Life After Loss: A Practical Guide To Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss

by Bob Deits

"One of the classics in the field of crisis intervention" (Dr. Earl Grollman), Life after Loss is the go-to resource for anyone who has suffered a significant life change. Loss can be overwhelming, and recovery often seems daunting, if not impossible. With great compassion and insight, Deits provides practical exercises for navigating the uncertain terrain of loss and grief, helping readers find positive ways to put together a life that is necessarily different, but equally meaningful. With two new chapters and significant changes throughout reflecting Deits's ongoing experience in counseling, Life after Loss is an essential "roadmap for those in grief" (Lawrence J. Lincoln, MD, Staff, Elisabeth KÿRoss Center).

Genres: Self Help, Grief, Nonfiction, Psychology, Spirituality, Personal Growth

272 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1988

Reviews

[Karol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I worked my way through this book slowly, but I'm surprised it took 4 months! I suffered a terrible loss in August of 2012 that somehow I couldn't get through. As I soaked in one chapter at a time, I realized that (1) for what I had endured, the length of my grief process was not entirely unexpected and (2) I had actually gone further in working through my grief than I realized. Some chapters re-opened areas I had not fully dealt with and so I had to finish some work. Other chapters awoke a fresh hope in me. Before I got to the end, I realized I "was done with it" emotionally; ready to not forget, but to truly move on. Today, about a week after that realization I read "One day you will sense it is time to leave the past and get on with the present and the future. When that day comes, you will have completed the journey and finished the work." I believe that is where I finally and truly have landed.

I do recommend this book for any stage of grief, whether you are dealing with a fresh loss or have been struggling with one for some time.

[Sara Chouki · Rating 5 out of 5]

The one thing I loved most about this book, was that it acknowledged that grief is not just the loss of a person through death, but grief can be so many other things, and come in so many other forms. Grief is the loss of something or someone. It is the loss of anything that had a significant meaning to you. I felt like this book understood so well how alienating it can feel to experience a massive loss and for that loss or the magnitude of it to be downplayed or dismissed by others.

Another thing I deeply appreciated about this book was that it acknowledged that grief can last a lifetime. I related to it on such a deep level as I was reading it to understand the reason why I was still grieving something half a decade on.

There were so many incredible quotes that I continue to read and look back on. A book for life, and one of the best I am yet to come across on the study of grief and loss.

[mary Hendley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life isn’t perfect

My world has shattered. My husband, my friend, the proud father of two wonderful sons has died. I needed help and this book gave me a lifeline.

[Doug · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wide ranging, full of useful insights and strategies for dealing with the death of a loved one, and other major life losses such as divorce. Easy writing style. Many brief case studies and examples, possibly too many as I skipped over most of these. Very repetitive. Some useful insights come late in the book when they might have been more useful early on. Could have been organized chronologically from the first days of loss to each stage thereafter.

[Olwen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like the title says, this book is practical. You could pick up the book at any stage of your loss (before, during, just after, long after) and find exercises and guidance to support you. I read the fifth edition, apparently there is at least one later edition too.

[Jake · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bob Deits does an excellent job of consoling the reader. He assures you that what you feel through grief is entirely normal and - sometimes - normal. There is mention of religion that may not be helpful to people who are not religious. If you are, it will help. He seems careless at times, as if his loss was not significant. He urges you to "move on" and "get over it." The choice of wording is not the best, but I am sure he had the best intentions. Lines on pages 268, 272, and 278-280 were questionable. On 268, he only mentions "opposite sex" relationships, which is not inclusive to people in same-sex relationships. On page 272, he uses misogynistic language when speaking about a person losing their partner. He talks about women needing to"find a job for the first time in years" and then says that a man has to get used to paying "two residences" as if a woman or person cannot support herself/themself once the man is out of the picture. On pages 278-280, he mentions a story about a woman not being openly able to talk about death because her husband did not like it, and then when he passed away, the author writes that she was unprepared to cope with her husband's death and that it made her go to therapy and be on medications for two to three years. He comments on it and says "really sad -- and unnecessary". Everyone grieves differently, and their level of preparedness varies from person to person. What may have seemed unnecessary to him, might have been sufficient for her. Bob mentions on pages 279 and 280, that if you prepare yourself to go through grief that you will not feel as scared and be more confident with the whole process. No matter how much you prepare, losing a loved one will not get easier nor will you grief for a month and come out a champion or an "adventurer". I do not believe that someone should be proud to be a good griever or anything of the sort. You can be proud that you have made it this far, but certainly not proud that you are good at grieving. Those are my two cents. Take what you will.

[JennieWithTheBooks☮️(◕‿◕✿) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little bit of info about me; I love to read self-help books! The writing in this book is in layman’s terms. I try to read a variety of self-help books occasionally simply to help broaden my own understanding of trauma, pain, disorders, etc.
At the moment I have found some of the information contained quite relevant to what the entire world is going through this year. Deits describes loss as more than the death of a loved one but the loss of anything that changes our sense of normal life. Several times he mentions how in order to get through the grief of the loss we are required to construct a new normal.... sound familiar!?
Grief is an intense emotions and when it comes to a great loss, as we have all experienced this year, there are not rights and wrongs. According to Deits, grieving a loss is not a matter of weeks but can, and should, be counted in months and years. Some people might get angry, some people might be hysterical, and some might be calm, these are all ways of coping with changes. There is no way around grief, only the option to face it and go through it, and whatever you require to do so is alright as long as it is not numbing you, because you must acknowledge the loss in order to move past it and start living your "new" normal.
This book was never written to represent the population during a global pandemic, however, it has proven a useful tool during these changing times.

[Charlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up from the shelves of a colleague who was retiring. Some of the language and examples were a bit dated, but the underlying material stands up just fine. The author is a pastoral counselor, so he shows no real allegiance to any particular brand of psychotherapy; he just proposes activities, questions, and perspectives that might help a person transition through a major loss. Deits has a strongly religious but non-denominational view to his work, making it best for people who share a Christian worldview. Many of the activities within the book would still work for a bereaved person who did not place faith in a higher power, but I felt the most significant parts were those aimed at rescuing people from the guilt trip of grieving for someone who has "gone to a better place" because "God needed another angel." Deits has some cogent arguments for how our grief need not conflict with our faith and even for how to navigate the fraught waters surrounding feeling angry with God. Probably a little more useful for individuals or people with a pastoral mandate, but I still felt more confident working with bereaved clients after reading it.

[Samantha Feistritzer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was comforting to read as someone who just experienced a major loss because the themes were kept simple and repeated often. There were a few exercises throughout that I thought were particularly useful, but I didn’t think they were spaced out well to use this book as a “workbook” of sorts. He includes lots of anecdotes about how he’s seen other people respond to grief which I enjoyed, but I could see how it could become frustrating to people.

The last chapter of the book provides step-by-step instructions on how to form a grief support group, what you should do each session, and homework assignments for people to work through. I think that chapter was very well done and, if you’re looking to start a grief support group, or even just want to work through grief with a friend, this book would be a very good resource for you.

He’s a clergyman, so religion is discussed a lot. As someone who isn’t Christian, I still enjoyed the book and thought his approach to religion was pretty fair and balanced, all things considered.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author of this book is so very understanding, and writes in perhaps the most empathetic tone I have ever read. It is wonderful for helping you deal with sorrow... but it is very repetitive. Then again, I think the repetition does help. I didn't feel like I needed to finish it (I got to Disc 4 of 7), because I was starting to feel a lot better. Continuing to listen to the audiobook kinda felt like I was prolonging my grief... I had purposefully picked it up because I was going through a very difficult but temporary time, so once that was over I was ready to move on. I highly recommend it for anyone going through grief, anyone who can imagine they will soon be going through grief, or anyone who is trying to support a grieving loved one.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a 35m widow of 4 months. I am not ok but that is fine. I have passed through many of the stages mentioned. I am even going to try and re-read this again at some point next year to see if it hits me differently. It is guidebook of what to expect and when to expect the feelings to hit you. I am currently in the phase where sleep is getting hard and i have major health issues appearing that i am getting tested for. I like to be prepared for what i could expect emotionally at like 6 months, a year etc...

[Malcolm Broderick · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was used as the recommended reading and guide used by the bereavement support group that I attended. I think it was the perfect choice for the group. The book is well structured with lots of important points highlighted by larger print callout boxes. A full index of terms and topics makes revisiting parts easy. If you are dealing with a major loss in your life, this book will help you through it. Every loss takes time to work your way through it, and everyone has a different timetable of how long that takes.

[Danielle Rogowski · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didnt like this book. Bob talks to his readers like they are 5 years old and naive. He isn't even a psychologist so maybe that's why his tone is the way it is. I cant finish this patronizing, depressing book. He talks like he knows the answers and you dont. I hate not finishing a book but this is garbage, sorry.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have have this book recommended by several people, esp Pastors/ Counselors.

I have lost 3 very close friends/ confidants in the last few years.
I was told by a leader in one grief group that loosing a friend didn't count.
I found the book helpful but a lot of it has to do with a spouse or relative.

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deits illustrates moments of grief in the simplest most exquisite ways. He is blunt and honest in all realms of healing from coping mechanisms with substances to toxic religion. If you're looking for a pat on the back he'll give that to you...sometimes. a very true and honest read.

[Evil Secret Ninja · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great basic book about grief and some good exercises to help people deal with grief. It was a little heavy on the religious side it felt a little like religious people have an advantage over non-religious people. I can certainly use the exercises in my therapy sessions or in my group on grief.

[Jacob Armatage · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me process some of the difficult emotions that I've experienced following my divorce as well as gain a better, deeper understanding of the grief that people often experience following other major losses.

[Sabrina Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. It was easy to read and wonderfully helpful dealing with my grief. For anyone who has suffered a loss of any kind I highly recommend this book.

[J Crossley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This very comprehensive book on grief is one of the best that i have read. It speaks to loss and grief, major, minor, and silent. I will use this as a reference.

[Catherine Mustread · Rating 3 out of 5]

How to get through the "mourning" after . . . .

[Skylar Burris · Rating 2 out of 5]

A bit overly broad and simplistic, but the exercises in chapter 18 were useful.

[Volodymyr Kochyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Дуже крута і практична книжка для тих в кого є в житті втрата.

[Lisa Elkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent info

[AJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ty Karen <3

[LemontreeLime · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eloquent.

[Candice · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, quite a good book on how to deal with and respond to loss. It includes both death and divorce, as well as other types of losses (unemployment, bankruptcy, moves, etc.) in its subject matter and does a good job of emphasizing that every person and situation is unique, that there's no one "right way" to heal, and that it's not a quick, fast-food process. At the same time, though, the author still tends to project that there's a "normal" timeline for moving through loss...so it contradicts itself at the same time. I would have liked a bit more attention, emphasis, discussion, or recognition that the "normal timeline" isn't as realistic or common as Deits makes it sound. But I could definitely be colored by my own experience of loss and how it hasn't fit into tidy timelines, and other readers might not have the same sensitivity to this issue as I do.

This book includes many exercises to try to help move through your loss. I didn't try any of them, so I can't attest to their effectiveness or not. I already attend a support group for young widows and widowers, though, so the purpose of many of the exercises in this book are already fulfilled, for me, by the discussions we have holistically in our group. For someone who doesn't have such an established network, however, these exercises could be invaluable--particularly if you have been avoiding dealing with the underlying issues.

The book's inclusion of what it calls "quiet losses"--the loss of innocence after childhood sexual assult, the loss of body parts, the stigma still associated with dying from AIDS--was intriguing. It's a topic you don't see too often in books on grief and loss (from what I remember reading thus far, at least), but it's worthy of even more merit and attention.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven't read this book until the very end but as I did read the major part, I feel like I'm entitled to a small review.

This book has drawn my attention because it deals with any kind of loss, and this is something no one has been spared.

I was quite surprised to see it was written by a priest AND it's neither judgmental nor preachy. Actually, the author is kind and understanding. And he doesn't include revelations about how being christian helps you so much in each of his statements which is quite refreshing. Honestly, I wish all religious people were like Bob Deits. Not pushy and not meddling with your affairs but instead, truly religious - tolerant, kind, compassionate.

Not all of the advice was relevant for me but all in all, I consider this book to be a very enlightening reading, regardless of what or who you lost. It's soothing and it reminds you of the basic things that you need to do in order to move on. There are stories, techniques and words to help you. It's definitely worth reading.

[Angela McCuiston · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been immensely helpful for me (and I'm not all the way through it yet) with understanding the grief process: what is normal, what is to be expected, how people around you might treat you and what to say to them. It also helps to know what is ok, and what is not. This book is appropriate for all kinds of loss, not just death and divorce, but moving, losing a job, business, etc. Not having dealt with real grief before, I haven't known what to expect, but now I know what the future holds, I can be prepared for my emotions, my reactions and how others will treat me. We don't know what to say to grieving people - especially those going through divorce. This teaches you that you can NOT grieve on other people's schedule and also how to deal with them.

[Geino Äotsch · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have experienced any kind of loss in your life be it job, a pet, a loved one this book covers it all. This book also covers difficult topics such as cancer, contracting HIV, and chronic illness. It has practical exercises to help you work through your grief that I found incredibly helpful. This is a book that you could read several times and take something different from it each time. This book gave me a deeper understanding for time and length when it comes to grief. Grief and loss are different for everyone and there is no right or wrong amount of time that is acceptable to experience what you are going through. I will be appreciating this book and sharing it with others for many years to come.

[Gregory · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoy reading this book. All I can say is that if you are going through any kind of loss, this is the book for you, your family and friends. The author is very sensitive and respectful which is a rarity these days.

Regardless of your religion or if you don't follow any faith, loss affects us all. You will get better. I know that because I have been through a job loss and the death of both parents. Definitely read this book. You owe it to yourself to mourn and heal from your loss.