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182 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2004
"why do things have to be this way? i returned to puerto rico convinced that i would be able to do something. esteves's death has made me see that my commitment has been basically half-assed. i've preferred to create a bunker: work, family, a routine, an exhibit here and there, a few books no one reads. but in reality i have never been happy and am afraid to face the bigger void that surrounds my little hole. so as not to see it, so as not to feel it, i've been willing, like esteves, to drown myself, to leave behind a box of messy and useless papers. i am, after all, like many others: a career of frustration and isolation, a numbing habit of living from day to day. i have known how to hide it from myself for many years. i probably wouldn't have been able to stand this lucidity."