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Am I A Murderer?: Testament Of A Jewish Ghetto Policeman
The diary of a young Polish Jew reveals his attempt to protect himself against Nazi persecution by becoming a policeman in a ghetto near Warsaw
255 pages, Hardcover
Published January 4, 1996
8 people are currently reading
188 people want to read
About the author
Calel Perechodnik
4 books1 followerCalek Perechodnik. Full version of his one and only book was published under title Spowiedź (in Polish). Czy ja jestem mordercą (Am I a Murderer?) isn not a complete story.
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
June 13, 2018
Calel Perechodnik was a Jewish policeman in the ghetto of Otwock. He wrote this memoir while in hiding from the Nazis and is deeply pessimistic about his chances of surviving the war. He is beside himself with grief and rage and the unhinged tone of his writing is unlike most Holocaust memoirs in its raw fury and deep shame. This is a man utterly broken in spirit.
The pivot of his story is the day the deportations takes place in the ghetto. He persuades his wife and young daughter to come out of their hiding place in a cellar and attend the selections. He has been told by his chief they will not be selected for the transport. But they are selected and he has to watch them sitting on the ground from the other side of a barbed wire fence. To make his guilt and shame still worse, his best friend, in the same situation, takes off his policeman uniform and joins his own wife and children. Calel doesn't follow his example. He stands by watching as his young family are taken to the cattle trucks. When he returns home he discovers his aunt, who remained in the cellar, is still there. She has survived, as would his wife and child had he not intervened.
Unfortunately, his bitterness extends not only to Poles - his belief is all the uneducated lower classes are happy to see the extermination of the Jews - and his fellow Jews who don't think twice about robbing and betraying each other to stay alive, but also to his own mother and father who disgust him with their egotistic determination to stay alive. During the writing of his memoir his father is captured and shot and he is forced to repent much of what he wrote about him. In short, this is a deeply disturbing book, not least of all for its unflinching criticism of his own people. There are many Holocaust books which give us an account of the triumph of human nature against the most demeaning and desperate odds. This is an account of how that same desperation can bring out the very worst in human nature. In many ways, it's a book that implies that death is preferable to the shameful deeds one has to perform to survive under the barbaric insanity of Nazi rule.
The pivot of his story is the day the deportations takes place in the ghetto. He persuades his wife and young daughter to come out of their hiding place in a cellar and attend the selections. He has been told by his chief they will not be selected for the transport. But they are selected and he has to watch them sitting on the ground from the other side of a barbed wire fence. To make his guilt and shame still worse, his best friend, in the same situation, takes off his policeman uniform and joins his own wife and children. Calel doesn't follow his example. He stands by watching as his young family are taken to the cattle trucks. When he returns home he discovers his aunt, who remained in the cellar, is still there. She has survived, as would his wife and child had he not intervened.
Unfortunately, his bitterness extends not only to Poles - his belief is all the uneducated lower classes are happy to see the extermination of the Jews - and his fellow Jews who don't think twice about robbing and betraying each other to stay alive, but also to his own mother and father who disgust him with their egotistic determination to stay alive. During the writing of his memoir his father is captured and shot and he is forced to repent much of what he wrote about him. In short, this is a deeply disturbing book, not least of all for its unflinching criticism of his own people. There are many Holocaust books which give us an account of the triumph of human nature against the most demeaning and desperate odds. This is an account of how that same desperation can bring out the very worst in human nature. In many ways, it's a book that implies that death is preferable to the shameful deeds one has to perform to survive under the barbaric insanity of Nazi rule.
February 3, 2012
This is an astonishing memoir of how one Polish man, Calel Perechodnik, escaped the Nazi death machine despite his Jewish heritage. It is not a heroic tale or an inspiring tale, though. It is his story of how he survived by agreeing to be a policeman for the Nazis in the Jewish ghetto of Otwock. It is his story of how by doing so he tried, but failed, to save his wife and daughter from death. A story of how he chose to preserve his own life as he watched them board the cattle cars to the gas chamber.
From my comfortable perch as a reader, I found myself repeatedly thinking, "Oh, he should have done this, or he should have done that. Then they would have survived. Why didn't they leave early on when they could?" But how could anyone have foreseen the horrors to come? I think it is our nature to believe that "this will all blow over soon" and postpone action. Would I have done anything differently? No, I'm sure not. And, in the end, he did not survive either, regardless of his calculated actions.
His is a seeringly honest account of guilt and grief. He paints a close-up view of the deprivations -- even the pettiness -- of ghetto life. He gives an honest account of his less than loving parents and even describes his dalliances with a young girl after his wife and daughter are taken away. Anyone trying to preserve his own reputation might choose to omit this kind of information. Instead, Mr. Perechodnik opts for honesty and truthfulness, no matter how poorly it reflects on him or his family.
I was riveted by this book. I had no idea anything like it existed. My only thought was that the book might have been edited more; I lost my way in the swirl of names and relationships and the day-to-day accounts. But, regardless, it is a valuable narrative I am glad to have come across. It is astonishing that Mr. Perechodnik wrote this as the events unfolded, and that he was able to place it in the hands of someone who could see that it eventually came to light.
From my comfortable perch as a reader, I found myself repeatedly thinking, "Oh, he should have done this, or he should have done that. Then they would have survived. Why didn't they leave early on when they could?" But how could anyone have foreseen the horrors to come? I think it is our nature to believe that "this will all blow over soon" and postpone action. Would I have done anything differently? No, I'm sure not. And, in the end, he did not survive either, regardless of his calculated actions.
His is a seeringly honest account of guilt and grief. He paints a close-up view of the deprivations -- even the pettiness -- of ghetto life. He gives an honest account of his less than loving parents and even describes his dalliances with a young girl after his wife and daughter are taken away. Anyone trying to preserve his own reputation might choose to omit this kind of information. Instead, Mr. Perechodnik opts for honesty and truthfulness, no matter how poorly it reflects on him or his family.
I was riveted by this book. I had no idea anything like it existed. My only thought was that the book might have been edited more; I lost my way in the swirl of names and relationships and the day-to-day accounts. But, regardless, it is a valuable narrative I am glad to have come across. It is astonishing that Mr. Perechodnik wrote this as the events unfolded, and that he was able to place it in the hands of someone who could see that it eventually came to light.
February 2, 2016
Perechodnik was a Polish Jew who volunteered to be a ghetto policeman, volunteered to help the Nazis load the cattle cars with his fellow Jews, believing that this would save his wife and children. Instead, at his suggestion, they left their hiding place, joined the other victims in the town square, and were loaded onto the cattle cars as he watched.
This memoir was his response to his guilt. It was written over the 105 day period of his hiding in Warsaw. It is at times beautifully written, is generally heart-breaking, and always tragic. He tells not only his story, but those of his mother and father, the man who saved (or tried to save) his little group, and the man who took care of some of his things and received the text at (or near) the end.
This memoir was his response to his guilt. It was written over the 105 day period of his hiding in Warsaw. It is at times beautifully written, is generally heart-breaking, and always tragic. He tells not only his story, but those of his mother and father, the man who saved (or tried to save) his little group, and the man who took care of some of his things and received the text at (or near) the end.
February 15, 2016
It was very interesting in the first half of the memoir, but then once he lost his "power" as a Jew and suddenly had to hide like everyone else, he got very bitter towards his own religion. That alone ruined the book for me.
Want to read
February 19, 2009I found this book in an antique book store and could not leave it! The story sounds amazing and heartbreaking.
November 13, 2021
What a person will do to save himself, even if it means turning on your own people. A fascinating, first-hand mea culpa.
March 11, 2024
Very good but horrifying. Would rate in my top ten holocaust memoirs. Could be turned into a great HBO historical drama.
Fascinating how the author explains how brilliant the Germans were in lulling the Polish Jews into a sense of security while over time liquidating the ghettos and murdering the Jews there or sending them to the concentration camps where the survivors knew they were being exterminated. Of note, the author noted Ukrainians on the side of Germany would often come into Jewish ghettos as shock troopers when they would liquidate the ghettos and often kill random people and shoot wildly into buildings or groups of people to help ensure cooperation with the liquidation.
Fascinating how the author explains how brilliant the Germans were in lulling the Polish Jews into a sense of security while over time liquidating the ghettos and murdering the Jews there or sending them to the concentration camps where the survivors knew they were being exterminated. Of note, the author noted Ukrainians on the side of Germany would often come into Jewish ghettos as shock troopers when they would liquidate the ghettos and often kill random people and shoot wildly into buildings or groups of people to help ensure cooperation with the liquidation.
October 14, 2017
"L'uomo deve far parte dei perseguitati e non dei persecutori."
- Talmud, Trattato di Babba Kama (p. 262)
- Talmud, Trattato di Babba Kama (p. 262)
January 1, 2020
Insightful and a bit controversial about situating victims of the holocaust, worth a read
August 27, 2024
Utter despair.. reminds me in tone and anguish of the Vittel Diary by Katznelson
January 2, 2025
Despite its sensationalist title, which is not the author's own, this turned out to be one of the best accounts of the Holocaust I’ve ever read. It’s a shame that this testimony is not better known.
The book describes life in the small-town ghetto leading up to and after its liquidation, followed by a period where the author and his family hid in Warsaw.
Perechodnik’s writing is deeply human and provides the reader with excellent insight into various aspects of the Holocaust. The main driver for writing the book is the enormous guilt of a victim-turned-perpetrator who ended up sending his own wife and child to an extermination camp. But the book also depicts the dehumanization and manipulation of the victims, the brutality of the German occupiers, the indifference and complicity of the gentile population, and the daily struggle for survival.
Unfortunately, this—currently the only—translation into English is based on an earlier, edited edition (the full memoir has since been published under a new title, 'Confession'), and it is in desperate need of an update. I’m sure the translator worked with the best of intentions, but there are errors. Perechodnik was highly educated and well-read, and his prose is very good. However, literal translations of idioms and word-for-word translations from Polish make the writing sound awkward in many places taking away from the depth of the original.
It's an underappreciated book that deserves a wider audience and a better translation.
The book describes life in the small-town ghetto leading up to and after its liquidation, followed by a period where the author and his family hid in Warsaw.
Perechodnik’s writing is deeply human and provides the reader with excellent insight into various aspects of the Holocaust. The main driver for writing the book is the enormous guilt of a victim-turned-perpetrator who ended up sending his own wife and child to an extermination camp. But the book also depicts the dehumanization and manipulation of the victims, the brutality of the German occupiers, the indifference and complicity of the gentile population, and the daily struggle for survival.
Unfortunately, this—currently the only—translation into English is based on an earlier, edited edition (the full memoir has since been published under a new title, 'Confession'), and it is in desperate need of an update. I’m sure the translator worked with the best of intentions, but there are errors. Perechodnik was highly educated and well-read, and his prose is very good. However, literal translations of idioms and word-for-word translations from Polish make the writing sound awkward in many places taking away from the depth of the original.
It's an underappreciated book that deserves a wider audience and a better translation.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews