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Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement
We all know that conversations influence us. But we rarely stop to think about how much impact they have on our well-being and our ability to thrive. This book shows how Appreciative Inquiry (AI) - one of the most widely used new approaches for fostering positive change for individuals, groups, organizations, and communities - can help everyone communicate better and flourish in all areas of their lives. Stavros and Torres spell out 2 practices and 5 principles to create great conversations. Each chapter is built around real-life stories of people using AI practices and principles to transform their conversations and their organizations.
216 pages, Kindle Edition
Published November 2, 2021
181 people are currently reading
752 people want to read
About the author
Jackie Stavros
16 books6 followersJackie’s passion is working with others to discover their purpose in creating positive change. She has over thirty years of leadership, strategy, organization development, and change management experience. The heart of her work is using Appreciative Inquiry (AI), one of the most popular approaches to positive change, which brings out the best in people to impact productivity, engagement, and performance in their organizations and communities. Jackie has been integrating strengths-based approaches into her research, teaching, training, coaching, and consulting work to strengthen relationships and inspire innovation. She works with organizations in leadership development, team building, and strategic planning. She helps them identify and articulate their values, vision, mission, strategy, and initiatives to build collaborative teams and communities. She has worked across all sectors, including for-profit, non-profit, government, and a wide spectrum of industries.
Jackie is a professor at Lawrence Technological University (LTU) College of Business and IT in Michigan. She is a member of the AI Council of Practitioners for the Cooperrider Center for Appreciative Inquiry (AI) and the Taos Institute. She serves as an AI Mentor for XCHANGE: Conversations for Exponential Outcomes. Before she joined LTU, her industry work included manufacturing, automotive, banking, technology, government, and professional services. Her first professional position was as a sales rep for Cutco Cutlery, whose leaders planted in her the seeds of positivity and possibility.
Jackie has coauthored many books and articles, including the second edition of Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement (www.cwh.today) and Learning to SOAR: Creating Strategy That Inspires Innovation and Engagement. SOAR is a positive approach to strategic thinking, planning, conversations, and leading that focuses on strengths, opportunities, aspirations, and results (www.soar-strategy.com). Her work has been featured in Forbes, SmartBrief, Detroit’s Live in the D, People and Strategy, and DBusiness Magazine. She has worked in 25 countries using Appreciative Inquiry (AI) to affect the lives of thousands or people and hundreds of organizations improve capacity to thrive and increase performance. She is a keynote speaker on AI, SOAR, and positive approaches to leadership development and change. She earned a Doctor of Management, dissertation: Capacity Building Using an Appreciative Approach: A Relational Process of Building Your Organization’s Future from Case Western Reserve University, an MBA from Michigan State University, and a BA from Wayne State University. She lives in Brighton, Michigan, with her husband, Paul, and her loveable dog, Rex.
Jackie is a professor at Lawrence Technological University (LTU) College of Business and IT in Michigan. She is a member of the AI Council of Practitioners for the Cooperrider Center for Appreciative Inquiry (AI) and the Taos Institute. She serves as an AI Mentor for XCHANGE: Conversations for Exponential Outcomes. Before she joined LTU, her industry work included manufacturing, automotive, banking, technology, government, and professional services. Her first professional position was as a sales rep for Cutco Cutlery, whose leaders planted in her the seeds of positivity and possibility.
Jackie has coauthored many books and articles, including the second edition of Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement (www.cwh.today) and Learning to SOAR: Creating Strategy That Inspires Innovation and Engagement. SOAR is a positive approach to strategic thinking, planning, conversations, and leading that focuses on strengths, opportunities, aspirations, and results (www.soar-strategy.com). Her work has been featured in Forbes, SmartBrief, Detroit’s Live in the D, People and Strategy, and DBusiness Magazine. She has worked in 25 countries using Appreciative Inquiry (AI) to affect the lives of thousands or people and hundreds of organizations improve capacity to thrive and increase performance. She is a keynote speaker on AI, SOAR, and positive approaches to leadership development and change. She earned a Doctor of Management, dissertation: Capacity Building Using an Appreciative Approach: A Relational Process of Building Your Organization’s Future from Case Western Reserve University, an MBA from Michigan State University, and a BA from Wayne State University. She lives in Brighton, Michigan, with her husband, Paul, and her loveable dog, Rex.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews
September 19, 2024
This book really brought my attention to being curious and positive in my conversations. I think it gives excellent advice that is easy to put into practice, and I hope to continue practicing it for the rest of my life.
May 24, 2022
Conversations Worth Having, second edition, by Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres (2022) is an excellent read.
I read the first edition in 2018 and really valued it. The second edition is significantly better. So if you are wanting to read this, be sure to get the second edition.
Conversations across the back fence, in our families, in our communities and at work, as the authors say, “lie at the heart of how we interact.” This book explains and gives examples of how we can have an impact of the depth and value of conversations we participate in. Stavros and Torres show how an individual can: by approaching the conversation with a positive frame, listening deeply to the other throughout the conversation, and by asking questions that stem from your genuine curiosity – can invite and contribute to greater understanding.
The authors make the case that conversations are often, as they say on page 49, “at the mercy of the subconscious drivers (those involved) such as judgement, assumptions, bias, and (maybe even) low blood sugar.” Conversations driven by these subconscious drivers are not likely to build strong healthy relationships.
Applying the principles in Conversations Worth Having allows you to strengthen relationships (in your family, neighborhood and/or at work), build better teams, inspire engagement, and propel organization success. I recommend this book to individuals or groups that want to get to: known themselves better, know themselves with others better and know themselves better while being with others accomplishing something together.
I read the first edition in 2018 and really valued it. The second edition is significantly better. So if you are wanting to read this, be sure to get the second edition.
Conversations across the back fence, in our families, in our communities and at work, as the authors say, “lie at the heart of how we interact.” This book explains and gives examples of how we can have an impact of the depth and value of conversations we participate in. Stavros and Torres show how an individual can: by approaching the conversation with a positive frame, listening deeply to the other throughout the conversation, and by asking questions that stem from your genuine curiosity – can invite and contribute to greater understanding.
The authors make the case that conversations are often, as they say on page 49, “at the mercy of the subconscious drivers (those involved) such as judgement, assumptions, bias, and (maybe even) low blood sugar.” Conversations driven by these subconscious drivers are not likely to build strong healthy relationships.
Applying the principles in Conversations Worth Having allows you to strengthen relationships (in your family, neighborhood and/or at work), build better teams, inspire engagement, and propel organization success. I recommend this book to individuals or groups that want to get to: known themselves better, know themselves with others better and know themselves better while being with others accomplishing something together.
August 2, 2022
This book does the same thing pretty much all self-help books (organizational or any other flavor) do: Takes a simple and obvious idea (being more positive leads to more positive results), breaks it down into a few rules, principles, and catch-phrases, and repeats it over and over again. There's a little more to it, but if I were to write a self-help book on How to Write a Self-Help Book, that is how I would begin. Anyway, be curious, focus on what works, start from a positive framing of the issue ... these are all great ideas, and they make sense, but coming up with that solution was never the hard part. I was part of a webinar with several followup meetings centered around this book until I had schedule conflicts, and the interaction with others is where you have opportunities to practice in controlled conditions. Without that, the book is of limited use. Still, the ideas are valuable, and I hope to get myself to use them regularly.
May 4, 2021
This book offered a new way to have meaningful conversations with others whether at home, with friends, in organizations, or at the workplace. I have started and look forward to using this appreciative inquiry model to allow for meaningful engagement in future conversations.
February 7, 2022
Conversations Worth Having is a terrific review of the benefits of the strength's based, appreciative inquiry approach. Having done a research project on AI, this was a terrific refresh. The book offers strong examples and inspires readers to use this approach in all aspects of life!
November 6, 2018
Practical application of Affirmative Inquiry management technique (which I am really digging right now).
Read
December 28, 2022Conversations Worth Having (2018) looks at the power of conversation in our lives and what we can do to communicate more productively at work, in our relationships, and in the community. Drawing on real-life stories and scientifically based theories, it illustrates how we can improve organizations and lives using the principle of Appreciative Inquiry – effective conversation through positive perspective and asking the right questions.
Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres have been internationally recognized for their work with Appreciative Inquiry. They’ve positively affected the lives of thousands of people and helped hundreds of organizations improve their capacity to thrive in uncertain times. They have been researching, writing, consulting, and speaking on Appreciative Inquiry since 1996.
Jackie Stavros is professor in the College of Business and Information Technology at Lawrence Technological University and an Appreciative Inquiry advisor at the David L. Cooperrider Center for Appreciative Inquiry. Stavros has more than thirty years of leadership, strategic planning, and change management experience.
Cheri Torres is CEO and lead catalyst of Collaborative by Design, a consulting firm that helps organizations improve performance, retain talent, and transform communication and culture. Stavros and Torres have been researching, writing, consulting, and speaking on Appreciative Inquiry since 1996.
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Energize your conversations through Appreciative Inquiry.
Conversations are at the heart of how we interact. The words we choose and the tone we adopt can drastically change our experiences and those of others. A positive conversation can fuel productivity, build strong connections, and generate change for the better, while a negative conversation can stifle growth, damage relationships, and leave us emotionally and physically exhausted.
Luckily, there’s a way to ensure that we always have the best conversations possible – a process called Appreciative Inquiry. This simple, practical, and well-tested method involves positively framing the situation and asking questions to move the conversation in the right direction, making sure that everyone involved feels satisfied and heard.
In this book, you’ll learn how to pay attention to what you’re actually saying, and how to use the two techniques and five principles of Appreciative Inquiry to guarantee that your conversation is one worth having. So, if you’re ready, let’s get talking!
---
Tune in to the type of conversation you’re having.
Alisha Patel works at a busy medical center in New England, and she’s about to have an important conversation. There’ve been some negative patient satisfaction reports from one of her hospital units; it seems a recent change in management and increase in workload has left the staff overworked, stressed, and unengaged. Alisha is here to talk to the tired and tense group of nurses. Could something as simple as the right conversation be enough to turn the situation around and improve morale? The answer is yes.
But before we look at Alisha’s organization-changing conversation, let’s see what she used to say in these situations – before she learned to tune in to the specific type of conversation she was having. There was a time when she would have said, “These reports aren’t satisfactory. Every quarter it’s the same or worse. You’ve clearly done nothing to improve!” This would result in defensive excuses from the staff and they’d leave demoralized with no idea how to fix the issue.
These types of conversations are what we call depreciative – they devalue the situation. Alisha would just focus on stating the problem, with no investigation as to why there’s a problem in the first place or what the staff think of it. These conversations are unproductive and lead to defensiveness and disengagement.
So, what does Alisha do now? She uses Appreciative Inquiry – a technique based on adding value and asking questions. She asks the nurses what’s been working well in the unit and for examples of satisfied patients.
After the initial shock of such an unexpectedly positive direction of conversation, the nurses share their stories – and they discover several common themes and actions which can help them improve patient satisfaction. Alisha’s success is confirmed after the meeting when one nurse exclaims, “This was so effective. I know things are going to improve after just one meeting with you!”
While not every interaction will go this well, this type of conversation is what you want to strive for when trying to create positive change at work, in your relationships, or in the community. And there’s one important thing you need to do before you can have this conversation: you need to tune in to the unseen influences of the situation.
Think of it as an iceberg – on the surface we have our visible behaviors and actions in the form of conversations. However, hidden beneath are the unconscious drivers of those conversations. Things like our beliefs, expectations, stress, biases, world-view, how much sleep we got last night – everything that can affect what we say.
And just like with the Titanic, if you’re not aware of what’s floating beneath the surface, this iceberg can sink a relationship.
Conversations which are driven by these unseen factors are often of the depreciative type mentioned before. If you want to turn the discussion into a conversation worth having, you need to find a way to bring these unseen influences into the light. Luckily, there’s a very simple technique you can use to tune in. It involves three steps: pause, breathe, and get curious.
So the next time you find yourself on the verge of a depreciative conversation, the first thing you should do is pause. This stops the current momentum before things get out of control.
Use this moment to breathe. Breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress. The effect is strongest if you take a deep breath, hold it for a short time, then let it out slowly, and repeat.
Finally, get curious. Ask questions which allow you to consciously take charge of what’s going on in your head. What’s the bigger picture? What assumptions am I making? What don’t I know that might be important? What emotions am I experiencing?
This simple exercise stops you from being controlled by those unseen influences and allows you to get in the driver’s seat and deliberately foster the conversation you want to have – one based on Appreciative Inquiry.
In the next chapter, we’ll take a closer look at this concept, and the two basic practices that it involves.
---
Apply Appreciative Inquiry using generative questions and positive framing.
Jerry Sternin works for Save the Children, a nongovernmental organization concerned with improving the well-being of children around the world. He has an important job: in just six months he has to solve the problem of childhood malnutrition in south Vietnam. Due to the time restraints, he knows that conventional solutions of achieving clean water or initiating an educational program won’t work.
Forced to think outside the box, Jerry asks himself what is known as a generative question: “I wonder if there are families where the children are thriving?”
Generative questions are an essential part of Appreciative Inquiry. If a question is generative, it adds value to a situation – by revealing hidden information, creating shared understanding, generating new knowledge, or inspiring possibilities.
Jerry’s question did a great job of revealing invisible information because the answer was: “Yes, there are families with thriving children.” This led him to another generative question that resulted in new knowledge: “Is there something the mothers of these children are doing that is making the difference?”
Jerry found that in the families with thriving children, some mothers weren’t following cultural norms. They ate more meals a day, they ate shrimp and crabs, and they still ate when they were sick. All this resulted in improved nutrition. Jerry’s generative questions had uncovered a simple solution that could easily and quickly be taught to the other families.
It’s questions like these which should be asked in any conversation worth having. Once you’ve tuned in and become aware of any unconscious influences, you should be in a position to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind.
Take the example of Monica and her teenage son, Aiden, arguing about whether he could borrow the car over the weekend. After the usual back and forth about safety and independence, Monica asked the generative question, “How can we come to some agreement that allows you to get the car and me to feel comfortable that you’ll make good decisions?”
This question started a brand-new and more positive conversation, shifting the focus to something they both wanted. It’s here where generative questions meet the other half of Appreciative Inquiry: positive framing.
We’ll look at this concept through the story of Mark, a mid-level manager in a Fortune 100 company. His employee, Melissa, is a very good worker with one problem: she’s often late for her regular Wednesday meeting. Mark has to have a difficult conversation with Melissa regarding this issue. Luckily, he’s been trained in the methods of Appreciative Inquiry.
The old Mark would have been critical and direct, saying something like, “This is a problem. You’re always late and miss Wednesday’s deadlines. You have to change.” As you now know, this kind of conversation is depreciative and unproductive.
Instead, Mark uses positive framing. This involves focusing attention on the desired positive outcome rather than the problem itself. He does this through a three-step process called flipping. He first defines the problem, then finds its positive opposite, and finally focuses the conversation on what the impact of this positive opposite would be. Let’s take a closer look at his method.
Defining the problem is simple enough. Melissa is late for work and therefore misses deadlines. What would be the opposite of this? Melissa is always on time and doesn’t miss deadlines. So far so good. So what would be the result if this were true? Mark concludes that the team would have a strong sense of cohesion, improved performance, and there’d be generally more trust.
With this positive frame in mind, Mark begins the conversation by stressing the importance of having a strong team with members who trust each other. Melissa agrees with this desire and is more receptive when Mark brings up the effect her tardiness is having on the team. Using a generative question, he asks, “Is there something about Wednesday morning that’s problematic?”
Mark soon discovers that Melissa drops her son at daycare on Wednesday mornings. The whole problem is solved by starting the meeting half an hour later. The positive frame which Mark used, combined with the generative questions, turned a potentially critical conversation into a productive one, creating simple and effective solutions.
Positive framing can be used in nearly any situation to change the dynamics of a conversation. This, combined with generative questions to expand awareness, forms the foundation of Appreciative Inquiry.
Keeping that in mind, let’s look at five principles that can help guide your conversations.
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There are five fundamental principles underlying all our conversations.
Let’s explore the five principles through the story of a seventh grader named Jamal and two of his teachers. His first teacher, Ms. Wittit, teaches social studies. This is Jamal’s favorite class and he thrives in it. His other teacher, Ms. Summers, teaches English. Jamal doesn’t enjoy English so much.
Jamal’s behavior in each class is pretty similar – he clowns around a bit, often stares out the window, and turns in the odd bad assignment. However, his experience with each of these teachers is dramatically different.
Ms. Wittit is much more tolerant of Jamal’s occasional bad behavior. She believes clowning around is his way of connecting with his peers, and looking out the window is his way of concentrating. When having conversations with him about a bad assignment, she uses Appreciative Inquiry, focusing on success and asking generative questions.
Ms. Summers, on the other hand, is much more critical. She tries to directly stop what she sees as negative behavior, and conversations about assignments generally focus on the problems.
Both Ms. Summers and Ms. Wittit are caring teachers who want the best for Jamal. So why are their interactions so different? To understand this, you need to know the personal beliefs which they’re bringing to the classroom.
You see, Ms. Summers grew up in a very strict household where she was raised to believe that success comes from discipline and attention is important. You focus, you do your work, you succeed.
Ms. Wittit, however, came from a more artistic household where patience and nurtured passion were expected to result in success.
They each brought their own worldview to their interactions and conversations with Jamal.
This highlights the first key principle of Appreciative Inquiry, called the constructionist principle. Our worldview is constructed by our own past experiences and interactions, and this in turn governs how we understand and proceed with the conversations we have. With this in mind, it’s important to hold your viewpoint lightly and be open to change.
The next principle is the simultaneity principle. This says that when we make a statement or ask a question in a conversation, we change the world by affecting the person who hears it. This explains the huge difference in Jamal’s attitude between the classes. The lesson here? Choose your words carefully.
The poetic principle states that every person, group, or situation can be understood from many perspectives. This can be seen when Ms. Wittit saw Jamal’s clowning around as socializing, while Ms. Summers saw it as distracting. It’s important to realize that you have a choice in how you interpret things.
The anticipatory principle is the idea that our expectations influence our intention when having a conversation. Ms. Summers expected behavioral issues, so that’s what she addressed. Ms. Wittit anticipated that Jamal had specific strengths and interests, so that’s what she focused on.
Finally, the positive principle is the idea that the more positive a question, the more positive and long-lasting the outcome. When Ms. Wittit asked more positive questions, she had more success with Jamal. The lesson here is: ask strong questions focused on affirmation and possibility.
In the final chapter, we’ll explore some practical ways that Appreciative Inquiry and the five principles can be applied to your work, family, and community.
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You can apply Appreciative Inquiry to all aspects of your life.
Conversations are at the core of all human interactions, and these human interactions form all of our social systems and organizations: work, family, and community. Throughout the course of this book you’ve heard many stories illustrating the value of Appreciative Inquiry in fostering healthy conversations. Let’s finish up with one last story about the author Jackie Stavros’s own daughter, Ally, regarding an emotional experience at the age of 13.
Ally’s vacation was cut short when her dad was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. Her mom stayed with him in hospital, while Ally and her brother were sent to live with different relatives. She could only visit her dad once a week for a short amount of time.
Naturally, she was terrified about the future, and asked her mother, “Is dad going to die?” Her mom trusted Ally enough not simply to give her the answer she wanted to hear. “Ally, we’re all going to die someday, but for now we just have to stay positive and appreciate what is.” This led to a life-changing conversation she recalls with her mom.
“How can I appreciate this?” Ally asked in frustration. In response, her mom changed the conversation by asking a simple generative question: “Tell me about your favorite moment with your dad.” This positive, productive question led to a happy recollection of all the fun times with her dad.
One of the things Ally mentioned was how she’d sit with her dad on the porch and watch the sunset. “I’ll tell you what,” her mom replied. “Tonight, I want you to sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. While you’re doing that, I’ll push your dad up to the hospital window and we’ll watch it too.”
Ally’s father pulled through in the end and family life is back to normal. Ally recognizes the significance of that interaction with her mom. How her mom used Appreciative Inquiry to turn a dark situation into a helpful and productive conversation. That moment taught her to live with an appreciative mindset, which she still has to this day.
And you can adopt that mindset too. Through Appreciative Inquiry, you can change the nature of the conversations you have with yourself, your partner, your children, your colleagues, and anyone in your life.
Instead of blaming yourself for not accomplishing something today, ask yourself how you can be more effective tomorrow.
Instead of telling your partner how unhappy you are just watching TV every evening, engage them in a conversation about how much fun you had together when you went out more.
Don’t scold and punish your children for coming home late, tell them that you care about them and ask what it is about the current curfew that makes it so hard to keep.
And just like Alisha, the hospital administrator we talked about in the first chapter, don’t criticize your colleagues for poor performance, ask them to find instances of what works well and focus on that.
We are our interactions. Make sure your conversations are ones worth having.
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Appreciative Inquiry can change your world. Tune in to your unseen influences, positively frame the situation, and ask generative questions to create conversations worth having. You’ll be surprised by the results you get!
And here’s some more actionable advice:
Observe your conversations for a day.
Take a sheet of paper or an index card and label one side “negative” and the other side “positive.” Whenever you have a conversation today, decide if it was appreciative – adding value – or depreciative – devaluing. Put a tick under the appropriate heading, along with a few notes on how you felt during the interaction or what the general tone was.
At the end of the day, reflect on the interactions, and add up the total positive versus negative conversations to make a ratio. If the ratio is less than three positive to one negative conversation, then it’s time to make a change!
Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres have been internationally recognized for their work with Appreciative Inquiry. They’ve positively affected the lives of thousands of people and helped hundreds of organizations improve their capacity to thrive in uncertain times. They have been researching, writing, consulting, and speaking on Appreciative Inquiry since 1996.
Jackie Stavros is professor in the College of Business and Information Technology at Lawrence Technological University and an Appreciative Inquiry advisor at the David L. Cooperrider Center for Appreciative Inquiry. Stavros has more than thirty years of leadership, strategic planning, and change management experience.
Cheri Torres is CEO and lead catalyst of Collaborative by Design, a consulting firm that helps organizations improve performance, retain talent, and transform communication and culture. Stavros and Torres have been researching, writing, consulting, and speaking on Appreciative Inquiry since 1996.
---
Energize your conversations through Appreciative Inquiry.
Conversations are at the heart of how we interact. The words we choose and the tone we adopt can drastically change our experiences and those of others. A positive conversation can fuel productivity, build strong connections, and generate change for the better, while a negative conversation can stifle growth, damage relationships, and leave us emotionally and physically exhausted.
Luckily, there’s a way to ensure that we always have the best conversations possible – a process called Appreciative Inquiry. This simple, practical, and well-tested method involves positively framing the situation and asking questions to move the conversation in the right direction, making sure that everyone involved feels satisfied and heard.
In this book, you’ll learn how to pay attention to what you’re actually saying, and how to use the two techniques and five principles of Appreciative Inquiry to guarantee that your conversation is one worth having. So, if you’re ready, let’s get talking!
---
Tune in to the type of conversation you’re having.
Alisha Patel works at a busy medical center in New England, and she’s about to have an important conversation. There’ve been some negative patient satisfaction reports from one of her hospital units; it seems a recent change in management and increase in workload has left the staff overworked, stressed, and unengaged. Alisha is here to talk to the tired and tense group of nurses. Could something as simple as the right conversation be enough to turn the situation around and improve morale? The answer is yes.
But before we look at Alisha’s organization-changing conversation, let’s see what she used to say in these situations – before she learned to tune in to the specific type of conversation she was having. There was a time when she would have said, “These reports aren’t satisfactory. Every quarter it’s the same or worse. You’ve clearly done nothing to improve!” This would result in defensive excuses from the staff and they’d leave demoralized with no idea how to fix the issue.
These types of conversations are what we call depreciative – they devalue the situation. Alisha would just focus on stating the problem, with no investigation as to why there’s a problem in the first place or what the staff think of it. These conversations are unproductive and lead to defensiveness and disengagement.
So, what does Alisha do now? She uses Appreciative Inquiry – a technique based on adding value and asking questions. She asks the nurses what’s been working well in the unit and for examples of satisfied patients.
After the initial shock of such an unexpectedly positive direction of conversation, the nurses share their stories – and they discover several common themes and actions which can help them improve patient satisfaction. Alisha’s success is confirmed after the meeting when one nurse exclaims, “This was so effective. I know things are going to improve after just one meeting with you!”
While not every interaction will go this well, this type of conversation is what you want to strive for when trying to create positive change at work, in your relationships, or in the community. And there’s one important thing you need to do before you can have this conversation: you need to tune in to the unseen influences of the situation.
Think of it as an iceberg – on the surface we have our visible behaviors and actions in the form of conversations. However, hidden beneath are the unconscious drivers of those conversations. Things like our beliefs, expectations, stress, biases, world-view, how much sleep we got last night – everything that can affect what we say.
And just like with the Titanic, if you’re not aware of what’s floating beneath the surface, this iceberg can sink a relationship.
Conversations which are driven by these unseen factors are often of the depreciative type mentioned before. If you want to turn the discussion into a conversation worth having, you need to find a way to bring these unseen influences into the light. Luckily, there’s a very simple technique you can use to tune in. It involves three steps: pause, breathe, and get curious.
So the next time you find yourself on the verge of a depreciative conversation, the first thing you should do is pause. This stops the current momentum before things get out of control.
Use this moment to breathe. Breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress. The effect is strongest if you take a deep breath, hold it for a short time, then let it out slowly, and repeat.
Finally, get curious. Ask questions which allow you to consciously take charge of what’s going on in your head. What’s the bigger picture? What assumptions am I making? What don’t I know that might be important? What emotions am I experiencing?
This simple exercise stops you from being controlled by those unseen influences and allows you to get in the driver’s seat and deliberately foster the conversation you want to have – one based on Appreciative Inquiry.
In the next chapter, we’ll take a closer look at this concept, and the two basic practices that it involves.
---
Apply Appreciative Inquiry using generative questions and positive framing.
Jerry Sternin works for Save the Children, a nongovernmental organization concerned with improving the well-being of children around the world. He has an important job: in just six months he has to solve the problem of childhood malnutrition in south Vietnam. Due to the time restraints, he knows that conventional solutions of achieving clean water or initiating an educational program won’t work.
Forced to think outside the box, Jerry asks himself what is known as a generative question: “I wonder if there are families where the children are thriving?”
Generative questions are an essential part of Appreciative Inquiry. If a question is generative, it adds value to a situation – by revealing hidden information, creating shared understanding, generating new knowledge, or inspiring possibilities.
Jerry’s question did a great job of revealing invisible information because the answer was: “Yes, there are families with thriving children.” This led him to another generative question that resulted in new knowledge: “Is there something the mothers of these children are doing that is making the difference?”
Jerry found that in the families with thriving children, some mothers weren’t following cultural norms. They ate more meals a day, they ate shrimp and crabs, and they still ate when they were sick. All this resulted in improved nutrition. Jerry’s generative questions had uncovered a simple solution that could easily and quickly be taught to the other families.
It’s questions like these which should be asked in any conversation worth having. Once you’ve tuned in and become aware of any unconscious influences, you should be in a position to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind.
Take the example of Monica and her teenage son, Aiden, arguing about whether he could borrow the car over the weekend. After the usual back and forth about safety and independence, Monica asked the generative question, “How can we come to some agreement that allows you to get the car and me to feel comfortable that you’ll make good decisions?”
This question started a brand-new and more positive conversation, shifting the focus to something they both wanted. It’s here where generative questions meet the other half of Appreciative Inquiry: positive framing.
We’ll look at this concept through the story of Mark, a mid-level manager in a Fortune 100 company. His employee, Melissa, is a very good worker with one problem: she’s often late for her regular Wednesday meeting. Mark has to have a difficult conversation with Melissa regarding this issue. Luckily, he’s been trained in the methods of Appreciative Inquiry.
The old Mark would have been critical and direct, saying something like, “This is a problem. You’re always late and miss Wednesday’s deadlines. You have to change.” As you now know, this kind of conversation is depreciative and unproductive.
Instead, Mark uses positive framing. This involves focusing attention on the desired positive outcome rather than the problem itself. He does this through a three-step process called flipping. He first defines the problem, then finds its positive opposite, and finally focuses the conversation on what the impact of this positive opposite would be. Let’s take a closer look at his method.
Defining the problem is simple enough. Melissa is late for work and therefore misses deadlines. What would be the opposite of this? Melissa is always on time and doesn’t miss deadlines. So far so good. So what would be the result if this were true? Mark concludes that the team would have a strong sense of cohesion, improved performance, and there’d be generally more trust.
With this positive frame in mind, Mark begins the conversation by stressing the importance of having a strong team with members who trust each other. Melissa agrees with this desire and is more receptive when Mark brings up the effect her tardiness is having on the team. Using a generative question, he asks, “Is there something about Wednesday morning that’s problematic?”
Mark soon discovers that Melissa drops her son at daycare on Wednesday mornings. The whole problem is solved by starting the meeting half an hour later. The positive frame which Mark used, combined with the generative questions, turned a potentially critical conversation into a productive one, creating simple and effective solutions.
Positive framing can be used in nearly any situation to change the dynamics of a conversation. This, combined with generative questions to expand awareness, forms the foundation of Appreciative Inquiry.
Keeping that in mind, let’s look at five principles that can help guide your conversations.
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There are five fundamental principles underlying all our conversations.
Let’s explore the five principles through the story of a seventh grader named Jamal and two of his teachers. His first teacher, Ms. Wittit, teaches social studies. This is Jamal’s favorite class and he thrives in it. His other teacher, Ms. Summers, teaches English. Jamal doesn’t enjoy English so much.
Jamal’s behavior in each class is pretty similar – he clowns around a bit, often stares out the window, and turns in the odd bad assignment. However, his experience with each of these teachers is dramatically different.
Ms. Wittit is much more tolerant of Jamal’s occasional bad behavior. She believes clowning around is his way of connecting with his peers, and looking out the window is his way of concentrating. When having conversations with him about a bad assignment, she uses Appreciative Inquiry, focusing on success and asking generative questions.
Ms. Summers, on the other hand, is much more critical. She tries to directly stop what she sees as negative behavior, and conversations about assignments generally focus on the problems.
Both Ms. Summers and Ms. Wittit are caring teachers who want the best for Jamal. So why are their interactions so different? To understand this, you need to know the personal beliefs which they’re bringing to the classroom.
You see, Ms. Summers grew up in a very strict household where she was raised to believe that success comes from discipline and attention is important. You focus, you do your work, you succeed.
Ms. Wittit, however, came from a more artistic household where patience and nurtured passion were expected to result in success.
They each brought their own worldview to their interactions and conversations with Jamal.
This highlights the first key principle of Appreciative Inquiry, called the constructionist principle. Our worldview is constructed by our own past experiences and interactions, and this in turn governs how we understand and proceed with the conversations we have. With this in mind, it’s important to hold your viewpoint lightly and be open to change.
The next principle is the simultaneity principle. This says that when we make a statement or ask a question in a conversation, we change the world by affecting the person who hears it. This explains the huge difference in Jamal’s attitude between the classes. The lesson here? Choose your words carefully.
The poetic principle states that every person, group, or situation can be understood from many perspectives. This can be seen when Ms. Wittit saw Jamal’s clowning around as socializing, while Ms. Summers saw it as distracting. It’s important to realize that you have a choice in how you interpret things.
The anticipatory principle is the idea that our expectations influence our intention when having a conversation. Ms. Summers expected behavioral issues, so that’s what she addressed. Ms. Wittit anticipated that Jamal had specific strengths and interests, so that’s what she focused on.
Finally, the positive principle is the idea that the more positive a question, the more positive and long-lasting the outcome. When Ms. Wittit asked more positive questions, she had more success with Jamal. The lesson here is: ask strong questions focused on affirmation and possibility.
In the final chapter, we’ll explore some practical ways that Appreciative Inquiry and the five principles can be applied to your work, family, and community.
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You can apply Appreciative Inquiry to all aspects of your life.
Conversations are at the core of all human interactions, and these human interactions form all of our social systems and organizations: work, family, and community. Throughout the course of this book you’ve heard many stories illustrating the value of Appreciative Inquiry in fostering healthy conversations. Let’s finish up with one last story about the author Jackie Stavros’s own daughter, Ally, regarding an emotional experience at the age of 13.
Ally’s vacation was cut short when her dad was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. Her mom stayed with him in hospital, while Ally and her brother were sent to live with different relatives. She could only visit her dad once a week for a short amount of time.
Naturally, she was terrified about the future, and asked her mother, “Is dad going to die?” Her mom trusted Ally enough not simply to give her the answer she wanted to hear. “Ally, we’re all going to die someday, but for now we just have to stay positive and appreciate what is.” This led to a life-changing conversation she recalls with her mom.
“How can I appreciate this?” Ally asked in frustration. In response, her mom changed the conversation by asking a simple generative question: “Tell me about your favorite moment with your dad.” This positive, productive question led to a happy recollection of all the fun times with her dad.
One of the things Ally mentioned was how she’d sit with her dad on the porch and watch the sunset. “I’ll tell you what,” her mom replied. “Tonight, I want you to sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. While you’re doing that, I’ll push your dad up to the hospital window and we’ll watch it too.”
Ally’s father pulled through in the end and family life is back to normal. Ally recognizes the significance of that interaction with her mom. How her mom used Appreciative Inquiry to turn a dark situation into a helpful and productive conversation. That moment taught her to live with an appreciative mindset, which she still has to this day.
And you can adopt that mindset too. Through Appreciative Inquiry, you can change the nature of the conversations you have with yourself, your partner, your children, your colleagues, and anyone in your life.
Instead of blaming yourself for not accomplishing something today, ask yourself how you can be more effective tomorrow.
Instead of telling your partner how unhappy you are just watching TV every evening, engage them in a conversation about how much fun you had together when you went out more.
Don’t scold and punish your children for coming home late, tell them that you care about them and ask what it is about the current curfew that makes it so hard to keep.
And just like Alisha, the hospital administrator we talked about in the first chapter, don’t criticize your colleagues for poor performance, ask them to find instances of what works well and focus on that.
We are our interactions. Make sure your conversations are ones worth having.
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Appreciative Inquiry can change your world. Tune in to your unseen influences, positively frame the situation, and ask generative questions to create conversations worth having. You’ll be surprised by the results you get!
And here’s some more actionable advice:
Observe your conversations for a day.
Take a sheet of paper or an index card and label one side “negative” and the other side “positive.” Whenever you have a conversation today, decide if it was appreciative – adding value – or depreciative – devaluing. Put a tick under the appropriate heading, along with a few notes on how you felt during the interaction or what the general tone was.
At the end of the day, reflect on the interactions, and add up the total positive versus negative conversations to make a ratio. If the ratio is less than three positive to one negative conversation, then it’s time to make a change!
April 28, 2023
Transformative. Everyone should give Appreciative Inquiry a shot!
September 12, 2021
I’ve been savoring this book ever since I started reading it - giving myself the time and space to highlight my favorite passages and revisit them as I reflect on my real-life conversations. This magical little read walks readers through positive framing and generative question asking, the two foundational practices that build conversations that spark both meaning and action.
I came away with a better grounding on Appreciative Inquiry and ways to practically implement its’ principles in my everyday. This is a book for anyone wanting to improve the quality of their conversations at home and at work.
I came away with a better grounding on Appreciative Inquiry and ways to practically implement its’ principles in my everyday. This is a book for anyone wanting to improve the quality of their conversations at home and at work.
December 28, 2018
This made me examine the way I enter into conversations in a deeper way. I have been thinking about this a lot as a coach and as a trainer, but this was very good for every conversation.... asking better questions, staying curious. Stuff I knew but was challenged to think about it in a different way. Definitely enjoyed the read.
March 27, 2019
The first few chapters are really quite good. There is little benefit from reading beyond chapter 4 (even chapter 4 should be considered optional). The science is weak, but the ideas make intuitive sense and are consistent with many current theories in human behavior. I found the first three chapters very helpful.
November 23, 2022
One of my favorite books - helpful hints for both work and personal relationships. Recommend again and again for those looking to improve communication and problem solving skills. Also a short read.
September 8, 2024
Read this for a training at the Library of Michigan! Very interesting and helpful.
August 12, 2020
Appreciative inquiry is the new trend in performance improvement and I started this book to help me understand the concept for work. This book really highlights how “deficit” thinking is really inculcated in our culture- everything from love to parenting to work. It shows how we’ve all bought into the superhero myth- we should be good at everything all the time and with a calm, collected composure. It’s exhausting. When we place that expectation on ourselves, the world becomes very negative very quick all the time. I’m particularly prone to this because I am a “fix-it” person. So I’m always looking at things with the first thought of “what’s wrong? How can I fix it?” So much so that I’ve build a career on this skill and a web of co-dependent relationships off it. What attracts me to appreciative inquiry is that it is a strengths based approach (which I’m a huge fan of. If you’re unfamiliar, read strengths finder and everything my Marcus Buckingham and Ben Zander).
I simply find it really difficult to shift my thinking from “what’s wrong” to “what’s right, and how do I get more of that?” I particularly struggle with this in parenting and work. As I’ve implemented some of the reframing with parenting along with the marble jar exercise from Brene Brown, I’ve noticed that for every 1 thing my kids do that need adjustment, they do 5 very kind, considerate things. In fact, it’s hard to keep up with the things they’re doing right! What a revolutionary realization as a parent. Sure enough when I started celebrating their wins, I got more of them. When I started reframing their struggles through their wins (ex you’re struggling with this. How can you apply the awesome way you do Z to how you do Y?) our conversations have gone from punitive to capacity-building.
I’m still trying to find ways to apply it to work and to myself. Overall, this is a great read and will help you consider the underlying assumptions you bring to every situation. Worth it if you’re invested in creating a more compassionate world.
I simply find it really difficult to shift my thinking from “what’s wrong” to “what’s right, and how do I get more of that?” I particularly struggle with this in parenting and work. As I’ve implemented some of the reframing with parenting along with the marble jar exercise from Brene Brown, I’ve noticed that for every 1 thing my kids do that need adjustment, they do 5 very kind, considerate things. In fact, it’s hard to keep up with the things they’re doing right! What a revolutionary realization as a parent. Sure enough when I started celebrating their wins, I got more of them. When I started reframing their struggles through their wins (ex you’re struggling with this. How can you apply the awesome way you do Z to how you do Y?) our conversations have gone from punitive to capacity-building.
I’m still trying to find ways to apply it to work and to myself. Overall, this is a great read and will help you consider the underlying assumptions you bring to every situation. Worth it if you’re invested in creating a more compassionate world.
December 27, 2022
Conversations Worth Having (2018) looks at the power of conversation in our lives and what we can do to communicate more productively at work, in our relationships, and in the community. Drawing on real-life stories and scientifically based theories, it illustrates how we can improve organizations and lives using the principle of Appreciative Inquiry – effective conversation through positive perspective and asking the right questions.
Energize your conversations through Appreciative Inquiry.
Tune in to the type of conversation you’re having.
Appreciative Inquiry can change your world. Tune in to your unseen influences, positively frame the situation, and ask generative questions to create conversations worth having. You’ll be surprised by the results you get!
And here’s some more actionable advice:
Observe your conversations for a day.
Take a sheet of paper or an index card and label one side “negative” and the other side “positive.” Whenever you have a conversation today, decide if it was appreciative – adding value – or depreciative – devaluing. Put a tick under the appropriate heading, along with a few notes on how you felt during the interaction or what the general tone was.
At the end of the day, reflect on the interactions, and add up the total positive versus negative conversations to make a ratio. If the ratio is less than three positive to one negative conversation, then it’s time to make a change!
Energize your conversations through Appreciative Inquiry.
Tune in to the type of conversation you’re having.
Appreciative Inquiry can change your world. Tune in to your unseen influences, positively frame the situation, and ask generative questions to create conversations worth having. You’ll be surprised by the results you get!
And here’s some more actionable advice:
Observe your conversations for a day.
Take a sheet of paper or an index card and label one side “negative” and the other side “positive.” Whenever you have a conversation today, decide if it was appreciative – adding value – or depreciative – devaluing. Put a tick under the appropriate heading, along with a few notes on how you felt during the interaction or what the general tone was.
At the end of the day, reflect on the interactions, and add up the total positive versus negative conversations to make a ratio. If the ratio is less than three positive to one negative conversation, then it’s time to make a change!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 19, 2020
A good read on how to have better conversations in your working life.
The research for the book is cited well, it's easy to go follow up if you are interested.
Great tables on how how to enter conversations in a productive way.
I didn't find the case studies engaging or memorable. They drag on for a while but they do illustrate the point.
There are also a number of nice quotes to start off the chapter. A nice touch.
The research for the book is cited well, it's easy to go follow up if you are interested.
Great tables on how how to enter conversations in a productive way.
I didn't find the case studies engaging or memorable. They drag on for a while but they do illustrate the point.
There are also a number of nice quotes to start off the chapter. A nice touch.
"Your conversations help create your world. Speak of delight, not dissatisfaction. Speak of hope, not despair. Let your words bind up wounds, not cause them."
- Tao Te Ching
April 20, 2022
This is a book worth owning, a book I intend to read over again many times.
What I loved about this book is that the concepts were simple, obviously correct yet I didn’t know it until I read it, and the concepts were easy to practice and get results with right away.
I now recommend this book to all my friends, it is mandatory for everybody in my business and mandatory for my clients.
Everything we say transforms our lives and this who hear us. Will that transformation be positive or negative?
You choice, truly, after you’ve read this book.
Thank you to the authors, my life is better for reading this book.
What I loved about this book is that the concepts were simple, obviously correct yet I didn’t know it until I read it, and the concepts were easy to practice and get results with right away.
I now recommend this book to all my friends, it is mandatory for everybody in my business and mandatory for my clients.
Everything we say transforms our lives and this who hear us. Will that transformation be positive or negative?
You choice, truly, after you’ve read this book.
Thank you to the authors, my life is better for reading this book.
March 17, 2020
This book teaches the technique of positive inquiry which will help managers, parents, and even others not in hierarchical relationships approach difficult conversation topics in a productive way. This is another technique, much like the one in the book on negotiations I just read and like non-violent communication that uses empathy. I wish every parent and boss out there would read this book and commit to using this technique. Being dismissive and making assumptions only damages relationships.
March 13, 2021
At first I found the corporate examples hard to focus on - partly because I am more involved in ethical micro businesses and local community. The lack of a larger ethical focus in the example mission statement would, for me, be de-motivating, but I do appreciate that is because the larger ethics are a big motivator for me, but not necessarily everyone else!
I loved the last chapter - the invitation to start exploring and practicing the concepts today! That did make me want to get stuck right in. So I am!
I loved the last chapter - the invitation to start exploring and practicing the concepts today! That did make me want to get stuck right in. So I am!
January 19, 2020
The overall message of bringing the positive side out of conversations is good and the concrete examples were very helpful as well. The point of making a conversation generative through asking questions to the one you're having a discussion with and giving more focus to the problem and solutions to it rather than blaming someone or pointing out their faults is also a great suggestion. What could be improved in the book are more realistic examples rather than simulated conversations.
February 23, 2021
I finished this book as an audiobook. To make the most of the book via audio I needed to stop and start the audio often to consider and retain the main key messages. The book explains the key themes with good examples. I would have liked the audiobook to include some downloads of the key concepts and messages. As it was I took many notes and did my own mind map of my key take always - now to map my communications and practice the ideas!
June 17, 2020
I found the message both insightful and useful. I also found the book to be long and preachy. Too much tooting its own horn. "Using AI will enhance cooperation, increase productivity, create rainbows, etc." We get it. Its useful.
The psychology within this book makes sense and is genuinely insightful and smart; it just feels smothered at times.
The psychology within this book makes sense and is genuinely insightful and smart; it just feels smothered at times.
July 8, 2022
Killed a good afternoon with the audio book. The theory of appreciative inquiry definitely seems helpful and I can totally acknowledge areas where I could use some reframing of my thoughts. The book was short, but even in its shortness I found it a bit mechanical and repetitive towards the end. Useful ideas none the less.
February 25, 2023
This is an excellent primer on how to engage in a more positive, growth producing conversation whether it be at home, at work, in the community. As a culture, our communication skills are terrible and we are facing the results of not knowing how to proactively, productively, and respectfully discuss matters of importance. This book helps start the journey.
September 5, 2024
Examples abound, and are the best part about this book. It gives readers a way to see how to put theoretical knowledge to practical use. Scenarios vary from a bank going out of business to asking a child about their school day. Anyone can benefit from reading this title and putting appreciative inquiry into practice.
December 31, 2024
3.5 stars — some good content, but it felt like the first third of the book kept repeating why the book was going to be so great and all the things it was going to discuss and then enable… it’s better than reading a bunch of articles, and I’ll probably revisit the latter half, but be forewarned and don’t be afraid to skim the front bit.
October 24, 2025
this book was cute—if it was a food it would be a macaron but like maybe pistachio or dark chocolate flavored to give it a little edge. read this book if you want to be better at helping people via yapping. nothing life changing—it’s mainly just labeling positive reinforcement techniques with Big Fancy Words but it’s lovely!!!
June 7, 2021
This was so helpful to me. I really struggle with exactly the worst case mentality that leads to destructive and critical conversations but I didn't understand how to flip my perspective. The AI process has made that more clear.
July 6, 2022
This book provides practical strategies to have meaningful conversations at the personal, organizational, and system-level. In addition, the book is coupled with real-life examples and common misconceptions.
October 2, 2023
wade thru the intro marketing bs about how many corporations drink the kool-aid. suggestions here for how to communicate productively, gold. unfortunately no silver bullet, you'll need to practice this stuff to make it habit
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