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Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Revisited: Embracing Your Power in Marriage
Finding the Hero in Your Husband is an essential tool for understanding the
Christian concept of submission-a frequently misunderstood and often
contentious subject. Dr. Slattery combines Christian principles, her
professional expertise as a psychologist, and personal experience as a wife in
this indispensable book to help women improve their marriages.
When expectations of trust and intimacy go unfulfilled, a wife's anger and
fear can result in unhealthy domination and control. The power of a woman's
approval and perspective in a relationship cannot be underestimated; it must be
directed in ways that promote intimacy instead of destroying it. Dr. Slattery
advocates that the key to a successful Christian marriage is a wife's ability
to encourage her husband to develop his leadership role in the marriage and her ability to avoid boredom in the
bedroom. (The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that 43
percent of women and 31 percent of men are sexually dysfunctional.)
In Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Dr. Slattery uses illustrative case
studies and scriptural guidelines to answer many essential questions and explain
difficult and sometimes unpopular but relevant concepts to help Christian women
improve their relationships. Each chapter concludes with questions for
reflection and discussion, making it ideal for both individual reading and group study.
283 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2010
298 people are currently reading
1641 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 145 reviews
August 15, 2021
My expectations for this book were reasonably high. Juli Slattery holds a doctorate in psychology and has many years of experience as a counselor. In addition to that, I liked her book "Sex and the Single Girl". Also, this book is a revised and updated version of the 1997 publication.
I was also excited to apply the Scorecard of The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended to rate the sexuality teachings in this book.
However, this book did not only deliver a huge disappointment, it is also pretty toxic. But let's start with a few positive points and then see how they fit in with the message as a whole.
Unlike many other conservative Christian marriage books, this book did a few things right in the sexuality chapters. Graded according to the Scorecard developed by Gregoire, Lindenbach and Sawatsky (2021), it reaches 28/48 points, which gives it a "yellow" rating. This means that it does not teach outright harmful things, but also not actively promotes healthy teachings about sexuality.
Let's talk a bit more about the details. The book explains how sex is more than just physical and that both men and women need intimacy. It mentions women's pleasure and that women can get orgasms as well. At no point is a woman blamed for her husband having an affair or watching porn, nor is sex recommended as prevention and remedy for porn use and affairs. Even low libido husbands and high libido wives are mentioned.
However, it does not give advice on how women can experience pleasurable sex. Male and female sexuality are still painted as very different, with men being visual and women mainly wanting sex as a part of love. It does not explicitly mention how wives can communicate with their husbands about their sexual wants and needs. When we look at the general guidelines for communication that the rest of the book gives, we can assume these apply here as well. And this is where the problems start.
For Slattery, every marriage is a struggle for power. The wife and husband are in a competition, seeking to dominate each other (76), until the wife finds her unique and very special power in being a submitted helpmeet that influences her husband to become her hero. Whether a husband becomes a hero or not depends not on his actions, but on the support and influence of his wife.
"“Your power [as a wife] is a dynamic tool that can be either used to build intimacy or to sabotage it." (xiii)
“A woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams.” (7)
She says that men and women have different core needs in marriage. Men want to be respected, helped and have a fun sexual companion. Women want to be valued and protected. Protection she explains as follows:
"“In order for intimacy to occur in marriage, a woman must be absolutely certain that her husband’s strength will be used to protect rather than to harm.” (44)
So apparently, a woman's most important need in a marriage is to not be r*ped or beaten, while a man gets a sexy cheerleader. Many parts of her book could also have been copied from Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. In fact, she later introduces the "cycle of intimacy" and the "cycle of self-protection".
Respect is very important for her. I mean, that men get respect. She takes "not letting a woman teach a man" to extremes. In fact, a woman, according to her, is not allowed to show her husband how to use household appliances or offer advice in general - she should encourage her husband to seek a male mentor, for example during 'manly' activities such as "deer hunting". And mothers who tell their sons what to do are "suppressing masculinity" (93).
A wife whose husband has a temper problem and yells at the kids is supposed to wait until he is open to hearing her input and then suggest they have a parenting problem and should visit a parenting class together to learn, instead of letting him know that his anger management does not work and he needs to seek therapy for it. (56/70)
The wife whose husband has become neglectful and emotionally distant saves her marriage by sending him flirty texts and being available sexually to make him feel "loved and respected" (52/53).
Though the book acknowledges female breadwinners, they get treated terribly. The woman who works full time because her husband can't keep a job is told to reduce her hours to not make him feel threatened by her power (227). The one who works fulltime to finance her husband's studies, while he does not take them seriously, plays video games for many hours and won't even do the most basic chores is told that she is pressuring him and complaining too much. She needs to "humble herself" (110).
This is not the only occasion where wives who want to confront their husbands about a problem are called to "address the plank in our own eyes" and consider if this is really worth addressing (86).
Abuse and separation are only lightly touched upon. Divorce is never presented as an option ever. And only "extreme examples of abuse [...] require separation" (205). She suggests "God bring [s] healing even to the most broken marriages" (51). She also thinks that "[c]ontrolling and manipulative strategies" "may, at some level, qualify as 'emotional abuse'" (89), thus implying some level of control and manipulation is fine and not abusive. Even "domestic violence" only requires a separation, but not necessarily a divorce (89).
I could add many more examples and outlandish claims. However, I have decided to leave it at that. I would consider this book so harmful that I would not even recommend this for healthy marriages. For abusive marriages, this book is absolute poison, gaslighting and making light of abuse, encouraging wives to stay and blame themselves. Despite the author's degree, the contents have no backing whatsoever in modern psychology.
Disclaimer: I received a free advance copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. And woah, honest it was.
I was also excited to apply the Scorecard of The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended to rate the sexuality teachings in this book.
However, this book did not only deliver a huge disappointment, it is also pretty toxic. But let's start with a few positive points and then see how they fit in with the message as a whole.
Unlike many other conservative Christian marriage books, this book did a few things right in the sexuality chapters. Graded according to the Scorecard developed by Gregoire, Lindenbach and Sawatsky (2021), it reaches 28/48 points, which gives it a "yellow" rating. This means that it does not teach outright harmful things, but also not actively promotes healthy teachings about sexuality.
Let's talk a bit more about the details. The book explains how sex is more than just physical and that both men and women need intimacy. It mentions women's pleasure and that women can get orgasms as well. At no point is a woman blamed for her husband having an affair or watching porn, nor is sex recommended as prevention and remedy for porn use and affairs. Even low libido husbands and high libido wives are mentioned.
However, it does not give advice on how women can experience pleasurable sex. Male and female sexuality are still painted as very different, with men being visual and women mainly wanting sex as a part of love. It does not explicitly mention how wives can communicate with their husbands about their sexual wants and needs. When we look at the general guidelines for communication that the rest of the book gives, we can assume these apply here as well. And this is where the problems start.
For Slattery, every marriage is a struggle for power. The wife and husband are in a competition, seeking to dominate each other (76), until the wife finds her unique and very special power in being a submitted helpmeet that influences her husband to become her hero. Whether a husband becomes a hero or not depends not on his actions, but on the support and influence of his wife.
"“Your power [as a wife] is a dynamic tool that can be either used to build intimacy or to sabotage it." (xiii)
“A woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams.” (7)
She says that men and women have different core needs in marriage. Men want to be respected, helped and have a fun sexual companion. Women want to be valued and protected. Protection she explains as follows:
"“In order for intimacy to occur in marriage, a woman must be absolutely certain that her husband’s strength will be used to protect rather than to harm.” (44)
So apparently, a woman's most important need in a marriage is to not be r*ped or beaten, while a man gets a sexy cheerleader. Many parts of her book could also have been copied from Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. In fact, she later introduces the "cycle of intimacy" and the "cycle of self-protection".
Respect is very important for her. I mean, that men get respect. She takes "not letting a woman teach a man" to extremes. In fact, a woman, according to her, is not allowed to show her husband how to use household appliances or offer advice in general - she should encourage her husband to seek a male mentor, for example during 'manly' activities such as "deer hunting". And mothers who tell their sons what to do are "suppressing masculinity" (93).
A wife whose husband has a temper problem and yells at the kids is supposed to wait until he is open to hearing her input and then suggest they have a parenting problem and should visit a parenting class together to learn, instead of letting him know that his anger management does not work and he needs to seek therapy for it. (56/70)
The wife whose husband has become neglectful and emotionally distant saves her marriage by sending him flirty texts and being available sexually to make him feel "loved and respected" (52/53).
Though the book acknowledges female breadwinners, they get treated terribly. The woman who works full time because her husband can't keep a job is told to reduce her hours to not make him feel threatened by her power (227). The one who works fulltime to finance her husband's studies, while he does not take them seriously, plays video games for many hours and won't even do the most basic chores is told that she is pressuring him and complaining too much. She needs to "humble herself" (110).
This is not the only occasion where wives who want to confront their husbands about a problem are called to "address the plank in our own eyes" and consider if this is really worth addressing (86).
Abuse and separation are only lightly touched upon. Divorce is never presented as an option ever. And only "extreme examples of abuse [...] require separation" (205). She suggests "God bring [s] healing even to the most broken marriages" (51). She also thinks that "[c]ontrolling and manipulative strategies" "may, at some level, qualify as 'emotional abuse'" (89), thus implying some level of control and manipulation is fine and not abusive. Even "domestic violence" only requires a separation, but not necessarily a divorce (89).
I could add many more examples and outlandish claims. However, I have decided to leave it at that. I would consider this book so harmful that I would not even recommend this for healthy marriages. For abusive marriages, this book is absolute poison, gaslighting and making light of abuse, encouraging wives to stay and blame themselves. Despite the author's degree, the contents have no backing whatsoever in modern psychology.
Disclaimer: I received a free advance copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. And woah, honest it was.
October 5, 2021
This book is all about how to use your power and influence in your marriage to build your husband up, not beat him up (even unintentionally). She discusses how men work, what they need, and how they differ from us ladies. This helps us know how to love, serve, and encourage them the best!
I love that she uses Bible texts throughout the book to not only explain God’s big picture design for marriage but also how we navigate the specific day to day issues of communication, intimacy (inside and outside the bedroom), conflict, past experiences, etc.
Slattery does a good job of being very specific about what the Bible teaches. She’s done her homework to make sure what she’s teaching aligns with God’s word - which makes what she has to say all the more powerful because it is timeless wisdom from the God who made us, loves us, and designed marriage.
Slattery shows how our femininity is a strength and an asset to our marriage and that strong men have their leadership made better by supportive, strong, respectful, loving wives. She anticipates readers’ potential questions and answers them carefully and thoroughly.
I hope this doesn’t come out badly, but I don’t often enjoy Christian nonfiction written by women especially about “women’s issues” - but I truly enjoyed this book and recommend it to any wife no matter how long you’ve been married.
Thank you to @netgalley for the eARC!
I love that she uses Bible texts throughout the book to not only explain God’s big picture design for marriage but also how we navigate the specific day to day issues of communication, intimacy (inside and outside the bedroom), conflict, past experiences, etc.
Slattery does a good job of being very specific about what the Bible teaches. She’s done her homework to make sure what she’s teaching aligns with God’s word - which makes what she has to say all the more powerful because it is timeless wisdom from the God who made us, loves us, and designed marriage.
Slattery shows how our femininity is a strength and an asset to our marriage and that strong men have their leadership made better by supportive, strong, respectful, loving wives. She anticipates readers’ potential questions and answers them carefully and thoroughly.
I hope this doesn’t come out badly, but I don’t often enjoy Christian nonfiction written by women especially about “women’s issues” - but I truly enjoyed this book and recommend it to any wife no matter how long you’ve been married.
Thank you to @netgalley for the eARC!
August 30, 2021
Warning: One negative review seriously misapplies out-of-context quotes from story examples in this book. You can read my response to the misapplications in the comment I added below this review (you may need to be signed in to read it).
I appreciate that this book addresses struggles in relationships and marriage right from the first page. As a Christian psychologist Dr. Juli shares examples of her clinical experience with women who expressed regret for getting married, and she openly acknowledges frustrations and crushed expectations in marriage. However, she also invites women into realistic hope--not by controlling or fixing a situation or person outside of themselves, but by showing the power of their own personal choices in a marriage, and by relying on God as the real Hero of our lives. Juli compassionately acknowledges hardships and shares "God has never wasted a moment of pain in my life." This book is for the starry-eyed newly wed, for the get-me-through-the-day mom, for the hurting lonely wife, and for the woman who is actively seeking new ways to encourage her husband.
My favorite chapters were in the second half, starting with chapter 6: "A Wife's Greatest Dilemma." These chapters share years of insight and practical wisdom that I can apply directly to my own marriage and life.
I encourage you to keep an open mind as you read this book. Be warned that some reviews have pulled out individual quotes without the context of the rest of the book. Some real-life examples or types of marriages or husbands may not apply to you (the further you read the more variety of stories you will find). Some perspectives you may disagree with. But suspend your critique and hold onto the underlying truths and principles that Juli brings to light. Also, check out her podcast -- it's my favorite!
I appreciate that this book addresses struggles in relationships and marriage right from the first page. As a Christian psychologist Dr. Juli shares examples of her clinical experience with women who expressed regret for getting married, and she openly acknowledges frustrations and crushed expectations in marriage. However, she also invites women into realistic hope--not by controlling or fixing a situation or person outside of themselves, but by showing the power of their own personal choices in a marriage, and by relying on God as the real Hero of our lives. Juli compassionately acknowledges hardships and shares "God has never wasted a moment of pain in my life." This book is for the starry-eyed newly wed, for the get-me-through-the-day mom, for the hurting lonely wife, and for the woman who is actively seeking new ways to encourage her husband.
My favorite chapters were in the second half, starting with chapter 6: "A Wife's Greatest Dilemma." These chapters share years of insight and practical wisdom that I can apply directly to my own marriage and life.
I encourage you to keep an open mind as you read this book. Be warned that some reviews have pulled out individual quotes without the context of the rest of the book. Some real-life examples or types of marriages or husbands may not apply to you (the further you read the more variety of stories you will find). Some perspectives you may disagree with. But suspend your critique and hold onto the underlying truths and principles that Juli brings to light. Also, check out her podcast -- it's my favorite!
July 16, 2021
Thank you to Health Communication Inc and NetGalley for allowing me to read this book. My thoughts are my own.
As a word of introduction, I first heard Dr. Slattery on a radio broadcast. Since then, I've listened to her podcast and read several of her books.
In fact, I jumped at the chance to read Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Revisited. Hers is a voice of Biblical reason in an ever-changing culture.
While reading, I remembered who I was as a young bride. In fact, I recalled the good and the bad of those early years. Looking back, I hope I have grown since then!
That's not to say I didn't get anything out of reading it as a wife of 18 years. Rather, I highlighted substantially, knowing that I am always learning. I read areas that convicted me of attitudes that need to change.
This book touches specifically on all aspects of marriage. Topics include communication, physical intimacy, submission and boundaries. Again, she even discusses difficult subjects, and as a result touches on abuse and addiction.
After reading this book, I recommend that every wife read it. No matter what stage she is in. It would be the perfect gift for a bridal shower. Additionally, this would be a great book to read in a small group or counseling setting.
Why You Should Read This Book
After five years of marriage, Dr. Slattery decided to write the first version of Finding the Hero in Your Husband. Imagine that! I don't think I was anywhere near ready to write a book on marriage 13 years ago. Even today, I still don't think I could!
In contrast, Dr. Slattery took the challenge.
Now, after 20 years, she has returned, with an extensive rewrite that incorporates her life experience as a wife, as well as a seasoned counselor. To me, this represents the best of both worlds. First, we can see Dr. Slattery as a young bride, encouraging wives to celebrate their husbands' qualities as a younger woman. We can also see Dr. Slattery's added wisdom from her years as a wife and a wise counselor.
To me, this is the biggest reason this book differs from other marriage resources. Additionally, like I said before, Dr. Slattery's message has been constant. She stands firm on her Biblical values. She uses the scriptures throughout the book, pointing us back to God's word.
As a word of introduction, I first heard Dr. Slattery on a radio broadcast. Since then, I've listened to her podcast and read several of her books.
In fact, I jumped at the chance to read Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Revisited. Hers is a voice of Biblical reason in an ever-changing culture.
While reading, I remembered who I was as a young bride. In fact, I recalled the good and the bad of those early years. Looking back, I hope I have grown since then!
That's not to say I didn't get anything out of reading it as a wife of 18 years. Rather, I highlighted substantially, knowing that I am always learning. I read areas that convicted me of attitudes that need to change.
This book touches specifically on all aspects of marriage. Topics include communication, physical intimacy, submission and boundaries. Again, she even discusses difficult subjects, and as a result touches on abuse and addiction.
After reading this book, I recommend that every wife read it. No matter what stage she is in. It would be the perfect gift for a bridal shower. Additionally, this would be a great book to read in a small group or counseling setting.
Why You Should Read This Book
After five years of marriage, Dr. Slattery decided to write the first version of Finding the Hero in Your Husband. Imagine that! I don't think I was anywhere near ready to write a book on marriage 13 years ago. Even today, I still don't think I could!
In contrast, Dr. Slattery took the challenge.
Now, after 20 years, she has returned, with an extensive rewrite that incorporates her life experience as a wife, as well as a seasoned counselor. To me, this represents the best of both worlds. First, we can see Dr. Slattery as a young bride, encouraging wives to celebrate their husbands' qualities as a younger woman. We can also see Dr. Slattery's added wisdom from her years as a wife and a wise counselor.
To me, this is the biggest reason this book differs from other marriage resources. Additionally, like I said before, Dr. Slattery's message has been constant. She stands firm on her Biblical values. She uses the scriptures throughout the book, pointing us back to God's word.
August 14, 2021
I've read many marriage books written from the Christian perspective, and most range from shallow and unhelpful to theologically suspect or outright harmful. I grew up in a home with spousal and child abuse, and I experienced the harm that comes from that kind of teaching being used to pressure women into staying in unsafe marriages. In Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Dr. Slattery makes no allowances for abuse and pointedly denounces the misuse of Scripture to enable abusive behavior toward women and children. She does a wonderful job of blending clinical psychology and sound biblical teaching to provide wisdom and guidance for women in safe marriages. She employs higher level theological and psychological concepts while also offering practical tools, all with the aim of helping wives understand their God-given role and influence.
August 10, 2021
Thank you NetGalley and HCI Books for the gifted book!
Title: Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Revisited
Author: Dr. Juli Slattery
Genre: Christian Living/Marriage
Synopsis: “Do you know that you have a lot of power in your marriage? Your power is a dynamic tool that can be used either to build intimacy or sabotage it.” While the title talks about finding the hero in your husband, really this book is all about your role as a wife and using that role in a godly way. It covers a variety of topics including different marriage roles, intimacy, career, and family life just to name a few. Dr. Juli Slattery brings married women solid, Biblical truth in her book, Finding the Hero in Your Husband.
Analysis: If you’re looking for a small handbook on marriage, this book is an excellent place to start! Reading through it I felt like I was sitting down with Dr. Juli Slattery and having a cup of coffee. Yes, she’s professional, but she’s easy to listen to and kind. She gives excellent biblical advice in a practical manner. And to be really transparent, I felt like she was speaking directly to me in every chapter! As someone still young in my married life, this book gave me tons of tools and tips to work on to improve my role as a wife and my relationship with my husband. I’d highly recommend this one for all wives seeking a godly marriage!
Star Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Title: Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Revisited
Author: Dr. Juli Slattery
Genre: Christian Living/Marriage
Synopsis: “Do you know that you have a lot of power in your marriage? Your power is a dynamic tool that can be used either to build intimacy or sabotage it.” While the title talks about finding the hero in your husband, really this book is all about your role as a wife and using that role in a godly way. It covers a variety of topics including different marriage roles, intimacy, career, and family life just to name a few. Dr. Juli Slattery brings married women solid, Biblical truth in her book, Finding the Hero in Your Husband.
Analysis: If you’re looking for a small handbook on marriage, this book is an excellent place to start! Reading through it I felt like I was sitting down with Dr. Juli Slattery and having a cup of coffee. Yes, she’s professional, but she’s easy to listen to and kind. She gives excellent biblical advice in a practical manner. And to be really transparent, I felt like she was speaking directly to me in every chapter! As someone still young in my married life, this book gave me tons of tools and tips to work on to improve my role as a wife and my relationship with my husband. I’d highly recommend this one for all wives seeking a godly marriage!
Star Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
January 17, 2017
My pastor always says that we need to read with discernment. Eat the meat and throw away the bones. Well, I have to admit, there isn't a lot of meat in this book. There is quite a lot of pop psychology and not a lot of Biblical foundation. In fact, Scripture is not a foundation for this book.
Would I recommend it. Nope! Believer or not, this book is filled with things that will just not help a marriage to grow and flourish. God designed marriage and His ways are truly the best to follow, not the latest and greatest worldly wisdom.
Sorry ladies.
Would I recommend it. Nope! Believer or not, this book is filled with things that will just not help a marriage to grow and flourish. God designed marriage and His ways are truly the best to follow, not the latest and greatest worldly wisdom.
Sorry ladies.
March 29, 2022
Finding the Hero in Your Husband is a great book! I definitely recommend. I had never heard of Dr. Slattery prior to reading this book, but now I certainly intend to listen to her podcast and read some of her other books.
This book is written for Christian women seeking to better understand their role as wives, their husband's psyche, what they can do to improve their marriage, and how to glorify the Lord by keeping in mind Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands."
I was reminded of a lot of things and learned some new things. I think it's easy to criticize a book like this and say it was overwritten, but I think the truer description would be that the author is casting a wide net to many different women in different types of marriages. If you are in any way curious as to how God can use you in your marriage, I think you would like this book. It was validating, encouraging, convicting and inspiring ❤
This book is written for Christian women seeking to better understand their role as wives, their husband's psyche, what they can do to improve their marriage, and how to glorify the Lord by keeping in mind Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands."
I was reminded of a lot of things and learned some new things. I think it's easy to criticize a book like this and say it was overwritten, but I think the truer description would be that the author is casting a wide net to many different women in different types of marriages. If you are in any way curious as to how God can use you in your marriage, I think you would like this book. It was validating, encouraging, convicting and inspiring ❤
September 13, 2025
This book is PHENOMENAL. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist who does an outstanding job of putting psychology in its proper place, both using it as a common grace from God, while holding it under the authority of the Word of God. As she said herself: psychology can help you to understand things about yourself, but it cannot solve your problems or save you. Her expertise in both psychology and biblical wisdom shine through - this book is thoroughly biblical and thoroughly practical.
The chapters on submission are the best I’ve read on the topic. She differentiates between:
- enabling a husband, which can look like submission but is weak, unbiblical, and fear-driven,
- dominating a husband, which is also unbiblical and fear-driven, and
- empowering a husband, which is what we are to work to do!
Excellent, excellent, excellent book.
“The secret to intimacy is not finding a hero TO BE your husband but to find the hero IN your husband”
The chapters on submission are the best I’ve read on the topic. She differentiates between:
- enabling a husband, which can look like submission but is weak, unbiblical, and fear-driven,
- dominating a husband, which is also unbiblical and fear-driven, and
- empowering a husband, which is what we are to work to do!
Excellent, excellent, excellent book.
“The secret to intimacy is not finding a hero TO BE your husband but to find the hero IN your husband”
October 30, 2011
While there's nothing completely revolutionary in this book, it's so well structured and put together with all the helpful advice that we, as wives, can so often choose to ignore. Each chapter was a manageable step towards opening communication and creating intimacy with my husband. Above everything it helped to remind me that I always have the strength to be encouraging in my marriage because my strength and value comes from Christ, and not my husband. That's a very easy thing to forget and it can be debilitating.
I would recommend this book to all wives, old or new. It's filled with so much practical advice and spiritual encouragement. It's a great book to read with a friend so you can encourage each other and keep each other accountable.
I would recommend this book to all wives, old or new. It's filled with so much practical advice and spiritual encouragement. It's a great book to read with a friend so you can encourage each other and keep each other accountable.
September 9, 2024
I found this relationship book rather depressing and discouraging. I thought it would be a book about finding and appreciating the hero qualities in my husband. Instead, it’s about dragging out the hero qualities in my husband using conventional relationship advice (like active listening) cloaked in Bible verses and bad theology.
THE GOOD
She does say you can only change yourself. Yes, you can’t actually change your spouse. The only real control is self-control. She also reminds you that difficulties and low points in a marriage are normal. She does acknowledge that our husbands want us to be happy (very true!), and that our husbands need respect and for us to not control them (but a lot of her advice is still just veiled control). She also says we should express gratitude to our husbands.
THE BAD
Juli keeps reminding the reader that difficulties and low points in marriages are not only normal, but good. I mean, yes, you can emerge better on the other side of marital problems, but she almost paints it in a way that makes it sound like you shouldn’t try to prevent conflict because “healthy conflict” (a phrase that I hate that she uses over and over) improves a marriage. (You know, I bet we can improve the marriage without conflict in the first place if we just started with some better marriage skills. Read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle instead of this book.)
Juli says our husbands need respect (words, tone, and letting go of control & criticism), help, and sexual joining. I take issue with our husbands needing help. Not that they don’t need and receive help from us all the time, especially if we stay at home and run the household while he’s at work. But Juli frames help as bigger than this, such that help is really “healthy accountability” that doesn’t veer into nagging. Good luck with that, because healthy accountability really just sounds like code for reminding him about stuff… aka nagging. She admits that there is tension between help and respect, and the trick is to “build a bridge of trust,” which she doesn’t really elaborate on. And in this sexual joining section, did you really have to mention that your friend jokingly calls a penis “a glorified water pistol,” Juli? That’s just poor taste to throw in there.
This book is written for women, but says that husband and wife both have to put in the work. So what book is he supposed to read? And what if he doesn’t put in the work? Is all lost? Is the marriage over? Pretty much, Juli says. “There are some marriages that are just stuck.” How sad! And as an example, if one of you is a saver and one a spender “you're destined to have conflict over money issues for your entire marriage” – so give up now? But still, even with this dismal advice, women are told to put aside their needs and pour everything into their husbands (at least temporarily) using Juli’s advice to try to and fix the marriage. Yes, because a wife burning out while trying to love and serve her husband perfectly sounds like great advice. :/ “Being a faithful wife and having a great marriage don't always go together.” Again, discouraging. She encourages you to just trust God with your happiness if your marriage sucks... so then what's the point of getting married, Juli? For suffering that leads to sanctification? That's it?
A lot of Juli’s advice to “fix” a marriage involve what you are doing already, just with better timing. You can submit and still question his choices, she says. You can give unsolicited opinions (as if he’s an incapable moron) and veiled criticism (“I know you easily get frustrated and angry…”), but if you’d only wait until he’s in a good mood instead of during a heated argument (so you can ruin his good mood later?). And if he’s dismissive about what you’ve brought up before, just try again. Nagging totally works, apparently. :/
“Every marriage begins with the husband and wife jockeying for control.” First, not sure that’s true. Second, it shouldn’t be true because if we take the Biblical view, then the husband is the head so there’s shouldn’t be any jockeying for wearing the pants in the relationship. But she insists that women NEED to jockey for control because that’s how you learn and grow. She tells the story of a woman who constantly yielded to her husband, and therefore she didn’t use her power “to equip and challenge him.” What sort of garbage idea is this? I’m supposed to equip my husband? I’m supposed to challenge him? I’m his wife, not his life coach or personal Holy Spirit. Juli concedes that it seems “easier to go with the flow than have a tense conversation,” but that’s a false dichotomy. How about you just have a conversation where you express your desires in a way that inspires? But apparently tense conversations are good, she says. Tension is good. Conflict is good. In fact, “Do you love your husband enough to wound him?” No. Actually, I love my husband enough to figure out how to be in relationship with him without wounding him on purpose.
THE UGLY
After reading this book, I really just don’t trust anything she says about relationships, despite her psychology and Christian sex therapist credentials. First, she admits that she and her husband have been to marriage counseling “during many different seasons.” So, you still don’t know how to have a good marriage on your own? You actually don’t have helpful tips to share? People would still have to go to counseling?
Second, Juli seems to have a low view of sex. She concedes that in the beginning she could have done without sex because she had pain during sex on her honeymoon. But the years of struggle afterwards obviously colored her view because she says, “An engaged couple asked me, ‘What should we expect our sex life to look like?’ The first words out of my mouth were, ‘You should expect that you will run into some challenges.’” Why would you lead with that?!? She also says, “Your marriage is not dependent on a great sex life.” I mean, I guess so, but that statement makes it sound like maybe you shouldn’t bother because your marriage can be great without it… it CAN be, but it will be a lot easier to have good marriage that is also good in the bedroom.
Third, Juli has a low view of men. In one story Juli seems to encourage divorce because she thinks a particular husband will never want intimacy/closeness. That’s a reason for divorce? Not something to patiently work through with this man? She also says, “Most men enter into marriage feeling ill-equipped to face the challenges of intimacy, spiritual leadership, and providing for a family.” I’m not sure that’s the case, but they probably feel that way after marriage when their wives start acting disrespectful and controlling. Speaking of control, she concedes that “your control may be justified because you can find hundreds of ways that you are smarter and better and more mature than your husband.” Wow. Way to find the hero in your husband there by agreeing his headship deserves subverting because he’s a worse human being, comparatively speaking. Juli also tells a story about a couple who over time had happened to fall into the pattern of the wife working and the husband jumping from job to job and finally being a stay and home dad. Eventually, she resented him, and he felt like he wasn’t respected (yeah, your wife resenting you will do that). Juli’s solution? The wife should “cut back on her hours to force a healthier balance of responsibility.” So, control and manipulate him? Got it. :/
AND BAD THEOLOGY
“God wants to marry us” – apparently this is a 5-word summary of the Bible from another author, but that Juli agrees with.
“You were meant to be married to Jesus” – uh, no. In covenant with him, yes. Married, no. Is my husband also supposed to be married to Jesus? The analogy is that the Church is Christ’s bride, not individuals in the church.
“Adams passivity was as great a problem as Eve's infamous bite” What??? And apparently the power struggle between men and women is from the beginning of time as enshrined in the Bible with Adam and Eve.
Juli says to fix her marriage she “Learned how to come to the Lord empty every day.” I really hate this idea. First of all, there’s no way to empty yourself. You can’t wipe your brain clean. But the good news is that God gave us a brain and expects us to use it to make good choices and to do his will. How about instead of emptying ourselves, we fill ourselves with prayer and the Word every day?
THE GOOD
She does say you can only change yourself. Yes, you can’t actually change your spouse. The only real control is self-control. She also reminds you that difficulties and low points in a marriage are normal. She does acknowledge that our husbands want us to be happy (very true!), and that our husbands need respect and for us to not control them (but a lot of her advice is still just veiled control). She also says we should express gratitude to our husbands.
THE BAD
Juli keeps reminding the reader that difficulties and low points in marriages are not only normal, but good. I mean, yes, you can emerge better on the other side of marital problems, but she almost paints it in a way that makes it sound like you shouldn’t try to prevent conflict because “healthy conflict” (a phrase that I hate that she uses over and over) improves a marriage. (You know, I bet we can improve the marriage without conflict in the first place if we just started with some better marriage skills. Read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle instead of this book.)
Juli says our husbands need respect (words, tone, and letting go of control & criticism), help, and sexual joining. I take issue with our husbands needing help. Not that they don’t need and receive help from us all the time, especially if we stay at home and run the household while he’s at work. But Juli frames help as bigger than this, such that help is really “healthy accountability” that doesn’t veer into nagging. Good luck with that, because healthy accountability really just sounds like code for reminding him about stuff… aka nagging. She admits that there is tension between help and respect, and the trick is to “build a bridge of trust,” which she doesn’t really elaborate on. And in this sexual joining section, did you really have to mention that your friend jokingly calls a penis “a glorified water pistol,” Juli? That’s just poor taste to throw in there.
This book is written for women, but says that husband and wife both have to put in the work. So what book is he supposed to read? And what if he doesn’t put in the work? Is all lost? Is the marriage over? Pretty much, Juli says. “There are some marriages that are just stuck.” How sad! And as an example, if one of you is a saver and one a spender “you're destined to have conflict over money issues for your entire marriage” – so give up now? But still, even with this dismal advice, women are told to put aside their needs and pour everything into their husbands (at least temporarily) using Juli’s advice to try to and fix the marriage. Yes, because a wife burning out while trying to love and serve her husband perfectly sounds like great advice. :/ “Being a faithful wife and having a great marriage don't always go together.” Again, discouraging. She encourages you to just trust God with your happiness if your marriage sucks... so then what's the point of getting married, Juli? For suffering that leads to sanctification? That's it?
A lot of Juli’s advice to “fix” a marriage involve what you are doing already, just with better timing. You can submit and still question his choices, she says. You can give unsolicited opinions (as if he’s an incapable moron) and veiled criticism (“I know you easily get frustrated and angry…”), but if you’d only wait until he’s in a good mood instead of during a heated argument (so you can ruin his good mood later?). And if he’s dismissive about what you’ve brought up before, just try again. Nagging totally works, apparently. :/
“Every marriage begins with the husband and wife jockeying for control.” First, not sure that’s true. Second, it shouldn’t be true because if we take the Biblical view, then the husband is the head so there’s shouldn’t be any jockeying for wearing the pants in the relationship. But she insists that women NEED to jockey for control because that’s how you learn and grow. She tells the story of a woman who constantly yielded to her husband, and therefore she didn’t use her power “to equip and challenge him.” What sort of garbage idea is this? I’m supposed to equip my husband? I’m supposed to challenge him? I’m his wife, not his life coach or personal Holy Spirit. Juli concedes that it seems “easier to go with the flow than have a tense conversation,” but that’s a false dichotomy. How about you just have a conversation where you express your desires in a way that inspires? But apparently tense conversations are good, she says. Tension is good. Conflict is good. In fact, “Do you love your husband enough to wound him?” No. Actually, I love my husband enough to figure out how to be in relationship with him without wounding him on purpose.
THE UGLY
After reading this book, I really just don’t trust anything she says about relationships, despite her psychology and Christian sex therapist credentials. First, she admits that she and her husband have been to marriage counseling “during many different seasons.” So, you still don’t know how to have a good marriage on your own? You actually don’t have helpful tips to share? People would still have to go to counseling?
Second, Juli seems to have a low view of sex. She concedes that in the beginning she could have done without sex because she had pain during sex on her honeymoon. But the years of struggle afterwards obviously colored her view because she says, “An engaged couple asked me, ‘What should we expect our sex life to look like?’ The first words out of my mouth were, ‘You should expect that you will run into some challenges.’” Why would you lead with that?!? She also says, “Your marriage is not dependent on a great sex life.” I mean, I guess so, but that statement makes it sound like maybe you shouldn’t bother because your marriage can be great without it… it CAN be, but it will be a lot easier to have good marriage that is also good in the bedroom.
Third, Juli has a low view of men. In one story Juli seems to encourage divorce because she thinks a particular husband will never want intimacy/closeness. That’s a reason for divorce? Not something to patiently work through with this man? She also says, “Most men enter into marriage feeling ill-equipped to face the challenges of intimacy, spiritual leadership, and providing for a family.” I’m not sure that’s the case, but they probably feel that way after marriage when their wives start acting disrespectful and controlling. Speaking of control, she concedes that “your control may be justified because you can find hundreds of ways that you are smarter and better and more mature than your husband.” Wow. Way to find the hero in your husband there by agreeing his headship deserves subverting because he’s a worse human being, comparatively speaking. Juli also tells a story about a couple who over time had happened to fall into the pattern of the wife working and the husband jumping from job to job and finally being a stay and home dad. Eventually, she resented him, and he felt like he wasn’t respected (yeah, your wife resenting you will do that). Juli’s solution? The wife should “cut back on her hours to force a healthier balance of responsibility.” So, control and manipulate him? Got it. :/
AND BAD THEOLOGY
“God wants to marry us” – apparently this is a 5-word summary of the Bible from another author, but that Juli agrees with.
“You were meant to be married to Jesus” – uh, no. In covenant with him, yes. Married, no. Is my husband also supposed to be married to Jesus? The analogy is that the Church is Christ’s bride, not individuals in the church.
“Adams passivity was as great a problem as Eve's infamous bite” What??? And apparently the power struggle between men and women is from the beginning of time as enshrined in the Bible with Adam and Eve.
Juli says to fix her marriage she “Learned how to come to the Lord empty every day.” I really hate this idea. First of all, there’s no way to empty yourself. You can’t wipe your brain clean. But the good news is that God gave us a brain and expects us to use it to make good choices and to do his will. How about instead of emptying ourselves, we fill ourselves with prayer and the Word every day?
January 16, 2025
This was an excellent book. It got off track sometimes (in a good way), delving into general—often psychological—differences between men and women, which helped support the topics and messages of each chapter and the greater topic of the book. Rarely do I find cases of psychology in Christian books to be helpful, but Dr Slattery did justice to it.
That said, sometimes this book was missing the “umph” when discussing sin between spouses. There was a lot of, “we do this because we feel,” “we do this because in our childhood…” and I wanted to shout, “WE DO THIS BECAUSE ITS SIN!” I think the author *knows* this is the root issue of many of the problems discussed, but I wished at many points she would just lay it out on the table. For example, when talking about conflict, she kept emphasizing how it arises from our desires. I kept thinking, “if only a certain section of James perfectly described this…” (cough cough, it does… and was never mentioned).
Overall, it was wonderful. A particular highlight was the chapter on the different ways we demean our husbands, from nagging to even using humour. What a dagger! It opened my eyes to ways of sinning I never truly realized I had taken part in.
I believe this book is an essential read for any Christian woman who is—or ever will be—married.
That said, sometimes this book was missing the “umph” when discussing sin between spouses. There was a lot of, “we do this because we feel,” “we do this because in our childhood…” and I wanted to shout, “WE DO THIS BECAUSE ITS SIN!” I think the author *knows* this is the root issue of many of the problems discussed, but I wished at many points she would just lay it out on the table. For example, when talking about conflict, she kept emphasizing how it arises from our desires. I kept thinking, “if only a certain section of James perfectly described this…” (cough cough, it does… and was never mentioned).
Overall, it was wonderful. A particular highlight was the chapter on the different ways we demean our husbands, from nagging to even using humour. What a dagger! It opened my eyes to ways of sinning I never truly realized I had taken part in.
I believe this book is an essential read for any Christian woman who is—or ever will be—married.
March 13, 2025
This book is a treasure trove of biblical wisdom and practical insight for wives on the subject of marriage. Despite her obvious expertise and years of experience working with couples, Juli writes with the humble, genuine warmth of an invested friend. She peels back the layers of marriage and reveals how each bear the fingerprints of our Creator and how He uniquely designed us as well as our core need for an intimate relationship with Him. I have read many excellent Christian marriage books, but this one in particular carried with it the unique perspective of a writer who, as a Christian clinical psychologist and a devoted wife and mother, can truly understand and connect with her audience.
January 28, 2023
Best marriage book I have ever read.
September 19, 2022
I thought the message of this book was really beautiful and is so needed right now. I wish every wife who has been married for at least a few years could read this book! [Chapter 5 on submission was 🔥]
December 27, 2023
This is one of the most life changing books on marriage I have read. I wish I could go back three years and give my younger self this when I was newly married. I’m technically still a newly wed so I mean, at least I got to read it now ;)
I will say, this book tends to lean more toward a complementarian view so if you lean more egalitarian, you will probably disagree with a few of her points, specifically on the topic of submission. I personally find myself leaning more complementarian so it didn’t bother me, but figured it was worth mentioning.
This book challenged me in so many powerful ways and there are points I read that I still think about daily. It gave me a new perspective and respect for my husband. I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to any wife who wants to find the hero in her husband and be his number one fan! ♥️
I will say, this book tends to lean more toward a complementarian view so if you lean more egalitarian, you will probably disagree with a few of her points, specifically on the topic of submission. I personally find myself leaning more complementarian so it didn’t bother me, but figured it was worth mentioning.
This book challenged me in so many powerful ways and there are points I read that I still think about daily. It gave me a new perspective and respect for my husband. I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to any wife who wants to find the hero in her husband and be his number one fan! ♥️
August 4, 2024
idk if I just read this at the perfect time or what but I looovvved this book & couldn’t stop telling ppl about it/sharing what I was learning/referencing it & recommending it! maybe the best book on marriage I’ve read!!!
March 25, 2025
I really loved the perspective of this book. Marriage is a refining fire and God meant for it to be a way to become more like Him. I learned alot about how to be a better wife and support my husband, and learned to see my ability to do that as a sort of power. The only thing I don’t understand or agree with is the last chapter when she mentions that marriage is only temporary and will be over when we die and go live with God. I just can’t get behind that idea. Especially after feeling the importance of marriage throughout the whole book. I don’t think God would give us this gift that requires so much sacrifice and growth and just take it away after death. Marriage can be eternal, and is meant to be.
Overall, I appreciate the author for teaching me how to view my role as a wife in a more godly way, and I plan to put some of these ideas into practice immediately.
Overall, I appreciate the author for teaching me how to view my role as a wife in a more godly way, and I plan to put some of these ideas into practice immediately.
September 1, 2025
Honestly, the last chapter made me rate this 5 stars. The rest of the book was good and helpful, but the final chapter truly brings it home. We need to rely on God and seek His wisdom for anything in our lives to succeed. Also! If one spouse has too hard of a heart and the marriage fails, the other spouse's relationship with God is what will sustain them and carry them through. Their effort to save the marriage and humble themselves will not go unnoticed, but it is important to remember: God does not promise happiness or even a successful marriage. He promises to love us and provide for us better than any spouse can. Highly recommend this book.
April 23, 2025
Julie seems like a compassionate person. However, she doesn’t hold to the sufficiency of scripture give people hope and help for soul issues. A good amount of what she said did align with scripture. But, much of what she said is also influenced by the philosophies of psychology. For this reason, I would rather recommend books on the topic that hold to the sufficiency of scripture rather than the opinions of man.
June 7, 2025
Would only suggest this book for a woman who is young in her faith and a bit ignorant to marital issues. The way it’s written kind of assumes you know nothing or haven’t struggled in marriage. It’s as if Dr. Slattery has good intentions but offers nothing actually helpful. I really assumed the book would be reflective of the title and help a wife reframe her mindset and opinion of her husband or help her live out her biblical role. There are several other marriage books I would highly suggest instead.
June 16, 2023
Love loved this book. Cheesy title but incredible for married women to learn the power we have in marriage.
May 16, 2024
I absolutely loved this book. It was challenging and she provides a lot of really vital truths that are very hard to swallow. But so so good. I think every wife should read this!
March 26, 2025
Loved this book!! I haven’t read very many marriage books (just married 10 months ago) but this is one of my favorites so far. The updated version of this book has many stories/analogies that I feel are relatable and relevant. Juli’s tone is compassionate and speaks from years of clinical experience working with couples. And also really liked some of the context on a Godly perspective on career - thought it was really true to God’s truth and balanced. She captures nuance well with the many examples she brings up about marriage. Would recommend!
September 1, 2021
I have always been wary of books about marriage. I have read many that I have actually burned because not only were they not helpful to me at the time, they seemed to trivialize many of the struggles in marriage, which only frustrated me, hence the bonfire. Dr. Juli Slattery does not do this. She exudes compassion and understanding in each situation that writes about in this book. She writes in language we can understand. It is not full of "psycho-babble" or "churchy language." Each of us can read the book as if it is written to us. It isn't a "how to" book but rather "How are you doing in this thing called marriage? Let's talk."
Dr. Juli writes with the gospel of Jesus Christ as the foundation for our lives and the ultimate answer for our struggles. She shows her desire to communicate with wisdom from God and her training as a clinical psychologist as she leads us to action in our marriage struggles. You don't have to fear the word "submission" in her writings because, as she writes, "no submission is absolute, apart from submitting to God Himself." Her chapter "A Time to Stand" will help the reader understand that boundaries are sometimes needed and "Submission does not mean that you become weak."
Also, Chapter 7 is about fighting...or rather understanding what fighting is and is not. If my husband and I had to pick one chapter that we wish we had understood before we married, it's this one. Conflict is not fighting. Conflict is an everyday aspect in many parts of life. "A conflict in marriage is any difference between you and your husband." How we handle the conflict can determine whether it becomes a fight. Dr. Juli offers some approaches to conflict that are much kinder than what my husband and I used for over 30 years.
I would heartily recommend this book for wives, or soon to be wives. There is no book that can cover every aspect of every relationship. However, this is one of the books that addresses issues compassionately for every age group or length of marriage.
Dr. Juli writes with the gospel of Jesus Christ as the foundation for our lives and the ultimate answer for our struggles. She shows her desire to communicate with wisdom from God and her training as a clinical psychologist as she leads us to action in our marriage struggles. You don't have to fear the word "submission" in her writings because, as she writes, "no submission is absolute, apart from submitting to God Himself." Her chapter "A Time to Stand" will help the reader understand that boundaries are sometimes needed and "Submission does not mean that you become weak."
Also, Chapter 7 is about fighting...or rather understanding what fighting is and is not. If my husband and I had to pick one chapter that we wish we had understood before we married, it's this one. Conflict is not fighting. Conflict is an everyday aspect in many parts of life. "A conflict in marriage is any difference between you and your husband." How we handle the conflict can determine whether it becomes a fight. Dr. Juli offers some approaches to conflict that are much kinder than what my husband and I used for over 30 years.
I would heartily recommend this book for wives, or soon to be wives. There is no book that can cover every aspect of every relationship. However, this is one of the books that addresses issues compassionately for every age group or length of marriage.
March 28, 2022
Really enjoyed reading this for fun. It was very insightful about the power that words and actions have and it was a nice to be reminded of how I can personally impact someone.
September 11, 2021
I am learning so much from Juli. I've highlighted so much of the text to read and re-read. This book is changing some of my thinking and beliefs. My husband is noticing postive changes in me.
The most impactful thing I've read so far is "Eve didn’t just keep Adam company as he strolled around the garden. She helped him accomplish the work that God had given him. Together, they were told to “Be fruitful, to multiply and subdue the earth.” This work could only be accomplished as a team.
The Hebrew word for helper, ezer, doesn’t communicate this “helper” as a second-rate assistant. This word ezer shows up in the Old Testament twenty-one times. We know that it is used to describe Eve, but it’s also used sixteen times to reference God as a helper. This word is always used to refer to a vital and even powerful kind of help.
The most impactful thing I've read so far is "Eve didn’t just keep Adam company as he strolled around the garden. She helped him accomplish the work that God had given him. Together, they were told to “Be fruitful, to multiply and subdue the earth.” This work could only be accomplished as a team.
The Hebrew word for helper, ezer, doesn’t communicate this “helper” as a second-rate assistant. This word ezer shows up in the Old Testament twenty-one times. We know that it is used to describe Eve, but it’s also used sixteen times to reference God as a helper. This word is always used to refer to a vital and even powerful kind of help.
August 29, 2021
I wanted to preface this review by saying that I have not read the initial version of Juli’s book first published in 2001. However, I find it ironic that at the time of its release, I was in the first year of my own marriage - young, naive, and completely unprepared for a relationship which I thought I was ready for. At that time in my life, I didn’t have time to read marriage books. I was focused on trying to figure out motherhood. Wife was a secondary title. I do feel compelled to note that I received an advance reader’s copy via Net Galley in exchange for this honest review of her 2021 rewrite.
Those of us who have chosen the path of marriage know its various seasons - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Juli writes this book from her own experience and without having read the initial copy, I can see her maturity come through 20 years later in this rewrite.
While her experience is different from my own, it’s entirely relatable. In 12 clearly defined chapters, Juli shares thoughts that will have you nodding in agreement and a few that will bruise your ego. When this occurs, I suggest journaling and prayer to untangle these emotions.
Below are some comments (paraphrased for brevity) that caused me to pause:
Love isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s OK if your marriage feels more like a hot mess than a hot romance.
Your husband was never meant to completely satisfy you, nor you him.
True intimacy requires seasons of disappointment.
Respect is not a feeling but a choice to use your power even in the face of disappointment.
Complete rather than compete.
Marriage is a vehicle through which God can refine us and teach us love.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that marriage books aren’t my jam. In all honesty, I was very hesitant to even pick up the book based upon the title alone. However, here's a parting thought. Sometimes the hardest thing to undertake is personal examination. Shining the light on yourselves is hard. This book will help you do that.
Those of us who have chosen the path of marriage know its various seasons - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Juli writes this book from her own experience and without having read the initial copy, I can see her maturity come through 20 years later in this rewrite.
While her experience is different from my own, it’s entirely relatable. In 12 clearly defined chapters, Juli shares thoughts that will have you nodding in agreement and a few that will bruise your ego. When this occurs, I suggest journaling and prayer to untangle these emotions.
Below are some comments (paraphrased for brevity) that caused me to pause:
Love isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s OK if your marriage feels more like a hot mess than a hot romance.
Your husband was never meant to completely satisfy you, nor you him.
True intimacy requires seasons of disappointment.
Respect is not a feeling but a choice to use your power even in the face of disappointment.
Complete rather than compete.
Marriage is a vehicle through which God can refine us and teach us love.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that marriage books aren’t my jam. In all honesty, I was very hesitant to even pick up the book based upon the title alone. However, here's a parting thought. Sometimes the hardest thing to undertake is personal examination. Shining the light on yourselves is hard. This book will help you do that.
September 6, 2021
At some point, I think each of us say, “enough with the self-help books!” However, when it’s on a topic that we all can improve on and at some point need help with, this book rates top. The author presents an open and honest look at the reality of life in marriage and helps us strip off the facade so many couple put on. Keeping our relationship vibrant and fresh, along with cultivating Christ at the center of my life and in my marriage relationship brings the needed perspective us self-centered humans always default to…”what about me?”…
It is easy to read, down-to-earth, and appropriate for reading before and during marriage (for a reminder!) no matter how long you’ve been married!
Highly recommend this kind-hearted approach to the topic of mutual respect and adoration in marriage!
It is easy to read, down-to-earth, and appropriate for reading before and during marriage (for a reminder!) no matter how long you’ve been married!
Highly recommend this kind-hearted approach to the topic of mutual respect and adoration in marriage!
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July 12, 2025“You don't look at pornography primarily because you have a lust problem. You look at it because you believe that porn is a better salve for your pain than God is. You don't hold on to bitterness because you have an anger problem. You do so because you believe your bitterness is a better way to protect yourself than trusting the Lord. You don't nag your husband because you want to fix him. You do it because you want to be his personal Holy Spirit. You think you can do a better job reforming him than God could do. All this flows from a heart that trusts and worships self more than we trust and worship God.”
“What we see and hear on the screen is who we become.” -Mr. Rogers
“What we see and hear on the screen is who we become.” -Mr. Rogers
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