What do you think?
Rate this book
The Commitment Dialogues: How to Talk Your Way Through the Tough Times And Build a Stronger Relationship
A breakthrough handbook shows readers how to identify the four fears that torpedo many relationships--engulfment, abandonment, shame, and emptiness--while presenting techniques for overcoming each of these problems. Book available.
- GenresRelationshipsPsychology
144 pages, Audio CD
First published January 2, 2005
4 people are currently reading
24 people want to read
About the author
Lloyd James
515 books7 followersSince beginning his narrating career in 1996, Lloyd James (also known as Sean Pratt) has been credited with more than 600 audiobooks. He has earned several awards, including six Audiofile Earphones Awards and two nominations for the Audie Award. His performances include Once There Was a War by John Steinbeck, Encounters with Jesus and Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller, and Elvis in the Morning by William F. Buckley Jr. He lives in Maryland with his wife and their children.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 of 1 review
December 2, 2013
A useful read that identifies 4 core fears that play into couples' conflicts, and how to work around them.
1. Fear of Engulfment: Will I exist if I merger with you?
2. Fear of Abandonment - runners (leave first) or clingers
3. Fear of Shame: You won’t love me if you see the real me
4. Fear of Emptiness: If I keep moving, I won’t have to look inside - seeing people in love lose their passion for each other. Vulnerable to emptiness, meaninglessness, depression and boredom.
Remember - emptiness is just a temporary state. It’s like a wave. It may last a few hours or a few days or weeks. But it, too, shall pass.
A new intense sexual relationship feels great to someone coping with emptiness.
The honeymoon phase is full of sexual and emotional discovery. Everything is new and interesting.
For a time, the emptiness and depression are hidden.
Then the relationship plateaus. There are conflicts, periods of withdrawal. The sexual energy subsides a little. Commitment wavers and the relationship begins to feel like a trap. The only escape is another new, intense involvement.
Coping with Emptiness
Step 1: Recognize that emptiness, like all painful emotional states, is temporary.
Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. Give a name to the experience. Describe the loneliness and yearning or the numbness. Give words to what’s chasing you, and make it less scary. We can manage it as a team. The worst thing about emptiness is being alone with it. Collaborate on ways to face off depression and vulnerability.
Step 3: Plan a set of strategies to push emptiness away: exercise, walks, romantic weekend, massage, time with friends, movies, cooking, eating, talking
Step 4: Build “emptiness tolerance.” Focus attention outside the self and/or meditation to peace and calm inside.
Masking Issues
Time: Time taps into core needs: the hunger for connection and human nourishment, the need to be seen and known, and also the need for autonomy, private self
Money
Children
Sex
Couples Research
Issue/Conflict:
Fears:
Other feelings:
History:
Assumptions:
Perceived choices:
Needs:
Adapted from When Anger Hurts Your Relationship by Kim Paleg, PhD and Matthew McKay PhD.
1. Fear of Engulfment: Will I exist if I merger with you?
2. Fear of Abandonment - runners (leave first) or clingers
3. Fear of Shame: You won’t love me if you see the real me
4. Fear of Emptiness: If I keep moving, I won’t have to look inside - seeing people in love lose their passion for each other. Vulnerable to emptiness, meaninglessness, depression and boredom.
Remember - emptiness is just a temporary state. It’s like a wave. It may last a few hours or a few days or weeks. But it, too, shall pass.
A new intense sexual relationship feels great to someone coping with emptiness.
The honeymoon phase is full of sexual and emotional discovery. Everything is new and interesting.
For a time, the emptiness and depression are hidden.
Then the relationship plateaus. There are conflicts, periods of withdrawal. The sexual energy subsides a little. Commitment wavers and the relationship begins to feel like a trap. The only escape is another new, intense involvement.
Coping with Emptiness
Step 1: Recognize that emptiness, like all painful emotional states, is temporary.
Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. Give a name to the experience. Describe the loneliness and yearning or the numbness. Give words to what’s chasing you, and make it less scary. We can manage it as a team. The worst thing about emptiness is being alone with it. Collaborate on ways to face off depression and vulnerability.
Step 3: Plan a set of strategies to push emptiness away: exercise, walks, romantic weekend, massage, time with friends, movies, cooking, eating, talking
Step 4: Build “emptiness tolerance.” Focus attention outside the self and/or meditation to peace and calm inside.
Masking Issues
Time: Time taps into core needs: the hunger for connection and human nourishment, the need to be seen and known, and also the need for autonomy, private self
Money
Children
Sex
Couples Research
Issue/Conflict:
Fears:
Other feelings:
History:
Assumptions:
Perceived choices:
Needs:
Adapted from When Anger Hurts Your Relationship by Kim Paleg, PhD and Matthew McKay PhD.
Displaying 1 of 1 review