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Chosen: A Memoir of Stolen Boyhood
Winner of the National Jewish Book Award for Memoir
"An unparalleled achievement , a work of shattering, almost unbearable radiance. I did not stop crying throughout. For Mills. For my young self. For all of us who have lived and continue to live in that pitiless abyss of childhood abuse. To read this courageous book is to be transformed utterly by Mills's empathy, resilience, and grace. Mark my Chosen is destined to be a classic because this is a book that will save lives."
―Junot Díaz, author of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
At thirteen years old, Stephen Mills is chosen for special attention by the director of his Jewish summer camp, a charismatic social worker intent on becoming his friend. Stephen, whose father died when he was four, places his trust in this authority figure, who first grooms and then molests him for two years.
Stephen tells no one, but the aftershocks rip through his adult life, as intense as his self-loathing, drug abuse, petty crime, and horrific nightmares, all made worse by the discovery that his abuser is moving from camp to camp, state to state, molesting other boys. Only physical and mental collapse bring Stephen to confront the truth of his boyhood and begin the painful process of recovery―as well as a decades-long crusade to stop a serial predator, find justice, and hold to account those who failed the children in their care.
The trauma of sexual abuse is shared by one out of every six men, yet very few have broken their silence. Unflinching and compulsively readable, Chosen eloquently speaks for those countless others and their families. It is a rare act of consummate courage and generosity―the indelible story of a man who faces his torment and his tormentor and, in the process, is made whole.
"An unparalleled achievement , a work of shattering, almost unbearable radiance. I did not stop crying throughout. For Mills. For my young self. For all of us who have lived and continue to live in that pitiless abyss of childhood abuse. To read this courageous book is to be transformed utterly by Mills's empathy, resilience, and grace. Mark my Chosen is destined to be a classic because this is a book that will save lives."
―Junot Díaz, author of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
At thirteen years old, Stephen Mills is chosen for special attention by the director of his Jewish summer camp, a charismatic social worker intent on becoming his friend. Stephen, whose father died when he was four, places his trust in this authority figure, who first grooms and then molests him for two years.
Stephen tells no one, but the aftershocks rip through his adult life, as intense as his self-loathing, drug abuse, petty crime, and horrific nightmares, all made worse by the discovery that his abuser is moving from camp to camp, state to state, molesting other boys. Only physical and mental collapse bring Stephen to confront the truth of his boyhood and begin the painful process of recovery―as well as a decades-long crusade to stop a serial predator, find justice, and hold to account those who failed the children in their care.
The trauma of sexual abuse is shared by one out of every six men, yet very few have broken their silence. Unflinching and compulsively readable, Chosen eloquently speaks for those countless others and their families. It is a rare act of consummate courage and generosity―the indelible story of a man who faces his torment and his tormentor and, in the process, is made whole.
336 pages, Hardcover
First published April 26, 2022
31 people are currently reading
2359 people want to read
About the author
Stephen Mills
2 books12 followersLibrarian's Note: There is more than one author with this name.
Also published as Stephen Tukel Mills.
Also published as Stephen Tukel Mills.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews
May 17, 2022
Edit update — I’ve been thinking about this book a lot - had several conversations with Paul. I went ‘looking’ for editorial reviews from the Jewish Council (couldn’t find one - but think there needs to be one)….
I had a hard time reviewing it -
So let me just add this…
I honestly think it’s one of the best books ever written from a male or female— but especially a male in both on the subject of childhood abuse —-
Really an important book for parents - teachers - friends - victims — in understanding deeper ways we can all be an advocate for justice -
Very compassionate writing - but also as real as the facts of the anatomy of our human bodies —
Towards the end of this book - is what I find harder talking about than even the yucky sexual graphic closer to the beginning of the book —
Because one sees how CRAZY HARD it is to stop the devastating evil —
I admired Stephen Mills for his commitment to speak out!!
An advocate for child abuse.
But even NOW… in 2022 there are people - leaders of Churches- Temples - and ordinary people so afraid to talk about what needs to be talked about —
Sexual abuse is still being swept under the rug. It really needs to stop!!
I hope more people read this book -even older teens - so they too can learn why they should not keep quiet.
Audiobook….read by Stephen Mills
…..10 hours and 55 minutes
I kept listening to this memoir - about male sexual abuse - a coming of age true story written so tenderly but brutally criminal - secretive brutal -
it shakes me to the core… just trying to express it - write about it… (review it?- is that what we call it?)
I kept listening to Stephen Mills read his story because I didn’t know how it would end for Stephen and to the evil - mentally disturbed adult - who manipulated him with candy, CD’s, gifts, and special bonding one-on-one ‘coach-type’ mentoring Stephen between the ages of 13 and 15 - while giving him blow jobs.
Sorry for being so blunt - but this memoir is blunt - sexually graphic and honest to the point - most readers (as was for me) - will make one feel so sick - so appalled-
that we (readers) are not sure what we are to do with this much in our face truth.
Stephen was almost hypnotized — stripped from his own clarity of who he was —between right and wrong -
This adult sexually abusive man tried to be giving to Stephen while taking his innocence…
What I didn’t expect to read — is where the story turned—
starting with college -
and Stephen’s increase interest in more traditional-conservative-study of Judaism and the Torah …
yes…. obviously Stephen was beginning to look for answers in ways to heal his own experience of unworthiness—which was rising to the surface.
But… I never knew where this story was going and how and if Mr. Evil died… or was in jail
…
or if Stephen was going to hit rock bottom? Get into drugs? Abuse others? Help others?
I just didn’t know all the cycles coming down the pipes before coming to this written book itself.
So… there ya have it — I clearly can’t share anymore
‘about’ the entirety of this story….
other than to say — it’s powerfully written -
‘profoundly’ affective in exposing the hidden shame, fear, uncertainty, guilt, avoidance, and traumatic stress - entangled with normal every day living -
for men who have been sexually abused —
There is no simple answer as to why adults fail to protect children from sexual abuse — but there is no excuse!!
But — often ‘some’ other person is suspicious that sexual abuse is happening-
yet they don’t speak up either.
The person being hurt might feel more anger at the person who didn’t protect them than the abuser.
The complexities, cautions and consequences run deep.
In Stephen’s memoir- as he offers up his true story — he gives us a personality profile of his abuser - not an obvious creepy guy — but somebody Stephen respected.
Stephen also offered up perspectives and useful information of bystanders who failed to protect from harm…
not excusing their wrongdoings—but why in the world did they remain silent and do nothing if evidence was even ‘slightly’ suspected.
Acknowledging betrayals of sexual abuse is complex — and so horrifically tragic.
Victims such as Stephen often felt he was partly responsible— and came to have a state in pretending and even believing that behavior must’ve been okay.
I had a hard time reviewing it -
So let me just add this…
I honestly think it’s one of the best books ever written from a male or female— but especially a male in both on the subject of childhood abuse —-
Really an important book for parents - teachers - friends - victims — in understanding deeper ways we can all be an advocate for justice -
Very compassionate writing - but also as real as the facts of the anatomy of our human bodies —
Towards the end of this book - is what I find harder talking about than even the yucky sexual graphic closer to the beginning of the book —
Because one sees how CRAZY HARD it is to stop the devastating evil —
I admired Stephen Mills for his commitment to speak out!!
An advocate for child abuse.
But even NOW… in 2022 there are people - leaders of Churches- Temples - and ordinary people so afraid to talk about what needs to be talked about —
Sexual abuse is still being swept under the rug. It really needs to stop!!
I hope more people read this book -even older teens - so they too can learn why they should not keep quiet.
Audiobook….read by Stephen Mills
…..10 hours and 55 minutes
I kept listening to this memoir - about male sexual abuse - a coming of age true story written so tenderly but brutally criminal - secretive brutal -
it shakes me to the core… just trying to express it - write about it… (review it?- is that what we call it?)
I kept listening to Stephen Mills read his story because I didn’t know how it would end for Stephen and to the evil - mentally disturbed adult - who manipulated him with candy, CD’s, gifts, and special bonding one-on-one ‘coach-type’ mentoring Stephen between the ages of 13 and 15 - while giving him blow jobs.
Sorry for being so blunt - but this memoir is blunt - sexually graphic and honest to the point - most readers (as was for me) - will make one feel so sick - so appalled-
that we (readers) are not sure what we are to do with this much in our face truth.
Stephen was almost hypnotized — stripped from his own clarity of who he was —between right and wrong -
This adult sexually abusive man tried to be giving to Stephen while taking his innocence…
What I didn’t expect to read — is where the story turned—
starting with college -
and Stephen’s increase interest in more traditional-conservative-study of Judaism and the Torah …
yes…. obviously Stephen was beginning to look for answers in ways to heal his own experience of unworthiness—which was rising to the surface.
But… I never knew where this story was going and how and if Mr. Evil died… or was in jail
…
or if Stephen was going to hit rock bottom? Get into drugs? Abuse others? Help others?
I just didn’t know all the cycles coming down the pipes before coming to this written book itself.
So… there ya have it — I clearly can’t share anymore
‘about’ the entirety of this story….
other than to say — it’s powerfully written -
‘profoundly’ affective in exposing the hidden shame, fear, uncertainty, guilt, avoidance, and traumatic stress - entangled with normal every day living -
for men who have been sexually abused —
There is no simple answer as to why adults fail to protect children from sexual abuse — but there is no excuse!!
But — often ‘some’ other person is suspicious that sexual abuse is happening-
yet they don’t speak up either.
The person being hurt might feel more anger at the person who didn’t protect them than the abuser.
The complexities, cautions and consequences run deep.
In Stephen’s memoir- as he offers up his true story — he gives us a personality profile of his abuser - not an obvious creepy guy — but somebody Stephen respected.
Stephen also offered up perspectives and useful information of bystanders who failed to protect from harm…
not excusing their wrongdoings—but why in the world did they remain silent and do nothing if evidence was even ‘slightly’ suspected.
Acknowledging betrayals of sexual abuse is complex — and so horrifically tragic.
Victims such as Stephen often felt he was partly responsible— and came to have a state in pretending and even believing that behavior must’ve been okay.
April 5, 2022
Stephen Mills' shattering and compelling memoir left me indelibly marked. It is a powerful read but also a very read-able book. Mills writes beautifully about terrible terrible events. His searing portrayal of the layers of grief, anger, guilt, bewilderment, and helplessness capture so vividly the lasting trauma of child abuse. That any child had to endure what Mills went through is heartbreaking; that (tens of?) thousands (hundreds of thousands?) of children go through it every year is a terrible crime against humanity. That our laws are so inadequate still, and our understanding anemic, is so frustrating. Mill's book will hopefully contribute to helping children and adults heal, and push all of us to do better in protecting children.
April 23, 2022
The Me Too Movement has clearly shown there are countless females who never told anyone they were sexually abused back when it happened. What about males, though? One imagines the number of males who haven’t talked is even higher than the number of females. Males are less likely to talk about such things; more likely to do violent self-destructive things, including killing themselves; and more likely to be accused of being a willing partner to what happened to them, even though they were children when it happened. There are actually perverts out there who will post online in books or movie reviews that those prosecuted for victimizing boys are the actual victims.
Hence, there has never been a better time for books, such as this memoir by Stephen Mills, to be published. The memoir shows how a boy can get caught up in a web spun by a pervert who weasels his way into a boy’s family, and makes himself seem like a caring father substitute. While Mr. Mills had a stepfather and there was no animosity between them, the death of his father left a void in his soul. A void that a highly respected social worker and camp director recognized, and realized that this was a boy who would make an excellent target. A boy who would likely keep silent. He actually was one of many boys victimized by a man who was never brought to justice, except by his eventual death from throat cancer.
The memoir shows, too, the way childhood sexual abuse and exposure to pornography can slowly rot away the heart and soul when not exposed to the light. It shows how rage can be simmering in the mind until the day it explodes and the abuse must be exposed, must come to the surface and be dealt with once and for all. Hopefully, others will follow Stephen Mill’s courageous example and not let abuse destroy them one way or another. Not let perversion become acceptable and passed off as not really damaging. This goes for both “straight" males and “gay” males. Those labeled “gay” can have additional obstacles because they are often told their sexual abuse is or was actually love, and to not think so is wrongly applying “straight” standards to “gay” people.
No, sexual abuse is sexual abuse. It is morally wrong and a crime. Sexual abuse of a child is the worst type, too. Unfortunately, as Mr. Mills showed in this memoir, crimes do not always lead to convictions in court, or even the loss of jobs. Those who victimized children are often aided and abetted by their fellow perverts, or by organizations more concerned about money than protecting children. Organizations such as the Jewish ones mentioned in this story, the Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts of America–all accomplices, all guilty of aiding and abetting for one reason or another. It’s definitely time to hold all accountable. Speak out boys and men! Speak or write or do whatever constructive thing you need to do to bring your abuse to the light. Get it out of the dark area of your soul, so you will not be a victim for the rest of your life, and you will help others not be victimized.
(Note: I received a free e-ARC of this book from NetGalley and the publisher.)
Hence, there has never been a better time for books, such as this memoir by Stephen Mills, to be published. The memoir shows how a boy can get caught up in a web spun by a pervert who weasels his way into a boy’s family, and makes himself seem like a caring father substitute. While Mr. Mills had a stepfather and there was no animosity between them, the death of his father left a void in his soul. A void that a highly respected social worker and camp director recognized, and realized that this was a boy who would make an excellent target. A boy who would likely keep silent. He actually was one of many boys victimized by a man who was never brought to justice, except by his eventual death from throat cancer.
The memoir shows, too, the way childhood sexual abuse and exposure to pornography can slowly rot away the heart and soul when not exposed to the light. It shows how rage can be simmering in the mind until the day it explodes and the abuse must be exposed, must come to the surface and be dealt with once and for all. Hopefully, others will follow Stephen Mill’s courageous example and not let abuse destroy them one way or another. Not let perversion become acceptable and passed off as not really damaging. This goes for both “straight" males and “gay” males. Those labeled “gay” can have additional obstacles because they are often told their sexual abuse is or was actually love, and to not think so is wrongly applying “straight” standards to “gay” people.
No, sexual abuse is sexual abuse. It is morally wrong and a crime. Sexual abuse of a child is the worst type, too. Unfortunately, as Mr. Mills showed in this memoir, crimes do not always lead to convictions in court, or even the loss of jobs. Those who victimized children are often aided and abetted by their fellow perverts, or by organizations more concerned about money than protecting children. Organizations such as the Jewish ones mentioned in this story, the Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts of America–all accomplices, all guilty of aiding and abetting for one reason or another. It’s definitely time to hold all accountable. Speak out boys and men! Speak or write or do whatever constructive thing you need to do to bring your abuse to the light. Get it out of the dark area of your soul, so you will not be a victim for the rest of your life, and you will help others not be victimized.
(Note: I received a free e-ARC of this book from NetGalley and the publisher.)
October 26, 2023
I've known Stephen since we were in third grade. When he told a small group of us last year that he had written a memoir about the sexual abuse he had suffered as adolescent, it left me ashen. How could we have had no clue? How come he couldn't tell us? How could his mother, someone I thought I also knew well and held in such high esteem, have been complicit in this?
There were so many questions that have haunted me about this, but that's neither here nor there. What is here is one of the most courageous and haunting books I've ever read. After all this is not kind of thing men will reveal, either out of shame that leads one to ridiculously question their "manhood" or our tendency as a society to blame the victim, especially in cases like these.
The abuse in many ways derailed Stephen's life. In a high school class of geniuses (myself excluded), he may have been the smartest of all. Who knows what his life might have been if he had not been victimized or if he at least had been able to relieve himself of the guilt at an earlier age.
While the abuser escaped justice, for decades Stephen has been pursuing those who who knew about but let it happen to others as well. I hope he gets some measure of justice not only for himself but for the other victims as well.
But my point in writing this is not just to recommend this amazing book that you will devour overnight, but to make people aware that there are people around you who no doubt are suffering silently as well. You just don't know and you might not ever know. But if you suffered from abuse, there are hotlines to call that will preserve your anonymity and help you. If someone reaches out to you, be there for them. The fact that they did is indication of what an unbelievable burden such a secret is to bear for life.
I'm a journalist. I'd stake my career on Stephen's credibility. Get this book, read it, tell others about it. You'll find yourself like me, wishing he had been able to devote his enormous writing talent to another subject, but in the end I'm glad he had the guts to do this. Sexual abuse is a national epidemic and disgrace that must be stopped now.
There were so many questions that have haunted me about this, but that's neither here nor there. What is here is one of the most courageous and haunting books I've ever read. After all this is not kind of thing men will reveal, either out of shame that leads one to ridiculously question their "manhood" or our tendency as a society to blame the victim, especially in cases like these.
The abuse in many ways derailed Stephen's life. In a high school class of geniuses (myself excluded), he may have been the smartest of all. Who knows what his life might have been if he had not been victimized or if he at least had been able to relieve himself of the guilt at an earlier age.
While the abuser escaped justice, for decades Stephen has been pursuing those who who knew about but let it happen to others as well. I hope he gets some measure of justice not only for himself but for the other victims as well.
But my point in writing this is not just to recommend this amazing book that you will devour overnight, but to make people aware that there are people around you who no doubt are suffering silently as well. You just don't know and you might not ever know. But if you suffered from abuse, there are hotlines to call that will preserve your anonymity and help you. If someone reaches out to you, be there for them. The fact that they did is indication of what an unbelievable burden such a secret is to bear for life.
I'm a journalist. I'd stake my career on Stephen's credibility. Get this book, read it, tell others about it. You'll find yourself like me, wishing he had been able to devote his enormous writing talent to another subject, but in the end I'm glad he had the guts to do this. Sexual abuse is a national epidemic and disgrace that must be stopped now.
April 26, 2022
I don’t *usually* rate memoirs (I don’t like putting a number on someone’s personal experiences), but I want to do my part in boosting this one in hopes more people will learn about it.
This book is incredibly difficult to read. But many of the blurbs on the book and within reviews say this book will save lives, and I firmly believe that it will.
Stephen Mills so bravely takes the reader through the unthinkable: how he was groomed and sexually abused for years by a man his parents (and he) entrusted to care for and serve as a role model for him. From the moment he stepped foot on his summer camp’s soil when he was 13 he wasn’t safe, and it would be decades before he would be able to confront these demons, the people who failed to protect him, begin his journey to healing, and share his account with the world through this book.
Mills writes in compelling prose and a unique voice that changes as he grows. His story is shattering to begin with, but he writes in a child-like voice at the beginning, which makes it even more heart-wrenching and infuriating.
There are so many systems that are failing kids, and while these systems have improved over the years, there are still so many ways people in positions of power can abuse that power, and at such a heartbreaking cost. My hope is that Mills’ book will contribute to healing, while exposing these systems and bringing them to justice.
Thank you to Henry Holt Books and Stephen Mills for a gifted copy of CHOSEN. All thoughts are mine.
This book is incredibly difficult to read. But many of the blurbs on the book and within reviews say this book will save lives, and I firmly believe that it will.
Stephen Mills so bravely takes the reader through the unthinkable: how he was groomed and sexually abused for years by a man his parents (and he) entrusted to care for and serve as a role model for him. From the moment he stepped foot on his summer camp’s soil when he was 13 he wasn’t safe, and it would be decades before he would be able to confront these demons, the people who failed to protect him, begin his journey to healing, and share his account with the world through this book.
Mills writes in compelling prose and a unique voice that changes as he grows. His story is shattering to begin with, but he writes in a child-like voice at the beginning, which makes it even more heart-wrenching and infuriating.
There are so many systems that are failing kids, and while these systems have improved over the years, there are still so many ways people in positions of power can abuse that power, and at such a heartbreaking cost. My hope is that Mills’ book will contribute to healing, while exposing these systems and bringing them to justice.
Thank you to Henry Holt Books and Stephen Mills for a gifted copy of CHOSEN. All thoughts are mine.
June 20, 2022
This was really difficult to read, but it delivered a very powerful lesson. Pay attention to your children and how things affect them. And above all, if you see suspicious behavior between kids and adults, say something. Do something.
The first third of the book was very graphic describing sexual abuse and the grooming that often accompanies it. The second section deals with the trauma that ensues long after the abuse itself ends. By the last part(the “reckoning”), I could not put it down. I hope by writing his story, the author will have some peace at last. I heard your message loud and clear. Parents and adults all need to do better where children are concerned.
The first third of the book was very graphic describing sexual abuse and the grooming that often accompanies it. The second section deals with the trauma that ensues long after the abuse itself ends. By the last part(the “reckoning”), I could not put it down. I hope by writing his story, the author will have some peace at last. I heard your message loud and clear. Parents and adults all need to do better where children are concerned.
August 9, 2022
Religion is evil. The more I read memoirs of people forced to comply to religion who are abused as part of this upbringing, the more convinced I am that organized religion is the root of all human evil.
This book is pretty horrifying if you are unaware of how easy it is for children to be singled out and isolated and abused by people who look ordinary and friendly to parents. Hell, it's horrifying even if you are aware.
The trail of broken men left behind the predator described herein is staggering, as is the inaction that surrounded his known patterns of abuse. At least he's finally dead.
This book is pretty horrifying if you are unaware of how easy it is for children to be singled out and isolated and abused by people who look ordinary and friendly to parents. Hell, it's horrifying even if you are aware.
The trail of broken men left behind the predator described herein is staggering, as is the inaction that surrounded his known patterns of abuse. At least he's finally dead.
May 12, 2022
“This is a book that will save lives” (Junot Diaz)
In a culture that prefers to look away, this brave book forces us to not to.
In a culture that prefers to look away, this brave book forces us to not to.
December 9, 2022
This memoir is gut wrenching. Mills shines a spotlight on the dark subject of child sexual abuse which is an uncomfortable subject for most people. It is difficult for the kids and families to seek justice and take legal action because it’s such a harrowing ordeal to confront the institutions that don’t want massive lawsuits.
This is an important book for parents, school officials, teachers, counselors, camp directors, and religious leaders to read. This issue is too prevalent and needs to be dealt with… in an honest and healing way. Hoping this book will help others to see the early warning signs and intervene on behalf of our youth.
I found myself getting angry at the author for so many poor choices on his part but I understand his reluctance to seek out help and confide in someone. I think there is more awareness and assistance nowadays for kids to get help. My heart goes out to the author and the many who have been traumatized.
This is an important book for parents, school officials, teachers, counselors, camp directors, and religious leaders to read. This issue is too prevalent and needs to be dealt with… in an honest and healing way. Hoping this book will help others to see the early warning signs and intervene on behalf of our youth.
I found myself getting angry at the author for so many poor choices on his part but I understand his reluctance to seek out help and confide in someone. I think there is more awareness and assistance nowadays for kids to get help. My heart goes out to the author and the many who have been traumatized.
September 24, 2023
I heard stephen mills speak on jim clemente’s podcast and he mentioned his memoir , the importance of vigilance , extending the statute of limitations and shedding light on crimes against children .
This book is NOT for everyone . It is a first hand account of the author’s grooming and childhood sexual abuse .
At times I wondered if i could continue reading it .
Five stars —— for the author , his ability to face the man that assaulted him and gain a sense of freedom by sharing his story .
This book is NOT for everyone . It is a first hand account of the author’s grooming and childhood sexual abuse .
At times I wondered if i could continue reading it .
Five stars —— for the author , his ability to face the man that assaulted him and gain a sense of freedom by sharing his story .
August 29, 2025
Brave and raw; important perspective from a straight male survivor of childhood abuse. Not beautifully written or retrospective in a unique way, but important in the story’s own right and the authors courage in sharing.
December 21, 2022
A powerful story that shows the profound effect child sexual abuse has on a person’s life, well into their adult years. A difficult but important read.
March 13, 2023
A heartbreaking memoir of childhood sexual abuse and the prolonged devastating after affects. I applaud Mills for having the courage to come forward.
May 21, 2024
This memoir is not an easy read because of the topic of sexual assault that the author endured as a 13yrs old boy. It’s like watching a trainwreck happening and you cannot look away.
March 18, 2023
Easily the saddest book I've ever read. Not "sad" as in sorrow or tear-jerking, but "sad" as in heart-breaking. I've read many memoirs of sexual abuse/assault survivors, but it wasn't until I read this one did I realize all the other books I've read have been about/by women. I've never read about a child's sexual abuse from a man's point of view.
This book detailed in first-person his vulnerability, grooming, abuse & the accompanying denial, secrecy, shame. The excruciating second half details his PTSD, acceptance of the truth and journey to recovery. The whole book, like his life, is told in and around the author's Jewish culture & religion.
I've never been informed of the symptoms of PTSD from a first-hand account. I was overwhelmed by each moment of his story, from childhood to adulthood. This author pulled at my every heart string and enlightened me to Jewish culture, language, practices, and religious traditions along the way.
Chosen is perfectly written, well-paced & unnerving to read. Highly recommend.
This book detailed in first-person his vulnerability, grooming, abuse & the accompanying denial, secrecy, shame. The excruciating second half details his PTSD, acceptance of the truth and journey to recovery. The whole book, like his life, is told in and around the author's Jewish culture & religion.
I've never been informed of the symptoms of PTSD from a first-hand account. I was overwhelmed by each moment of his story, from childhood to adulthood. This author pulled at my every heart string and enlightened me to Jewish culture, language, practices, and religious traditions along the way.
Chosen is perfectly written, well-paced & unnerving to read. Highly recommend.
April 14, 2022
Powerful and heartbreaking are only two of the many adjectives I can use to describe Chosen, Stephen Mills’ account of a life nearly destroyed by sexual abuse he encountered at age 13 by the head of his summer camp. The abuse continued until he was 15. The abuser wormed his way into the Mills family, becoming a close friend of his parents, and he was always afraid that his parents would find out.
Skillfully told, Mills recounts the story of his life, and his terrifying experiences with PTSD brought on by the abuse. These episodes were very difficult to read emotionally, knowing from our current perspective what the cause was, yet not necessarily known at the time Mills was in therapy. It also recounts his efforts at bringing his abuser to justice.
This book should be widely read as it provides a powerful insight into how lives are devastated by sexual abuse.
My thanks to Henry Holt and Company and to Netgalley for providing an ARC of this extremely important book.
Skillfully told, Mills recounts the story of his life, and his terrifying experiences with PTSD brought on by the abuse. These episodes were very difficult to read emotionally, knowing from our current perspective what the cause was, yet not necessarily known at the time Mills was in therapy. It also recounts his efforts at bringing his abuser to justice.
This book should be widely read as it provides a powerful insight into how lives are devastated by sexual abuse.
My thanks to Henry Holt and Company and to Netgalley for providing an ARC of this extremely important book.
April 16, 2023
5/5 Stars
More than just a memoir account of how Stephen Mills’ boyhood was stolen out from under him, CHOSEN is a clarion call to arms to protect children before they grow into adults who must write memoirs about the experiences that gouged out the author’s soul and left him blind and fumbling through much of the rest of his life.
I felt privileged to be invited in to such a vulnerable and intimate space with Mills, as he wove his story from the parlor and backyard of his childhood home, growing up with his parents and family members, which eventually led to attending summer camp before his world fell apart in several ways: his father was disabled by multiple sclerosis and passed away, his mother remarried and found the loss of her first husband too painful to carry, so she pushed it away, and this led to Mills being chosen at 13 by his camp counselor, a pedophile in hiding, seeking to devour Mills and as many other vulnerable boys as possible.
The nightmares began, the predatory grip his abuser had on him kept him silent behind a wall of shame and guilt over not fighting back, despite the very evident power differential. Mills reports slowly drowning under the weight of this terrible secret that hypnotized him and kept him in a hypervigilant thrall.
From there he slowly tore himself apart, trying to keep the self he projected to the world separate from the self he had to hide away so no one would discover his terrible secret. Everything in his life unraveled, and came apart, roads collapsed, and his life slowly unraveled.
Mills tried to keep it together and get an education, but he was helpless against the monster he was hiding from everyone else. Mills tried to keep busy with a job, and eventually with world travel, but again, he was too weak to fight back against his secret. This led to significant substance use, and struggle, all the things Mills tried in vain to fill the void of his gouged-out soul.
The incredible bravery of Mills to authentically reveal these details to us in the pages of his memoir is what resonated so strongly with me. As a survivor of sexual assault, myself, I know all too well the voice screaming in your head to run away, run away, run away! Instead, Mills turns toward his monster and tells us everything, effectively handing shame and guilt back to the monster, and his abuser, and beginning to turn toward his own journey of healing and recovery.
Admittedly, Mills is human, and not without mistakes and unhealthy choices, but given what he struggled through, it’s amazing that he can slay the dragon the way he has in these pages.
To Stephen Mills, I say, “thank you, sir,” and I receive what his book has gifted me: a sword of my own to join in the battle, along with armor to do justly, love mercy, and walk with my God. Now I’m ready to slay the dragons of this world.
More than just a memoir account of how Stephen Mills’ boyhood was stolen out from under him, CHOSEN is a clarion call to arms to protect children before they grow into adults who must write memoirs about the experiences that gouged out the author’s soul and left him blind and fumbling through much of the rest of his life.
I felt privileged to be invited in to such a vulnerable and intimate space with Mills, as he wove his story from the parlor and backyard of his childhood home, growing up with his parents and family members, which eventually led to attending summer camp before his world fell apart in several ways: his father was disabled by multiple sclerosis and passed away, his mother remarried and found the loss of her first husband too painful to carry, so she pushed it away, and this led to Mills being chosen at 13 by his camp counselor, a pedophile in hiding, seeking to devour Mills and as many other vulnerable boys as possible.
The nightmares began, the predatory grip his abuser had on him kept him silent behind a wall of shame and guilt over not fighting back, despite the very evident power differential. Mills reports slowly drowning under the weight of this terrible secret that hypnotized him and kept him in a hypervigilant thrall.
From there he slowly tore himself apart, trying to keep the self he projected to the world separate from the self he had to hide away so no one would discover his terrible secret. Everything in his life unraveled, and came apart, roads collapsed, and his life slowly unraveled.
Mills tried to keep it together and get an education, but he was helpless against the monster he was hiding from everyone else. Mills tried to keep busy with a job, and eventually with world travel, but again, he was too weak to fight back against his secret. This led to significant substance use, and struggle, all the things Mills tried in vain to fill the void of his gouged-out soul.
The incredible bravery of Mills to authentically reveal these details to us in the pages of his memoir is what resonated so strongly with me. As a survivor of sexual assault, myself, I know all too well the voice screaming in your head to run away, run away, run away! Instead, Mills turns toward his monster and tells us everything, effectively handing shame and guilt back to the monster, and his abuser, and beginning to turn toward his own journey of healing and recovery.
Admittedly, Mills is human, and not without mistakes and unhealthy choices, but given what he struggled through, it’s amazing that he can slay the dragon the way he has in these pages.
To Stephen Mills, I say, “thank you, sir,” and I receive what his book has gifted me: a sword of my own to join in the battle, along with armor to do justly, love mercy, and walk with my God. Now I’m ready to slay the dragons of this world.
September 21, 2022
Today's nonfiction post is on Chosen: A Memoir of Stolen Boyhood by Stephen Mills. It is 318 pages long and is published by Henry Holt and Company. The cover is a picture of a lake with the woods behind it. The intended reader is someone who is interested in survival memoirs. There is some foul language, discussion of sexual abuse, and mild violence. There Be Spoilers Ahead.
From the dust jacket- At thirteen years old, Stephen Mills is chosen for special attention by the director of the Jewish summer camp, a charismatic social worker intent on becoming his friend. Stephen, whose father had died when he was four, places his trust in this authority figure, who first grooms and then molests him for two years.
Stephen tells no one, but the aftershocks rip through his adult life, as intense as his denial: self-loathing, drug abuse, petty crime, and horrific nightmares, all made made worse by the discovery that his abuser is moving from cap to camp, state to state, molesting other boys. Only physical and mental collapse brings Stephen to confront the truth of his boyhood and begin the painful process of recovery- as well as a decades-long crusade to stop a serial predator, find justice, and hold to account those who failed the children in their care.
The trauma of sexual abuse is shared by one out of every six men, yet few have broken their silence. Un flinching and compulsively readable, Chosen eloquently speaks for those countless others and their families. It is a rare act of consummate courage and generosity- the indelible story of a man who faces his torment and his tormentor and, in the process, is made whole.
Review- This is a moving memoir of survival and healing from great trauma. Mills was already traumatized before he met his abuser, as his mother refused to speak of his biological father at all, in fact she tried to erase him from their lives. So Mills felt cut off from a father figure, then his abuser comes into his life. After follows a tragically standard abuse script and Mills does not hold back on details but he does describe the events from his child's perspective. The reader travels with Mills on his long journey towards the truth and honesty about what happened to him. At times it is very hard to read this book because Mills does not hold back but I was so invested in Mills and his journey, that I could not leave him half-way. I needed to see him deal with his trauma and find life and hope on the other side. I would recommend this book but with a warning about the sexual abuse that Mills survived.
I give this memoir a Five out of Five stars. I get nothing for my review and I borrowed this my local library.
From the dust jacket- At thirteen years old, Stephen Mills is chosen for special attention by the director of the Jewish summer camp, a charismatic social worker intent on becoming his friend. Stephen, whose father had died when he was four, places his trust in this authority figure, who first grooms and then molests him for two years.
Stephen tells no one, but the aftershocks rip through his adult life, as intense as his denial: self-loathing, drug abuse, petty crime, and horrific nightmares, all made made worse by the discovery that his abuser is moving from cap to camp, state to state, molesting other boys. Only physical and mental collapse brings Stephen to confront the truth of his boyhood and begin the painful process of recovery- as well as a decades-long crusade to stop a serial predator, find justice, and hold to account those who failed the children in their care.
The trauma of sexual abuse is shared by one out of every six men, yet few have broken their silence. Un flinching and compulsively readable, Chosen eloquently speaks for those countless others and their families. It is a rare act of consummate courage and generosity- the indelible story of a man who faces his torment and his tormentor and, in the process, is made whole.
Review- This is a moving memoir of survival and healing from great trauma. Mills was already traumatized before he met his abuser, as his mother refused to speak of his biological father at all, in fact she tried to erase him from their lives. So Mills felt cut off from a father figure, then his abuser comes into his life. After follows a tragically standard abuse script and Mills does not hold back on details but he does describe the events from his child's perspective. The reader travels with Mills on his long journey towards the truth and honesty about what happened to him. At times it is very hard to read this book because Mills does not hold back but I was so invested in Mills and his journey, that I could not leave him half-way. I needed to see him deal with his trauma and find life and hope on the other side. I would recommend this book but with a warning about the sexual abuse that Mills survived.
I give this memoir a Five out of Five stars. I get nothing for my review and I borrowed this my local library.
March 19, 2024
"Chosen" by Stephen Mills is a poignant memoir that delves into the depths of trauma, survival, and healing. As I read it, I found myself emotionally invested in Stephen's journey, rooting for him to find solace and understanding amidst the turmoil of his past.
Mills eloquently captures a survivor's struggles and inner turmoil, drawing readers into his world with raw honesty and vulnerability. As a survivor myself, I found his narrative deeply relatable, resonating with the complexities of trauma and its aftermath. The author's portrayal of his battles with feelings of worthlessness, the longing for escape, and the pervasive sense of isolation is both haunting and profoundly moving. This book can serve as a beacon of understanding for male survivors, reminding them that they are not alone in their experiences.
One of the most compelling aspects of "Chosen" is Mills' exploration of the journey towards self-discovery and acceptance. His gradual realization that he is not alone in his pain is decisive, highlighting the importance of connection and community in the healing process.
Witnessing him piece his life back together, brick by brick, is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
Furthermore, "Chosen" is more than just a personal narrative; it is a valuable resource for survivors, particularly male survivors, who may find solace and validation in Mills' experiences. While every survivor's journey is unique, the emotions and struggles depicted in this book are universal, offering readers a sense of camaraderie and understanding.
However, it's important to note that "Chosen" does not shy away from the darker aspects of trauma. Readers should be prepared for visceral reactions, ranging from anger to sorrow, as Mills courageously confronts the pain of his past. Yet, amidst the darkness, moments of profound joy and resilience serve as beacons of hope.
In conclusion, "Chosen" is a masterfully written memoir that sheds light on the complexities of trauma and the transformative power of healing.
Stephen Mills' journey is a testament to the human capacity for resilience and redemption, offering hope and inspiration to survivors everywhere.
This book is not just a story but a lifeline for those navigating their path toward healing and self-discovery. It's a reminder that no matter how dark the past, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Mills eloquently captures a survivor's struggles and inner turmoil, drawing readers into his world with raw honesty and vulnerability. As a survivor myself, I found his narrative deeply relatable, resonating with the complexities of trauma and its aftermath. The author's portrayal of his battles with feelings of worthlessness, the longing for escape, and the pervasive sense of isolation is both haunting and profoundly moving. This book can serve as a beacon of understanding for male survivors, reminding them that they are not alone in their experiences.
One of the most compelling aspects of "Chosen" is Mills' exploration of the journey towards self-discovery and acceptance. His gradual realization that he is not alone in his pain is decisive, highlighting the importance of connection and community in the healing process.
Witnessing him piece his life back together, brick by brick, is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
Furthermore, "Chosen" is more than just a personal narrative; it is a valuable resource for survivors, particularly male survivors, who may find solace and validation in Mills' experiences. While every survivor's journey is unique, the emotions and struggles depicted in this book are universal, offering readers a sense of camaraderie and understanding.
However, it's important to note that "Chosen" does not shy away from the darker aspects of trauma. Readers should be prepared for visceral reactions, ranging from anger to sorrow, as Mills courageously confronts the pain of his past. Yet, amidst the darkness, moments of profound joy and resilience serve as beacons of hope.
In conclusion, "Chosen" is a masterfully written memoir that sheds light on the complexities of trauma and the transformative power of healing.
Stephen Mills' journey is a testament to the human capacity for resilience and redemption, offering hope and inspiration to survivors everywhere.
This book is not just a story but a lifeline for those navigating their path toward healing and self-discovery. It's a reminder that no matter how dark the past, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
February 11, 2023
Moving. Powerful. Heartbreaking. Those are the three words that comes to mind when I think about this book.
After years and years of torment, Stephen Mills has written the whole story about how he was targeted by the Social Worker who was running his Jewish Summer Camp. While you know going into this what this story is going to be about, I have to say, it is shocking to get to the part where the grooming and molestation does start to take place. Perhaps it is more shocking to me as I am also a social worker and, since our profession is all about helping, I cannot imagine someone targeting young boys like the social worker in this story.
As upsetting as the grooming and abuse is, I found the aftermath to hold the most learning. Stephen writes wonderfully about his struggle with acceptance. He seemed lost for many years, trying to deal with what happened to him for two years during his teenage years. He was searching for his place in the world, trying different things out, obviously trying to figure out which direction made the most sense in his life, while pushing down what happened in his past so he did not have to deal with it. It is only after traveling the world, then coming back to New York and go through therapy does Stephen finally begin to understand what happened to him, and that it was not his fault.
I could not put this book down. Despite the subject matter which, fair warning, you might want to skip over the parts where he does talk about what kind of abuse he endured, I think Stephen does an excellent job of showing the before, middle, and now of his journey. The before the abuse started with his home life; losing his father, his mother remarrying and effectively replacing the father he had little memory of. The the years where he lived with the abuse, and why he did not say anything. Then after while Stephen was trying to figure himself out, without really dealing with the abuse. Eventually the abuse catches up with him and, while he did try to do help others and do something about his abuser, in the end, it just did not happen.
Overall, while reading this book, I was filled with admiration for Stephen and thank him for recounting this story so others can learn from it in the future.
After years and years of torment, Stephen Mills has written the whole story about how he was targeted by the Social Worker who was running his Jewish Summer Camp. While you know going into this what this story is going to be about, I have to say, it is shocking to get to the part where the grooming and molestation does start to take place. Perhaps it is more shocking to me as I am also a social worker and, since our profession is all about helping, I cannot imagine someone targeting young boys like the social worker in this story.
As upsetting as the grooming and abuse is, I found the aftermath to hold the most learning. Stephen writes wonderfully about his struggle with acceptance. He seemed lost for many years, trying to deal with what happened to him for two years during his teenage years. He was searching for his place in the world, trying different things out, obviously trying to figure out which direction made the most sense in his life, while pushing down what happened in his past so he did not have to deal with it. It is only after traveling the world, then coming back to New York and go through therapy does Stephen finally begin to understand what happened to him, and that it was not his fault.
I could not put this book down. Despite the subject matter which, fair warning, you might want to skip over the parts where he does talk about what kind of abuse he endured, I think Stephen does an excellent job of showing the before, middle, and now of his journey. The before the abuse started with his home life; losing his father, his mother remarrying and effectively replacing the father he had little memory of. The the years where he lived with the abuse, and why he did not say anything. Then after while Stephen was trying to figure himself out, without really dealing with the abuse. Eventually the abuse catches up with him and, while he did try to do help others and do something about his abuser, in the end, it just did not happen.
Overall, while reading this book, I was filled with admiration for Stephen and thank him for recounting this story so others can learn from it in the future.
May 20, 2022
This was a sad book. The author's descriptions of the childhood sexual abuse he endured at the hands of his camp counselor was disturbing to say the least. Understandably, this terrible, ongoing abuse affected the author both in adolescence and throughout his adulthood, leading to all sorts of mental and physical health issues that gravely impacted his life. It was difficult to listen to, but it was a story that needed to be told. I would have liked it to be a bit more fast-paced; the story dragged for me, likely in part due to the intense subject matter discussed as well as the way that the memoir was structured.
I read a lot about trauma and abuse, but this story was particularly hard to hear for some reason. I think, in large part, this is because it was sexual abuse inflicted upon a male child—a kind of story we hear about less often, despite the many men who suffered this trauma as a child. It was also challenging to hear about how the author's family and community didn't protect him; as an adult and as an educator, I think this was the hardest for me. All in all, a challenging story to hear, but an important one.
I read a lot about trauma and abuse, but this story was particularly hard to hear for some reason. I think, in large part, this is because it was sexual abuse inflicted upon a male child—a kind of story we hear about less often, despite the many men who suffered this trauma as a child. It was also challenging to hear about how the author's family and community didn't protect him; as an adult and as an educator, I think this was the hardest for me. All in all, a challenging story to hear, but an important one.
September 19, 2023
What a heart wrenching memoir that details the childhood sexual abuse by a man in authority who was perceived to be so powerful that no one could touch him during the abuse or in the decades afterwards. Stephen Mills takes us down the harrowing disintegration of his mental health and even his physical health as he begins to, at some level, process what happened to him. Timing is everything and he was a bit ahead of his time in terms of exposing and prosecuting this type of predator and having anybody take him seriously. But in some ways redemption does happen through a lot of therapy, family reconnection, love from his wife, and finding other victims/survivors, so he didn’t feel so alone. Truly a very moving and important book reminding us that the most vulnerable amongst us are the ones that we have to truly protect. I think this should be required reading for all parents and any administrators that are responsible for children.
February 26, 2026
The reviews that have been written all eloquently express the power of this memoir in terms of both the description of what happened to Mills and the devastating impact of childhood sexual abuse on a person's life. The descriptions of trying to seek justice in the 1980's when acknowledging the reality of sexual abuse even for girls, much less boys, was just beginning is also heart wrenching.
I think of equal importance is that it addresses the issue of sexual abuse in the Jewish community and not just the Orthodox community. It is a matter of good timing that this book originally came out just as the progressive Jewish movements were having to wrestle with sexual harassment to sexual abuse in varying camps. As too many Jewish survivors were told in the 80's 90's, and sometimes later that abuse doesn't happen in the Jewish community, it is important that their are memoirs published that break down that myth.
I think of equal importance is that it addresses the issue of sexual abuse in the Jewish community and not just the Orthodox community. It is a matter of good timing that this book originally came out just as the progressive Jewish movements were having to wrestle with sexual harassment to sexual abuse in varying camps. As too many Jewish survivors were told in the 80's 90's, and sometimes later that abuse doesn't happen in the Jewish community, it is important that their are memoirs published that break down that myth.
April 22, 2023
Chosen is a powerful, heartbreaking account of Stephen Mills' years of sexual abuse by the predatory director of his summer camp, Stephen Farinella, a man who went on to abuse many others in his lifetime--and the far-reaching effects it had afterward. Mills is brave and open and extremely articulate about the self-destructive odyssey the molestation sent him on as a young adult and how difficult and all-pervasive the psychic damage was for most of his life. He writes with a novelist's flair for pacing, detail, and psychological clarity. You'll be outraged at the lack of help he got from anyone in authority when, as an adult, he finally attempted to stop Farinella from continuing to abuse boys, but you'll also be encouraged by how much has changed between his first attempts and those, decades later, that are bearing fruit. Difficult reading but highly recommended.
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July 7, 2022Very hard read.
Account of the author's experience of being groomed and molested by a serial predator who everyone knew was abusing boys but still looked the other way. It also shows that despite laws, many organizations--the Catholic Church, Boys Scouts, Jewish Youth Organizations--hide the abuse, quietly let the abuser walk away to hurt others rather than face negative publicity. Also, even the FBI is a bit reluctant to prosecute and investigate these cases.
The author did a fantastic showing not only how it derailed his life but also tainted every other relationship in his life and blew his own family apart.
Account of the author's experience of being groomed and molested by a serial predator who everyone knew was abusing boys but still looked the other way. It also shows that despite laws, many organizations--the Catholic Church, Boys Scouts, Jewish Youth Organizations--hide the abuse, quietly let the abuser walk away to hurt others rather than face negative publicity. Also, even the FBI is a bit reluctant to prosecute and investigate these cases.
The author did a fantastic showing not only how it derailed his life but also tainted every other relationship in his life and blew his own family apart.
September 4, 2024
A difficult but important read, especially as a camp director (but for anyone who works with children). Mills offers a brutally honest look at how sexual assault has long and tragic consequences, not just for the individual but for an entire family. I hope we have learned a tremendous amount since he experienced this decades ago, but sadly, I'm sure it still happens with the same terrible outcomes.
September 2, 2022
This was a fascinating look into how childhood trauma can cause physical and emotional fallout throughout all of life. It is so frustrating to have the book end without anyone taking accountability but it is an important reminder that the fight is still ongoing to bring individuals and organizations who commit or enable abuses to justice for their actions or inactions.
January 15, 2023
This was a powerful story of a man’s journey of being abused has a teen. Recovering from sexual abuse and having to battle all the key players in covering up the abuse many young teens suffered. It’s a story that many victims go through, dealing with family dynamics afterwards, unhelpful law enforcement (at this time) and moving forward with life.
May 18, 2023
This a gut wrenching book and excellently written. The author shares every terrifying moment during his abuse and the nightmares that followed after in great detail. It made my heart break and angry for any victim of sexual abuse. It is eye opening to read and learn about his ordeal of trying to mask and not deal with the abuse and then finally confront it.
January 22, 2025
I picked this book up after going to an event the author spoke at. It’s not an easy topic to read about but it’s an important one. Women are having their Me Too movement. I hope this memoir helps the many boys and men have theirs as well. It’s long overdue. This memoir is raw and very honest. I applaud Stephen for writing this and sharing his story with those willing to hear it.
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