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از ناکامیهای کودکی گذر کردن
A guide to breaking free from the enduring, and sometimes damaging, behavioral patterns we learned in childhood.
As we try to navigate the complexities and anxieties of adulthood, considering our childhoods can feel like a daunting task. They happened so long ago; we can probably barely remember, let alone relate to, the little person we used to be. But one of the most powerful explanations for why we struggle as adults is that we were denied the opportunity to fully be ourselves as children.
Whether our parents or caregivers were strict disciplinarians, overly fragile, or distant and preoccupied, the way we were taught to act as children deeply influences how we behave as adults. We might have assumed the role of caregiver, become people pleasers, or learned to tell lies to protect ourselves, burying our true needs and desires deep underground.
When we thoroughly examine our upbringings, the larger implications for our adult selves become clear. Once we understand the roots from which our flaws stem, we can begin to correct the harmful behaviors we mistakenly believe to be innate.
This book is a guide to better understanding our younger selves in order to shape who we wish to be today. It explores to what extent we can pin our actions in the present to our experiences in the past, and how we can break free from the learned patterns of our childhoods.
As we try to navigate the complexities and anxieties of adulthood, considering our childhoods can feel like a daunting task. They happened so long ago; we can probably barely remember, let alone relate to, the little person we used to be. But one of the most powerful explanations for why we struggle as adults is that we were denied the opportunity to fully be ourselves as children.
Whether our parents or caregivers were strict disciplinarians, overly fragile, or distant and preoccupied, the way we were taught to act as children deeply influences how we behave as adults. We might have assumed the role of caregiver, become people pleasers, or learned to tell lies to protect ourselves, burying our true needs and desires deep underground.
When we thoroughly examine our upbringings, the larger implications for our adult selves become clear. Once we understand the roots from which our flaws stem, we can begin to correct the harmful behaviors we mistakenly believe to be innate.
This book is a guide to better understanding our younger selves in order to shape who we wish to be today. It explores to what extent we can pin our actions in the present to our experiences in the past, and how we can break free from the learned patterns of our childhoods.
104 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2019
301 people are currently reading
3905 people want to read
About the author
The School of Life
173 books3,127 followersThe School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 198 reviews
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February 24, 2020Well THAT’S sorted then.
September 5, 2020
How to Overcome Your Childhood was originally slated to be used as part of a self-critical lecture series for my middle school students which, due to COVID, has now become a moot endeavour.
Instead, I picked this up to better understand someone very dear to me and try to see if there were ways in which to mitigate my own behaviour towards my students. This book helped me with none of these.
At its worst, How to Overcome Your Childhood is deeply misleading. In no way does the set of essays within this thin volume give any indication on how to do anything whatsoever. It's also saccharine in nature, so beguiling in its passivity that at times, I felt I was reading what would have been in the 80s, "a very special episode" -- so obvious in its statements, so flaccid in its argumentation, so sweet...
So why does it get four stars? Because I think the point of How to Overcome Your Childhood IS to be saccharine sweet. It is meant to comfort, to coddle just a bit too much, because it isn't written by a team of child psychologists, it is written by the School of Life. Therein lies what is noteworthy. How to Overcome Your Childhood endeavours, I believe, to provide solace to troubled minds and lives, to provide just enough insights whereby allowing the individual, should they want, to delve deeper of their own accord. This is why there is a large emphasis on Psychotherapy at the end -- it doesn't pretend to know the answers, it just allows a little respite from making the reader think they have to figure it out now. And if that's the case, then it did beautifully.
Instead, I picked this up to better understand someone very dear to me and try to see if there were ways in which to mitigate my own behaviour towards my students. This book helped me with none of these.
At its worst, How to Overcome Your Childhood is deeply misleading. In no way does the set of essays within this thin volume give any indication on how to do anything whatsoever. It's also saccharine in nature, so beguiling in its passivity that at times, I felt I was reading what would have been in the 80s, "a very special episode" -- so obvious in its statements, so flaccid in its argumentation, so sweet...
So why does it get four stars? Because I think the point of How to Overcome Your Childhood IS to be saccharine sweet. It is meant to comfort, to coddle just a bit too much, because it isn't written by a team of child psychologists, it is written by the School of Life. Therein lies what is noteworthy. How to Overcome Your Childhood endeavours, I believe, to provide solace to troubled minds and lives, to provide just enough insights whereby allowing the individual, should they want, to delve deeper of their own accord. This is why there is a large emphasis on Psychotherapy at the end -- it doesn't pretend to know the answers, it just allows a little respite from making the reader think they have to figure it out now. And if that's the case, then it did beautifully.
February 2, 2021
Like every other work of art from The School of Life, this is very good.
I have realised that many beliefs and limitations that I hold up comes from my childhood and past experiences. I could bulldoze my way forward by putting more energy without processing or acknowledging the past. That eventually hurts me and the people around me. A better way is, to process, understand and recognise on the past and let the unstuck emotions flow through. I learnt this key lesson in the last year and this book is a reinforcement of that learning.
This is also a good book about parenting. In parenting context, I wanted to learn more about the British therapist Donald Winnicott. This book is an excellent introduction to his works and writings.
I have realised that many beliefs and limitations that I hold up comes from my childhood and past experiences. I could bulldoze my way forward by putting more energy without processing or acknowledging the past. That eventually hurts me and the people around me. A better way is, to process, understand and recognise on the past and let the unstuck emotions flow through. I learnt this key lesson in the last year and this book is a reinforcement of that learning.
This is also a good book about parenting. In parenting context, I wanted to learn more about the British therapist Donald Winnicott. This book is an excellent introduction to his works and writings.
March 11, 2021
I absolutely enjoyed reading this book, and it did made me tear up in the process.
This book is dedicated to growing emotional intelligence, and the school of life never fails to do so.
Recommended!!
March 26, 2023
"آنچه بیادبی خوانده میشود درواقع نخستین تلاشهای کودک برای استقلال و کشف اصالت خود است. کودکان بازیگوش و بیادب در آینده خلاقتر خواهند بود چون بدون آنکه منتظر تایید فوری دیگران باشند جرئت امتحان کردن ایدههای مختلفی را که به ذهنشان میرید دارند."
-بخشی از کتاب.
دوست داشتم و برام جالب بود کلن.
-بخشی از کتاب.
دوست داشتم و برام جالب بود کلن.
January 9, 2020
Wow, this book was amazing. I want to buy it for all my friends. Probably the best book on childhood I’ve ever read, and I’ve read a fair few. Short and sweet but doesn’t put a foot wrong. So lyrical in places I had to stop and write down favourite lines. The sort of writing you could eat.
January 7, 2020
Very interesting insights... it has given me a lot to reflect on for myself and plenty to ponder on regarding those I love... there are a few concepts in the book that challenges my own personal beliefs when it comes to relationships... living a life of bittersweet is a beautiful concept which almost brought tears to my eyes... an acceptance of what was and is... in reading this I've come to my own realizations of how rigid my perspectives are based on my childhood... feeling this resistance to certain ideas had red flagged for me habits in which could do with some extra love and awareness in how I react and interact with those that I love. A beautiful book gifted to me by a beautiful person. Thank you AP
March 25, 2022
کتاب درباره مشکلات دوران کودکی و پیامد اون در بزرگسالی است و راهکارهایی درباره نشون دادن شکل رفتار بالغانه و درمان اون ها به ما میده.
ما باید توجه ویژه ای به دوران کودکی داشته باشیم چرا که ریشه بسیاری از رفتار های بزرگسالیمون نهفته در دوران کودکیه که یا بیاد نمیاریم یا عامدانه فراموش کردیم اما نباید از اراده و شناخت درست در رفع مشکلات چشم پوشید و خودمونو محکوم گذشته بدونیم. اما مهم ترین مسائلی که برای داشتن بزرگسال سالم باید در کودکی رعایت بشه و کتاب اشاره کرده به طور خلاصه دوست داشتن بدون قید و شرط، احساس امنیت و عشق دادن به کودک و رفع نیاز های اساسی اون، عدم توجه بیش از حد، منتقد و پرخاشگر نبودن بیش از حد و اجازه دادن به کودک برای نشون دادن خود واقعیش نه توقعات بی جا داشتنه که کتاب اونا رو بسط داده. خوندن کتاب برای شناخت خودمون و رفتار هامون و شناخت اطرافیان مفیده.
ما باید توجه ویژه ای به دوران کودکی داشته باشیم چرا که ریشه بسیاری از رفتار های بزرگسالیمون نهفته در دوران کودکیه که یا بیاد نمیاریم یا عامدانه فراموش کردیم اما نباید از اراده و شناخت درست در رفع مشکلات چشم پوشید و خودمونو محکوم گذشته بدونیم. اما مهم ترین مسائلی که برای داشتن بزرگسال سالم باید در کودکی رعایت بشه و کتاب اشاره کرده به طور خلاصه دوست داشتن بدون قید و شرط، احساس امنیت و عشق دادن به کودک و رفع نیاز های اساسی اون، عدم توجه بیش از حد، منتقد و پرخاشگر نبودن بیش از حد و اجازه دادن به کودک برای نشون دادن خود واقعیش نه توقعات بی جا داشتنه که کتاب اونا رو بسط داده. خوندن کتاب برای شناخت خودمون و رفتار هامون و شناخت اطرافیان مفیده.
March 24, 2022
Thought provoking. Makes you want to go back and do it all again, but better! Brings deep understanding and forgiveness to self and others. A book you could read over and over again.
July 12, 2021
A must-read.
September 25, 2021
"Nevertheless, in the course of being loved, we got an encyclopaedic emotional education"
An insightful, short read, particularly useful as we as adults attempt to grapple with the complexity of growing up and navigating relationships with others and ourselves. A true pillar in emotional maturity is our ability to think dialectically, to reflect on our upbringings by our parents and come to accept their shortfalls, one that stemmed not from a place of ill will, but often in lacking better knowledge or simply unprocessed emotions on their end. At times, the book did come off a bit like reading case studies and lists but nonetheless provides beneficial pointers into insightful self-reflection and introspection, as we journey to be seen and understood.
An insightful, short read, particularly useful as we as adults attempt to grapple with the complexity of growing up and navigating relationships with others and ourselves. A true pillar in emotional maturity is our ability to think dialectically, to reflect on our upbringings by our parents and come to accept their shortfalls, one that stemmed not from a place of ill will, but often in lacking better knowledge or simply unprocessed emotions on their end. At times, the book did come off a bit like reading case studies and lists but nonetheless provides beneficial pointers into insightful self-reflection and introspection, as we journey to be seen and understood.
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August 19, 2021.این اولین و شاید یکی از کوتاه ترین ریویو هایی باشه که برای یه کتاب مینویسم.
این کتاب تاریخ مشترک و فراموش شده ی اکثر ماست. تاریخی وگذشته ای که مرورش بر هرکسی واجبه. به احتمال زیاد با اشک، آه وحسرت صفحات کتاب یکی پس از دیگری ورق بخوره و در نهایت منجر به شروع روان درمانی و یا مصمم تر شدن برای ادامه ادامه دادنش بشه. البته اگرم نشه چیزی عوض .نخواهد شد. چون همون چند ساعت کوتاه، همون دلسوزی های لحظه ای حین مرورخاطرات کودکیمون میتونه در حد خودش شفا بخش و خاص باشه
این کتاب تاریخ مشترک و فراموش شده ی اکثر ماست. تاریخی وگذشته ای که مرورش بر هرکسی واجبه. به احتمال زیاد با اشک، آه وحسرت صفحات کتاب یکی پس از دیگری ورق بخوره و در نهایت منجر به شروع روان درمانی و یا مصمم تر شدن برای ادامه ادامه دادنش بشه. البته اگرم نشه چیزی عوض .نخواهد شد. چون همون چند ساعت کوتاه، همون دلسوزی های لحظه ای حین مرورخاطرات کودکیمون میتونه در حد خودش شفا بخش و خاص باشه
August 4, 2022
یکی از بهترین کتابهای مدرسهی زندگی.
March 11, 2024
The book ends in saying that we are destined to live bittersweet lives and I think that is very true.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 14, 2021
I was waiting to get my hands on this title from The School of Life for quite some time and it exceeded my expectations.
The science behind our adult behaviour rooted in the childhood is described comprehensibly, in an intriguing way and writing also promotes ways how to deal with trauma and emotions that we maybe don't even realise originate in our early age. Remarkable theories on privilege as emotional phenomena, concept of true and fake selves and many more.
Well explained, not too long.
The science behind our adult behaviour rooted in the childhood is described comprehensibly, in an intriguing way and writing also promotes ways how to deal with trauma and emotions that we maybe don't even realise originate in our early age. Remarkable theories on privilege as emotional phenomena, concept of true and fake selves and many more.
Well explained, not too long.
April 26, 2024
Fékk hana sem “grín” gjöf - en samt ekki😅. Allavega ég ákvað að lesa hana enda bara stutt, hún kom alveg smá á óvart maður áttar sig soldið á hvað margar hugsanir manns koma bara frá einhverju síðan maður var krakki😮💨. Mæli allavega með ef maður vill fræðast um svona en nennir ekki löngu og stóru bókunum🫡.
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March 26, 2021I feel that I have to read this again 2021/03/25
January 10, 2024
A cheery one to start 2024. Not to say I’m overcoming a lot from my childhood, Claire is great, but always here for a school of life learning.
May 7, 2022
Well would you looksie here i just had 16 epiphanies in 2 hours and 118 short pages!!!!!
Very sweet and sort of hopeful and compellingly written
Very sweet and sort of hopeful and compellingly written
December 30, 2023
A quick read. Feels like holding up a mirror to oneself and seeing what reflects back. An inside look at how upbringing shapes the human psyche. Thoroughly interesting read. One to definitely keep returning to for reflection.
November 18, 2023
Another great book of the school of life. Just a quick reminder of our inner child's needs and experiences that are probably still influencing a lot of what we do in our lives. A reminder to be loving and compassionate with our selves, our parents and human beings in general
June 3, 2022
Published by The School of Life, an incredible community aiming to promote emotional intelligence among individuals, 'How to Overcome Your Childhood' explains in considerable detail and entertaining prose how our adult selves are influenced by our childhood experiences. Our childhood, unknown to many of us, plays an important role in shaping how we see the world, and more important, ourselves. For example, being an 'overachiever' may not be necessarily a good thing as it means unresolved childhood issues. The book also explains, as its name aptly says, how one can overcome ones childhood and gain a better understanding of it.
However, the book focuses almost exclusively on parenting and parents as key determinants of one's childhood conditions, completely ignoring other factors that may play an equally important role in one's childhood experiences. For example, it does not talk about how elder siblings, grandparents, etc. and even extended family can affect a child. One's neighbourhood and the choice of friends one has in childhood also impact the child considerably. Moreover, the child's experiences in school, with their teachers and peers, also continue to influence their world-view. However, these factors are almost entirely ignored and much focus is laid on parents and parenting. In my opinion, this is the key shortcoming this otherwise wonderful book suffer from.
However, the book focuses almost exclusively on parenting and parents as key determinants of one's childhood conditions, completely ignoring other factors that may play an equally important role in one's childhood experiences. For example, it does not talk about how elder siblings, grandparents, etc. and even extended family can affect a child. One's neighbourhood and the choice of friends one has in childhood also impact the child considerably. Moreover, the child's experiences in school, with their teachers and peers, also continue to influence their world-view. However, these factors are almost entirely ignored and much focus is laid on parents and parenting. In my opinion, this is the key shortcoming this otherwise wonderful book suffer from.
August 7, 2021
This book was gifted to me by a close friend & at first I was a little thrown off by the title. But the title actually doesn’t reflect everything in the book in my opinion. There’s a wide variety of topics discussed in the book & sooo much knowledge in this small book.
It definitely stands out from a lot of other self help books that all have the same underlying tone. I really enjoyed it. I had to take breaks while reading it, because some chapters were a lot to digest, and other chapters brought up some heavy feelings in me. But honestly, best book I’ve ever been gifted so far.
So much to learn, so much knowledge from one tiny book.
10/10 recommend. 🤍
It definitely stands out from a lot of other self help books that all have the same underlying tone. I really enjoyed it. I had to take breaks while reading it, because some chapters were a lot to digest, and other chapters brought up some heavy feelings in me. But honestly, best book I’ve ever been gifted so far.
So much to learn, so much knowledge from one tiny book.
10/10 recommend. 🤍
May 12, 2021
Forget the past? Almost none of us actually do. This book gives concrete (and beautifully written) explanations of how our childhood continues to affect our relationships, thought patterns, and behaviors in adult life. While not as actionable as a workbook or journal, you'll come away with strategies for unpacking your traumas, as well as developing self-knowledge and emotional competence.
June 19, 2025
"Putting it bluntly we could say that the people-pleaser is a liar. It sounds brutal, but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons: not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others."
"One of the most surprising but powerful explanations for why we may, as adults, be in trouble mentally is that we were, in our earliest years, denied the opportunity to be fully ourselves. That is, we were not allowed to be wilful and difficult; we could not be as demanding, aggressive, intolerant and unrestrictedly selfish as we needed to be."
"The logic, at its simplest, goes like this: if we feel, deep down, like a piece of excrement whose very existence is unwanted, it then follows and seems entirely plausible that enemies should right now be plotting to destroy us, that the government might scrutinise us and put us in jail, that our partner might leave us and that we should be imminently about to be disgraced and mocked by strangers."
"Paranoia is, at heart, a symptom of a disgust at one’s own being – and the accompanying sense of dread is the presenting problem of shame. The difficulty is that most of us who hate ourselves are not at all aware of doing so. The feeling that we are a horrific person is merely a given, long past being worthy of notice. It is the default setting of our personality rather than a visible distortion that we are in a position to observe as it goes about ruining our life."
The section about forgiving your parents because they did the things they were required to do and therefore, you should feel grateful. Lol. A little too vague and obvious with its "ideas" of help.
"One of the most surprising but powerful explanations for why we may, as adults, be in trouble mentally is that we were, in our earliest years, denied the opportunity to be fully ourselves. That is, we were not allowed to be wilful and difficult; we could not be as demanding, aggressive, intolerant and unrestrictedly selfish as we needed to be."
"The logic, at its simplest, goes like this: if we feel, deep down, like a piece of excrement whose very existence is unwanted, it then follows and seems entirely plausible that enemies should right now be plotting to destroy us, that the government might scrutinise us and put us in jail, that our partner might leave us and that we should be imminently about to be disgraced and mocked by strangers."
"Paranoia is, at heart, a symptom of a disgust at one’s own being – and the accompanying sense of dread is the presenting problem of shame. The difficulty is that most of us who hate ourselves are not at all aware of doing so. The feeling that we are a horrific person is merely a given, long past being worthy of notice. It is the default setting of our personality rather than a visible distortion that we are in a position to observe as it goes about ruining our life."
The section about forgiving your parents because they did the things they were required to do and therefore, you should feel grateful. Lol. A little too vague and obvious with its "ideas" of help.
September 20, 2023
It think this is a great crash course for diving into understanding our nurturing and upbringing! Would definitely recommend this because it’s a short read while covering a wide scope. Enough to get one interested in self reflecting and to want to passive aggressively send it to your parents :)
August 24, 2020
As I was reading I have referred and referenced this book to at least 5 people. I found I would sit with, and reread chapters, as I wanted to properly digest rather than speed through without considering.
September 25, 2020
Another great little tome of wisdom from the School of Life team. Enjoyed especially the insight I gained about psychotherapy. Ironically a gift from my lovely, loving daughter!
October 18, 2020
A concise, eye opening and important short book on how our childhood experiences effect who we are today. After reading this short book, I feel I have gained a lot by being aware of these very significant and important learnings and teachings.
April 30, 2022
Prikrátke!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 198 reviews