Emotionally Resilient Tweens and Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion

by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa

Essential reading for parents of grade schoolers through teens experiencing bullying, social exclusion, and teasing—with uplifting stories from young adults who have navigated those experiences and triumphed.

The tween and teen years are rife with intense social challenges in school, friendships, sports, and other activities where instances of teasing, bullying, social exclusion and marginalization are unfortunately all too common. Social media has only made this behavior easier and more insidious. But when kids ages 9 and up can be coached by a parent to respond effectively, manage their emotions in social situations, and recognize their own self-worth, they can reclaim a sense of their own power and develop skills like resilience, social and emotional intelligence and compassion for life.

Kim John Payne, a leading education consultant and parenting expert, and Luis Fernando Llosa, a writer and longtime sports coach, offer guidance and practical advice to parents, along with ten inspirational stories in the voice of young adults who have navigated bullying, teasing and social exclusion—and triumphed. The Emotionally Resilient Child gives tweens and teens the tools to address the problem themselves and develop mastery over the situation—rather than having parents step in and try to "fix" things. This book also gives parents vital proactive strategies to help build strong family relationships, trust and connection, so that kids can be better prepared for the inevitable social challenges life brings.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Childrens, Book Club

296 pages, Paperback

Published August 9, 2022

About the author

A consultant and trainer to 250 U.S. independent and public schools and school districts, Kim John Payne, M.Ed., has been a school and family counselor for more than thirty years. He has also consulted for clinics, training centers, and educational associations in South Africa, Hungary, Israel, Russia, Ireland, Switzerland, Germany, Australia, the United Kingdom, and Canada. He has served as the project director of the Collaborative Counseling Program at Antioch University and the co-director of an extensive research program on a drug-free approach to attention-priority issues. He is the director of the Simplicity Parenting Project and the Center for Social Sustainability and has worked extensively with the American and U.K. Waldorf movements. The author of Games Children Play, Simplicity Parenting, and Beyond Winning, he lives with his wife and two children in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Reviews

[Rochelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will read anything Kim John Payne writes. I have followed his parenting books since my children were toddlers, and now that they are tweens and teens this book could not be more timely for me. What I love about Kim John Payne’s writing style is that he engages you from the beginning, his writing is clear, concise, easy to understand and put into practice. I feel that sometimes parenting books fall short on giving you tools to implement in everyday life. You often leave a book and don’t know how to put it into practice. Kim John Payne always has more than enough examples and scripts so that you can feel
confident putting things into practice. I love that you can choose scenarios that work for you and practice them confidently. I know will be coming back to this book over the next few years as I raise my tweens and teens.

[Sarah Boyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book after listening to a podcast with the authors. The book has a unique structure that was unexpected but helpful. The first, short part of the text features strategies and descriptions of dealing with our teens. The second, longer portion of the text are life stories of teens who overcame various stressors or bullying. The idea is to identify your child in the story and identify how they overcame. Older youth could also read the stories and discuss. I did find this part helpful but would have appreciated more content, too.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you @netgalley and Shambhala Publications for the advanced readers copy of this book!

PUB DATE: August 9, 2022

I was originally drawn to this book as a teacher who works with tweens, as well as a parent who will eventually have tweens/teens. A ton happens emotionally and developmentally during this time frame, and it can be an extremely formative time frame. I appreciated how this novel drew from individuals (now college-aged) who experienced challenges with bullying, social exclusion, and/or teasing during their tween/teen years.

I’m not going to lie, at times it felt extremely cookie cutter (for example, the dialogue between parent and child felt too scripted), but otherwise I was able to pull out quite a few strategies for how to approach socially challenging situations as a parent and educator. I liked the slight variety in scenarios; you could easily pick up this book and use whatever scenario is most applicable to your current situation. I did find some were very similar to each other, which could feel redundant at times.

One thing I did not agree with was the author’s statement that kids now a days use the term “bullying” very seriously. From my personal experience, I have noticed the opposite. I have had many conversations and lessons on what is the difference between being rude/nasty, mean, hurtful, and what is bullying. I have many students who yell “they’re bullying me” when one mean comment is said to them. Yet that is just my personal experience.
3.5 rounded to 4.

[Shanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Admittedly I am not the target audience for this book, but I heard Kim John Payne speak on a podcast and liked what he said enough to grab this. The interviewer kept saying how this was really about "life skills" more than just adolescent ones, and who doesn't want to be more emotionally resilient? In the end, though, I have mixed feelings. The main takeaway from this book, which is an easy read, mostly personal stories, is that if someone's bullying or teasing or excluding you, you shouldn't react or, if you do, it should be laughing it off or saying "you can say that if you want to" with a shrug. Good coping tip but hardly the root of all the emotional issues underneath, especially as you get older (see "Anatomy of the Soul").

[Summer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a unique parenting book. I feel like every other book I've read focuses on what parents and educators should do in order to maintain order and keep bullying to a minimum. That's definitely good stuff to know but the picture is incomplete without real advice to give to real kids.

My mom would HATE this book. If she heard that someone told a kid to make a joke or be sarcastic she would DIE. She feels very strongly that everyone should be using I-statements and reflective listening.

But this is exactly the kind of thing that worked for me and my son. A little self effacing humor... A well-placed but lighthearted insult... the occasional eye roll... these are the tools that I personally found to be more useful than "tell the teacher"

This is not the book for all circumstances. If a kid is REALLY being BULLIED, this isn't going to be the right approach. But if you've got a basically typical kid dealing with your average school environment, this will be useful.

[Kateryna Maw · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing, well-written, actionable and must-have-on-the-shelf type of book! I gained so much insight into bullying (aka hyper-controlling behavior)! As a child growing up, I didn't have the same issues but it's so vital to know as a parent now and HOW to deal with it if it happens to our kids! This book is fabulous because even a child can read a story, find themselves in the story and try taking steps to illeviate the issue.

The metamorphosis happens when the child can solve the situation with parental guidance that is not blameful in nature (secretly, our kids might want so badly to be friends with bullies). I learned that it is so important to create a safe harbor for our kids where we (parents) control our emotions and do not make kids' situation even worse (e.g., calling the school to set up a meeting)!

This book is a toolkit that should be revisited for guidance by all parents!

[Sarah Wilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Simply okay. It just didn’t seem as well put together as his other books which I LOVED. It also was very much geared towards kids in public/private/full time school and have smartphones - neither of which apply to our family which made it harder to relate to the book. It definitely had good nuggets of wisdom in it, and I definitely wouldn’t characterize it as bad…just not very helpful to us in our current stage of life as a family. In comparison with his other books, this book is more targeted towards a very specific niche/type of family, and we don’t fit in the categories targeted.

[Kaysie Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t read the subtitle before reading this book but I’m glad I didn’t because I’m not sure that I would have chose to read it. My kids are homeschooled so they don’t have to deal too much with bullying, teasing, or social exclusion. However, I think this is a must read for most parents, maybe even more so when your kids are in school. I think the tips and stories should be things that are shared with every human because I’m pretty sure I’d deal with the situation wrongly before reading this book.

[Denise Morse · Rating 3 out of 5]

An important book for helping not just your tween and teen get through the rough years but also how to act yourself. I want to jump in and solve their problems for them but that will not help them learn and grow into strong adults. I think the book was repetitive but by design so the message sinks in. I dont recommend reading it in one sitting but over time as the issues arise and when you can talk about it with your kids.

[Jeannie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can't get past chapter 6, that advises kids to just laugh along with bullies and agree with the cruel things that are being said about them. Certainly there is a better way to handle that situation, because that seems like the child being bullied is just inflicting additional pain on himself, and the poor kid is reinforcing the idea in his brain that the things the bullies say are true. Is that all the better we can do for our children?

[Abby · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book mostly deals with a fairly narrow set of teen experiences, mostly different variations on kids dealing with teasing and bullying by peers. Certainly relevant, but not as far-reaching or universally applicable as the title would suggest. I appreciate the storytelling approach, but the overall message here is that things get better with the passage of time. Comforting, but not really ground-breaking, and not a lot of practical ideas for parents, IMO.

[Allison · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was okay. I didn't learn a whole lot and I didn't love the format. It was not what I expected. But that's my perspective and my take- it was written well enough and could indeed truly be helpful for someone, I do recognize that in it; I just didn't find anything new in it for me to take away and so it was not worth my time.

[Shaina Laberge · Rating 4 out of 5]

The chapters had some longer examples of different kinds of bullying which I didn't enjoy as much. From my experience this book was good to take notes from for when my kids are older in case they experience bullying. If someone has children actively being bullied I'd definitely recommend this book.

[Sarah Street · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kim John Payne is a gem. I appreciate how clear and concise his parenting advice is. This book is really geared towards bullying & social exclusion (and most of the text is using "case study" style examples), but the first part of the book has some general information about emotional resilience that I found to be particularly great and universal to experiences beyond bullying.

[Mary Torpey · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. I would give it three if it weren't 220 pages of first-person stories that young people are supposed to read and draw inspiration from packaged with 60 pages of advice to parents. It's an odd balance for something marketed as a parenting book.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for parents, teachers and kids. I wish this book had been written 6-7 years ago when I was teaching, or 30 years ago when I was a kid. I'm glad to have it on my shelf now that I'm a parent. Great read with great advice.

[Angie Wiggins · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first section was great and the concept us cool - to read the stories of others resilience and their strategies. But the stories are just too long for my kids. My boys listened to one but no more.

[Brendan Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very solid and immediately practical. Very interesting approach in presenting stories for the child to read themselves as a way of helping them deal with particularly scenarios. The trick will be in getting the child to read it in my case, should the need arise.

[Lauren Borres · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was made up of true life stories about being bullied. I found it beneficial to learn what they did to stop the bullying. I hope that I don't have to use any of the examples with my kids but I will have them if I need to.

[Nicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Part 1 is great and includes super helpful perspectives parents and educators should consider. I personally didn’t find the 10 testimonials very helpful.

[Krista Cavalieri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the stories from the kids' perspectives to be really insightful and helpful. I've already talked to my daughter about some of the techniques.

[Cate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful. I'm keeping this in my back pocket as a parent to help with any future bullying scenarios and also just to help my kid navigate his social world successfully as he grows.