okay. based on my rant to my book club i"m updating my review. And before all you diehard Garwoodians come at me, please know this: i've always loved Julie Garwood's books. Hers were the first romance novels I ever read as a young impressionable girl. I'll still read every book that comes out under her name. BUT COME THE HECK ON.
Okay - on to the review that will also have the occasional input from my fellow book club members, all who shall have a fun nickname to protect their anonymity. Also - probably spoilers ahead so read at your own risk. Since our book club tends to read and discuss books without any explicit sexy fun times, I gave a disclaimer that I needed to vent about something that may be r to x rated and those with delicate sensibilities may need to look away.
I confessed that at the young impressionable age of 12-13 I read my first smutty romance. (Shoutout to the parents that didn't censor my reading because I learned some THINGS.)
Seeking, perhaps, to soothe my apprehension at sharing such an appalling secret, a fellow book clubber that shall henceforth be referred to as Lizzo for the sole reason that she use this particular chat to introduce us all to Lizzo's I Love You Bitch song, says that her first was VC Andrews at roughly the same age.
I carry on - my first smutty book was The Gift by Julie Garwood. HOW I LOVED IT. The arranged marriage. Pirate ships. Scandals abound. Much deflowering. And like a child who has discovered her favorite blanket, I stuck with Julie Garwood. I have read every book she's ever written. They're my comfort reads. Her heroines are generally very likeable and not totally helpless twits. I loved her so much books that when playing with my Barbies (because again, 12-13), I would name my Barbies after her characters.
Another lovely book clubber, to be known henceforth as Jennifer Garner because the actress of the same name played the heroine of a Julie Garwood novel that was made into a Hallmark movie, GETS IT. She's like, "YES, FOR THE ROSES IS MY GO-TO"
So I continue, telling my beloved book club that I've stuck with Julie through thick and thin, from her transition away from historical romances with pirates and highlanders to contemporary romances featuring fbi agents and federal attorneys. But this book - this freaking book.
The heroine is a virgin. Fine - lots of people don't bang just for the sake of banging. But as she's being deflowered by the hero, who she doesn't tell she is a virgin, she has her very first ever 'climax' ever. and doesn't know what it is.
MA'AM.
My book clubbers and I have questions. The first is who still uses the word climax. Especially in a sex scene.
The second, from Lizzo, is what, she didn't climax in the shower when she was thirteen like normal people.
The third, also from Lizzo, is to inquire as to the age of the heroine. (in case it matters to you, fine reader of this review, she is a college graduate of 24ish who of course had a fake id, but never ever used it to procure alcohol BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOESNT)
A fourth, follow up question again from the ever insightful and curious Lizzo, is she had a climax from vaginal sex. Is this a romance or a comedy? (I did have an answer to this question, which is that as per usual, Julie's heroes are very giving and gave her a climax during oral before taking her to poundtown.)
And not so much a questions is a statement of fact from myself: EVERY TWENTY-FOUR YEAR OLD HAS HAD A CLIMAX AND MOST CERTAINLY KNOWS WHAT ONE IS. N
Another statement of fact from myself: her hero had to tell her what was happening to her because her climax scared her.
Book Club Member, John Denver, so named for reasons known to her, decides this is a very heroic thing of the hero to do.
I confess my disappointment in this Julie Garwood book. Because as a tween/teen who played with Barbies, Julie Garwood reads made me feel so sophisticated. She was no mere Harlequin romance writer. She was Julie Garwood.
Lizzo, concerned by all things age-related today, lets us know that Julie Garwood is now 76 years old.
John Denver ponders whether Julie has a ghost writer.
Lizzo says yes - this feels like a man wrote it.
With regards to her the age comment, I said you know, she did grow up in Catholic Schools, maybe she is going back to her roots. John Denver speaks knowingly of purity culture and ponders whether Julie was as traumatizes as she was.
Jennifer Garner is icked out and comes out of the gate hard with the question of who is this fantasy for because 'Im so untouched, I havent even touched myself, and only the touch of a big strong man can awaken my sexuality" is a total male fantasy.
I felt the need to explain my commitment to finishing this book which was basically - This is not my Julie. this has to get better. But no, this heroine is a total Mary Sue. She's a total baller with a handgun. She's described as a 'Greek Goddess' by the surgeon pulling a bullet out of her arm that she never complained about. She can sing to the extent that she becomes a celebrity overnight. She befriends total strangers everywhere she does. Her one fatal flaw is that she......wait for it........is a terrible driver. And this fatal flaw is actually something that saved her life later.
At which point every member of the book club agrees that a GHOST-WRITING-MAN WROTE THIS BOOK.
I take a moment to think about this. And it makes sense. Because previously beloved male heroes from prior books call a background female character ( who exists only as a foil to our Mary Sue Heroine and to stir up angst) a bitch. This feels very out of character for these previously established heroes as well as out of character for Julie.
Julie, we still love ya. But we still have MANY questions.