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328 pages, Hardcover
First published November 2, 2021
Of course I am unwritten. Of course I am hacked out of the book. It would have been part of the banishment. Lear would have splintered me from his family tree, so that his girls came from his own body, without wombs.
I am the queen of two crowns, banished fifteen years, the famed and gilded woman, bad-luck baleful girl, mother of three small animals, now gone. I am fifty-five years old. I am Lear's wife. I am here.
Is that my name? I seem to lose it. I reach for it sometimes and there is nothing. Hands empty; hands full of water, of girls' hair. I smile. Well, it does not matter. Nothing will come of nothing.
There are some parts of the immediate that will not fade. Lust still rises. Brushes the inside of my pelvic bone with its gold tail. The turn of a servant girl with her breast in a tunic; some masculine part, a flower’s pendulum, a horse panting at abbey gates. The scent of crushed parsley, which I rubbed on Lear’s breastbone for bruises. Running hands over the house of his ribs, the long sweet dip above his heart. Unknowing, years ago, I walked past the point where no man would touch me any more.
I know I am clouding at the edges. The past is filling me. But there is still life to be had, here. There is a contest, a prize. I must do as Kent says.
‘I am the queen of two crowns, banished fifteen years, the famed and gilded woman, bad-luck baleful girl, mother of three small animals, now gone. I am fifty-five years old. I am Lear’s wife. I am here’.
I am the queen of two crowns, banished fifteen years, the famed and gilded woman, bad-luck baleful girl, mother of three small animals, now gone. I am fifty-five years old. I am Lear’s wife. I am here. History has not taken my body, not yet.
Dead and dead and dead. Under the crack of this grief I feel myself slipping out into other forms: animal, vegetal, sea-spill foam, winter wind, a boar roaring blue in the dark. Then at least I would fit the tales: story-woman, death’s head, corrupting flesh at the touch. Oh, I know them, every ghost has good ears.
Pleasure. Queens live lives entirely made of pleasure, a girl said in my childhood convent. As if power were never discomfiting, as if luxury were always simple. And yet I had luck: it laid its pollen on my skull; I was a blessed woman. I had my children and none died in the cradle. I had two husbands and I lived past their span. I was imprisoned and frequently thwarted but still there is this, the golden cake, the beginning rain.