Why Weren't We Taught This at School? The surprisingly simple secret to transforming life's challenges

by Alice Sheldon

A beautifully simple guide to the relationship skills we all so deeply need, but most of us don’t know how to access. This book belongs firmly on the curriculum for creating a more peaceful world. - Dr Scilla Elworthy, three times for the Nobel Peace Prize nominee

This book is a tool box. Keep it close at hand and dip in often. - Jim Carter OBE and Imelda Staunton CBE, actors

Brilliant, easy to understand, and applies with equal force in personal and professional contexts. - Sharif Shivji QC, barrister specialising in commercial law

Why weren’t we taught this at school? introduces Needs Understanding, a fresh approach for finding creative solutions and building relationships at home and at work. It’s based on one simple idea: we’re all on a quest to meet our underlying human needs – such as belonging, knowing we matter, and fun.

Whether you are trying to make a tricky decision, communicate more effectively, parent the way you want to, or make a difference in the world, Needs Understanding can help.

* Understand the ‘fingerprint needs’ that drive your behaviour
* Discover 10 ways you listen that alienate other people, and what to do instead
* Stop blaming yourself and others, and fix what’s going on underneath
* Find creative solutions to difficult problems by ‘walking around the mountain’
* Empower yourself to change the world.

Alice Sheldon is the creator of Needs Understanding and shares it globally with individuals and organizations.

Genres: Relationships

232 pages, Paperback

Published October 21, 2021

Reviews

[Alicia Bayer · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a fine book about nonviolent communication, empathy and relationships. The problem is that the title and subtitle do not in any way communicate that these are the focus. I went into the book expecting it to be about things we should have been taught in school in general and about "challenges" as the cover blurb says it does. It applies to challenges in terms of understanding people and ourselves, mostly to avoid conflicts. It does this in a way that's quite easy to understand and the author is very likeable. The whole book felt like a homework assignment in a psychology book to me, though, not something I wanted to keep reading for pleasure. My mother was a psychologist and psychology professor and I've taken plenty of psychology classes, so perhaps this is my own bias.

I read a digital ARC of this book via Net Galley.

[Anya · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's well written, but there's nothing new under the sun in this book. Same concept as other self-help books with the main focus on empathy and communication.

[ywanderingreads · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was most intrigued with this title. As an educator, I feel there are many things we can teach our children, not just in an academic sense but also how to empathise and be kind to others and learning how to say no.

This self-help by Alice Sheldon talks about understanding a person’s needs. She calls it the ‘Needs Understanding’ approach. How can we better understand our own needs and the needs of others? How do we compromise? It all comes down to being kind and empathising with others. By doing this, we are able to create a more meaningful and understanding relationship with others and more importantly, ourselves. A few things I’ve learned from this:

- When someone opens up to us, we tend to unintentionally be quick to give advice instead of giving our full attention by listening first. I am sometimes definitely guilty of this, sorry friends!
- Validating someone’s feelings doesn’t mean that we agree with their perspective, only that we understand them.
- Do not be quick to shut out your judgemental thoughts, understand why you have them in the first place.
- We are our own worst critique. Instead of being so harsh on ourselves, we can learn to understand ourself with compassion and take care of them in a way that works for us.
- We tend to see taking care of our needs as selfish and that we need to be more productive but we sometimes we fail to realise that by taking care of our needs better, we make room to be a better person for others. We should never have to feel guilty for taking care of ourselves first. This is something I am still learning to do.
- Learning to compromise and saying no. How many times have we wanted to say no to something but ended up saying yes? Saying no is not a bad thing, instead this can teach us to compromise and validate our feelings to others. In turn, we might come up with solutions that could surprise us.

I know there are already many books out there that touch on this topic but what I enjoy about this is that there are pause boxes at the end of each section which I feel are good journal prompts and also good for creating boundaries for yourself and understanding your needs a little better. I like that Sheldon’s writing is straight to the point and she gives real-life examples that everyone can relate to. I caught myself thinking about situations I’ve been in and how I could have handled them better.

Thank you Netgalley and Practical Inspiration Publishing for the arc!

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I approached the book with great interest as I have so often thought about how different our society might be if children were brought up using the language of needs.

It’s fundamental; with an understanding of needs we enter a whole new world, one in which we find we have more choice in how we behave, how we respond to others and to our own emotions that, in the other world, might not get any respect or acknowledgement. I find it heartening to read a book that explains how to find this world, in a gentle and caring way.

I love the format of the book; the chapters are arranged in such a way that takes us logically through the method Alice Sheldon advocates, with exercises to do along the way to help embed and embody the techniques, and, just in case we didn’t take it all in, a re-iteration of the important points at the end of each chapter, given with utmost respect and consideration for our needs as readers.

I find the illustrations a handy reminder of what is being taught at any given place throughout the book, and they break the pages up visually so that people who have a strong visual sense aren’t overwhelmed by the sheer number of words to read.

I love the idea that we all carry around ‘fingerprint needs’ from childhood. The idea that we might still be living with the same unmet needs from early childhood, so naming them and acknowledging them can transform how we go about trying to meet them.

Why isn’t this taught in schools? I believe it’s revolutionary and could change the world beyond what the powers that be would like if people learnt to master the power of Needs Understanding at an early age.

[Lo Ritchie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a true gem and would have saved me years of inner work and a lot of money spent in adult education and therapy if I had been taught this at school, indeed!
Alice Sheldon has created a very succinct and easy to read book, with totally relatable practical examples of human interaction that made me laugh and touched me at the same time. This is not a novel, but had me gripped from the first page as if it were. This is not a workbook, but can easily be used as one. It's really easy to just read through the chapters and you will find yourself nodding in agreement with the stories presented and also inspired to reflect on your own experience and daily dealings with folk around you. I have read many books on the same topic (needs-focussed communication) and learned directly from the founder of NVC for 10 years and can verify that everything written here is in alignment with Marshall Rosenberg's teachings. What a beautiful invitation this book is - Toolbox, yes, definitely. Original, fresh and inspiring, absolutely! I especially love the "fingerprint needs" and filling the "internal tank". Plenty of titbits that are easy to put into practice in your everyday life. If there was one single book to actively create happiness in your life, this is it.

[Catherine Weetman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Midway through the first chapter, I knew this book could transform relationships and interactions with family, friends, colleagues - everyone!

I've been interested in psychology, behavioural change and other topics for years, and this book seems to get to the heart of what makes us tick, with relatable examples to bring it to life. Even better, those examples and the tools in the book make it easy to reflect on problematic situations and see how we could easily improve them, for us and those around us.

The author's writing style is warm and engaging, and the book is refreshingly jargon-free. It's easy to imagine yourself in the example situations, and to see how your 'fingerprint' needs have been deeply embedded since childhood - and how they underpin our behaviours now (helpfully or not!)

I'd highly recommend this book to anyone, and I plan to buy the print version too.

[Melvyn · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF.

Interesting topic and I can’t say I didn’t learn a few things from this book. But I think I got a little caught off guard when I started reading as it wasn’t what I was expecting at all from the title and the cover (although I know I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover).

I appreciate the intent behind the content but just didn’t feel it was anything new from what I usually hear about improving myself and my communication.

I really tried, but after a while just decided I wasn’t going to get through this. Perhaps it will speak to some, but for me it didn’t quite do it.

I would like to express my sincere gratitude to the author, the publishers and the NetGalley team for providing me with an Advanced copy. I cherished this opportunity to read it in exchange for an honest review.

[Penny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alice has put Nonviolent Communication (of which I am a teacher) into a really easy and readable form. I found that the simple stick diagrams add to the ease of illuminating the concepts and I will definitely be recommending this to all my course participants - she has brought the topic bang up to date by adding in important elements from other disciplines and her own life experience and written it in language that is easy to grasp. If I have one small criticism it is that the word 'secret' in the title is in the singular - to me there is never just one!
That said, indeed, if I had been taught this at school I may have made some very different and better young adult life choices....

[Meshack Wachianga · Rating 5 out of 5]

A step by step guide to bringing back to life dead relationships, building new relationships and supporting existing relationships to thrive.
This sweet book challenges us to appreciate our existence on this planet not just by being there but to live while appreciating others by being aware of how our actions contribute to meeting their needs. This is love, care, compassion and awareness I long to see to help address wars we witness in Africa, especially, Ethiopia at the moment.

I highly recommend this book to leaders, parents, business people and educators

[Bob Jenkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nicely written book on the subject of people’s behaviour. Although the information held within aren’t new if you have read other books in a this area the focus on Needs and having a list of Needs is very beneficial. Having this information and put very simply has really focused the way I deal with my children. My key takeaway was, there is no bad behaviour just a need not being fulfilled, and with this in my mind has made me much calmer and able to identify “needs” (the actual issue) much quicker. Worth it just for that.

[Ginny Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I loved about this book is how it showed me that dealing with difficult situations is something I can manage much more easily when I understand how humans work. The author explains how all our behaviour is an attempt to meet our needs. So by getting to know my own needs, and working out what other people's needs are, I can move forward in my relationships without anyone (including myself) feeling left out. It sounds so simple but it's actually pretty deep.

[Darya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Appreciate having this advanced reader copy. This book helped me to look at my emotions and emotions of other people around me from a different angle. We all focus on our needs and wants and understanding others helps so much to communicate with them at a different level, get to mutual understanding or solve any issues way faster. That was my key learning point. I liked also the examples/stories throughout the book. They help to understand the context of emotional needs.

[Debbie Redfern · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is easy to read with helpful practice exercises to guide you along the way. Lots of 'penny drop' moments for me throughout the book and ways to incorporate the learning into all relationships in life.
It changes the way you think about interactions and gently nudges you to a more successful way of communicating.

[Kelley Giaramita · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great resource! I customize curriculum for medical faculty that focus on building resilience and burnout prevention. This book can be used not only for the younger student, but now i have a Nonviolent Communication book for the adult learner. Perfect timing to share with medical faculty and help to stop the pipeline to burnout!

[Grace Marshall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wise, insightful, hugely practical and very relevant in today's world of increasing polarisation and conflict. I particularly

[Monika · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nic nowego się nie dowiedziałam. Nawiązanie do komunikacji bez przemocy.

[Dorothy Nesbit · Rating 5 out of 5]

Months after first reading this book, I felt moved today to pick up this book and skim through it. So much about this book is balm for the soul and, at the same time, the author is eminently practical in her approach.

A central theme of the book is that it’s possible to communicate in ways that take care of everyone's needs and the world works best when we do. Sheldon defines what she means by needs early in the book and provides a list of needs for the reader to consider. I find it helpful to ask myself, as I go about my daily life, what needs am I trying to meet? What needs are being met or are not met? What are my needs? The other person’s?

Having positioned this central idea, the author identifies and explores four practical things we can do to place Needs Understanding at the core of our approach, and these constitute the four main parts of the book. On this occasion as I looked through the Contents for the various parts – Listen with empathy, Understand yourself with compassion, Speak to be heard and Act with care for everyone’s needs - I was drawn for a moment to Part Three – Speak to be heard, before deciding to dive into Part Two – Understand yourself with compassion. Reading the list of feelings in Chapter Four I easily identified anger, frustration, and exhaustion and then, less easily, fear and sadness. Reading further, I followed the process in the Pause Box to identify the needs beneath the feelings. It has been a feature of owning this book that I have returned to it, decided where to focus my attention and read particular chapters, sometimes skimming to find what’s helpful, sometimes diving in to read whole chapters again.

I particularly find value in Sheldon’s concept of “fingerprint needs,” needs that were chronically unmet in childhood. It has been helpful to notice, when my feelings are particularly triggered, what needs are unmet and to remind myself that high emotion is not always about the here and now. It is also helpful to remember this when thinking of others and how they have behaved towards me in the heat of their emotions.

I don’t want to re-write the book in my review; the author has already done a fabulous job. The book is organised to make it a great read first time round and also to be able to dip in to find what’s helpful at a particular moment. The Contents page makes it easy to find my way and the index is also meticulous. I can’t fault the author for the value of her approach, the way she breaks it down into sections and the clarity with which she explains her ideas. I also love her warm tone. This book is definitely a keeper.