل:انهم مرضى عقليين،لكن حقيقة،اضطراب الشخصية يقع باختيار وبوعي من المعتدي
التعافي ممكن
4-الحدود :
هنا يقرر الناجي كيفية التواصل مع الشخص المعتدي،أما بقطع التواصل كليا،أو التواصل المنفصل
وهي مرحلة صعبة حسب طبيعة العلاقة ،والبعض قد ينكر رغم معرفته بحقيقة الوضع ويكمل في ذلك الجو المسمم
يجب الحزم وضبط الحدود جيدا،والتعبير عنها عمليا حتى يعتاد عليها المعتدي،قد تكون ردوده قوية بداية،لكن من المهم الحفاظ على الهدوء،وتقبل حقيقة ان الاخر مؤذي ولن يتغير وقد يرفض الأمر الا ان الحزم قد يؤتي اكله
5-الاصلاح:
إعادة استرجاع ماقد فقده الناجي من خسائر نفسية،مادية،جسدية ،يجب أن تكون المرحلة تشجيعية وضرورة تعلم الصبر على عملية الشفاء
هنا يبدا الناجي بملئ فراغه بأمور بعيدة كل البعد عن موضوع الاعتداء
قرار العيش مجددا واستمرار الحياة بعيدا عن التجربة السيئة قرار مهم لهذه المرحلة
الخوض في تجارب جديدة، الاستمتاع بالحياة،والاحاطة بأناس يعززون المشاعر الايجابية وتقدير الذات
الاهتمام بالصحة البدنية والرياضة
6-مرحلة الصيانة:
الشعور العميق بالتعافي،واعادة التفكير في التجربة ككل ،الشعور بالعودة إلى الحياة بشكل عادي،واكتساب الثقة بسبب تطوير مهارات جديدة تبقي الناجي بعيد عن الاعتداء مستقبلا
الكتاب دليل عملي جيد وان كان يحتاج لتوسعة في امور شتى ومحاولة الفصل بين المراحل التي يمر بها الناجي نفسيا(كوصف) ،وبين خطوات العلاج التي يجب اعتمادها في كل مرحلة حتى تكون سلسة ..ثم من الضروري تقديم التعقيدات التي قد تحدث في حال لم تكتمل مرحلة من المراحل تلك ومانتائجها ومخرجاتها النفسية وثم كيفية علاجها