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With or Without Me: A Memoir of Losing and Finding
Where is God when your loved one gets cancer? The easy answers are all wrong.
With or Without Me is an unsparing and eloquent critique of religion. Yet Esther Maria Magnis’s frustration is merely the beginning of a tortuous journey toward faith—one punctuated by personal losses retold with bluntness and intense immediacy. “Maybe God is a sadist,” she writes, “a big baby who had a terrible upbringing. If, as Christians claim, God is love, then it’s a kind of love I do not understand.” She dares to believe anyway, although her questioning won’t let up. She fiercely dismantles both the clichés she’s heard in church and the endless philosophizing of her parents’ generation.
Esther Maria Magnis knows believing in God is anything but easy. Because he allows people to suffer. Because he’s invisible. And silent. “I think we miss God,” she writes, “I would never want to persuade anyone or put myself above atheists. I know there are good reasons not to believe. But sometimes I think most people are just sad that he’s not there.”
With or Without Me is a book for everyone—believer or unbeliever, Christian or atheist—who refuses to surrender to the idea that, just because there can be beauty and truth, there must also be clear answers to the big questions in life.
With or Without Me is an unsparing and eloquent critique of religion. Yet Esther Maria Magnis’s frustration is merely the beginning of a tortuous journey toward faith—one punctuated by personal losses retold with bluntness and intense immediacy. “Maybe God is a sadist,” she writes, “a big baby who had a terrible upbringing. If, as Christians claim, God is love, then it’s a kind of love I do not understand.” She dares to believe anyway, although her questioning won’t let up. She fiercely dismantles both the clichés she’s heard in church and the endless philosophizing of her parents’ generation.
Esther Maria Magnis knows believing in God is anything but easy. Because he allows people to suffer. Because he’s invisible. And silent. “I think we miss God,” she writes, “I would never want to persuade anyone or put myself above atheists. I know there are good reasons not to believe. But sometimes I think most people are just sad that he’s not there.”
With or Without Me is a book for everyone—believer or unbeliever, Christian or atheist—who refuses to surrender to the idea that, just because there can be beauty and truth, there must also be clear answers to the big questions in life.
216 pages, Paperback
Published March 22, 2022
9 people are currently reading
1170 people want to read
About the author
Esther Maria Magnis
7 books13 followersEsther Maria Magnis, a German writer, was born in 1980. She studied comparative religion and history in Germany and Italy and has worked as a journalist. She now lives and works in southwestern Germany.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
March 26, 2022
This was a rough read but well worth it. This women's spiritual journey was expressed openly and honestly. At each rough patch in her life, she questioned why God would allow pain and suffering, as all believers do at various times in their lives. I felt she was very blunt and held nothing back, which I appreciated. There are some very profound moments expressed here.
Since this book was published by Plough Publishing House, which is a Christian publisher, I was quite surprised at the often-used foul language. I've become a bit sensitive to the language that seems to be accepted these days in books, TV and movies. There were times when the author was ranting at God when I could have accepted this more, but it was used throughout the book. This is just my own personal dislike and really didn't take away from the value of the book as a whole.
This book was won by me in a book giveaway.
Since this book was published by Plough Publishing House, which is a Christian publisher, I was quite surprised at the often-used foul language. I've become a bit sensitive to the language that seems to be accepted these days in books, TV and movies. There were times when the author was ranting at God when I could have accepted this more, but it was used throughout the book. This is just my own personal dislike and really didn't take away from the value of the book as a whole.
This book was won by me in a book giveaway.
December 22, 2021
With or without is a statement of tension—“can’t live With or Without You,” the famous U2 song wails. We say it of habits we enjoy but know are bad for us in some way, or of people we love who nevertheless cause us pain. But what do you do when the object of this statement is yourself?
This is one question that underpins Esther Maria Magnis’ new memoir, With Or Without Me. Magnis’ actions and inner life after learning her father has terminal cancer seem to ask, “can you escape yourself when you feel you can’t live with yourself?” Or, echoing Søren Kierkegaard in The Sickness unto Death, “what even is the meaning of a self without God?”
Death seems an obvious means to escape one’s self, but only if death equates to annihilation. Christians don’t believe in such equality, and Magnis doesn’t either. Belief in a soul that survives physical death destroys what Kierkegaard aptly calls the “last hope, death” as a means of escape from ourselves. For the Christian, there is no death that is synonymous with ceasing to be.
Which leaves us as necessarily existing selves with two options. To stand autonomous, relying on human knowledge to construe our own rules and meaning, and subject to all the relativism that results—no one sees the world exactly the same way. Or, to stand before an absolute reality and truth that, by definition, is God, where all our ways of seeing are but shadow understandings of a greater whole. The division between faith in God and non-faith is not often considered in such stark terms, but from an early age Magnis recognises the stakes and painfully wrestles with them.
If we can’t escape, we must live with what we are given. And frequently that isn’t easy.
With or Without You played at my brother’s funeral. Reading or hearing those first three words jumpstarts my heart and I immediately think of death. Which is appropriate in this instance because Magnis’ book centres on death. On the twin conundrums it presents of finding meaning and purpose in our Earthly lives when we know they will end; and of holding onto faith when God seems silent in our suffering, and Christians around us have no words to help.
These are not a new questions, but reasoned theodicy has failed to answer them. Like the great Russian novelists before her, Magnis turns to experience for answers. Rather than trying to rationalise her suffering by abstracting herself outside it and fumbling for reasoned theological answers, she instead mines her experience of living through that suffering to glean meaning.
The result is a harrowing but consuming read that is inherently empirical. With or Without Me does not attempt to generalise the author’s experience into a unified theology or narrative, but instead presents an unglossed account of one person’s path through suffering and doubt. The Christian experience is not always pretty. Sometimes God will haul you kicking and screaming to faith with or without you being willing, with or without you feeling warm and fuzzy, and with or without you feeling a grand moment of conversion.
Dealing as it does with deep philosophical questions, yet without being an impenetrable academic work, this book could well serve those struggling with doubt or suffering who are not inclined to read systematic philosophical or theological texts.
I had a visceral reaction to With or Without Me, scared at times to continue reading as it awakened emotions from similar experiences of my own. Ultimately, common experiences unite us, and this memoir provides deep psychological insight into an inquisitive mind that death smacked down early in life and was not quite sure how to keep living.
This is one question that underpins Esther Maria Magnis’ new memoir, With Or Without Me. Magnis’ actions and inner life after learning her father has terminal cancer seem to ask, “can you escape yourself when you feel you can’t live with yourself?” Or, echoing Søren Kierkegaard in The Sickness unto Death, “what even is the meaning of a self without God?”
Death seems an obvious means to escape one’s self, but only if death equates to annihilation. Christians don’t believe in such equality, and Magnis doesn’t either. Belief in a soul that survives physical death destroys what Kierkegaard aptly calls the “last hope, death” as a means of escape from ourselves. For the Christian, there is no death that is synonymous with ceasing to be.
Which leaves us as necessarily existing selves with two options. To stand autonomous, relying on human knowledge to construe our own rules and meaning, and subject to all the relativism that results—no one sees the world exactly the same way. Or, to stand before an absolute reality and truth that, by definition, is God, where all our ways of seeing are but shadow understandings of a greater whole. The division between faith in God and non-faith is not often considered in such stark terms, but from an early age Magnis recognises the stakes and painfully wrestles with them.
If we can’t escape, we must live with what we are given. And frequently that isn’t easy.
With or Without You played at my brother’s funeral. Reading or hearing those first three words jumpstarts my heart and I immediately think of death. Which is appropriate in this instance because Magnis’ book centres on death. On the twin conundrums it presents of finding meaning and purpose in our Earthly lives when we know they will end; and of holding onto faith when God seems silent in our suffering, and Christians around us have no words to help.
These are not a new questions, but reasoned theodicy has failed to answer them. Like the great Russian novelists before her, Magnis turns to experience for answers. Rather than trying to rationalise her suffering by abstracting herself outside it and fumbling for reasoned theological answers, she instead mines her experience of living through that suffering to glean meaning.
The result is a harrowing but consuming read that is inherently empirical. With or Without Me does not attempt to generalise the author’s experience into a unified theology or narrative, but instead presents an unglossed account of one person’s path through suffering and doubt. The Christian experience is not always pretty. Sometimes God will haul you kicking and screaming to faith with or without you being willing, with or without you feeling warm and fuzzy, and with or without you feeling a grand moment of conversion.
Dealing as it does with deep philosophical questions, yet without being an impenetrable academic work, this book could well serve those struggling with doubt or suffering who are not inclined to read systematic philosophical or theological texts.
I had a visceral reaction to With or Without Me, scared at times to continue reading as it awakened emotions from similar experiences of my own. Ultimately, common experiences unite us, and this memoir provides deep psychological insight into an inquisitive mind that death smacked down early in life and was not quite sure how to keep living.
March 23, 2022
There was a time when I was sent 8 religious books a month to review, so I've read quite a few "where is faith after loss/sickness" memoirs. This one touched nerves I didn't expect, was harder to read than I thought, but proved to be much more compelling than so many "inspirational books" I've picked up in the past. I can think of several reasons:
1) It presents an honest look at why "God is distant or only symbolically here" religion doesn't help in the midst of a tragedy.
2) It describes that messy journey of giving up on God, hitting rock bottom and finding that's no place to be, then slowly moving back to faith.
3) It doesn't pretend every single thing becomes settled/happy/dreamily uplifting when you re-find faith. The journey of grieving and puzzling through life's messy questions never fully stops. We then find God is walking alongside us as we puzzle.
1) It presents an honest look at why "God is distant or only symbolically here" religion doesn't help in the midst of a tragedy.
2) It describes that messy journey of giving up on God, hitting rock bottom and finding that's no place to be, then slowly moving back to faith.
3) It doesn't pretend every single thing becomes settled/happy/dreamily uplifting when you re-find faith. The journey of grieving and puzzling through life's messy questions never fully stops. We then find God is walking alongside us as we puzzle.
January 16, 2022
"I have to go...I have to go." Those were the last words my mother spoke to me, if she knew it was me, fighting to leave a hospice bed, throwing back the covers and showing strength in opposition to my hands trying to keep her in bed. "I have to go" echoes in the pages of this spiritual memoir by Esther Maria Magnis. It traces the supplication to God for the life of a cancer stricken father, to the questioning and rejection of that God. But the journey doesn't end there, and the author never completely closes the door. This memoir is a journey at once personal, unique and tragic laden. It is also reflective of a younger generation in Europe who have abandoned organized religion, belief in the God of those religions, and have made churches a Sunday morning wasteland. This memoir is faster paced than Thomas Merton's Seven Story Mountain, but the authors share a common loss- an abandonment in tragedy. Magnis has what Merton lacked: A strong (yet flawed) family unit. It is an unlikely member of that family, and a word she speaks from the past, which awakens Magnis and her relationship with God. A relationship which will be tested again, in a cruel and shocking development. My bookmark for these pages featured a butterfly; the morning of my mother's death, hours after declaring "I have to go," her hospice door was marked with a crocheted butterfly, a symbol of the spirit set free. To those who have questioned God and his ways, and for those who have questioned amid the illness and death of a loved one, this memoir and journey will resonate and maybe provide some peace. I am grateful to Plough for sending me this for review.
April 24, 2022
WITH OR WITHOUT ME
A Memoir of Losing and Finding
by Esther Maria Magnis
Auden’s ekphrasic poem “Musee des Beaux Arts” explores the meaning of suffering in reference to Brueghel’s painting where “everything turns away quite leisurely from the disaster” of a boy falling to his death. Esther Maria Magnis also references each section of her memoir to visuals that provide, like art, a concentrated center of meaning that the writer both observes and extends. The primal blocks of intense color, Red 1, White as Snow 2, and Black as Ebony 3, parallel the spectrum of a young woman’s emotional, physical, and spiritual journey through extreme suffering. The reader is drawn back to these dense colors of reference while reading the narrative of her shattered life that made philosophy and theology useless and a mockery of well-meant platitudes.
Her description tears at the reader in its raw portrayal of her life destroyed by pain and yet her double-edged sense that God both loves and allows it. Her shocking use of personification and metaphor in White as Snow 2 drags us with her into a fantastic theater where “Pain sits there patiently waiting just offstage, waiting in the wings…He’s just there running his own show,” while a clown takes the place of the absent theater manager, and philosophers and theologians are “like a little corps de ballet dancing around their prima ballerina.” But later, the young woman is moved beyond both rage and despair into emptiness when “The snitch came by in secret…She was death’s little sister, or his baby sitter. Or maybe her pimp.” Negation is her game as she continues to whittle and finally says, “Nothing matters now.”
The reader can more clearly apprehend the movement from the visual Red 1 that introduces the red world of youth and life-blood to the abyss introduced by White as Snow 2, as the writer describes her movement from faith in a miracle to a hell beyond despair. But the last section, Black as Ebony 3 is more ambiguous as it intertwines the primal visual metaphor for death and the writer’s recognition of God who is always both beyond and always present. The hard-edged experiences of her suffering move her to truths that open her to God as ultimate Truth but also as mystery, whose voice out of the storm upends Job’s complaints. The writer, now a professed Catholic in her native Germany, does not put herself above those of other beliefs or no belief. Her story is not an argument but an extraordinary personal story of both terror and beauty shared with us as we also travel.
Judith Robinson
July 21, 2022
Summary: A memoir of losing a father to cancer and the loss of faith that came when earnest, believing prayers went unanswered, and the slow journey back.
Esther’s father announced the news as Christmas approached. He had cancer and the doctors said it was too advanced for them to do anything. He had weeks to a few months to live. Esther had grown up in a church-going family in Germany. Her first prayer was, “I want to keep dad.” She, her brother, and sister joined in attic prayer meetings. Her father fought back and for a short while, the cancer relented and it seemed their prayers were being answered. And then it came roaring back. And for a time, she prayed even more, believing they would travel to Spain as a family. But dad died. And God died to Esther.
The middle part of this book is hard reading, as Esther retells the rawness of her grief, her anger at the God who did not act, who was silent. She skips school, drinks, and embraces all the skepticism of those around her about God and truth. This section is full of expletives, many directed toward God. She engages in internal debates with “the clown” and “the snitch” representing skepticism about God and truth and even one’s own existence. Finally she hits rock bottom during a forest party a year after her father died on Easter weekend and declares, “I don’t care.”
Silence. God is silent, and yet present. She realizes that “God subverts silence. There must be a power there we do not understand.” Singing a lullaby to her grandmother who suffers from dementia, she sings the words “He has not forgotten thee” and remembers how she heard it as a child–“Godandthee.’ She questions the certitude of those who confidently assert “there is no truth.” How can they be so confident, then of the truth of this statement? Slowly she gropes her way back to faith, just in time for her brother, who will face his own existential crisis.
This is a powerful memoir. No easy answers. Hard painful realities of life. Unvarnished and raw at times. Believing can be challenging. But for the author, not believing is even harder. In the end, she faced the reality that despite all the hard stuff, at the bottom of reality, “God is.”
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher via LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer Program.
Esther’s father announced the news as Christmas approached. He had cancer and the doctors said it was too advanced for them to do anything. He had weeks to a few months to live. Esther had grown up in a church-going family in Germany. Her first prayer was, “I want to keep dad.” She, her brother, and sister joined in attic prayer meetings. Her father fought back and for a short while, the cancer relented and it seemed their prayers were being answered. And then it came roaring back. And for a time, she prayed even more, believing they would travel to Spain as a family. But dad died. And God died to Esther.
The middle part of this book is hard reading, as Esther retells the rawness of her grief, her anger at the God who did not act, who was silent. She skips school, drinks, and embraces all the skepticism of those around her about God and truth. This section is full of expletives, many directed toward God. She engages in internal debates with “the clown” and “the snitch” representing skepticism about God and truth and even one’s own existence. Finally she hits rock bottom during a forest party a year after her father died on Easter weekend and declares, “I don’t care.”
Silence. God is silent, and yet present. She realizes that “God subverts silence. There must be a power there we do not understand.” Singing a lullaby to her grandmother who suffers from dementia, she sings the words “He has not forgotten thee” and remembers how she heard it as a child–“Godandthee.’ She questions the certitude of those who confidently assert “there is no truth.” How can they be so confident, then of the truth of this statement? Slowly she gropes her way back to faith, just in time for her brother, who will face his own existential crisis.
This is a powerful memoir. No easy answers. Hard painful realities of life. Unvarnished and raw at times. Believing can be challenging. But for the author, not believing is even harder. In the end, she faced the reality that despite all the hard stuff, at the bottom of reality, “God is.”
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher via LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer Program.
July 6, 2023
I appreciated this author so much! No pat answers to suffering, just a genuine and honest wrestling with a God who can handle our doubts, frustrations and anger. I didn’t know where she was going to land with her faith until the end of the book.
February 26, 2022
With or Without Me is a memoir of the author's faith journey, beginning when she was but four years old. As a girl, she remembers going to church with her parents (one Catholic, one Protestant), deeply wanting to believe in God yet not really understanding who God is, or what sets his believers apart from the rest of the people she knows (and in her later years, the non-Christians of the world).
As she grows, she longs to feel close to Him. At one point, she gathers her brother and sisters and to pray together in the attic for their father who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. They want to pray, but are unsure how, and the silence grows as they wonder how to ask for what is so heavy on their hearts. "In that silence, a calm emerged. A peaceful patience. It was not our waiting anymore. It was HIS. The peace of mind that filled this patience wasn't one we ourselves could feel. This peacefulness wasn't ours, but we knew that it was the truth. And truth always only poses one question. And the only answer is "Yes," and it utters itself." They feel God's presence and are emboldened to pray for their father. The connection is made, God is real and has shown Himself to each of them. They meet to pray daily.
As her father gets sicker and dies, she cannot reconcile the reality of what her earthly father suffered, and the despair that now covers the family with the God she thought she understood. How could He have let this happen? What is reality? What is true? If you cannot believe in God does anything in life matter? Is all for nothing? In her anger and her pain, she yells at God and kicks Him out of her life only to find His silence and distance unbearable and her life awful without Him.
For years, she questions, rages, and scoffs of the meaningless of existence, but she keeps returning to the idea of God, and the relationship she once shared and still wants with Him. "Even if God didn't roar or storm into my life, the realization that he was God was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. I had to act on it. It was the most powerful thing I'd ever witnessed, even more than all the deaths I'd experienced." Ultimately, she decides to believe in God, despite her questions, despite the times she is afraid, despite not understanding the larger picture.
I commend the author for sharing her faith journey struggle/story so openly and honestly. Her story mirrors that of so many people.
My thanks to the author and to Plough Publishing for allowing me to read an e-ARC of this book via NetGalley. It is scheduled for publication on 3/22/22. All opinions expressed in this review are my own and are freely given.
As she grows, she longs to feel close to Him. At one point, she gathers her brother and sisters and to pray together in the attic for their father who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. They want to pray, but are unsure how, and the silence grows as they wonder how to ask for what is so heavy on their hearts. "In that silence, a calm emerged. A peaceful patience. It was not our waiting anymore. It was HIS. The peace of mind that filled this patience wasn't one we ourselves could feel. This peacefulness wasn't ours, but we knew that it was the truth. And truth always only poses one question. And the only answer is "Yes," and it utters itself." They feel God's presence and are emboldened to pray for their father. The connection is made, God is real and has shown Himself to each of them. They meet to pray daily.
As her father gets sicker and dies, she cannot reconcile the reality of what her earthly father suffered, and the despair that now covers the family with the God she thought she understood. How could He have let this happen? What is reality? What is true? If you cannot believe in God does anything in life matter? Is all for nothing? In her anger and her pain, she yells at God and kicks Him out of her life only to find His silence and distance unbearable and her life awful without Him.
For years, she questions, rages, and scoffs of the meaningless of existence, but she keeps returning to the idea of God, and the relationship she once shared and still wants with Him. "Even if God didn't roar or storm into my life, the realization that he was God was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. I had to act on it. It was the most powerful thing I'd ever witnessed, even more than all the deaths I'd experienced." Ultimately, she decides to believe in God, despite her questions, despite the times she is afraid, despite not understanding the larger picture.
I commend the author for sharing her faith journey struggle/story so openly and honestly. Her story mirrors that of so many people.
My thanks to the author and to Plough Publishing for allowing me to read an e-ARC of this book via NetGalley. It is scheduled for publication on 3/22/22. All opinions expressed in this review are my own and are freely given.
April 25, 2022
I received this book as an Early Reviewer. While this book was not at all bad, I think it was just not for me. Part of the reason I signed up for it was an interest in people's spiritual journeys over time. Truthfully, this book should not be advertised as one of religion; rather, it's a book about family. Only about 1/4 of this book was pertaining to the theme of religion, whereas the rest delves deep into the author's family and the trials they've been faced with. Perhaps I just wasn't in the right mindset for this theme at this point in my life.
Theme aside, my slight bias against the writing style can be summed up in a quote from pg. 172 of the book: "That's why this very book is full of nonsense and half-baked thoughts." Had this mention gone at the beginning of the book, I may have been more receptive. Alas, it was near the end, where I'd already made up my mind about feeling lost and as though the writing, especially in reference to the authors spiritual journey, was on the bumpiest, curviest roller coaster I could imagine.
I feel the need to reiterate. This book is not bad at all! It just may not be for all audiences.
Theme aside, my slight bias against the writing style can be summed up in a quote from pg. 172 of the book: "That's why this very book is full of nonsense and half-baked thoughts." Had this mention gone at the beginning of the book, I may have been more receptive. Alas, it was near the end, where I'd already made up my mind about feeling lost and as though the writing, especially in reference to the authors spiritual journey, was on the bumpiest, curviest roller coaster I could imagine.
I feel the need to reiterate. This book is not bad at all! It just may not be for all audiences.
March 16, 2022
In this memoir,, Maria at 4 years of age tried to understand why she and her siblings must sit in church and listen to both Catholic and Protestant services. Her father becomes I’ll with cancer and ends up dying from it. Maria doesn’t understand why God would allow this. She will struggle for with her belief in God for a long time. She becomes distant with her belief in God She goes through more loss but still ends up believing in God. Understanding her belief in God is given but yet some may still not believe for various reasons. It is a heartfelt book that gives a glimpse of a person’s faith regardless of the path she walks. Her memoir made me think of the importance of having faith in God.
Disclaimer: I received an arc of this book from the author/publisher from Netgalley. I wasn’t obligated to write a favorable review or any review at all. The opinions expressed are strictly my own.
Disclaimer: I received an arc of this book from the author/publisher from Netgalley. I wasn’t obligated to write a favorable review or any review at all. The opinions expressed are strictly my own.
August 26, 2022
"Truth, I whisper, is God. I can't move, can't leave this juncture, this notion that has taken hold of
me. I stand at this edge, this border; days pass and nights pass...And then, all of a sudden, comes the moment when I know where I'm standing and realize that for us human beings, there is only one decisive moment in life; the one when we stand before God... Everything is hushed, except for the steady beat of my existence. God."
Esther Maria Magnis has written a memoir of her journey from losing faith to gaining faith. Her father died from cancer and Esther struggled with every aspect of her life, finally coming out on the other side. A lot of the book was heavy-going. Any one who has dealt with major losses in their lives discovers that one loss leads to many losses, and this was where Esther found herself, and lost herself, and rediscovered herself and God and his promises.
I received a review copy from Plough Publishing House, in exchange for an honest review.
me. I stand at this edge, this border; days pass and nights pass...And then, all of a sudden, comes the moment when I know where I'm standing and realize that for us human beings, there is only one decisive moment in life; the one when we stand before God... Everything is hushed, except for the steady beat of my existence. God."
Esther Maria Magnis has written a memoir of her journey from losing faith to gaining faith. Her father died from cancer and Esther struggled with every aspect of her life, finally coming out on the other side. A lot of the book was heavy-going. Any one who has dealt with major losses in their lives discovers that one loss leads to many losses, and this was where Esther found herself, and lost herself, and rediscovered herself and God and his promises.
I received a review copy from Plough Publishing House, in exchange for an honest review.
November 25, 2022
*I received this as an ARC via LibraryThing*
This book felt like reading word vomit, aka text that wanders without direction through an obviously difficult formative experience. It read quickly, mainly because after about 20 pages, I realized that in-depth close reading did not help me understand the author's purpose so I nearly skimmed the remainder of the book. Unfortunately, I will not keep this book in my collection.
This book felt like reading word vomit, aka text that wanders without direction through an obviously difficult formative experience. It read quickly, mainly because after about 20 pages, I realized that in-depth close reading did not help me understand the author's purpose so I nearly skimmed the remainder of the book. Unfortunately, I will not keep this book in my collection.
March 1, 2023
Raw. Honest. Humble. A story of a journey of surrender to a terrible, beautiful, vast, mysterious and loving God. This book makes me want to live my faith in God with deeper reverence and humility. Esther articulates the struggle of faith, the quest for meaning in a world of pain and suffering. Highly recommend to anyone grappling with doubt, anyone seeking truth, anyone unsatisfied, frustrated or angry with superficial and trite expressions of religion/belief.
April 22, 2022
This was a vivid and compelling memoir. Each section evokes a color - red, white, and black. The imagery was absolutely phenomenal, and will bring you through the pages into different moments in Magnis's life. It really felt like I was witnessing everything first hand, and I got so wrapped up in the book that I forgot where I was for a bit. An emotional and addictive read.
March 16, 2022
A painful, eloquent, honest memoir of one woman's search for God. There were times I had to quit reading it was so heartbreaking.
Read
March 19, 2022A bit unusual and didn’t finish, not for everyone. Most from this publisher have been great though.
April 14, 2022
I will re-read this book. As one who lost a sister to cancer, this book and it's faith struggle with grief gave words to experiences inside of my head and heart.
Read
July 13, 2022This is an interesting memoir on faith. It challenges one in a good way. It is well-written.
September 23, 2022
It's hard to know how to respond to this book. It is the most personal wrestling with God that I have encountered. It is about suffering and loss, how we tear down and then rebuild. Powerful.
October 24, 2022
Such a fabulous work on grief with a faith-based audience. #Goodreadsgiveaway
March 30, 2023
I thought there would be more about her struggle instead of just the stories. But I guess it is a memoir after all. Just wasn’t what I was fully expecting so it wasn’t my favorite.
April 19, 2024
Brilliant.
August 22, 2025
Every page was stunning
November 29, 2022
Unexpected, not the outcome I thought it would be. I figured for sure the author would take me on a journey explaining why she found God again, and give us the normal boring rundown of her faith. Why she believes now, why we should believe, and how to get there. Well, it certainly WASN'T that.
We ventured down the road to her early life, showing us the struggles she had in her faith. Never once did she provide a solid concrete answer on how to find the answers to some of the biggest things we struggle with. (I originally was kind of looking to find that in this book). Just her story, and her own relationship with God. That's why I was so surprised. Ultimately I think that was one message she really tried portraying. There is no absolute path we can walk down, that will tell us the solution to finding God. God isn't going to come down yelling and screaming the answers to our problems. There will never be that aha moment, that moment of perfect clarity we all so desperately seek. We find him in our own ways, in our own time. God simply is, whatever that means to each of us, and for Esther the path through her faith was an emotional and heartbreaking one.
Good read. Don't be surprised if you shed a few tears. I know I did. If you consider yourself a deeper thinker, then I think this book is up your alley.
We ventured down the road to her early life, showing us the struggles she had in her faith. Never once did she provide a solid concrete answer on how to find the answers to some of the biggest things we struggle with. (I originally was kind of looking to find that in this book). Just her story, and her own relationship with God. That's why I was so surprised. Ultimately I think that was one message she really tried portraying. There is no absolute path we can walk down, that will tell us the solution to finding God. God isn't going to come down yelling and screaming the answers to our problems. There will never be that aha moment, that moment of perfect clarity we all so desperately seek. We find him in our own ways, in our own time. God simply is, whatever that means to each of us, and for Esther the path through her faith was an emotional and heartbreaking one.
Good read. Don't be surprised if you shed a few tears. I know I did. If you consider yourself a deeper thinker, then I think this book is up your alley.
September 24, 2021
"With or Without Me" by Esther Maria Magnis is an unsparingly eloquent critique of religion, the tortuous start of a deep personal journey towards unconditional faith in God, punctuated at every turn by heart-wrenching personal losses. Esther dares to believe in God, despite her own persistent questions that demand answers. She bravely dares to launch out on her own, battling all odds. Esther refuses to believe that there must always be clear-cut answers to the baffling questions of life. She boldly declares how extremely disastrous and catastrophic it is to not believe in God. Esther describes how she experienced the fundamental reality of God in such a concrete, dense, intense way, and the exhilarating sense of redemption that came along with it. Her own faith is deeply strengthened through the beautiful, enlightening faith of her brother, Johannes. This is an illuminating book that makes one think about the utmost importance of believing in God. It is either God or nothing, in a world that defies God at every turn.
October 4, 2021
This is a memoir of one woman's wrestling with the reality or unreality of God. Lots of philosophical questions that she struggled with in relation to the Lord and how He works. Is He there or is He not? Can He be there stronger when He is silent and how does our hearts affect all of this?
Life is pain and no one gets out alive. All have or will suffer. The question is, will you suffer alone or will you allow the one who suffered death for you, accompany you?
This is a thought provoking book. It really makes me feel for all of the people in the world who do not know Jesus Christ and His loving embrace. The reality is that most of us will have to be broken before He can gain entrance into our hearts. I know I did.
Thank you NetGalley and Plough Publishing for the opportunity to read this book before publication.
Life is pain and no one gets out alive. All have or will suffer. The question is, will you suffer alone or will you allow the one who suffered death for you, accompany you?
This is a thought provoking book. It really makes me feel for all of the people in the world who do not know Jesus Christ and His loving embrace. The reality is that most of us will have to be broken before He can gain entrance into our hearts. I know I did.
Thank you NetGalley and Plough Publishing for the opportunity to read this book before publication.
April 14, 2023
I don't want to ruin the gorgeous ratings for this book, but it just wasn't for me. There are sparks of wonderful prose littered into a book that feels immature (not just because it’s a life story told chronologically. it is human and sprawling, but it often reads like a series of blog posts, and I kind of wish that’s what it was to cut down on the fluff. I read 50% of it and gave up because it frustrated me now repetitive it was at random times, but I usually don't read this type of memoir and the other reviews are so lovely, i don't want to say it was badly done. Maybe it's just written for someone experiencing the same grief-fueled doubt as the author.
Thank you to the publisher and to netgalley for the free ebook in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you to the publisher and to netgalley for the free ebook in exchange for an honest review.
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