Married to the Man Who Washed Himself Away: The True Story of How Obsession Tore a Family Apart

by Joan Leech

This extraordinary true story will move you to tears and inspire you to never give up.

Set in North-East England in the 1950s and 60s, it follows the life of a lively teenager who falls for a handsome older man. Joan dreams of a romantic future, but her husband’s obsessive-compulsive disorder stands in the way of creating a normal home for their growing family. She must find a way to overcome the formidable challenges that stand in her way as she tries to find happiness. Immersed in the warmth, love and hardship of a working-class community, Joan's story of heartbreak, adversity and resilience will stay with you forever.

164 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 6, 2021

Reviews

[Chrissie]

An interesting journey through time.

Joan Leech married a totally selfish man. Thank goodness for her children - although, I don't know how she did it! Women had to do everything in the home in her early years, but Joan had to be the breadwinner most of the time too.

It was tough to read what she went through, and I was mentally shouting at her to leave him. I know that he was ill, but there is no excuse for him refusing help.

[S. Bavey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was attracted to this book by its intriguing title and received it as a gift in a competition run by the We Love Memoirs Facebook group.
Joan was an amazingly strong woman trapped in the drudgery of working class life during the 1960s and ‘70s in northern Britain.
She experienced a traumatic childhood with a father who was violent and abusive towards her mother, followed by an evil stepmother to rival anyone dreamt up by the Brothers Grimm.
Later after stubbornly splitting up with her first schoolyard love she married a handsome man who turned out to have severe mental health problems. His Obsessive Compulsive Disorder led to him having baths for three or four hours every day and his self obsession and inability to take responsibility for their five children meant Joan would never know how she would find enough money to feed her family. The writing style is compelling and I felt drawn in to her story immediately. There was a lot of tragedy in her life and I would not recommend reading this book without some tissues to hand! She experienced both joy and heartbreak through her children and later was able to find more joy through a rekindled friendship. This memoir is a slice-of-life story at its grittiest and yet her positive attitude shines through despite all her emotional trauma. What an amazing woman she must have been! I highly recommend this book to anyone who enjoys peeking through the curtains into other people’s lives and experiencing the raw and often heartbreaking events that can come out of nowhere to change lives without warning.

[Sacha Fortuné · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sacha's Book Reviews Blog

This was my forty-second book I chose via the Reedsy Discovery program, for which I am the single approved reviewer for this new book. This review also appears on Reedsy.

If you're interested in becoming a Reedsy reviewer (and have the chance to get paid "tips" to review books!) check it out here.

The Premise
From marriage at a young age to her last days, Joan Burns recounts her life as a mother and wife in a working-class community in North-East England — mostly marred by her husband’s obsessive behaviour and poor mental health, which negatively impacted their entire family and threatened to ruin her happiness. Joan’s story is a moving account of heartache, resilience, and love.

The Pros & Cons
This was a touching, heartbreaking memoir of motherhood, marriage, and madness.

We learn of Joan’s early life and her parents’ relationship, which was strained; along with all her family’s histories that also shaped her beliefs about love and marriage. After falling out with her first love as a teenager, Joan soon falls in love with another man: Kenny. They marry and eventually have five children, but marital bliss is not to be: Kenny suffers from what we now know to be Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder — at the time, it was experienced by Joan to be bouts of madness where he spent hours washing himself, had peculiar behaviour such as replacing door handles and crockery that was “contaminated”, and in general he was extremely unreasonable and stubborn.

I loved reading about her entire family’s histories, and felt like I knew many of the characters as they were so vividly described. I also enjoyed learning about the trials and tribulations of motherhood and managing a household — bouncing around from home to home between rentals and government housing; spending all day washing, cooking, cleaning, and preparing and seeing about a family, and (something that resonates in every era!): running up debt while struggling to make ends meet.

This is truly a treasure trove of a time capsule of that era. As a reader we experience the joy of a time long gone by, when children were happily running around outside playing, before incessant gadgets and insolent know-it-all attitudes of today’s youth became the norm. Her children adore and respect her, and at times her daughter Julie carries a heavy burden of duty as an additional mother to the younger ones.

I appreciated that Joan was able to understand Kenny’s behaviour as illness rather than just peculiarity, but unfortunately at the time there was little she could do to help him, even though she tried many times. It was horrific to learn of the ways Kenny threatened their family’s happiness, and there are heartbreaking moments that pack a powerful punch. There are also sweet times, and the lingering innocence and faith of the family’s matriarch Joan as she constantly strives to provide the best circumstances to produce a loving family home despite her husband’s madness and selfishness. I especially loved that she was able to open her heart again, as a mature woman, after all that she had suffered through with Kenny — this truly made my heart sing.

Exquisitely written, this story touches your heart and stays in your soul. Though told in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, there is still a pleasing dollop of dry British humour sprinkled throughout, which made it an enjoyable read from beginning to end. I finished it easily in just a couple of days, staying up late into the night to finish a chapter — only to move onto the next chapter as I couldn’t stop there!

Conclusion
This memoir was a collaboration of Joan’s documents, her daughter’ Julie’s revisions, a ghostwriter, and additional editing; and it was published by Julie’s daughter after the passing of her mother and grandmother. I am honoured to have gotten the chance to read and review this written tale of such valuable and cherished lives gone by, and would highly recommend to other readers.


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This review also appears on my blog. Visit to read more of my reviews: Sacha's Book Reviews Blog

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[Bonita Braun · Rating 4 out of 5]

easy read

A good book to read on a long flight. Interesting to see how this woman worked to support her children in spite of her husband with mental illness.

[Pam Burridge · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this book because of the OCD aspect but it’s not really about that - much more about resilience and how to handle tough times. Easy read and heartfelt

[Donna McDermott · Rating 5 out of 5]

wonderful

Heartwarming with sprinklings of tragedy. Loved this book and could relate to lots of it although I’m younger than Joan. I felt her joy and pain and wish her well.

[Jackie Salmon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Disappointed

Sadly was expecting a book about ocd and Kenny's story, in fact there was very little relating to that at all.

[Nicola Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting read of the ups and downs of hard family life from the 50s to present - also coping with OSD

“This extraordinary true story will move you to tears and inspire you to never give up.
Set in North-East England in the 1950s and 60s, it follows the life of a lively teenager who falls for a handsome older man.
Joan dreams of a romantic future, but her husband’s obsessive-compulsive disorder stands in the way of creating a normal home for their growing family.
She must find a way to overcome the formidable challenges that stand in her way as she tries to find happiness.
Immersed in the warmth, love and hardship of a working-class community, Joan's story of heartbreak, adversity and resilience will stay with you forever.”

[Terri · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful Read

Just a beautifully written memoir by Joan Leech. Sadly during the period of time this book was set, mental illness was ‘hush-hush’ it had a stigma to it, unlike today’s era. Joan describes the life she had to endure having a husband with OCD. The frustration she felt because he could/would not acknowledge that there was anything wrong with him. The highs and lows of raising a family whilst having to cope with a husband who had old fashioned views of men’s and women’s roles.

[Bettina Hunt · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this a really interesting memoir. However, the amount dedicated to the OCD part of the story is small in comparison to the rest of the book, so if you are expecting a book about OCD, this is not going to be it. But, nonetheless, you learn a little about the impact OCD has on a family. More interesting was how strong Joan was as a woman and mother to her children. A moving memoir, worth a read.

[Christine Cazeneuve · Rating 4 out of 5]

A touching story of a remarkable woman and the challenging life she lived. A life filled with frustration, fear, anger but also with humor and the strength and love she gained from her children. OCD is difficult to treat in today's world - read what it was like for this woman to be married to a man with it while raising 5 children during the 60s and 70s. Joan was amazing.

[Joyce Ellis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite enjoyed the story of life in the 60s and 70s. However, I do think Joan was quite unsympathetic towards Kenny a lot of the time. He was obviously on the autism spectrum, and suffered from horrendous OCD. How sad that there was so little understanding 50 years ago. Glad she got her happy ending though.

[Martin Wilding · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting autobiography

This an interesting book told of life in Middlesborough. Not sure why the author decided to write it as she is neither famous or has an interesting story , in my view. Anyway a good account of a life lived from the 50's onwards, touching on love, obsession and loss.

[Becky Grinter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really interesting real ‘life story’ with an ending that manages to be both positive and sad. Joan shares the story of her life as a young girl then through her marriage and raising her children. She doesn’t shy away from the darker times of loss, depression and starting over. I’m sure her children are very proud of her and this book is a testament to how much she loved them.

[Malcolm D Joel · Rating 4 out of 5]

interesting ocd case

Having dealt with OCD I understand the illness but such a shame not to be on meds and change one’s life . OCD is pretty well understood now and the meds are good to keep in check

[Bridget Holbert · Rating 5 out of 5]

good

Well written, started off a little slow but didn’t take long to get into. The author takes thru her life from childhood to adulthood. Managing raising a family with a husband with a bathing disorder.

[connie brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy reading and love the storyteller!

This book was funny, sad and a real eye opener. It shows how mental illness doesn't just affect the person but in all their relationships as well. Great read!

[Catherine D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bought this book as a filler between books and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. It was heartwarming and genuinely lovely. A beautiful and sad story about raising a family in poverty and poor mental health. Also proof that even when your life is dire you can still be grateful for god given blessings

[Stephen Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Family is 🪙 gold

What an amazing and honest book that unleashed lots of wonderful memories and the vivid descriptions of days gone by..Joan Leech was an angel 😇 and a very special lady... Beautiful read

[Laurie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Investing from historical perspective, but not well written

[Olga Beaman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gripping

I enjoyed this story thoroughly. The pain and hardships became real. It helped me understand that OCD is a real thing and it's been around for a long time.

[linda white · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book

I thought the book was really good and interesting as I come from Middlesbrough it bought back a lot of memories

[Eileen vaughan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eileen

Reminded me of my life in many ways felt so sad of her sad death after all she had suffered. Wishing the best to all her family

[Clare Barton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ins and outs of family life

An insight into how OCD can effect the whole family and how different members of the family cope with different situations.

[Sue Gair · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book as I personally know the family, just as I remembered

[cawtney naish · Rating 2 out of 5]

sorry gal didn’t rate it !!!!