Always Too Soon: Voices of Support for Those Who Have Lost Both Parents

by Allison Gilbert, Allison Gilbert

While the death of a parent is always painful, losing both is life-altering. When author Allison Gilbert lost both parents at age 32, she could not find any books that spoke to her with the same level of compassion and reassurance that she found in the support group she belonged to, so she decided to write one of her own. The result is a sensitive and candid portrayal of loss that brings together experiences from famous and ordinary grief-stricken sons and daughters that explores the regrets, heartache and sometimes, relief, that accompanies pain and healing.
Always Too Soon provides a range of intimate conversations with those — famous and not — who have lost both parents, providing readers with a source of comfort and inspiration as they learn to negotiate their new place in the world. Contributors include Hope Edelman, Geraldine Ferraro, Dennis Franz, Barbara Ehrenreich, Yogi Berra, Rosanne Cash, and Ice-T, as well as those who lost parents to the Oklahoma City bombing, the World Trade Center bombings, drunk driving, and more.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Death, Essays, Memoir

200 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2006

About the author

Allison Gilbert is an Emmy Award-winning journalist, contributor to the New York Times, and one of the most influential writers and speakers on life’s deepest challenges. She is co-author with the late Dr. Ruth Westheimer of The Joy Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life.

Allison is the author of numerous critically-acclaimed books, including Passed and Present, Always Too Soon, and Parentless Parents, each inspired by the early deaths of her parents from cancer. For Listen, World!, her co-authored biography of Hearst syndicated newspaper columnist Elsie Robinson, she won the 2023 Northern California Book Award.

Nearly killed by falling debris covering the 2001 terrorist attacks, she is co-editor of Covering Catastrophe: Broadcast Journalists Report September 11 and host of “Women Journalists of 9/11: Their Stories,” a 20-part documentary series produced in collaboration with the National September 11 Memorial & Museum.

Reviews

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chose to read this book a year after my mother passed away...my father had already been gone 20+ years. This book helped me to realize that everyone experiences grief in their own time and own way, but there are some similarities. I especially identified with the feeling of being an "orphan" once they were both gone. And needing to find new ways to connect with others...Mom had always been my extended family connection. Mostly it helped me realize that everything I've experienced in the past year was normal and ok. The only way thru the grief is thru the grief...every sad day, every tear moves you closer to dealing with the loss. "Coping with the loss of my parents is like having a low-grade fever: It is ever present, but easily managed by a change in scenery or a good cry. Perhaps I should be happy with this persistent pain. If I didn't have it, it would surely mean I didn't love them as much as I did." pg. 23

[Tonya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this collection of stories very poignant and moving. The author collected stories and observations from those who have lost both sets of parents at different stages of life. I lost my Dad to lung cancer when I was 36 and my Mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's the following year. She is still alive, but is not always able to recognize us anymore. Some of the stories struck a chord with the emotions I've felt and been unable to express on my own. I would recommend this novel to anyone who has lost their parents.

[Shannon White · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who has lost both parents, this is a must read. There was so much that I wanted to highlight and share to help explain to others how I feel. It’s cathartic to read words that say exactly how you feel or have felt.

[Ashley Lanigan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was told to read this after we lost our dad this month, it was a shock, unexpected and he was only 53. I think it’s helpful to read what others have experienced, for me I read this “too soon” and I felt as though if you’ve only lost one parent than this book is almost demeaning towards your loss.

[Lynde · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. Is like going to group therapy. Nothing incredibly revealing. A reminder we are not alone.

[Kimberly Mackowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

It never hurts to know your experience is not the only one. How we experience trauma, death, grief, and healing binds us together as humans. It also helps to know that we can come through these trials to better days and deeper meaning. Definitely a worthy read.

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I became an adult orphan last summer, I was confronted with a 'problem' so huge that I did not know how to even take the first step toward 'solving' it. The problem was: my parents were dead. The people I loved so very, very much and who held the keys to my life story and to my heart -- were gone. It was (and remains) a situation that I found to be intolerable and unbelievable (even though it is not exactly a surprise that parents eventually die.) In what has to be a reflexive response in me -- a lifetime reader -- I turned to books and I have begun a reading journey about parental loss.

I am sure the topic is tedious and depressing to anyone who has not yet confronted this loss. I blame no one who is not sitting in the Adult Orphan Train for skipping over these titles and the accompanying reviews. You will get to them eventually and I recommend later rather than sooner.

For those of us who are 'here', there is a level of comfort to be gained in meeting and hearing from others who are living with this pain and forging onward. I have met these people in real life and I am also 'meeting' them through the pages of these books. When my mom died...3 weeks after my father...I realized that: A. I have never felt so alone and vulnerable in my life. and that B. Countless billions have already gone through this loss. In the larger sense, I (and my sister) are far from being 'alone'. It is an odd paradox.

Some of the multitude of adult orphans are, of course, 'people of note'. In this compendium, the author has interviewed various people who are celebrated in public life about the loss of their parents. It is interesting to hear from a variety of noted people from various walks of life who are living with the loss of their parents. As in the stories I hear from people in 'real life' -- these contributors have wildly different experiences with loss and also in the relationships they had with their parents. Some of them had distant or troubled relationships with their mom or dad...but still they grieve. Some lost their parents quite young and have had many years to work through the event...but still they grieve. Some lost their parents many years apart and others lost them simultaneously...and still they grieve. Some lost their parents to the standard diseases of old age. Others lost their parents to accidents, terror attacks or murder-suicides. They all grieve.

They all grieve a little differently and they all turn to different support systems. Some turn to surviving family members, others turn to religion, and others turn to creative outlets. Always Too Soon basically reinforces the idea that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to work through loss.

I found this book to be less helpful as a 'you might be experiencing this and it is normal' sort of self help book and more of a browsing book. It is a good book to have for a daily meditation type of exercise. Each essay can be read quickly in a matter of a few minutes. Each gives the reader some ideas to ponder for that moment.

I would encourage Adult Orphans to do some reading...which leads to contemplation and processing. It does seem to help. At life's loneliest times there is comfort in hearing the supportive voices of others who have experienced loneliness in a similar way.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this in the spring, a time both beautiful and sad for me, since both of my parents passed away (17 years apart) in this otherwise hopeful season of the earth's renewal. Reading the experiences of others has always helped me make sense of my own and reminded me that, however alone I might sometimes feel, I am not. This book became a kind of portable support group, with each narrator simply saying,in essence, "This is how it was for me, this is what I felt and the meaning I drew from it," without any other discussion or psychological posturing. When I felt sad, I would pick up the book and read one of the narratives inside, then go on with my day. By the time spring was turning into summer, the wheel of my emotions had turned, also, and life went on with gladness (which was, I think, the intent and vision of this book).

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book presents a pretty simple concept... ask a variety of people who have lost both parents in one way or another, at a variety of ages, to answer some consistent survey questions. Feeling the need to more adequately address this in my own life, losing my dad at 2 and my mom at 20 and a brother and sister as well, I found that reading other people's experiences and verbalizing of feelings really helped me think of things that maybe I'd felt but hadn't been able to express.

There is no pushing towards the best way to deal with grief like this -- the writers really present every conceivable angle as they are very different personalities -- but you can sympathize really well even if you think someone is making a mistake. It's a sad book but a necessary one and I'm thankful to have come across it.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though I lost my parents a while ago, I wasn't really at peace with their deaths. This book gave me perspective on my feelings and helped me see that everyone experiences the loss of parents differently. I found similarities to the experiences of others as well. Many people miss being able to share important experiences with their parents. It's also hard losing parts of your family history. The book is an easy read and helpful to those dealing with the loss of parents.

[Nita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't find this book as helpful as I hoped I would. Unfortunately I've already returned it to the library so I can't find the exact quote or who it was that said it, but I think it was Mariel Hemingway. She talked about being an orphan and finally realizing that you had to grow up. That line was a sweet drink of water that made all the essays worth reading.

[Tia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. I got it right after my father passed away. I would recomend this book to anyone who has lost any family memeber. It has opened my eyes to much better was of handling a death in my family. It has all different stories of famous people such as Ice Tea.This book is very inspiring and can help out anyone struggling with a death in their family.

[Mary Kruft · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've lost both parents, you need to read this book. It gives you so many different perspectives on how different every "adult orphan's" situation is, but in the end, we all share similar feelings. Very well done

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book because it gave me people I could identify with and not feel so alone, since most my age still have at least one of their parents. I appreciated the fact that not every person's story was sugar coated, some were brutally honest about their parents not being perfect.

[Danielle Harmon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book that I bought for my mother-in-law and for a friend who have both lost both of their parents recently. Moving stories...

[Joshunda Sanders · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was excellent. Ice-T was a surprising inclusion. Rosanne Cash had a wonderful, poignant essay about mourning her famous father privately.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really appreciated this book. I'm going to have to purchase it. Will be a "go to" book for me whenever I'm having a pity party for myself.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm so thankful to the author of Always Too Soon for these touching and cathartic stories. I loved hearing from so many different points of view on how such heartbreaking situations were handled.

[Dreamer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for feeling less alone if you've lost both parents.

[Beth Harper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very comforting, especially to see the different way people grieve.

[Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone who has lost both parents---no matter what age who are.