She Is Not Your Rehab: One Man's Journey to Healing and the Global Anti-Violence Movement He Inspired

by Matt Brown

Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown offers the men in his barbershop a haircut with a a safe space to be seen and heard without judgement. As the creator of My Fathers Barbers, Matt has inspired a new generation of New Zealand men to break free from the cycle of abuse - and those men have in turn inspired Matt and his wife, Sarah, to create the global anti-violence movement She Is Not Your Rehab. In this book, Matt shares his own story and those of his how they survived family violence and abuse, and how they were able to find healing and turn their lives around. He introduces the people and concepts that have helped him heal and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own journeys.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Mental Health, Adult, Parenting

404 pages, Paperback

First published July 2, 2021

About the author

Librarian Note: There are several authors in the GoodReads database with this name. Those listed below have multiple books listed on GoodReads.

Matt Brown (2 spaces): Has the podcast The Matt Brown Show, experiments with ChatGPT
Matt Brown (3 spaces): GRs author of sci/fi, horror, & children’s books,
has the Compton Valance series
Matt Brown (4 spaces): German westerns
Matt Brown (5 spaces): tiny houses
Matt Brown (6 spaces): GRs author of Christian books
Matt Brown (14 spaces): GRs author of the Everything You Know About ___ Is Wrong books

Reviews

[Casey Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read. Well written and easy to relate to.
I read this as a psychologist working with male inmates and there are so many highlighted sections that I’ll be sharing with them. Kia kaha!

[Miz]

I simply cannot rate this; what an amazing person.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

She Is Not Your Rehab
By Matt Brown
Having the courage to say this stops with me was a life changing statement for Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown.
Brown offers the men in his barbershop a haircut with a difference- a safe space to be seen and heard without judgement. As the founder of My Fathers Barbers, Matt has inspired New Zealand men to break free from the cycle of abuse. In turn Matt and his wife Sarah have created a global anti-violence movement - She Is Not Your Rehab.
Matt is a survivor of family violence and abuse. Time and healing have helped Matt not become a statistic. Instead he is a purveyor of change. He introduces people to concepts that have helped him heal and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own journeys.

This was such an inspiring read, Matt and Sarah’s dedication in helping people demonstrates the power of vulnerability and honesty in addressing pain and shame and that anyone can change, given the opportunity.

[Susannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very powerful book written by New Zealander Matt Brown. It is less an autobiography (although it contains autobiographical elements) and more a guide for men on how to rethink their behaviour in order to live better lives, both for themselves, and for those they love.

The main message is for men to take accountability and responsibility for their own lives, behaviours, and healing. This is where the title of the book comes from, "She is not your rehab", as in your partner in life cannot be the one to fix all your problems. You must do that yourself. Every chapter is framed as "She is not..." and talks about a topic that some men may expect of their partners, and which places an unfair burden on her.

Brown is a barber, and many of his examples of how men avoid responsibility for themselves comes from his clients in his barbershop, but he also recounts stories from his own, often harrowing, life. Although aimed at men in heterosexual relationships, the lessons in this book can be applied to anyone's relationship with their partner.

[Ree · Rating 5 out of 5]

She is NOT your rehab, your mother, your absent father, your shame, your trauma, your saviour, your ex, your porn star, your prison, your lifeline, your hired help, your punching bag, your doormat, your competition, your bank account, your quick fix, your trophy, your grief or... your excuse.

Book: 5☆
Audiobook Narration: 4.5☆

Matt Brown expertly holds men to account for the ways they perpetuate patriarchal norms that cause harm to women whilst also being very compassionate for the ways that men are also harmed by those same patriarchal norms. He also provides excellent and practical advice for how men can work on themselves and together to break these viscious cycles of abuse. *applause*

Every man, and everyone who loves men, should read this book!

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really isn’t for me. It’s for men who need to hear some hard truths from an understanding, thoughtful guy who’s made his barbershop into a kind of therapy clinic. But as a woman who’s had dysfunctional relationships in the past, this book has some great insights from the masculine point of view, and it heals my heart a little to see men talking about how they handle their emotional well-being and how they can work as equals with their partners, not use them to perform emotional labor for them.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible

I would recommend this book to everyone. It is a must read for all men. As Matt said; Healed people heal people.

[Polynesianreader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cycles repeat until one person has the courage to say, “This stops with me” - Matt Brown

[F.K. Maddison · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I'm honest, I was sceptical about reading this book, thinking that it would be a 'feel sorry for me because I abuse my wife' story but it is far from that. I thought I would give it a go and then stop a couple of listens in, however ...

Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown is incredibly honest about his and other men's behaviour and poor treatment of others - mainly loved ones around them. Learning through his own journey to be able to deal with his own traumatic childhood, and through his barbershop in Aotearoa, Matt listens to his customers and offers his advice to the troubled souls that come for a haircut and so much more.

I cried at the heartbreak, nodded in agreement and laughed out loud at his and Sarah's (his wife's) frank and honest advice.

She is Not Your Rehab is hard-hitting but heartfelt. Although this book is aimed at men that are abusive to their loved ones - violent and non-violent - I think women should definitely read or listen to Matt and Sarah's words of wisdom, whether you are in or have experienced an abusive relationship, or indeed if you are the abuser or have witnessed the abuse being done. This book is very much about anti-violence and our negative behaviour, so we can all learn from it.

I listened to the audiobook version - great narration from Matt and his wife. If you read one book this year - make sure it's this one. So good!

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very thoughtful and direct way to understanding generational trauma. Demostrates that healing is on you bro. Change is the inevitable outcome of growth. There are no quick fixes. Do the work. You have the capacity. There is a path to heal.

[LadyUzu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Faafetai lava Mataio for sharing your story.

I have struggled in my healing journey, particularly when it comes to forgiving my parents despite understanding what it must have been like for them growing up in a strict and abusive household. Unfortunately, a common cycle in polynesian communities.

Not ashamed to say I cried reading this. Especially when it came to understanding the destructive rage I held for years. Acknowledging the wounds I am yet to heal.

To my polynesian brothers and sisters who are struggling with their healing journey because you're not sure where to start, this is an excellent tool to use in your growth. I will probably be referring back to this book for years to come. Could not recommend enough 💜

All I know is that the cycle "stops with me".

[Tia · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is impossible to overstate just how important, impactful and most significantly - compassionate - this book truly is.

I am not the intended target audience for this, and I went into it hoping to find something that could reach people I myself could not - I did not expect to be as thoroughly moved and deeply affected as I was.

While it is an incredibly difficult read - one that required pauses after certain chapters - I find that it is one of the most important books I have read in a good long while.

I cannot do anything other than to recommend everyone who is considering picking it up to do so. Please .

[Josephine Hood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sobering. Sobering that children go through such trauma, in unsafe homes. Sobering that a man can tackle his inner demons and forgive. Sobering that he can the reach out and help others heal.
This book might be more accessible to its intended audience in booklet form, based on each of the chapters.

[Rae Slezak · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is amazing, I wish all the men in my life would read this... took a star off because some of the anecdotes display a lot of anti-fat bias, which was disappointing. I hope the author can be introduced to HAES at some point in his life!

[Caddyshack Project · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heartfelt, sincere, straightforward, and practical book that has started a global movement to end abuse. Written by a man for men, there is however, something in this book for everyone about healthy relationships with its honest depiction of healing being messy, raw, vulnerable and taking time.

[Nancy Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

spot on - edgy straight to the point - read by the author - helps both sides heal from domestic abuse

[Tessa Apa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing and much needed words for so many. This book will find its way to everyone that needs it.

[Charlotte Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really enjoyable, for the targeted audience I am sure would be higher rating. Enjoyed the personal stories the most

[Janine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dnf. Not that is isn't a good book, it is. It has a powerful message and the story about Matt, his wife and the customers in the barbershop are raw and heartbreaking. The way the book is set up wasn't what I was expecting and that's okay.

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an uncomfortable read. Because the stories told in this hit way too close to home on both sides. It felt like finally giving a name to something I’ve felt for a long time, something heavy, something confusing, something that makes you feel like there's a hole in your chest. He talks about pain, shame, and love in a way that doesn’t shame, but demands truth. And truth? I know it, in both forms, the one that breaks you when you’re the hurt, and the one that doesn’t let you rest when you’re the hurting.

When he talks about men who hide behind anger, silence, or pretending nothing’s wrong, I see him talking about me. The weight I carry, the stories I replay, the regrets for damage I didn’t even know I was having. And when he turns to the women, those who hold on, hoping love will be enough, those who stay, believing the promises even though broken pieces pile up, I feel that too. I see the cost of believing I could fix someone with my love. I see all the times I lost myself, hoping someone else would find themselves.

This book isn’t easy. It’s not soft. It doesn’t let you off the hook. But it’s kind. Matt’s words talk about accountability that doesn’t destroy, compassion that doesn’t excuse, and a way forward for those of us who’ve been both victim and perpetrator in cycles we didn’t even understand until now.

If you’ve ever thought that maybe love was supposed to fix everything, that maybe being kind means staying even when you’re breaking, this book is for you. It reminded me that love without boundaries still wounds, that healing starts when you stop trying to carry someone else’s weight. It gave me hope that I can be honest. Be whole. Be someone who loves without losing themselves.

[Jodi Bassett-Scarfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be recommended reading (in the curriculum) in all schools for ages 16 and up…it teaches both men and women how to have healthy relationships/partnerships…for men to learn how to treat and relate to women and for women to understand what men need to feel loved as well; also how it’s alright for men to be vulnerable, but also be accountable for and care for themselves rather than expecting women to do it for them.

I’ve known about this book and the movement (#sheisnotyourrehab) for a few years, following them on Instagram. I chose not to buy the book to read as thought it would bring up too many sad memories of a past abusive relationship. When it showed up in my local library though, I decided it was time to read it.

Although it was initially emotional for me personally (I felt those feelings of grief and shame for a day or 2), I moved beyond myself reading about Matt and his siblings horrifically abusive upbringing and how far Matt has come helping others.

This book is not just about being in abusive relationships, although that is where the author Matt Brown spent the first 15 years of his life, each chapter addresses what a woman is NOT in a relationship, and how men need to take accountability for their own healing, actions, feelings and lives.

Chapter by chapter, Matt addresses how a woman is NOT a man’s rehab, NOT his mother or an absent father, NOT a man’s shame or trauma, NOT his saviour or lifeline, NOT his ex, NOT auditioning for him or a porn star, NOT a prison to get away from, NOT hired help, a punching bag or theirs’ to control, NOT a doormat, their competition or bank account, NOT a quick fix, a trophy, a man’s grief or excuse.

As each chapter talks about the areas (above) that a woman is NOT to a man, Matt gives examples and stories of how this looks (with people Matt or his wife, Sarah, have known) and what a man can do to heal and turn his life around.

Matt introduces people and concepts that have helped him heal and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own healing journey, including working hard on himself daily to change his life (with different therapists and a lot of ongoing, self talk). This resulted in the building of a friendship then a healthy partnership, relationship and family with his beloved Sarah (who also lovingly called him out on his bullshit and allowed him to show his vulnerability).

Through sharing his own story, and those of the clients Matt listens to in his barbershop (a safe space to be seen and heard without judgement), this book demonstrates the power of vulnerability (men feeling safe to share their trauma and being able to cry) and honesty in addressing their pain and shame and shows how men (and women) can empower themselves by taking responsibility for their own healing.

Although Matt wrote this book for kids that have had terribly abusive upbringings (and his mum), it is relatable and a much needed read for all men, and women (no one has a perfect upbringing and can have all their needs met by their parents!) and I highly recommend it!

It covers Issues like porn addiction, traditional gender roles in the household, trophy wives, not fully stepping into relationships (something better may come along!), sharing of finances, parenting, etc. All men can benefit from reading this and all women. Women also need to know their own worth, when to step back and say no, and to let men do their own work (emotional, physical, pull their weight in the household, etc) and be equal partners in a relationship.

I thank Matt for being so honest and vulnerable and standing up and encouraging men to treat women with love and respect and, along with Sarah, continuing to help so many men (and women) on their healing journeys and healthy relationship building 🙏. I now want to buy the book and a t-shirt! 💖…

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book I've read on domestic and familial violence. Written by an ex victim of abuse, and aimed at the men who are perpetrators, but at healing them and getting them to seek help. The author's TED talk in Christchurch is a great introduction to the style of the book. Not preachy, informed by both experience and counselling and research. This is a rare man who has come through all the pain of his childhood and who seeks to heal and to understand how the hypermasculinity of some cultures and mores harms those who adopt it, and how to redirect the emotions which are only acceptably translated into anger by those who subscribe to the above. And thereby heal.
The intimacy of the barbers chair opens up secrets to those who might never examine their behaviour and patterns otherwise, and Matt has used his gifts and understanding to make a real difference to his clients, both at the barbershop and through the workshops he now offers widely.
I am a woman who has not experienced DV, and who is not the intended audience for this book, but I found it insightful and fascinating, and informed by the strong woman who is Matt's partner. There would be a lot of understanding to be gained by anyone affected in any way by DV.

[Kylie Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

She Is Not Your Rehab by Matt Brown is a raw, powerful memoir and social manifesto that challenges men to take responsibility for their healing rather than relying on women to fix them. Drawing from his own experiences of childhood trauma and domestic violence, Brown shares how he broke cycles of harm through therapy, storytelling, and community support. His barbershop became a sanctuary for men to speak openly, dismantling toxic masculinity and redefining strength as vulnerability.

The title is a bold declaration: women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men. Brown urges readers—especially men—to confront their pain, seek help, and stop outsourcing emotional labor to their partners. He weaves cultural insight, personal reflection, and practical tools into a compelling guide for transformation.

Rooted in his Samoan heritage and the realities of intergenerational trauma, Brown’s message resonates far beyond New Zealand. It’s a call to action for anyone ready to heal, love better, and live with integrity. The book is both confronting and compassionate, offering hope without sugarcoating the work required. It’s not just a read—it’s an invitation to change.

[Anna Pryde · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, took lots away from it. I’m a woman and I’m not the target audience but I thought it was an interesting insight into the challenges of all the different kinds of abuse. It’s also awesome to hear Matt acknowledge and feel for those hurting and therefore hurting others but still expecting them to stand up, heal and do better.
Towards the end I found some of the stories a bit much, maybe the book was too long?

[Sarah McMullan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Straight up, unapologetic, honest.

A book that would be as much help to both abusers and those who have been abused, it offers real insight into how people end up in situations they never thought they would, and what keeps them there. A sobering but essential read and it should be a must read for every GP in NZ.

[Rueben · Rating 5 out of 5]

'You can only be loved as much as you are truly known'

Perhaps the most comprehensive and profound analysis on male violence/men's issues that I've ever read. Matt Brown is a veritable guru of emotional intelligence and male self-improvement (this book practically serves as a guide for both these things). A truly extraordinary, insightful and above all--useful--read. Can't praise it enough!

[ReadingupwiththeRajs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes you read a book and wish that author was in your circle, one of your people. This book!! This author!!!

Matt Brown wrote this book beautifully and with an inspiring emotional intelligence.
When books like this exist, there is hope for one day moving beyond family and gendered violence in all of its forms.

[EJ Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Matt's story is incredible - raw and inspiring. I listened to the audiobook, and loved the fact that Matt reading it himself made it feel like I was sitting in his barbershop. I am not the book's target audience, being female, but I found it relevant and moving anyway

[Emma Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

An inspiring book, Matt shares his darkest moments with us as a reminder, we are not our Trauma
We can spend every day trying to be a better version of who we were yesterday, for ourselves & for those we love
A reminder that feelings aren’t a weakness, and we aren’t alone

[Tanya Hakala · Rating 4 out of 5]

Matt wrote this book for heterosexual men. That is who he knows and who he spends his time with. In reality, though, the lessons in it apply to anyone who has experienced generational trauma and is looking to end the cycle of abuse and trauma.