Untangling You: How can I be grateful when I feel so resentful?

by Dr Howells

2022 International Book Awards Winner - Relationships 2022 Nautilus Book Award Silver Medalist - Relationships & Communication A practical guide to untangling difficult relationships, letting go of resentment and ultimately leading a happier life. Thousands of clinical studies have demonstrated the positive benefits of gratitude to our physical, emotional and social wellbeing, but according to award-winning gratitude educator Dr Kerry Howells, it’s only when we experience the discomfort of not being able to find gratitude that a path opens for real growth and transformation. Based on 25 years of ground-breaking research, Untangling How can I be grateful when I feel so resentful? is the first book of its kind to discuss gratitude in terms of its conceptual resentment. Using practical strategies, tools and insights, this life-changing book will show you how to start to repair difficult relationships, improve your wellbeing, grow your resilience, and ultimately move from resentment towards deep gratitude to lead a happier and more fulfilling life. This book will help you on this journey, whether you are a leader, coach, parent, teacher, people manager, mentor, health professional, or just someone who wants to grow their character and self-efficacy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Philosophy

208 pages, Paperback

Published January 1, 2022

Reviews

[Ms Susan Pallister · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very occasionally a book comes along that can make a real difference to your life. For me, 'Untangling You' was that book! It really helped me to process some of the reasons we can fall into the trap of self resentment, yearning for everything in our lives to be perfect. Dr Kerry Howells has carefully structured her book with chapters on identifying how resentment can develop and then providing meaningful ways to move towards practising deep gratitude. I loved the quotes, some dating back to antiquity, that provided a beautiful lyrical context to a very practical, self-help book.
I also bought this book for a friend to help her process some of the problems she has recently faced in her own personal life. However, 'Untangling You' is equally illuminating and insightful for anyone struggling with challenging professional relationships at work. It should now become a key text in all leadership development courses!!
"Trying to address the resentment we feel from difficult relationships is perhaps the greatest test of all, and therefore presents the greatest opportunity for self-growth." Dr Kerry Howells: Untangling You: How can I be grateful when I feel so resentful?
I can thoroughly recommend this book, not only for those of us wanting to acquire more inner peace and calm in our often complex and busy 21st Century lives but for anyone wanting to maintain and develop positive workplace cultures.

[Lauren Blanchard · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Untangling You" is a GAME CHANGER!

I have lived with chronic pain/illness for over 20 years and run a community on Facebook called "Attitude of Gratitude with Chronic Pain." We are unique in the aspect that we are a solution-based group and strive to grow in our lives towards joy and purpose despite the struggles of living with chronic pain. The main tool we utilize is a practice of GRATITUDE.

A HUGE part of living with long-term chronic pain/illness is RESENTMENT. We often are resentful at doctors, spouses, friends (or former friends!), and most importantly....we can become resentful at ourselves. This can be for many reasons such as not being able to "cure" ourselves, thinking we possibly caused our pain/illness, feeling lazy and that we "should" be able to do things, and much more.

I stumbled upon this book as I am a collector/hoarder/enthusiast/passionate student of books about GRATITUDE. When I found out the topic I got VERY excited to not only read it, but to pass the info and tips along to the members of my community.

The information in this book is VITAL. Dr. Howells so beautifully dives into resentments and how it becomes such a stumbling block in all aspects of our lives. In my opinion, resentment can prevent true growth and holds us back from true joy and freedom of the bondage of self. Being able to be GRATEFUL when we feel resentful can present a big conflict, and as Dr. Howells so perfectly states, they are the "conceptual opposite" of each other.

The strategies, insight, and tools that Dr. Kerry Howells provides in this book are unlike anything else I have read to date. As a passionate reader and collector of books on the power of GRATITUDE, I have never before read such in-depth work on the role of resentments in our lives and how we can actually strengthen our resilience and move from feeling resentful to embracing GRATITUDE. This is incredibly important work!

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book to anyone feeling a bit stuck in finding true joy in their lives. GRATITUDE is a practice, a mindset, and a way of life that can help us to find wholehearted joy, but resentments so easily keep us stuck.

I should also mention that I have recommended this book to the members of my FB community and the response has been outstanding. The correlation between resentment and GRATITUDE seems so logical now that it has been explained so perfectly. This book holds the solutions to many of the stumbling blocks that are holding us back from reaching what Dr. Howells refers to as "Deep GRATITUDE." Many of us in the chronic pain community are, sadly, hoarders of resentments and this important book provides us with the simple tools we desperately need to enhance our quality of life to one of joy and purpose.

Thank you to Dr. Howells for this very important work that gifts us with so many answers. This book has gone into my all-time favorite books on GRATITUDE!

[Anni · Rating 4 out of 5]

See raamat toob tähelepanu 200lk jagu tänulikkusele. Ja vimmale. Kokkuvõttes tunnen, et nädal peale raamatu lugemist on enamus detailset infot ununenud, aga meeles on 3 asja: tänulikkust praktiseerides igapäevaselt tunnen end alandlikumana, rahulolevamana, rikkamana ja lootusrikkamana; tänulikkust saab tunda teadlikult keskendudes sellele, mis ON hästi; ja viimaseks tänulikkus aitab mõista, kui palju ja tuhandel erineval viisil olen seotud teiste inimestega.
Mind ei veennud lõpuni, et autor taandab suure osa negatiivsetest tunnetest vimmaks. Aga samas, kui see kedagi aitab, siis…

[Jung · Rating 2 out of 5]

Untangle challenging relationships by moving from resentment to gratitude.

Maybe it always seemed like your older brother was your parents’ favorite. Maybe your neighbor’s baby kept you up until 4:00 a.m. with its crying. Or your coworker got the promotion you felt you deserved. Or a good friend shared a story you told her in confidence. The list could go on and on. But all these situations have one thing in common: they breed resentment. 

Unless it’s dealt with, this resentment will bubble away under the surface; in time, it will grow and fester, infecting other areas of your life and having a negative impact on your health, relationships, and productivity.

Kerry Howells, the author of the book Untangling You, personally experienced this as a young philosophy professor. For years, she’d been tangled up in resentment toward her mother, which directly impacted their relationship; in fact, their relationship was nonexistent. Not only that, but the resentment trickled into her other relationships – even into her own parenting. 

One day, she decided to practice what she’d been preaching to her students about reframing resentment as gratitude. She went outside with a pen and paper and wrote her mother a gratitude letter. She thanked her for giving her life, for allowing her to experience the joy of having friends, of learning, of swimming in the ocean, and of being a mother herself.

Howells visited her mother after sending the letter. They hugged. They cried. They felt the tension between them melting. In that moment, their relationship was revived – and it grew stronger until Howells’s mother suddenly died six months later.

From then on, Howells started to feel deeply grateful for everything in her life. Her experience with her mother kick-started her research into gratitude and resentment, which led to a simple but powerful realization: the pain of not being able to access gratitude opens the door to transformation and growth.

It can be difficult to make the first move when you feel wronged. But if you’re as stubborn as a mule (guilty as charged) and think the other person should apologize or change, you’re in the right place. This book will show you how the act of practicing gratitude can help you let go of resentment. You’ll acquire the confidence and learn actionable steps to untangle the challenging relationships in your life – and move from pain and conflict to joy and peace.

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Practicing gratitude leads you away from resentment and toward health and happiness.

Here’s a short story for you about two old friends, Sarah and Dave. These longtime best buds made the bold move to get a place together – and that was the beginning of the end of their friendship. Sarah was clean and tidy, and Dave was more of a “free spirit.” Coexisting in the same space can be difficult. It takes communication and compromise. And Sarah and Dave weren’t engaging in either. Soon, Sarah began to withdraw. She was hurt and angry that Dave wasn’t even trying to do his part. Every spoon in the sink, sock on the floor, and light left on in an empty room added to her rage. The distress at home spilled over into the rest of her life. She wasn’t sleeping well, she had a hard time focusing on her studies, and her friends were tired of her complaining. Dave, meanwhile, was oblivious. One day, Sarah couldn’t take it anymore. Bitterly, she decided to move out. The end. 

Might there have been a better way for Sarah to handle this conflict – a way that avoided bruised feelings, a broken friendship, and lasting resentment?

This brings us to the first step in shifting from resentment to gratitude: finding your why. Sarah’s why, for instance, might have been to save her friendship with Dave. If she’d cherished their friendship more, she might have been able to shift her focus to the gratitude she felt for him. When finding your own why, make sure you find a reason that resonates – that motivates you to make the often difficult shift. Because there are so many benefits to practicing gratitude.

Here’s one benefit: gratitude makes you feel connected. Being thankful for someone highlights your interdependence by acknowledging the other person’s value, and it takes inventory of what you’ve received from the relationship.

Practicing gratitude can also remind you of someone’s good qualities. Research shows that gratitude, more than any other emotion, has the power to amplify the good thoughts and memories, and weaken the bad. With gratitude, Sarah could have reminded herself of the positive aspects of living with Dave instead of focusing on just the negatives. 

Embracing gratitude can also dissolve resentment’s destructive illusions – resentment that makes you feel like you’re a controlling, hyperemotional, or unrealistic person. Gratitude imparts a sense of calm by showing you that you’re not powerless, that you have a choice in how you respond to your circumstances. You don’t have to stay stuck in negativity; there’s another way out.

This sense of agency, calm, and connection that gratitude grants has a positive effect on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Studies show that having a grateful disposition can help combat anxiety, stress, burnout, and depression – and it can result in better sleep, a healthier heart and immune system, and more energy. In short, gratitude can help you become more resilient to all the challenges that life throws at you. 

Because life will throw them. And when you’re hurt, it can be easy to fall prey to resentment. Nelson Mandela was spot on when he said “resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Resentment harms and hardens only you as life around you moves forward and forgets. But in order to avoid it, you first need to see your resentment for what it is.

Looking at resentment in terms of its opposite, gratitude, can be helpful in identifying it. Think about your relationships. Is there one where expressing any type of gratitude seems impossible?

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By understanding the causes of your resentment, you can begin to address them.

Let’s do a little exercise. Close your eyes and consider your life. What do you feel? What thoughts come to mind? Maybe you’re thinking, Wow, life is beautiful – I feel so lucky. Or maybe you’re feeling disappointed and are wondering, How did I end up here? Why is life so unfair? How did my relationships get so strained?

The answers to these questions can be unearthed – and then addressed – by understanding the causes of your resentment. And often, the cause is tied up in nothing more than broken expectations.

In order to have functional relationships, expectations need to be clearly communicated, assessed, and reassessed down the line. And we all know this isn’t easy – remember Sarah and Dave? It can feel very awkward – scary, even – to approach the important people in your life to talk about expectations. But it’s crucial because without recourse, these relationships can fall apart.

Some people react to their resentment by announcing that the only way not to get hurt is to not have any expectations at all. If you don’t expect anything from anyone, you’ll never be disappointed. This stance might make sense for situations in which you truly have no control. But remember, when it comes to how you approach relationships, you have a choice.

So what if, instead of banishing expectations, you adopted a wider lens? What if you still held high expectations but weren’t attached to a certain outcome? Being ok with things not turning out exactly as you expect takes maturity. And it doesn't always come easy. But the more you practice acceptance by detaching yourself from a particular outcome, the less resentful you’ll be. 

Acceptance is one of the building blocks of gratitude. It allows you to search for the learning opportunities embedded in adversity: disappointment is a chance to change and grow. Choosing to work through your resentment by cultivating gratitude doesn’t mean accepting the status quo. It simply means that, even if your expectations aren’t met, you’re still able to keep in mind all the good in the other person. With acceptance, you won’t totally write someone off whenever they disappoint you.

Receiving gratitude can feel uncomfortable; for many of us, it’s easier to give than get. But the better you are at receiving gratitude, the deeper your interpersonal connections will be. You’ll understand and value others more, and make them feel more valued in turn. So the next time someone thanks you for walking the dog, or just picking up their call, really try to absorb and accept their gratitude. 

Being able to receive gratitude is especially pertinent when it comes to feeling inferior – another central cause of resentment. Maybe a joke’s been made at your expense, or you were the target of someone’s thoughtless prejudice. This can result in feeling dumb, humiliated, and resentful. 

The French word for gratitude is reconnaissance, and its meaning harkens back to the verb “to recognize.” As Margaret Visser observes in her book The Gift of Thanks, one of the things that humans crave most is recognition from others. Being open and able to receive reconnaissance when it’s offered, then, is vital. An antidote to the inevitable harshness of the world, to feeling small and insignificant, it can restore a sense of identity, worth, and belonging.

In this context, you might see how being a good listener is paramount. Sometimes, expressing gratitude – reconnaissance – just means listening to another’s discomfort and pain with your whole being. If you’ve ever been truly listened to by someone who’s totally there for you, you’ll know what a beautiful, affirming gift this can be. 

This is as true for the workplace as it is for your personal relationships. Maybe you’ve noticed that most effective leaders are pros at listening. That’s no coincidence! A great listener builds trust, restores goodwill, and promotes peace – all of which are integral to maintaining happy and productive employees.

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Gratitude gives you agency and promotes a growth mindset.

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, he details the atrocities of the concentration camps – of experiencing the deaths of his wife, brother, and parents. He discusses how some people were broken by their suffering while others took “the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any set of circumstances.”

Frankl distilled a universal truth: humans have a choice in how they respond to life’s events – yes, even in the midst of horror. Whether you choose resentment or gratitude will depend on your inner attitude. This refers to the deep you, your essential character. Your inner attitude informs how you orient yourself toward the world; it influences your emotions, thoughts, and actions – even your physical health. As we mentioned earlier, this is where the sense of agency comes in. By merely acknowledging that your inner attitude can be one of gratitude or resentment, you give yourself a choice in how to respond.

If you know you’re approaching a challenging situation, you can enter what’s called a “state of preparedness.” That is, you can strengthen your inner attitude and your sense of agency by proactively setting a tone of gratitude. Concentrate on everything you can possibly be grateful for – your friends’ support, the pretty flowers growing on your balcony, your adorable fluffy companion – and let the awareness of these things fill you up. As you head toward your challenge, this state will help you feel centered and calm; it’ll grant you more freedom to decide how you’d like to respond.

Perfectionism is a common cause of self-resentment. And so to move from self-resentment to self-gratitude, it’s important to explore what “perfection” means to you. To acknowledge that attaining “perfection” is impossible. To admit that the concept is inherently flawed – that even something “perfect” can always be improved. 

Instead of chasing the mirage of perfection, strive to do your best – and be grateful for your imperfection. Celebrating the imperfect is embodied in the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi, where an object’s cracks or asymmetry make it more beautiful and valuable. Your mistakes, too, can be seen as something beautiful, something valuable, and maybe, eventually, even something to laugh about.

To help increase your self-gratitude, try keeping a gratitude journal. Every night, before going to sleep, write down all the things you were grateful for today: your big cup of tea, a stranger’s smile, the sound of birds singing. Remember to include the aspects of yourself that you’re grateful for: your good health, the way you cheered up your sister, your strength at getting through the day. Then write down an aspect of your character you’d like to change, as well as a way you could practice gratitude toward another.

Noting what you’ve received from others, from the world, and from yourself will diminish your feelings of inadequacy and allow you to be more open to the gifts life is offering. Your self-discovery will also help you cultivate a growth-mindset and proactively look for ways to evolve and do better. With a growth-mindset, perceived mistakes or failures morph into exciting new paths that lead to more awareness and help you grow. In this way, each day is a new chance to learn something – and another thing to be grateful for.

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Gratitude helps you take responsibility and gives you the courage to confront resentment head-on.

Assuming you’re human, you have, without a doubt, rubbed someone the wrong way at some point. We all have. As social creatures, though, we’ve evolved to want to be liked. So that feeling you get when someone is upset with you stings in a deep kind of way. Even worse is the thought of having to address that person’s resentment toward you. But although this act can be excruciating, there’s something even worse: not addressing their resentment at all.

In this final chapter, we’ll put everything together and lay out practical steps that can lead you through the murky waters of another’s resentment to a place of clarity and understanding. 

As you’ve learned, the first step is to identify the cause of the other person’s resentment. This can be tricky; there’s often not just one thing that caused the pain or misunderstanding, so be diligent. From there, try to acknowledge any part you may have played in contributing to the situation. Pause for a moment, and really examine yourself and your actions.

It’s gratitude journal time: list all the things you’re grateful for. Bringing awareness to these things will replace the bitterness with optimism and courage – they’ll help you see a way forward in your relationship. Now, rehearse how you’ll approach the resentment, and think about what you’ll say. Be as specific as possible. Maybe you’re a manager who didn’t follow through with a particular policy – you could say something like, “I recognize that I undermined your well-being when I broke my promise to be flexible with sick leave, and I want to let you know how sorry I am.” 

Finally, you need to face the resentment in the flesh. As you start your conversation, you’ll likely be met with defensiveness and distrust. Don’t take it personally – you’ll need to move past these reactions to find a way of connecting. Here is where your state of preparedness will be a major help!

Addressing others’ resentment won’t be a one-and-done deal. You’ve got to keep focusing on doing your best to be an open, aware, and grateful component of the relationship. In other words, boost your integrity – recognize when you’ve deviated from your course, and make an effort to get back on track. This won’t just broaden your capacity for gratitude; it’ll make it easier for others to come to you with their issues before they devolve into resentment.

Gratitude isn’t just a feeling. It’s an action. And like with learning to play an instrument, you won’t become a virtuoso overnight – it takes practice. To do well, set realistic goals. Don’t take on the world. Instead, choose just one or two frayed relationships. Focus on consistently and steadily developing your gratitude toward them. Start with the less intense relationships, like the coworker who slighted you. From there, you can slowly work your way up to the more emotionally heavy relationships, like the person who broke your heart.

It’s important to note that gratitude is nonreciprocal. It’s not a give-and-take! In order for your practice to really work (and for you to reap all its sweet rewards), you need to express your gratitude authentically and unconditionally.

For things to change, you have to change. Keep this adage in mind, but also remember to be patient with yourself. There will be times when you feel like you haven’t made any progress – maybe you really tried to give that coworker more reconnaissance, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to say “Good morning” today. Rather than focus on results or on how fast you’re moving, appreciate the fact that you’re trying. Baby steps are still steps, after all.

Ultimately, the exploration of gratitude and resentment reveals what matters most in life: your relationships. That’s not to say that all your relationships need to have the same levels of depth and connection. And you don’t have to try to love everyone equally. But here’s the thing: you’ll always be in a relationship with someone – even if that someone is simply yourself. And if relationships are a given, what’s better: ongoing strife and suffering, or peace and happiness?

The choice is up to you.

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The conscious act of practicing gratitude can help you identify and address resentment – and the pain wrapped up in it. To build gratitude toward yourself and others, focus on honing your awareness, compassion, and integrity. With these tools, you’ll realize that you have a choice in how to respond to challenging situations; gratitude will also provide the courage to confront your grievances and make you more open to others’ input. Ultimately, you’ll replace helplessness, anger, or fear with a sense of agency, joy, and interconnectedness. 

Here’s a tip:

To express gratitude in a truly meaningful way, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. 

Consider the person you want to thank: What would they appreciate most? Chances are, their preferences will be different from how you like to show – or be shown – gratitude. Their values, interests, age, background, culture, or gender could all come into play here. For instance, maybe your friend is a working single dad and desperately craving some alone-time. You could offer to cook him a meal or pick up his kids to grant him that.

[Nathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very insightful book about a very misunderstood topic, perhaps something that affects every one of us no matter our walk of life. The concept of resentment can manifest within us and become all consuming, how we let it influence our personality, changing our very nature, and how we engage with people around us, not just those we may have resentment for.

Choosing gratitude over resentment doesn’t come naturally to most people. The information within this book provides some helpful advice and direction, though emphasises you cannot be expected to resolve resentment overnight. Gratitude is a practice, not a destination, and resolutions take time.

The process is more than just understanding resentment and practicing gratitude. It’s about how we communicate with others, our personal resilience to the things we cannot control, how we respond to negative feedback or criticism, and how we maintain compassion for others. This book reminds the reader that we must all learn not only how to give, but also receive gratitude.

[Bearone · Rating 5 out of 5]

In short, this book is very good.

This book doesn’t present something like a step-by-step guide for bla bla bla. Instead, the author presents their writing in an aspirational way, peeling back layer by layer about certain things. So, for some people, this might feel long-winded. But in truth, it trains us to be patient and to grasp the key points within it. Then, at the end of each chapter, a conclusion is provided along with a hint about what will be discussed in the next chapter.

One of the things i love about self-development books is the abundance of new and interesting figures to get to know.
Some self-development books i know contain "very calming" sentences, so it’s not uncommon for readers to linger in their comfort zones for too long.
(Actually, this is related to a person's emotional condition.
Every individual with a certain condition tends to be sensitive in choosing what kind of reading material is suitable for them. And this is not something that needs to be problematized.)

However, i found a slight difference in this book. Is it because this book is based on the author’s research, making everything feel so honest? I don’t know either. But the sentences are very well-crafted and friendly.
Usually, some self-development books state things bluntly, causing readers to feel hurt by them. But in this book, i found something where the author writes everything in a way that feels very genuine.

Sometimes, we think about something so simply that it seems trivial. But when explored more deeply, it turns out to hold something much bigger. That’s something i got from this book.

This book trains us to think in a structured way and exercises our brains to think critically about ourselves or others. From this book, i also got several recommendations for interesting books and research to read.

Honestly, i once stopped reading this book because, when i was going through a tough time emotionally, i found it hard to read something serious. But i thought that i probably needed to develop myself. So, i kept trying to push myself little by little to finish this book. And yes, i managed to complete it. I’m grateful to the author for writing something so useful and cool.

[Billy Buttons · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was entered in The Wishing Shelf Book Awards. This is what our readers thought:
Title: Untangling You: How can I be grateful when I feel so resentful?
Author: Dr Howells

Star Rating: 5 Stars
Number of Readers: 15
Stats
Editing: 10/10
Writing Style: 9/10
Content: 9/10
Cover: 5/5
Of the 15 readers:
15 would read another book by this author.
15 thought the cover was good or excellent.
15 felt it was easy to follow.
15 would recommend this book to another reader to try.
Of all the readers, 8 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘subject knowledge’.
Of all the readers, 3 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘writing style’.
Of all the readers, 4 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘clarity of message’.
14 felt the pacing was good or excellent.
15 thought the author understood the readership and what they wanted.

Readers’ Comments
“A fascinating book in terms of understanding gratitude and resentment. Resentment is such a powerful feeling; in many ways, a book of this nature helps us to identify it and, hopefully, enjoy a better life. Cool cover too.” Female reader, aged 43
“A very practical text, easy to follow, written by an author who seems to know the subject well. I would recommend this to anybody who can´t let go of resentment.” Male reader, aged 39
“Practical, thought-provoking and, unlike most self-help books, helpful! Example after example helps the author to illustrate her thoughts on the subject. Very enlightening.��� Female reader, aged 69
“Its not often I find an original self-help book, but this is. The author´s clear, concise writing style helps to put over her fascinating thoughts on gratitude and resentment and, as the title suggests, how to untangle them. Excellent for people who can´t let go of negative thoughts and want to move forward.” Female reader, aged 41

To Sum It Up:
‘A compelling, accessibly written text, perfect for anybody who wants to untangle resentment and gratitude. A FINALIST and highly recommended!’ The Wishing Shelf Book Awards

[Leah Schneider · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Kerry Howells selected eleven quotations (listed below) for her introduction and the opening of each of her ten chapters. If the people one quotes and reflects upon are metaphoric dinner guests, one can be assured that Kerry Howells has an unerring sense of the quality of people with whom she wishes to share a meal. I can attest that the feast of “ten courses” proved to be both delicious and nutritiously substantive. Indeed, I was so intrigued by each “dish” that I marked and read corresponding footnotes and intend to reread this book. I lecture on gratitude and resilience, and I am impressed both by the original thought and connections Dr. Howells makes, and her accessible clear prose. I am grateful to the author for sharing the harvest of 25 yrs of listening closely and learning wisely. Buy this book and share it with loved ones—they will be grateful to you for keeping the gifts circulating!
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. William James

He who has a why can endure any how… Friedrich Nietzsche

Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. Nelson Mandela

Underneath the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion. Rachel Carson

There is in human beings a powerful longing to be recognized. Margaret Visser

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor than can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. William James

The perfect is the enemy of the good. Voltaire

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. James Baldwin

Fear: the best way out is through. Helen Keller

Please knock before you enter. Karen Martin

In a gentle way, you can shake the world. Mahatma Gandhi

[Jaanika V · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eneseabiraamatutesse suhtun üldiselt väga skeptiliselt ja arvan, et peabki. Küll aga võib õigel hetkel kätte võetud raamat olla elumuutev. Lugesin raamatut ühe ülikooli kursuse raames, aga selgus, et mul oligi seda vaja ühe konfliktse olukorra lahendamiseks, millega puntras olin ja mis mind seest sõi ja vastikumaks inimeseks muutis. Raamatu lõpuks oli minus hoopis vähem vimma. Oskan end nüüd paremini jälgida ja vajadusel sekkuda enne kui selle inimeseks olemisega päris käest ära läheb. Ma pole kindel, kas tegu on universaalselt hea raamatuga, aga mulle meeldis, sest ajastus ilmselt oli minu jaoks väga täpne. Lihtne ja kiire lugemine, aga samas võib aidata peas mingid suured probleemid lahti harutada. Et potentsiaalselt pikemaajalise mõjuga raamat. Autor ajab täitsa mõistlikku juttu, selles ei ole midagi liigselt idealistlikku või teoreetilist, mis praktikas oleks kuidagi keeruline või võimatu. Täiesti tavalised inimeseks olemise asjad tegelikult, mida lihtsalt keegi millegipärast peab ütlema, muidu nagu ei tule meelde.
Eriti soovitan eestlastel lugeda, sest meil võib-olla on keskmisest suurem tõenäosus, et vimma hakkab lausa üle ääre ajama ja muudab meid elu ja teiste inimeste vastu kibestunuks ning küüniliseks. Tasub lugeda kui päris nii hull seis veel ei ole ja annaks midagi ette võtta. Aga kui sinusse ikka üldse vimma kogunenud pole, siis ilmselt pole mõtet lugeda.

[Taavi Mandel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kas oled tundnud, et sind on koheldud ebaõiglaselt?

Lahendamata situatsioon, mis jääb kuhugi kaugele kumisema, kuid aeg-ajalt teeb kära ja heidab õelat pilku.

Autor selgitab argipäevaste lugude kaudu, kuidas hoida suhteid, milles paratamatult kerkib arusaamatusi ja ebaõiglaselt tunnetatud olukordi.

Kuidas muuta oma hoiakut selliselt, et keskenduda situatsiooni panusele, mille suhtes olla tänulik ja mitte kanda endas vimma. Samuti kuidas käituda olukorras, kus vimm on suunatud sinu peale.

Peresuhted, töösuhted, lähisuhted, armusuhted - autor toob oskuslikult esiplaanile inimsuhted nende erinevates vormides ja situatsioonides, rõhutades tänulikkuse hoiaku jõudu.

Kasulik lugemine ja abiline, tuvastamaks ja lõikamaks läbi vimmapommide sidemed, et kergendada koormat teekonnal tervliklikkuse suunas.

[Witianatalatas Dachi · Rating 3 out of 5]

The message is simple. It is about the benefits you’d get by being grateful will diminish resentment toward people. This idea captured me.

The writer shared some stories of people who practice gratitude in real life. How they finally reached peace. The resentment diminished on its own. But, that was it. She didn’t really tell the hows. I kept looking and looking, kept reading it, hoping I’d find the steps. There was none.

Yet, one thing I agreed on when she brought up expectations to others tended to create disappointment. Resentment was the extension of disappointment. It woke me up. Today I am still learning not to put any expectations on every relationship I have.

[Reelika Kullerkan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Väga huvitav maailmavaade läbi tänulikkuse prisma. Aitab endast paremini aru saama ja arendama, et olla tänulik õppimiskohtade eest iseendas. Võtta kriitikat kui õppimis/arenemisvõimalust.
"Eluterve tasakaal peitub selles, et anname endast parima, kuid samal ajal tunnistame täiuslikkuse ebatäiuslikkust. Vana Jaapani wabi-sabi filosoofia demonstreerib seda kaunilt. Teetseremooniatel hinnati kõige kõrgemalt neid kausse, millel oli ebaühtlane glasuur, väiksed praod või ebakorrapärane kuju."
"Me kardame, et see, mida me teeme, ei ole piisavalt hea, seega me ei proovigi. Nagu Voltaire hoiatab: "Täiuslik hävitab hea"."

[ziyuan ʚɞ Reads Dark Smut. · Rating 5 out of 5]

The conscious act of practicing gratitude can help you identify and address resentment – and the pain wrapped up in it. To build gratitude toward yourself and others, focus on honing your awareness, compassion, and integrity. With these tools, you’ll realize that you have a choice in how to respond to challenging situations; gratitude will also provide the courage to confront your grievances and make you more open to others’ input. Ultimately, you’ll replace helplessness, anger, or fear with a sense of agency, joy, and interconnectedness.

[Salsabeel Al-Zamly]

The conscious act of practicing gratitude can help you identify and address resentment – and the pain wrapped up in it. To build gratitude toward yourself and others, focus on honing your awareness, compassion, and integrity. With these tools, you’ll realize that you have a choice in how to respond to challenging situations; gratitude will also provide the courage to confront your grievances and make you more open to others’ input. Ultimately, you’ll replace helplessness, anger, or fear with a sense of agency, joy, and interconnectedness. 

[Julie Boyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Kerry Howells was a guest on my podcast and we discussed her book and the difficulty of remaining grateful while we are addressing resentments in our lives. I learned from Kerry that we can do the work of dealing with resentment and also have a gratitude practice at the same time. This is the work and she guides us on how to navigate the difficulties of moving forward and releasing resentment. Highly recommend her work!

[Madeline · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a clear and concise book on how to identify and deal with resentment, and how to find gratitude to work it through. It helped me immensely in dealing with an old resentment that I thought I’d let go of. If you’ve ever felt stuck with old or current grievances, Howell gives a very helpful plan for breaking through. I highly recommend it.

[Alexandria Blaelock · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s a lot to take in. With more types of resentment than I’d ever imagined, this book has a “fix” for just about everything.

[Deanne Davies · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful and helpful. A book I need to read again.

[Louise Cunningham · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful book written by Dr Kerry Howells who has focused on gratitude for 25 years. But this is not a dry academic book. It fits within the self-help genre and is written for everyone. It’s a book for self reflection and empowers the reader to take control of their life and make changes to enhance their well- being by letting go of resentment and focusing on the positive of gratitude. It’s an easy read but is filled with information that leads you to focus on your own life. The case studies are illuminating and show what a difference the change in strategy can make. And it’s not just a one off read. It’s a great manual to dip back into to bring your focus back to what’s best for you in your life. I can see this book being purchased for friends in need too.