Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love

by Carlos Allende

A campy dark comedy for the angry and the disenchanted.

Last November, I found a dead body inside the freezer that my roommate keeps inside the garage. My first thought was to call the police, but Jignesh hadn’t paid his share of the rent just yet. It wasn’t due until the thirtieth, and you know how difficult it is to find people who pay on time. Jignesh always does. Also, he had season tickets for the LA Opera, and well . . . Madame Butterfly. Tosca. The Flying Dutchman . . . at the Dorothy Chandler . . . you cannot say no to that, can you? Well, it’s been a few good months now—Madame Butterfly was just superb, thank you. However, last Friday, I found a second body inside that stupid freezer in the garage. This time I’m evicting Jignesh. My house isn’t a mortuary . . . alas, I need to come up with some money first. You’ll understand, therefore, that I desperately need to sell this novel. Just enough copies to help me survive until I find a job . . . what could I do that doesn’t demand too much effort? We have a real treasure here, anyhow. Some chapters are almost but not quite pornographic. You could safely lend this to nana afterward!

Genres: Mystery, LGBT, Humor, Fiction, Thriller, Queer, Contemporary

312 pages, Hardcover

Published June 21, 2022

Reviews

[Richard Derus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Real Rating: 3.75* of five, rounded up because it's just that good

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA EDELWEISS+. THANK YOU.

My Review: Okay, I admit it: I loathed Jignesh, I despised Charlie, and I detested the victims...all of them see themselves as victims, of course. I was shocked by the hateful, racist nastiness, the body dysmorphia, the sex and the violence was all very tame though...and I still, to my slightly horrified embarassment, laughed out loud.

I feel dirty and ashamed admitting that. Like Charlie does after, um, sealing the deal with Jignesh. (This happened under such murky circumstances I was shocked that Author Allende didn't go into gory detail, but thank goodness no.) The things that make the book fun to read are the ways that Author Allende harks back to [The Day of the Locust] and [Miss Lonelyhearts] in all their embittered, Hollywood-materialism-hatin' glory. The things that aren't as evocative of the bitter, sarcastic West-world are the things that slow us down, like the switching PoV between Charlie's verbal fleuve and Jignesh's hugely overacted rages and the evil things he does in secret to express them. (No one can think of a reason to beat him up if they don't know it's him doing the nasty stuff to make their lives miserable. Except his mother, of course.)

So, with the two leads being such a pair of pricks in WeHo Princess drag, what's in it for the reader? A truly unvarnished look at what the hell we've done to our culture? A raunchy ride through the libido of a sad, little man who loves no one and nothing except what he's been told makes him look good? An immigrant whose family isn't made up of people who have any use for him, Family First culture back home be damned?

All that and more. The sheer volume of words coming out of Charlie does get numbing but goodness me, look at how much you learn about abuse and violence meted out on his short little self. Jignesh thinks all the trouble in the world is going to fall directly onto his head and, preemptively, gets angry enough to...avoid it, somehow. It's quite startling. He's definitely on the way down and...Ganesha gives him luck? The horrible racists he works with call his overweight self "Ganesha" behind his back, and I'd say "shame on you" to them via the author if Jignesh didn't get himself some brilliant, if cruel, revenge on each and every one of them.

By the end of the story, I was worn down. I'd been dipping near the Lake of Fire with Charlie prating and mewling to any- and everyone about things a slightly sentient person would've known not to say anything about. I'd seen Doom flying in on her broom, aiming right for the pair of 'em. And *snap* up comes the handle and the bristles of Doom's broom give a light dust-off to their plans as she flies away. By the end of the book...Deirdre and Jana and the mural for Jignesh's clients...the phone call from Mike, Jignesh's boss...I needed a lie-down.

So what's up with my rating not being a Full Five? It was headed for 3 early on because Charlie's narrative voice *really* got on my nerves. Jignesh's career as a Kindle Direct Publishing fantasy novelist (SALMONELLA IS A DISEASE, JIGNESH!) wasn't carried throughout the read, but used as a parsley garnish on a tiramisù. Charlie's sexual escapades were, while undetailed thank goodness, really not necessary to say anything new or more about his character (or lack thereof) and honestly weren't titillating to make up for their uselessness in plot or characterization terms. The crimes and follies that Jignesh and Charlie careen into and hurtle out of are fun, and highly kinetic; but they don't do anything the second, or third, times that they didn't do the first one.

That said, I am never going to forget either of these lousy human beings because they kept me rapt for several hours, bashing the Kindle screen a little harder than necessary each time I needed to move on to the next page. It was a good, fun ride, just one that went a *little* too often over the same curves to be exceptional.

[Dr. Andy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thank you to the publisher for an eARC in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

This was just...insert long drawn out sigh...painful to read. This is supposed to be a funny and satirical book, but it wasn't either of those things. I don't think I laughed once while reading this.

Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love is supposed to be a satirical comedy about a gay couple in LA. It's meant to be a romcom of sorts for Charlie and Jignesh. Charlie is navigating living with Jignesh to make ends meet, but when he discovers that Jignesh has murdered someone and put their body in his chest freezer, Charlie doesn't know what to do. He does really need help with rent after all.

Ugh I wanted to like this! I really wanted to enjoy a humorous book about coffee, shopping, murder and love. But that's not what happened. What the synopsis fails to mention is that Charlie is a racist piece of shit who refuses to work at all. And Jignesh is embezzling money and screwing over the company he works for.

Let's start with Charlie first. He's meant to come off as quirky and cute, but the constant microaggressions and overtly racist statements he makes were just disgusting. He also is very misogynistic and constantly degrades the women in his life that he calls "friends". Also he is the person that says "I'm not racist, I have Black friends" and ugh it made my blood boil. Does he not understand how ridiculous that statement is?

Charlie also doesn't even like Jignesh when they first meet. He makes some pretty rude comments about Jignesh's body and personality, but continues to try and establish a relationship with him because he thinks Jignesh has money. Which he finds out through invading Jignesh's privacy and going through his phone. Every time I had to deal with his POV, I found something new to be annoyed with. He is just a character that I hate and I cannot with him.

Jignesh was less problematic for me and I did sometimes enjoy his POV. I really felt for him because as a fat gay man of color, he gets shit on quite a lot. I think what got me with him is that he constantly does the same things and expects it to work better if he tries it again. I wanted him to succeed, but he keeps making bad decisions and we see him spiral further down into despair. Honestly, Mike was a shitty af boss and deserved to be stolen from, but I wish we actually saw Jignesh's problems resolved. Instead the embezzling, the murder and everything in between just gets him in deeper shit. Not to mention that he definitely does not like Charlie (which I understand), but he stays with him because Charlie has power over him since he knows Jignesh killed two people.

The other thing that led to this being a less favorable review is the pacing of this book. It weirdly skips periods of time, but it's not well framed in the narrative. For example, we go from Charlie and Jignesh having a one night stand to then Jignesh moving in and it didn't make sense how we got there. There were no conversations about it and Jignesh wanted to never talk to Charlie again, but then they moved in? Like what did I miss here.

Overall, this one was not for me. Maybe other readers will find the humor in this. I didn't have many complaints about the writing in general. I think I would've actually enjoyed this one had Charlie not been a character. He is the worst and I hate him with a passion.

Rep: Indian-American gay male MC, white American gay male MC, MLM side couple, WLW side couple.

CWs: Alcohol consumption, antisemitism, body shaming, death, drug use/attempted drug dealing, fatphobia, homophobia/homomisia, misogyny, murder, racism, sexism. Moderate: suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, sexual content, eating disorder.

[tessa s · Rating 4 out of 5]

Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love... What more could I ask for?

I received this ARC in exchange for an honest review, and wow I have so much to say.

To open, I hated and loved this novel. It was such a fun, wacky adventure. This piece is the definition of camp. It is serial killings queered and hilarious. For a tad bit of explanation, this Novel follows Jignesh and Charlie, a gay duo living in LA as they face the aftermath of 'accidental' homicide. The plot hones in on their relationship to each other and peripheral characters as they attempt to cover their tracks. Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love does not take itself seriously and is willing to do bonkers things, like having our main character suffocate an annoying coworker to death by sitting on her, to prove it doesn’t.

I think the strongest aspect of this comedy of errors is its ability to portray realistic stream of consciousness povs from the two main characters. Through these caricatures, Allende tackles fatphobia, racism, homophobia, and getting away with murder.

Another key facet of this comedy of errors is the absence of Deus ex Machina's. Every time Jignesh gets away with the murder, it comes at the hand of excessive labor and multiple missteps. It paints a portrait of a regular gay Gen X guy trying to scheme his way out of an unfortunate scenario after scenario. For example, as Nina’s body sits at the bottom of the dumpster Jignesh must reason out an excuse for not letting the garbage company take the dumpster away. What ensues is an awkward yelling match between the stressed worker and well-meaning coworkers.

This book is a satire and a comedy of errors brought to a murderous degree, with the goal of critiquing the operations of LA lifestyles. Charlie harbors a murderer because he enjoys the wealth Jignesh has.

On another level, the piece interrogates the extent you will go to for the promise of love. Charlie and Jignesh had been struggling to find romantic companionship, and now they have settled into a relationship fraught with overspending and haphazard killings.

Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love never loses sight of the four motifs that give the title its namesake. However, it is about much more than that too. I came to this realization when Jignesh narrated:

“I… close my eyes, and start dancing. I dance as if I were in 2001 again. I dance as if I were still thirty-one. I dance as if I weren’t fat, ugly, old, and a murderer.”

It’s about finding yourself, coming to terms with identity, and trying to win against a system that doesn’t want you to win anyways. Some points in the book are offensive, but that’s because the characters we are dealing with are flawed and complex men. This novel is hilarious, uniquely written, and risky by design, I am so grateful to have been able to experience it.

[Jill McGraw · Rating 5 out of 5]

A tale of extreme cowardice and self delusion told by a pair of unredeemable narcissists...delicious! (nom nom) This is a very funny, engaging book, a modern twist on a zany 1940’s farce. As the stakes got higher and more hilarious, I could not put it down.

[Erin Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Allende’s book is SUCH a page turner. I haven’t read a book this fun in a long time. I loved the different perspectives throughout the book. The characters, as unique as they are, were so well written they felt like people you’d know in your real life. Charlie was out of this world - I can’t believe I ended up rooting for him in the end.

This book had me laughing out loud and on the edge of my seat. I can’t wait to read more of Allende’s works.

[James Henry · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's incredibly rare to read a book in 2022 where the gay lead characters are not even unlikable anti-heroes but actively terrible, irredeemable, awful people. Not that I have a problem with that, mind you, because in the right hands even the worst people can be fascinating to read about and have a journey worth following. Luckily, Carlos Allende is a gifted enough writer to not only make this story worth reading but also to craft characters that are singular and unique even as they breathlessly move from one terrible decision to the next. The first third of the novel took some getting used to as Allende never goes where you expect and the main characters act like people in an early John Waters film competing to be crowned the worst person in the world. One caveat: one of the main characters, a white gay L.A. transplant from a religious, Southern town, makes a lot of microaggressions and aggression-aggressions toward every POC he encounters. I think I understand what Allende is doing, commenting on the not-so-hidden racism of white gays, even those were mercilessly victimized and ostracized by the communities they grew up in, but it's one of those instances where a little would have went a long way. Four or five times probably would have made the point loud and clear, but it happens in nearly every chapter--often multiple times!--that is narrated by this character. It's so prevalent that I can see it turning off people who would otherwise appreciate the message that Allende is discussing.

[Received copy from Goodreads Giveaway]

[Cathy Wittmeyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love by @damned_poet from @RedHenPress is an arresting read. If I summarized it for you, you might be repulsed. I assure you Allende has you at the edge of your seat not only routing for these despicable characters but somehow identifying with them while laughing out loud. For haven't we all found ourselves in a sticky situation where we at least imagined getting away with it by evil deception? Thankfully, most of society chooses a path of honesty, confession, forgiveness, love.

[Don Kirby · Rating 4 out of 5]

A dark comedy that still had me rooting for the murderers! Lol
I got many laughs through out the book and was sad when it ended. Maybe a trilogy is in order?

[Shanna Simmons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ever wondered what A Confederacy of Dunces would be like set in modern day gay L.A.? Find out in "Coffee, Shopping, Murder, Love". It's laugh-out-loud-on-the-train hilarious. It's giddy, it's embarrassing, and oh so fun.

[CMik NY · Rating 5 out of 5]

Allende’s wit and character development never disappoints.

[Todd Erickson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carlos Allende has done a masterful job of telling a compelling and entertaining story that reveals the pain, suffering and mayhem that gets created by a homophobic, racist, & capitalist society. I loved getting inside the heads of two (well three) characters and see the social insanity that makes up their decision making. I had a good time reading the book and looked forward to the time I could get back to it when I had to put it down to go out in the world. Interestingly, I was reading the book while visiting family in Venice Beach where much of the book takes place. So, as I was out in the “real world”, the book stayed with me and I started see things through the len’s of Carlos’s characters. No, I didn’t commit any crimes!

[Kiff Scholl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like its title, 'Coffee Shopping Murder Love' kind of see-saws through a series of delightfully wacky life-and-death blunders, as we switch perspectives throughout the journey, each chapter dedicated to one and then the other of our two anti-heroes. We don’t like these two guys at first, maybe not even at second, but if we keep with them, quickly we empathize greatly. They’re utter oddballs, but oddly familiar. The occasionally zany adventure is true enough to be enjoyable, and preposterous enough to be hysterical. The characters lived on in my head when I was forced to put the book down, and I enjoyed recalling their annoying echoes much like say, an audiobook written by Larry David and read by David Sedaris. But this isn’t just about laughs, it’s about real struggles and raw, gritty characters that gay society -and Hollywood- generally avoid. They feel slighted and ignored, which is what’s truly palpable and resonant with the story - they’re underdogs, competing for scraps - ugly, whiny, fat, femme, gay outcasts, desperate and utterly unappealing, but that’s probably why they’re as compelling as a ten-car pileup. It’s a peek at the underbelly… of the underbelly of society. One we think we won’t enjoy but keeps us turning every page.

[Yuvi Zalkow · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was a total delight reading this charming, crazy, hilarious story. Some parts of the story are very relatable, like the stuff about awkward dates and struggling with work and money and friends and roommates. And I love how Allende mixes those familiar elements with money laundering and murder as this story descends into some really dark (but still funny) places. The story alternates between Charlie's and Jignesh's points of view, and the two perspectives are unique and hilarious and charming and troubling in different ways. Plus, all the fabulous movie references (because of Charlie's obsession with movies) are just icing on the coffee/shopping/murder/love cake.

[Emma Riva · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the pleasure of meeting Carlos at AWP, and not only is he a charming, funny, and dynamic personality--he's also an excellent writer! This book was a lot of fun to read and it felt even more special to have connected with the author. The humor is on point and very in line with current life, it cracked me up that Jignesh says "Latino" and Charlie says "Latinx," which is a tiny detail but really speaks volumes about the characters' generations and values. There's lots of stuff like that in it. Definitely recommend if a tragicomedy is your thing.

[Thomas Christian · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Loved this book. The characters are funny and likeable in an awful sort of way. It was nice to see a person of Indian decent as the lead. The writing showed real empathy for someone who doesn't fit the Weho standard of beauty. I look forward to reading more from Carlos.

[Jonathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A rotted, hateful, hilarious satire! Very funny, and an enjoyable read.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

What did I just read?!

If you aren't sucked in by the end of the first chapter, just back away slowly because it only gets more . . . off-beat . . . from there. These are the most likeable-unlikeable characters I've ever come across, just a barrel of walking depraved flaws and I loved every word.

[Aliya Bree Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a physical ARC of the book in exchange for a review.

This book is wild. It took me a second to get into it because the writing style is really unique and the chapter narration feels like you're just *in* the character's brain and you're simply along for their thought process. This also makes it particularly fascinating to read because at the end of the day the characters aren't likable. But that's also in a way the point? And somewhere along the way I still found myself not 100% rooting for them, but actively being stressed about their predicaments and caring about what happened to them. (I don't know how they managed to do it but the ending is satisfying and a fitting conclusion for this fever dream of a book.)

As a queer woman coming into this book, it was also fascinating the look inside the head of gay men and I swear some of it was verbatim how my gay friends talk about the community. This book critiques the gay community while also pointing out all the hypocrisy in it as well, which is something I appreciated.

I ended up really enjoying this read. I got a little bit of Edgar Cantero vibes from the style, which is something I liked and the story was engaging, different and messy in the best way. I do still fully understand why this could be a polarizing read for readers due to the writing style and the purposely kind of unlikeable characters, but I definitely think this book will find its people. It was a fun, messy romp and sometimes that's what you need.

[Cheyanne Gocke · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but it is definitely not for everyone. There are no characters to route for or connect with (hopefully), there’s no redemption arc, and honestly it’s a bit more vulgar than I was expecting. However, I love the 4th wall breaks and how delusional our main characters are. No pair ever deserved each other more than Charlie and Jignesh.

[Jonathan Vatner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gobbled this book up! It's deranged in the best way--it opens with the anti-hero Jignesh accidentally killing his co-worker by sitting on her face, and it gets wilder from there. The tension does not let up from beginning to end. The characters are detestable pretty much across the board, products of unabashed L.A. consumerism, but I was rooting for them (to get away with murder). Every page surprised me, and I laughed a LOT. And the ending ... ! It was like jumping off a diving board into an empty pool.
A well-crafted satire of gay culture and materialism.

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carlos Allende’s “darkly comic” novel is like one of my out-of-control bad nightmares - where one bad decision leads to another. The ride is both funny and awful, both tender and brutal, both absurd and utterly real. This story is pure farce and biting social commentary and totally compelling.

[Claire Holmes]

my four favorite things + the most horrible people. i'm obsessed.

[Britt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not typically what I read but I laughed my ass off! The humor is very well written 👌🏼

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a fun, smart read! This is for you if you’re looking for a good laugh and aren’t afraid of unlikable characters. Truly unlike anything I’ve ever read!

[Susann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the premise of "2 dead people in a freezer and where to go from here" very intriguing.

Disappointment is an understatement. The story is bland, and the characters (especially Charlie) are annoying and racist beyond belief. I really wanted to like it but it simply wasn't funny.

[Tj · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this story! I couldn't put the book down! Carlos Allende is my new favorite author.
If you love dark and twisted humor then I definitely recommend this book.

[Mark Harvey · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Coffee, Shopping Murder, Love" is perverse in the best possible way. It will make you laugh, cringe, and it’ll possibly shock you, but one thing it won’t do is bore you.

Reading a novel where every character is self-obsessed and morally bankrupt can be challenging, especially when the world seems to be hemorrhaging these traits to the extreme, but this story is also charming and disarming at the same time. It is a biting satire, interwoven with wickedly funny high camp.

If you appreciate novelists like Tim Dorsey ("Tropic of Stupid"), Elmore Leonard (any) or Evelyn Waugh ("The Loved One"), you'd love this.

[Will Kohlschreiber · Rating 4 out of 5]

After the first few pages, I knew I despised the two main characters. Charlie and Jiggy were people I had been mostly good at avoiding throughout my life. But try as I might to put this book down, I kept getting sucked back in. It’s a fun, trashy romp, filled with horrible people you never want to meet. Glad I read it!

[Renée Terrebonne Finch · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars -- really entertaining read!

[Kerri Lemoie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a hilarious adventure of poor choices and self-obsession. You probably won't recognize yourself in these characters or find them all that redeemable yet you'll want to keep on reading anyway.