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118 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 3, 2015




‘Dearest—There’s no such thing as coincidences, you always used to say with a laugh when—I told you—how amazed I was at the numbers, names, and places that have recurred over the course of my life—All these years. Well, there may be no such thing as coincidences, but there’s also no such thing as time, right? It’s an invention, a unit of measurement that has been selected from millions of possible ones. You would always laugh when I said: I’ll never forget—I won’t be able to.’
‘Still today, immigrants stick together—I can’t stop thinking about this woman—my nameless great-grandmother, in the sanatorium—locked her up in order to eradicate her presence—Then my mind races to the other side of the ocean to Domenica, an Italo-American forced to move to a country that was not hers—Everything else—pales in comparison against my need to know whether by chance the time we’re living in does not follow a linear path but exists, rather, in an ever-present contemporaneity, where everything is in the here and now, a time frame where what has taken place, takes place, and will take place co-exist.’
‘—we are blind and cannot see, and in order to save ourselves, we forget, we think we are the only thing that is present and important but we are actually no more than the produce of a tree that brings forth throughout the seasons the same and different leaves, the same and different fruit. We bear the marks of the lightning bolt that struck us before we were born, we complete and replicate the design of the women and men who came before us.’
‘Everything is elementary now, completely clear. What we need to do is understand our place in history. These words—there are already too many—My great-grandmother’s name is a secret you keep and that I live in my flesh. We can pretend to choose the right thing, or surrender to the forces that give birth to us and erase us and then bring us back to life. If we don’t do it, you and I, I’m sure our children will weave the threads of this pattern together. I respect the directives of your office. Whatever you decide to do—after listening to this story—will be what was supposed to be, and therefore, whatever happens, I thank you.’
‘I don’t mind anything, Nonna. I really don’t mind anything any longer. Everything feels like a surprise and a gift. When I hear people around me who get upset about trivial little things I think, watch out, let the sleeping dragon lie: it may wake up one day. If I’m overtired, or overwhelmed by the missing voices and faces, then I simply don’t notice what’s going on around me. So, no, I don’t mind anything, ever.’
‘I don’t know anyone who still writes by hand in ink. I wouldn’t know how to. And with those gothic letters they taught you at school when you were little. Altdeutsche Schrift! It’s heartbreaking to imagine how long it must take you to write a letter like that, the tools you must need—the thought of that moves me—I used to spend hours guessing what you had written, to whom. I would conjure up people I didn’t know, people from your life not mine, people you used to write to for hours in silence. Who were you writing to, Nonna?’
‘I know, I told you I’d talk about it when I saw you, but too much time has passed and I feel like new memories are pushing the old ones back, I’m scared that when we meet, I’ll have so many things to tell you that I won’t be able to find the right words for each and every one of them. Words sometimes create a flood, other times they dry up. Or they come too late and are no longer useful to express what they wanted to say. Words are precise mechanisms. In your language, in the language we shared when I was a child, they are perfect interlocking building blocks. But words have their own rhythm, it’s vital to find them at the right time.’
‘There’s no trace of hypocrisy, pretense, or theatrics in the way you are with me inside my story. It is what it is. It is this, the whole thing. It’s as if there were no before or after for you. As if I’ve always been me, in your eyes: me laughing and crying, me and no one else. By the same token, you are still Paola. Identical. If I had to explain what a friend is, I’d say this. A friend is a person for whom nothing changes even when everything has changed. Yes, book the tickets for the concert. Then, if at the last minute we don’t want to go, we can go to the box office and give them to a couple of kids we like the look of, like we did that time in Geneva.’
‘The other thing I wanted to tell you—what is certain is that I’ve never been in love with someone who wasn’t already in love with me: as if that was a necessary precondition, I’m thinking now. A prerequisite. Never unrequited love, ever. When I listen to my friends’ travails, when I read Russian novels and watch American films, I always stop and think: me, in that state, never. Do you remember—senior year? That punk—the school rebel? You didn’t like him at all. But he chose me, out of all the other girls, and I let him choose me. Do you remember—He was so intelligent—we went to the film forum almost every evening—Do you remember Hal, the Irish guy? He was active in politics, he wrote—traveled. All the girls loved him, I don’t know why he chose me. He was a bit boring in domestic life, just so you know: very different to how he looked on the outside. We split up one Sunday morning, when we were still in bed and he was reading a biography of Stalin—He always did what I wanted in the end. He was pretty docile.’
‘Okay,—There’s no such thing as coincidences. You’re right, comme d’habitude. There are desires—passions that carry us along and bind us, designated or invisible routes we follow, tangles—You can be nostalgic about people, not categories. Your Nonna, her and her alone, not grandmothers in general—Absence is a constant presence: it challenges you—hand-to-hand combat—There isn’t a thing, or a person, that can replace someone’s absence. Only dreams—alive and scented—voices, in dreams. I’m delighted when I dream about them.’
‘What does todo cuadra mean? I asked them in slow English. Everything adds up. Todo cuadra—means that in the end everything ends up in its place—He says it even when it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the conversation, but in the end it always does. Todo cuadra. Our letters—I could be just Irina in them, I went back to being Irina and nothing else. I told him about the things I saw, described places, my thoughts, we recommended music and books to read to one another. We never said a thing about the facts. He never asked me. That, Nonna, was when I felt as though life might belong to me again one day. Because, as you know, it hasn’t belonged to me for many years, I haven’t been myself for many years.’
‘And I’m not as beautiful as you were at twenty, when you must have looked like a cloud of lilacs—I’m not as tall as you—I can’t tie my hair up in that bun which, seen from behind, looked like a volcano of whipped cream—Let’s make a pact, do you want to share a secret with me? You’re a wonder of life, Nonna. Ich liebe dich. Te quiero con locura.’
‘I love other people’s children, I have fun with them, they make me laugh and I fall in love with them—There’s something in me of the Irish dancer who left her children behind to emigrate to America. There’s something in me of the American mother whose daughter—was stolen. The distant root of a growing plant. A plant that grows inside me, my roots. My middle name is M—after all. Tell me again about your hunches, about the coincidences—Are we all destined to repeat other lives? Is the task we have been assigned in life to take just one step, perhaps in a circle, or maybe backwards, though it may feel like we’re moving forwards?’
‘We can get away from the place others have allocated to us. Other people are not our destiny. Is that what you mean? You also say—Because there’s no such thing as time. Because violence, love, desire, needs, silence, and words get mixed up. They blend together. Always, almost always. Because you can live without. Seriously, you can. Live with absence. Coexist with it. Because anything can happen to anyone. To you, to me, to anyone. Can we really not predict it, see it, know it? Really?’
‘I look at you, I listen to you, and the light in everything changes. You are the rock of absence. You are its presence. Meanwhile, you smile and talk to me about love. A new love, another love. You describe it. It doesn’t take anything away from the rest. On the contrary: it touches you, it holds you, it accompanies you, it takes the pack off your shoulders when it’s too heavy to walk any further—Searching, traveling, seeing, trying to understand—This is the only thing we can do. Not stopping ourselves, not suppressing our desire, ever. Another step. One meter further. Forgetting and remembering. Letting things out and then bringing them back into your heart.’
‘This is what you say, before putting your things in a bag and setting off again. ‘Love does not forget you, even when you ignore it. It comes back and knocks. If you don’t answer, it will bring you down. You need to harbour a little fear, but most of all you need to show it how brave you are. You need to be there when it calls. You need to be there and take care of it. Only when you let it go freely, will you see it return.’ The mind forgets. The heart does not.’
‘Natalia Reveulta, the woman who loved Fidel Castro before he became Fidel, when she was twenty, in the only interview she ever gave: “It took me my whole life to relocate him from my heart to my mind.” Such a short journey, such a long time. And anyway, something can slip your mind. Once you’ve learned it by heart, though, it never will.’
‘And that enormous elephant right there in the middle. That everyone pretends not to see. They circle around it in a sad do-si-do, dancing from one armchair to another without ever bumping into it, they don’t touch it, they don’t name it, they don’t look up. Even you and I are unable to exchange glances when we’re around the elephant, because our eyes are mirrors reflecting the other’s pain, amplifying it, and the pain grows and grows until it is the only thing left in the room.’
‘I know, their silence is born of the best of intentions. Looking back, I think that in this story everyone has always behaved with the best intentions: even when their actions were incomprehensible and vicious, their intention at the time was always to make things better. Isn’t that awful? It’s incredible how much pain we can inflict, convinced we’re acting for the best. Do you see what I’m saying, Nonna? You always know everything even when you don’t, you hold everything together, even things that are not meant to be held together. There’s no need to explain things to you.’
‘I sometimes think that the fact that I was habituated to violence as an ordinary thing between people—as a way of expressing bonds of love—made it harder for me to recognise abuse as an adult. I’m always dreaming about water, fish, whales. Mostly whales.’
‘I don’t have the strength to deal with other people’s pain. I’ll take my elephant with me—sometimes it turns into a whale in the ocean. I’m leaving for Patagonia—We’re going whale watching. Trekking, climbing to the top of the mountains, walking deep into the woods, sitting at the ocean shore all make me feel happy. Minuscule and at peace—I’ll introduce him to you one day, I’d love to. You’ll like him. He has eyes that laugh and big hands. He can create silence when it’s needed, then he chooses his words, picks them out, and stitches them together like embroidery.’
‘Did I tell you his job is to make cartoons for kids? Did I tell you what he did when I rejected him at first? He gave me an incredible gift—I want to see your—smile while I describe the scene—I’ve been feeling so guilty about being happy again, Nonna. It’s as if everyone has been saying—how can you leave what happened to you behind—fall asleep—How can you still be alive, in short, and still want to be in this world? Shame on you. It’s as if they are saying that I’m dead, too, and that it’s outrageous of me to rebel.’
‘But I’m alive, Nonna, pain on its own doesn’t kill you and I’m still alive. Hence, I have to live, because as long as I’m here, the memory of those who are no longer with us lives on. The memory, alive—in my thoughts. To forget, Nonna. You’ve walked for a century and you know that nothing is ever forgotten. Every minute of our being revolves around something that no longer exists so that something else can take place. We need fear in order to be brave. Absence is the true measure of presence. The gauge of its value and power.’
‘I love you, Nonna—I think of our secrets,—I think of you as my home, my family. Everything was still to come, back then. And yet, much must still happen now. You’re still there, I’m still here. I’ll be back with pictures of whales to show you, I’ll tell you about the sounds they make, because whales sing, you know? I’m so sorry not to be with you for Christmas but I’m happy to be able to promise you I’ll be happy. Even when I cry, which of course I will, as I do every holiday—I’d like you to feel my joy. To try and stroke the pink elephant when everyone else snubs it, I’d like you to whisper in its ear—We’ll lead it away from that place, we’ll set it free, we’ll go and see it every day but it will never be held captive again. Tell it that, Nonna. I love you. Merry Christmas.’