What do you think?
Rate this book
Setting Boundaries
Setting Boundaries is not just about saying 'no'.
It is about pursuing the things that set our soul on fire, loving deeply without losing ourselves, and better resisting the demands and expectations of others.
Dr Rebecca Ray, Australian clinical psychologist and author, shows how boundaries are the key to many of the emotional and practical difficulties we encounter in daily life.
Many of us, raised to be people-pleasers, find ourselves giving in to draining colleagues, friends, partners and relatives.
In Setting Boundaries, Dr Ray shares science-based advice and tools to help you:
- identify your boundaries and when they have been crossed
- recognise the patterns and habits that have failed to support you to feel empowered
- engage in difficult conversations from a place of strength and self-kindness
- set clear, intentional boundaries and become your most loving, fulfilled and authentic self.
Accessible, inspiring and deeply practical, Setting Boundaries ignites us to rethink our relationships, reclaim our lives and protect our mental health and wellbeing.
It is about pursuing the things that set our soul on fire, loving deeply without losing ourselves, and better resisting the demands and expectations of others.
Dr Rebecca Ray, Australian clinical psychologist and author, shows how boundaries are the key to many of the emotional and practical difficulties we encounter in daily life.
Many of us, raised to be people-pleasers, find ourselves giving in to draining colleagues, friends, partners and relatives.
In Setting Boundaries, Dr Ray shares science-based advice and tools to help you:
- identify your boundaries and when they have been crossed
- recognise the patterns and habits that have failed to support you to feel empowered
- engage in difficult conversations from a place of strength and self-kindness
- set clear, intentional boundaries and become your most loving, fulfilled and authentic self.
Accessible, inspiring and deeply practical, Setting Boundaries ignites us to rethink our relationships, reclaim our lives and protect our mental health and wellbeing.
Unknown Binding
First published May 1, 2022
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 59 reviews
July 18, 2021
I couldn’t put this book down! It arrived at the perfect time and has so much good information about boundary setting and also how to deal with the consequences as well. I’m sure I’ll be re-reading many times as I practise!
April 26, 2023
They should make this a high school text book. Could have saved me years of grief if I had read such a practical book earlier in my life. This book lays out complex ideas in an easy to understand manner and has practical tools to use.
July 11, 2021
‘My mind rarely gives me just one thought at a time. For maximum effect, it floods me with thoughts that will press my buttons. The problem is that they get in the way of the boundaries I set for myself around time for self-care. If I listened to these thoughts, they urge me to work more, rest less, and take zero time out to look after myself because, ‘I have too much to do!’ But these thoughts are old.’
Most people don’t necessarily have trouble setting up boundaries but it becomes more difficult when it comes to enforcing them for your own sanity. You know what you like, you know what’s good for you … you also know the ways your energy gets drained. This is the reason I turned to this book - to understand, to trust my instincts and listen to that inner voice that would lead me in the right direction.
‘We have evolved to listen to our minds as though they speak the whole truth all the time. But minds can be a little prone to melodrama, and occasionally create a picture of reality that’s not entirely accurate.’
It is not just about saying ‘no’ - there is so much more to it. In today’s world we are faced with so many personal and professional demands and time is precious. If you are not careful you will face exhaustion at best and become lost at worst. This book is about finding ways to reclaim your time and energy that promote your values and long term goals.
‘Setting boundaries requires us to be vulnerable - which is uncomfortable. To draw circles of empowerment around ourselves, and to respect the circles other people draw around themselves, we need to find a way through the feely stuff, to live in the deep end of life. It’s here we get to explore life in its entirety, rather than avoiding it for the illusion of comfort in the shallow end.’
Setting Boundaries helps by providing both the theory and practice in regaining equilibrium and establishing your wellbeing as a central focus. When the everyday situations and interactions become draining, it is time to return to your valued boundaries. Identify them, know them and understand that they are key to your mental health. Learning to become more mindful rather than mindlessly partaking in something knowing that it is not for you.
‘There’s no shortage of information about what boundaries are. But it’s more difficult to find strategies that can help you communicate and reinforce your boundaries - especially when it makes you feel anxious, guilty, frustrated that you’re not being heard, or overwhelmed by a potentially unpleasant reaction. I want you to learn how to empower yourself with boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, so that you can live unapologetically and authentically.’
This is a book that provides practical guidance when working with your personal boundaries and how to both promote and protect them whilst living with the demands of society. Embrace the life you want without being overwhelmed by emotions and situations that drain your energy. This life is not just about surviving but living - rewrite your script, define those boundaries, live the life you want and those that love you will both understand and support you.
‘At the end of the day (and at the end of your days), you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these personal resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person, and that you are respected by others while doing so.’
This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.
Most people don’t necessarily have trouble setting up boundaries but it becomes more difficult when it comes to enforcing them for your own sanity. You know what you like, you know what’s good for you … you also know the ways your energy gets drained. This is the reason I turned to this book - to understand, to trust my instincts and listen to that inner voice that would lead me in the right direction.
‘We have evolved to listen to our minds as though they speak the whole truth all the time. But minds can be a little prone to melodrama, and occasionally create a picture of reality that’s not entirely accurate.’
It is not just about saying ‘no’ - there is so much more to it. In today’s world we are faced with so many personal and professional demands and time is precious. If you are not careful you will face exhaustion at best and become lost at worst. This book is about finding ways to reclaim your time and energy that promote your values and long term goals.
‘Setting boundaries requires us to be vulnerable - which is uncomfortable. To draw circles of empowerment around ourselves, and to respect the circles other people draw around themselves, we need to find a way through the feely stuff, to live in the deep end of life. It’s here we get to explore life in its entirety, rather than avoiding it for the illusion of comfort in the shallow end.’
Setting Boundaries helps by providing both the theory and practice in regaining equilibrium and establishing your wellbeing as a central focus. When the everyday situations and interactions become draining, it is time to return to your valued boundaries. Identify them, know them and understand that they are key to your mental health. Learning to become more mindful rather than mindlessly partaking in something knowing that it is not for you.
‘There’s no shortage of information about what boundaries are. But it’s more difficult to find strategies that can help you communicate and reinforce your boundaries - especially when it makes you feel anxious, guilty, frustrated that you’re not being heard, or overwhelmed by a potentially unpleasant reaction. I want you to learn how to empower yourself with boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, so that you can live unapologetically and authentically.’
This is a book that provides practical guidance when working with your personal boundaries and how to both promote and protect them whilst living with the demands of society. Embrace the life you want without being overwhelmed by emotions and situations that drain your energy. This life is not just about surviving but living - rewrite your script, define those boundaries, live the life you want and those that love you will both understand and support you.
‘At the end of the day (and at the end of your days), you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these personal resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person, and that you are respected by others while doing so.’
This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.
November 17, 2021
I'm not in the habit of reviewing books that I read for work, but every so often one comes along that I think is useful. My criteria for 'useful' is a book that's written in a straightforward, easy to understand style; that has its basis in science (yes, there are plenty of 'spiritual' self-help books available but I find they're only 'useful' for a small audience at a very specific time in their lives); that presents information in multiple ways (think diagrams, case studies, check-lists, and practice exercises); and is one that you might revisit.
Setting Boundaries by Rebecca Ray fits the criteria.
Ray explores the ways in which people establish, maintain and strengthen their personal boundaries. She defines boundaries as '...circles of preservation, protection and personal empowerment that you draw around yourself'. In other words, personal boundaries articulate our limits and without them, we'd be constantly at the beck and call of others.
Ray provides a structured approach to understanding boundaries and includes exercises and self-reflection tasks. For this reason, it's a book that would be best to work through relatively slowly, testing and putting things into practice as you go. That said, there are plenty of gems peppered throughout which you're likely to latch on to, such as -
and
One of the common misconceptions about boundaries is that they are 'selfish', or 'aggressive', and are focused on saying 'no'. Ray highlights that in fact, boundaries are the most helpful form of communication you can offer to another person - they allow us to give direct instructions about needs and limits, rather than expecting others to be mind-readers.
I enjoyed Ray's incorporation of the neuro-science associated with boundaries, particularly that in understanding and knowing our self-worth, we create a foundation for healthy boundaries. Ray explores 'worthiness' within the context of 'biological' pull -
Of course, this is all good in theory and much harder to actually do (and sustain). Although some of Ray's suggested affirmations and exercises struck me as slightly simplistic, lots of valuable work starts with awareness. So, next time you feel a little resentful or frustrated by someone else's behaviour, it's a reminder to review your boundaries.
3.5/5 Lots to work with.
I received my copy of Setting Boundaries from the publisher, Pan Macmillan, via NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.
Setting Boundaries by Rebecca Ray fits the criteria.
Ray explores the ways in which people establish, maintain and strengthen their personal boundaries. She defines boundaries as '...circles of preservation, protection and personal empowerment that you draw around yourself'. In other words, personal boundaries articulate our limits and without them, we'd be constantly at the beck and call of others.
Ray provides a structured approach to understanding boundaries and includes exercises and self-reflection tasks. For this reason, it's a book that would be best to work through relatively slowly, testing and putting things into practice as you go. That said, there are plenty of gems peppered throughout which you're likely to latch on to, such as -
Your resentment is showing you that your boundaries are being crossed.
and
You will always receive the greatest resistance to your boundaries from those who profit from you having none.
One of the common misconceptions about boundaries is that they are 'selfish', or 'aggressive', and are focused on saying 'no'. Ray highlights that in fact, boundaries are the most helpful form of communication you can offer to another person - they allow us to give direct instructions about needs and limits, rather than expecting others to be mind-readers.
I enjoyed Ray's incorporation of the neuro-science associated with boundaries, particularly that in understanding and knowing our self-worth, we create a foundation for healthy boundaries. Ray explores 'worthiness' within the context of 'biological' pull -
We fixate on the measurement of worthiness as if it were tied to our very survival - because once upon a time it was. Access to protection, resources and connectedness depended on our ancestors contributing, fitting in, and not compromising the safety of the clan at large. Our current culture is a product of our need to belong to each other, and it uses measurement of worthiness for grading how well we're doing at being human.
Of course, this is all good in theory and much harder to actually do (and sustain). Although some of Ray's suggested affirmations and exercises struck me as slightly simplistic, lots of valuable work starts with awareness. So, next time you feel a little resentful or frustrated by someone else's behaviour, it's a reminder to review your boundaries.
3.5/5 Lots to work with.
I received my copy of Setting Boundaries from the publisher, Pan Macmillan, via NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.
January 26, 2023
Absolutely loved reading through this book. I took my time to read through this and process each chapter. It’s a lot of information, but easily digestible and written in simple language. I usually don’t read self-help books, but I enjoyed this one.
Talked about boundaries - how to determine your own boundaries and how to set boundaries with others; inner self - our own thoughts, ways we protect ourselves from discomfort; self-regulation - regulating our thoughts and emotions.
I am someone who struggles with creating healthy boundaries with other people. I think this was an important reset for me, and a reminder that I am allowed to put myself first.
Great way to start of 2023.
Talked about boundaries - how to determine your own boundaries and how to set boundaries with others; inner self - our own thoughts, ways we protect ourselves from discomfort; self-regulation - regulating our thoughts and emotions.
I am someone who struggles with creating healthy boundaries with other people. I think this was an important reset for me, and a reminder that I am allowed to put myself first.
Great way to start of 2023.
August 4, 2021
I feel I’ll be referring back to this book a lot as I move forward on my journey. Clear, concise advice that makes you stop and really think about your relationships, plus the courage to stay true to your authentic self!
April 7, 2022
Some great practical advice and I like the idea of an inner leader but all the other inner selves got a tad confusing and repetative for me. This book did give me the little push I needed to say NO more often and to not be such a people pleaser any more.
November 21, 2024
I have learnt a lot around boundaries, boundary settings, my inner leader, protective self, and myself in general. This book has also shown me the things I am currently doing well. However, there is room for improvement in some areas.
March 25, 2025
This book is such a practical toolkit and guide for setting boundaries, I genuinely feel more equipped to set and maintain and adjust boundaries when needed. I like the use weaving in examples through stories as well was straightforward prompts, reflection and actions.
November 4, 2025
Definitely a few ‘Ah Hah’ moments. Provides some great perspective changers and graphics and healthy advice.
February 8, 2022
- thanks to @macmillanaus for my #gifted copy
I did not know I needed this book so much in my life until I finished reading it. I seldom write or highlight my physical books, but I couldn't help annotating so much on the margins of this one while I was reading it, highlighting passages that I know I will come back to in the future.
Setting Boundaries is divided into three sections -or pillars- where the author delves into different aspects of boundaries: inner leadership, self-acceptance and rules of engagement. At the beginning and during the first section, I must admit that I was not too convinced about what I was reading. I mean, with a history of over six years of therapy in my life, I thought I had heard it all about setting boundaries. But, alas, I was wrong.
The more I read and understood where the author was going, the more everything made sense, especially that first section that initially did not feel too compelling. In fact, I found myself going back and rereading passages from the first section while connecting ideas, reflecting and trying on the exercises the author proposes.
I was also impressed by how relatable this book was, even when the author shares other people's experiences that might not resonate much with my personal experiences. I truly enjoyed getting access to invaluable information and examples of what being human looks like and how, ultimately, we are all here trying our best, learning every day. It was relieving and reassuring to read, again and again, that even though things go wrong and we make mistakes, we can truly learn from those experiences without the automatically assigned guilt.
Thanks to her straightforward, concise and entertaining writing style, all the priceless lessons and recommendations Dr Ray shares in her book are effortless to absorb. Although she delves into challenging issues that might be difficult to read, she does so with humour and constant positive and comforting vibes.
Overall, Setting Boundaries is a must-read for every single human out there trying to cope with our inner and outer lives. 100% recommended.
I did not know I needed this book so much in my life until I finished reading it. I seldom write or highlight my physical books, but I couldn't help annotating so much on the margins of this one while I was reading it, highlighting passages that I know I will come back to in the future.
Setting Boundaries is divided into three sections -or pillars- where the author delves into different aspects of boundaries: inner leadership, self-acceptance and rules of engagement. At the beginning and during the first section, I must admit that I was not too convinced about what I was reading. I mean, with a history of over six years of therapy in my life, I thought I had heard it all about setting boundaries. But, alas, I was wrong.
The more I read and understood where the author was going, the more everything made sense, especially that first section that initially did not feel too compelling. In fact, I found myself going back and rereading passages from the first section while connecting ideas, reflecting and trying on the exercises the author proposes.
I was also impressed by how relatable this book was, even when the author shares other people's experiences that might not resonate much with my personal experiences. I truly enjoyed getting access to invaluable information and examples of what being human looks like and how, ultimately, we are all here trying our best, learning every day. It was relieving and reassuring to read, again and again, that even though things go wrong and we make mistakes, we can truly learn from those experiences without the automatically assigned guilt.
Thanks to her straightforward, concise and entertaining writing style, all the priceless lessons and recommendations Dr Ray shares in her book are effortless to absorb. Although she delves into challenging issues that might be difficult to read, she does so with humour and constant positive and comforting vibes.
Overall, Setting Boundaries is a must-read for every single human out there trying to cope with our inner and outer lives. 100% recommended.
July 11, 2021
Fantastic book. Readable, with plenty of tips, tricks and examples of setting boundaries, engaging in difficult conversations and becoming more empowered in our day to day life. I definitely recommend this book to all! Thanks to NetGalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
July 18, 2026
Dr Rebecca Ray explains boundary setting with scientific evidence but simplified it to help appeal to a wider audience. I appreciate the “boundary boosters” which invite the readers to reflect on areas where they may be struggling in their life. Although the information was rather generic and did not provide anything ground-breaking/state something that I had not already been made aware of, it was still a fairly interesting read and served as a good reminder of things I need to keep enforcing to uphold my self-worth and self-respect.
Some standout points/reminders include:
- “Many people entered adulthood without having learned to value themselves and their personal rights, trust their own decision-making, and set boundaries around their personal resources accordingly” (p. 13)
- “Your personal boundaries articulate your limits.… teach others how to respect you and ensure you offer the same respect to yourself” (p. 13)
- “Boundaries are built on a foundation of self-worth. Self-worth is knowing you have rights, value and dignity, and deserve to face these things respect” (p. 49)
- “… if boundaries have been a source of anxiety, conflict or trauma in your past, you brain associates them with threat and reacts with the same emergency response… fight, flight, freeze or fawn” (p. 58-59)
- “When we perceive a threat (real or imagined), our impulsive brain engages and pushes our logical brain offline… fight, flee, freeze, or fawn… Coping strategies such as people-pleasing, seeking permission and validation, shutting down, saying yes when you want to say no and offering unfiltered access to your personal resources can occur unconsciously whenever you feel threatened” (p. 61)
- “Setting boundaries feels threatening, so you don’t set them… This offers you short-term relief from guilt, or confrontation, or judgement, or embarrassment. But it sets you up for discomfort to come in the shape of resentment, anger, feeling disrespected and taken advantage of” (p.59)
- “Learning new actions for healthy boundary setting will change the wiring in your brain so that, with little practice, it becomes second nature for you to confidently harness your own authority. This boundary makeover will cause your exisiting neural pathways to record and make way for those that are attached to self-worth and confidence” (p.60)
-“You are under no obligation to be what others want you to be. Your worthiness is not based on anyone else approval. Meeting your needs and pursing what is right for you is not selfish” (p.94)
- “…putting worthiness into action by advocating for your personal rights, listening to your intuition, and operating from a place of self-trust” (p.96)
- “People who don’t have a healthy sense of worthiness can struggle to honour both their own and other people’s right” (p. 138)
- “Changes starts with awareness first” (p.167)
- “… Self-belief grows from taking action, even when you don’t believe in yourself in the first place. It’s built on giving yourself permission to try, practise, fail, improve and practise some more, until the neural pathways in your brain reflect the evidence you have that you can do this” (p.173)
- “Being unable to accept emotional discomfort stops us from creating healthy boundaries. We can’t directly control our feelings (even through avoidance), but we can’t control how we respond to them. Honour your feelings by identifying them, expressing them, regulating them, and processing them. Regulate your feelings by using the acceptance process: notice, describe, allow, accept and take values-directed action” (p.235)
- “Getting clarity around what the boundary is and what you want it to do will help you communicate it clearly” (p.239)
- “If you set a boundary and receive pushback from the other person, it is not a sign that your boundary is invalid or ineffective. It’s a sign that you need to continue communicating with the other person to help them understand why the boundary is important to you” (p.261)
- “Setting a boundary is not the same as making a threat or trying to control someone. A boundary is about conveying your own limits for behaviour from others (and yourself) that you deem acceptable. Boundaries draw a circle around you so that you feel safe to be yourself” (p.265)
- “Boundaries are not punishment for others. Threats and punishment… are about trying to make the other person do what you want them to do, or be who you want them to be, even if that means violating their rights or disrespecting them. People who have unhealthy boundaries may struggle with knowing the difference and accuse you of trying to manipulate or control them” (p.265-266)
- “… don’t communicate consequences if you’re not willing to follow through on them” (p.269)
- “… your boundaries are no one else’s responsibility but yours. Boundaries are most effective when you make choices that support the life you want to live… Without taking responsibility for your choices, you risk creating a situation in which you become the victim. This position is one of powerlessness and leaves you vulnerable to projecting your frustration onto others out of misguided blame and resentment” (p.274)
- “… there is a difference between being your child’s friend, and being friendly towards your child. Friendship might imply an egalitarian relationship between the two of you: no one is in charge and there are no limits… fails to offer your child the limits they need to know they are safe and someone is looking out for them… friendship has positive characteristics to it that include empathy, warmth, respect and trust… in the context of healthy boundaries. Their stability lies in knowing you’re the captain of the ship, while at the same time understanding that you are interested in them as people in their own right” (p.288)
- “…as you transform your boundaries, people close to you may notice you change. Some will go out of their way to support you and be proud of your growth. Others may notice care much at all. And some may feel threatened by this ‘new you’” (p.293-294)
- “Our social system generally includes people who have similar values to our owns it’s sharing the things that are important to us that make us feel connected, recognised and understood” (p.294)
- “Sometimes growth is so personal that it needs to be done alone… And some people cope better with discomfort if they have space to process it before they share it” (p.295)
- “For some people, the only way to cope with their frustration around your boundaries will be to punish you… Silent treatment.. ghosting… and grudge holding… If someone punishes you for setting a boundary, they are showing you exactly why you need that boundary in the first place” (p.317)
- “If someone leaves you because you set a boundary for your physical and/or emotional safety, they are showing that they were never a safe person for you” (p.325)
Overall take from this book is in order to set boundaries, you need to be self-aware, self-assured (have trust in your thoughts and opinions), have a strong sense of self/identity (personality, non-negotiables, beliefs/values, priorities), want to actually do some inner work, and recognise that unconscious behaviours can push us towards self-protection and doing things that we genuinely don’t want which, in turn, is a disservice/dishonour to ourselves. It can also build resentment or other negative emotions, adversely affecting our emotional and mental wellbeing.
Some standout points/reminders include:
- “Many people entered adulthood without having learned to value themselves and their personal rights, trust their own decision-making, and set boundaries around their personal resources accordingly” (p. 13)
- “Your personal boundaries articulate your limits.… teach others how to respect you and ensure you offer the same respect to yourself” (p. 13)
- “Boundaries are built on a foundation of self-worth. Self-worth is knowing you have rights, value and dignity, and deserve to face these things respect” (p. 49)
- “… if boundaries have been a source of anxiety, conflict or trauma in your past, you brain associates them with threat and reacts with the same emergency response… fight, flight, freeze or fawn” (p. 58-59)
- “When we perceive a threat (real or imagined), our impulsive brain engages and pushes our logical brain offline… fight, flee, freeze, or fawn… Coping strategies such as people-pleasing, seeking permission and validation, shutting down, saying yes when you want to say no and offering unfiltered access to your personal resources can occur unconsciously whenever you feel threatened” (p. 61)
- “Setting boundaries feels threatening, so you don’t set them… This offers you short-term relief from guilt, or confrontation, or judgement, or embarrassment. But it sets you up for discomfort to come in the shape of resentment, anger, feeling disrespected and taken advantage of” (p.59)
- “Learning new actions for healthy boundary setting will change the wiring in your brain so that, with little practice, it becomes second nature for you to confidently harness your own authority. This boundary makeover will cause your exisiting neural pathways to record and make way for those that are attached to self-worth and confidence” (p.60)
-“You are under no obligation to be what others want you to be. Your worthiness is not based on anyone else approval. Meeting your needs and pursing what is right for you is not selfish” (p.94)
- “…putting worthiness into action by advocating for your personal rights, listening to your intuition, and operating from a place of self-trust” (p.96)
- “People who don’t have a healthy sense of worthiness can struggle to honour both their own and other people’s right” (p. 138)
- “Changes starts with awareness first” (p.167)
- “… Self-belief grows from taking action, even when you don’t believe in yourself in the first place. It’s built on giving yourself permission to try, practise, fail, improve and practise some more, until the neural pathways in your brain reflect the evidence you have that you can do this” (p.173)
- “Being unable to accept emotional discomfort stops us from creating healthy boundaries. We can’t directly control our feelings (even through avoidance), but we can’t control how we respond to them. Honour your feelings by identifying them, expressing them, regulating them, and processing them. Regulate your feelings by using the acceptance process: notice, describe, allow, accept and take values-directed action” (p.235)
- “Getting clarity around what the boundary is and what you want it to do will help you communicate it clearly” (p.239)
- “If you set a boundary and receive pushback from the other person, it is not a sign that your boundary is invalid or ineffective. It’s a sign that you need to continue communicating with the other person to help them understand why the boundary is important to you” (p.261)
- “Setting a boundary is not the same as making a threat or trying to control someone. A boundary is about conveying your own limits for behaviour from others (and yourself) that you deem acceptable. Boundaries draw a circle around you so that you feel safe to be yourself” (p.265)
- “Boundaries are not punishment for others. Threats and punishment… are about trying to make the other person do what you want them to do, or be who you want them to be, even if that means violating their rights or disrespecting them. People who have unhealthy boundaries may struggle with knowing the difference and accuse you of trying to manipulate or control them” (p.265-266)
- “… don’t communicate consequences if you’re not willing to follow through on them” (p.269)
- “… your boundaries are no one else’s responsibility but yours. Boundaries are most effective when you make choices that support the life you want to live… Without taking responsibility for your choices, you risk creating a situation in which you become the victim. This position is one of powerlessness and leaves you vulnerable to projecting your frustration onto others out of misguided blame and resentment” (p.274)
- “… there is a difference between being your child’s friend, and being friendly towards your child. Friendship might imply an egalitarian relationship between the two of you: no one is in charge and there are no limits… fails to offer your child the limits they need to know they are safe and someone is looking out for them… friendship has positive characteristics to it that include empathy, warmth, respect and trust… in the context of healthy boundaries. Their stability lies in knowing you’re the captain of the ship, while at the same time understanding that you are interested in them as people in their own right” (p.288)
- “…as you transform your boundaries, people close to you may notice you change. Some will go out of their way to support you and be proud of your growth. Others may notice care much at all. And some may feel threatened by this ‘new you’” (p.293-294)
- “Our social system generally includes people who have similar values to our owns it’s sharing the things that are important to us that make us feel connected, recognised and understood” (p.294)
- “Sometimes growth is so personal that it needs to be done alone… And some people cope better with discomfort if they have space to process it before they share it” (p.295)
- “For some people, the only way to cope with their frustration around your boundaries will be to punish you… Silent treatment.. ghosting… and grudge holding… If someone punishes you for setting a boundary, they are showing you exactly why you need that boundary in the first place” (p.317)
- “If someone leaves you because you set a boundary for your physical and/or emotional safety, they are showing that they were never a safe person for you” (p.325)
Overall take from this book is in order to set boundaries, you need to be self-aware, self-assured (have trust in your thoughts and opinions), have a strong sense of self/identity (personality, non-negotiables, beliefs/values, priorities), want to actually do some inner work, and recognise that unconscious behaviours can push us towards self-protection and doing things that we genuinely don’t want which, in turn, is a disservice/dishonour to ourselves. It can also build resentment or other negative emotions, adversely affecting our emotional and mental wellbeing.
November 26, 2025
So this book was actually recommended to me by a friend from Book Club I had only met once before — we had all gone for a "Book Club Retreat" last March, when she told me she'd brought along a book that she thought would be perfect for me. She then handed me this book, the title "SETTING BOUNDARIES" in big bold letters on its bright pink and orange cover, which made feel both amused and very much seen. Our Book Club nights usually become sociological deep dives and explorations into our understandings of the world, so the fact that she thought this book would be helpful in my own journey from Compulsive People-Pleaser to Confident Self-Advocate was actually quite touching. I knew from our talks that she herself had been on a similar path, yet I never would have guessed in our initial meeting given how self-assured and direct she seemed to be, while still very caring and warm. However, after reading this book, I can understand why — even though it's taken me over a year to finish, it's been for good reason, as there is just so much useful content to think through and digest.
The concepts, the examples, the self-exercises... it's been helpful to learn how I can better incorporate healthy boundaries into my own life by activating my Inner Leader (a work in progress lol), and to better understand why it doesn't have to feel so selfish or harsh doing so. In many ways, practising good boundaries for yourself really does allow you to honour those who have had the courage to do the same for themselves, and I've found myself in awe of the many people (especially women) around me who are also trying their best to speak up and let their limits be known. It's so hard to be assertive when that assertion in a woman tends to be seen as aggression or "bitchiness", when our ability to be kind seems dependent on our willingness to be "nice" and "accommodating" at all times, irrespective of the cost to our own values and sense of self.
So all in all, yes, I would recommend this book to anyone who might resonate with those feelings of self-doubt, and who might be interested in some practical tools for becoming self-determined beyond the snapshots and soundbites we see online. It's all well and good to share messages of empowerment, but how does one actually begin to truly feel and live it? I might not have all the answers, but I do know this book was certainly a step in the right direction 💛
The concepts, the examples, the self-exercises... it's been helpful to learn how I can better incorporate healthy boundaries into my own life by activating my Inner Leader (a work in progress lol), and to better understand why it doesn't have to feel so selfish or harsh doing so. In many ways, practising good boundaries for yourself really does allow you to honour those who have had the courage to do the same for themselves, and I've found myself in awe of the many people (especially women) around me who are also trying their best to speak up and let their limits be known. It's so hard to be assertive when that assertion in a woman tends to be seen as aggression or "bitchiness", when our ability to be kind seems dependent on our willingness to be "nice" and "accommodating" at all times, irrespective of the cost to our own values and sense of self.
So all in all, yes, I would recommend this book to anyone who might resonate with those feelings of self-doubt, and who might be interested in some practical tools for becoming self-determined beyond the snapshots and soundbites we see online. It's all well and good to share messages of empowerment, but how does one actually begin to truly feel and live it? I might not have all the answers, but I do know this book was certainly a step in the right direction 💛
August 21, 2023
I loved this book (and lately I didn’t like self-help books that much).
This one was an easy and enlightening read for me. I loved the way she writes, as well as the way she tried to empower us in setting boundaries and respect ourselves. I found myself in few situations and I feel more happy an confident in what I believe, who I am, and what I want in life! As I always believe, life is one and our to own, no one else can design our path or try. If someone really love us and accept us, they have to do it respecting also our choices and boundaries, otherwise I don’t need you in my life.
The book covers aspects of how sometimes we are controlled by others without noticing it or without paying attention to it and how to take back that control without malice. Because we come first and we need to be happy! If someone is not ok with our boundaries and they feel hurt somehow by that, it’s their problem to deal with, not ours.
And sometimes is ok to readjust our boundaries and with that our relationship with some people.
We are all human, we all change, and it’s ok to loose people on the way that no longer align with our way to live, think, and are, especially if they don’t respect out person.
One of the best quotes in the book, which sums up Dr Ray’s argument, is by Behavioural Scientist Steve Maraboli, which states “If you’re offended by my boundaries, then you’re probably one of the reasons I need them.”
Setting Boundaries is, in my personal opinion, one of the most useful and important self-help books on the market. While the focus of self-improvement is often on how to recognise one’s own failings, Dr Ray has flipped the argument to focus on how we liaise with the negative external influences on our life. It’s a lesson in empathy and communication as much as it’s a lesson in being assertive.
I really want to read other books from her now!
Thanks 😊
This one was an easy and enlightening read for me. I loved the way she writes, as well as the way she tried to empower us in setting boundaries and respect ourselves. I found myself in few situations and I feel more happy an confident in what I believe, who I am, and what I want in life! As I always believe, life is one and our to own, no one else can design our path or try. If someone really love us and accept us, they have to do it respecting also our choices and boundaries, otherwise I don’t need you in my life.
The book covers aspects of how sometimes we are controlled by others without noticing it or without paying attention to it and how to take back that control without malice. Because we come first and we need to be happy! If someone is not ok with our boundaries and they feel hurt somehow by that, it’s their problem to deal with, not ours.
And sometimes is ok to readjust our boundaries and with that our relationship with some people.
We are all human, we all change, and it’s ok to loose people on the way that no longer align with our way to live, think, and are, especially if they don’t respect out person.
One of the best quotes in the book, which sums up Dr Ray’s argument, is by Behavioural Scientist Steve Maraboli, which states “If you’re offended by my boundaries, then you’re probably one of the reasons I need them.”
Setting Boundaries is, in my personal opinion, one of the most useful and important self-help books on the market. While the focus of self-improvement is often on how to recognise one’s own failings, Dr Ray has flipped the argument to focus on how we liaise with the negative external influences on our life. It’s a lesson in empathy and communication as much as it’s a lesson in being assertive.
I really want to read other books from her now!
Thanks 😊
November 23, 2022
Setting Boundaries is the perfect introduction into self-knowledge and setting boundaries. Starting at the beginning, Dr Ray introduces the reader to the idea of self-knowledges and how we can better understand ourselves, through unlocking our unconscious thoughts and feeling.
Dr Ray explores the notion of regulating and accepting our feelings, providing the reader with detailed activities to reconnect and take control of our emotions. Presenting the idea of boundaries as control over our emotions and simply priorities the actions and behaviours which are important to us and that align with our values.
Dr Ray reframes the idea of setting boundaries as a way to liberate oneself and live a more fulfilled life, a life in which your core values are being respected by both yourself and those who you surround yourself with. This viewpoint offers a friendly and approachable guide to reclaim your power and set meaningful boundaries.
Important pages
o 82/83 boundaries and values questions/list
o 85/86 bill of rights
o 102/161different roles in ourselves (guardian and child etc.)
o 181 honouring feelings
o 190/191 feeling feelings
o 209/210detachment exercise
o 248/250communication skills/types
o 257/278actions
o 263/296 focusing on what you can control
o 307/308 managing judgement and boundaries
Dr Ray explores the notion of regulating and accepting our feelings, providing the reader with detailed activities to reconnect and take control of our emotions. Presenting the idea of boundaries as control over our emotions and simply priorities the actions and behaviours which are important to us and that align with our values.
Dr Ray reframes the idea of setting boundaries as a way to liberate oneself and live a more fulfilled life, a life in which your core values are being respected by both yourself and those who you surround yourself with. This viewpoint offers a friendly and approachable guide to reclaim your power and set meaningful boundaries.
Important pages
o 82/83 boundaries and values questions/list
o 85/86 bill of rights
o 102/161different roles in ourselves (guardian and child etc.)
o 181 honouring feelings
o 190/191 feeling feelings
o 209/210detachment exercise
o 248/250communication skills/types
o 257/278actions
o 263/296 focusing on what you can control
o 307/308 managing judgement and boundaries
June 19, 2023
This book is incredible and essential. I have saved some pages to type up later. This book has really helped me be brave and set boundaries with assertiveness often. There has been one particular person who I have been resentful towards because they expect me not to have boundaries and have been negative towards me whenever I have tried to set boundaries. It was so traumatising to me that I think it made my reproductive system pause out of fear and stress that I wouldn’t be able to protect my children.
Now I feel like I can set boundaries with this person and I don’t care what they throw at me. They’re behaviour has made me uncomfortable with having a close relationship with this person. I don’t feel guilt about choosing to keep this person at arms length. I think it’s totally reasonable for me to distance myself from someone who makes me feel physically and emotionally unsafe.
I still feel nervous about setting boundaries at times but I feel like I now have to tools to deal with situations where I need to speak up and state my boundaries.
I would recommend this book to everyone. I think if more people practised healthy boundaries our world would be a more peaceful place.
Now I feel like I can set boundaries with this person and I don’t care what they throw at me. They’re behaviour has made me uncomfortable with having a close relationship with this person. I don’t feel guilt about choosing to keep this person at arms length. I think it’s totally reasonable for me to distance myself from someone who makes me feel physically and emotionally unsafe.
I still feel nervous about setting boundaries at times but I feel like I now have to tools to deal with situations where I need to speak up and state my boundaries.
I would recommend this book to everyone. I think if more people practised healthy boundaries our world would be a more peaceful place.
July 17, 2023
I found Rebecca Ray after listening to Good, Great, Perfect: Ditch Perfectionism for Good Enough and Succeed More. I found the chapter on boundaries particularly interesting and wanted to know more - happily my search was quickly rewarded with an entire book by Rebecca about boundaries!
I listened to the audio version read by Rebecca herself, who is a delight to listen to. I did get a bit lost trying to keep track of all the protection selves - I might end up buying a hard copy or kindle version I can highlight and refer back to. Definitely needs a reread at some point. Highly recommended.
I listened to the audio version read by Rebecca herself, who is a delight to listen to. I did get a bit lost trying to keep track of all the protection selves - I might end up buying a hard copy or kindle version I can highlight and refer back to. Definitely needs a reread at some point. Highly recommended.
August 28, 2023
I was familiar with a lot of this from therapy, but having it all comprehensively laid out like this was really useful. The book is formatted very well, with prompts, examples, questions to the reader and summaries; my thanks to the poor person who had to format the eBook I read, with all the graphics. I find that self help/psychology books can sometimes overstep with advice to the reader, so I appreciate how balanced Dr Ray is (e.g. in the real life examples, she clearly says that verbal or physical abuse in response to boundary setting is unacceptable, but doesn't respond with 'you should end this relationship.')
Hopefully I'll be able to set boundaries now without getting a stress headache.
Hopefully I'll be able to set boundaries now without getting a stress headache.
December 25, 2023
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟/5
• Applicable, evidence-based strategies for establishing and managing boundaries , and recognising unhealthy habits/patterns of thinking
• De-identified examples given, making the content relatable
• Sets you up for a growth mindset; and the understanding that continuous growth is the goal
• Processes and mantras are easily applicable to real life situations.
• ‘Protection selves’ were a game changer for me. Also, ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn’ response.
I listened to the audiobook, revisiting each chapter to highlight and take notes. I attempted to apply strategies as I went, pausing reading sporadically to not be overwhelmed with too much information. This meant reading the book entirely took 8 months.
• Applicable, evidence-based strategies for establishing and managing boundaries , and recognising unhealthy habits/patterns of thinking
• De-identified examples given, making the content relatable
• Sets you up for a growth mindset; and the understanding that continuous growth is the goal
• Processes and mantras are easily applicable to real life situations.
• ‘Protection selves’ were a game changer for me. Also, ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn’ response.
I listened to the audiobook, revisiting each chapter to highlight and take notes. I attempted to apply strategies as I went, pausing reading sporadically to not be overwhelmed with too much information. This meant reading the book entirely took 8 months.
December 14, 2023
One of the best "self help" books I've ever listened to. From a self professed doormat who has spent her first 30+ years being stamped all over and taken advantage of, this book has really taught me how to set some solid boundaries in ways that don't make me want to run before the words get out of my mouth. I still occasionally want to run, but I'm able to quell my fear, and lay down solid, reasonable boundaries. I've never felt so empowered.
November 15, 2021
This book is like a good therapy session, or perhaps a series of them. This was a library borrow, and the digital app literally took it back as I had it open - I just want to reread... ahhhh.
So I had to go buy a copy.
I think it will be very useful indeed.
Some tables did not go well in the digital format and that should disappear in a paperback copy.
4 stars
So I had to go buy a copy.
I think it will be very useful indeed.
Some tables did not go well in the digital format and that should disappear in a paperback copy.
4 stars
November 22, 2021
Without boundaries, we give up our choices about how we live to someone who is not us. At the end of your days, you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these potential resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person - this is Inner Leadership.
January 18, 2023
I found this really easy to get through and it was useful for me. Self help isn't for everyone but Dr. Rebecca Ray does a really nice job of setting boundaries not only with others but especially within yourself and how to manage your internal thoughts. For self-help lovers, this is a great read, one I think I will be referring to quite often.
June 12, 2023
A fantastic manual on how to navigate the ins and outs of how to set your own boundaries. This hardback book was a philosophical tool to help me reclaim my mindset around this topic, and recognise times in my life where in my childhood I neglected my needs. Big fan! Onto book #2 - Difficult People now.
October 31, 2021
A very good guide, boundaries are a thing??!! As a child of trauma this was a revelation, great in conjunction with work with my own psych. Not sure how you'd go without th at support....but a good place to start.
May 7, 2022
A must read for all adults. This book clearly states how you should set boundaries and maintain healthy relationships. This book is also based on psychology, so it's great for those who do not want faith based help.
March 24, 2023
This self-help book contains great practical advices on the importance of setting boundaries in order to maintain healthy relationships with yourself and others.
I liked it, but it felt a little bit repetitive sometimes.
I liked it, but it felt a little bit repetitive sometimes.
July 24, 2023
Must read for all adults. Very well written and one of the best self help books. This is a book that provides practical guidance to set up boundaries. How to communicate, promote and protect your boundaries without being overwhelmed by emotions.
February 9, 2025
Has great thoughts and advice, and stands out from other self-help books I've read. Would definitely recommend this one. I read this as an audiobook on Borrowbox but will now also be getting my own copy.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 59 reviews