Jak uwolnić się od ciężaru dysfunkcyjnej rodziny. Wsparcie dla dorosłych dzieci z trudnych domów

by John C. Friel, Aleksandra Haduła (Translator)

Niniejsza książka dotyczy dorosłych dzieci z rodzin dysfunkcyjnych i została napisana specjalnie dla nich przez autorów, którzy również należą do tej grupy. (…) Napisaliśmy ją, aby przypomnieć tym z nas, którzy zdrowieją, na czym to zdrowienie polega, i że jest ono procesem, nie wydarzeniem. To także książka dla tych spośród nas, którzy wciąż błądzą w mroku – są sceptyczni, odczuwają złość lub czują się zagubieni i poszukują odpowiedzi na pytanie, dlaczego towarzyszą im właśnie takie emocje.

Trudno ci wchodzić w głębsze relacje z otoczeniem? Nie potrafisz stworzyć zdrowego związku? Nie radzisz sobie z rozwiązywaniem konfliktów? Jeśli chociaż na niektóre z tych pytań odpowiedziałeś twierdząco, być może przyszło ci dorastać w dysfunkcyjnej rodzinie.
Wielu z nas wiąże swoje kłopoty w dorosłym życiu z dorastaniem w domach alkoholików. Ale przecież istnieją też rodziny na inne sposoby szkodliwe dla rozwijających się w nich dzieci: tworzą je pracoholicy, przemocowcy, osoby borykające się z chorobami, również psychicznymi, perfekcjoniści, narcyzi… W tych rodzinach problemy takie jak chłód uczuciowy, znęcanie się oraz emocjonalne lub fizyczne zaniedbywanie determinują rzeczywistość dzieci, stając się z czasem niechcianym dziedzictwem.

Jeśli wychowałeś się w takim domu, jest bardzo prawdopodobne, że dziś nie potrafisz nawiązywać zdrowych relacji i masz zniekształcony obraz siebie. Być może stale odczuwasz złość, czujesz zagubienie, cierpisz z powodu uzależnienia czy depresji, nie umiesz zrozumieć targających tobą uczuć albo je wypierasz. Ale niestabilność emocjonalna rodzinnego domu, choć z pewnością odcisnęła na tobie piętno, nie musi prześladować cię przez całe życie. Dzięki tej książce możesz rozpoznać źródło swoich dzisiejszych problemów, a następnie, jak piszą autorzy, terapeuci John i Linda Frielowie, „wejść na drogę zdrowienia”. Być może właśnie ta książka będzie dla ciebie początkiem tego procesu.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Health, Personal Growth, Relationships

296 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1988

Reviews

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very special, very nurturing and very helpful book.

REAL TALK.

I have always been somewhat confused by the term “adult children”.

This book was very clarifying.

Not only regarding that particular term.

But on several other (somewhat – verry) confusing other ideas.

So…

If I may...

Without further delay…

Please allow me to share my findings here in.

ADULT CHILDREN:

The term adult children refers to adults who rely on maladaptive coping strategies acquired in childhood as adaptations to dysfunctional family group and social systems, to the detriment of their: adult relationships, creative and professional achievement, self-efficacy and self-esteem, vitality and motivation, and sense of emotional and spiritual maturity and mastery.

Simply Put: we are adult children when the ways we learned to survive our fucked-up childhood, fuck us up as adults, and then we keep doing it.

Sound familiar?

Me too bro!

BOUNDARIES:

A boundary (in psychology/psychotherapy) refers to explicitly or implicitly communicated or implied demarcations of physical, emotional, relational or behavioral limits, set and maintained within a family, relationship, group or social system.

Healthy boundaries protect the emotional well-being and behavioral integrity of each individual in the system and ensure appropriate limitations on important relational issues such as touching, communication, together verses alone time, finances, and participation in group activities.

We are clearly communicating our healthy boundaries when we say yes or no to someone, based on what is healthy for us, and in a way they can understand. We are maintaining our healthy boundaries when we do what it takes to ensure that our boundaries are respected.

Simply Put: My healthy boundaries are where my healthy limits begin, and your needs and demands on my body, possessions, attention, time and space end.

For Example: Your right to swing your fist ends at my face.

A family system without healthy boundaries is like a home where everyone lives in one big room, with no walls or doors, without privacy, and where everyone’s personal belongings e.g., key, cloths, money etc., are in a big, disorganized pile in the middle of the room. Conflict and chaos inevitably ensue as the individuals attempt to find their things, get dressed, go to work etc.

BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS:
Boundary violations refer to egregious and harmful transgressions of the healthy boundaries. Boundary violations teach children how to be perpetrators and victims.

Simply Put: Boundary violations are when I said no, and you did it anyway (and vice versa).

I dint know about yall.

But my family didn’t have good boundaries.

That can SUPER fuck you up BTW.

ENMESHMENT:

Enmeshment refers to a family system dynamic where the boundaries between individuals are blurred or non-existent. Enmeshed family members are overly involved in each other's lives, thoughts, and emotions, often to the point where it becomes difficult to tell where one person ends, and another begins.

Enmeshment can occur in families where there is a high level of emotional intensity, emotional reactivity and conflict. Enmeshment can also arise in families where there is a parent-child relationship that is too close or where one parent relies too heavily on a child for emotional support.

Enmeshed family members may feel a strong sense of loyalty to each other, but they may also experience a lack of autonomy and difficulty in developing their own identities. Enmeshed individuals frequently suffer from codependency, anxiety and depression, and may have difficulty forming healthy relationships in adult life.

Simply Put: Enmeshment is when everyone is all up in everyone else’s business.

Ummmm…..

Yeah?

😕

CODEPENDENCY:

The authors of this book (John C. & Linda D. Friel) define co-dependency as: “a dysfunctional pattern of living that emerges from our family of origin as well as our culture, producing arrested identity development, and resulting in an overreaction to things outside of us and an under-reaction to things inside of us. Left untreated, it can deteriorate into an addiction.”

Simply Put: Co-dependency is when I put you in front of me, so that you will put me in front of you. And then I get super pissed when that doesn’t work out.

Go figure?

ADAPTATION:

ADAPTATION TO DYSFUNCTION:
Having to adapt to dysfunction teaches children that they are the problem and leads to internalized shame and anxiety.

Simply Put: Having to focus on and caretake others, instead of being a child, makes it seem like your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries don’t matter.

TOLERANCE Of ABUSE/NEGLECT:
Having to tolerate abuse and neglect (dad had a hard life too, so that’s why he is abusive) teaches children to discount their own needs.

Simply Put: (see above)

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES:
• son/boyfriend
• daughter/therapist

UNHEALTHY TRIANGULATION AND SPLITTING:
• Becoming the go between for mom and dad’s communication.
• Being a pawn in a game objectifies us and makes us feel like some or all of the responsibility of the family dysfunction.

CHRONIC SHAME:
• the loss of authentic self in relationship with/to a dysregulating other.

HIDDEN SHAME:
• we conceal our shame from ourselves and others with (a) defensive behaviors (addiction of all kinds, codependency, unhealthy binging and restriction etc.,) and defensive psychological mechanisms (denial, projection, dissociation etc.,) and (b) secondary emotional displays (anger, sadness etc.,)

CORE SHAME:

This one is important, so I will quote from to Dr. Louis Cozolino here:

“core shame develops earlier in childhood as a function of overwhelmingly negative attachment experiences. The emotions of core shame are distinguishable from healthy shame in that they are not related to behavior but to the experience of the self. Children and adults with core shame come to experience themselves as fundamentally defective, worthless, and unlovable: the polar opposite of self-esteem.”

“Negative parental reactions to children’s joy and enthusiasm can be experienced as painful rejection experiences that are translated to the developing psyche as threats of abandonment and death. And to whatever degree early relationships are characterized by these interactions, infants can develop into more hypervigilant, fearful, and avoidant toddlers. These experiences are stored as visceral, sensory, motor, and emotional memories, creating an overall expectation of negative feelings and outcomes during future social interactions. In this way, the experience of core shame becomes interwoven with our attachment schema.”

“the primitive parasympathetic reflex to freeze in the face of negative parental reactions has unfortunately become part of the infrastructure of later-evolving psychological processes related to attachment, safety, and self-worth. For social animals like ourselves, the fundamental question of “Am I safe?” has become woven together with the answer to the question “Am I loveable?” The shutdown designed to protect us from danger will subsequently interfere with our ability to connect with others.”

“basic self-esteem and core shame are programmed so early that although they are deeply known, they are seldom thought about or directly articulated.”

“As children graduate into increasingly complex peer group relations, core shame can come to shape their social life. Core shame distorts social cognition and creates the experience of rejection in neutral and even positive situations. Consistent misperception of rejection and negative distortion of social interactions create a vicious cycle that aversively impacts their popularity, social status, and ability to form relationships. Lives guided by core shame are marked by anxiety, depression, and exhaustion. There is a constant losing battle to achieve perfection and gain acceptance by accommodating to the needs of others, and fear of being found to be the fraud you surely are.
At its heart is a sense of being a defective person and a fear of exposure. Even though they have done nothing wrong, there is nothing they can do to make up for it (Kaufman, 1974). One of my students described it this way: “My shame makes it impossible for me to be loved because I can never believe someone could love me. And if I believe they do, I can’t possibly respect them because if they love me, their judgment must be seriously flawed.” Because shame leads to anger and resentment, there is also[…]”

I could go on….

But I won’t.

Better to just read the book.

5/5 STARS ✨

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first self-help book I ever read. It shed light on the dynamics of my family of origin and propelled me into recovery.

[Jolis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Grāmatu nopirku vēl pagājušajā gadā. Cilvēks, kurš man to pārdeva, teica, ka to vairākus gadus noturējis plauktā, bet tā arī neizlasījis. Oh well. Man arī vajadzēja gandrīz gadu, lai to vispār atvērtu, jo nu...nav viegli pašam sev atzīties, ka esi šajā pieaugušo bērnu sarakstā.

Lai gan atbildi uz savu jautājumu šeit neatradu, grāmata ir vērtīga. Protams, kopš 1988. gada pasaulē daudz kas ir mainījies, klāt nākušas jaunas atkarību iespējas, bet lielo lietas būtību tas nemaina.

[Jennyappleseed · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book may have literally saved my life. I can't recommend it enough if you come from an unhealthy family, no matter the degree of dysfunction.

[Laurent · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars -- Wow. This book had a deep impact on me.

If you have the vague feeling there's something fucked up in your life but cannot say what, this book is for you.
If your parents always told you that they love each other but had/have trouble expressing it spontaneously, this book is for you.
If you cling to your partner or look for a partner like an addict in withdrawal, this book is for you.

This book is a treasure about codependency. The codependency movement started from children/partners of alcoholics. But what about the rest of us who had a normal chilhood yet live a life of quiet misery? This book has an answer for these people.

[Inga Pizāne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ļoti vērtīga lasāmviela, kas ļauj ieskatīties tajā, kā attiecības ģimenē (komunikācija, attieksme, uzmanības veltīšana/neveltīšana, emociju izrādīšana vai apspiešana, emocionāla vai fiziska vardarbība) - (runa ir par neveselīgām attiecībām) ietekmē bērna attīstību un viņa nākotnes attiecību veidošanu. Par to, kā mēs turpmākajā dzīvē meklējam kompensāciju tam, ko neesam saņēmuši bērnībā. Par to, kā veidojas disfunkcionālas jeb neveselīgas attiecības.
Disfunkcionālas ģimenes mēdz būt visdažādākās disfunkcijas, piemēram, perfekcionisms, nerunāšana par jūtām, vajadzību ignorēšana, pārāk stingri noteikumi, pārāk brīvas robežas utt. Kā izprast tā visa ietekmi uz savu dzīvi? Par to ir šī grāmata. Man personīgi - ļoti daudz svarīgas informācijas.

[Dena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful, I believe everyone could benefit from this book. First step to fixing the problem is to acknowledge that there is one.

[Monica Willyard Moen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very clear introduction to the concept of how adult children cope with things they learned from their dysfunctional families while they grew up. If you grew up in a home where alcoholism, addiction, abuse, or eating disorders were common, it is very likely that you lived in a dysfunctional family that did not teach you healthy relationship skills. As a result, you may not know how to connect with other people, how to build an intimate relationship, or how to resolve conflict in a way that preserves your relationship. The authors explain that dysfunction happens along a continuum so that some families have mild dysfunction while others are so damaged that the aftermath can be physically and psychologically stunting for the children of the family. This book also briefly covers the topic of family systems and how the entire family can be impacted by one member’s addiction or abusive behavior. This book provides questionnaires to help you assess the level of dysfunction in your family, what issues are currently causing problems for you, and helps you figure out what kind of professional or support group help could assist you in moving forward. Finally, this book discusses codependency since the authors believe that even people who are alcoholics or addicted to drugs deal with codependency issues underneath the addictions. I highly recommend this book as an introduction to this subject and as a sort of tour guide. There may be books that are more targeted to providing help in specific areas, but this is a very nice starting point.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book isn’t particularly well-written or organized, in my opinion and some of the interlude stories are quite strange. However, the content is good and breaks things down simply and to the basics. Helpful in self-reflection.

[Any Length · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit slow to start but well worth reading and easy to relate to. He gives lists of symptoms which one can read through to check if one relates and identifies.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone, no matter what their childhood, should read this book.

[Aurora Dimitre · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another one of those old self-help books. Kinda fun.

[Marta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mocne 4.75
Cudowna i czuła przygoda przez którą autorzy prowadzą czytelnika. Ta pozycja ugruntowana jest bardzo w podejściu systemowym, ale nie brakuje nawiązań do Carla Rogersa i jego humanistycznego podejścia czy opisu i pracy nad mechanizmami obronnymi.
Porusza według mnie tematy bardzo istotne w budowaniu relacji z wewnętrznym dzieckiem (a to założenie autorów) - tożsamość, intymność, uczucia i duchowość. Tłumaczy podstawowe funkcje i role rodziny - w szczególności tych dysfunkcyjnych. I zagłębia się bardziej w wyjaśnienie mechanizmu współuzależnienia.
I love it!
Dodatkowo między rozdziałami są rozczulające opowieści (coś jak bajki terapeutyczne) - przemawiają do prawej półkuli mózgu. Cudo

[Dace Strautkalne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kolosāla grāmata, kas palīdz ieskatīties sevī un izprast savas emocijas. Saprast savu un apkārtējo cilvēku rīcību. Grāmata ko noteikti ir vērts izlasīt turklāt vairākas reizes.

[Margot Note]

"Some of us are especially paralyzed now because the dysfunction we experienced was so subtle (covert) that we can't even begin to put a finger on what it was that happened to us" (18).

"We hang onto the past, fear the future and feel anxious in the present" (20).

"Our symptoms all started out as a normal response to some perceived life stress....These symptoms form as a way of protecting us from a pain that we as children had no power to remove" (22-23).

"They have moved beyond denial, through anger and blame, and on into peaceful acceptance of what was. They are living now, not in desperation and in the emptiness of not with what was, and in the freedom that comes with putting what was to rest" (70).

"In a healthy family, children's needs for security, warmth, nurturance and guidance are met most of the time. These children enter adulthood with a sense of security and trust that is inside of themselves. In dysfunctional families, these needs are not met enough or at all, and these children enter adulthood with a sense of incompleteness, mistrust and fear inside of themselves, along with a strong need for some kind of security outside of themslves. As adults who grew up in troubled families, we constantly seek to fill up the empty parts inside of us that were never met while we were growing up, and it is the external search for our unmet needs that leads us into addictive lifestyles" (72).

"In dysfunctional systems the catastrophe that hits us is a continuous one and denial becomes a way of life, rather than a protective measure to be used only in extreme circumstances. The pain of living in a dysfunctional system is akin to slow torture as opposed to dying an instantaneous death. Day-by-day, year-by-year, decade-by-decade, we crawl deeper and deeper into a shell of denial, defensiveness, isolation and emptiness that is fueled by our shame and embarrassment at the thought of anyone ever finding out what is really going on inside of us. That is the nature of dysfunctional systems--they are closed and implosive, ever more self-destructive. In that sense, they are just like malignant tumors in the body" (102).

"Inability to identify feelings and inability to express them are two of the key diagnostic features of dysfunctional families and individuals" (109).

"...Growing up is scary. It hurts. It is sometimes lonely. It means saying goodbye to childhood and making peace with whatever childhood fantasies, as well as demons, we may have grown up with. We Adult Children have so many demons that getting out of foreclosure is very hard to do. Actually, denial and fear are what keep us stuck" (130).

"To take our parents off those pedestals and 'let' them be human is tremendously painful if we are Adult Children because we are strongly enmeshed with them. We are enmeshed if they were over-indulgent with us, and we are enmeshed if they were abusive and neglectful. In the latter case, we are enmeshed because we keep going back to an empty well for water but there is none there. We keep hoping and praying that it will be there, but it never is. What we are going back for is something that perhaps our parents will never be able to give us because their childhoods were abusive and neglectful" (132).

"As far as recovery is concerned, a good gauge of how well we are doing is to notice when we stop saying, 'How long will it take before I recover from this pain?' The less we say this, the closer we are getting to recovery. Because healthy life, we feel, is pain and joy and sadness and anger and confusion and happiness and loneliness and warmth and closeness and... Recovery means reaching deep inside to that wounded child so that he or she can begin to heal from the inside out. And that usually takes years, and is worth every minute of it" (162).

"In all but the most extreme cases, our denial systems break apart slowly and carefully over time because we have them for a reason that initially made a lot of sense when we built them. Denial systems are built for a logical, sensible purpose. Without them we would be in a lot of trouble psychologically. The real problem arises when that protective denial system that we once built for a good reason begins to get in the way" (171).

"Recovery is allowing ourselves to experience the truth. At first, this is terribly painful. In the end it lets us make that Child inside of us feel safe, warm, lovable, whole, proud, honest, peaceful and real" (182).

[Goofreads · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

First time reading on the topic dysfunctional family and how such system affects child and later on an adult, "child adult". Personally, I enjoy any psychology book which explores complex human emotions, psychology theories in a simple relatable language. For me, this book, delivers just that. I like, that the author not only naming feelings & symptoms, but also links them back to the topic by highlighting how it all affects behaviour of the adult, suggests to look into yourself and most importantly reminds the reader to seek clinical and group help if couple of symptoms apply.

If you are looking for some techniques, tools of overcoming "adult child within" I would say, it isn't a go to book. It certainly a go to book to increase an awareness on the topic and acknowledge if you have an issue.

I think this book should be read by everyone at least once for its insights on emotional behaviour. I think readers who can benefit from this book are: adult- children, teenagers, healthy adults (help to see other side and broaden knowledge and understanfing of adult child experience).



Personal notes/potential spoilers:

On Sadness: " to feel sad, we must also let ourselves feel powerless. Sadness is a normal, healthy response to loss... sadness may feel empty at first but eventually becomes the fuel for renewed hope and existence...sadness let us cry without feeling the ashamed... it lets us take the time to say goodbye...and the best of all we do not require that we do much of anything to be appropriate for situation".
On shame: "Shame is a base if all addictions. It is often expression of worthlessness/ critisism e.g. I made mistake therefore I am a mistake. It comes from damaging interpersonal bridge between 2 people, in particular when relationship comes in question. Shame can cause ostracism.
On guilt:" there 2 types of guilt: healthy guilt, which let us know when we have authentically done something to hurt someone else and it provides the energy and drive to keep us paralysed. Meanwhile,unhealthy guilt tells us that we have done something wring when we really haven't, and thus it provides a lot of energy and drive to keep us paralised".

On secrets: what secret we try to hide that causes shameful feeling/thoughts/behaviour? Important to overt covert behaviour by understanding emotional secret driving the behaviour, to do so its important to let it out in without shame or blame, especially if the secret doesn't serve a healthy purpose.

On co-dependency: " loss of self on a regular basis is not intimacy it is dependency". Co-dependency is dysfunctional pattern of living, which emerges from our family of origin, culture, producing arrested identity development and resulting in an over reaction to the things outside of us and an under reaction to things inside of us. Left untreated it can lead to an addiction. Symptoms of co dependency are: depression, tolerance to inappropriate behaviour, self-defeating coping strategies, strong need yo control oneself and others, stress related physical symptoms, abuse /& neglect of self, difficulty with intimacy and secuality, fear of abandomnment, shame, inappropriate guilt, eventually addiction, rage."

"the feeling of better than also leaves plenty of room for feeling worse than others, which leads to social and emotional isolation"

" we can not recover alone but we also cannot recover if all of our time is spend with others who are not in recovery"

On the monster-Fear: "If you run away from me without listening to what I have to say, you might end up avoiding something important for you. But if you listen to me just right, and learn to make friends with me, then will you have a wisdom". p.194

[Evija · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sākumā gribēju likt 4 zvaigznes, bet tā kā tēmas sāka iet pa apli un izstiepās kā nolietota bikšu gumija, tad tomēr tikai 3.
Salīdzinot ar citām "pašpalīdzības" grāmatām, šī ir gluži laba, jo jau sākumā pasaka, ka ar grāmatu lasīšanu vien un labu domu praktizēšanu pie mērķa nonākt nevar. Vajag aktīvu rīcību. Tāpat ierosina neuzbāzties citiem ar pamācībām par to, kā pareizi dzīvot, spiežot izlasīt konkrēto grāmatu. Katram, pirms lūkoties pēc citu cilvēka baļķa, jāmeklē pašam pēc savas skabargas acī. Respektīvi, tie kas pārliecināti, ka pie miljona un mīlestības tikt var ar gaišu domu palīdzību, nepakustinot ne pirkstiņa, šī grāmata nederēs.
Patiesībā jau, ja grāmata nebūtu mērķēta uz tik nejēdzīgi plašu auditoriju, tad būtu pat ļoti laba, jo autori izklausās tādi saprātīgi cilvēki. Ir jau skaidrs, ka mums visiem savi tarakāni galvā, un tad, ja tie sāk skrubināties par traku, un neļauj dzīvot, jāmeklē palīdzība, kas nav viegli, bet ir vajadzīgi.
Trūkums ir tāds, ka grāmata ir diezgan veca un autori koncentrējas uz tādiem atkarības veidiem kā TV skatīšanās, alkohols vai pārmērīga sportošana, lai gan, manuprāt, tas viss nobāl to atkarību priekšā, ko mums šobrīd paver interneta un viedtālruņu dzīles. Gribējās zināt, kas autoriem par to būtu sakāms.
Jā, un skriešanu laikam viņi tomēr drusku nīst gan.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book contains excellent descriptions of roles people in dysfunctional families find themselves stuck in and the habits they develop. The examples are somewhat gendered and the authors are very heavy into the 12 step model but they integrate many schools of thought (psychodynamic, Rogers, Erikson, etc). There are also parables and analogies interspersed that help the reader understand some of the concepts. I would recommend this to people with any issues or dissatisfaction with their family of origin. This would be especially useful for adult children of alcoholics who haven't sought therapy or treatment yet or even recognized that a problem exists.

[j · Rating 5 out of 5]

I decided to read this book because it was suggested in another book I read on dealing with childhood trauma. This book was incredibly helpful. It does a very good job of covering the family systems and how that effects childhood development which later can result in Adult Children and large forms of co-dependency. I recommend this book to anyone on their healing journey.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great, necessary book for me but the message that I must have professional help or else I'm unlikely to recover/heal was saddening. I will do the best I can with what I have available, like everyone else.

[Amanda Kae · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a life's game changer. Taught me a lot on my raw nerve self and an even better thing is they offer possible ways out of the wreckage. Funny, an old book still applies in 2020 life.

[Selene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprisingly not dated, and a fortunately not sexist view of codependency, which is so often how codependency is portrayed. Really helpful for anyone healing from a traumatic childhood.

[Santa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I agree with the two main criticisms I've heard so far - this book is a bit difficult to get into at the very beginning (Chapters 1 and 2 are quite dull) and it does show a bias in favour of AA and the many programs adjacent to this organization.

However, starting with Chapter 3, and especially by Part II, I couldn't put this book down. By then, it gets right into the meat of dysfunctional families, how they look like, what are their effects on us and finally - what we can do to heal.

The overview of the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional family (Chapter 8) and the kinds of abuse causing each of them was particularly enlightening, even if on some subconscious level I already had made those connections. Perfectionism, inability to express feelings, inability to play/ have fun, high tolerance for inappropriate behaviour, adherence to rigid rules and beliefs, the keeping of "family secrets"... Seeing all of these laid out like that really packs a punch and makes you re-evaluate things, questioning which parts of you are you, and which are just the harmful results of abuse that should be examined and worked on.

As someone who likes to explore my mental baggage not only in terms of psychology, but also philosophy and on the "grander scale of things", I appreciated Chapter 19 on spirituality as well.

I found the following paragraphs extremely beautiful, uplifting, and a perfect ending for this book:

"The spiritual healing that takes place during recovery brings us full circle back to the first stage of life: trust versus mistrust. With the ability to trust that life is okay, that it will work out in the end and even if it isn't pleasant right now, we have wisdom. We have a sense of belonging. We have purpose and meaning. We have choices.

And so as we heal deeper and deeper inside of ourselves, our lives become bigger and bigger and more connected with the lives of others outside of ourselves. Recovery is thus about expansion of the self out into the universe, while at the same time, remaining humble and grateful that we are sharing in creation"

To whom would I recommend this book? Literary, everyone.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is dated, and I'm sure there is a great deal more research and findings in this area. However, nothing in this book stood out as disproved and is presented as a theory. It appears that what was theory for Friel and Friel is now accepted by the psychological and recovery communities. It stands to reason that the information in this book, collected and shared when it was, was part of the beginning of unraveling dysfunctional family systems and discovering how individuals heal and thrive in life.

Its primary focus is on the many faces of a dysfunction family system and its varying affects on individuals within that system. It spends much less time on the recovery process. This book can be helpful if someone is wondering if they come from a dysfunctional family of origin. However, there are parts where it seems as if everyone was raised in some sort of dysfunction and the view of abuse and neglect is rather liberal. The check lists and questions are helpful for self identification though.

On the whole, this book can be a good starting place. Readability is easy, not containing a ton of jargon. There also isn't any condemning or blaming. It's focus is on understanding in order to begin to grow and heal.

[Anna * · Rating 3 out of 5]

Iesākumā vispārīgi - šī ir grāmata par to kā bērnības pieredze var izpausties mūsu turpmākajā dzīvē. Par atkarībām dziļākā nozīmē, par to, kā trasformējas mūsu apslāpētās emocijas un cik ļoti paši sevi saistām. Psiholoģija par attiecībām ģimenē. Es domāju katrs lasītājs var atrast kādu rindkopu, ko attiecināt uz sevi, bet diez vai to var teikt par visu grāmatu kopumā, jo tā aplūko dažādus gadījumus.

[Joseph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vērtējums: 4/5. Populārzinātniskā valodas stilā sarakstīta praktiskās psiholoģijas, pašpalīdzības grāmata. Tekstā iekļautas bibliogrāfiska atsauču leģenda. Grāmatas saturs ir labi izplānots, katra nākoša nodaļa papildina iepriekšējo. Cilvēki ir neloģiski un katrs savu trūkumu apmākts.

!SPOILERI!

Man šo grāmatu iedeva psihoterapeits. Izlasot to guvu garīgu atvieglojumu un izbaudīju apgaismībai līdzīgu sajūtu. Plānoju pārlasīt depresīvam un pašnoliedzošam psiholoģiskam stāvoklim atgriežoties.

[Ann.Ann. · Rating 3 out of 5]

spodziewałam się czegoś więcej. bardzo ogólnikowo dotknięte ważne tematy bez wchodzenia w szczegóły i właśnie tego wchodzenia w szczegóły mi tutaj zabrakło. stwierdzanie faktów bez wskazówek co można zrobić by to rozwiązać. pod ważnymi działami, które otwierają Ci szufladki w głowie finalnie jest rada „idź na terapie”. wiem, ze to właściwa rada ale myślałam, ze książka dwóch psychologów powie coś więcej jeśli chodzi o możliwości radzenia sobie z niektórymi dysfunkcjami samodzielnie.

[Kineeg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just WOW. I mean, it means a lot to me. I felt really understanding, got some quotes, i needed. It feels overwhelming, but also really freeing. I was overthinking but in a good way. I really want to tell about this book to every person I think need that. And I will try to do this, since it’s a way to be better. Not healthy, but every day better.

What’s really important:
“Spiritual recovery begins when we can truly admit that we are powerless over our addictions, symptoms, or family systems”

[Heather Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very succinct set of descriptions as it relates to those having been raised in dysfunctional households. Very enlightening. There were many times when I had to just say, "those were words I did not have to describe what I was experiencing". I am praying to undo any harm done to my children and to mature with compassion from this level of growth.