Not Drinking Tonight: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love

by Amanda E. White LPC

In this honest discussion of mental health, the founder of Therapy for Women explores our reasons for drinking alcohol—and the benefits of taking a break.

When “retired party girl” and popular therapist Amanda White admitted she was an alcoholic, it wasn’t because she’d done something outrageous while under the influence, like land herself in jail or get married in Vegas. It was because she realized three 1. Alcohol was making her life worse. 2. Moderation wasn’t helping. 3. She could not be a therapist if she continued to use alcohol to numb her life. Something needed to change—not just her relationship with alcohol, but her relationship with herself. Choosing not to drink can be daunting. It’s everywhere in our culture, our socializing, and our destressing. And it can seem black or you drink, or you don’t (and if you don’t, people ask why). That’s where Not Drinking Tonight comes in. Judgement-free and relatable, Amanda helps you unpack your relationship with alcohol by showing you how Find out why you drink. Whether it’s a glass of wine after work or a weekly bar crawl, your drinking habits can be the result of everything from biology to trauma.Heal your relationship with alcohol. Understand how your relationships have been affecting your life, and learn how to set boundaries and create true self care.Build the sober life you love. Learn what comes next—how to maintain your social life, navigate sex and relationships, and love yourself.  Not Drinking Tonight isn’t a program to stop drinking. It’s the first book to help you address the root issues that cause you to reach for a drink, and create a life you love—one that is not perfect, but is messy and real and one you are fully present for.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Health, Mental Health, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development

262 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 4, 2022

Reviews

[marta the book slayer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don't let the title fool you, this is an overall great self-help book with some specific examples to alcohol.

I am fascinated with the social stigma of drinking alcohol and especially the American obsession with blacking out / partying in college. This book touches on this for sure in a way that was very informative.

3.5-/5

[Bridgey McElroy · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 - I found this totally fascinating and really thought provoking. I would describe myself as somewhat sober-curious. I do not struggle with alcohol and have no desire to go off the sauce full time, but I do sometimes give up drinking for indiscriminate periods and find myself feeling like a thousand bucks every time. I’m also on a relatively newfound wellness education journey, and this fits that bill.

In many ways, I found this book to be just as much a self-help book as it was a book about alcohol, which is a cool approach as it makes it accessible both to people who are more in it for the learnings and ( I’d imagine) it makes it less daunting for the people who are in it to begin or bolster their sobriety journey.

I particularly enjoyed the discussion of the differences between guilt, shame, embarrassment and humiliation and how trauma ties into shame specifically. And, I can’t decide if I feel seen by or triggered by the section on body image. That’s a larger convo. Yoinks!

Last thing I’ll call out is the chapter detailing how even a single serving of alcohol impacts our bodies. SHOCKING. I’m a sleep person, so I already know how badly alcohol impacts your sleep, but so many of the other statistics were completely new to me and utterly alarming.

[Marissa Murray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Less about drinking than you would think. Appreciated the tactical exercises and practical tips for how to examine your relationship with alcohol. She helps you get to the root of why you drink and offers great solutions regardless of your why.

[Whitney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve woken up with many hangovers, but I did not have a rock bottom moment before picking up Not Drinking Tonight. Attending a rural state college, there were not many other options than drinking for entertainment. Now in my late 20’s I figured it would be healthy to re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol.

Thanks to @hachettego for the gifted ARC #partner.

From what I’ve seen, I’m not alone. A self proclaimed party girl turned sober therapist, White takes readers through her own transformation. Along the way, she spaces vignettes between three fusion patents - each a blend of 50 odd real patients, in addition to psychological tools and categorizations. This blend of perspectives usually works well. White’s knowledge shines through when discussing identifying core causes for drinking and when expressing empathy to the occasional slip, or return to drinking regularly.

The vignettes with the ‘patients’ were a nice narrative break, but felt out of place. While the rest of the book was very instructional, the fictional scenarios felt forced. I also struggled with the opening of the book, where White works to build rapport with her audience by explaining her own relationship with alcohol. While it’s comforting to know that we’re not being guided by a teetotaler, it was vague enough that it didn’t catch my interest like later sections did.

Nonetheless, I was struck by the empathy White channels - never shaming or judging her patients or audience. She offers a solution in sobriety, but realizes never drinking again might be the ideal fix for everyone. She details various psychological and physical reasons for stopping.

Most pertinent for me: How does alcohol actually improve your life? (as a pro/con list fan, this stood out to me). But regardless of how your list tallies up, Not Drinking Tonight is worth a read.

[Maura Stillwagon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this! Although I’m not seeking sobriety, it was so interesting to hear about some of the science behind alcohol consumption and the impacts it has on so many things, especially sleep! That really for home for me as someone who likes to “relax” with a glass of wine occasionally. I totally recommend!

[Marisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

a pretty interesting book about how alcohol is so ingrained into our society and how it specifically affects women. a lot of the information is stuff that I already knew, however it was informative to see its connection to alcohol use.

[Lowrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall I'd recommend this book. She has some interesting insight and easy steps to follow during sobriety. I was hoping for a little more new information because I find her work on instagram pretty innovative. Most of this is information I've read elsewhere (albeit packaged nicely). There's also a lot that doesn't relate to drinking, which is fine and makes sense somewhat, but I don't think that's clear in the description. I think this book is a good choice for people who haven't read a lot of the other books out there about how drinking/sobriety relates to personal growth.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book so insightful. I have recently made the decision to go sober and this book was extremely helpful in helping me navigate my sobriety and my next steps. It doesn't just focus on sobriety, however. It covers topics such as self care and boundaries and I'm already putting things i've learnt in to use! Amazing!

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

Damn. I have struggled with alcohol for many years now, and I'm finally realizing that it may be time for me to really change my habits and take my drinking seriously.
This book isn't one that insists you get completely sober, but it does give you so much evidence as to why drinking can be detrimental to your health, and it also helps you look into why you may be drinking in the first place.
I really enjoyed the author's way of creating characters, based on amalgamation of different clients of hers in the past, and their stories to help the reading truly think about their own story when it comes to dealing with alcohol. I don't think I've ever read a book that is quite like this one, and honestly, I kind of want to read it (or listen to it on audiobook like I did. Highly recommend it by the way) again.
If you have even considered cutting back on or stopping drinking altogether, definitely give this book a try!

[meg mccrady · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who isn’t drinking anymore, books like this are so incredibly helpful to navigate the process. I’ve read a few but this is by far the best I’ve come across.

[CJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you so much @HBSOCIALCLUB for a copy of this book!

As someone who has chosen not to drink mainly due to health reasons, I found this book to be a great resource. I appreciated the facts about alcohol and it’s affects on our brains and bodies — it really helped remind me why I am no longer drinking and made me feel assured this is the right decision for me right now. Her advice on how to live in a world obsessed with alcohol while you’re sober (everything from dating to socializing at a work event) was so useful. I also appreciated that this book was written by a licensed therapist and felt that Amanda delivered the facts and what skills she found useful to take into a sober life in an effective, digestible way that was backed by someone who has professional training in the field and can give advice.

This is so much more than a book about being sober and is truly a guide to living a life you love through reparenting yourself.

[Jenny White · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book as someone who is “sober-curious.” The author is a therapist and addresses alcohol use (and the reason for alcohol use) from a relatively holistic perspective - trauma, the nervous system, societal norms, etc. Sometimes her chapters on these topics felt disconnected from the alcohol conversation and (maybe because it wasn’t new info for me) I became pretty unengaged with the content. I realized about a third of the way through that this wasn’t the kind of book I actually what I was looking for and I would have preferred a more personal memoir from someone choosing to live sober.

[Ally · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this! It was a good read for Sober October motivation. I really liked the chapter on diet culture. After listening to people on TikTok talk about it, it was refreshing to hear a professional's take.

[Mary Frances · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic dry January read. It was a lot less about drinking and more about the why and how we’ve evolved as humans to manage stress and react to the world around us. It has made me much more aware. Would recommend to anybody who wants to get a little introspective

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an IG follower of the author, a therapist and newly alcohol free individual, I thought this book was excellent. I love how Amanda interweaves her clients’ stories as well as her own personal experiences throughout the book. I think it’s a great read and recommend to anyone interested in therapy and/or self-help even if you are not sober curious. There is a ton of useful and practical information regarding boundaries, mindfulness and emotional regulation.

[Ida · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not Drinking Tonight is a refreshing and empowering read for anyone looking to embark on a journey toward a sober lifestyle. The author skillfully combines practical advice, personal anecdotes, and a supportive tone to create a guide that feels like a friendly companion on the path to sobriety.

The book is well-structured, starting with a compelling introduction that immediately resonates with readers who may be contemplating a change in their relationship with alcohol. Throughout the chapters, the author provides a thoughtful blend of research-based insights and actionable steps, ensuring a well-rounded approach to tackling the challenges of embracing sobriety.

One of the standout features of this guide is the emphasis on creating a life that one truly loves without relying on alcohol. The author takes a holistic approach, addressing not only the physical aspects of sobriety but also the mental and emotional aspects. The practical tips and exercises provided encourage self-reflection and personal growth, making the book more than just a guide to quitting drinking; it becomes a roadmap to rediscovering oneself.

The writing style is accessible, making it easy for readers to connect with the material. The author's honesty and vulnerability create an authentic atmosphere, assuring readers that they are not alone in their journey. The inclusion of real-life stories adds a human touch, making the content relatable and inspiring.

While the book is primarily targeted at those seeking a sober lifestyle, its messages of self-discovery and personal growth are universal. Even for readers who may not be struggling with alcohol, the guide offers valuable insights into creating a more intentional and fulfilling life.

In summary, Not Drinking Tonight is a well-crafted and empowering guide that goes beyond simply advising readers to abstain from alcohol. It serves as a beacon of support for the sober curious, offering practical tools, heartfelt encouragement, and a vision for a life filled with purpose and joy. Highly recommended for anyone seeking positive change and a renewed sense of self.

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this would be a good read as I’ve been “sober curious” for a while now after reading up on all the harmful health effects of alcohol (not that anyone would ever have really argued that alcohol is “good for you” in the first place, but evidence is emerging that it’s even worse than previously known, even when consumed moderately).

This was a good read, with some practical tips about completely abstaining from or moderating drinking. But, there was a lot more “therapy speak” than I expected and it wasn’t always clear how these topics related to moderation. For instance, there were long sections on reparenting and boundaries, which only sometimes tied back to the subject of alcohol use.

Overall the book was well written and the composite characters gave it a more human narrative, but it veered a little too deep into self-help territory for me.

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the themes of this book, especially as a female reader. It gives you a lot of good tools to drink less and to quit drinking if you choose. It’s not for someone needing convincing to stop drinking or for someone with serious alcoholism. I believe it’s for someone who wants to stop or moderate through their own fruition. Overall, this book does a good job highlighting how so much of our lives are intertwined with feeling like we need to drink and understanding how to combat that societal pressure.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book I would recommend to anyone looking to reflect on their relationship with alcohol. The chapters that were part science of how alcohol and addictive behaviors work were most helpful. The vignettes however, less so in my view.

[Kris Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Self-care is about taking care of your future self. Love it!

[Samantha King · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a good read for anyone curious about being sober, anyone who has been impacted by alcohol use or who wants to understand how alcohol use impacts each of our lives.

[Rachel Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is about so much more than just "not drinking." Truly felt like therapy in a book.

[Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for evaluating why you do what you do. Helpful for relearning living away from perfectionism, shame, etc.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sort of made myself read this book because the pandemic fueled everyday drinking for me. After reading it, I do believe I have disordered drinking, even though you’re not supposed to self-diagnose. I’m currently doing my 2nd “Dry January,” but I’m still in that stage where giving up alcohol for the rest of my life feels nearly impossible. On the other hand, it seems pathetic to think that. I think the research behind this book is helpful— many of the statistics, especially about women over 50, stunned me—but I would’ve liked to read about my own situation a little bit more. Obviously, that’s impossible for an author to anticipate everybody’s stage/situation in life, so I get that that’s unrealistic. It would have been more impactful for me personally, though, had I been able to relate a little bit more to one of her client composites. Overall, recommend if you’re curious about what sobriety might look like for you.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ve followed Amanda’s work on Instagram, and I believe she is a gifted therapist. Due to being a therapist myself, I found a lot of the information in Not Drinking Tonight redundant. However, the book was helpful as I reflected on my motivation for drinking! Additionally, Amanda provides the stories of three women, and I believe there is such power in storytelling.

While I did not fully connect with the stories, I do think this book is such an incredible resource! I wish more people had access to the information contained within these pages. While I only gave three stars as it relates to practical use in my own life, I would give this five stars for those who do not have access to therapy or are in need of assistance in reflecting on their motivations for drinking.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is more than a book about sobriety. There's a lot in here about body image, shame, boundaries, mindfulness, and regulating emotions.

It was interesting to read her perspective on how our brains and bodies work in regards to triggers versus tolerance.

The author lays out a strong case for not drinking but is also clear that the readers should do their own cost/benefit analysis based on their individual circumstances. Also, if you're cutting out alcohol...be mindful of what you're putting in it's place.

I really felt that there was no shame or judgement in her writing. The book is an easy read as it's a bit of a compilation of both new and familiar ideas. The best thing about it is the treasure trove of resources at the end.

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book claims that it is not a part of the Quit Lit genre, but it is a how-to on living your best life sober, so I am struggling to see what makes this book different from the other books published that tout the benefits of abstaining from alcohol...

Technicalities aside, I love Amanda White's disclaimer that you do not need to hit rock bottom before deciding a life without alcohol is better than a life with it. She does not have a myriad of DUIs or other criminal offenses that caused her to quit drinking like some of the other sobriety advocates which makes her much more relatable IMO. As someone who has not broken the law (and been caught) while drunk, her perspective was something I empathized with and resonated with.

Overall, this book is a short overview of the science behind drinking, actionable steps to quitting drinking, and ways to enrich your social life if you are afraid that being sober is lame and boring (surprise: it's not). This book and Annie Grace's This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your LifeThis Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life are good companion pieces for anyone curious about a life without booze. Happy reading!

[Lydia Scheel · Rating 4 out of 5]

More actionable and on topic than other self help books on this subject.

[Emma Knowles · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐⭐⭐⭐.5/5

“Most of us are never truly given the opportunity to question our relationship with alcohol. We are born into a set of cultural ideals that say alcohol is a healthy part of adult life. We learn that alcohol is fun. It’s the glue that holds our social lives together… we learn that alcohol is the preferred way that adults deal with stress. And if, for some reason, you question your relationship with alcohol, you are either a loser or an alcoholic”.

𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗗𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗼𝗻𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗮 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝗱𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝘁 𝗶𝘀𝘀𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗮 𝗱𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗸, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗮 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗲𝘀𝘀𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 - 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘀 𝟰.𝟯𝟰 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀

Anyone needing some motivation mid ‘Dry July’?

“Did I drink every day? No. ... Did something terrible, or embarrassing, happen every time I drank? Also no. … There was a part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve to be there because my dinking wasn’t bad enough”.

This book has it all; the science of the effects of alcohol on our physical and psychological health, advice on how to live sober in a culture where we are surrounded by alcohol, self-care and boundaries, mindfulness and emotional regularity. This book delves into the why and how we’ve evolved as humans to manage stress.

Self-professed ‘party girl’, White demonstrates incredible empathy for those curious about making changes to their drinking. But this is so much more than just a book on sobriety. Whether it be quitting, moderating or unchanging this book is relatable.

I picked up this book because I thought it would be insightful, make me more relatable and able to provide better informative education to my patients. However, since reading this I feel so motivated to revalue my own drinking patterns and so far, I’ve stuck to the changes I made.

Motivating, approachable and informative. I’d recommend everyone read this book!

@would.ratherbereading

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[I'm Booked · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book that you are looking for if:
1. You are a woman who does not identify as an alcoholic but is questioning her relationship with alcohol.
2. You are interested in learning to identify what the underlying reasons are for the choices that you make.
3. You are interested in learning new skills to make better choices.
4. You want to live a healthier life style (physically and emotionally).
5. You are interested in learning just exactly how alcohol affects your body, mind and overall health.


It was fascinating to learn that the same tactics that were used by cigarette companies to market cigarettes to the unsuspecting public were adopted by the alcohol industry to promote their equally deadly wares. Edward Bernays was inspired by his uncle Sigmund Freud's work "specifically about the group mind and how humans are influenced by irrational behavior. He used this to invent the concept of engineering consent....in his words, If we understand the mechanisms and motives of the group mind, it is now possible to control and regiment the masses according to our will without their knowing" (239). If you're interested in regaining your control over your choices then I encourage you to read the book.