first: connor murphy deserved better.
second: what is praise worthy about a book that uses suicide as vehicle to drive the story, but doesn’t have a single meaningful conversation about mental illness or suicide? what is praise worthy about a main character who is a self-important jackass who capitalizes off the suicide of a stranger and inserts himself into a grieving family’s life to feel better about himself and never faces a single consequence for it? what is praise worthy about the portrayal of a mental illness that disappears halfway through the story?
what the actual fuck is praise worthy about this garbage fire? (and i’m gonna go ahead and say the musical is just as trash. i don’t care if it has a different feel or whatever the fuck, it’s the same horrible story. point blank.)
content/trigger warnings; suicide, self-harm, attempted suicide, depression, anxiety, ableism, disfiguremisia, fatphobia, anti-native language, harassment, doxxing, stalking, death of a queer character,
so, i read this for the social anxiety rep that i saw people praising, but um........i wish i hadn’t. sure, there were moments where evan’s descriptions of his anxiety were relatable, but the way he interacted with people wasn’t relatable to me, as someone with social anxiety. nor was his angsting about being different and not right and wanting to be like everyone else. for once, i’d like a mentally ill character to just accept their mental illness and work with it and that’s it. i don’t need or want the angst about wishing they were neurotypical. and there’s also the glaring fact that his anxiety disappears in the second half of the book.
a major flaw in this is the complete lack of any discussion about mental illness or suicide. it’s becoming real meaningless to me when authors have books with these themes, without any important, needed conversations going on in the text, but have a whole “if you or someone you know is struggling....” page with hotline numbers at the end of the book. you’ll sensationalize and romanticize suicide and use it as a plot device, you’ll have your mentally ill character go off their meds without telling anyone, you’ll have characters commit suicide, you’ll fill your book to the brim with ableism, but you won’t actually delve into the important topics surrounding mental illness and self-harm and suicide. you won’t let your characters have meaningful discussions about it. but you’ll accept the praise of your book being a needed take on this topic.
other things that annoy, anger, and disgust me:
• fatphobia (kids of a “certain body type” watch with envy as even sits out during gym class, because obviously if you aren’t skinny you must hate any kind of physical activity. gym teacher was replaced for ridiculing “generously proportioned” students. when evan refers to baby-evan as fat, zoe immediately admonishes him for saying so and assures him that he was adorable.)
• ableist language/slurs and disfiguremisia (can people stop fucking comparing being disabled or disfigured to being dead? thanks.)
• anti-native language
• the idea that when a man chooses to leave his girlfriend/wife for another women, he is being stolen by the other woman, which absolves men from all responsibility of being faithful, decent fucking people
• jokes about school shootings
• evan angsts about being friendless and invisible, but then decides to not ask certain students to sign his cast because he deems them irrelevant
• evan fantasizes about how connor murphy killed himself and then we’re told how connor did it which is some tragedy porn bullshit
• students making money off a kid’s suicide
• students romanticizing connor’s suicide, claiming he’s bringing people together, calling it inspirational
• evan proclaiming himself as a guy who doesn’t think, let alone say, anything mean ever. despite an entire book of him being the absolute worst person ever.
• being a senior in high school and not having been kissed a lot is described as depressing, because apparently mental illnesses are adjectives for random shit and everyone should be kissing people by a certain age
• evan convinced himself that his encounter with connor forged a bond between them and that he knew what connor was feeling in that moment, and that saying he’s connor best friend is “kind of true” and i really cannot deal with this bullshit. before connor’s suicide, evan literally justified him thinking of connor as a future school shooter. fuck all the way off. “who was closer to connor than i was?” oh i don’t know his sister his parents his boyfriend. fuck off.
• “i don’t want it to be this way, but what am i supposed to do?” how about not lie about being the best friend of a dead kid and insert yourself into his family’s life and grief and justify doing so because you want the attention. how about that?
• some talk about “fixing” mentally ill people
• evan romanticizing himself, convincing himself that what he was doing was saving connor’s family
• evan thinking he isn’t allowed to feel upset about his father having another son because zoe just lost her brother, which is bullshit that needs to stop. zoe losing her brother doesn’t change or have anything to do with the relationship between evan and his father, or evan’s feelings about his father having another son.
• "i can’t imagine what it must have been like having to share a house with connor. it was hard enough for people who shared a classroom or bus or hallway with him." evan pretends to have been connor’s best friend, while actually feeling sorry for everyone who came into contact with him.
• of course evan goes off his meds and doesn’t tell anyone. because what is mental health rep without that? and of course once he’s off his meds, he’s feeling more and finally experiencing life.
• evan’s mom is awful. she pushes and pushes and pushes evan without a care if it’s what he needs or will actually help him, and then when he’s actually going out and meeting people and putting himself out there, she gets mad at him and claims she doesn’t know him.
• evan referring his cleaned up and carefully messed around room as “fake news” um what?
• nothing about evan is genuine. nothing. he asks zoe about things he already knows from literally stalking her around town and watching her every move in school. he cleans his room and then makes it carefully messy when zoe comes over. and obviously, the entire fabrication of him being connor’s best friend. after threatening jared, evan knows people might be watching him, so he puts on a fake smile to make people think the conversation was just harmless joking between friends.
• evan has connor’s family so fucking manipulated that they want to give evan the money they had set away for connor’s college!!!! they even invited him to stay the nigh in connor’s bed!!!! he had them treating him like their son. this book makes me fucking sick to my stomach.
• nothing about evan did was for anyone but himself. his number one concern when thinking about telling the truth was everything he would lose. zoe, connor’s parents, people at school knowing and liking him. he kept the lie going because he didn’t want to lose the life his lie got him.
• a character posts what she believes is connor’s suicide note online which is so fucking disgusting i can’t even wrap my head around it
• after evan sends what he tells another student is connor’s suicide note, it’s posted online, and connor’s family is blamed, hated, harassed (online and otherwise), and doxxed. and then evan goes to their house to comfort him. he is a fucking disgusting human being.
• zoe meeting up with evan later and telling him that he saved her parents? yeah, fuck off. evan did a horrible, atrocious, devious, self-serving thing and faces zero consequences. zero. two people he didn’t really even care about stopped talking to him. but the family he royally fucked over and used and manipulated never reported him and the girl whose brother’s suicide he used to get close to her forgives him and absolves him of all wrongdoing.
and my one positive from this book. connor murphy.
connor is the only good part of this book. the chapters in his pov are the only parts of the book that don’t piss me off. he deserves so much better than a family that treated him like shit and didn’t help him, a school who only “cared” about him after he was dead, students making money off his death, and a stranger capitalizing off his death and taking advantage of his grieving family. he calls out zoe for checking on evan, but not checking on connor. he calls out the school for claiming they cared and related to him, when he had to die for them to notice he was ever alive. but sadly, he never really calls out evan for being a piece of shit. connor is also queer, which is nice. but also upsetting because i don’t need more dead queer characters. he only refers to his sexuality as fluid.
jared is okay, too. he’s the only one to call evan on his bullshit and not justify it or wave it away. but at the same time, he did help in the bullshit, so *shrug*
anyways. trash. wish i hadn’t read it. wish i could cleanse it from my mind. wish connor wasn’t treated so horribly. wish evan got hit by that car.
just a very aggressive
nope.
nope.
nope.