English as She Is Spoke

by José da Fonseca, Pedro Carolino, Paul Collins (Editor)

In 1855, when Jose da Fonseca and Pedro Carolino wrote an English phrasebook for Portuguese students, they faced just one problem: they didn't know any English. Even worse, they didn't own an English-to-Portuguese dictionary. What they did have, though, was a Portuguese-to-French dictionary, and a French-to-English dictionary. The linguistic train wreck that ensued is a classic of unintentional humor, now revived in the first newly selected edition in a century. Armed with Fonseca and Carolino's guide, a Portuguese traveler can insult a barber ("What news tell me? All hairs dresser are newsmonger"), complain about the orchestra ("It is a noise which to cleve the head"), go hunting ("let aim it! let make fire him"), and consult a handy selection of truly mystifying "Idiotisms and Proverbs."

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Language, Linguistics, Classics, History, Comedy

133 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1855

Reviews

[Charles van Buren · Rating 4 out of 5]

From 1884, for your puzzlement and entertainment

Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: English as she is spoke or, A jest in sober earnest (Kindle Edition)

A more befuddled guide to the English language you are unlikely to find. I still have trouble believing that this was written as a serious English dictionary for Portuguese speakers. Even if it was, surely the publisher hoped to sell it as humor. Native English speakers have long found merriment in the fractured English of foreigners. From my limited travels I believe that many of those foreigners also have a lot of fun with English speakers' efforts to speak other languages. The introduction is overly long and as you get past the first three paragraphs, relates too much of the book's contents which you can read for yourself. This review is from the free kindle edition released March 24, 2011.

[Trevor · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to admit to really loving Engrish.com and all the various other varieties of English that are twisted out of recognition. It is the closest I come to doing cryptic crossword puzzles, well, other than talking with my intellectually disabled older sister.

I once bought an Asian Santa toy thing that laughed when you knocked it. Not so much for the laugh (which was more spooky than seasonal or joyous) but for what was written on the box it came in. The toy was called, ‘Can’t Invert With Laugh’. I laughed, it didn’t invert – truth in advertising!

Recently I read a book called Carpe Diem and I’m almost certain that this book was mentioned there. Basically this is Monty Python about a century before Monty Python. Take one Portuguese gentleman with virtually no knowledge of English (as she is either spoke or wrote) and give him an English – French and a Portuguese – French dictionary and phrase book, tell him to write a book of conversational English and then sit back and enjoy.

I’ve just spotted this on Project Gutenberg http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/30411 and it takes no time at all to read. Do yourself a favour…

Now, I’m going to quote a couple of my favourites:

In the phrasebook there are sections on common things you might need the words for whilst travelling around England – but under foods my favourite was ‘Vegetables boiled to a pap’ – God, even the Portuguese know about English cooking.

‘These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth.’

‘This ink is white.’ (It is almost surreal, isn’t it?)

‘I have mind to vomit.’

‘Have you understanded?’

‘Take that boy and whip him to much.’

The weather is both a standard topic of conversation the world over and unlikely to get you into trouble – so here are some conversation starters sure to work a treat: ‘ We shall have a fine weather to day. There is some foggy. I fear of the thunderbolt. The sun rise on. The sun lie down. It is light moon's.’

And it is always nice to have a bit of a chat with your hairdresser: ‘Your razors, are them well? Yes, Sir. Comb-me quickly; don't put me so much pomatum. What news tell me? all hairs dresser are newsmonger. Sir, I have no heared any thing.’

He ends with a series of proverbs, and I’m particularly fond of a good proverb – some of them I can pick, like ‘It want to beat the iron during it is hot.’ Some are a little harder, ‘He is beggar as a church rat.’ And some, well? ‘Friendship of a child is water into a basket’ or ‘To fatten the foot’.

There were so many things I really needed to do this morning – oh well…

[Nemo ☠️ · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Burn the politeness."

[verbava · Rating 4 out of 5]

– What is there in new’s litterature?
– Little or almost nothing, it not appears any thing of note.
– And yet one imprint many deal.
– That is true; but what it is imprinted. Some news papers, pamphlets, and others ephemiral pieces: here is.
– But why, you and another book seller, you does not to imprint some good works?
– There is a reason for that, it is that you cannot to sell its. The actual-liking of the public is depraved they does not read who for to amuse one’s self ant but to instruct one’s.

смаки публіки воістину депрайвд: публіка бере португальсько-англійський розмовник фор ту ам'юз і ні разу не ту інстракт. але це справді вкрай ам'юзінг розмовник, провісник перекладних меню й інструкцій до виготовленого в китаї, що побачив світ за півтора століття до гуглтранслейту. всі «ice cream in the ass» і «various and confused pizzas» – це просто бліді епігони праці педро кароліно.

у кароліно, який узявся за писання португальсько-англійського розмовника, були дві проблеми: він нічого не тямив у англійській (злі язики кажуть, що в португальській теж небагато) і не мав португальсько-англійського словника. тому «english as she is spoke» – це зшита з португальсько-французького розмовника та французько-англійського словника радість серця, у якої видно, звідки ростуть ноги, але часом це тентаклі.

[Oblomov · Rating 2 out of 5]

In the 1850s, two men decided to write a Portuguese to English guide, complete with regular phrases, conversation examples and a small glossary of everyday things. One small problem: neither of these men knew English. What these men did have, was a Portuguese to French dictionary and a French to English dictionary. The result is basically this:

but an entire book of it.

I've no doubt this would have thrilled many a cackling Victorian gentlemen, who had the rules of grammar rigidly caned into his arse, but to me, an utter moron who spends far too much time on the internet, the book is more confusing than hilarious, and many of the awkward phrases and terrible spelling feel no different from what I regularly see in comment sections (or me proof reading my reviews).

Is there some amusing moments? Yes, some, such as:

The 'too drunk to remember the correct word for something'-esque:
Their ears are too length

The caveman-esque:
It seems no me new

The 'cryptic crossword clue':
The stone as roll not heap up not foam (Supposed to be: 'a rolling stone gathers no moss')

The slightly suspect:
These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth

And the accidental zen:
I row upon the belly on the back and between two waters

Annoyingly, the funniest bits (like cataloguing a hedgehog as a type of fish, or 'idiotisms') are spoiled in the book's blurb or the introduction by James Millington. If you want to find more funnies, you'll be plodding through the inarticulate for quite some time and I don't feel the search is worth it.
Also not helping is that the internet is already saturated with examples of t-shirts and signs bearing bad translations, which are often far more hilarious than anything here.
Ultimately, knowing this poorly orchestrated book exists is far funnier than anything found within it, so, instead of a recommendation, I'll conclude with some Google translate crimes for you to enjoy, and I hope you have a pleasant day:

[Sharon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Infinite stars

"This room is filled of bugs" is how I feel like I sound like every time I attempt to use conversational French 😀

[Jemppu]

So english, much fluent. Wow.

Hoot of a publication, which is essentially the (unintended) conception of a 'two-man-pidgin' by way of Portuguese to French to English - well before the advent of the likes of Babel Fish and Google Translate made this a common form of entertainment for the layperson.


|| "Tongh he is German, he speaks so much well italyan, french, spanish and english, that among the Italyans they believe him Italyan, he speak the frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishmen believe him Spanishing, and the Englishes, Englishman. It is difficult to enjoy well so much several langages."

|| "You does express you self very well."

[Charles Dee Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mark Twain was an early admirer of this classic of unintentional humor. "Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect, it must and will stand alone: its immortality is secure." The authors of this linguistic disaster were not fools. Both had written respectable works in Portuguese, they just happened to know no English. And since their guide was to be the first English/Portuguese phrase book, they had nothing to work with but an English/French dictionary. They compounded error upon error and produced this little masterpiece that perfectly captures what I am sure is more or less the ass I have made of myself when attempting a foreign language. Although I do not believe that Rick Steves would ever suggest that I tell a dentist who wants to pull a rotten tooth, "I can't to decide me it, that makes me many great deal pain," I am sure I have come out with such absurdities as "one o'clock comes to strike."

This manual, currently offered by the Collins Library, and imprint of McSweeney's edited by bibliophile Paul Collins, went in and out of print well into the 20th century. It was possibly the first example of a joke book composed entirely of an author's inability to write coherently. Today we have compilations of students' pathetic answers to exam questions, or, in the visual realm, the websites and books with titles like Walmart People or Awkward Family Photos.

Like contemporary examples, this is not a book you read from beginning to end. It is, like Jokes for the John, best enjoyed in five to ten minute intervals. There are conversational segments that recreate one's experience with the tailor or the dentist, but the most sublime moments occur in the section labeled Familiar Phrases. Although they are not presented in a conversational context, you will be glad to know when to say, for example, "The fruit is good for nothing," or " He was wanting to be killed."

[Krollo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautifully asinine book. Indescribably hilarious. 'To craunch the marmoset?' Is there a better phrase in English?

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, this is funny, and the conceit of how it was written is amusing, but as other reviewers have pointed out, in the age of the internet where we see how odd and hard translation can be all the time, I'm not sure it's the side splitter it once was. It's also not a book you really "read"--just pick up and browse through, which it's why it's been on my currently reading list for so long. I would call this gently amusing and wouldn't suggest you go out of your way to find it, but if it's in front of you and you want to chuckle for a minute or two, take a look.

[Jake · Rating 5 out of 5]

"A little master frizzled, perfumed and covered of gold, had leaded to the church, for to marry, a coquethish to the dye glistening the parson, having considered a minute that disfigured couple, told him: 'Now before to pronounce the conjungo, let avow me for fear of quiproquo, which from both is the bride?'"

[Jordy]

Enkele pareltjes uit dit Portugees-Engelse taalgids uit de 19e eeuw:

"Defects of the body: an ugly"
"Woman objects: the paint or disguise" (aka make-up)
"Fishes and shellfishes: A sorte of fish, hedge hog, wolf"

Uit het deel "Familiar phrases":
"These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth."
"It must never to laugh of the unhappies."
"I am catched cold in the brain."
"Take that boy and whip him to much."

Deze hele "familiar dialogue":
To inform one'self of a person.

How is that gentilman who you did speak by and by.
Is a German.
Tongh he is German, he speak so much well italyan, french, spanish, and english, that among the Italyans, they believe him Italyan, he speak the frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishmen believe him Spanishing, and the Englishes, Englishman.
It is difficult to enjoy well so much several langages. (Helemaal waar, Pedro, helemaal waar...)

Deze hilarische grap in het deel "Anecdotes":
The commander Forbin of Janson, being at a repast with a celebrated Boileau, had undertaken to pun him upon her name:—"What name, told him, carry you thither? Boileau : I would wish better to call me Drink wine." (Hint: Pedro Carolino werkte met een Frans-Portugees spreekwoordenboek en vervolgens een Portugees-Engels woordenboek)

En ten slotte de treffend genaamde "Idiotisms and Proverbs":
"A horse baared don't look him the tooth."
"They shurt him the doar in face."
"He is beggar as a church rat."

[Phrodrick slowed his growing backlog · Rating 3 out of 5]

The joke is that English as She is Spoke was originally written as a Portuguese to English phase book in 1855. Why it funny is that the authors and here the real story starts winding down on the modern fan. The original author Jose De Fonseca wrote the original book which was a decent effort, later Pedro Carolino, re-wrote it and used the earlier author’s name to add credibility to this new failed version.

The new version, a portion of which is republished here is a disaster. It seems that one or both of these men could speak no English and had no reference that tied the two languages directly. Instead the translation is something of a translator’s game of telegraph. Portuguese to French to English. The results are, to be kind, a mixed bag.

Were this end of the story, one or both translators were fools and deserve to be read as such. However, tucked away into the Author’s Preface (which Author?) Is the following:
“For that reason we did put, with a scrupulous exactness, a great variety own expressions to english and portugese idioms; without to attach us selves (as make some others) almost at a literal translation: translation only to accustom the portugese pupils, or foreign, to speak very bad any of the mentioned idioms.”

Ignoring the terrible translation, which may have appeared in Portugese in the original and perhaps not in this bad translation into English; indicates that the author(s) were intending to make literal translations from Portugese directly, word for word into English. Idioms in any language are hard to translate, and while the originators of this version appears to have no idea what the English counterpart to common Portuguese expression might have been, a rough scan of the Portuguese leads me to believe that this is a book of literal, word for word translations. This is all the writer claimed to have attempted.

No mistake, as a phrase book this one is a failure and occasionally a funny failure. As often it is a chance to think about how English might sound sound to an adult speaker trying to learn English.

Of greater interest to me was a later book, intended to play off the failure of this one: English as She is Taught. This would seem to have been the original book about how terrible America’s schools are. A case that is repeated every year by the publication of terrible essays by American Students. English as She is Taught is dated around 1887. In other words whenever you went to school and whatever you were taught, there was already someone complaining about how poorly you were educated.

As for the text, many examples translate well and could still be used. Many are peculiar as one to make one wonder the circumstances where a Portuguese visitor to an English speaking country would need to say: “When you shall have studient, you shall amuse yourself.” Or: “Take that boy and whip him much.”

I guess the joke is that someone put their desire for money ahead of their competence. Trusting customers definitely would have found themselves saying things that made no sense to their listeners. In other words someone got caught being a capitalist and some non-English language speakers sounded more helpless than they already were. Some of the translations are very bad. Mostly this is an interesting if unintended way to look at Portuguese as ‘She” was spoken. In this light As She is Spoke is at its unintended best the written equivalent of a person slipping on a banana peel.

After the phrase book are a few anecdotes ,idioms and Proverbs. Some of these read like classic jokes or malapropisms. "The walls have hearsay".

[melydia · Rating 4 out of 5]

What happens when you use a Portuguese-French phrasebook and a French/English dictionary (and zero knowledge of English) to make a Portuguese-English phrasebook? This happens. It's hard to pick a favorite "common" English phrase, but I am especially amused by "You hear the bird's gurgling?" For extra giggles, read aloud. In short, this book really craunched the marmoset.

[Rachel Enright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Big fan of when students walk by me and shove a book into my hands and say "read this."

This book is definitely for language nerds. I laughed so many times at sentences that only 0.1% of the population would find funny.

[Quiver · Rating 2 out of 5]

A curiosity that is inadvertently cautionary for amateur translators and polyglots.

My favourites:
'Of my side, I am yours.'
'He is tears.'
'I am conceal.'
'You shall make me into any slippers.'
'The hands are to itch to him.'

[JC · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my all-time favorite books. So so funny.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

So funny, I was in pain laughing

[Ingrid · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you enjoy language at all, I highly recommend you have a look at this glorious failure of translation. This is an absolutely fantastic artifact and rereading the introduction alone is worth it to me to have purchased it (and it was just a few dollars anyway lol). Sometimes I forget this thing exists and then stumble upon it again in my Kindle library. Never fails to make me laugh, especially in the context of someone writing about it so long ago (1883 or so I believe), but the humor still holds up (talking here specifically about the introduction, rather than the work itself lol). Even if you don't care enough to go through the book itself, just try to find some of the best excerpts from it. This book is open source, so I figure it shouldn't be too hard to find stuff out there lol

[Helena]

I'll give no stars to this!

How can this guy do this? If he didn't know English why attempt to do something like this?
The result is hilarious but I wasn't able to read all of it! It's just so BAD!

I'm Portuguese and I had never even heard of this book ... it was some article on the web that brought this to my attention... We aren't all this this person, ok??? :D

[Margaret Carpenter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maybe the greatest piece of literature in the English language.

[Andria Potter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stumbled on this by chance at the Internet Archive. A fast, delightful and witty read before bed. 5 ⭐.

[Marita_z]

This is just to dumb awful.. (no stars!)

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read it ages ago in the edition with Mark Twain's introduction, and it's still very funny. One thought that struck me belatedly: What kind of trips did Carolino think his readers would be taking? The third page lists "Defects of the Body," page 20 consists of "chastisements" ("banishment," "the dungeon," "to decapitate," "the torture rack," etc.), while further on we find such useful phrases as "They are all dead," "I think that it is three days that I eat nothing," "He has spat in my coat," "He has scratch the face with her nails," "He was wanting to be killed," and "Don't you fear the privateers?" Travel then seems to have been at least as unpleasant as it is now. I can recommend the anecdote on page 115 starting "Two friends who from long they were not seen meet one's selves for hazard," which is pretty funny even if rendered in correct English.

[Pewterbreath · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book for G a couple of Christmases ago and we read sections of it to each other in tears it was so funny. A completely ludicrous English phrase book that has the most bizarre conversations and listings of things I have ever read in horrible English. So bad that contemporaries thought it was a fraud. I don't care if it's real or not, this book is hilarious and should be in every bathroom worldwide.

[Djll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clean of gallicisms, a rich little treasure chest of unintentional humor and surrealism...

We expect then, who the little book (for the care that we wrote him, and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the Youth, at which we dedicate him particularly.

Amen!

[nullx002 · Rating 5 out of 5]

a jewel. classic. gem for those who study languages.

But the letter’s men who cultivate the arts and the sciences they can’t to pass without the books.

I have only been able to procure the octodecimo edition, which is embellished with plates beautifully coloured.

and most amazing of all... plato, disciples and diogenes.

“Don’t look it more told them Plato, and he shall get out soon.”

[L S · Rating 5 out of 5]

English as she is spoke was a Christmas present to me from Taylor in 2001.

I think it should be required reading for any student beginning Latin or Greek as a negative exemplum for style of translation.

The book is hilarious!

[Cesar Loya · Rating 3 out of 5]

Super hard to read

It was super hard to read because the Grammer was so bad. It became a challenge to finish reading. None the less I'm glad I read it. The page where it said birds are gurgling was super funny.

[Steve · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can see how these mistranslations could have been fun and charming 150 years ago. But I don't think it has the same novelty today when the world is more globalized and it's more common to interact with nonnative speakers of your language.