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Reigniting the Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy, and How to Get It Back
Learn how to have better sex with your partner and build a lasting, satisfying relationship in this guide by a seasoned couples therapist.
Dr. Bruce Chalmer's Reigniting the Spark shows couples how to build a lasting relationship full of passion and fulfillment. You'll find out how to improve your communication, have better sex, and avoid pointless arguments.
Dr. Chalmer combines his expertise in science with thirty years of experience as a couples therapist to show how you can restore intimacy and overcome any relationship problem to create and maintain a lively, loving, lasting relationship. He offers a unique perspective on the role of faith--not necessarily religious--in relationships. Whatever your faith background, religious or secular, Dr. Chalmer's approach to faith as a key to unlocking intimacy will inform and inspire you.
This book explores the most common issues that sap the happiness out of a relationship and shows you exactly what to do to turn it around. Written in a relatable and easy-to-understand style, Reigniting the Spark will help you better understand yourself and your partner so you can both be more satisfied.
Whether you're reading alone or with a partner, this book will teach you:
How to build and restore intimacy, trust, and a deep connection in your relationship
How to identify triggering issues like trauma that could be sapping the joy out of your relationship, and exactly what to do about it
A list of bad reasons people get married--and one good one
How to go from plain old sex, to good sex, to sacred sex
How to be your best self when your partner has been unfaithful
How to know when to break up, and when to work through the inevitable growing pains in your relationship
Reigniting the Spark is for any couple who's ready to create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Perfect for fans of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Jon Gottman and Nan Silver, Kosher Sex by Shmuley Boteach, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
Dr. Bruce Chalmer's Reigniting the Spark shows couples how to build a lasting relationship full of passion and fulfillment. You'll find out how to improve your communication, have better sex, and avoid pointless arguments.
Dr. Chalmer combines his expertise in science with thirty years of experience as a couples therapist to show how you can restore intimacy and overcome any relationship problem to create and maintain a lively, loving, lasting relationship. He offers a unique perspective on the role of faith--not necessarily religious--in relationships. Whatever your faith background, religious or secular, Dr. Chalmer's approach to faith as a key to unlocking intimacy will inform and inspire you.
This book explores the most common issues that sap the happiness out of a relationship and shows you exactly what to do to turn it around. Written in a relatable and easy-to-understand style, Reigniting the Spark will help you better understand yourself and your partner so you can both be more satisfied.
Whether you're reading alone or with a partner, this book will teach you:
How to build and restore intimacy, trust, and a deep connection in your relationship
How to identify triggering issues like trauma that could be sapping the joy out of your relationship, and exactly what to do about it
A list of bad reasons people get married--and one good one
How to go from plain old sex, to good sex, to sacred sex
How to be your best self when your partner has been unfaithful
How to know when to break up, and when to work through the inevitable growing pains in your relationship
Reigniting the Spark is for any couple who's ready to create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Perfect for fans of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Jon Gottman and Nan Silver, Kosher Sex by Shmuley Boteach, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
191 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 29, 2020
17 people are currently reading
21 people want to read
About the author
Bruce Chalmer
6 books3 followersDr. Bruce Chalmer has been helping couples for over thirty years. Through his teaching, consulting, and videos about relationships, his ideas have helped thousands of couples and their therapists.
Together with his wife, Judy Alexander, Dr. Chalmer is the host of the Couples Therapy in Seven Words podcast (https://ctin7.com).
Dr. Chalmer's website is https://brucechalmer.com.
Together with his wife, Judy Alexander, Dr. Chalmer is the host of the Couples Therapy in Seven Words podcast (https://ctin7.com).
Dr. Chalmer's website is https://brucechalmer.com.
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
December 13, 2023
Chalmer has a podcast I was a guest on, called “Couples Therapy in Seven Words”, so I thought I would read his books! I really love how he talks in this book about the balance between intimacy & stability. He also addresses many important issues, like forgiveness, infidelity and anxiety. This book is worth a read!
September 10, 2020
[Note: This book was provided free of charge by TCK Publishing in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]
This is one of those books that is fascinating in its contents but not something that is immediately and personally relevant. Part of the interest in this book comes from the fact that the author is a psychologist who practices as a couples therapist. This presents an awkward situation, acknowledged openly by the author, where he seeks to use his insights to encourage a larger body of potential readers who would not be able to be a part of his practice without violating the trust that he has established with his clients. It was entertaining to read several notes throughout the book that the author had made his accounts of couples as composites and that he had to tell couples whose issues were similar to those in the book that he was in the process of writing a book and that they were not in it. This is the sort of dilemma as a writer that I can well understand, and I hope that this particular book gives the author a high degree of credibility in encouraging intimacy among his target audience of middle-aged and older couples who might find that the spark of excitement and intimacy has gone in their married lives.
This book is a relatively short one at less than 140 pages and 14 relatively short chapters. The book begins with a discussion of the author's view of relationships in seven words: be kind, don't panic, and have faith. The author begins the main section of the book with talking about the Song of Solomon and what it has to say about intimacy within relationships (1). This leads to a discussion of the golden gifts in tension of intimacy and stability (2), as well as the good and bad effects of panic and our attempts to deal with it (3) and the death spiral for passion (4). The author talks about trauma and relationships (5), the need for people to get a hold of themselves (6), and then the tone of the book shifts as the author talks about faith (7), how it helps with relationships (8), and the relationship between faith and forgiveness (9). The author discusses why it is that we should get married (10), as well as the difference between sex, good sex, and sacred sex in marriage (11). After that the author talks about infidelity (12), knowing when to end a relationship (13), and a prophecy of what happened to the various composite couples discussed earlier (14), after which the book closes with an epilogue, acknowledgements, and some information about the author.
One of the author's more intriguing insights in this book is the way that intimacy and stability are often in tension with each other, and that the lack of one tends to endanger the other in a relationship. Where intimacy is high and stability is low, the lack of stability makes it hard to stay together, or want to, no matter how good the sex is. Likewise, the presence of stability and not intimacy in a marriage relationship may encourage one or both of the partners to stray, with disastrous consequences on the stability of the relationship when that betrayal is processed. Interestingly enough, the composite pictures of the various couples in therapy rings true as they are definitely types I am familiar with as well, and it is all too easy to recognize the trouble that people have in dealing with the betrayal involved in relationships and the way that can often lead to breaking up, especially when the betrayal is reciprocated by the other partner. This book is full of wise advice that may either help encourage people to change their behaviors without therapy, or help them into counseling that might help them to break some bad habits before it's too late.
This is one of those books that is fascinating in its contents but not something that is immediately and personally relevant. Part of the interest in this book comes from the fact that the author is a psychologist who practices as a couples therapist. This presents an awkward situation, acknowledged openly by the author, where he seeks to use his insights to encourage a larger body of potential readers who would not be able to be a part of his practice without violating the trust that he has established with his clients. It was entertaining to read several notes throughout the book that the author had made his accounts of couples as composites and that he had to tell couples whose issues were similar to those in the book that he was in the process of writing a book and that they were not in it. This is the sort of dilemma as a writer that I can well understand, and I hope that this particular book gives the author a high degree of credibility in encouraging intimacy among his target audience of middle-aged and older couples who might find that the spark of excitement and intimacy has gone in their married lives.
This book is a relatively short one at less than 140 pages and 14 relatively short chapters. The book begins with a discussion of the author's view of relationships in seven words: be kind, don't panic, and have faith. The author begins the main section of the book with talking about the Song of Solomon and what it has to say about intimacy within relationships (1). This leads to a discussion of the golden gifts in tension of intimacy and stability (2), as well as the good and bad effects of panic and our attempts to deal with it (3) and the death spiral for passion (4). The author talks about trauma and relationships (5), the need for people to get a hold of themselves (6), and then the tone of the book shifts as the author talks about faith (7), how it helps with relationships (8), and the relationship between faith and forgiveness (9). The author discusses why it is that we should get married (10), as well as the difference between sex, good sex, and sacred sex in marriage (11). After that the author talks about infidelity (12), knowing when to end a relationship (13), and a prophecy of what happened to the various composite couples discussed earlier (14), after which the book closes with an epilogue, acknowledgements, and some information about the author.
One of the author's more intriguing insights in this book is the way that intimacy and stability are often in tension with each other, and that the lack of one tends to endanger the other in a relationship. Where intimacy is high and stability is low, the lack of stability makes it hard to stay together, or want to, no matter how good the sex is. Likewise, the presence of stability and not intimacy in a marriage relationship may encourage one or both of the partners to stray, with disastrous consequences on the stability of the relationship when that betrayal is processed. Interestingly enough, the composite pictures of the various couples in therapy rings true as they are definitely types I am familiar with as well, and it is all too easy to recognize the trouble that people have in dealing with the betrayal involved in relationships and the way that can often lead to breaking up, especially when the betrayal is reciprocated by the other partner. This book is full of wise advice that may either help encourage people to change their behaviors without therapy, or help them into counseling that might help them to break some bad habits before it's too late.
June 2, 2020
Reigniting the Spark
Dr. Bruce Chalmer
Dr. Chalmer’s book, Reigniting The Spark focuses on couples in some really unique and refreshing ways and his mantra is a seven-word phrase that he uses with all of his couples “Be Kind Don’t Panic and Have Faith”.
In his over thirty years in practice Dr. Chalmer has helped numerous couples and over those decades those couples and their problems helped him create his seven-word formula. Throughout the book Dr. Chalmer gives his readers advice on how to improve their relationships he uses composite couples that he’s helped over the years. In each chapter he covers a specific issue and demonstrates through his couples what to do and what not to do implementing his principles.
The principles that will be discussed at length in the book follow:
Be Kind-he uses this not only as being nice but in relation to kinship
Don’t panic – means getting a hold of yourself don’t let panic rule your reactions
Have Faith-isn’t religious based but more trust based and he’ll go into detail about what he means.
Not all relationships can be saved but he tries to even in the face of betrayals and relationship deaths for whatever reason how to end with kindness.
I personally have enjoyed a relatively happy forty-year plus marriage and this book has taught this old dog some new tricks especially dealing with all the trappings of the current pandemic and shelter in place and with a spouse in mid-stages of Parkinson’s and all the nasty effects.
Whether or not you need guidance or counseling, whether or not your part of an opposite sex or same sex relationship Dr. Chalmer’s book has something for everyone.
Dr. Bruce Chalmer
Dr. Chalmer’s book, Reigniting The Spark focuses on couples in some really unique and refreshing ways and his mantra is a seven-word phrase that he uses with all of his couples “Be Kind Don’t Panic and Have Faith”.
In his over thirty years in practice Dr. Chalmer has helped numerous couples and over those decades those couples and their problems helped him create his seven-word formula. Throughout the book Dr. Chalmer gives his readers advice on how to improve their relationships he uses composite couples that he’s helped over the years. In each chapter he covers a specific issue and demonstrates through his couples what to do and what not to do implementing his principles.
The principles that will be discussed at length in the book follow:
Be Kind-he uses this not only as being nice but in relation to kinship
Don’t panic – means getting a hold of yourself don’t let panic rule your reactions
Have Faith-isn’t religious based but more trust based and he’ll go into detail about what he means.
Not all relationships can be saved but he tries to even in the face of betrayals and relationship deaths for whatever reason how to end with kindness.
I personally have enjoyed a relatively happy forty-year plus marriage and this book has taught this old dog some new tricks especially dealing with all the trappings of the current pandemic and shelter in place and with a spouse in mid-stages of Parkinson’s and all the nasty effects.
Whether or not you need guidance or counseling, whether or not your part of an opposite sex or same sex relationship Dr. Chalmer’s book has something for everyone.
September 5, 2020
Reigniting the Spark is part textbook, part case studies and part relationship advice. Chalmer provides information divided into four parts: Be Kind, Don't Panic, And Have Faith, Now Go and Learn. At the end of each chapter is a section called Reflections, which features a set of questions for you to consider. In order to protect the privacy of his patients, Chalmer creates composite couples that are followed throughout the book. It's easy for the reader to identify with and become intrigued by their stories. I found myself projecting as to which couple will stay married and which one will divorce.
The Chapters on Faith and Forgiveness should be a must read for every married couple or those contemplating marriage. The assumption that everyone should get married is debunked and analyzed. Being happily married for 47 years, "Be kind, don't panic, and have faith." are easy words to remember when every day life is not what we expect. No one goes into marriage expecting failure.
I enjoyed reading and learned more from this book than I expected to. The format and structure of the book makes it easy to pick up and put down. Some chapters evoke reflection and discussion introducing aspects of a relationship that are rarely examined. Some spouses assume that if the other partner communicated better, the marriage will be better. Will this book solve all of your intimacy issues? Probably not, however, you will find comfort in the fact that many couples are just like you and this book will provide discussion points to reclaim and improve on your relationship.
This book will make a great Book Club Book pick, many discussion points and relatable at any age and years married. Definitely a recommended read! Reviewed at https://pennyformythoughts-nona.blogs...
The Chapters on Faith and Forgiveness should be a must read for every married couple or those contemplating marriage. The assumption that everyone should get married is debunked and analyzed. Being happily married for 47 years, "Be kind, don't panic, and have faith." are easy words to remember when every day life is not what we expect. No one goes into marriage expecting failure.
I enjoyed reading and learned more from this book than I expected to. The format and structure of the book makes it easy to pick up and put down. Some chapters evoke reflection and discussion introducing aspects of a relationship that are rarely examined. Some spouses assume that if the other partner communicated better, the marriage will be better. Will this book solve all of your intimacy issues? Probably not, however, you will find comfort in the fact that many couples are just like you and this book will provide discussion points to reclaim and improve on your relationship.
This book will make a great Book Club Book pick, many discussion points and relatable at any age and years married. Definitely a recommended read! Reviewed at https://pennyformythoughts-nona.blogs...
June 7, 2020
I was looking forward to reading and reviewing Reigniting The Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy and How to Get It Back by Dr. Bruce Chalmer. After 47 years of marriage, I was hoping this book would lead to adding a little spark to the relationship.
Dr. Chalmer’s methodology to improving a couple’s relationship boils down to seven words: “Be kind, don’t panic, and have faith.” Basically, the book is divided into three sections, each explaining one of these principles. At the end of each chapter, there are reflection questions to help the reader assimilate and internalize the information taught.
Dr. Chalmer very patiently and logically takes the reader through his methodology. His fictitious couples demonstrate various types of relationship problems. Throughout the book, he returns to these couples to show how they used his three basic principles. I found this is a very helpful teaching technique.
I recommend Reigniting The Spark to those who wish to better understand ways to improve their relationship or to better understand how couples therapy works. It is a good start for those who want to put the work into saving a relationship.
Dr. Chalmer’s methodology to improving a couple’s relationship boils down to seven words: “Be kind, don’t panic, and have faith.” Basically, the book is divided into three sections, each explaining one of these principles. At the end of each chapter, there are reflection questions to help the reader assimilate and internalize the information taught.
Dr. Chalmer very patiently and logically takes the reader through his methodology. His fictitious couples demonstrate various types of relationship problems. Throughout the book, he returns to these couples to show how they used his three basic principles. I found this is a very helpful teaching technique.
I recommend Reigniting The Spark to those who wish to better understand ways to improve their relationship or to better understand how couples therapy works. It is a good start for those who want to put the work into saving a relationship.
February 3, 2021
In a very important part of the book, Dr. Chalmer mentions a word that I did not think a couples therapist could mention: FAITH. And the explanation given about it in this book is so interesting, so (at least to me) new, which is precisely why I recommend that everyone read this book. Here, faith is explained beyond fundamentalism or religious parameters. It is even explained far beyond the meaning of the word itself (that meaning that we find in the dictionary). And the word itself, here, does not come with pretense or deceit: it comes pure and simple, explanatory and meaningful, and can surprise anyone very much why it is necessary to keep it in mind in a relationship; especially if there are conflicts or problems within the couple. I'm not going to spoil anything regarding the term Faith mentioned in Rainithing The Spark; you will be the ones who know what I am talking about when you start reading.
June 30, 2021
This is a guide to help couples who may feel as though the fire is gone. They feel their relationship needs a punch. " Be kind, don't panic and have faith". You probably know what needs to be fixed, this book will help you along the way and keep you motivated. Both of you need to work on the relationship issues. One person can't fix it.
Well written in simple terms, this book is a winner. I love that it doesn't do the work for you. Both parties were working together but separately when things began to break down. This wonderful guide will give you the tools to fix the issues. I think it's lovely that Dr. Chalmer shared this toolbox with the world. It's truly needed. Perhaps it will save many couples now that it's available. Get your Copy!
I didn't find any issues here.
I gave this one 5 cheers out of 5 because it does help and you will find yourself using these tools for other issues. The author provided a copy of the book but I chose to review it.
Well written in simple terms, this book is a winner. I love that it doesn't do the work for you. Both parties were working together but separately when things began to break down. This wonderful guide will give you the tools to fix the issues. I think it's lovely that Dr. Chalmer shared this toolbox with the world. It's truly needed. Perhaps it will save many couples now that it's available. Get your Copy!
I didn't find any issues here.
I gave this one 5 cheers out of 5 because it does help and you will find yourself using these tools for other issues. The author provided a copy of the book but I chose to review it.
Read
December 5, 2020Excellent Advice for Couples Everywhere!
Filled with true accounts from his many years as a Psychologist working with couples, Dr. Chalmer offers 14 Chapters of sound, solid advice on keeping the love and commitment alive in your relationship.
My (now deceased) spouse of twenty years and I had a relationship many only dream of. We maintained the spark with many of the same methods Dr. Chalmer outlines in his book so it greatly resonated with me.
Thank you Dr. Chalmer.
Filled with true accounts from his many years as a Psychologist working with couples, Dr. Chalmer offers 14 Chapters of sound, solid advice on keeping the love and commitment alive in your relationship.
My (now deceased) spouse of twenty years and I had a relationship many only dream of. We maintained the spark with many of the same methods Dr. Chalmer outlines in his book so it greatly resonated with me.
Thank you Dr. Chalmer.
March 11, 2021
Very interesting read with lots of interesting information for couples whether troubled, complacent or just wanting more satisfaction.
February 14, 2024
Filled with sound advice, but fails to answer its central thesis. 3/5 Stars
July 15, 2025
Meaningful
After I read a few chapters, my wife and I started reading a bit in this book each night and discussing parts that we found meaningful.
I quite like his seven word formula:
Be Kind, Don’t Panic, and Have Faith.
His definition of faith is much broader that what most people give it.
See: https://couplestherapyinsevenwords.com/
After I read a few chapters, my wife and I started reading a bit in this book each night and discussing parts that we found meaningful.
I quite like his seven word formula:
Be Kind, Don’t Panic, and Have Faith.
His definition of faith is much broader that what most people give it.
See: https://couplestherapyinsevenwords.com/
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews