The How: Notes on the Great Work of Meeting Yourself

by Yrsa Daley-Ward

From the acclaimed poet behind bone, an exploration of how we can meet our truest selves, the ones we've always been meant to become Yrsa Daley-Ward's words have resonated with hundreds of thousands of readers--through her books of poetry and memoir, bone and The Terrible; through her writing for Beyoncé on Black Is King; and through her always illuminating Instagram posts.Now, in The How, Yrsa encourages readers to begin, as she puts it, the great work of meeting ourselves. This isn't the self we've built up in response to our surroundings, or the self we manufacture to please the people around us, but instead, our most intimate self, the one we visit in dreams, the one that calls to us from a glimmering future.With a mix of short lyrical musings and her signature stunning poetry, Yrsa gently takes readers by the hand, encouraging them to join her as she explores how we can remove our filters, and see and feel more of who we really are behind the preconceived notions of propriety and manners we've accumulated with age. With a beautiful design and intriguing meditations, The How can be used to start conversations, to prompt writing, to delve deeper--whether you're solo, or with friends, on your feet or writing from the solace of home.

Genres: Poetry, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Spirituality, Essays

190 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 1, 2021

About the author

Yrsa Daley-Ward is a writer and poet of mixed West Indian and West African heritage. Born to a Jamaican mother and a Nigerian father, Yrsa was raised by her devout Seventh Day Adventist grandparents in the small town of Chorley in the North of England. Her first collection of stories 'On Snakes and Other Stories' was published by 3:AM Press.

Reviews

[Les · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since experiencing bone, I stop whatever I am reading to give space to whatever Daley-Ward drops. This was no different and, as before, this proved a good rule of thumb to live by. She says she offers nothing new in terms of self-help, self-love, and self-care. This is true as the exercises are variations of ones you've heard before (all of them - no exceptions, really), but it is reading her verbiage leading to and from those suggestions that is the magic. This is self-help contextualized not by an academic, huckster, motivational speaker, business mogul, or guru, but a poet and writer. So yes, it's more exquisite and meaningful. And thus, for me, more effective. But you do whatcha want. She's a fan of that, as long as you've truly deciphered what that want consists of.

[Carolina · Rating 4 out of 5]

2025 review: I didn’t enjoy this one as much the second time around. I think I should have read this book in the morning instead of at night.

2023 review: I couldn’t stop highlighting almost every page in this book. I learned so much and I would recommend it to anyone.

[Tessa.Camilla · Rating 5 out of 5]

So after picking up the book last night I just devoured it in one sitting and now the major part of it is underlined, annotated and decorated with small hearts and other symbols.
Yrsa, thank you for doing the research, for thinking about these important topics and passing your thoughts on to us in such an accessible and aesthetically beautiful way.
Thank you for trusting us as readers,
for not only giving advices from what feels like a distant place, but for being vulnerable and sharing your own fears, so each of us feels less lonely. Thank you for being here with us.
Thank you for including small exercises and rituals so it's less theoretical and more life changing. Some of these rituals I do already have included in my daily routines, other ones I am so eager to try now.
I adored your definition of joy.
& "If what you want is not to be lonely, then lonely cannot be an identity you build for yourself." hit a little too hard.
I couldn't agree more with what Florence Welch said on her review : "It feels like holding the truth in your hands"
I tend to sometimes lose my access to the truth, to reality, to my inner self. So, yes, this is exactly what I needed to read and hear.
I'm in awe. x

[Glenda Nelms · Rating 5 out of 5]

The How is an inspiring, motivational and uplifting book about self-love. Beautifully written and reflective. Daley-Ward writes from her own experience which enables a deeper connection with her readers. Highly recommend this beautiful book.

[Devin Redmond · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars rounding up.
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘰𝘸: 𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘎𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘔𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 by Yrsa Daley-Ward.
I was probably attracted to these words, “...how we remove our filters, and discover more of who we really are behind the preconceived notions of propriety and manners we’ve accumulated with age.”
There were some good lines and some interesting things to think about, but I was mostly annoyed with myself for reading this book. It felt like one big Instagram post. But…sometimes I need all of the “be mindful” reminders. The grief chapter resonated.
: Showing up is work, and offers more inspiration and importance to those around you than you will ever understand. (49)
: Do not ignore the beauty of the day in favor of some perfect, imagined future. (59)
: Always, we learn the largest acts of love from nature. (62)
: When…I cannot quiet my ever-running mind, the only thing I am inclined to do is to behave as a child might, when they are doing something that has their complete, rapt attention. The most soothing thing I can think of is to become completely immersed in a single action. (66)
: You are older here than you ever have been and younger than you will ever be….In the present, you are always new. (85)
: Watching one-minute videos every day primes the brain toward short bursts of dopamine and curated information over anything that requires deeper work and concentration and elevated creativity. (94)
: All of us leave this world, and the leaving is as striking and important as the arrival. (141)

[deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Somewhere, somehow, we have grown afraid. Again. But nothing is lost. We'll return (we have done this before, of course). To be human is to remember and forget, and repeat."

Yrsa Daley-Ward offers up a deeply refreshing work in "The How" as she guides the reader through the journey of dismantling old ideas about the self and the work one is doing, as well as a variety of exercises on how one can restructure their thought process in a more loving, constructive, and rewarding way. The chapters are fairly short, and touch on a variety of topics, from the illusions of milestones to the importance of dreaming, but that doesn't make them any less full of meaning. Rather, each chapter or poem weaves effortlessly into the next and creates this ongoing narrative that prompts the reader to reconsider a variety of aspects in their life in a way that makes in seem like you're having a conversation with a very wise old friend.

While the topics of what Daley-Ward discusses are nothing brand new, it is the WAY she talks about them that makes this book the incredible thing that it is. I've read these topics of self-love and setting daily intentions and dealing with loneliness a hundred times before, yet none have quite captured the raw heart and honesty that she has. She doesn't claim to have answers for fixing things, or a particular ideology one must subscribe to; rather, Daley-Ward prompts the reader to reflect and study what has happened, what is happening, and what we want to happen all in various lights in order that we might better learn on how to create a better self.

For example, in her chapter on loneliness she writes, "If what you want is to not be lonely, then lonely cannot be an identity that you create for yourself. It cannot be how you think of yourself." She goes on to make the reader think about what they want in that moment, and then ways they can immediately begin making that happen for themselves, mainly through a deconstruction of old thought patterns and practices and a focus on a more intimate, vibrant way of perceiving the self and world around us. It's an immensely hard-hitting yet easily accessible concept Daley-Ward has crafted! There's such a stunning balance of lyricism, introspection, and work that makes the whole book and its theories a standout.

I checked this out from the library but I'm absolutely buying my own copy in order to annotate and revisit in the future. It's a new favorite of mine, and one that I would highly recommend to anyone looking on ways to more deeply understand themselves.

[Siobhan · Rating 3 out of 5]

The How is a collection of thoughts, prompts and poems that explore the self, creativity, and making changes. In short sections, Yrsa Daley-Ward suggests the reader asks questions of themselves, reframes what they see, and note down things about themselves to return to, whilst also meditating on various aspects of life, like self-image, grief, and dealing with bad things happening.

Having enjoyed Yrsa Daley-Ward's previous books I thought I would like this one, but it was a bit more of a self-help or motivational type book and had a bit less poetry than I was hoping for. I think for a lot of people this style of book and way of addressing the reader will be moving and helpful for dealing with things and changing their mindset. However, it just wasn't really for me, with some sections I liked and other parts I just didn't get on with. If you like books that are more about musing and meditation and prompts to notice particular things in your day, then The How may be a book for you, but it's just not my thing.

[taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author presents valuable, insightful information that is not brand new to those privy to self-help. However, what made me love this was the way Yrsa presents the advice through poetry and succinct, but empathetic, prose.

[Caroline 'relaxing with my rescue dogs' · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was definitely a refer to book and I have been referring to a lot to help me bring on my confidence, but it is not a self help book it is completely different but it works well.

I was given a free copy by netgalley and the publishers but the review is completely my own.

[Angela Calasso · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yrsa Daley-Ward is a QUEEN. I wanted to savor every chapter as I read and was so sad when I reached the last page. This book refreshed my outlook on life.

[Christy Agrawal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! There is no alternative to this beautiful book. Unique and familiar and glistening. One of the few books I know I will be returning to again and again.

I recommend everyone read this, but only if you are ready to be honest with yourself.

Thank you Yrsa Daley-Ward for this incredible work. Grateful for everything that went into the creation of this.

[Jeanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

With grateful thanks to netgalley for an early copy in return for an honest opinion.
I have never read anything by this author before, but was intrigued by the content of the book, this for me is not a book that you sit down and read from cover to cover it will be read many times over the years different sections for different situations its quite an amazing book I confess to not having read every single page but I can I assure you it will be my go to book in times of need thank you.

[Madeleine]

i enjoyed the multigenre format of this short book, and was especially moved by the poems in it — i’m super curious to read more poetry by yrsa daley-ward! some chapters felt more resonant than others, and i appreciated the more tangible ones, ie exercises and writing prompts to notice patterns and details in the everyday.

[Amy Alice · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wishy washy. Exactly what happens when a poet tries to write self help. Felt both preachy and substanceless? The language was beautiful, so read it as poetry and I think there will be more to gain from it.

[David Reeves · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this slowly. I repeated her teachings to others. I will reread it. It is kind and wise.

[Reade Rossman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easy breezy beautiful and light. A powerful meditation on self love in young adulthood.

[bowiesbooks · Rating 3 out of 5]

'We are missing so much every time we behave as though the world is something outside of ourselves.'

The How is a self-help book of sorts. It is Yrsa Daley-Ward's inner thoughts and feelings about life and how we can make the most of it, and stay true to ourselves. She says herself, that this book is, in a way, telling people what they already know. And I agree, there was nothing spectacularly new and revolutionary in this book. But I don't think that that took away from the beauty of it. Sometimes we simply need reminders about life and the ups and downs of it and this book provided that.

It discussed a range of topics from everyday life and the struggles of navigating it, to grief. My favourite essay was the one of self-care and self love. It was a good reinforcement that self-care doesn't have to mean putting on a facemask and painting your toes. Instead, it is about what makes you feel closer and truer to yourself.
I did enjoy this book and I think it's one that I would comeback to if I was feeling particularly thoughtful about life. I loved the authors honestly and how she confesses that this book is at the end of the day, for her.

'I wrote from my own experience, as someone constantly wishing to follow my heart and always having to move myself out of the way.'

[Susie Dumond · Rating 5 out of 5]

Through a combination of lyrical prose and poetry, Daley-Ward encourages readers to peel back the layers we’ve built up based on societal expectations and get to know the real, unique, hidden person beneath. Although this is difficult work, Daley-Ward’s beautiful writing shows how important and inspiring it can be as well. I'm not much of a book highlighter/underliner, but I highlighted at least one thing in every single chapter. This slim book somehow manages to offer a piece of advice and an exercise for any struggle. I'm now convinced that poets make the absolute best self-help writers. I will certainly return to these words again and again.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Rumsha · Rating 5 out of 5]

In an era teeming with brilliant, visceral poetry, Yrsa Daley-Ward’s is hands down my personal favourite. I continue to hold so much space for the reflections brought forth in bone, that I tried not to have too many expectations of The How because how could one soul be tasked with the realization and presentation of so many gems? I needn’t have worried for she’s no ordinary thinker. The How is a deep dive into the psyche of a torn generation and, at once, imminently palatable. Though a short work, it deserves first to be savoured, then endlessly ruminated upon. I’ll be holding on to this offering for some time yet, while eagerly awaiting whatever the author deigns to serve us next.

[Eline · Rating 4 out of 5]

ik lees nooit self-help boeken, laat staan dat ik ze goed vind. maar dit was echt heel mooi!!

"the how" in dit boek staat voor de manier waarop je op de meest pure manier jezelf kan zijn en beter kan leren kennen, en ik kon de positieve manier van denken van de auteur heeeel erg waarderen :)

af en toe grensde dit aan te zweef voor mij, en soms sprong het een beetje van de hak op de tak, maar overall: great success

storygraph reads the world challenge: jamaica

[Izzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

bone is easily one of my top books of poetry
the terrible is also an amazing piece of writing

since yrsa daley ward is one of my favorite writers i was hesitant to read this because i’m usually critical of “self help” books. however i had a long commute and put this on as an audiobook and found myself satisfied that i decided to pick it up. i think hearing her voice (which i had wished i listened to the terrible instead of reading it) read the book made it 100 times better since she is an amazing storyteller and poet.

[Myriam · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 rounded
This is a self help book!! Which I didn't expect, but the fact that it was written so poetically made me believe that I'll enjoy it, but nope! Still, lovely writing and idea, just for those who are interested in the subject but are tired of sterile language.

[Saz · Rating 5 out of 5]

“What a natural gift it is to be as multidimensional as you are, to foster a steady and growing awareness of the possibilities running alongside you. What an entirely full experience it is, to exist in the vast and fluid spectrum of our lives and capabilities”
THIS BOOK⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love her poetry and usually read something on self-reflection at the start of a new year. Perfect for creatives with melancholy bents.

[Rebecca Drewe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow this book was powerful! I listened to the audiobook version and fully intend to buy a copy so I can practice some of the things Yrsa suggests to empower myself and change my way of thinking into something more positive.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the PERFECT book to read at the end of 2023, a year that was seemingly forged in the pits of hell. If you are ending a bad year or any other *atrocious* time: Pick this book up. ❤️

[Isha · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5. This reads somewhat like a free write or disjointed collection of thoughts and musings by Yrsa Daley-Ward. I found myself questioning her authority to describe certain thoughts as universal truths and yet, underlining them just the same. For me, the most moving chapters, if you can call them that, are on desire (creating), beginning, ending, blessed expertise, and not the end of the day (grief).

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book feels like it was written for me by my higher self. 💚💙💜

[Liah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book you don't read, you savior. This is a book you could read in a day, but shouldn't because it is about reflection. This is a book you will pick up again and again. This is a book you wish you had read twenty years ago, yet you know it arrived at the perfect time. This book is a gift.

[Safiya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. Was it an engaging read? For the most part, yes. Did I enjoy reading? Again, mostly yes. Did I find it insightful? Not really, no.

This book is described as an exploration of how we can meet ourselves, with short lyrical musings and stunning poetry; unfortunately for me it struggles with all of those things.

I typically adore Daley-Ward’s writing/poetry, but this for me was a stream of consciousness, somewhat lilting at times, but poetic and lyrical feels a stretch. The ‘workbook’ type explorations felt quite few and far between, I did give them all a go and really enjoyed the pause for thought, but they weren’t really anything different to my typical daily meditation exercises that I find elsewhere. And that’s what I found with most of the book, the thoughts are nothing really new if you are already familiar with these kind of meditative or reflective practices (or even on the ‘spiritual’ side of social media). There are visualisation exercises, opportunities to reflect and various other meditative practices.

I feel like I should say it’s not a bad book, it’s always great to have something to guide your thinking in this exploratory way and I’m sure there are many who will find the contents really helpful; I personally found it quite a relaxing January, bedtime read.

I occasionally work with public writing groups and think this book would be great as way for them to prompt their thinking and relax them into writing their own similar explorations where they can engage with themselves. Some of the prompts were great for loosening my mind a little, and think they’d be great exercises in getting people to just put words on paper.


I received an advanced copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley.