Name: Playing Hard to Get with the Billionaire (Romancing the Billionaire Book 1)
Rating: 4.32 (5 reviews)

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January 14, 2025

Whatever my previous reviews have led you to believe, I don't ask for much when it comes to fiction. But I insist on this: Wherever your characters are going, take them there in a way that makes a lick of sense. That's evidently "much"for Cidney West, because Playing Hard to Get with the Billionaire made me feel like I was losing my goddamn mind. Every plot beat left me flabbergasted, and not in the "How does he not realize he's a piece of shit?" way. More like the "How does he not realize this isn't a thing human beings do?" way.

We're gonna have fun today, kids. Circle up.

Juliet, a plain, unfashionable office admin, arrives at work. Colleague Brittany tells her to go out and party and fuck. I was a hardcore non-partier throughout my 20s, and I never had this conversation with anyone, least of all at work. And I had a really lame boyfriend then. This "boring girl needs dick bad" intro is interrupted by the arrival of Jalen Cross, who believes being the CEO's younger brother entitles him to fire anyone at all over a misplaced trash can that he didn't actually trip over. When Juliet glares at him, he asks "Ms. Whoever-You-Are" if she has any comment. I sure do:

This sort of behavior is a habit of his, and nobody but Juliet, who says only "I just don't think this is fair," has ever called him out on it. If our CEO's sibling came in and started barking orders at random, we'd just ignore him and assume he was on something. Jalen's douchebag friends heartily approve of the "sassy little desk jockey" giving him what for, but Jalen "won't tolerate being disrespected like that." I refuse to believe a guy like this has made it through life without getting his balls crushed at least once. If Juliet brings this total cock to his knees, it better be for an execution-style slaying.

The next day, Jalen exacts his revenge by having someone put a giant stack of file folders in Juliet's cubicle. What's in these folders, nobody says. For all we know, they contain sheets of blank college-ruled paper, and he's making her write "Jalen Cross is the pinnacle of manliness" on every line. The point is, she has to get "all this" done by tonight, or she's fired. She gets it done just to stick it to Jalen. The thought of resigning from this toxic work environment before he can fire her never crosses her mind.

Since that didn't work, he makes her clean up the coffee that Brittany spilled on his "Italian leather shoes." Instead she throws the rest of the coffee in his face and tells him to "Act like a man, accept the apology graciously, and go clean up your own shoes."

Okay, maybe the coffee in the face was a bit much, considering this is her place of employment. But I despise Jalen so much that I only wish the coffee wasn't lukewarm. I wish it was that crazy-hot McDonald's coffee that gave that poor old lady third-degree burns in her lap.

Jalen is "discombobulated." Why hasn't he, not her employer, gotten her fired yet? Could it be because she's "shapely?" That was the first actual firing offense anyone's committed so far, but he doesn't do a thing about it. Except Juliet thinks he does after some random criminal attacks her in the parking garage. She assumes Jalen was behind that "stunt," so she shows up the next day and kicks and punches him. That's a weird conclusion for her to draw, but whatever. PUNCH HIM! PUNCH HIM A LOT!

Now does he fire her? Nope. Instead he convinces her that he wasn't involved, then susses out if she has a boyfriend (no), trusts her crappy car (yes), and has plans for that evening (not really but he doesn't need to know that). She has no idea what to make of this. Neither do I, since she spends this entire conversation being sarcastic and snappy with him. But Jalen knows: "Because she likes me. She's trying to get my attention."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. And I suppose when I fire live artillery shells through your windows, it'll be because I want to have your babies.

So, to assure Juliet that she need not be overwhelmed by his wealth and power, Jalen sends a limo to pick her up and drive her to his mansion, where his staff presents her with "jewels, clothes, shoes, and even the latest cell phones." He "may even be willing to consider [her] [his] girlfriend in private." A very generous offer, seeing as she's "not exactly typical Jalen Cross dating material."

Where do I start with this? How about the fact that even if he did believe she wanted him, he just flat-out said that he doesn't want her?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!

Juliet leaves immediately. Jalen absolutely cannot comprehend why, because the diamond necklace he bought for her should have been "good enough." If Cidney is trying to write a parody, she's knocking it out of the park. But they're going to have an HEA later, so I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.

He finally does one reasonably nice thing for Juliet by helping her pick up some dropped papers. How does an American corporate office in (checks pub date) 2021 have all this loose paper flying about? She more calmly explains to him that while other women might have accepted all the shinies without thinking about it, she's "not like most women you've known."

So what does he try next? First he transfers her away from the job she signed a contract to do and makes her his executive assistant, even though he doesn't do anything and doesn't know what his assistant would be expected to do. Then he grabs her by the arm, pulls her into his car, and drives her and his friends to a restaurant, where he spends the entire meal dishing samples onto her plate and shoving bites of food into her mouth. And not in a sexy way, like this:

More like this:

Just... WHY? Maybe Jalen hasn't had to make much of an effort with women until now, but he can't possibly think this is what effort looks like. His friends have had girlfriends before, right? He must know this isn't how it works!

Unless this is how it works with these shitheads. Then we have a bigger problem on our hands.

Then, in the same day, he arranges for Kaelyn to be let off work early and driven to the vineyard he owns, where she and Juliet get a special tasting. Then he takes her home and reveals that he had her car towed so it could get fixed up. (Can anyone just do that with anyone else's car? Somehow I doubt it.) Then the next morning, before she even wakes, he calls and demands a coffee and pastry. She doesn't know where to get his favorites, but the chauffeur who picks her up does. Then she finds out he replaced her car without her permission. Then she spends the rest of the day "hanging out" with him and his friends and researching the kind of actual job he should be doing while hoping to find "a way out of this situation."

Juliet. Boo. It's not hard. The next time he says "I won't accept your resignation," tell him he has no choice and DON'T GET IN THE FUCKING CAR.

Does she? No! Why not? Because she thinks she'll get rid of him faster by making him work. So she gets a list of events he needs to attend, because his job appears to be company mascot when his CEO brother is indisposed. One of them is a black-tie fundraiser, so he decides Juliet is his only choice for a date, which can only mean one thing:

And what happens at the store? Even though she begged the salesgirl not to let him anywhere near the changing room, he hands the girl some cash so she'll leave, and then he sits and waits for her to give him a preview. That, finally, prompts her to quit. Well, not quit, but simply not show up the next morning. Instead he shows up at her place and pokes around, even in Kaelyn's room, while Juliet wonders if she should call the cops. I'd say yes, but given what we've seen of him so far, he's probably already bribed the local police force to send over their dumbest, doughiest officer, who will give him a stern talking-to until Jalen hands him a pack of Twinkies.

They go to the event. Juliet catches Kaelyn's boyfriend with some trollop. He insults her. Jalen punches him. This softens Juliet's opinion of him, but only by a fraction, because she still quits. He ignores her resignation again and drives her back to his house. She demands to be taken home. He refuses until hours later, after they've... eaten pizza with his friends.

I'm only a third of the way through this book. START MAKING SENSE. SOMEONE. ANYONE.

On that note: The title of this book is Playing Hard to Get with the Billionaire. But Juliet isn't playing hard to get. She doesn't want Jalen. Even when Kaelyn (Jalen and Kaelyn?) points out how hot he is, Juliet thinks to herself that she's never noticed his looks much and doesn't think they make up for this terrible personality, which is absolutely the correct opinion and a refreshing change of pace. Maybe he'll improve, but his behavior in the first act is so deplorably weird that none of those improvements should make a bit of difference.

Juliet crashes Jalen's "red super sports car" into a garage. Attempted firing offense? No, but that might have been a good idea. He finds this hilarious and doesn't fire her. This finally prompts her to tear a strip off him for being able to answer for all his financial needs while disregarding everyone else's. After that he finally stops making her work for him and wonders why he's putting so much energy into attracting her (is THAT what he's doing?) when she's made it clear that she has zero interest. So the book's over, right?

Juliet finds herself missing him during his sudden radio silence. ARGH.

...she kept wondering why he didn't come force her to go out to eat or buy clothes. It's what she wanted, so why did it bother her so much?

Because she enjoys the dual fantasy of being too strong and independent to enjoy his demands while reaping all the material benefits anyway. Who needs a consistent personality when there are wishes to fulfill?

Juliet gets a hold of Jalen and reams him out for his quiet firing. He asks that she perform one last errand at his house before officially ending her employment. And then he arranges for his staff to force her onto a plane to New York.

I have to assume this was a private plane, or she would have called one of those hotlines they post all over public airports for trafficking victims. She's furious about the ruse, but he calms her down slightly by providing her with a lovely guest room, Louis Vuitton suitcases full of clothes and makeup, a personal stylist and hairdresser, and a candlelit dinner. This is enough to cause an "explosion of butterflies in her gut." Under similar circumstances, I'd be feeling murder hornets.

They go to an event. Noemi, a female CEO in Jalen's brother's industry, implicitly offers her a job. Instead she accepts Jalen's invitation to Hawaii, because it's actually an invitation this time. That makes the forced plane trip all better!

They don't fuck in Hawaii. For all the wishes being fulfilled here, we haven't had a graphic description of any genitalia yet. I'm relieved. You probably won't be. Back home, Juliet continues her pattern of "assisting" Jalen, which basically means accompanying him to events and letting him give her gobs of money. There's a word for that profession, Juliet. Starts with an E. Ends in a -scort.

They don't fuck in Provence, either, which they visit because Jalen's sister lives there. But they do profess their love. Never have I felt less joy for a new couple. Not even when I learned my high school BFF had started dating the fattest, most acne-ridden asshole we both knew.

But it's not good news all around. You see, the real threat here isn't Jalen's undiagnosed mental disorder. It's the CEO, Maddox, who believes Juliet absolutely is a gold-digging harlot who will distract Jalen from whatever his job is supposed to be. From his perspective, that's exactly what this looks like. He wasn't in on all her refusals, so he has no reason to feel differently. At this point, neither do I.

Juliet crosses paths with Noemi once again. Noemi is intimately familiar with the brothers' dynamic and again offers her a job that would allow her "freedom from both problems."

Jalen realizes Maddox may have a point when he sees Juliet wearing clothes and jewelry he bought for her "without her permission." Juliet realizes he may have a point when, after Maddox asks her what she'd rather do than be a data entry clerk or PA, she can't think of anything. So she makes the first sensible move she's made in a while and dumps him:

"I don't want to leech off of you, all right? The other night, I couldn't tell your brother about my plans because I don't have any.... As long as I'm with you, it will always look like I'm along for the ride. And I don't want that stigma.... I don't want to end up the victim of a cliché. You can do whatever you want, and no one will bat an eyelash, but I can't. I don't want to live like that."

Jalen accepts this, throws away the diamond ring he bought for her—how long has it been? Three weeks?—and goes to work for Maddox. They're both heartbroken, but at least they're moving forward, finally. Juliet finally calls Noemi, who offers her a... modeling gig?

Oh, great. Now we have the triple fantasy: having everyone tell you that you could be a model, even though you're plain and unfashionable and enjoy cupcakes. Never mind that hospitality chains don't directly employ the models in their ads, and they certainly don't hire complete nobodies as "brand representatives."

Juliet becomes rich and famous and appropriately concerned with her looks. So much so that six months later, Maddox doesn't recognize her and wants to poach her for their company's campaigns. He wants Jalen to entice her, even if he has to "go wild" to do it. Not the first time he's pimped out Jalen for business reasons, I'm sure. Jalen will do it, not just to prevent Maddox from getting his flirt on with Juliet, but also because Jalen is Maddox's ass slave now. He'll probably demand to watch.

Noemi wants Juliet to do entice Jalen for his company's secrets. I always figured some weird shit went down in the hotel business, but this seems like a lot. Both of them learn about each other's schemes that day, because nobody they know can keep a secret. This results in a sparkling battle of wits:

"Should I expect an overnight express package full of your wit and charm?"

"I have enough wit and charm to fill every package on the West Coast. You better brace yourself because I'm going to woo your socks off."

"Only my socks, huh?"

"Prepare yourself. You're about to get the masterclass in wooing."

"I'll make sure to bring my socks."

When that doesn't get anyone anywhere, Noemi instead commands Juliet to go on a dinner date with Xander, who owns a third hotel chain and may be looking to merge with hers. Kaelyn, who's been serving as Juliet's assistant, passes on this info to Jalen's friends so he can show up and... well, not do anything, really. Other book billionaires I've covered recently would have knifed him on the spot. I'm not sure this alternative is an improvement.

Juliet thinks this was Noemi's plan:

Hmmm. Jalen's assistant plainly hates him and her job. Perhaps I shall poach her for myself. I'll be friendly and feminist for a while to get her comfortable, but once she's with me, I'll use her to bring Jalen down once and for all. And then the second-tier resort circuit will be mine, ALL MINE!

That is her plan.

WHYYYY.

Jalen and Xander team up to rescue Juliet from Noemi, because we're in a heist story now or something. Juliet knows she's employed at will, right? SHE CAN LEAVE. But, no, Noemi has thought of that and arranged four hired goons to snatch her and Kaelyn from the book's 57th formal party. Jalen must have anticipated that move and filled everyone else in, because even though all the goons are armed, they all lose to teeth, feet, knees, a taser, and a fire extinguisher within moments.

But that's not all! You see, Jalen's sister, Nikki, was instrumental in getting Xander onside. To do that, she had to sell him her hotel chain. Yes, she has one too, and neither Jalen nor Maddox knew about it. This family builds hotel chains as easily as most families build couch cushion forts. All this so Juliet and Jalen can get back together and thwart the easily ignorable orders of Noemi and Maddox. That's how multimillion-dollar business transactions work.

Noemi faces kidnapping charges. Juliet and Jalen marry. Jalen decides to be Maddox's consultant instead of his ass slave. Xander sets Juliet up with "stuff like offshore bank accounts and dummy corporations" so she can be "financially independent." (Not if he's the one managing those, you duncewagon!) She's going to use some of it to buy a bakery for Kaelyn.

The really sad thing about this book is that there's a germ of a good idea in here. Juliet doesn't feel attracted to Jalen until he starts listening to her and being less of a thoroughgoing dick. That alone is nice to see. But everything happening around this is so baffling that it just suffocates. Even the book I reviewed with the literal rapist's giant metal penis machine was less of a slog.

I need to lie down.

This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.

(Romancing the Billionaire #1

Playing Hard to Get with the Billionaire

Cidney West

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