Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away

by Natasha Adamo

You picked up this book because your breakup has been reduced to something that you feel you must “win” to emotionally survive and move on. This reduction can only take place if you were involved with a toxic person. Toxic people are selfish, empathetically bankrupt, and have a limited relationship with reality. Anyone who feels validated by exploiting your hunger for theirs is toxic—to your peace, your life, and your mental health. Breakups aren’t won by game-playing or vilifying your ex. They’re won by realizing that winning is losing a partner who has proven to be a dead end. A new life is waiting for you at the end of this journey. In Win Your Breakup , relationship and self-help coach Natasha Adamo presents the opportunity for a life with relationships that you don’t have to tolerate and eggshell-walk your way through. It’s a life in which your ex regrets the day they ever decided to breach your trust and break your heart; a life in which those who took you for granted wish you could find a way back into theirs. In this life, you can choose to walk away from toxicity—no more trying to be the person someone may want, may commit to, may be honest with, and may treat with respect. This life is about to be your own.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Psychology, Audiobook

ebook

Published January 11, 2022

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must for everyone, not just for single , broken hearted people but for anyone who ever felt like they are just not enough (and i guess we ve almost all been there), or anyone who deals with or ever dealt with a toxic person. I already finished the book ( yep in 1 day…just couldn’t put it down) and it was life changing. The only thing that made me sad in the beginning was that i wish i read it earlier, than wouldn’t have committed all the post breakup mistakes and humiliations…but i guess there are no what if’s in life and we can only rise and learn from our past shameful experiences.. and by the end of the book i got the confidence that no matter what i will be the one that got away because from now on i will stay on my white horse forever ❤️❤️

[Rick Wilson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Diving into dating discourse again. Books like this creep me out.

Narcissism is not the anecdote to being hurt. As a guy reading this, I felt demeaned and dehumanized, like we’re some sort of prize? “Win your break up and you’ll get some nice dude at the end of it“ what does that say about your attitudes and beliefs around dating?

I support the idea that you want to focus on self growth and nurturing yourself. Reading this post break up and looking for answers and healing is I think part of my process. Probably on me for grabbing this from the library without reading more of it. But this book should be called “how to out toxic your ex: a guide to mind games with a veneer of self-help”

“If you’re not begging to get back with him, it will ruin his ego” actual quote from the book. Like what? I wish my exs nothing but good things. Growth and some therapy if they’re open to it. I’m amazed that they wanted to be with me for as long as they did. And I’m grateful that we got to spend that time together. For a variety of reasons they weren’t the right person for me to spend more of my life with. I hope they find happiness from other people, and in other ways.

But there is this like win-lose prize oriented approach here that really rubs me the wrong way. If I can maybe summarize the mentality, it’s “work on yourself so that you’ll be good enough to deserve a better man.” Now my rejection of this may be because I am fundamentally broken in someway. But a lot of the times when I’ve spent time with someone who has really internalize this world view, it felt like I was simply a cog in their vision of what they wanted their future to look like. Less partnership, oriented and more transactional then seems healthy. A plug variable who attended X school, has the job, 6 foot two, check check check. Anyone who hits those metrics is good enough.

Ultimately this book felt dehumanizing to me as a man. You’re just a conquest. The constant shit talking of the imaginary ex in this book seems strange. I’m sure there are plenty of toxic exes. Like damn you dated someone, can’t you hold space for them being a decent person? Is everything they do toxic? You can’t have a level of gratitude for the good times, and appreciate that their feelings? Nope, this book is just, “fuck this person and the horse they rode in on, and their mom, and their dad, and their dog.” Which, if it’s a waypoint on a larger journey, sure. But that was the book. And I think the solution is not to fight fire with fire, it’s to not play a game were participants are shooting fire back-and-forth.

So I can’t help but think after reading that attitudes like this book proposes are why dating sucks for everyone. It’s a win lose mentality instead of a win-win.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first days during the collapse of my relationship are all a blur. But I'm so thankful that I gave Natasha Adamo's book a chance. Admittedly there were parts I wanted to ignore at first - no contact with someone you've loved and shared a life with for nearly 12 years seems impossible - but I knew what she was advising was what would ultimately be in my best interest. I've repeatedly reread parts of this book - I've highlighted many sections and go back to them. Natasha directly teaches ways to heal yourself and find your self-worth again. If you are finding yourself considering this book, DO IT! I know first-hand how the end of a relationship hurts. This book will help you find your way back to yourself.

[Taylor Spinnicchio · Rating 3 out of 5]

ok the title is cringy but this was a bible.

[Yessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

perfect

The best breakup book I’ve ever read. Essential for post narcissistic/ domestic abuse. Hits every point it needs to thank you Natasha

[Mary Baron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful and reassuring

I read this book six months out of my breakup. I wish I had it when I was at that raw, lowly, questionable state. But I may not have been able to fully receive it at that point.
Even though I had crawled out of the abyss by the time I read this, it was more reassurance as I still occasionally fall back into wondering why certain things transpired.
This was a very quick and easy read. Though parts seem repetitious, it seems to take repetition to make the truths of reality sink down deeply.
I’m glad I read this. During the hard moments I will refer to some of the quotes I found helpful. Definitely recommend.

[Nicole Russomanno · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've tolerated a toxic person in your life as I have this book is for you!

[Aoife · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think this book is well intentioned but it seems more of a rant from the author about how they have internalised their own experiences.

It’s written almost as if they chose the title first and then wrote something to match it. Repetitive and rambling at times and some heavily used key words that pop up a lot.

I know there are a lot of self-help books about breakups and I believe this was meant to be seen as a badass breaking all the barriers kind of book (words like ‘remember who the fuck you are’) but it falls short.

First, not every break up is because the ex is a toxic, horrible person. The constant emphasis on toxicity in this book is creepy and unnecessary. Nor is it balanced.

It seems to come from the view that everyone is dealing with a degrading type of person/narc like traits and that’s simply not true.

There’s no need to torch a person even if you broke up on not so good terms. There doesn’t have to be a winner. Both people are allowed to thrive and move on.

It’s a little heavy on the idea that one person must be at fault and toxic when reality is more likely to be sometimes people just aren’t a good match and don’t bring out the best in each other. We all have our flaws. It’s a bit of a blame game and sometimes we need to look at ourselves too.

Words like ‘doormat’ are frequent and once again, I feel the author is referring to their own experiences, and rather than empowering the reader - this book comes across at times as petty and vengeful. No need.

The author is clearly not a qualified psychologist or therapist - this person in their bio refers to coaching clients in many countries but helping others through personal experiences and viewpoints is not the best way to inform others.

In my opinion, this was a basic piece about demonising the ex and rising up from the ashes - (or riding on your white horse if you’d prefer). It’s casual ‘I’m talking to you’ style isn’t convincing and not everyone has self worth issues after a breakup. Some of us know exactly ‘who the f we are’ and books like this aren’t worth the time.

[Fernanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Y con este libro termina mi etapa de leer libros de este tipo. Tiene consejos que a algunas personas puede funcionar pero varias cosas me causaron conflicto, es mejor ir a terapia que leer libros de autoayuda.

[A Goose Gurl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed how this book successfully and honestly addressed the root of the question. I needed this and it felt more like getting advice from a sister who cared as opposed to a self help book.

[Ellie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just lol

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

i felt embarrassed opening this but it had some very eye opening. really good advice i needed to hear. i really enjoyed the tone (?) if that makes sense.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

While trying to navigate the hell of betrayal and a breakup from a toxic ex I read a lot of self help books on the subject. This one hit every nail on the head and really spoke to my soul. The book's title is a trap... in a good way. It draws you in because you are stuck in the mindset that you want to win, you want them to take accountability, to validate your pain and the suffering they caused you as you feel it is the only way to heal. But of course, being toxic, they won't; so you are continuously spiralling. This book says 'no, you are stronger than this' and gives you another, healthier way to 'win'. After nearly 5 months of pain this book actually made me feel like I've started to heal. Thank you so much to the author ❤️

[Melany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been single for a few years, as I'm doing inner work and focusing on my future. This healed me in ways I didn't know I needed healing. This was heartbreaking, eye opening and beautiful all at the same time. Great for those who are dealing with a breakup, damaged bits from past relationships or still needing to heal some past trauma. I took alot of notes and cried at several parts.

I won this book from a Goodreads giveaway. All of the statements above are my true opinions after fully reading this book.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

You know when you have to write an essay for school but you don’t quite know how to fill it out to reach that mandatory word count so you keep repeating the same idea in different words? That’s kind of how “Win Your Breakup” is. A few gems of wisdom with lots of fluff. I want to give Ms. Adamo’s writing the benefit of the doubt by saying maybe I am not heartbroken enough to fully appreciate this book, but I am kind of disappointed.

I bought this book because of a recent break-up and based on the good reviews it's received; however, I feel like it’s kind of a niche read (the toxic ex she refers to throughout the book - that we are to interpret/associate as OUR ex - is this cocky, playboy cheater, and my ex was a different kind of toxic, making it difficult for me to relate with the majority of the content. Second, although Natasha makes excellent points and gives some golden nuggets of wisdom, most of what is said is just recycled words and phrases. I feel like each chapter says the same thing in different words. “Stay on your White Horse,” your ex isn’t capable of emotional maturity, you are not a “doormat” (she likes using this word a lot), rinse & repeat. On a different note, I enjoyed her humor. There were more than a couple of times I laughed out loud. I also really respect her honesty in the instances she admits to some toxic behavior on her part (because we are ALL toxic sometimes). I also praise her ability to balance giving tough love and consolation.

All in all, neither brilliant nor terrible; however, I really had to force myself to finish this one.

[Martina Ondrasekova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great and insightful read!

This book is supposed to be for “anyone who’s been dumped by a toxic person, and now feels like they need to “win” their breakup in order to emotionally survive.”

That’s not why I personally picked it up. I’ve enjoyed Natasha’s style of writing and her refreshing ‘reality check’ approach ever since I discovered her blog back in 2018.

I knew that this book would help me recognize my own toxicity that I still need to work on stemming from my fluctuating self-love.

As Natasha said: “We find ourselves in toxic relationships because we have undealt with trauma from our past — thus, we are in a toxic relationship with ourselves.”

If you are ready to quit avoiding the proverbial mirror, to deal with your own trauma, to do the hard work in order to grow and to recognize and work on your own toxic habits (btw. you do not need to be heartbroken or coming out of a break up to find this book relevant), this book is for you.

A new life is waiting for you at the end of this journey. Picking up this book, be willing to be honest with yourself and do the work is the first step.

[Misty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reminder to go no contact, some positivity talk but not that great overall and little advice that can be actually applied

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't plan on breaking up with anyone, but I decided to skim a few chapters based on the fascinating title, and I ended up reading the whole thing. Natasha Adamo is NOT a therapist or psychologist and does NOT claim to be. She's a coach who has talked thousands of people through breakups based on her own wretched breakup experiences. If you want someone who will metaphorically GRAB YOU by the shirtfront and literally tell you to SNAP OUT OF IT and RESPECT YOURSELF, Ms. Adamo is your woman.

The author uses plain language and does not apologize for it. For example (I'm paraphrasing here): If someone walks into your house and pisses on your rug, you don't just sit around and wonder why they would do that and consider whether your rug or your house or you are to blame, right? No. You tell them to stop pissing on your rug and you throw them out of your house.

Similarly, if your toilet is full of sh¡t, you don't spend time looking at the sh¡t and reminiscing about the wonderful meal you had. OF COURSE NOT. You flush the toilet immediately. Because you don't lose anything when you flush the toilet. Instead, you gain a sh¡t-free toilet bowl.

I think the best advice Adamo gives is to stop communicating with the ex. Block them on everything, don't sneak glances of their social media, and do your best not to communicate with those who want to update you on the ex's life. And don't post quotations about moving on or betrayal or being strong or independent or whatever. You are DONE with that behavior and the stalkerishness and the reconciliations and the repeated breakups. Now it's your job to rise above the fray (Adamo calls this "getting on your White Horse"), take better care of yourself, and move on to whatever lies ahead. The author recommends this not only because it is emotionally and physically healthful for you but also because it baffles and enrages exes and their schmoopies/pals/relatives/familiars. So the advice is practical but also petty. And I love that combo.

Today is Valentine's Day. Be good to yourself and stop wasting time ruminating on the past! Be wise, be strong, be petty!

[Michael R · Rating 4 out of 5]

Holy moly, this book is good! The best part is Adamo's approach: straight and direct without any sugarcoating or fluffy theories. The message is also told as it is, using natural language which is easy to take in. But you need to loosen up a little because of the style: if you'd prefer formal or clean language, you need to look for a different book.

At times, Adamo is very black-and-white in her approach and I'd appreciate a more nuanced view at things. She focuses so strongly on toxic relationships that she loses sight of the "more normal" breakups where one still might want to step up and become better. But that nuance can be added when you reflect on the book against your values and how you want to operate in the world. Like any theory we learnt in school or studies, it's all about the application in real life that counts. That nuance would have polished this book off to a 5-star read (or listening, in my case).

Especially the start of Part 3 might be triggering to some but it also pushes you in front of a mirror to look at yourself seriously and take care of who's there. There is some repetition in the book but it's not distracting. Rather, it serves to hone in the message and make sure it permeates through.

Give this book plenty of mental space because it deserves it, much more than many of the other relationship books or material I've gone through. I'd highly recommend this to everyone who's close to a breakup or gone through it. In the midst of the worst phase, this book might be too much but once you are settling down, it's time for this one. All the best!

[one6four · Rating 3 out of 5]

decent read that gives you a reality check. however it’s purely anecdotal and not scientific (not that the author claims to be). a lot of it is rant-y as some others have mentioned and its entirely based on the author’s own personal experiences. making this relatable but also kind of a “one size fits all” approach to a breakup. for the most part it does seem to work and i do agree with the importance of her main principle of choosing to not victimize yourself in the breakup. and to also focus on the unhealed parts of you that may be attracted to the toxicity / unhealed in others. the language and writing in it reminded me of a breakup version of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson with its realness. However because that book is more versatile and more general to everyday life things - I rate it higher on my list. Also maybe I wasn’t as heart broken going into this as earlier on in my breakup but overall it was good and applicable to the things I have chosen already to do (work on myself). So it was good to see a reminder that I am on the right track! Because of the language and anecdotes and because of the “one size fits all approach” not everyone may be comfortable or happy with reading this. But I was amused and entertained and I still learned quite a bit! I finished this book in 2 days because of how fun it was lol. I rate it a 3-3.5/5

[Te'Lor Hawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not just for people going through romantic breakups. This book teaches you a lot on how to separate yourself from toxic relationships of all kinds (friendships, familial, romantic, platonic, etc). Remembering who TF you are and looking out for your younger self can help you whenever you are faced with different conflicts with people and you don’t know what to do OR how to do it.

Something that I found really profound in the book:

If you are ever in doubt of what you need to do in a situation that is triggering you, do this.

Picture yourself watching the story of your life in a movie theater. Now, imagine you get to the point in your life story that you’re at today. What would you be cheering yourself on to do?

This is a tool that I think we all can implement in our everyday lives and everyday encounters ❤️

Overall, everything in this book is well said and I will pass this one along to all of my peers!

[caroline hawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not the petty, shallow, vengeful ego stroker the title may suggest. This book is about owning your side of the street and breaking up- not down- after looking in the mirror of your own toxic relationship. This book is more like a pep talk to wake the f*** up and put action in place of explanations, forgive without the need for external validation, hold on to your standards by remembering who you are.
My most toxic relationship? The one I had with myself. Instead of being a slave to your own ego, you can take the hit, see your loss as the gain it is, and start respecting yourself so others can as well.
I couldn’t recommend this book more to anyone who feels like they are on a self-sabotaging hamster wheel, unable to let go of a relationship that continually devalues you, disappoints you, leaves you questioning your sanity at every turn.

[Leah Warden · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazing to put things back into perspective

Although I feel I am not at quite an emotional loss of my previous relationship as the writer had been in hers, I certainly am uncomfortable in the break up, hence reading the book. I've read it in 2 days. I felt someone truly trying to help me/give me positive tips for true healing and really got me and my thoughts. Also made me laugh several times. I feel I was already on this journey of putting myself first and this book has reaffirmed why I have stepped away- to protect me and my boundaries. Love the new takes on things. My detox is now in full swing and not my loss. I see I have truly gained in this situation. Thank you writer ... recommend to anyone letting doubt and sadness in following a break up. One of the best self help books I've read! 😀

[Elliot · Rating 5 out of 5]

I felt very called out by this book; it was both about me and for me. It was very painful to read most of the time but eye-opening to the shortcomings I experience on both sides of the breakup; I fall prey to my impulsiveness and my relationships because I haven't taken the time to know myself.

Though it can get a bit repetitive at times, I think that is good because it really hammers in the message. And I'm learning that the best way to learn is spending time on repetition.

To sum up the book's message as I understand it: toxicity is created by those who don't know or don't like themselves, and the best way to "win" in a relationship or breakup is to fortify "who the f*** you are" (the author's phrase), so you are not sacrificing yourself at the altar of another. Don't let anyone else's lack of self-respect or self-awareness drain you of yours.

[Simone Bennett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I broke up with my toxic ex in August of last year. I have been with him for over 10 years and known him more than 15 years. So, it's obvious, this was my first real real relationship and most painful heartbreak. It was so rough that I found myself loosing appetite to eat, go to the gym (I forced it though) and being depressive. Nevertheless, I pushed through with the help of family and friends, which I am so grateful.

The idea that stood out of this book was to stay on your white horse. Never let someone have power over you.

Also, I felt as though Natasha was just keeping it real and honest. Especially when she said that normal people usually say that you should wish your ex well, but deep down inside I dont wish him well. Grant you, I am not wishing him bad, but I am not wishing him well ither.

Anyone looking for a break up book to buy, pick this book. Your will not regret it.

[Charles Reed · Rating 2 out of 5]

-40%
Win Your Breakup. This is one of the most toxic books I have ever read in my entire life. The real value of this is being able to reflect on it and say, this is how people legitimately think. People are absolutely unhinged. That is wild. She's angry and seeking revenge. And I say, oh my goodness. I wish you the best, but you need to get over your ex at some point. And please, dear God, calm down. This is an intense book. So, Natasha, I wish you the best. I'm glad that you were able to write the book, because, again, I'm happy to have your viewpoint on this, but it is Mad Max revenge to the maximum. This is some absolute John Wick stuff here.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title of this book caused me a great deal of hesitation, but it ended up being one of the most valuable books I've read on overcoming toxic relationships. I can see myself reading this again when I need a reminder, and will certainly be buying copies for a few friends as they struggle through similar situations. While the author does focus on romantic relationships, I would recommend this book to anyone who struggles to establish and enforce boundaries in ANY type of relationship. It's a quick read and written as if the author is speaking directly to you, making it very easily digestible.

[Janet Wale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book

I read this book at the start of the most difficult period of my life. It has given me so much courage and strength to carry on. I have read it several times now during some very dark days following the end of a 40 year marriage to a very toxic man. It has made me stop and question everything about myself and my life. This lady has obviously been where I am and has found a way through. I recommend that you read this if you are struggling with the end of any relationship to a toxic person. It will open your eyes.

[Jessica Reed · Rating 5 out of 5]

I randomly purchased this after being broken up with by my boyfriend of a year and a half. IT'S LIKE SHE WAS IN MY HEAD!!!! Everything I have felt, everything I have thought, she talked about it. I thought it was going to take months to get over this "man", but after reading this book I feel free. HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend if you are questioning yourself or if you are wondering what to do next. This book has saved my mental health and I'm SO thankful for it!!

[Sue Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are someone that struggles to break up with a person, even a loser or someone that is not right for you, please read this book. I am almost 50 years old and this book gave me the strength to be mentally tough about what the situation actually is versus what I want it to be. I pretty much only read audiobooks, but I liked this book so much that I wanted to highlight things in it that I purchased it. I highly recommend this book for any young woman or any woman.