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«Per molti versi questa è una storia conosciuta, ma è raccontata in modo così fresco, piacevole e toccante che mi è sembrato di leggere qualcosa di totalmente nuovo» – Roddy Doyle
Mary Rattigan sogna di volare via: da una madre violenta incapace di amore, da un padre buono ma privo di spina dorsale, da un'educazione bigotta, dalla miseria dell'Irlanda del Nord funestata dai Troubles. Ma i sogni di libertà possono finire in fumo in una sola notte di sconsideratezza adolescenziale: dopo un atto sessuale a metà tra il desiderio di ribellione e lo stupro, Mary si ritrova incinta durante un ritiro in campagna con la scuola. Per salvare l'onore della famiglia, viene costretta a sposare in fretta e furia un vicino di fattoria, John, a sua volta cresciuto col marchio di figlio "bastardo". E così, appena sedicenne, Mary si trova imprigionata in una vita matrimoniale (che in fretta le porterà altri figli) di cui non riesce a capire i contorni: non educata all'amore, non è in grado di riconoscere i segnali che il marito le manda; non sapendo cosa significhi volersi bene, non concepisce che qualcuno la possa amare. La vita trascorre così all'ombra di malintesi che si trascinano per decenni, e solo all'ultimo Mary riuscirà a capire il marito e i sentimenti che lo hanno animato. Forse c'è ancora il tempo per raddrizzare le cose e vivere un istante di felicità.
Mary Rattigan sogna di volare via: da una madre violenta incapace di amore, da un padre buono ma privo di spina dorsale, da un'educazione bigotta, dalla miseria dell'Irlanda del Nord funestata dai Troubles. Ma i sogni di libertà possono finire in fumo in una sola notte di sconsideratezza adolescenziale: dopo un atto sessuale a metà tra il desiderio di ribellione e lo stupro, Mary si ritrova incinta durante un ritiro in campagna con la scuola. Per salvare l'onore della famiglia, viene costretta a sposare in fretta e furia un vicino di fattoria, John, a sua volta cresciuto col marchio di figlio "bastardo". E così, appena sedicenne, Mary si trova imprigionata in una vita matrimoniale (che in fretta le porterà altri figli) di cui non riesce a capire i contorni: non educata all'amore, non è in grado di riconoscere i segnali che il marito le manda; non sapendo cosa significhi volersi bene, non concepisce che qualcuno la possa amare. La vita trascorre così all'ombra di malintesi che si trascinano per decenni, e solo all'ultimo Mary riuscirà a capire il marito e i sentimenti che lo hanno animato. Forse c'è ancora il tempo per raddrizzare le cose e vivere un istante di felicità.
359 pages, Paperback
First published April 29, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 341 reviews
April 12, 2020
Tish Delaney's debut is intrinsically Irish and a strongly character driven read set amidst the backdrop of the Northern Ireland troubles, the religious divisions, the horrors of the bombs and the bullets, and the inevitable impact it had on the lives of individuals. The hold the Catholic church had at that time and the harsh, oppressive social norms and attitudes of the period feel as they come from an era long ago, given how things have changed since. Mary grows up with a ghastly nightmare of a selfish, self absorbed, poisonous mother chipping away at any sense of self esteem she might have developed, the largely silent presence of her father and her best friend, Lizzie Magee. She is bright and her every dream is of getting out her family home, as her siblings have done, and making her way to the US, the land of happy ever after. All her plans go disastrously awry and her life shattered when at the tender age of 16 she finds herself pregnant.
Her mother forces Mary into a shotgun marriage with a local farmer, John, who lives with his mother. She becomes a farmer's wife, and in the next 25 years goes on to have 5 children, and a strangely weird relationship with John that is characterised by a strong physical, heavily sexually active relations behind closed doors in the bedroom and one of an estranged silence between the two of them in every sphere of life elsewhere, despite their close proximity to each other. In a emotionally charged and heartbreaking narrative, Mary lives through the years as a traumatised woman, growing up in many areas, yet so understandably emotionally stunted in others. It would be all too easy to superficially attribute her feelings towards John as those of hate, things are so much more complicated and can she actually face the truth of what lies between them?
One of the major highlights of this novel for me was Delaney's use of the vernacular and her beautiful prose, it made reading this a joy, although I wish John's personal history was revealed a little earlier in the story. Some readers might find the nature of the relationship between Mary and John hard to come to terms with and comprehend, but these were different times. This was a brilliant and compulsive Irish read, a coming of age, of a marriage, family, and emotional trauma that I recommend to those who love Irish novels and complex character driven books. Many thanks to Random House Cornerstone for an ARC.
Her mother forces Mary into a shotgun marriage with a local farmer, John, who lives with his mother. She becomes a farmer's wife, and in the next 25 years goes on to have 5 children, and a strangely weird relationship with John that is characterised by a strong physical, heavily sexually active relations behind closed doors in the bedroom and one of an estranged silence between the two of them in every sphere of life elsewhere, despite their close proximity to each other. In a emotionally charged and heartbreaking narrative, Mary lives through the years as a traumatised woman, growing up in many areas, yet so understandably emotionally stunted in others. It would be all too easy to superficially attribute her feelings towards John as those of hate, things are so much more complicated and can she actually face the truth of what lies between them?
One of the major highlights of this novel for me was Delaney's use of the vernacular and her beautiful prose, it made reading this a joy, although I wish John's personal history was revealed a little earlier in the story. Some readers might find the nature of the relationship between Mary and John hard to come to terms with and comprehend, but these were different times. This was a brilliant and compulsive Irish read, a coming of age, of a marriage, family, and emotional trauma that I recommend to those who love Irish novels and complex character driven books. Many thanks to Random House Cornerstone for an ARC.
March 10, 2021
4-5 stars
Well, I think my actual heart did break on several occasions in this rollercoaster debut novel. This is the story of Mary Rattigan, who lives in Carncloon, Co Tyrone who has her own personal troubles against the backdrop of The Troubles, beknighting the six counties and beyond the borders of Northern Ireland. Falling pregnant at sixteen she marries handsome farmer John Johns who is not the father, her own personal white knight ....... and I’ll say no more. Mary narrates her own story from 1973 to 2007.
This is a very good debut which becomes absolutely engrossing as Mary battles so many demons and constructs walls around herself. She has little sense of self worth and it’s beyond sad that she misses out on so much joy although I do want to shake her sometimes as she drowns in self pity! All the characters are extremely well depicted, there are some to love (John, his mother Bridie and Mary’s friend Lizzie etc) and some to heartily dislike such as Mary’s hard as nails mother Sadie who is most certainly at the root of Mary’s issues. Yes, Siree Bob, she sure is. I love how that little phrase repeats itself through the book!
The story is firmly set in its historical context in terms of the attitudes within the community and issues within Catholic church which has been well documented. Northern Ireland’s political implosion and subsequent explosion is also portrayed heartbreakingly well for the sectarian divide, violence, atrocities and lost lives of which there are many reminders throughout the period of time covered. The Omagh bombing of 1998 especially resonates as it’s close to where Mary and family live and it’s horror contrasts really well with the lovely day the family have hay making.
Overall, this is a very impressive and emotionally raw debut from Tish Delaney and I greatly look forward to reading more of her work in future.
With thanks to NetGalley and Random House UK/ Cornerstone for the much appreciated arc.
Well, I think my actual heart did break on several occasions in this rollercoaster debut novel. This is the story of Mary Rattigan, who lives in Carncloon, Co Tyrone who has her own personal troubles against the backdrop of The Troubles, beknighting the six counties and beyond the borders of Northern Ireland. Falling pregnant at sixteen she marries handsome farmer John Johns who is not the father, her own personal white knight ....... and I’ll say no more. Mary narrates her own story from 1973 to 2007.
This is a very good debut which becomes absolutely engrossing as Mary battles so many demons and constructs walls around herself. She has little sense of self worth and it’s beyond sad that she misses out on so much joy although I do want to shake her sometimes as she drowns in self pity! All the characters are extremely well depicted, there are some to love (John, his mother Bridie and Mary’s friend Lizzie etc) and some to heartily dislike such as Mary’s hard as nails mother Sadie who is most certainly at the root of Mary’s issues. Yes, Siree Bob, she sure is. I love how that little phrase repeats itself through the book!
The story is firmly set in its historical context in terms of the attitudes within the community and issues within Catholic church which has been well documented. Northern Ireland’s political implosion and subsequent explosion is also portrayed heartbreakingly well for the sectarian divide, violence, atrocities and lost lives of which there are many reminders throughout the period of time covered. The Omagh bombing of 1998 especially resonates as it’s close to where Mary and family live and it’s horror contrasts really well with the lovely day the family have hay making.
Overall, this is a very impressive and emotionally raw debut from Tish Delaney and I greatly look forward to reading more of her work in future.
With thanks to NetGalley and Random House UK/ Cornerstone for the much appreciated arc.
February 1, 2020
This book is due to be released July 2020
The one quote that sticks out in my mind from this book is “I’m not yours and you’re not mine”
As the author lays the ground work for this must touching awesome story with heartbreak, tears and growing, maturing and learning, stick with it.
Mary starts off at sixteen in this book and we experience with her her good times, her life and the wonderful conversations between her Aunt Eileen.
This is Northern Ireland around 1970’s. When the bombing, the IRA, Protestants and Catholic’s were head on.
Ireland was and is a very religious Country governed a lot by “their Priest or Vicar. We see this when Mary is told by her Mother that she had better pray before bed as she can’t keep the ghosts away.
Mary isn’t the only sibling, her brother left, and she blames him for clipping her wings.
Her older sister leaves, and she reflects that will leave her all alone in the dark in the bedroom on The Hill. No electricity remains burning at night for silly children who should know there is only one thing to fear-losing Gods love and His Good Holy Mother. So Mary was raised with thoughts and her own emotional worries.
As we follow Mary on her life’s journey and the era of time in 1970’s we see how things were so different then.
It’s told mostly from a Mary, and the dialogue is written in a different format without speech bubbles but easily followed.
I could hear the Irish accent in my ears which showed how well the author had written this.
I’m saying no more about the story, you need to read this yourself.
For me, the pace really picked up a third of the way in when I felt completely committed to keep reading for as long as I could and as much as I could.
The life that Mary had been pushed into wasn’t physically harsh as emotionally traumatic for her.
The growth of Mary, the maturing of Mary and the development of love and intense emotion brought tears to my eyes at the end.
When Mary became ill, I was truly scared for her.
The character Bridie I absolutely came to adore as I did John John but he exasperated me at times as so did Mary although I fully understood why they acted in such a way, and when we find out about john johns past that was so touching.
So now Mary is in her adult life, and the lessons, hardship and things she’s been through has made her into the woman she is now.
Her wanting a better relationship with her Father, I felt the urge there. Her mother and her relationship was not ideal, far from it. All this is in the book.
If you enjoy a meaty solid story full of intense raw emotions, hardship faced, and 25 years of being together with someone but.......as I started with the quote from this book, I’m going to end with the quote from it too....
“I’m not yours, and you’re not mine”
Would you like to find out what that means?
May I urge you to preorder this, buy it. I’d love to discuss this with someone once I can.
The one quote that sticks out in my mind from this book is “I’m not yours and you’re not mine”
As the author lays the ground work for this must touching awesome story with heartbreak, tears and growing, maturing and learning, stick with it.
Mary starts off at sixteen in this book and we experience with her her good times, her life and the wonderful conversations between her Aunt Eileen.
This is Northern Ireland around 1970’s. When the bombing, the IRA, Protestants and Catholic’s were head on.
Ireland was and is a very religious Country governed a lot by “their Priest or Vicar. We see this when Mary is told by her Mother that she had better pray before bed as she can’t keep the ghosts away.
Mary isn’t the only sibling, her brother left, and she blames him for clipping her wings.
Her older sister leaves, and she reflects that will leave her all alone in the dark in the bedroom on The Hill. No electricity remains burning at night for silly children who should know there is only one thing to fear-losing Gods love and His Good Holy Mother. So Mary was raised with thoughts and her own emotional worries.
As we follow Mary on her life’s journey and the era of time in 1970’s we see how things were so different then.
It’s told mostly from a Mary, and the dialogue is written in a different format without speech bubbles but easily followed.
I could hear the Irish accent in my ears which showed how well the author had written this.
I’m saying no more about the story, you need to read this yourself.
For me, the pace really picked up a third of the way in when I felt completely committed to keep reading for as long as I could and as much as I could.
The life that Mary had been pushed into wasn’t physically harsh as emotionally traumatic for her.
The growth of Mary, the maturing of Mary and the development of love and intense emotion brought tears to my eyes at the end.
When Mary became ill, I was truly scared for her.
The character Bridie I absolutely came to adore as I did John John but he exasperated me at times as so did Mary although I fully understood why they acted in such a way, and when we find out about john johns past that was so touching.
So now Mary is in her adult life, and the lessons, hardship and things she’s been through has made her into the woman she is now.
Her wanting a better relationship with her Father, I felt the urge there. Her mother and her relationship was not ideal, far from it. All this is in the book.
If you enjoy a meaty solid story full of intense raw emotions, hardship faced, and 25 years of being together with someone but.......as I started with the quote from this book, I’m going to end with the quote from it too....
“I’m not yours, and you’re not mine”
Would you like to find out what that means?
May I urge you to preorder this, buy it. I’d love to discuss this with someone once I can.
April 28, 2021
Mary Rattigan lives in a small town in County Tyrone in a strict catholic family with a mother who is not only god-fearing but emotionally manipulative and violent toward Mary. By the time she is sixteen, the Troubles are at their peak in the 1970s and Mary dreams of escaping the bloodshed and violence by emigrating to America where she can start life afresh with her boyfriend Joe, the doctor’s son. But then, she finds herself pregnant after a single brief moment of passion with a young man and her dreams of escape are shattered. Forced to marry John Johns, a young local farmer she is trapped in a strange marriage. Although her nights with John become filled with passionate sex, her days are spent estranged from him, with both of them keeping their thoughts and feelings tightly locked.
Mary and John are both emotionally crippled and unable to talk to each other. Mary, as a result of the treatment she received from her mother and John from events in his past, which are not fully revealed to Mary (and the reader) until late in the book. There were times when I wanted to shake them both for their obtuseness, particularly Mary who stubbornly refused to reach out to John, missing so many opportunities to voice what she was feeling. John’s mother Bridie is a wonderful character, kind and gentle, creating a safe haven for Mary after she was thrown out of her family, and providing the glue to hold Mary and John together as their family grows.
With beautifully written prose, this is a compelling read, particularly if you enjoy Irish literature and strong character driven novels.
With many thanks to Random House and Netgalley for a copy to read
Mary and John are both emotionally crippled and unable to talk to each other. Mary, as a result of the treatment she received from her mother and John from events in his past, which are not fully revealed to Mary (and the reader) until late in the book. There were times when I wanted to shake them both for their obtuseness, particularly Mary who stubbornly refused to reach out to John, missing so many opportunities to voice what she was feeling. John’s mother Bridie is a wonderful character, kind and gentle, creating a safe haven for Mary after she was thrown out of her family, and providing the glue to hold Mary and John together as their family grows.
With beautifully written prose, this is a compelling read, particularly if you enjoy Irish literature and strong character driven novels.
With many thanks to Random House and Netgalley for a copy to read
November 7, 2021
Set in Northern Island from the early 70s, Mary Rattigan tells her life story from childhood with an incredibly abusive (physically and verbally) mother, a wimpy father all in the shadow of the Catholic Church and the violence of the troubles. I found it an emotional read and also frustrating. The barriers that Mary puts between herself and the people who love her stunts her life in so many ways. But there’s joy and smiles along with the trauma and I found it an intense and enjoyable read.
October 4, 2020
It has taken me some time since finishing this book to decide what I thought of it, but as Sadie would say ‘reviews don’t write themselves’. On the one hand, I thought Mary’s voice sounded authentic (and those of her extended family and friends). I enjoyed the dialogue, the atmosphere of rural life despite the difficult times, and to begin with I was very much engaged with her situation. On the other, I couldn’t believe 25 years of marriage and family life, including plenty of happy days surrounded by people only too keen to be supportive, went by without much resolution of Mary’s personal distress. When I could hardly bear my frustration with her behaviour any longer and was willing her to get a grip and count her blessings, I had to keep reminding myself how traumatised she had been through her childhood and teenage years. I found the last few chapters jarring, one incident in particular, and rather spoiled my overall enjoyment, leaving me conflicted as to whether I would recommend this book as highly as I might have done.
With thanks to Random House, Hutchison via NetGalley for the opportunity to read an ARC.
With thanks to Random House, Hutchison via NetGalley for the opportunity to read an ARC.
March 9, 2021
strong but silent hot northern irish farmer is my new type
June 3, 2022
Totally amazing book - out of my usual genre, of course, but I couldn't put it down. Recent winner of the Authors' Club Best First Novel award, when apparently even the chief judge said he cried three times (as did I - many times) - it's funny, heart-warming and at times very sad. Strongly recommend.
March 21, 2020
This book was a bit of a curate's egg for me. The first part dealing with Mary's childhood before her forced marriage at sixteen was superb. It really captured growing up with a toxic, narcissistic mother in Northern Ireland and resonated so much with my own life down to her mother spelling out regpungant words (to her) such as T.R.A.M.P and the superior holier than thou attitude, belittling and sense of never being good enough or of getting things right. It started to fall apart for me when Mary gets pregnant after her first sexual encounter (how predictable) and is hastly married off to the farmer down the road who is the rumoured who has recently returned heartbroken from that there London (and is himself the rumoured illigetimate offspring of a priest).
The couple never speak to each other and it is not explained until near the end of the book why he agreed to marry Mary (although it is easy to guess, if not the most logical or realistic thing to do). They go onto to have five children, have a torrid but closeted in the bedroom sex life and despite working together on the farm never speak to one another and seem to show no kindness to each other either, which I just couldn't quite believe. They get married in 1982,I do know that many young people still had "shotgun" marriages at that point in time in Northern Ireland but don't know of anyone who married someone not the father of the child. At that point I was openly living with my boyfriend, all be it in the city as were many friends. Things weren't quite as oppressive sexually as made out, the book should have been set in the 60's or 70's if it wanted to have the sexual mores it recounts. Many girls crossed the water for an abortion in Scotland or England (as they still have to), often their parents were the most religious and most vocally against abortion in public, but this is never considered as an option for Mary.
I got really frustrated and frankly bored with Mary and John's distancing shenanigans and the saintly matriarch, Birdie who never seemed to consider knocking their heads together and spilling the beans on the reasons behind the set up. I felt that Mary was likely suffering from CPTSD and really needed some counselling and help which older, wiser people in the book just did not acknowledge. Towards the end of the book, some really random events occur. One of these involves Mary's teenage sweetheart and is just totally unnecessary and unlikely as are the repercussions on Mary's best friend's life of trying to follow in Mary's footsteps. The book just goes on too long and Mary and John's misunderstandings and micro agressions towards each other become repetitive and the narrative a bit messy. I think a bit of editing of the latter parts would have helped the narrative be more dynamic.
However, when all is said I think there was some incredible and incisive writing in this book. It's great to hear the Northern Irish venacular being used in written text. I think the backdrop of the troubles and horrendous events occuring was used well to punctuate the story. I'm glad I read the book. It's flawed but still a really interesting read.
The couple never speak to each other and it is not explained until near the end of the book why he agreed to marry Mary (although it is easy to guess, if not the most logical or realistic thing to do). They go onto to have five children, have a torrid but closeted in the bedroom sex life and despite working together on the farm never speak to one another and seem to show no kindness to each other either, which I just couldn't quite believe. They get married in 1982,I do know that many young people still had "shotgun" marriages at that point in time in Northern Ireland but don't know of anyone who married someone not the father of the child. At that point I was openly living with my boyfriend, all be it in the city as were many friends. Things weren't quite as oppressive sexually as made out, the book should have been set in the 60's or 70's if it wanted to have the sexual mores it recounts. Many girls crossed the water for an abortion in Scotland or England (as they still have to), often their parents were the most religious and most vocally against abortion in public, but this is never considered as an option for Mary.
I got really frustrated and frankly bored with Mary and John's distancing shenanigans and the saintly matriarch, Birdie who never seemed to consider knocking their heads together and spilling the beans on the reasons behind the set up. I felt that Mary was likely suffering from CPTSD and really needed some counselling and help which older, wiser people in the book just did not acknowledge. Towards the end of the book, some really random events occur. One of these involves Mary's teenage sweetheart and is just totally unnecessary and unlikely as are the repercussions on Mary's best friend's life of trying to follow in Mary's footsteps. The book just goes on too long and Mary and John's misunderstandings and micro agressions towards each other become repetitive and the narrative a bit messy. I think a bit of editing of the latter parts would have helped the narrative be more dynamic.
However, when all is said I think there was some incredible and incisive writing in this book. It's great to hear the Northern Irish venacular being used in written text. I think the backdrop of the troubles and horrendous events occuring was used well to punctuate the story. I'm glad I read the book. It's flawed but still a really interesting read.
March 1, 2021
On the outside it feels baffling that two people who marry and spend their lives together can be virtual strangers to each other, yet this is the reality of many arranged relationships. Tish Delaney movingly depicts the life of one such Northern Irish woman in her debut novel “Before My Actual Heart Breaks”. Mary Rattigan once dreamed of moving far away and being with her sweetheart, but those aspirations were dashed by the reality of her circumstances. When we meet her at the beginning of this novel it's 2007. She's estranged from her husband and her five children have gone away. Now there's nothing to bind her to the rural farm she's been confined to since she was sixteen but she finds herself questioning the heady plans she made in her youth and finds it difficult to articulate what she now desires. Over the course of the novel we discover the story of how she got to this point as well as a vivid depiction of The Troubles as experienced by a Catholic girl growing up in the 1970s who felt the alarming proximity of this long-term and bloody conflict. It's a story that powerfully represents the tension between the life you wanted and the life you've lived.
Read my full review of Before My Actual Heart Breaks by Tish Delaney on LonesomeReader
Read my full review of Before My Actual Heart Breaks by Tish Delaney on LonesomeReader
January 14, 2025
Setting: County Tyrone, Northern Ireland; 1973-2007.
Farmer's daughter Mary Rattigan narrates the story of her life, from childhood to her early 40's - and what a journey of self-discovery it is!
Disliked and abused both physically and emotionally by her staunchly-Catholic mother, Mary thrives at school and seems destined for great things - until she falls pregnant at 16 and the whole course of her life is changed irrevocably.....
I am a great lover of Irish literature so I was really looking forward to reading this one by an author new to me. Unlike several novels I have read set during the Troubles, the author really gets to the terrible events of the time and how they affected, and were regarded, by 'ordinary' people. There were some great characters in the story, well-described and true-to-life, and I felt considerable empathy for the main character, Mary, in her experiences, even though several were the result of her own flaws. A great read with a satisfactory ending - 8.5/10.
Farmer's daughter Mary Rattigan narrates the story of her life, from childhood to her early 40's - and what a journey of self-discovery it is!
Disliked and abused both physically and emotionally by her staunchly-Catholic mother, Mary thrives at school and seems destined for great things - until she falls pregnant at 16 and the whole course of her life is changed irrevocably.....
I am a great lover of Irish literature so I was really looking forward to reading this one by an author new to me. Unlike several novels I have read set during the Troubles, the author really gets to the terrible events of the time and how they affected, and were regarded, by 'ordinary' people. There were some great characters in the story, well-described and true-to-life, and I felt considerable empathy for the main character, Mary, in her experiences, even though several were the result of her own flaws. A great read with a satisfactory ending - 8.5/10.
March 21, 2025
maybe a 2.5. this was suuuuch a let down, i was convinced this would become a new all-time fav. i really could not stand the narrator or being in her head. it felt like we were being told to sympathise for her rather than being shown and i just wasn't down with it. v disappointing
March 21, 2023
Go see a therapist, Mary!
May 6, 2022
⭐️ 4.5 ⭐️
Did I enjoy this book?
Yes siree, Bob!
A beautifully written debut novel, with a fabulous cast of well-drawn, colourful characters — characters so real and full of personality.
I was totally engrossed from start to finish. I laughed a lot and cried more. I was so frustrated with Mary and John; I just wanted to bang their heads together to try to make them see sense.
Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a wonderful, bittersweet, emotive read — funny in parts and so heartbreakingly sad in others; one I’ll certainly remember for a very long time.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the eARC, in exchange for an honest, unbiased review.
Did I enjoy this book?
Yes siree, Bob!
A beautifully written debut novel, with a fabulous cast of well-drawn, colourful characters — characters so real and full of personality.
I was totally engrossed from start to finish. I laughed a lot and cried more. I was so frustrated with Mary and John; I just wanted to bang their heads together to try to make them see sense.
Before My Actual Heart Breaks is a wonderful, bittersweet, emotive read — funny in parts and so heartbreakingly sad in others; one I’ll certainly remember for a very long time.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the eARC, in exchange for an honest, unbiased review.
October 15, 2020
Oh my goodness, such an apt title. I feel like my heart broke at least 5 times when reading this beautiful book. And I’d do it all over again!
My heart broke for the families of Northern Ireland in the 80s, for the innocent child with an evil mother and pushover father, for the irreplaceable loss of loved ones, for the dreams that suddenly get flushed down the drain and for the longing of a love you so desperately need but never quite feel deserving of.
The story of Mary is one that majorly shifts your perspectives, a reminder of how quickly your entire life can change. You sit through Mary’s pain, desperate to fight on her behalf and you can’t help but sympathise with her sometimes terrible decisions, it’s very hard to argue that you would be able to do anything differently given the circumstances.
Reading this book kind of felt like breakthrough therapy for me. I genuinely laughed, I genuinely cried and I’ll be genuinely surprised if another book affects me so deeply this year.
Favourite quote:
I wanted to be the one he was paying attention to, just once. Sometimes it felt as if the fabric of the sofa had grown over me and no one had noticed.
Before my Actual Heart Breaks is out on February 18th, 2021. Thank you to Random House UK for the arc.
My heart broke for the families of Northern Ireland in the 80s, for the innocent child with an evil mother and pushover father, for the irreplaceable loss of loved ones, for the dreams that suddenly get flushed down the drain and for the longing of a love you so desperately need but never quite feel deserving of.
The story of Mary is one that majorly shifts your perspectives, a reminder of how quickly your entire life can change. You sit through Mary’s pain, desperate to fight on her behalf and you can’t help but sympathise with her sometimes terrible decisions, it’s very hard to argue that you would be able to do anything differently given the circumstances.
Reading this book kind of felt like breakthrough therapy for me. I genuinely laughed, I genuinely cried and I’ll be genuinely surprised if another book affects me so deeply this year.
Favourite quote:
I wanted to be the one he was paying attention to, just once. Sometimes it felt as if the fabric of the sofa had grown over me and no one had noticed.
Before my Actual Heart Breaks is out on February 18th, 2021. Thank you to Random House UK for the arc.
July 6, 2021
This feels to me like an 'also ran' in comparison with Milkman - the female narrative voice, the Northern Ireland setting at least partly during the 'Troubles', the conflict between Catholic mother and daughter, the extended family... and that over-familiar situation that isn't treated with enough originality to avoid it feeling tired.
I found it disconcerting that the narrative voice jumps around in time, in one sentence looking back on her past from the future, in the next speaking with a child's voice. There's something a bit flat about the writing, as if it's not quite hitting the mark in every tone, and it never drew me in enough for me to engage emotionally. Oddly lacking in energy, I found myself quickly flagging with this one, I'm afraid.
I found it disconcerting that the narrative voice jumps around in time, in one sentence looking back on her past from the future, in the next speaking with a child's voice. There's something a bit flat about the writing, as if it's not quite hitting the mark in every tone, and it never drew me in enough for me to engage emotionally. Oddly lacking in energy, I found myself quickly flagging with this one, I'm afraid.
August 22, 2024
What an absolute gem of a book!
September 7, 2025
4.5⭐️ Yes Siree, Bob for this book that kept me turning pages long into the night!
First of all, THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK 💔
I was fighting a reading slump when I picked ‘Before my Actual Heart Breaks’, but it pulled me in from the very first few pages with its exquisite prose and the sense that a special story was waiting to be uncovered.
It guided me through the bittersweet spectrum of love and a whirlwind of emotions - the intensity of young love and dreams, the comfort and the weight of fractured family love, the love tested by struggling times where joy and hardship walk hand in hand and the ache of love that’s not enough to heal old wounds.
The authentic characters made their joys and struggles impossible not to feel. Mary and John’s choices often baffled me (especially adult Mary’s!), as they ‘chose silence over sense’, but they both carried a lot of emotional burden and that’s what made their story feel so real and memorable. John’s decisions at the end of the book seem to be exactly what was needed for Mary to find her healed voice.
Be prepared for your actual heart to break. 🤍
‘Wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you dwell, I will dwell. Your people will be my people. And your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die. And there will I be buried beside you. We will be together forever, and our love will be the gift of our life.’
First of all, THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK 💔
I was fighting a reading slump when I picked ‘Before my Actual Heart Breaks’, but it pulled me in from the very first few pages with its exquisite prose and the sense that a special story was waiting to be uncovered.
It guided me through the bittersweet spectrum of love and a whirlwind of emotions - the intensity of young love and dreams, the comfort and the weight of fractured family love, the love tested by struggling times where joy and hardship walk hand in hand and the ache of love that’s not enough to heal old wounds.
The authentic characters made their joys and struggles impossible not to feel. Mary and John’s choices often baffled me (especially adult Mary’s!), as they ‘chose silence over sense’, but they both carried a lot of emotional burden and that’s what made their story feel so real and memorable. John’s decisions at the end of the book seem to be exactly what was needed for Mary to find her healed voice.
Be prepared for your actual heart to break. 🤍
‘Wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you dwell, I will dwell. Your people will be my people. And your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die. And there will I be buried beside you. We will be together forever, and our love will be the gift of our life.’
January 13, 2024
A new top 5!!!!!!
January 20, 2021
If you’re a fan of Derry Girls, you will adore this debut novel. It’s set amidst the Troubles of Northern Ireland and tells the story of Mary Rattigan and her personal troubles from her teenage years to adulthood. As the title suggests, it’s a heartbreaking read but it’s definitely a contestant for one of my favourite books of the year. I could hear the Irish accent while reading this, which was so incredible. Please go and read it!
November 16, 2020
When bad times have passed, it's easy to forget how bad they were. Today we live in an era when countries all over the world worry about terrorism, but back in the 1970s and 1980s, sectarian violence in Northern Ireland and its spillover into the rest of the UK was the order of the day. I grew up in a town close to major army bases and when I got my first 'proper' Saturday job in a record store, I learned the routine for bomb alerts before I learned the afternoon cashing-up or locking-up procedures. My auntie Ann once caused a major alert by accidentally leaving a bag of shopping outside Woolworths. Occasionally we got out of school early if there'd been a warning. We grew up wary of unattended baggage, kept an eye out for odd behaviour, and all of this was in the South of England. Later, I worked in Warrington at the time of the bombings and lived in Manchester when the IRA bombed the Arndale Centre. Multiply all that 10,000 times, move the setting to just a few miles from the Northern Ireland/Republic of Ireland border, chuck in the British Army and stir in multiple killings of local men and boys by groups from both sides of the divide and you've got the setting for Tish Delaney's 'Before my Actual Heart Bleeds'. Never forget.
The only thing worse than being 16 with dreams of escaping a violent and abusive mother and heading for England is being 16 and pregnant with all your dreams shattered. Mary's parents broker a marriage with a local man, John Johns, a handsome farmer but one touched with scandal due to his parentage. Never marry a 16-year-old with dreams, a baby in her womb and a massive chip on her shoulder!
This is a sad, sad story of the ignorance and prejudice of its time. A girl who loses everything for a few minutes of unexpected joy and then sees all her plans for life evaporate. It's a tale of two people who just can't talk to each other or admit to their feelings. It's dripping with so much repression and so many words unspoken that the reader will want to shake the pair of them into some sense.
It's easy to forget how much the world has moved on. When you couldn't make a phone call because you didn't have a phone. You couldn't stay up after dark and read a book because you didn't have electricity, or take a bath because you didn't have one and even if you did, you'd have had to boil the water on the range, and you couldn't step outside society's expectations without being slapped back into your place.
This is a great example of the 'rotten repressed life in a community of prejudice' genre but it's no 'Angela's Ashes'. The home is basic (especially at the beginning) and the work is hard but nobody's starving. BMAHB is about poverty of love and communication, not about starvation or picking up coal and drinking tea from jam jars. It's a powerful reminder of how far we've come and perhaps a warning of how easily we could slip back.
I have dual nationality - British and Irish - and I need to remind myself of what my countries went through and just how wrong things can go when society focuses on the differences and not the things that bind us together. BMAHB is not an easy read but it's well worth the time taken.
The only thing worse than being 16 with dreams of escaping a violent and abusive mother and heading for England is being 16 and pregnant with all your dreams shattered. Mary's parents broker a marriage with a local man, John Johns, a handsome farmer but one touched with scandal due to his parentage. Never marry a 16-year-old with dreams, a baby in her womb and a massive chip on her shoulder!
This is a sad, sad story of the ignorance and prejudice of its time. A girl who loses everything for a few minutes of unexpected joy and then sees all her plans for life evaporate. It's a tale of two people who just can't talk to each other or admit to their feelings. It's dripping with so much repression and so many words unspoken that the reader will want to shake the pair of them into some sense.
It's easy to forget how much the world has moved on. When you couldn't make a phone call because you didn't have a phone. You couldn't stay up after dark and read a book because you didn't have electricity, or take a bath because you didn't have one and even if you did, you'd have had to boil the water on the range, and you couldn't step outside society's expectations without being slapped back into your place.
This is a great example of the 'rotten repressed life in a community of prejudice' genre but it's no 'Angela's Ashes'. The home is basic (especially at the beginning) and the work is hard but nobody's starving. BMAHB is about poverty of love and communication, not about starvation or picking up coal and drinking tea from jam jars. It's a powerful reminder of how far we've come and perhaps a warning of how easily we could slip back.
I have dual nationality - British and Irish - and I need to remind myself of what my countries went through and just how wrong things can go when society focuses on the differences and not the things that bind us together. BMAHB is not an easy read but it's well worth the time taken.
January 29, 2023
I have an empty nest, an empty lap, empty arms, a hollow heart”
Set amidst The Troubles of Northern Ireland in the 70s through to early 2000s we follow Mary Rattigan through her and her family’s religious, political and personal journeys.
This is author Tish Delaneys debut novel, and it is wonderful! Written with beautiful, lyrical prose, I was captivated throughout the whole journey. My actual heart did break, many times.
This isn’t just a love story, it’s so much more! It’s a story of personal growth, of grappling with your past demons, childhood trauma, of your hopes, wishes and desires, of understanding and ultimately, self actualisation.
Sorry, I know that’s a lot, but I have so many thoughts running through my head about this book!
It’s deeply reflective, peppered with dark Irish humour, that had me laughing, crying and frustrated all together. Delaney captures her characters and their relationships so reverently. Some you love, some you feel empathy towards and others you downright loathe, all as you do in real life.
My recommendation? Read this book!! That’s it!
Set amidst The Troubles of Northern Ireland in the 70s through to early 2000s we follow Mary Rattigan through her and her family’s religious, political and personal journeys.
This is author Tish Delaneys debut novel, and it is wonderful! Written with beautiful, lyrical prose, I was captivated throughout the whole journey. My actual heart did break, many times.
This isn’t just a love story, it’s so much more! It’s a story of personal growth, of grappling with your past demons, childhood trauma, of your hopes, wishes and desires, of understanding and ultimately, self actualisation.
Sorry, I know that’s a lot, but I have so many thoughts running through my head about this book!
It’s deeply reflective, peppered with dark Irish humour, that had me laughing, crying and frustrated all together. Delaney captures her characters and their relationships so reverently. Some you love, some you feel empathy towards and others you downright loathe, all as you do in real life.
My recommendation? Read this book!! That’s it!
November 3, 2021
I adored this book, characters to love and hate but all brought vividly to life in this story of growing up in 1970s Northern Ireland. My heart could have broken for Mary. Just the ending/last fifth of the book let it down for me otherwise it’d have been 5 stars.
March 9, 2022
Well, it feels like my heart actually did break reading this
September 14, 2022
Mary has dreams and a cruel mother who beats her and instills in her that she is nothing. The background is the Troubles of Ireland with fear and daily killings by both sides. Mary's mother is a vicious Catholic. When Mary becomes pregnant at 16 her mother manipulates her into a marriage with the man who owns the neighbouring farm. Thus follow 30 years of Mary's struggle against herself, her worthlessness and her fears. The writing is wonderful, sharp and humorous and relentless. I couldn't put it down.
February 7, 2025
i didn’t love this one as much as i had hoped i would :(
May 27, 2023
This book hooked me from the start… the story of Mary Rattigans abuse at the hands of her mother is raw and painful but at the early stage of the book she still clings to hope that she will leave Tyrone and her mother like her siblings have done. A teenage pregnancy and an inexplicable shotgun wedding changed all her plans.
Despite how good her husband is to both her and her daughter, she still treats him with disdain and blames him for her predicament. At times I wanted to shout at her character for being so selfish but as a product of a damaged childhood, she hadn’t dealt with her own emotional issues and in many ways was still childlike in her behaviour.
Her relationship with her father was a central theme.. she desperately wanted him to intervene in the abuse or tell her he loved her but he couldn’t - the main characters in the book shared this inability to express their feelings and emotions. I do wish the book had provided some clues as to what led Sadie to be so vicious but nonetheless I couldn’t put this one down!
Despite how good her husband is to both her and her daughter, she still treats him with disdain and blames him for her predicament. At times I wanted to shout at her character for being so selfish but as a product of a damaged childhood, she hadn’t dealt with her own emotional issues and in many ways was still childlike in her behaviour.
Her relationship with her father was a central theme.. she desperately wanted him to intervene in the abuse or tell her he loved her but he couldn’t - the main characters in the book shared this inability to express their feelings and emotions. I do wish the book had provided some clues as to what led Sadie to be so vicious but nonetheless I couldn’t put this one down!
January 26, 2024
This book pissed me off and reinforced my hatred for culchies - it will not kill you to leave the sticks!
Really well written and I liked how it interposed the tragedies from the Troubles and the mundanity of everyday life for people living through them.
Really well written and I liked how it interposed the tragedies from the Troubles and the mundanity of everyday life for people living through them.
October 21, 2020
Mary falls pregnant at the tender age of sixteen during the Troubles in Northern Ireland. Having been brought up harshly and devoutly, an unmarried mother was something to be talked about within the chapel and the community alike. Mary’s mother, someone you’d be stupid be caught talking about in church or community, takes her own action to protect the reputation of the family, and to save her own face.
Delaney carefully takes us through Mary’s life from childhood in a way which feels tender and familial. The way I felt for her was almost sisterly; I loved her, I yearned for her to make good choices, I exasperated with her. She had a difficult upbringing, a mother too quick with her slaps, a father too willing to turn a blind eye. We soon come to realise that Mary carries trauma from this, and mostly from words thrown at her rather than slaps. The feeling she is never good enough pervades itself in her mind and through the pages for the entirety of the novel.
The prose is gorgeous, sweeping Northern Ireland’s country and farmland, then across to its more commercial and built-up areas. Delaney describes the social panic, the checkpoints, the soldiers, the bombs, the chaos. She makes no subtleties in ensuring we know how terrifying a time this was for the Irish people, and that neither side of the argument were in the right with their opinions and behaviours.
Delaney’s true skill here was displaying the complex relationships and emotions experienced by every character in the novel. Everything is vividly raw, no one understands what others are holding close to them, each person has a purpose and will strive for that without sharing their feelings or dreams. It’s a heartbreaking portrayal of how deeply miscommunication can wound us, how sometimes trauma can cause irreparable damage, and how the walls we build can be strong enough to ruin us.
I truly loved this; Delaney has done something truly evocative and powerful, and I’m looking forward to see what she does next.
Delaney carefully takes us through Mary’s life from childhood in a way which feels tender and familial. The way I felt for her was almost sisterly; I loved her, I yearned for her to make good choices, I exasperated with her. She had a difficult upbringing, a mother too quick with her slaps, a father too willing to turn a blind eye. We soon come to realise that Mary carries trauma from this, and mostly from words thrown at her rather than slaps. The feeling she is never good enough pervades itself in her mind and through the pages for the entirety of the novel.
The prose is gorgeous, sweeping Northern Ireland’s country and farmland, then across to its more commercial and built-up areas. Delaney describes the social panic, the checkpoints, the soldiers, the bombs, the chaos. She makes no subtleties in ensuring we know how terrifying a time this was for the Irish people, and that neither side of the argument were in the right with their opinions and behaviours.
Delaney’s true skill here was displaying the complex relationships and emotions experienced by every character in the novel. Everything is vividly raw, no one understands what others are holding close to them, each person has a purpose and will strive for that without sharing their feelings or dreams. It’s a heartbreaking portrayal of how deeply miscommunication can wound us, how sometimes trauma can cause irreparable damage, and how the walls we build can be strong enough to ruin us.
I truly loved this; Delaney has done something truly evocative and powerful, and I’m looking forward to see what she does next.
January 26, 2022
So, I’m giving this book 4 stars now that I finished it even though, it doesn’t feel like a 4 stars. But it my heart, it feels like it.
I’m not going to tell you what this book is about (there are people who tell books better than me and also, Google it) but I will tell you what was wrong with this one.
“How comes there’s something wrong with this book if you, you the nastiest stars giver, gave it 4 stars? That’s a miracle!”
So this book’s pacing was unnerving. It felt off at times when it should have picked pace and when it shouldn’t have, it picked a weird pace.
So many religious references and that pissed me off. At the beginning it was comprehensible because it put me into the context of what was going on and how the MC was who she was. But still, pissed me off. That’s my preference, though.
But I couldn’t DNF it. Yes a potential DNFed book that is a 4 stars reading! I’m weird! I’m going to tell you how this book felt like and I really hope that it will make sense to you (and to me).
This book felt like being in a train ride where there’s this old woman who grabs your attention because she wants to talk to someone. So, a little bit pissed off, you take off your earphones and listen to her. She starts talking about her life, her family, her children, her youth; her friends, her land, her country, religion… and you get bored and you want to get off of that train so bad but you’re there, stuck with her and listen. Sometimes you get invested, sometimes you get distracted by something irrelevant. Then the train ride ends and you smile politely at the lady and get off as fast as you can, happy to be miles away from her.
But you can’t stop thinking about her and about the life she told you about and you start feeling a weird kind of nostalgia and you wish her story was written down so you could revisit it whenever you feel lonely.
This is what this book made me feel.
I’m not going to tell you what this book is about (there are people who tell books better than me and also, Google it) but I will tell you what was wrong with this one.
“How comes there’s something wrong with this book if you, you the nastiest stars giver, gave it 4 stars? That’s a miracle!”
So this book’s pacing was unnerving. It felt off at times when it should have picked pace and when it shouldn’t have, it picked a weird pace.
So many religious references and that pissed me off. At the beginning it was comprehensible because it put me into the context of what was going on and how the MC was who she was. But still, pissed me off. That’s my preference, though.
But I couldn’t DNF it. Yes a potential DNFed book that is a 4 stars reading! I’m weird! I’m going to tell you how this book felt like and I really hope that it will make sense to you (and to me).
This book felt like being in a train ride where there’s this old woman who grabs your attention because she wants to talk to someone. So, a little bit pissed off, you take off your earphones and listen to her. She starts talking about her life, her family, her children, her youth; her friends, her land, her country, religion… and you get bored and you want to get off of that train so bad but you’re there, stuck with her and listen. Sometimes you get invested, sometimes you get distracted by something irrelevant. Then the train ride ends and you smile politely at the lady and get off as fast as you can, happy to be miles away from her.
But you can’t stop thinking about her and about the life she told you about and you start feeling a weird kind of nostalgia and you wish her story was written down so you could revisit it whenever you feel lonely.
This is what this book made me feel.
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