Po pierwsze ja. Jak dbać o innych, nie zaniedbując siebie

by Emma Reed Turrell

Publikacja Emmy Reed Turrell pt. "Po pierwsze ja" skierowana jest do osób, które nałogowo innych stawiają na pierwszym miejscu, zapominając albo nie dbając aż tak bardzo o własne potrzeby. Uświadamia jak ważne jest to, by samemu siebie akceptować i rozumieć. Książka podzielona jest na rozdziały omawiające zagadnienie uszczęśliwiania w różnych aspektach życia, takich jak praca, związek, dzieci, rodzice. Jest też ten podział podstawowy na kobiety i mężczyzn i rozprawienie się ze stereotypami, a także temat tak aktualny jak uszczęśliwianie online. Każdy z rozdziałów zawiera omówienie ogólne, przykłady wzięte z doświadczenia zawodowego autorki, która od wielu lat prowadzi własną praktykę terapeutyczną oraz zagadnienia-pytania, nad którymi powinni zastanowić się czytelnicy. Temat więc omówiony jest bardzo szeroko, a równocześnie zrozumiale dla każdego. Myślę, że książka przede wszystkim pomaga przekonać do tego, że nie można sobie umniejszać, nie można o sobie myśleć źle. Trzeba siebie rozumieć, rozumieć swoje emocje i to skąd się biorą i dlaczego się pojawiają. Trzeba siebie po pierwsze akceptować. Dopiero wtedy można zacząć pomagać innych bez wyrządzania komukolwiek krzywdy. To dobra, wartościowa pozycja.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Relationships, Audiobook, Personal Development

320 pages, Paperback

Published October 20, 2021

Reviews

[Siqahiqa · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Pleasing yourself means treating yourself at least as well as you treat everyone else."

People-please is the person who always put others first. They fear being judged for being thoughtful and find it easier to say yes than explain why not. In the beginning, the author introduced us to the four types of people-pleasers (the four pleasing profiles). From this point, the author divided the chapters based on the relationships and went deeper about the situation that raises people to become people-pleaser. The case studies are reasonable and will help you identify your habits around people and set boundaries with them. I definitely can see myself at some points in this book.

The writing style is not always easy to follow. I need to re-read a few times to process the content. Furthermore, long paragraphs dominate this book, making me quite tired by just looking at it. I read this book slowly and not more than 15 pages at each session.

Based on this book, I can say that child development is significant. Even though the author explains the situation in other pleasing chapters unrelated to parents/family, the root cause of the subjects' behavior is still coming from parents/family.

My takeaways from this book are:
🔖 Making yourself a priority – just because you can do it doesn't mean you should.
🔖 Be honest about what you want and account for the consequences of your options.
🔖 Be yourself; you might as well be criticized for who you are rather than who you're not.
🔖 It's typically not what is said but what is not said that causes problems in relationships.
🔖 Don't make the mistake of comparing your inside to everybody else's outside.
🔖 We must understand why we want it, not just knowing what we want.
🔖 If you say no and someone is disappointed, or something fails, it doesn't mean you should have said yes, and it also doesn't tell you a bad person.
🔖 We must allow ourselves to reflect when something goes wrong or right.

To conclude, we can be a people-pleaser, but please do not sacrifice ourselves in the process. We must respect our own feeling and what makes us happy. This book will teach you to be you by caring for others by not neglecting yourself, and acknowledging your own needs. It is an eye-opener book; only I think it's more on examples based on case studies and not enough applied suggestions. 

Thank you Miss Putri and Times Reads for sending me a copy of this book in return for an honest review ✨

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

There's a terrible condition I have. It's contagious. It's one 90% of Brits have, and an astounding number of Yorubas have as well. So raised with two cultural upbringings, I've got a double whammy of this contagious condition.

It's called people pleasing.

I've been aware of people pleasing, attachment theory, and boundaries for a long time: ever since a young David came across Mark Manson's work (before he wrote Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck).

But quite a few things have come to a head in the past few months, and y'know what? I am just so dang tired of pleasing people.

So I picked up this book.

Unlike a lot of literature on this subject, the author is British. Which adds a refreshing take on the subject, from the individualist Americans, or the Christian authors who touch on this subject. Here is someone who understands it's not about not caring. It's not about "me first". It's about "me too". Who gets the endemic people pleasing that is British culture.

E.g there's a great section talking about the different ways to decline an invitation respectfully because it's what you need. But there's a clear "don't say yes then cancel last minute. Because that's choosing the instant gratification of people pleasing, with a heavy dose of disrespect later."

Something a lot of the blog/medium/meme content around people pleasing and boundaries forget is that: respect. People pleasing is a losing proposition. It's a behaviour done to arrange the feelings of others because you're terrified (usually because your childhood map is warped or some traumatic event. See The Body Knows the Score for more on this) of upsetting someone. This is usually a maladaptive behaviour you learned to protect yourself in childhood.

But y'know where it doesn't work? Adulthood.

Because in adulthood we relate to each other by respecting one another. And if you people please you're not just disrespecting the other person (by denying them the agency to be upset) you're also disrespecting yourself.

And if you disregard your feelings, guess what? Bad mental health things happen.

The book is well written, coupled with a couple of journalling exercises to carry out every chapter. There's an amazing two chapters that discuss people pleasing and gender, which was a refreshing nuanced look at the subject, which I want to force down the throats of everyone (usually a sign I should explore writing an article about it). It's based on the therapists experience with her clients, who cover a range of profiles and problems.

So is it worth reading? I'd say hell yes. Something recently occurred at work which made me angry enough I had to go for a walk to cool off. Where usually I'd just have let it lie (a behaviour I often took to doing during the pandemic that led to 2-3 mini burnouts), this time I took time (after calming down) to write a series of actions I could take to address the boundary violation.

I'm not expecting the result I want. But at least in paying attention to my feelings (which usually know what they're on about) I'm respecting myself. And I'm risking upsetting someone else, but that's what's required for a healthy respectful working relationship.

I couldn't help but also be self reflective while reading and think of episodes where I have a story of being the aggrieved victim and going "well hey. If I was carrying out people pleasing behaviour, maybe it pissed them off, and they had reason to react that way". Which is always a healthy thing to go through. Might be wrong. But self reflection is always healthy for the act, not necessarily the conclusion.

Digression aside — pick up the book. If you're a people pleaser you'll get a lot out of it. If you aren't, you might pick up a thing or two.

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a fascinating read. Interesting to hear that in a way people-pleasing is a form of manipulation, even if unconscious, because people-pleasers expect to be pleased in return, and that it mostly stems from childhood attachments, as explained in the multiple case studies the author runs through from her time as a psychotherapist.

Knocked a star off just because the way in which it was massively focused on traditional people-pleasing cis straight women grated on me - would’ve been more interesting and representative if the writer wrote about a broader demographic.

[Ros · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the start with the definitions of different people-pleasing characteristics. This sparked lots of discussion and thought.

[Harry Fox · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was great and I would recommend everyone to read it. Particularly, the author does a great way of explaining how "people-pleasing" tendencies pervade almost all aspects of (undesirable) behaviour, not just the classic idea of the peppy busybody who is trying to maintain everyone else's happiness at the expense of their own.

Undoubtedly, the insights from this book improve my relationship with myself as well as with the people I care most about. Read it!

Additional thought: the author also does a great job of making the advice relative to everyone. Typically, people-pleasing can be associated with femininity, but Reed Turrel dedicates a significant section of the book talking about people-pleasing patterns that are specific to men and patriarchal structures, which I found totally insightful. Of course, she also takes the time to give the same amount of attention to people-pleasing as a woman, and also touched on how this can be pervasive in all sorts of environments from family relationships, to romantic ones, friendships, and even interactions in the workplace or with strangers.

[Elise Van Kuijk · Rating 3 out of 5]

De titel van het boek sprak me heel erg aan als echte people pleaser. Helaas viel de inhoud van het boek wat tegen.. Emma Reed Turrell laat veel casussen vanuit haar werk als psychotherapeut terug komen in het boek. Deze waren interessant en soms ook herkenbaar om te lezen. Maar ik had graag meer adviezen en tips willen terug lezen over hoe je nu écht voor jezelf kunt kiezen..

[Kate Henderson · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title of this book jumped out at me, and I knew this book was one for me!
However, the book itself was lacking any substance and was very dull.
I wanted more advice and tips that I could put into practice, but I just felt that Emma Reed Turrell was writing about previous patients and their stories.
Not what I was wanting, and not what I expected. Disappointed!

[Rangoli Kute · Rating 4 out of 5]

Uffffff So long!
Great examples, a lot introspection, good fleshing out of certain concepts about life. I think we’re all, all kinds of people pleasers in life. There’s a lot you can pick up from the book and apply and some concepts that have been fleshed out help us understand our ideas of things in life better.
Not a book I’d go back to, but definitely recommend it for a 1 time read.

[Katie O'Rourke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good stuff here. The part about people pleasing at work hit me like a ton of bricks.

[CrayZey · Rating 2 out of 5]

What a drag this was...

[Olha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I definitely ticked off a lot of traits of a people-pleaser while listening to the book, not that I hadn’t suspected being one before. Unfortunately, the book didn’t really give me any ideas on how to deal with it, but it got me interested, and now I want to find out more about it.

[Kristyn Le · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was recommended this book by my psychologist, who knew very well that I had trouble managing my people-pleasing habits and thus, created many unnecessary stress in my life. I honestly was not going to pick this up, but after experiencing disappointments in my friendships and feeling like I was getting more negative, I decided to educate myself.

Even though my psychologist had warned me about the harsh truths and that they might offend me, I still wasn't prepared for them at all. Reading about how my people-pleasing habits could be manipulative and negatively affect my loved ones, I was appalled! But, I didn't resist these lessons because they were true. This book helped me reflect on my past, my present, and my future: what went wrong, what's going wrong, and what I can do to prevent these wrongs from happening again.

This book covers people-pleasing in various situations in our lives: parents, friends, workplace, etc. Even though I mainly struggle with people-pleasing friendships, I find other chapters still really useful. I recommend everyone read every chapter in this book because even if the problems in some chapters don't apply to you in particular, someone in your life may be struggling with these or your future self may struggle with them.

You will find that this book can be repetitive. The same message of "pleasing yourself" and "putting yourself first" will be present on every page, and I understand that some may find that tiresome. But, I would argue that the journey of pleasing oneself is a difficult one, and it is easy to fall back into old habits. To have these constant reminders that you are enough and worthy will force you to believe that one day. This repetition is very effective and I applaud the author for that.

Please Yourself is an absolutely thought-provoking book. It doesn't shy away from calling the reader out on their manipulative tactics and how their people-pleasing habits can affect the people around them. But, it also acknowledges one's pain and how this could lead to people-pleasing. The book challenges our honesty and the ability to be vulnerable by asking therapy-like questions. Once you find the origin of your people-pleasing habits, the book guides you on prioritizing yourself first.

If you are a people-pleaser, like me, please give this book a go. You deserve to live a healthy life; your authentic self is deserving of love by the right people. It's also okay if you need to take breaks in between to process and grieve; some parts were particularly hard for me to read as well.

You are enough. You are more than enough. Please remember that.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review – thanks as always to Netgalley for sending this to me!

Please Yourself is a self-help book basically made for me. People-pleasing has been an issue for me for basically my entire adult life, and honestly, I’m tired of it. I find myself constantly bending over backwards to please other people, to the benefit of no one – it breeds contempt in others and resentment in myself. When this book came up on my Netgalley feed, it seemed sent specifically for me. I’ve never found self-help books to be massively useful before, but this one really struck a chord with me.

Emma Turrell is a therapist by trade, and as such, this book is a combination of advice, suggestions, and anecdotes that all help you to examine your people-pleasing tendencies and challenge them head-on. It’s full of actionable advice and offers suggestions or even scripts of how to handle difficult situations, which I find massively helpful. As someone who struggles with conflict, having some rote responses suggested to me struck me as really helpful. Now I don’t have to find the words to extricate myself from people-pleasing situations, because some have already been provided for me!

It’s strange, but I think that I’ve almost been searching for permission to displease people. Something that’s emphasized in this book is that it’s okay if people don’t like you, if your actions are an inconvenience, if you don’t choose to make someone else’s life easier, that it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s silly, because so much of what was written in this book was common sense, and yet I feel like I just needed someone to point it out to me. I remember going to my sibling and saying in awe “It’s okay if someone doesn’t like me.” Meanwhile they rolled their eyes at me like “duh.” There were lots of little moments in this book, where a seemingly obvious truth bonked me on the head. People-pleasing is ultimately a selfish act! It’s about managing other people to avoid a reaction you don’t want! It’s manipulative! All of which makes me feel better about not doing it. Even the simple act of reading the book, before I’d even finished it, encouraged me to start working on anti-people-pleasing strategies.

Not everything in this book was applicable to me – there was a section about child-raising that I largely skimmed, given that one pleasing impulse I have and will never surrender to is having kids to appease my mother, and a section on people pleasers who’ve been socialised as male – but even the stuff that didn’t necessarily fit me had things in it that could still be taken note of. The writing style is also very simple and accessible, which meant that no part of the reading experience was a chore. Everything here was digestible and easy to understand.

Overall, I found this book to be extremely useful and eye-opening – more so than I expected, honestly. I’ll definitely be referring back to it in the future, and here’s hoping that the lessons will stick with me and foil more of my pleasing tendencies in the future!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book to read if you’re a people-pleaser like me! I got quite a bit of good advice from this book and I’m going to try implement some of that advice into my own life. At times the writing was hard to follow, I found myself skimming, and also rereading certain passages just to understand the author fully. There was nothing revolutionary in this book really, just some practical advice but I did enjoy reading this and I liked reading about her different clients too.

[Ollie Francis · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first time that I have felt really seen by a book of this nature. Throughout the book the author really puts into words the overwhelming paralysing feeling that I feel when I think I may disappoint someone with a decision. That feeling comes from trying to control the feelings of others to avoid conflict or consequences of making a decision. Conflict and consequences (sometimes negative sometimes positive) are part of life and need to be felt and dealt with so we can be ourselves. We can't avoid negative consequences so we need to put ourselves first (when appropriate) so that life is worth living. Otherwise we are left empty and hollow without a clear sense of who we are or what we want from life.

[JuliesBookhismus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Selfpleasing, statt People Pleasing
Wir kennen es alle. Mama und Papa sind die wichtigsten Menschen unserer Kindheit und wir wollen, dass sie glücklich sind. Dafür opfern wir uns völlig selbstlos auf, weil wir es ja nicht besser wissen in diesem Alter. Doch wenn das so weitergeht, wenn wir erwachsen sind, dann wird es schwierig, denn damit vernachlässigen wir uns selbst.
Wer sich nicht selbst mag, kann nicht erwarten, dass andere einen mögen. Schon in der Bibel steht geschrieben: “Liebe deinen Nächsten, WIE DICH SELBST!“ und ich bin absolute Heidin/Atheistin! Aber dieser eine Passus ist für mich tatsächlich das einzig wichtige in diesem fetten Schinken.
Die Autorin Turrel ist eine Psychologin, die genau mit solchen Fällen arbeitet. Sie bietet ziemlich viele Beispiele anhand von echten Fällen und zeigt auf, welche verschiedenen Arten des People Pleasing es gibt und glaubt mir, ich habe mich tatsächlich in allen wiedererkannt. Zwar nur zum Teil, aber es war trotzdem echt erschreckend, was man schon mit der Geburt vermittelt und anerzogen bekommt.
Heute bin ich soweit darüber nachzudenken und auch diese Momente zu erkennen. Doch es ist nicht leicht, denn nicht in alte Muster zu verfallen, ist viel schwieriger als man sich das vorstellt. Mit der Hilfe der Autorin, fängt man an darüber nachzudenken und bekommt sogar Hilfestellungen.
Mir hat es wieder einmal mehr die Augen geöffnet und ich werde weiter an mir arbeiten.

[Nikita · Rating 3 out of 5]

mildly helpful in the sense that some of the topics she discusses might help someone figure out the root causes of their people pleasing.

some good commentary on women having tendencies to be people pleasing

some questionable remarks about feminism but I'm gonna disregard cause I think her mind is just tainted from being a Boy Mom lmao. I don't care if your son feels sad that "Girl Power" exists lol.

[Miriam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Das Buch ist sicherlich für viele Leser*innen hilfreich und bietet durch die vielen Fallbeispiele einige Möglichkeiten, siech wiederzufinden und durch die Erläuterungen Hilfestellungen, wie Veränderung möglich ist. Mir persönlich hat das Buch sehr gut gefallen, da ich mich bereits in einem Prozess der Veränderung befinde und mich auf der einen Seite in Vielem wieder erkannte, auf der anderen Seite, die Herangehensweisen an Veränderung bereits kannte. Und trotzdem habe ich noch einige neue Anstöße bekommen. Ich glaube, dass auch Menschen, die sich noch gar nicht damit beschäftigt habe, hier einen guten Zugang finden werden. Ich finde, das Buch ist niederschwellig und zugänglich und kann bei der persönlichen Entwicklung unterstützen. In der Übersetzung hätte ich vielleicht einige Begriffe anders übersetzt oder erklärt, das störte aber nicht sehr. Nicht alle Kapitel waren für mich hilfreich. Insgesamt eine deutliche Empfehlung.

Das Buchwurde mir über netgalley gratis zur Verfügung gestellt.

[Bluue · Rating 4 out of 5]

To chyba pierwszy poradnik, z którego tyle wyciągnęłam. Co prawda, trochę ciężko było mi przez nią przebrnąć bo wymagała ode mnie dużej ilości skupienia chwilami, ale było warto. Bo dowiedziałam się, że jestem zadowalaczem, a wcale nie muszę nim być. Polecam serdecznie!

[Olivia Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a real eye opener. For anyone who has people pleasing tendencies, or grew up with one or spends time with one now, this book is a must read.
I found the parts about the manipulative nature of people pleasers fascinating and had never considered that those who aim to please expect to be pleased themselves and manipulate to get it.
If you know a people pleaser and want to understand them, or, if you are one, READ THIS BOOK.
5 Big stars*

[Leah Merricks · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very necessary read - I really found a lot of value in this as a chronic people pleaser. Really informative, anecdotal, exploratory and empowering

[Dina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Felt like this was written for me. It’s not complicated and long. It’s simple and straightforward with helpful questions and suggestions to stop people-pleasing.

Please yourself is about reflecting on how your past shapes you, being honest with who you are, accepting yourself and setting boundaries. Anger is not wrong, it’s a signal to change something, use it wisely. People-pleasing is not about kindness, but manipulation. It’s fear of rocking the boat, and wanting to be liked, not for who you are, but who you think you’re supposed to be. The root of people-pleasing: low self-worth, the remedy: prioritize yourself. Not caring is not an option. Be authentic and you’ll have authentic relationships.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quick and easy read. I highly recommend it to those who have a lifetime penchant for people pleasing. It’s an original and practical take on this oft problematic behaviour.

[Ambs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful and helpful for the people pleasers and overthinkers out there 🫶🏼

[Steph LaPlante · Rating 4 out of 5]

10/10 recommend this to anyone who feels they are a people pleaser or who are dealing with a people pleaser. it was very enlightening and helpful.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Viele gute Aspekte, ich konnte etwas mitnehmen. Manches war mir etwas zu stereotyp ausgedrückt, aber insgesamt wertvolles Buch.

[Miles · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really good initial insight into people pleasing behaviour and good solutions. Lots of examples, but sometimes to the detriment of easy reading.

[Carla Parreira]

Melhores trechos: "...Simbiótico e codependente são termos que ouvimos muito sobre relacionamentos de pessoas que buscam agradar. Na natureza, a simbiose é a interdependência mutuamente benéfica entre dois organismos. Na psicologia, significa depender de maneira pouco saudável de outra pessoa para que ela nos proporcione recursos vitais. Não a comida e o abrigo de que precisávamos como bebês, mas a estrutura emocional que podemos buscar na vida adulta quando não aprendemos a dar isso a nós mesmos... Estamos tão acostumados a ignorar nossas próprias necessidades e a resolver os sentimentos dos outros que esquecemos que podemos encerrar amizades que não funcionam mais para nós, a fim de criar espaço para outras que funcionem. Estamos tão ocupados tentando fazer com que os outros gostem de nós que nos esquecemos de nos perguntar se nós gostamos deles... O que sentimos no presente não é apenas dor; suas raízes estarão em uma dor que já sentimos antes. Quando os humanos se juntam para formar qualquer grupo, seja uma amizade, um clube esportivo ou uma equipe de trabalho, primeiro recriamos uma imagem de nosso primeiro grupo — nossa família de origem. Não é uma decisão consciente, mas usamos isso para descobrir que papel cada um de nós vai interpretar e como vamos interagir. É uma ferramenta inteligente da evolução humana: prever nossos amigos e inimigos e nos ajustar de acordo com isso. Claro, quando descobrimos quem uma pessoa é para nós — se, por exemplo, ela nos lembra nossa irmã ou nosso pai —, podemos também nutrir uma esperança inconsciente de que ela possa, no fundo, ser uma boa irmã ou um bom pai, ou seja, a pessoa que preencha o que faltava em nossa relação original. Que corrija os erros originais... Se uma amizade não nos permite sermos nós mesmos ou não nos ajuda a crescer, nunca foi uma amizade de verdade... É preciso generosidade para soltar a corda. Quando conseguimos nos abrir para a possibilidade de que nosso parceiro não puxa a outra ponta para nos controlar ou nos derrotar, mas sim para se manter firme em seu próprio condicionamento, podemos nos oferecer para soltar nossa ponta da corda primeiro, a fim de eliminar a resistência e descobrir o que surge no lugar dela. Se você ainda não chegou a uma resolução, pode ser necessário tempo para soltar de vez; e todos precisamos de um pouco de paciência para ter certeza. Dialogar com generosidade não significa reproduzir estratégias de agradar ao outro. Significa disposição para ouvir as necessidades e os sentimentos genuínos de seu parceiro em vez de atender apenas às necessidades dele que você ou deseja atender, ou sabe como atender ou pode querer em troca. Essas são as estratégias limitadas da criança que busca agradar, e não o caminho para um vínculo adulto, honesto e íntimo. Descubra a verdade sobre quem é o outro, o que ele quer e se você é compatível, em vez de tentar transformá-lo em alguém a quem você pode agradar ou se transformar em alguém que pode agradá-lo... Quando os esforços para agradar não são reconhecidos ou correspondidos, em geral uma das partes — ou ambas —sente raiva e retira sua contribuição da mesa. Esses são os casais que pararam de dar algo um ao outro por sentirem que não estavam recebendo nada em troca. Casais que pararam de ouvir por não se sentirem ouvidos... A questão não é apenas saber o que queremos, é também entender por quê. Se conseguirmos nos desprender do conteúdo de nossa queixa, podemos olhar para o signidicado que associamos a ela e nos dedicar a uma resolução sincera dos problemas. Se conseguirmos entender por que isso importa para cada um de nós, podemos parar de defender nosso ponto de vista singular e sentir empatia e compaixão para aceitar que nossa verdade não é necessariamente a única. Se conseguirmos aceitar radicalmente o ponto de vista do outro por um momento, podemos buscar o fundo de verdade nele e nos assegurarmos de que ele fará o mesmo por nós. Assim que nos oferecermos para aceitar que há validade e boas intenções no ponto de vista do outro, nosso sistema nervoso pode deixar de lado a reação de lutar ou fugir e podemos voltar a pensar de forma racional, buscando soluções criativas e agindo de maneira colaborativa, agora com dois fundos de verdade para seguir em frente e boa vontade mútua para chegar a um meio-termo... Como alguém que busca sempre agradar, pode ser que você venda uma boa impressão no começo do relacionamento, compromete-se a agradar, mas está fadado a desapontar. Na tentativa de agradar (ou não desagradar) a um parceiro, você não conta como realmente se sente. Deixa as coisas rolarem fingindo ser quem você acha que ele deseja que você seja — até o dia em que não consegue mais. Ele termina a relação quando vê seu verdadeiro eu, ou você termina quando nota isso em você mesmo e não consegue ser a pessoa que se dispôs a ser. Quando resolve se esforçar mais ou ser menos exigente da próxima vez, você se dispõe novamente a ser a pessoa que acredita que deveria ser, em vez de ser quem você é, e o ciclo recomeça... Tentar evitar os relacionamentos disfuncionais que presenciou na infância pode levar você a uma hipercorreção. Em vez disso, vá atrás do que deseja, e assim poderá ir ao encontro de relacionamentos saudáveis. Algumas dessas pessoas que buscam sempre agradar nunca descobrem que poderiam ter vivido o que desejavam se tivessem simplesmente pedido. Ou se tivessem parado de se esforçar tanto para ter um 'bom' relacionamento e, em vez disso, tivessem vivido um relacionamento real. Talvez o que você queria já estivesse lá, à sua disposição. Incapaz de aceitar que você é desejável ou de confiar que é digno de amor, você inconscientemente sabota seus relacionamentos com sua carência e os conduz à inevitável e decepcionante conclusão que sempre imagina. Você assimila a mensagem de que fracassou de novo de alguma forma, de que não agradou ao outro ou não foi bom o bastante; e com isso passa por mais uma experiência que reforça sua sensação de inadequação, levando-a para o próximo relacionamento e incorporando-a nessa trajetória rumo a mais uma decepção futura... Ninguém falou aos agradadores que eles são responsáveis por apenas cinquenta por cento, por metade da relação. Os outros cinquenta por cento dependem de como a pessoa recebe o nosso 'não', e não podemos nos responsabilizar por isso... Às vezes, agradar a si mesmo significa fazer uma escolha que incomoda os outros. Para um agradador, isso pode gerar sentimentos avassaladores de culpa. A culpa é um sentimento natural, destinado a nos alertar quando fazemos algo errado. Se fizemos, então é bastante simples; a ação que precisamos tomar é reparar o mal, pedir desculpas ou corrigir o erro. Contudo, e se nossa atitude não é errada? E quem é que decide se ela é ou não errada? Talvez sejamos apenas culpados do crime de sermos nós mesmos, de termos uma opinião diferente ou uma necessidade diferente da do outro. Chatear uma pessoa de maneira intencional ou descuidada é errado, mas chatear uma pessoa por querer algo diferente dela não é... A raiva é o sentimento saudável de que precisamos para reafirmar nosso limite e para devolver à outra pessoa a responsabilidade por essa necessidade. Culpa é um sentimento paralisante quando não está fundamentada em um ato culpado, em um ato que nossa própria moral julgue inaceitável. É o disparo em falso de um sentimento e não temos como fazer nada em relação a ele. É importante manter nossa bússola moral e nos responsabilizarmos quando cabível. Devemos fazer reparações quando nos encontramos na origem de uma ruptura, mas não temos como emendar uma ruptura que não criamos... Se os agradadores se sentem ansiosos e por isso olham as redes sociais, ou se olham as redes sociais e por isso se sentem ansiosos, os efeitos parecem ser correlatos. Recorrer às redes sociais pode fazer você se sentir mal, e se sentir mal pode fazer você recorrer às redes sociais... Não é indelicado recusar o 'amor' de alguém que o oferece de forma manipuladora, controladora ou com segundas intenções — trata-se de uma questão de autopreservação, e é vital para agradar a si mesma... Um stalker pode até achar que as ações dele são movidas por amor. Uma paciente há pouco tempo me contou que vivera uma situação de violência doméstica porque, 'nos momentos em que é bonzinho, ele é maravilhoso e me coloca em um pedestal'. Não é no pedestal que você deve querer estar... Lena nunca quis chatear ou irritar um homem porque, de certa forma, achava que ele poderia atacá-la... A raiva é a energia transformadora que vai ajudar você a parar de agradar às outras pessoas e começar a agradar a si mesma... Existe um vasto espectro de relacionamentos disfuncionais. Em uma ponta, há o amigo carente que manda mensagens todo dia. Como isso às vezes esgota, você pode adiar os encontros e arranjar formas criativas de ajudá-lo a se sentir amado de longe. As demandas dele podem ser exaustivas, mas, em termos gerais, ele não é mal-intencionado. Na outra ponta do espectro está a manipulação mais patológica: pessoas que coagem alguém a se comportar de maneiras que sirvam aos interesses delas. Isso pode acontecer em amizades, mas penso como é particularmente perigoso quando se trata de relacionamentos amorosos. Relacionamentos em que as mulheres passam por um inferno e chamam isso de amor... Ao contrário do que podem ter lhe sido ensinado na infância, a vulnerabilidade não o torna indigno de amor, mas suas defesas sim... Os agradadores podem ser muito irritantes em relacionamentos. Claro, às vezes pode ser bom estar com alguém que parece atencioso e generoso, flexível e modesto. Contudo, na maior parte do tempo, existe uma troca inconsciente sendo feita. Se você é o lado que recebe, deve aceitar os agrados do outro e tranquilizar a pessoa com a garantia de que ela é corretamente altruísta, deve elogiá-la pela subserviência e ser grato por tanta dedicação... Se um agradador conseguir ser honesto consigo mesmo, vai reconhecer que não faz isso pelo outro, mas sim para remediar a própria insegurança. No fundo, é uma atitude egoísta enfeitada com um laço altruísta, e é garantia de acabar irritando as pessoas. Tentar agradar a todos, na verdade, não agrada a ninguém, e perceber isso pode nos ajudar a nos permitir parar de agir dessa maneira. Na melhor das hipóteses, isso pode ser irritante, e na pior é desrespeitoso e traiçoeiro quando agimos deixando o outro em uma posição que é confortável para nós... Para um agradador, não é comum prestar atenção nos próprios sentimentos. É seu papel prestar atenção nos sentimentos dos outros, fazer com que os outros sejam felizes e tratar a dor dos outros. Se você tiver sorte, seus esforços de agradar serão recompensados pela reação positiva deles a você e, ao menos por um tempo, você pode se sentir aceitável graças a isso. Quando um agradador não consegue ser agradável o bastante ou passa por uma dificuldade ou necessidade própria, sua programação original de priorizar os outros o impede de pedir ajuda, o que pode resultar em ansiedade ou depressão... A depressão não é o mesmo que se sentir triste. Seria mais verdadeiro dizer que é não sentir nada. É o ato inconsciente de deprimir todos os sentimentos até restar um descampado plano e estéril onde antes havia alegria e motivação. A depressão costuma ser o resultado da supressão inconsciente do luto, da raiva ou do medo, sentimentos que poderiam ameaçar derrubar o agradador se ele lhes dedicasse total atenção. Sentimentos que arriscam deixá-lo incapaz de agir ou interagir como pensa que deveria, falhando assim em suas regras de agradador e tornando-o rejeitado por aqueles a quem deve agradar... Aceitar ou elogiar todos os comportamentos de um agradador vai reforçar que é isso que você espera da pessoa, mesmo quando não é isso o que você quer, e vai levá-la a manter uma pose que ela acredita ser fundamental para a relação..."

[Chloe · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 - kinda boring, kinda useful

[Nikita ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brilliant book for those who know they have a tendency to be "people-pleasers" as it explains the reasoning behind it and how to put yourself first in life and still be happy.