The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them

by David Richo, Tom Pile (Narrator)

Why is it that despite our best efforts, many of us remain fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled in our lives? In this provocative and inspiring book, David Richo distills thirty years of experience as a therapist to explain the underlying roots of unhappiness—and the surprising secret to finding freedom and fulfillment. 

There are certain facts of life that we cannot change—the unavoidable "givens" of human existence: (1) everything changes and ends, (2) things do not always go according to plan, (3) life is not always fair, (4) pain is a part of life, and (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time. Richo shows us that by dropping our deep-seated resistance to these givens, we can find liberation and discover the true richness that life has to offer. Blending Western psychology and Eastern spirituality, including practical exercises, Richo shows us how to open up to our lives—including to what is frightening, painful, or disappointing—and discover our greatest gifts.

Length: 7 hrs and 51 mins

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Buddhism, Personal Development, Philosophy

Audible Audio

First published January 11, 2005

About the author

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.

He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.

Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.

Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.

Reviews

[AudreyLovesParis · Rating 4 out of 5]

1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is a part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

The point of this book is to accept and move forward, not to resist and deny. There is a life lesson for us all here.

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's parts of this book that I think everyone should read, there's parts of this book that bored me to death, and there's parts of this book that I quite passionately disagreed with, but I always think with books like this that if someone can make you think of things in a different way, even if you end up not in agreement, it's still something which was worthwhile. So for me, the first half of the book was just fabulous, several concepts, which while not necessarily new, were written in such a way that they changed my perspective on what the concepts actually meant. And even better, it was really easy reading. I did feel that the book lost its way a bit when the author strayed from concentrating on the 5 things, and I started to find the book somewhat frustrating and just lacking in focus... but by the end it picked up beautifully to make it pretty close to a 4 star rating from me. I dare say it's a book that I will reread, and it's certainly inspired me enough to read some other books by the same author.

[Chayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is seriously one of, if not, the best self-help book i've ever read. Not that i've read much, but after reading this, I feel no need to read any more. It's basically a trip to the psychologist in a book. David Richo explains the five things we cannot change in life, or "givens", and the things we gain by embracing them. Ultimately wisdom, understanding, loving-kindness and happiness. All throughout reading this book, I realized that most of what we read in self-help books, are the very things which we already know deep down inside of us, but just need that reassurance, some form of understanding by another human being, to help us understand it ourselves. This book is no Holy Bible or The Secret, but is just a regular book, written by a normal guy, who seeks only to understand himself and the world around him a little better, all the while sharing his knowledge and wisdom to those who are willing to believe in it.

[Daisy Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had exactly what I was looking for in it...he is like the answer to Eckhart Tolle. Unlike Eckhart Tolle who urges people to forget, forget, forget, because everything is in the past, and tells us we should live in THIS MOMENT (which is true and excellent advice sometimes), Richo urges us to acknowledge and "stay with" what has happened - good or bad - and deal with it appropriately. His description of how to be with, and stay with, your own emotions/thoughts/experiences, as a way to heal and grow, is fascinating and right on. I cannot wait to read more from him!

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great companion book to How to be an Adult in Relationships. It took what might have been some really negative truths about life and talked about how to turn them around and understand our actions and behaviour through their filters. Life is not a painless journey - let's face it. Life is suffering. But all our suffering is an opportunity for learning and behaving in a way that is respectful and caring to ourselves and to others. If we have committed to the Noble Path we can understand these things for what they are. And if you've ever realized - really realized - how intransitive our experiences and influences are you will understand how it is so important to see beyond the Five things we Cannot Change and accept just what is in life, just what is in the moment.

We can decide to do these things. We can apply out insight - our wisdom, perhaps - to those who get under our skin or who push all our buttons and understand that they too are just like us - trying to find a path through this life.

[alfred · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was...goood...parts were way too ‘fluffy’ for me (I really like concrete examples in these kind of books), but this did an awesome job at linking some principles of mindfulness & Buddhism with more western approaches and finding the middle path


I like the acronym SAFE:
sadness, anger, fear, exuberance as a way to remember the four key emotions.

Also the 5 A’s:
acceptance, attention, appreciation, affection and allowing as actions necessary for love.

Does a good job (in the second half) of explaining the difference between ‘doing your own work’ Psychologically, and Spiritually (separately), which I found really useful. And also of breaking down our idea of ‘love’ into something more than emotion.

Also some great lessons in the origins of emotions — feelings...where they come from and how to begin the process of understanding and dissecting the belief and stimulus that result in said feeling.

Hmm, ok it was really good. Just lost me in the fluff sometimes

Peace

[Maher Razouk · Rating 5 out of 5]

‏هناك خمس معطيات لا مفر منها ، وخمس حقائق ثابتة نتعرف عليها جميعًا خلال حياتنا:

١_ كل شيء يتغير وينتهي.
٢_ لا تسير الأمور دائمًا وفقًا للخطة.
٣_ الحياة ليست عادلة دائما.
٤_ الألم جزء من الحياة.
٥_ الناس ليسوا محبين ومخلصين في كل وقت.

David Richo

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

boy, if i could just memorize this and access it when i run into difficulties, i'd be ahead of the game!

[Angela · Rating 2 out of 5]

I experienced this book in audio form. Maybe if I had read it it would have been more interesting for me. I found it unbearably slow and tedious to get through.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best self healing books I have read!

[Tara · Rating 2 out of 5]

It started good, the introduction. However, I am not making it much past that. I tried, I gave it a go... but it's not fun reading. It's not interesting. I feel like I'm reading "blah blah blah" over & over again.
I've read self-help books before and there are many great ones out there. I like reading ones that go somewhere, tell you a story, and don't bore you with facts and gibberish.
I cannot read this which sucks because I was very excited about it and it came highly recommended...

[Jessica · Rating 1 out of 5]

Audiobook: I felt like the title was Clickbait. Also the categories of this book state that it’s self-help and psychology, etc. And I found very little of that in this book, it was mostly about spirituality and religion. Not that I’m against that as a topic it was just not what I was looking for when I picked this audiobook. The author talked very little about the five things and just kind of strayed off and started talking about the ego and interconnectedness and the universe and organized religion. I felt like I was listening to a drunk person going back-and-forth between the topic they wanted to talk about and the tangents they were going off on. The points they were making weren’t bad points by any means, but they seemed very different than what the title and description promised me I was getting.

[Jakub · Rating 3 out of 5]

Half of the book is about the five things, tl;dr:

- everything changes and ends
- things do not always go according to plan
- life is not always fair
- pain is a part of life
- people are not loving and loyal all the time

The second half is about accepting, going with flow. Sometimes good ideas and correct as for facts (buddhistic). Other parts look like an unnecessary filler.

[Ash Raichura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not always an easy read, but that’s how books that make you think often go. This book again provided a new perspective on life for me, and it was an excellent complement to a book I was reading about the Enneagram at the same time. I could see myself reading this book again one day to refresh/reinforce some of the concepts in it.

[Mackenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book in which I found refuge in the wisdom in this book.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me some important reminders and insights as I was recently going through the "given" of a relationship ending. I needed to be reminded of so many of the things this book presented me with. I am grateful I had this as a companion during this time. I recognized that I wanted to control outcomes, that I wanted to resist reality, that all of this was due to fear that I'll never have what I want, instead of faith that everything is working out the way it's supposed to.

“There are some things in life over which we have no control, probably most things. We discover in the course of our lives that reality refuses to bow to our commands. Another force, sometimes with a sense of humor, usually comes into play with different plans. We are forced to let go when we want so much to hold on, and to hold on when we want so much to let go. Our lives—all our lives—include unexpected twists, unwanted endings, and challenges of every puzzling kind.” pg. xi

“There are five unavoidable givens, five immutable facts that come to visit all of us many times over:
1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.
These are the core challenges that we all face. But too often we live in denial of these facts. We behave as if somehow these givens aren’t always in effect, or not applicable to all of us. But when we oppose these five basic truths we resist reality, and life then becomes an endless series of disappointments, frustrations, and sorrows.” pg. xii

“Each of the givens or conditions of existence evokes a question about our destiny. Are we here to get our way or to dance with the flow of life? Are we here to make sure we get a fair deal or are we here to be upright and loving? Are we here to avoid pain or to deal with it, grow from it, and learn to be compassionate through it? Are we here to be loyally loved by everyone or to love with all our might?” pg. xiv

“Once we trust reality more than our hopes and expectations, our yes becomes an ‘open sesame’ to spiritual surprises.” pg. xiv

“Mindfulness is an unconditional yes to what is as it is. We face our issues in the here and now without protest or blame. Such a yes is unconditional because it is free of conditioning by the neurotic ego: fear, desire, control, judgment, complaint, expectation. When we are mindful, we meet each moment with openness, curiosity, and kindness. Mindfulness is both a state of being and daily spiritual practice, a form of meditation.” pg. xv

“The biggest mistake we humans make is to become attached to someone’s being a certain way and then to think that will never change. . . We lose our spiritual life when we try to hold on to perfection or changelessness.” pg. 6

“To let go of control will mean that we cannot protect ourselves from any of the givens. Control is one of our favorite ways of running from life as it is. Control is so deeply engrained an illusion that we even think we can lot go of control simply by wanting to. We do not let go of control; we let go of the belief that we have control. The rest is grace. The givens of life are the tools the universe provides for that lesson.” pg. 10

“Worry is directly related to control. It seems that we worry about the future, finances, relationships, jobs, and all the other unpredictables in our lives. Actually, there is only one worry: that of not being in full control of what will happen. We worry because we do not trust ourselves to handle what happens to us. We worry because we do not trust that the way the chips fall will work out for the best. We worry because we have not yet said yes. I am noticing that now that I am practicing the unconditional yes, I worry less.” pg. 10

“The five essential qualities of genuine love—attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing (what I call the five A’s)—do not survive well with the CIA [critic, interpreter, and advisor] in pursuit.” pg. 11

“Instead, we love to uncover our bare hearts and discard our tinsel armor: I am no longer so concerned with being in control of what I am like. I am becoming curious about what I will be like.
As long as we are feuding with life’s rules, we will fear the direct contact with reality that is the essence of true growth. We will find mindfulness difficult because it insists on the full presence in the moment as it is. . .
When we look deeply into our fears, we see that, at base, every fear is a fear of not having control.” pg. 12

“We know now that a yes to life is a yes to grief and pain, since all the conditions of existence represent losses and disappointments. Yes is a healthy response to the human condition.” pg. 21

“We usually react to the given that life does not follow our plans with an oppositional defiance—fear and desire, debate and blame. Our plaintive reactions may derive from our inflated ego that insists that everyone go our way. This adds to our suffering. It is the opposite of humbly accepting earthly conditions as they are. To say yes to letting things unfold as they will takes a humble surrender. . . . To be humble is not self-abasement or mere modesty. It is the virtue of tuning ourselves to reality. Humility is a yes to the earthly conditions that make life so difficult but at the same time so exciting. To see this combination of opposites with some amusement makes things lighter and ultimately clearer. It is a useful practice to look for the humor in any given we encounter.” pg. 25

“Each of us is here to discover and share marvelously unique inner gifts. That is what the world is waiting for and why we were given a lifetime. Our appreciation of our gifts is itself the antidote to the self-loathing and self-diminution that we sometimes suffer.” pg. 27

“Things do not always go according to plan evokes the archetype of synchronicity, which reveals itself in a felt meaningful coincidence. To say yes to this given is to trust that the universe has a plan for us and that things are unfolding in this life just in time for us to grow into the beings we were meant to be.” pg. 30

“The reason love casts out fear is that love creates the feeling of safety. When we act with love, we feel so good about ourselves that courage blooms. We find the poise to be at home with givens that scared us before. They bless us with the gifts of the unconditioned universal Self: believing in our powers and being comfortable with them, letting go of control, practicing loving-kindness, surrendering to this startling moment, daring defiantly to break through the gates that say ‘Keep out’ or ‘Don’t go beyond this point.’” pg. 33

“Any human interaction or relationship can have painful moments in it. A mature adult notices that closing off is dangerous to her sensitivity and that remaining too open is dangerous to her boundaries. The middle path means a willingness to be open while also maintaining healthy boundaries. We can commit ourselves to that form of yes by a practice: We seek amends when others treat us unfairly, ask for redress, and if this doesn’t work, we let go, and our hearts do not close. Letting go has the effect of opening the heart.” pg. 35

“Retaliation does not balance things, since it harms the soul of the retaliator and creates a more severe imbalance. Socrates noticed this peril and wrote: ‘It is better to suffer an injustice than to commit one.’ This is because the body and mind are damaged by injustice from others, but it is our own soul that is damaged by revenge.” pg. 36-37

“The real—and exciting—mystery is not why God permits suffering but ‘What evolutionary power must suffering have if even God shares in it?
In an immature spiritual consciousness we might pray: ‘Save me from the givens of life.’ In a mature spiritual consciousness we pray: ‘Be with me in the givens so I can handle them. Stay with me in them rather than abrogate them for me. I don’t want to miss out on all they can teach me.” pg. 41

“We suffer physically, psychologically, and spiritually and we grow in those same ways. Suffering seems to be an ingredient of growth during every phase and on every threshold of our development. Yet suffering is not a device used by some power in the sky to make us grow.” pg. 47

“We all have to face pain, and when we experience it mindfully, we simply feel it as it is. When we add the ego layers, the mindsets of fear, blame, shame, attachment to an outcome, complaint, or obsession, we make things worse.” pg. 48

“Our capacity to deal with pain grows in accord with our spiritual practice and our psychological work. But even when we have worked on ourselves, there may still be events and moments that are too much. Humility lies in accepting reality with all its surprises and in accepting ourselves with all our limitations.” pg. 50

“Some victims lay themselves open for pain and contempt. They may wait for someone to come along and set them free. They become more and more open to being preyed upon as they lose their boundaries.
Other victims, however, are simply vulnerable in an open, healthy way and let themselves experience the betrayals that life and relationship sometimes bring. They are hurt, but they have a spiritual technology to deal with their hurt. They do not hurt back. They do not let themselves be hurt more. They stand up for themselves and wish enlightenment for those who hurt them. This is how they let their hearts open more than ever and become strong against predators while still penetrable to the slings and arrows of love. They may be victims but they are not casualties.” pg. 52

“The spiritual practice of nonjudgmental presence has paradoxical implications. For when a feeling state or an immediate experience is granted a hearing in full safety, something wonderfully opening happens. A shift occurs automatically. Once someone experiences a self-validating moment to the full, an inner permission to let go and move on is granted from deep in the psyche. Bearings are gained when the pilot has an honest view of where the ship is, no matter how lost or off course. The poet Christopher Buckley recommends that we ‘open to something on its own terms.’ This practice of empathy is nothing less than the unconditional yes applied to the immediate experience of pain.” pg. 57

“The challenge is to stay steadfastly with the here-and-now existential reality, however unsavory, while the essential truth—always comforting—hovers in the wings awaiting the audience that will happen in its own time.
The paradox is that going further into despair is what grants access to hope, going fully into pain grants access to healing, going fully into the dark opens to the light. An unconditionally embraced predicament becomes a threshold to what comes next. The ‘either . . . or’ changes to ‘both . . . and.’ How? We no longer jump into the unexplored territory of any mood or pain with the banner of hope and declare it under our control. We simply stay put in our own and the other’s truth, and that fidelity creates the milieu in which transformation may come about. This is quite understandable in a psyche like ours in which opposites continually constellate like stars in patterns that both please and predict.” pg. 60

“We do fall apart. That is a given. Our mindful yes is how we live through it. The proper etiquette in the void is not getting back in control but simply sitting in the dark. This takes trust and humility. Trust means believing that this would not be happening if it were not meant to help us grow. Humility means accepting reality with no attempt to outsmart it.” pg. 62

“If we feel the hurt more intensely than seems to fit the bill, we may want to examine ourselves and ask if our ego has reared its entitled and demanding head. If it has, we can look at our FACE in the mirror and say:
Fear: I am afraid that I will not survive if everyone does not love me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Attachment: I am attached to a very specific version of what I am owed, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Control: I need to control others’ reactions to me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Entitlement: I believe I am entitled to love and loyalty from everyone, and insist on it, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
I am letting go of fear by showing more love and finding excitement in life’s challenges.
I am letting go of attachment to my version of how others should act and I accept the given of life that not everyone will be loving, truthful, honest, caring, or loyal to me all the time.
I am letting go of control and let others love or dislike me as they choose.
I am letting go of my insistence that I be loved and respected by everyone, and I choose to focus instead on being loving and respectful toward everyone I meet. This is what matters to me now.
I am always aware that I also am not loving and loyal all the time and I am working on that.” pg. 67-68

“What matters to parents and to children is not what happened to them or between them but whether what happened was addressed, processed, and resolved. Resolution leads to health; disorganized experience leads to fragmentation. Mental health is not about what happened but about how we manage what happened.” pg. 70

“It is a given of relationships that the five A’s [attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, allowing] may not consistently come our way and certainly not to the extent we would wish. An unconditional yes to this fact about our partner upgrades us from a fairy-tale mentality to adult realization. As we kindly accept the reality of others’ inadequacy, our own needs begin to change. We no longer need what cannot be had: ‘I let go of wanting what isn’t here now.’ We align our needs with the available resources in our partner. Paradoxically, as we reduce our unrealistic expectations, our partner feels less pressured and actually stretches so that more need fulfillment comes our way after all—sometimes the acceptance of reality can help reality to change.” pg. 70

“If you are sensitive to abandonment, it is natural to become terrified when you are criticized or when someone shows disappointment in you. This may be because it feels like a serious or permanent rejection, a severing of a desperately needed bond: ‘This criticism means she doesn’t like me, wants to leave me, and won’t love me anymore. When people don’t like me, it is my fault.’” pg. 75

“A soul mate is not the one who says he or she is your other half but the one who shows you that you are whole.” pg. 75

“‘He is all I have’: This may be why you are staying in an untenable relationship. Such resignation to pain leads to despair, a loss of your lively energy. Despair in this context is believing there is no chance for the five A’s. That is a reason to mourn rather than to give up.” pg. 75

“Expectation is a personal longing that we try to get someone else to take care of. An adult has given that up.” pg. 75

“Finally, unconditional love is entirely in the present tense. You do not hold a grudge from the past or hold the other’s past against her or him. As Don Murray said to Marilyn Monroe in Bus Stop when she offered to tell him of her profligate past: ‘I like you the way you are. What do I care how you got that way?’” pg. 81

“As we become older, more battle scarred by relationships, less appealing, we become invisible or inconvenient. This is why it is so important to have a set of values that cherishes not that which is superficial but that which represents the enduring values of virtue and integrity. Then as we age we have everything left.” pg. 82

“A mature prayer is not ‘Don’t let me have to go through this’ but ‘Help me grow through this.’ Prayer as openness to the graces that come with each given can replace petitions to change or rearrange how the graces should come. Grace is already everywhere doing everything. All we have to do is open to the gift dimension of life. The prayer is yes and thanks. Our attempts to stay in control are denials of grace.” pg. 84

“We humans are here on earth as delegates from a higher consciousness, and a simple, thorough yes to reality is how we fulfill our mission. An unswerving loyalty to what is real carries us to the culmination of human consciousness. . . The path to a higher power than ego is saying yes to the predicament we find ourselves in here and now. A religion based on rescuing us from life hobbles and mutes the givens so they cannot impact us fully. Then we lose our best chance at growth.” pg. 84

“The central purpose of taking refuge in any adult spiritual practice is to go into our experience, in whatever shape it has taken. We let ourselves feel it all, be in it as it is, and we do not try to change or fix or end it. We let it take its own time to play itself out. We let it take us down or up. This is precisely what is recommended in state-of-the-art psychology today: to find resolution through full entry into our experience no matter how painful. To go into fear and to come out the other end is a path that many conscious people are finally beginning to walk.” pg. 96

“We cannot take refuge in feeling good, because that cannot be sustained. What is sustained and sustaining is a yes to what is, ‘taking the good with the bad.’ This can only happen when we have no attachment to how things should be. No notions have weight except those that accurately mirror reality.” pg. 96-97

“An unconditional yes to what is frees us from the self-imposed suffering that results when we fear facing the givens of life. Yes is born of trust and heals fear. This is because we are acknowledging that whatever happens to us is part of our story and useful on our path. Our yes to the conditions of existence means getting on with life rather than being caught up in dispute and in attempts to gain control of how things play out.” pg. 101

“Fear is a no to what is. To fear the givens is to be afraid of life, since they are its components. Fear prevents us from experiencing life fully and living in the moment by creating avoidance and attraction. We avoid what is unpleasant and we grasp at whatever makes us feel good.” pg. 102

“Openness and creative resourcefulness happen synchronously each time we are confronted with one of the givens. Some people write their best poems when they suffer.” pg. 104 [Ain’t that the truth?!]

“Fear compels us to make imprudent choices and then laughs at us for our rashness. It kills our two best friends: trust in ourselves and trust in the possibility of an alternative outcome to the one our catastrophizing mind is crafting.” pg. 124

Book: borrowed from SSF Grand Library.

[Ace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Richo has changed my perspective on how I approach absolutely everything in life. I try to accept reality, the what is, with an unconditional yes.

“I am aware that I will always be fearful in some way. But I do not have to be fear-based in my behavior or choices. I can hold my fear in one hand and my commitment to no longer act in a fear-based way in the other. Somehow that combination seems more doable than no fear at all.”

And

“We do not control because we are selfish or demanding. We control because we are afraid of grief.”

And

“The five A’s (the five essential qualities of genuine love): attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.”

I am trying to embody love, not act out of fear, and say yes, unconditionally, to reality, to the what is.

[Daphsam · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you enjoy aspects of philosophy, the Bible, self-help, practical tips. This is the book for you. I love the serenity prayer, and this book starts with that, except the things you cannot change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. Through stories from the Bible, theology, you get the practical guidance of managing what you can’t change and understanding what you can and how you can do it.

[Greg Thorpe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended by bell hooks and therefore worthy of everyone's attention. Hard to say I've 'finished' this book exactly as it's very much a handbook of thought and practice that I will return to. It's genuinely inspiring and makes the practice of loving-kindness feel not just attainable, but also desirable and uplifting. There were incidents during my reading of it where people were unkind to me or misunderstood my own behaviour as unkindness, or where I was simply too exhausted to offer kindness when I could have, and Richo's words gave me a different perspective that helped me move forward in (I hope) a better way.

[Michael Silverman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. David Richo and this book came to my attention during my training as an Anger Management Clinical Specialist. If the reader is willing to be open to Richo's wisdom, it is a brilliant explanation of human behavior and how to move though life's difficulties with awareness and appreciation.

I don't think it is as good as "How to be an Adult in Relationships" but something can be excellent even if it is not perfect.

A truly prolific author, Richo deserves to be considered one of the great psychological thinkers of our time.

[Lynn Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was somewhat disappointed in this book. I was hoping for a more Christian perspective but this book seems to cover many religious and philosophical perspectives with Christian being one of many. I didn’t enjoy it and would not recommend it.

[Klgg · Rating 4 out of 5]

i got more out of the first half of the book than the last. Maybe it needs to be shorter. Has some staements within its pages that are great!

[Gustaaf Vocking · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is going over the (not so) obvious things we can't change. By accepting that my life did change for the much better.

[Katya · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't know what to expect, but ... this book bored me quite a lot.
Nothing special was said. Definitely, a disappointment!

[Anthony · Rating 3 out of 5]

David Richo (2014) THE FIVE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE... (AUDIOBOOK)
Audible - Audible, Inc.

⭐️⭐️⭐️ 3 out of 5 stars

Audible writes, "Why is it that despite our best efforts, many of us remain fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled in our lives? In this provocative and inspiring audiobook, David Richo distills 30 years of experience as a therapist to explain the underlying roots of unhappiness - and the surprising secret to finding freedom and fulfillment. There are certain facts of life that we cannot change - the unavoidable "givens" of human existence: (1) everything changes and ends, (2) things do not always go according to plan, (3) life is not always fair, (4) pain is a part of life, and (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time. Richo shows us that by dropping our deep-seated resistance to these givens, we can find liberation and discover the true richness that life has to offer. Blending Western psychology and Eastern spirituality, including practical exercises, Richo shows us how to open up to our lives - including to what is frightening, painful, or disappointing - and discover our greatest gifts."
=====
A bit too 'though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death'. Loved the 'when boundaries are intact'/'when you give up boundaries' passage!!! Loved the 5 A's. The message of this audiobook definitely rings true. It's not rocket science.
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#DavidRicho #TheFiveThingsWeCannotChange #Book #Books #Read #Reads #Reading #Review #Reviews #BookReview #BookReviews #GoodReads #Audiobook #Audiobooks #Audible

[Toby Brennen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have mixed thoughts and feelings about "The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them" by David Richo. I had numerous moments where I thought 'hey, this is something everyone should know' or connections where I thought 'hey, I can see how to apply this to my life' (and have with tried integrating several approaches/methods already). Richo's five points - 1]everything changes and ends, 2] things do not always go accoridng to plans, 3] life is not always fair, 4] pain is a part of life, and 5] people are not loving and loyal all the time, on the surface seem obvious and trite but when he connects them together and to common responses, it becomes very clear how accepting them - saying 'yes' to these rules - results in a better long term outcome.
The early part of the book is much clearer. The further into it, though easy to read, became more jumbled, like the writer was tripping on his own feet or trying to extend content to fulfill a minimum length requirment. As much could have been said with less. And although Richo is upfront about using Buddiasm as his spiritual yardstick, many the Christian analogies/comparisons were a bit off-track. All in all, worth the read for the gleaning of whatever nuggets you may get but if you are already grounded, dont expect to find much new. [3.5/5]

[Sheryl Sato · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book resounded with me.
A few favourite passages:
...once we understand that what happens beyond our control may be just what we need, we see that acceptance of reality can be our only way of participating in our own evolution.
Our universal calling as humans is to be the most loving people we can be.
Each of us is here to discover and share marvelously unique inner gifts. That is what the world is waiting for and why we were given a lifetime.
The challenge is to meet our losses with loving-kindness, the commitment to act and think lovingly toward others, especially when they test our patience or act hurtfully toward us.
The adult challenge is to believe that there is a design that wants to come through in our lives despite the random and untidy display.
I say yes unconditionally to the givens of human life: Everything will change and end; things will not always go according to my plans; life will not always be fair or pain-free; and people will not always be loving, honest, generous or loyal.
As I say yes to the givens of life, may I live in continual awareness of being held with love by a caring presence that never deserts me, and may I hold others in such a way that they begin to trust that presence too.

[Treva · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was written in 2006. Am not at all sure how or why I ended up reading it now. #3 has been part of my belief system for quite some time. I was not familiar with the other four.

1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

SAFE:
sadness, anger, fear, exuberance as a way to remember the four key emotions.

The 5 A’s:
acceptance, attention, appreciation, affection and allowing as actions necessary for love.

The author referenced Carl Jung, who I was familiar with from graduate school. He also quoted a lot of Buddhism and Shakespeare which I found confusing and not easy to follow.

Unfortunately, in today's society, not enough people are willing to embrace the things we cannot change to find happiness.

[Colleen Mitchell · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thinly veiled as a self help book, Richo uses the 5 givens listed on the back of "The Five Things We Cannot Change" as the foundation for pushing Buddhism on his readers.

While he claims it's a blending of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, all I saw was repeated emphasis on Buddhism being the "adult" or "mature" approach to spirituality while dualistic religions (Christianity, Judaism, Islam) were reduced to "you're wrong" but said in such flowery and mystical language that you'd be hard-pressed to see it if you can't uncross your eyes first.

The 5 givens themselves have great potential for personal growth and acceptance when uncoupled from Richo's relentless redirection toward the mystical.

I learned more about the 5 givens from my business coach than I did from reading this 159-page attempt at indoctrination.

[Ryan Woroniecki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid book outlining many of the principles of mindfulness and Buddhism through five specific points:

1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

If one accepts these things as true, the rest of life is much easier to take. There are standard mindfulness techniques such as meditation built out on top and more concrete stories and allegories from other religions added to explain how these basic principles are already embraced by most cultures/theologies. Accepting these/living them out is easier in practice than the real world, but it would go a long way to make people happier and society more civil.