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Tell Me How to Be
Lost in the jungle of Los Angeles, Akash Amin is filled with shame. Shame for liking men. Shame for wanting to be a songwriter. Shame for not being like his perfect brother. Shame for his alcoholism. And most of all, shame for what happened with the first boy he ever loved. When his mother tells him she is selling the family home, Akash must return to Illinois to confront his demons and the painful memory of a sexual awakening that became a nightmare.
Akash's mum, Renu, is also plagued by guilt. She had it all: doting husband, beautiful house, healthy sons. But as the one-year anniversary of her husband's death approaches Renu can't stop wondering if she chose the wrong life thirty-five years ago and should have stayed in London with her first love.
Together, Renu and Akash pack up the house, retreating further into the secrets that stand between them. When their pasts catch up to them, Renu and Akash must decide between the lives they left behind and the ones they've since created.
By turns irreverent and tender, filled with the beats of '90s R&B, Tell Me How to Be is about our earliest betrayals and the cost of reconciliation. But most of all, it is the love story of a mother and son each trying to figure out how to be in the world.
Akash's mum, Renu, is also plagued by guilt. She had it all: doting husband, beautiful house, healthy sons. But as the one-year anniversary of her husband's death approaches Renu can't stop wondering if she chose the wrong life thirty-five years ago and should have stayed in London with her first love.
Together, Renu and Akash pack up the house, retreating further into the secrets that stand between them. When their pasts catch up to them, Renu and Akash must decide between the lives they left behind and the ones they've since created.
By turns irreverent and tender, filled with the beats of '90s R&B, Tell Me How to Be is about our earliest betrayals and the cost of reconciliation. But most of all, it is the love story of a mother and son each trying to figure out how to be in the world.
325 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 7, 2021
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19785 people want to read
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December 18, 2021
I loved this book so freaking much and have so much gratitude to Neel Patel for writing it. As a gay Asian American (gender-flexible) man I feel like I have waited forever for a book that centers a queer man of color that isn’t solely about that character’s queer trauma or his unhealthy relationship with another man, often a white man. Patel accomplished that and more with this amazing debut novel.
Tell Me How to Be follows an Indian American family with roots in a predominantly white Midwestern town. Akash Amin, an R&B songwriter living in Los Angeles, has since moved away from his hometown, yet he still feels a lot of shame about his gayness and how he ended things with the first boy he ever loved back home. Akash’s mother, Renu, also feels shame about a secret relationship she hid from her entire family, especially now as the one-year anniversary of her husband’s death approaches. When Renu decides to move back to London, Akash and his older brother Bijal return to their childhood home to help her pack her things, and in the process Renu and Akash confront the painful, unresolved dynamics of their past so that hopefully, they can move forward.
For the first 50 to 100 pages of this book I honestly wasn’t sure whether I’d give it more than three stars. The transitions between Akash and Renu’s perspectives felt a bit too quick, and a couple of times Patel’s writing struck me as a bit tell-y instead of show-y. However, I found myself completely immersed and impressed with the novel when it transitioned into Part II; I read the remainder of the book in one night, awestruck. Here are the main three things I loved about Tell Me How to Be that have made it one of my favorite novels ever:
1. Patel writes beautifully about how our pasts influence our present behaviors, especially within our relationships. For the first 100 pages of the book or so we witness Akash struggle with a substance use disorder while messing up a bunch of his relationships, while Renu acts somewhat coldly to various people around her, especially Akash. In Part II, Patel does an excellent job of showing how Akash’s childhood experiences of bullying and othering due to his queerness affect his subsequent feelings of shame and disconnection. Similarly, Patel highlights how Renu’s strong will yet gendered difficulty to cultivate agency cut her off from her ideal life, so she then displaces her feelings of anger and frustration onto her family members. The characters in this novel make human mistakes and we witness enough of their backstory to understand why and cultivate empathy. Also, as someone who *loves* a good slow burn romance between queer men of color, I basically died and then was resurrected and then died again with the whole section on Akash and Parth. Like I’m literally writing this review from another world while listening to “I Can’t Stop Me” by Twice because the book resonated with me so much.
2. Patel portrays the effects of racism, classism, homophobia, and other forms of oppression against and within the Indian American community while also showing how his characters resist these damaging forces, all with nuance and from a character-driven perspective. While I initially eye-rolled at the inclusion of Jacob, Akash’s white boyfriend at the beginning of the book, I grew to appreciate both the explicit and subtler ways Patel interweaved issues of racism and other oppressions throughout Tell Me How to Be: Akash’s first love Parth’s initial cruelty toward his own parents for speaking accented English, the way Renu judged Parth’s parents because they owned a motel and lacked class status, how Bijal made a comment or two toward Akash in their childhood years about how Akash better not be gay, etc. At the same time, Patel illustrates how his characters resist oppression, such as Akash’s relationship with Jaden, a queer Black man, as well as through Renu’s refusal to render herself as a submissive Indian American woman in a sea of whiteness (there’s one scene with Renu and her book club that literally made me scream in a good way; if you read the book you’ll know which one I’m referring to.)
3. There’s hope and healing in this novel! Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of pain and loss, hurtful miscommunication, and racism. At the same time, the ending of Tell Me How to Be points to how these characters can reckon with their pasts and take steps toward forgiving themselves to let go of their shame, as well as practice more compassionate communication and actually actively listen to one another. I loved this aspect of the novel especially in relation to Akash’s character, because I feel like so many narratives surrounding queer men only detail queer pain and at times even glorify unhealthy relationships. While I’ve enjoyed queer young adult books centering teens and young adults of color such as Picture Us in the Light by Kelly Loy Gilbert and Gives Light by Rose Christo, Tell Me How to Be stands out as one of the first to focus both on an adult queer man of color’s pain and his steps toward healing.
Overall I recommend this book to everyone. Again, I’m so grateful to Neel Patel for writing it. As someone who can sometimes feel hopeless about the state of white supremacy in the world as well as queer men of color’s socioemotional development, I’m feeling hopeful after reading this novel. This hopefulness warms me and reminds me of why I always come back to reading.
Tell Me How to Be follows an Indian American family with roots in a predominantly white Midwestern town. Akash Amin, an R&B songwriter living in Los Angeles, has since moved away from his hometown, yet he still feels a lot of shame about his gayness and how he ended things with the first boy he ever loved back home. Akash’s mother, Renu, also feels shame about a secret relationship she hid from her entire family, especially now as the one-year anniversary of her husband’s death approaches. When Renu decides to move back to London, Akash and his older brother Bijal return to their childhood home to help her pack her things, and in the process Renu and Akash confront the painful, unresolved dynamics of their past so that hopefully, they can move forward.
For the first 50 to 100 pages of this book I honestly wasn’t sure whether I’d give it more than three stars. The transitions between Akash and Renu’s perspectives felt a bit too quick, and a couple of times Patel’s writing struck me as a bit tell-y instead of show-y. However, I found myself completely immersed and impressed with the novel when it transitioned into Part II; I read the remainder of the book in one night, awestruck. Here are the main three things I loved about Tell Me How to Be that have made it one of my favorite novels ever:
1. Patel writes beautifully about how our pasts influence our present behaviors, especially within our relationships. For the first 100 pages of the book or so we witness Akash struggle with a substance use disorder while messing up a bunch of his relationships, while Renu acts somewhat coldly to various people around her, especially Akash. In Part II, Patel does an excellent job of showing how Akash’s childhood experiences of bullying and othering due to his queerness affect his subsequent feelings of shame and disconnection. Similarly, Patel highlights how Renu’s strong will yet gendered difficulty to cultivate agency cut her off from her ideal life, so she then displaces her feelings of anger and frustration onto her family members. The characters in this novel make human mistakes and we witness enough of their backstory to understand why and cultivate empathy. Also, as someone who *loves* a good slow burn romance between queer men of color, I basically died and then was resurrected and then died again with the whole section on Akash and Parth. Like I’m literally writing this review from another world while listening to “I Can’t Stop Me” by Twice because the book resonated with me so much.
2. Patel portrays the effects of racism, classism, homophobia, and other forms of oppression against and within the Indian American community while also showing how his characters resist these damaging forces, all with nuance and from a character-driven perspective. While I initially eye-rolled at the inclusion of Jacob, Akash’s white boyfriend at the beginning of the book, I grew to appreciate both the explicit and subtler ways Patel interweaved issues of racism and other oppressions throughout Tell Me How to Be: Akash’s first love Parth’s initial cruelty toward his own parents for speaking accented English, the way Renu judged Parth’s parents because they owned a motel and lacked class status, how Bijal made a comment or two toward Akash in their childhood years about how Akash better not be gay, etc. At the same time, Patel illustrates how his characters resist oppression, such as Akash’s relationship with Jaden, a queer Black man, as well as through Renu’s refusal to render herself as a submissive Indian American woman in a sea of whiteness (there’s one scene with Renu and her book club that literally made me scream in a good way; if you read the book you’ll know which one I’m referring to.)
3. There’s hope and healing in this novel! Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of pain and loss, hurtful miscommunication, and racism. At the same time, the ending of Tell Me How to Be points to how these characters can reckon with their pasts and take steps toward forgiving themselves to let go of their shame, as well as practice more compassionate communication and actually actively listen to one another. I loved this aspect of the novel especially in relation to Akash’s character, because I feel like so many narratives surrounding queer men only detail queer pain and at times even glorify unhealthy relationships. While I’ve enjoyed queer young adult books centering teens and young adults of color such as Picture Us in the Light by Kelly Loy Gilbert and Gives Light by Rose Christo, Tell Me How to Be stands out as one of the first to focus both on an adult queer man of color’s pain and his steps toward healing.
Overall I recommend this book to everyone. Again, I’m so grateful to Neel Patel for writing it. As someone who can sometimes feel hopeless about the state of white supremacy in the world as well as queer men of color’s socioemotional development, I’m feeling hopeful after reading this novel. This hopefulness warms me and reminds me of why I always come back to reading.
July 23, 2025
"in life, the things we most desire are not always what we need" (Patel 319).
I inhaled this novel. I am a sucker for stories about immigrant families that find peace and closure amidst their cultural differences. I am a sucker for love stories about forbidden love between gay men as they come of age. I am a sucker for stories that weave music in and out of the plot.
This is the story of a mother and son, Renu and Akash. They both struggle to love those who love them in the present because they cannot let go of past loves that have shaped them in becoming the people they are.
In the novel, Renu's husband Ashoke has died. She has invited her sons Bijal and Akash to help pack up the house after she's sold it and is moving from Champaign, IL back to London.
The novel is both the classic story about how Renu assimilated from Tanzania to Western culture. It is about her navigating life from Tanzania, to London, into an arranged marriage with Ashoke, and living in America in loneliness and navigating how white people perceive her as the stoic, Indian housewife when she really has a lot of fire in her belly.
She learns to turn off white people's casual racism and stereotypes, and it's really hilarious how she deals with the women in her book club about them thinking they know more about her culture because they're reading Rohinton Mistry's bleak "A Fine Balance" about the Indian caste system during the years of Indira Gandhi.
Akash is in the closet, but because he is effeminate, his is the classic story of being gay bashed and othered at the same time by his homophobic classmates. He clashes often with Renu and his brother, but gets along with his father who learns about who he is- yet, out of fear and shame, asks him to hold it in.
He feels like a fuckup because he can't decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with his white boyfriend Jacob, or with Jaden, his musician/friends with benefits, happens to be black, friend.
Akash living with Jacob, for sure, like his mother and the book club with white women, that dating a white man means that their well intentioned sermons about finding one's voice is code for sanctimonious airs and refusal to really listen to how someone who is othered feels.
Meanwhile, Bijal has marriage issues of his own, having married a white woman named Jessica whom his mother is often annoyed with.
Both Akash and Renu then shift the book's point of views, alternating between their experiences growing up and coming of age in a society that is built on assimilation and conformity, except both are harboring past loves that haunt them.
Renu has reconnected through Facebook with Kareem, her first love living in London, "It is foolish of me, to expect something more? I don't know where you are or to whom you belong" (Patel 69) and has found herself hoping that they might rekindle their love.
Akash is writing to Parth, a classmate and a distant cousin whom is his first love, and trying to make sense of the tragic night that changed their relationship forever.
Akash also is a budding songwriter, and he is only secure to believe that Jaden's the only one he could trust since they share the commonality of being othered as gay men of color, "we both know what it's like to be part of a world, and simultaneously on the outside of it looking in" (Patel 71).
The novel isn't anything new or innovative, but Patel's storytelling is fearless and speaks of truths that many brown and black communities feel when they often face racism from the white community: micro aggressions, cruel stereotypes, and idiotic expectations that is thrust upon them.
I know I've written this in past reviews, I know what its like to have abusive people who say they're well intentioned, but are purposely hurtful because they think being different isn't normal.
There is a line that Akash says that sums up the heartbreak of the novel that is universal, and clearer than anything, "do you know what it's like to have so much love inside you, and no one to give it to?" (Patel 167).
Sure, we find people who do love us, and people come in and out of our lives. But to actually admit that knowing that its comforting that hope is around the corner doesn't mean our trauma completely heals.
My favorite scenes are the final ones that Akash and Parth have after being apart for years. After one bittersweet night where they consummate their love for one another, and process that awful time of where they both betrayed one another- this scene was raw, tender, and sexy. The novel culminates in the finality of acceptance that love comes and goes.
I connected this moment to my own life that I am lucky to have experienced love, however realistically knowing just because you've had love, it doesn't always mean it will be an always.
Like the song Akash has written, "tell me how to be"- it would be nice that the world could just let people be just that.
Neel Patel has written another gem, a worthy follow up to his mesmerizing and tender story collection "If you see me, don't say hi".
If only we could experience the kind of love that Renu and Kareem had, or the forgiveness and reconciliation that Akash and Parth have- we should be so lucky.
I inhaled this novel. I am a sucker for stories about immigrant families that find peace and closure amidst their cultural differences. I am a sucker for love stories about forbidden love between gay men as they come of age. I am a sucker for stories that weave music in and out of the plot.
This is the story of a mother and son, Renu and Akash. They both struggle to love those who love them in the present because they cannot let go of past loves that have shaped them in becoming the people they are.
In the novel, Renu's husband Ashoke has died. She has invited her sons Bijal and Akash to help pack up the house after she's sold it and is moving from Champaign, IL back to London.
The novel is both the classic story about how Renu assimilated from Tanzania to Western culture. It is about her navigating life from Tanzania, to London, into an arranged marriage with Ashoke, and living in America in loneliness and navigating how white people perceive her as the stoic, Indian housewife when she really has a lot of fire in her belly.
She learns to turn off white people's casual racism and stereotypes, and it's really hilarious how she deals with the women in her book club about them thinking they know more about her culture because they're reading Rohinton Mistry's bleak "A Fine Balance" about the Indian caste system during the years of Indira Gandhi.
Akash is in the closet, but because he is effeminate, his is the classic story of being gay bashed and othered at the same time by his homophobic classmates. He clashes often with Renu and his brother, but gets along with his father who learns about who he is- yet, out of fear and shame, asks him to hold it in.
He feels like a fuckup because he can't decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with his white boyfriend Jacob, or with Jaden, his musician/friends with benefits, happens to be black, friend.
Akash living with Jacob, for sure, like his mother and the book club with white women, that dating a white man means that their well intentioned sermons about finding one's voice is code for sanctimonious airs and refusal to really listen to how someone who is othered feels.
Meanwhile, Bijal has marriage issues of his own, having married a white woman named Jessica whom his mother is often annoyed with.
Both Akash and Renu then shift the book's point of views, alternating between their experiences growing up and coming of age in a society that is built on assimilation and conformity, except both are harboring past loves that haunt them.
Renu has reconnected through Facebook with Kareem, her first love living in London, "It is foolish of me, to expect something more? I don't know where you are or to whom you belong" (Patel 69) and has found herself hoping that they might rekindle their love.
Akash is writing to Parth, a classmate and a distant cousin whom is his first love, and trying to make sense of the tragic night that changed their relationship forever.
Akash also is a budding songwriter, and he is only secure to believe that Jaden's the only one he could trust since they share the commonality of being othered as gay men of color, "we both know what it's like to be part of a world, and simultaneously on the outside of it looking in" (Patel 71).
The novel isn't anything new or innovative, but Patel's storytelling is fearless and speaks of truths that many brown and black communities feel when they often face racism from the white community: micro aggressions, cruel stereotypes, and idiotic expectations that is thrust upon them.
I know I've written this in past reviews, I know what its like to have abusive people who say they're well intentioned, but are purposely hurtful because they think being different isn't normal.
There is a line that Akash says that sums up the heartbreak of the novel that is universal, and clearer than anything, "do you know what it's like to have so much love inside you, and no one to give it to?" (Patel 167).
Sure, we find people who do love us, and people come in and out of our lives. But to actually admit that knowing that its comforting that hope is around the corner doesn't mean our trauma completely heals.
My favorite scenes are the final ones that Akash and Parth have after being apart for years. After one bittersweet night where they consummate their love for one another, and process that awful time of where they both betrayed one another- this scene was raw, tender, and sexy. The novel culminates in the finality of acceptance that love comes and goes.
I connected this moment to my own life that I am lucky to have experienced love, however realistically knowing just because you've had love, it doesn't always mean it will be an always.
Like the song Akash has written, "tell me how to be"- it would be nice that the world could just let people be just that.
Neel Patel has written another gem, a worthy follow up to his mesmerizing and tender story collection "If you see me, don't say hi".
If only we could experience the kind of love that Renu and Kareem had, or the forgiveness and reconciliation that Akash and Parth have- we should be so lucky.
February 27, 2022
Tell Me How to Be
is an emotional, well-written story about secrets, regrets, and coming to terms with the truth.
It’s been one year since Akash’s father died. Living in Los Angeles, mostly estranged from his family, he’s expected home in Illinois for the traditional ceremony celebrating his father. His mother calls and tells him she’s sold their house and will be moving back to London.
In the year since her husband died, Akash’s mother, Renu, has been binge-watching soap operas and longing to tell off everyone around her. She’s also been thinking nonstop about her first love, the man she let get away, and whom she’s longed to be with most of her life. So when she finds him on Facebook, she decides to reach out and see where that path might lead.
Returning home to Illinois is unsettling for Akash, who is adrift in every aspect of his life. He’s kept his sexuality a secret from his family, he’s struggling as a songwriter, and turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism has proven more destructive than soothing. And he can’t seem to stop thinking about his childhood best friend, who broke his heart years before.
As Akash and Renu pack the house up along with Akash’s ultra-successful older brother, they must confront the secrets they’ve kept hidden, the resentments that barely dwell beneath the surface, and accept themselves, flaws and all. It’s amazing how an offhand remark or gesture can scar someone so profoundly.
Having read his debut story collection, I love the way Neel Patel writes. I’ll admit it took me a LONG time to warm up to these characters as they’re not particularly likable, but I’m a sucker for good family drama and unrequited love. Tell Me How to Be is a thought-provoking, insightful read.
See all of my reviews at itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com.
Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/the.bookishworld.of.yrralh/.
It’s been one year since Akash’s father died. Living in Los Angeles, mostly estranged from his family, he’s expected home in Illinois for the traditional ceremony celebrating his father. His mother calls and tells him she’s sold their house and will be moving back to London.
In the year since her husband died, Akash’s mother, Renu, has been binge-watching soap operas and longing to tell off everyone around her. She’s also been thinking nonstop about her first love, the man she let get away, and whom she’s longed to be with most of her life. So when she finds him on Facebook, she decides to reach out and see where that path might lead.
Returning home to Illinois is unsettling for Akash, who is adrift in every aspect of his life. He’s kept his sexuality a secret from his family, he’s struggling as a songwriter, and turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism has proven more destructive than soothing. And he can’t seem to stop thinking about his childhood best friend, who broke his heart years before.
As Akash and Renu pack the house up along with Akash’s ultra-successful older brother, they must confront the secrets they’ve kept hidden, the resentments that barely dwell beneath the surface, and accept themselves, flaws and all. It’s amazing how an offhand remark or gesture can scar someone so profoundly.
Having read his debut story collection, I love the way Neel Patel writes. I’ll admit it took me a LONG time to warm up to these characters as they’re not particularly likable, but I’m a sucker for good family drama and unrequited love. Tell Me How to Be is a thought-provoking, insightful read.
See all of my reviews at itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com.
Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/the.bookishworld.of.yrralh/.
February 7, 2022
Audiobook…..narrated by Vikas Adam
…..12 hours and 34 minutes
FANTASTIC!!!! extraordinary look at complicated relationships….
“Some doors can never be closed, no matter how hard you slam them, they always find a way of opening back up”
I’ve read many immigrant stories - many Indian-American family stories — LGBTQIA stories —
….many poignant, hilarious, serious, heartbreaking, riveting, deeply intimate stories….
…..I also listen to many Audiobooks….
And “Tell Me How to Be”….is one of ‘the best’ of all of them….
The book/audiobook is BRILLIANT….WONDERFUL….ADDICTING….searing & piercing….
…..
ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUDIOBOOK-listening experience EVER!
I can’t say enough about this book ….
It’s ‘laugh-out-loud’ funny at times - other times so sad, I found myself crying.
A remarkable mother — A remarkable son….
Completely unpretentious, whip-smart, sometimes cruel, resonates, and is very vivid readable.
Neel Patel, (with superpowers), writes about the Indian/American experience of oppression, identity, loss, betrayals, regrets, family and cultural history, many facets of withheld secrets, hiding, guilt, anger, fear, tenderness, forgiveness, and love > a little ‘90’s R&B music 🎶 glee…some food-funnies … even candid jabs at Americans nutty behaviors…
WITH SOME OF THE BEST TOP NOTCH BRILLIANT HUMOR -that I’ve read in years (not in vain- not ‘haha’ slapstick, rather nail biting ‘humbling-gut truthful’)….
such fabulous humor - it would spoil it to share the excerpts.…
….with wonderful multifaceted characters….
It’s all a compassionate attempt to understand and make peace with oneself…..
Perfect ending….
….perhaps an opening for book 2? I’d jump on board instantly!
Highly recommend- A FAVORITE AUDIOBOOK!
…..12 hours and 34 minutes
FANTASTIC!!!! extraordinary look at complicated relationships….
“Some doors can never be closed, no matter how hard you slam them, they always find a way of opening back up”
I’ve read many immigrant stories - many Indian-American family stories — LGBTQIA stories —
….many poignant, hilarious, serious, heartbreaking, riveting, deeply intimate stories….
…..I also listen to many Audiobooks….
And “Tell Me How to Be”….is one of ‘the best’ of all of them….
The book/audiobook is BRILLIANT….WONDERFUL….ADDICTING….searing & piercing….
…..
ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUDIOBOOK-listening experience EVER!
I can’t say enough about this book ….
It’s ‘laugh-out-loud’ funny at times - other times so sad, I found myself crying.
A remarkable mother — A remarkable son….
Completely unpretentious, whip-smart, sometimes cruel, resonates, and is very vivid readable.
Neel Patel, (with superpowers), writes about the Indian/American experience of oppression, identity, loss, betrayals, regrets, family and cultural history, many facets of withheld secrets, hiding, guilt, anger, fear, tenderness, forgiveness, and love > a little ‘90’s R&B music 🎶 glee…some food-funnies … even candid jabs at Americans nutty behaviors…
WITH SOME OF THE BEST TOP NOTCH BRILLIANT HUMOR -that I’ve read in years (not in vain- not ‘haha’ slapstick, rather nail biting ‘humbling-gut truthful’)….
such fabulous humor - it would spoil it to share the excerpts.…
….with wonderful multifaceted characters….
It’s all a compassionate attempt to understand and make peace with oneself…..
Perfect ending….
….perhaps an opening for book 2? I’d jump on board instantly!
Highly recommend- A FAVORITE AUDIOBOOK!
February 6, 2022
2.5, rounded up.
Although I gave the author's debut short story collection 4 stars and was eager to see what he might accomplish in a longer format, for much of his debut novel I was antsy and at times considered DNF-ing it. Aside from the fact I found the alternating mother and son narrators both rather unlikeable, the storyline seemed to drag on forever, and then have spurts of melodrama that reminded me of Renu's beloved soap opera in their ridiculous over-the-top-ness.
The other thing I could not relate to at all was the incessant underscoring and references from 80's and 90's hip-hop, rap and R & B - none of which I knew. Oddly, Patel also repeats something here he did in two of his short stories - having characters who are either doctors or hotel owners - a weird tic that is probably (along with the East African parentage) autobiographical. Until the ending, which I'll admit did go places I didn't expect and gave the sappiness a much-needed bittersweetness, I was thinking this would be a 2-star book - but I grudgingly upped it to 3. And one can't help but wonder if the author has now shot his wad (so to speak) or can move on to new territories.
Although I gave the author's debut short story collection 4 stars and was eager to see what he might accomplish in a longer format, for much of his debut novel I was antsy and at times considered DNF-ing it. Aside from the fact I found the alternating mother and son narrators both rather unlikeable, the storyline seemed to drag on forever, and then have spurts of melodrama that reminded me of Renu's beloved soap opera in their ridiculous over-the-top-ness.
The other thing I could not relate to at all was the incessant underscoring and references from 80's and 90's hip-hop, rap and R & B - none of which I knew. Oddly, Patel also repeats something here he did in two of his short stories - having characters who are either doctors or hotel owners - a weird tic that is probably (along with the East African parentage) autobiographical. Until the ending, which I'll admit did go places I didn't expect and gave the sappiness a much-needed bittersweetness, I was thinking this would be a 2-star book - but I grudgingly upped it to 3. And one can't help but wonder if the author has now shot his wad (so to speak) or can move on to new territories.
December 11, 2021
The book felt much longer than it actually is because of the slow progression and the mundane feeling all the unhappy characters radiated. Some of the chapters were completely pointless and added nothing to the story. The only character that had some development was Akash and I didn't even like him very much.
I was hoping for a much better, redeeming ending but it fell completely flat.
I was hoping for a much better, redeeming ending but it fell completely flat.
October 7, 2022
my review from my second read is at the bottom.
5 stars for this much needed queer, indian story
CW:
Tell Me How To Be feels like a book to read over and over again, and compare with my current thoughts and previous annotations. i’m so glad this book exists. there’s plenty in here that i don’t relate to, but so many of the big and small aspects really really help me with understanding myself -along with A Place For Us, The Death of Vivek Oji and Blue Skinned Gods.
in the acknowledgements, Neel Patel was thanking all the people who helped him with his writing process, as all authors do. my only thought was no, thank you Neel Patel, for writing Tell Me How To Be and giving queer indians the representation we need, especially because The Jasmine Throne was such a disappointment.
the novel is told through a dual POV. the first POV is Akash, a 28 year old wannabe music producer who’s living with his 37 year old boyfriend, Jacob, in Los Angeles and struggling with alcoholism and debt. The other POV is Renu, Akash’s and his older brother, Bijal’s, mother, who’s moving from Illinois to London, one year after the passing of her husband, Ashok.
both POVs were well developed and i didn’t feel like one overshadowed the other, unlike some books with multiple POVs like The Yield, Spinning Silver and Butter Honey Pig Bread. i did find Akash’s POV more interesting though, because he’s personally more relatable and likeable than Renu.
the Amin family is a fairly typical rich, indian, immigrant family. they are Hindu and Gujarati and involved in their growing, local Gujarati community.
Renu is in love with Kareem, a Muslim man she met in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and later dated in London. to be honest, Renu’s feelings towards Kareem never really came to life for me. maybe that’s because i’m completely detached from the concept of sending letters . Renu refers to Kareem as “you” throughout her chapters.
while Renu spends a lot of time thinking about Kareem, she obviously spends more time with the people who are actually in her life. Renu’s best friend is Chaya whom Renu has a lot in common with. i detested Chaya, but i guess she’s a good friend to Renu (and no one else).
Renu is also part of a women’s book club for reasons that are totally beyond me. she never reads any of the assigned books and obviously doesn’t get along with any of the posturing, white feminists.
"Everything was beautiful in my house, or worthy of some larger discussion about politics or art. It’s a bowl, I wanted to say, when Becca picked up a silver dish and moaned.
"Is this from Rajasthan?" she said. "I heard they have the most exquisite dishware."
"It’s from T.J. Maxx."
"Oh."
some things Renu did were really hurtful, apart from the expected homophobia, transphobia and (internalised) misogyny.
so, that’s all of my thoughts on Renu. onto the painfully relatable life of Akash.
at the beginning of the novel, Akash is living with Jacob in a stilted relationship. as Jaden, Akash’s friend, points out, it does seem like Jacob is Akash’s sugar daddy. Akash has very deep feelings of inadequacy and shame surrounding this relationship and his non-career of producing music.
in addition, Akash still carries painfully shameful memories of his relationship with Parth, his first crush, from when he was a teenager. like Renu speaking to Kareem, Akash refers to Parth throughout his chapters as “you”.
towards the beginning, Renu calls Akash and his older brother Bijal back home to help her pack and move to London. this news comes as a shock to the brothers and leads to many long overdue interactions between Akash, Renu, Bijal, Parth, Kareem and Chaya upon coming back to their childhood home.
i found it strange how Akash and Bijal call their parents “Mom” and “Dad” in english. sure i’m not Gujarati or American, but i don’t know anyone, who speaks a language other than English at home, who calls their parents in English. i feel like it’s a very small quibble, but it did kind of throw me off at times.
overall, Tell Me How To Be is everything i hoped for in a contemporary, realistic novel centred on a queer south asian character.
review from second read
hmm it didn’t affect me nearly as much as my first read. this time, i actually hated all the characters -Renu, Akash and Bijal - until about halfway. from that point, i felt a bit of their humanity and started to care about Renu and Akash.
i think the ending is really sweet, and i appreciate how the closure gained across all relationships is slightly more positive than is realistic. while i was throughly invested in Akash’s story throughout my first read, this time i didn’t feel for him across all his emotional ups and downs. it was only when we started seeing the flashbacks with Parth that i began to make sense of Akash’s character.
a big factor for hating Akash and Bijal for half the book came from them disrespecting Indian and Hindu culture. how anyone can say Indian food is disgusting?? and making fun of prayers is just so rude, even if you don’t believe in them.
overall, Tell Me How To Be is a 4 star read now. i liked the story and setting, but didn’t love it like last time.
5 stars for this much needed queer, indian story
CW:
Tell Me How To Be feels like a book to read over and over again, and compare with my current thoughts and previous annotations. i’m so glad this book exists. there’s plenty in here that i don’t relate to, but so many of the big and small aspects really really help me with understanding myself -along with A Place For Us, The Death of Vivek Oji and Blue Skinned Gods.
in the acknowledgements, Neel Patel was thanking all the people who helped him with his writing process, as all authors do. my only thought was no, thank you Neel Patel, for writing Tell Me How To Be and giving queer indians the representation we need, especially because The Jasmine Throne was such a disappointment.
the novel is told through a dual POV. the first POV is Akash, a 28 year old wannabe music producer who’s living with his 37 year old boyfriend, Jacob, in Los Angeles and struggling with alcoholism and debt. The other POV is Renu, Akash’s and his older brother, Bijal’s, mother, who’s moving from Illinois to London, one year after the passing of her husband, Ashok.
both POVs were well developed and i didn’t feel like one overshadowed the other, unlike some books with multiple POVs like The Yield, Spinning Silver and Butter Honey Pig Bread. i did find Akash’s POV more interesting though, because he’s personally more relatable and likeable than Renu.
the Amin family is a fairly typical rich, indian, immigrant family. they are Hindu and Gujarati and involved in their growing, local Gujarati community.
Renu is in love with Kareem, a Muslim man she met in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and later dated in London. to be honest, Renu’s feelings towards Kareem never really came to life for me. maybe that’s because i’m completely detached from the concept of sending letters . Renu refers to Kareem as “you” throughout her chapters.
while Renu spends a lot of time thinking about Kareem, she obviously spends more time with the people who are actually in her life. Renu’s best friend is Chaya whom Renu has a lot in common with. i detested Chaya, but i guess she’s a good friend to Renu (and no one else).
Renu is also part of a women’s book club for reasons that are totally beyond me. she never reads any of the assigned books and obviously doesn’t get along with any of the posturing, white feminists.
"Everything was beautiful in my house, or worthy of some larger discussion about politics or art. It’s a bowl, I wanted to say, when Becca picked up a silver dish and moaned.
"Is this from Rajasthan?" she said. "I heard they have the most exquisite dishware."
"It’s from T.J. Maxx."
"Oh."
some things Renu did were really hurtful, apart from the expected homophobia, transphobia and (internalised) misogyny.
so, that’s all of my thoughts on Renu. onto the painfully relatable life of Akash.
at the beginning of the novel, Akash is living with Jacob in a stilted relationship. as Jaden, Akash’s friend, points out, it does seem like Jacob is Akash’s sugar daddy. Akash has very deep feelings of inadequacy and shame surrounding this relationship and his non-career of producing music.
in addition, Akash still carries painfully shameful memories of his relationship with Parth, his first crush, from when he was a teenager. like Renu speaking to Kareem, Akash refers to Parth throughout his chapters as “you”.
towards the beginning, Renu calls Akash and his older brother Bijal back home to help her pack and move to London. this news comes as a shock to the brothers and leads to many long overdue interactions between Akash, Renu, Bijal, Parth, Kareem and Chaya upon coming back to their childhood home.
i found it strange how Akash and Bijal call their parents “Mom” and “Dad” in english. sure i’m not Gujarati or American, but i don’t know anyone, who speaks a language other than English at home, who calls their parents in English. i feel like it’s a very small quibble, but it did kind of throw me off at times.
overall, Tell Me How To Be is everything i hoped for in a contemporary, realistic novel centred on a queer south asian character.
review from second read
hmm it didn’t affect me nearly as much as my first read. this time, i actually hated all the characters -Renu, Akash and Bijal - until about halfway. from that point, i felt a bit of their humanity and started to care about Renu and Akash.
i think the ending is really sweet, and i appreciate how the closure gained across all relationships is slightly more positive than is realistic. while i was throughly invested in Akash’s story throughout my first read, this time i didn’t feel for him across all his emotional ups and downs. it was only when we started seeing the flashbacks with Parth that i began to make sense of Akash’s character.
a big factor for hating Akash and Bijal for half the book came from them disrespecting Indian and Hindu culture. how anyone can say Indian food is disgusting?? and making fun of prayers is just so rude, even if you don’t believe in them.
overall, Tell Me How To Be is a 4 star read now. i liked the story and setting, but didn’t love it like last time.
January 16, 2022
A perfectly constructed book. The interplay between the son’s narration and his mother’s was *chef’s kiss*… I am so glad this humane and tender book exists.
December 27, 2021
Neel Patel's debut novel Tell Me How to Be is a slow burn of self-reflection accompanied by firecrackers of emotional unrest.
Akash is on his last leg in L.A. - struggling with alcoholism, without a job, and in a loveless relationship with a man who doesn’t understand him but bound to him out of necessity - when he has to return to rural Illinois for his dead father's puja. Back in Illinois his mother, Renu, is packing up her house to sell so that she can move back to London when she is suddenly reminded of her first love: Kareem. Akash returns home and must deal with his past actions and his desire to come out to his family. Renu must similarly confront her past and come to terms with the realities she's lived.
Tell Me How to Be is a beautiful and reflective story that explores the dynamics of family dysfunction and the ways in which past traumas color our experiences (and coping mechanisms). And Patel's writing is compelling: the story moves quickly with many twists and completely unforeseen events. The end of the story is not necessarily what one would expect or hope but that works for this book and makes it all the more compelling. While at times the story lacks transitions making the story feel "clunky" and certain elements (like Akash's alcoholism) remain unexplained and (very) unconvincingly addressed and moved on from, the book itself is good and worth the read.
Akash is on his last leg in L.A. - struggling with alcoholism, without a job, and in a loveless relationship with a man who doesn’t understand him but bound to him out of necessity - when he has to return to rural Illinois for his dead father's puja. Back in Illinois his mother, Renu, is packing up her house to sell so that she can move back to London when she is suddenly reminded of her first love: Kareem. Akash returns home and must deal with his past actions and his desire to come out to his family. Renu must similarly confront her past and come to terms with the realities she's lived.
Tell Me How to Be is a beautiful and reflective story that explores the dynamics of family dysfunction and the ways in which past traumas color our experiences (and coping mechanisms). And Patel's writing is compelling: the story moves quickly with many twists and completely unforeseen events. The end of the story is not necessarily what one would expect or hope but that works for this book and makes it all the more compelling. While at times the story lacks transitions making the story feel "clunky" and certain elements (like Akash's alcoholism) remain unexplained and (very) unconvincingly addressed and moved on from, the book itself is good and worth the read.
December 30, 2023
https://www.instagram.com/p/CvZ0eYGrZ...
A moving novel of reconciliation and healing. Filled with secrets and regrets, resentments and misunderstandings, Tell Me How to Be is a raw account of longing for loves lost, for everything that could have been, a testament to the strength of culture and motherly love, and the power of forgiveness and truth. Equal parts sarcastic and somber, this debut handles the nuances of people embittered by grief, missed chances, the building of trust and vulnerability, the tiny steps we learn to take for a better tomorrow, a new life. This is a novel that is a moving urge to let go of the past while honoring it, to pursue self expression and personal goals, to live authentically. This is a strong novel that radiates with personality and emotion.
A moving novel of reconciliation and healing. Filled with secrets and regrets, resentments and misunderstandings, Tell Me How to Be is a raw account of longing for loves lost, for everything that could have been, a testament to the strength of culture and motherly love, and the power of forgiveness and truth. Equal parts sarcastic and somber, this debut handles the nuances of people embittered by grief, missed chances, the building of trust and vulnerability, the tiny steps we learn to take for a better tomorrow, a new life. This is a novel that is a moving urge to let go of the past while honoring it, to pursue self expression and personal goals, to live authentically. This is a strong novel that radiates with personality and emotion.
December 28, 2021
Another read from my NetGalley backlog! I really like the first cover because it reflects the alternating povs between a recent widow who is moving back to London after a lifetime in Chicago, and her son who is a bit estranged after ruining his brother's wedding.
But the truth is not as it appears. The characters appear as Indian American but the Mom (Renu) actually grew up in Tanzania, where she fell in love with a Muslim man who was forbidden but never forgotten. Her son Akash has been pursuing a music career in Los Angeles, but he's in the closet, barely getting by, and (not effectively) hiding his problems with alcohol.
Both are keeping secrets from the other, and first they are revealed to the reader and then they are revealed to the characters - this happened a bit slowly for my tastes but other readers did not find it so.
It's not that I didn't find the characters engaging, though, just found the pacing slow. I appreciated the nuance and contrast in each character and the hypocrisy of pursuing drama in what is consumed but not wanting it in ones actual life. Since the story revolves around the puja marking the one-year anniversary of the father's passing, both characters are reflecting on their lives and identities in ways I found to be authentic, particularly in their ultimate decisions and conclusions, which are best discovered by the reader.
But the truth is not as it appears. The characters appear as Indian American but the Mom (Renu) actually grew up in Tanzania, where she fell in love with a Muslim man who was forbidden but never forgotten. Her son Akash has been pursuing a music career in Los Angeles, but he's in the closet, barely getting by, and (not effectively) hiding his problems with alcohol.
Both are keeping secrets from the other, and first they are revealed to the reader and then they are revealed to the characters - this happened a bit slowly for my tastes but other readers did not find it so.
It's not that I didn't find the characters engaging, though, just found the pacing slow. I appreciated the nuance and contrast in each character and the hypocrisy of pursuing drama in what is consumed but not wanting it in ones actual life. Since the story revolves around the puja marking the one-year anniversary of the father's passing, both characters are reflecting on their lives and identities in ways I found to be authentic, particularly in their ultimate decisions and conclusions, which are best discovered by the reader.
February 27, 2022
Rarely do I come across books, especially in LGBTQ+ literature that has a nuanced story with gripping characters. Tell Me How To Be was an absolute stunner.
Following the mother-son duo, Akash, an Indian-Britisher who lives in the States and is trying to become a songwriter, and Renu, a recent widow and someone who is pondering on the "What if" moments, Tell Me How To Be is a book filled with heart, humour and some heartbreaks.
I was captivated by the story right from the first chapter - something that doesn't really happen as much as I'd want to -- and I just couldn't not finish the book in one sitting! Patel's easy to consume and easy to digest writing with raw honesty and vulnerable moments managed to stay with me even after I kept the book down.
There were several things that I enjoyed about this book, but perhaps the most important of them all is the characterisations. Such multifaceted and fundamentally flawed characters were a treat to follow. Both Renu and Akash have the longest and the most complicated character arcs, and despite certain not so enjoyable and messy actions by them, you still begin to care for them. You understand them. You understand why they do what they do.
Besides highlighting the unique Indian culture that this family has come to cultivate, Patel also focuses largely on relevant issues such as homophobia, casteism, and racism. All of these are carefully woven into the plot, and at no time do they feel out-of-place or forced.
I also liked how family dynamics have been handled here. Akash's past and present constantly collide and it's not until the end of the second act that you figure out the backstory. For some, this can be a long wait. For me personally, I didn't care. I loved what I was reading and so, even though I was twice more interested in finding out more about Akash than Renu, I still enjoyed following Renu's chapters and her life.
The exploration of first love and heartbreaks for both mother and son was also something that I was invested in. I particularly liked how Patel did not give us the happily-ever-afters but still gave us those bittersweet and hopeful endings. It made this story, this book, very real.
If you are looking for a book that will not only just entertain you, but is also something that can teach you a thing or do about forgiveness, healing and heart, then Tell Me How To Be should absolutely be on your bookshelf.
Following the mother-son duo, Akash, an Indian-Britisher who lives in the States and is trying to become a songwriter, and Renu, a recent widow and someone who is pondering on the "What if" moments, Tell Me How To Be is a book filled with heart, humour and some heartbreaks.
I was captivated by the story right from the first chapter - something that doesn't really happen as much as I'd want to -- and I just couldn't not finish the book in one sitting! Patel's easy to consume and easy to digest writing with raw honesty and vulnerable moments managed to stay with me even after I kept the book down.
There were several things that I enjoyed about this book, but perhaps the most important of them all is the characterisations. Such multifaceted and fundamentally flawed characters were a treat to follow. Both Renu and Akash have the longest and the most complicated character arcs, and despite certain not so enjoyable and messy actions by them, you still begin to care for them. You understand them. You understand why they do what they do.
Besides highlighting the unique Indian culture that this family has come to cultivate, Patel also focuses largely on relevant issues such as homophobia, casteism, and racism. All of these are carefully woven into the plot, and at no time do they feel out-of-place or forced.
I also liked how family dynamics have been handled here. Akash's past and present constantly collide and it's not until the end of the second act that you figure out the backstory. For some, this can be a long wait. For me personally, I didn't care. I loved what I was reading and so, even though I was twice more interested in finding out more about Akash than Renu, I still enjoyed following Renu's chapters and her life.
The exploration of first love and heartbreaks for both mother and son was also something that I was invested in. I particularly liked how Patel did not give us the happily-ever-afters but still gave us those bittersweet and hopeful endings. It made this story, this book, very real.
If you are looking for a book that will not only just entertain you, but is also something that can teach you a thing or do about forgiveness, healing and heart, then Tell Me How To Be should absolutely be on your bookshelf.
March 20, 2022
I read this book because it was the first ever Lilly’s Library book club pick, and WOW! It did not disappoint! It’s so easy to fall in love with these characters from the first page.
Now, are they likeable? Yes and no. Renu is a tough character, morally grey, I guess would be the right term. She’s held on to the “what-if” for so long, and her actions during Akash’s childhood does strip away some of the empathy we may have had for her. With that being said, she did grow up in a different time, so is it really her fault? I spent a lot of the book either feeling sad and hopeful for her or feeling angry and annoyed with her.
Dear, sweet Akash. He’s had a tough time, and his vices speak for themselves. His story is more of a mystery, and we get to know the bulk of it in part two, which features his young adulthood. I really felt for him, and although his ending is great in the book, it also sucked a bit at the same time.
Renu and Akash spend most of the novel not understanding each other and walking on eggshells, but their lives are very similar. Is this a literary device? No idea, but I really loved seeing the similarities between them, and how different they are based on gender and sexuality.
If you love character driven novels that deal with tough topics and a story full of family drama, I highly suggest this book. It was so fantastic, the writing was great, and although it’s a bit of a slower pace, the characters are completely worth it, getting a real look into what it’s like to be an Other in America.
CW: This book deals with homophobic themes, micro aggressions, alcohol abuse, and substance use.
Now, are they likeable? Yes and no. Renu is a tough character, morally grey, I guess would be the right term. She’s held on to the “what-if” for so long, and her actions during Akash’s childhood does strip away some of the empathy we may have had for her. With that being said, she did grow up in a different time, so is it really her fault? I spent a lot of the book either feeling sad and hopeful for her or feeling angry and annoyed with her.
Dear, sweet Akash. He’s had a tough time, and his vices speak for themselves. His story is more of a mystery, and we get to know the bulk of it in part two, which features his young adulthood. I really felt for him, and although his ending is great in the book, it also sucked a bit at the same time.
Renu and Akash spend most of the novel not understanding each other and walking on eggshells, but their lives are very similar. Is this a literary device? No idea, but I really loved seeing the similarities between them, and how different they are based on gender and sexuality.
If you love character driven novels that deal with tough topics and a story full of family drama, I highly suggest this book. It was so fantastic, the writing was great, and although it’s a bit of a slower pace, the characters are completely worth it, getting a real look into what it’s like to be an Other in America.
CW: This book deals with homophobic themes, micro aggressions, alcohol abuse, and substance use.
December 31, 2021
An enjoyable read.
October 26, 2021
Won an ARC of this book from Goodreads and thoroughly enjoyed it. Renu is a recent widow, who's sold her house, and plans to move back to London. Her sons, Akash and Bijal, come home to help pack up and clean out the house. Everyone in the family is keeping secrets - Renu is still in love with the man she knew before being pushed into an arranged marriage and is trying to reconnect with him; Akash is gay (living in L.A. with his partner), but hasn't come out to his family; Bijal's marriage is in trouble. The story is told in alternating sections, in first person and present tense, by Akash and Renu. This can sometimes be difficult, but here it works for the most part (a couple of times, I had to make sure which character was narrating). The sections are mainly very short; the book's not broken into chapters, but four parts, and we get a lot of backstory through flashbacks as the characters reflect on their lives. The family is Indian-American, and a number of foreign language (Hindi?) phrases are peppered throughout, which aren't translated or explained. I'd say the meaning is clear about half the time. Akash is a struggling songwriter, in the vein of modern R'n'B/hip-hop, and a lot of his character is revealed through songs he references. I knew almost none of the songs mentioned, but I still felt like I understood the character. I liked the story and not everything is tied up neatly at the end, which I also appreciated. I found the novel to be an interesting look into a subculture that I know little about.
January 2, 2022
The best books touch your heart, tell a captivating story, and teach you something new. This book accomplishes all three. This is the story of a family who immigrated from India to Tanzania to London to an unnamed, small Midwestern town. The story alternates between Ashak, the youngest son to Renu, his mother. They both fall in love with someone their culture does not accept nor allow. Renu falls in love with a Muslim Indian, while her son, Ashak falls in love with a young man. Their stories are heartfelt and beautiful. What makes the story so engaging is the way in which Neel Patel writes these two characters, and the rest of the story and their family. To me, this was a story about the secrets families keep from each other to “protect” and shield them from knowing their truths. Although I absolutely loved this book, there were a few details that did not work for me and that is why I gave it a 4 star rather than a 5 star rating. I highly recommend this novel to those who enjoy well-developed character driven stories and certainly look forward to reading more of Mr.Patel’s work in the future.
January 1, 2022
This was my last read of the year 2021 and I enjoyed it a great deal. This read was compelling; the storycrafting enticed me to keep reading. I felt like I was lunging in a bobsled and still hungry for more speed.
Briefly, a mother and adult son pine for someone in their respective pasts. Alternating chapters directly address said lost love. I like the resolution in one case and I understood the other one.
Neel's writing is smart and insightful, and always bittersweet and often poetic; his plotting intricate and strategic. He confidently and tenderly captures the psychological and emotional experiences of being a minority in the US. The pain and anger are spot-on.
Two of the funniest scenes and premises were when the book club selected A Fine Balance and Renu's "read" of Taylor and the other well-meaning but tone-deaf white women and when Renu tells a curious Bijal about an aunty who Renu then expresses sympathy for because aunty has a bacterial infection "down there."
I thought Akash's descriptions of drinking and being drunk (but not sick) were particularly intriguing...they made me want a drink or some. And his descriptions of men were captivating, e.g., toffee, butterscotch, honeyed.
(I think this title is significantly better than his short story collection. His writing needs the space of a full novel.)
Several quotes (warning: spoilers possible)
...On TV, white women tell us to remove the seeds and ribs--otherwise it'll be too spicy.
"Oh, for god's sake," I want to tell them. "Just eat a bell pepper."
...I keep my mouth shut. Don't make waves, Ashok liked to say. Don't act fresh off the boat, Bijal whined. Don't rock the boat, Mom, Akash once said. Just chill. I don't understand this American obsession with boats.
...What does A Fine Balance--a book about poverty and corruption in India--have to do with me? I have never lived in India. I have no interest in poverty. White people, on the other hand, love it--especially when it's abroad...
...I realize that once I'm gone, away from this place with its cornfields and strip malls and Chinese restaurants named after feelings I have rarely felt--Happy, Lucky, Joy--I will never look back...
...He was nothing like you, with your honeyed skin, your feline eyes. Your thick brows had little space between them, lending you a severe expression. People often asked if you were sure you were Indian--if you weren't Persian or Italian instead. I envied you this access to other selves. Because it meant something to be Italian. It meant something to be Persian. It meant something to be Mexican or Spanish or Greek. It meant nothing to be Indian.
...My mother had always complained about how flat Illinois was, how there was nothing to see, nowhere to go, but it was this nothingness that arrested me. A place with no beginning and no end.
I had hoped we would grow even closer, that the heat of summer would form a binding slick, fusing us together, but there was always something in the way. Did you not see through it, Parth? The way I drank you in. The way your smile glanced off my eyes like shards of light. That's what you were. You were a light so rich and golden you gleamed from within...
...You were there each time in your plated armor; I was always unarmed. You laughed and ran and leapt with other boys, and I watched you from afar. Do you know what it's like to lose a part of yourself, only to find that part in everyone else?...
(White woman Taylor asks Renu what she thinks of A Fine Balance, which Renu has not read)
Renu: "Oh, it's just so..." A word catches my eye. "Poignant."
"Mm," Taylor says. "Go on..."
It really makes you think, you know?""Yes..."
"About life--and everything in it."
"Life is hard.""Oh yes," I say, gaining traction. "Especially for..." I drop my voice to a whisper. "Third-world people."
...I've kept these things from her for the same reason a curtain falls at the end of a performance: at some point, the show is over. We choose what we want people to know.
...Chop onions finely and fry them in hot oil. I'll tell you one trick: fry them till they almost burn. The darker the onions, the deeper the flavor. The richer the curry. The better the dish. Cook your tomatoes until they blister and split, until the oil separates, glistening over top. A curry is like a hard-earned life; the longer you cook it, the wiser it becomes. Listen carefully, or you'll miss the best bits.
Briefly, a mother and adult son pine for someone in their respective pasts. Alternating chapters directly address said lost love. I like the resolution in one case and I understood the other one.
Neel's writing is smart and insightful, and always bittersweet and often poetic; his plotting intricate and strategic. He confidently and tenderly captures the psychological and emotional experiences of being a minority in the US. The pain and anger are spot-on.
Two of the funniest scenes and premises were when the book club selected A Fine Balance and Renu's "read" of Taylor and the other well-meaning but tone-deaf white women and when Renu tells a curious Bijal about an aunty who Renu then expresses sympathy for because aunty has a bacterial infection "down there."
I thought Akash's descriptions of drinking and being drunk (but not sick) were particularly intriguing...they made me want a drink or some. And his descriptions of men were captivating, e.g., toffee, butterscotch, honeyed.
(I think this title is significantly better than his short story collection. His writing needs the space of a full novel.)
Several quotes (warning: spoilers possible)
...On TV, white women tell us to remove the seeds and ribs--otherwise it'll be too spicy.
"Oh, for god's sake," I want to tell them. "Just eat a bell pepper."
...I keep my mouth shut. Don't make waves, Ashok liked to say. Don't act fresh off the boat, Bijal whined. Don't rock the boat, Mom, Akash once said. Just chill. I don't understand this American obsession with boats.
...What does A Fine Balance--a book about poverty and corruption in India--have to do with me? I have never lived in India. I have no interest in poverty. White people, on the other hand, love it--especially when it's abroad...
...I realize that once I'm gone, away from this place with its cornfields and strip malls and Chinese restaurants named after feelings I have rarely felt--Happy, Lucky, Joy--I will never look back...
...He was nothing like you, with your honeyed skin, your feline eyes. Your thick brows had little space between them, lending you a severe expression. People often asked if you were sure you were Indian--if you weren't Persian or Italian instead. I envied you this access to other selves. Because it meant something to be Italian. It meant something to be Persian. It meant something to be Mexican or Spanish or Greek. It meant nothing to be Indian.
...My mother had always complained about how flat Illinois was, how there was nothing to see, nowhere to go, but it was this nothingness that arrested me. A place with no beginning and no end.
I had hoped we would grow even closer, that the heat of summer would form a binding slick, fusing us together, but there was always something in the way. Did you not see through it, Parth? The way I drank you in. The way your smile glanced off my eyes like shards of light. That's what you were. You were a light so rich and golden you gleamed from within...
...You were there each time in your plated armor; I was always unarmed. You laughed and ran and leapt with other boys, and I watched you from afar. Do you know what it's like to lose a part of yourself, only to find that part in everyone else?...
(White woman Taylor asks Renu what she thinks of A Fine Balance, which Renu has not read)
Renu: "Oh, it's just so..." A word catches my eye. "Poignant."
"Mm," Taylor says. "Go on..."
It really makes you think, you know?""Yes..."
"About life--and everything in it."
"Life is hard.""Oh yes," I say, gaining traction. "Especially for..." I drop my voice to a whisper. "Third-world people."
...I've kept these things from her for the same reason a curtain falls at the end of a performance: at some point, the show is over. We choose what we want people to know.
...Chop onions finely and fry them in hot oil. I'll tell you one trick: fry them till they almost burn. The darker the onions, the deeper the flavor. The richer the curry. The better the dish. Cook your tomatoes until they blister and split, until the oil separates, glistening over top. A curry is like a hard-earned life; the longer you cook it, the wiser it becomes. Listen carefully, or you'll miss the best bits.
January 18, 2022
“In life, the things we most desire are not always what we need.”
In the weeks since I finished TELL ME HOW TO BE, the music of this story has continued to captivate me, both literally and figuratively. I’ve been listening to a playlist of late 90s/early aughts R&B songs mentioned in the book, yes; and the emotional arc of the story has been looping through me, a scene from the story popping up like a favorite multilayered lyric, a quote from a character caught in my thoughts like a particularly addictive hook. It’s a stunning novel about romantic love and regret, family ties and long-held secrets, and ultimately the power of forgiveness, healing, and moving on from the past.
TELL ME HOW TO BE introduces us to the Amin family, a year after Ashok’s death. The story is told from two perspectives: Renu, his wife, and Akash, his son. Renu is figuring out what life is like for her after the structure of marriage and preparing to leave Illinois to return to London. Akash, a queer man and aspiring music producer, is at a liminal point in his career, deep in a unsatisfying relationship, and drinking more than he wants to be. Both are also preoccupied by a past love that was thwarted and which, for different reasons, they are unable to let go of. When Renu and Akash are reunited with Akash’s older brother Bijal to honor Ashok and pack up their family home, long-simmering tensions in the family rise to the surface.
There are so many pieces to this book that are expertly woven together: growing up queer and the layers of homophobia, internally and externally; the varied experiences of an Indian-American family, especially what’s it’s like to be a young kid dealing with pressure to assimilate and the oppressive whiteness of feminism; how conflicts between siblings emerge, solidify, and break down; learning how to identify and face down your demons, whether shame, remorse, or grief. The structure and pacing of the novel work so well - the alternating perspectives, pulling us back and forth between characters, sometimes with short chapters that keep the pace clipping along and sometimes longer ones that sink you deep into the emotions of a single moment. The way Renu and Akash’s stories mirror each other, even while they cannot see and understand each other, is so poignant. The use of the second person interspersed with first person is genius; it’s evocative, eliciting in the reader the same sense of haunting that Renu and Akash are feeling. I loved the way the different pieces of their stories come together as the novel progresses, unfolding the underlying reasons for the tensions within the family, the events that have taken root and shaped the characters into who they are now, and providing opportunities for those entrenched feelings and relationships to change.
It’s beautiful and heartbreaking, I laughed and I cried, and I don’t expect to forget this story for a very long time. Thank you Flatiron Books and Macmillan Audio for the review copy and ALC!
Content warnings: bullying, racism, homophobia, miscarriage, death of a loved one, grief
In the weeks since I finished TELL ME HOW TO BE, the music of this story has continued to captivate me, both literally and figuratively. I’ve been listening to a playlist of late 90s/early aughts R&B songs mentioned in the book, yes; and the emotional arc of the story has been looping through me, a scene from the story popping up like a favorite multilayered lyric, a quote from a character caught in my thoughts like a particularly addictive hook. It’s a stunning novel about romantic love and regret, family ties and long-held secrets, and ultimately the power of forgiveness, healing, and moving on from the past.
TELL ME HOW TO BE introduces us to the Amin family, a year after Ashok’s death. The story is told from two perspectives: Renu, his wife, and Akash, his son. Renu is figuring out what life is like for her after the structure of marriage and preparing to leave Illinois to return to London. Akash, a queer man and aspiring music producer, is at a liminal point in his career, deep in a unsatisfying relationship, and drinking more than he wants to be. Both are also preoccupied by a past love that was thwarted and which, for different reasons, they are unable to let go of. When Renu and Akash are reunited with Akash’s older brother Bijal to honor Ashok and pack up their family home, long-simmering tensions in the family rise to the surface.
There are so many pieces to this book that are expertly woven together: growing up queer and the layers of homophobia, internally and externally; the varied experiences of an Indian-American family, especially what’s it’s like to be a young kid dealing with pressure to assimilate and the oppressive whiteness of feminism; how conflicts between siblings emerge, solidify, and break down; learning how to identify and face down your demons, whether shame, remorse, or grief. The structure and pacing of the novel work so well - the alternating perspectives, pulling us back and forth between characters, sometimes with short chapters that keep the pace clipping along and sometimes longer ones that sink you deep into the emotions of a single moment. The way Renu and Akash’s stories mirror each other, even while they cannot see and understand each other, is so poignant. The use of the second person interspersed with first person is genius; it’s evocative, eliciting in the reader the same sense of haunting that Renu and Akash are feeling. I loved the way the different pieces of their stories come together as the novel progresses, unfolding the underlying reasons for the tensions within the family, the events that have taken root and shaped the characters into who they are now, and providing opportunities for those entrenched feelings and relationships to change.
It’s beautiful and heartbreaking, I laughed and I cried, and I don’t expect to forget this story for a very long time. Thank you Flatiron Books and Macmillan Audio for the review copy and ALC!
Content warnings: bullying, racism, homophobia, miscarriage, death of a loved one, grief
December 30, 2021
By far the best book I have read all year (this is my 92nd book to read this year). Tell Me How to Be beautifully weaves together a story about identify, Indian diaspora, expectations, mother/child relationships, sexual awakening and identity, grief and so much more. The story is told from the perspectives of Akash and his mother Renu. At first glance this mother and son seem worlds apart but we slowly begin to see their parallels. Akash is returning home for the one year death anniversary of his father. He is not out of the closet and we see this secret chip away at him as he relates to his mother and brother. Renu is navigating life as a widow- making plans to leave the US for England, selling her home, and reconnecting with an old love. She too has secrets and regrets that have impacted her entire life and her relationships. Their identities have both been shaped by expectations they have placed on each other. We also see their identities through the lens of culture and how this culture differs for mother and son. As an Indian American I could relate to Akash on so many levels which I have seldom found in literature. The experiences are so viscerally authentic and this voice is so over due. Thank you Neel Patel for this beautiful story and for giving a voice to many. We also see the isolation and pain of immigration from Renu’s perspective making readers like me ponder the hardships our own parents faced. Overall a beautiful read with multiple layers to unpack.
January 28, 2022
I really liked Patel's first collection, which seemed so sharp, nuanced, and surprising, and was really looking forward to this. There's certainly a lot to enjoy here: I especially liked the sections with Renu, so painful and funny at the same time. But I found Akash to be totally exasperating (I know that's the point); after 200 pages, I was getting a bit tired of the "oops Akash fucked up again" moments.
The last section seems a bit drawn out, but that's probably just my short attention span. I appreciate the loose ends, and , but wouldn't have minded for Renu, whom I've gotten rather fond of. Maybe we'll meet up with her in London in Patel's next novel.
The last section seems a bit drawn out, but that's probably just my short attention span. I appreciate the loose ends, and , but wouldn't have minded for Renu, whom I've gotten rather fond of. Maybe we'll meet up with her in London in Patel's next novel.
September 20, 2021
Fantastic novel about a conflicted new widow and her closeted son, their remembrances, their aspirations, sparks of desire and willingness to emerge from the shards of the past. Well-written, grasping and a very good read! Earlier I had enjoyed Neel Patel's collection of short stories (If You See Me, Don't Say Hi!) and now he has written a very good novel. Bravo!
December 14, 2021
DNF at 100 pages. There just wasn’t enough going on here. Both mother and son are difficult to like.
November 16, 2021
Renu is a widow and is planning to move back to London so her two sons, Bijal and Akash, come over to help her clean the house and pack it all up ready for the move. But it soon transpires that everyone in the family is keeping a secret from the others; Renu is in love with a man she knew before entering into her arranged marriage and is trying to reconnect with him, Bijal’s marriage is having trouble, and Akash is gay and currently living with his partner but he hasn’t come out to his family.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love a book with dual POVs! My heart ached for Akash because I just wanted better for him, and throughout a good majority of the book he kept making terrible decisions and I just wanted to cuddle him. His coming out scene did make me tear up quite a bit as it’s clear he should have had a lot more support from his family throughout his journey of self-acceptance. It’s clear both Renu and Akash were fighting to overcome their pasts and make a better future for themselves.
I won’t say much more for fear of spoiling the book, however, although funny in places, this book was a complex story into relationships, decisions, growing up, and looking for love and acceptance in different ways. It was a real insight into a culture that I didn’t know all that much about and I think that made me enjoy the book all that much more.
Thank you to the publishers for sending me a proof in exchange for my honest review.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love a book with dual POVs! My heart ached for Akash because I just wanted better for him, and throughout a good majority of the book he kept making terrible decisions and I just wanted to cuddle him. His coming out scene did make me tear up quite a bit as it’s clear he should have had a lot more support from his family throughout his journey of self-acceptance. It’s clear both Renu and Akash were fighting to overcome their pasts and make a better future for themselves.
I won’t say much more for fear of spoiling the book, however, although funny in places, this book was a complex story into relationships, decisions, growing up, and looking for love and acceptance in different ways. It was a real insight into a culture that I didn’t know all that much about and I think that made me enjoy the book all that much more.
Thank you to the publishers for sending me a proof in exchange for my honest review.
July 26, 2022
4.5 ⭐️ Such a beautiful and resonating book; had me in tears multiple times. I was not fully convinced when I first picked this book up but I was quickly plunged into an addictive and heart aching read. It was such a raw portrayal of so many experiences - of being a queer first generation South Asian westerner, of the complex lives and losses South Asian women face, the expectations placed on children of immigrants, what love looks like outside white American eyes, South Asian womanhood and casual racism. It did not read like a check box of struggles to cover, but as a gripping and phenomenal story about very complex and realistic characters. The yearning that Akash felt for Parth was so palpable and page turning. My main drawback was that the ending felt very neatly tied up and abrupt. The reconciliation between Bijal and Akash felt a bit rushed, as did Akash and Parth’s. I can appreciate that Parth may have forgiven Akash in the time that had lapsed since they had last seen each other, but their complex history did not feel captured in that last scene. In terms of Renu’s arc, I felt that Kareem ghosting her made her narrative fall flat after such an aching build up. I would have preferred that they met up and Renu realises she is holding onto her past and then reflecting on her marriage, rather then the sudden change in perspective that she experienced. Regardless, this book felt like a breath of fresh air and I am so excited to read any future work from Neel Patel!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 20, 2022
What an emotive and evocative journey! I devoured this like a warm homemade meal. Neel Patel's debut novel is a riveting family drama told beautifully in two perspectives that mirrored eachother in creative and compelling ways. It's a tenuous and touching story of a mother and her son who now live very seperate lives but that makes the congruencies of their lives and the similarities of their struggles that much more interesting. They each have their own secrets to tell and both are given powerful character arcs that converge in a bittersweet conclusion that left me smiling and humming with joyful satisfaction.
Tell Me How to Be has to be the best novel I've read this year. More than that, it is certainly my favorite piece of fiction so far. This was a compulsively readable and deeply enjoyable experience. I adored this book. Patel had me completely consumed in his tightly controlled narrative full of emotional turmoil and tense personal drama. I marveled as he left each section of alternating perspectives off with an incendiary cliffhanger that propelled me into the next while I was still pensively pining for the last. The pacing and characters were exceptionally well-crafted and the story itself was captivating and fresh.
This novel has a highly effective musicality that worked so well for me because I share the main character's love of 90's/early 2000's R&B. The nostalgic references to icons of the era drew me further into the world of this queer Hindu songwriter. From Aaliyah to Brandy to the Goddess Ms. Lauryn Hill, every allusion hit with endearing accuracy. Even the mother's obsession with her campy soap opera was used as a clever metaphor for the ridiculous ideas we have about how we should be. We concoct these zany storylines for ourselves that are painfully unrealistic and ultimately far less interesting than the truth.
This novel has everything you could want: loveable but flawed characters, rich cultural diversity, a sharp sense of humor, an unpredictable but thrilling plot, and even some sex and romance. Patel uses the unraveling of this mother/son duo's deepest secrets to reveal truths about societal pressures, classist divides, familial entanglements and what those imposing constraints get to say about who we are. In the soundtrack to our lives, no matter who laid down the beat or where we sampled the hook from, in the end, it is our song to sing for ourselves.
Tell Me How to Be has to be the best novel I've read this year. More than that, it is certainly my favorite piece of fiction so far. This was a compulsively readable and deeply enjoyable experience. I adored this book. Patel had me completely consumed in his tightly controlled narrative full of emotional turmoil and tense personal drama. I marveled as he left each section of alternating perspectives off with an incendiary cliffhanger that propelled me into the next while I was still pensively pining for the last. The pacing and characters were exceptionally well-crafted and the story itself was captivating and fresh.
This novel has a highly effective musicality that worked so well for me because I share the main character's love of 90's/early 2000's R&B. The nostalgic references to icons of the era drew me further into the world of this queer Hindu songwriter. From Aaliyah to Brandy to the Goddess Ms. Lauryn Hill, every allusion hit with endearing accuracy. Even the mother's obsession with her campy soap opera was used as a clever metaphor for the ridiculous ideas we have about how we should be. We concoct these zany storylines for ourselves that are painfully unrealistic and ultimately far less interesting than the truth.
This novel has everything you could want: loveable but flawed characters, rich cultural diversity, a sharp sense of humor, an unpredictable but thrilling plot, and even some sex and romance. Patel uses the unraveling of this mother/son duo's deepest secrets to reveal truths about societal pressures, classist divides, familial entanglements and what those imposing constraints get to say about who we are. In the soundtrack to our lives, no matter who laid down the beat or where we sampled the hook from, in the end, it is our song to sing for ourselves.
January 23, 2025
It's definitely a slow, character-driven book. I was slightly bored for parts of it, but the end especially was so raw and real and made me cry. I can't remember the last time a book made me cry, so 5 stars.
January 23, 2023
I say this as an avid reader who reads many different genres of books by authors from every part of the globe. This. Book. Deserves. An. Award. It was the best book I have read in years. Maybe ever. I am still sitting here deeply moved by the emotional ending. The way it's written, with the perspective from Akash and Renu, makes it interesting and leaves you wanting more every time their section ends. The character memories fill out the context for what is happening in the present day and allows the story to keep unfolding in intricate and beautiful ways. What a phenomenally written book. So much praise for Neel Patel.
January 17, 2025
Absolutely loved it. The characterisation was great and I was in deep from page 1.
March 16, 2025
a hiiigh 4 stars, probably 4.5
mesmerizing and beautiful and gripping at times, while not being at all tense.
i liked the themes of hope (and expectation) and loss and siblinghood and mistakes and forgiveness and being bad and being loved.
i don’t know exactly what i’m being left with, i feel like i want a little more, but maybe that’s just me being a lazy reader and wanting things handed to me. i loved it overall.
mesmerizing and beautiful and gripping at times, while not being at all tense.
i liked the themes of hope (and expectation) and loss and siblinghood and mistakes and forgiveness and being bad and being loved.
i don’t know exactly what i’m being left with, i feel like i want a little more, but maybe that’s just me being a lazy reader and wanting things handed to me. i loved it overall.
July 31, 2025
Need Patel's wonderful novel is about family, past loves, past mistakes, secrets, and ultimately understanding and moving forward.
The novel is told from two different POVs. Remu, born in Tanzania to Indian parents, comes to the United States where he husband is in medical school. Akash, her youngest son, born in the midwest, lives in LA, and is an alcoholic. He is also gay, a fact he has kept from his family. Although told only from Remu's and Akash's POV, in very short snippets of text, they are very well fleshed out. Patel has even made the other characters come alive. I feel like I got to know Kareem, Remu's boyfriend from the distant past; Ashok, the now deceased husband and father; Parth, the boy Akash yearned for as a teenager and as an adult; Bijal, the older son; Chaya, the bitchy and very smart friend of Renu, and many more. They were all real to me. I will say that at the beginning I didn't much like either Remu or Akashi, but soon I began to understand and to empathize with them.
This is also about what it means to be Indian (or Hispanic or African or any other POC) who lives in the United States and what they have to deal with, whether it is from well-meaning "friends" or bullies.
I thought that the ending was perfect. Everything wasn't neatly tied up in an overly hopeful or pessimistic way. It is ultimately the story of a family that learned to deal with the past and that is looking toward a possibly more hopeful future.
I really enjoyed this novel. 4.25 or 4.5
The novel is told from two different POVs. Remu, born in Tanzania to Indian parents, comes to the United States where he husband is in medical school. Akash, her youngest son, born in the midwest, lives in LA, and is an alcoholic. He is also gay, a fact he has kept from his family. Although told only from Remu's and Akash's POV, in very short snippets of text, they are very well fleshed out. Patel has even made the other characters come alive. I feel like I got to know Kareem, Remu's boyfriend from the distant past; Ashok, the now deceased husband and father; Parth, the boy Akash yearned for as a teenager and as an adult; Bijal, the older son; Chaya, the bitchy and very smart friend of Renu, and many more. They were all real to me. I will say that at the beginning I didn't much like either Remu or Akashi, but soon I began to understand and to empathize with them.
This is also about what it means to be Indian (or Hispanic or African or any other POC) who lives in the United States and what they have to deal with, whether it is from well-meaning "friends" or bullies.
I thought that the ending was perfect. Everything wasn't neatly tied up in an overly hopeful or pessimistic way. It is ultimately the story of a family that learned to deal with the past and that is looking toward a possibly more hopeful future.
I really enjoyed this novel. 4.25 or 4.5
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