I Hope I Was Wrong About Eternal Damnation: An Absolutely True Memoir

by Tim Mathis

Tim Mathis had been a minister for a decade when he abruptly left the church. This book is the painful, honest, and unexpectedly hilarious announcement of his deconversion.

Raised in the peculiar spiritual churn of small town Ohio in the 1990s, Tim was called as a teenager to convert the world to an evangelical faith of abstinence pledges, evolution denial, mission trips, and Christian rock. As an adult he tried to develop a spiritual life that was connected with reality through international pilgrimage, over-education, and immersion in liberal urban ministry alongside queer Christians and progressive priests. In the end, he was left questioning whether it’s possible to maintain an ancient religion in the modern world.

Originally published as a minister’s apology for quitting church, I Hope I Was Wrong About Eternal Damnation is a cathartic and ultimately hopeful story for anyone who’s struggled with faith.

Tim Mathis is the author of the independent hit The Dirtbag’s Guide to Life: Eternal Truth for Hiker Trash, Ski Bums and Vagabonds. He has written for Trailrunner Magazine, Grit City Magazine, and The Anglican Taonga, and has been featured on The Art of Manliness Podcast.

Paperback

Published November 11, 2021

About the author

Join the mailing list at TimMathisWrites.com for ongoing projects.

Or follow on Instagram @dirtbagguide

I was born country, and raised near Middletown, Ohio - the town that was the subject of J.D. Vance's memoir of poverty and suffering, "Hillbilly Elegy." I didn't think it was as bad as he made it out to be, and I spent my childhood building forts in hay bales, behaving irresponsibly, and filling Quaker Oats containers with snakes that my friends and I caught in the creek.

I've traveled a lot since then. On my first trip overseas when I was a teenager, I went to Peru on an Evangelical mission trip with my youth group, and tried to share the Gospel by dressing up like a clown and performing for street children.

In my 20's I married my high school sweetheart, Angel, and we moved to New Zealand for two years, where I earned a Masters Degree by writing a thesis about various ways that people try to find sense, beauty and meaning in the messy evolutionary history of the universe. The scenery there made it feel like the right thing to do at the time.

After that we moved to the lovely, mossy Pacific Northwest, and it's been our base ever since - first in Seattle, and now in Tacoma (which is a way cheaper place for a dirtbag these days). Along the way I ended up as a psychiatric nurse, so now I do that in exchange for money.

Otherwise, Angel and I try to make the most of our lives by traveling and playing outside. We've run El Camino de Santiago in Spain and finished a bunch of trail ultras in the Pacific Northwest. We've hiked the Pacific Crest and Tahoe Rim Trails, along with part of Te Araroa and a bunch of the "Great Walk" system in New Zealand. We've spent about six months drifting around Latin America in buses, and have picked up a bit of Spanish, which helps.

Along the way I've done a fair bit of writing. I've written for Trail Runner Magazine, Grit City Magazine, Oru Kayak's blog, Ultrapedestrian.com, and I've been interviewed on The Art of Manliness Podcast.

Reviews

[Tim Mathis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wrote this book and I think that tells you all you need to know about this review's objectivity.

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I grew up in the same church as Tim, although he was a few years older than me, so I was very curious to read this. I also had my ups and downs with religion as a teenager, but I had the privilege to leave Ohio to go NYC for my undergraduate degree and never went back to church again. I've never regretted it.

I think what I found most interesting about this book is although I felt a lot of the things Tim did about the church, because I left fairly passively and while I was young, I could never have articulated any of it well. In fact, I really never thought about how weird certain things I grew up accepting were until confronted with them in this book. Tim has an amazing story (testimony? 😀) to tell and he tells it with clarity, insight, and humor. It's really frustrating to see how much the church jerked him around, but it's also wonderful to see how well he's doing today.

[Pcd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started reading this book because I'd enjoyed Tim's other work, and wasn't sure what I'd think about it.

The book's not venting about institutional religion, nor does it focus solely on a crisis of faith. It's more of a thoughtful take on Tim's faith journey, and he discovers more about himself. I really liked reading about his incremental departure, starting as a young evangelical and by way of the Episcopalian church.

Some of what resonated for me was that his point of departure was the church very near where I live, and the Seattle-ness of it all. More more though was the generosity with which he shares the more personal side of his experience. I relate, because he let me see this.

I also appreciated the nuanced, criticism of the institutional side of churches. Late in the book he describes how difficult it is to become ordained, but how easily a church can become a place of personal power, at the expense of its mission. Certainly not unique to churches, and a great reminder for us to remain humble and focused on "doing what's right".

Definitely a worthwhile read.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a wonderful book and by the end I felt like Tim was a friend. I was sad to leave. The only reason I gave it 4 stars instead of 5 is because it’s not a book I would read again. Growing up as an atheist Jew I had never really learned much about Christianity. His book was very educational, so much so that at one point towards the beginning, I almost abandoned it because it was less like a memoir and more like a textbook for a class. However, I powered on, knowing that I really should better understand Christianity and its influence on our culture. I’m really glad that I did because the book was truly a marvel. It should also be noted and guessed from the title that Tim has an incredibly funny sense of humor. I recommend he does a little stand-up comedy because this book was underrated in terms of his sense of humor. He is truly laugh out loud funny and very clever. He’s a great writer and quite different. Most memoirs detail ones family and childhood and he pretty much left that part out. He didn’t zero in on any of it. I would’ve been curious to hear what it was like to grow up evangelical but that was left out. Maybe he was being protective of his family. Very unclear because he didn’t tell us in the book. Or maybe he didn’t notice that he left out his whole childhood and all the members of his family? In any case that was just very different. Similarly we learn next to nothing about his wife while he goes through all of this. Again, it’s hard to know if he is just oblivious or if this was intentional. I loved his time in New Zealand. That was just an amazing part of the book. I loved his foray into liberal Christianity and almost becoming a priest. I didn’t realize there was so much bureaucracy, but I guess that’s everywhere when you delve deep enough! Tim was highly relatable and extremely likable. I was disappointed at the end when he was agnostic instead of atheist. It was like during the book he was cleaning the kitchen counter, and at the last moment he abruptly turned and left when there were still a few sticky spots. Oh, and I would like to add that I would really like to see Tim do a humorous travel memoir. He doesn’t even need to try to be humorous. He’s just a clever dude! But give us a good travel memoir, Tim!

[Sarah Henn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stumbled across Tim's book on Amazon while looking for books similar to what I had gone through myself. I was raised and lived as a devout Christian for the first 35 years of my life. My faith also slowly changed over a long period of time until I eventually came to the conclusion that if a god exists at all, it is nothing like the god I was taught about growing up.

Tim's book was so refreshing for me to read. He has an entertaining style of writing and often made me laugh out loud, and it was nice to hear a journey so similar to mine because I felt very alone during my deconversion.

He had a lot of good insights along the way of the benefits and pitfalls of religion and some of the many reasons why people are drawn to it and resistance to criticize it or leave it.

I definitely recommend this book if you've gone through a deconstruction or deconversion experience yourself.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting story about a man's faith journey from fundamentalist to Episcopalian to Atheist. It was frequently moving, funny, and informative, but I found myself getting tired of the author's whining and weeping. He could have told this story without so much over-the-top bitterness. I also found myself wishing to hear more about his wife, who must be one of the most patient women ever born to put up with her husband!
I'm glad Tim Mathis has found happiness and I wish him well. I just wish his book were better-written.

[Arthur G · Rating 5 out of 5]

Appreciation for the journey

In a time of personal reflection and discernment, Tim's words provide an opportunity to envision the possibilities. The challenges of organized religion were clear to me early in my life, yet the struggles against social constructs based in Christian ideologies have been profound. Tim's narrative feels like my struggles against American culture and systemic oppression. This should be required high school reading!

[Julie Cassata · Rating 5 out of 5]

This fun-to-read book shows how persistent faith and hope can actually lead a person down some dark alleys. The book is honestly (and humorously) written, which makes it feel quite relatable. I enjoyed watching the author incrementally become a better person, as he questions religion-based beliefs and adjusts his personal spiritual path. This book helps me understand how strong beliefs are rooted in community. I found the book eye opening, and I am glad for the new perspective.

[Jessica Kelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating memoir of a person raised in religion who eventually finds his way out. Thoughtful and honest and inspiring.