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My Mother, Munchausen's and Me: A true story of betrayal and a shocking family secret
There was a time when I loved my mother. It’s shocking to imply that I stopped loving my mum because mothers always love their children and always do their best for them. Mothers are supposed to be good. But my mother wasn’t good.
Ten years ago, Helen Naylor discovered her mother, Elinor, had been faking debilitating illnesses for thirty years. After Elinor’s self-induced death, Helen found her diaries, which Elinor wrote daily for over fifty years. The diaries reveal not only the inner workings of Elinor’s twisted mind and self-delusion, but also shocking revelations about Helen’s childhood.
Everything Helen knew about herself and her upbringing was founded on a lie. The unexplained accidents and days spent entirely on her own as a little girl, imagining herself climbing into the loft and disappearing into a different world, tell a story of neglect. As a teenager, her mother’s advice to Helen on her body and mental health speaks of dangerous manipulation.
With Elinor’s behaviour becoming increasingly destructive, and Helen now herself a mother, she was left with a stark choice: to collude with Elinor’s lies or be accused of abandoning her.
My Mother, Munchausen’s and Me is a heart-breaking, honest and brave account of a daughter unravelling the truth about her mother and herself. It’s a story of a stolen childhood, mental illness, and the redemptive power of breaking a complex and toxic bond.
Ten years ago, Helen Naylor discovered her mother, Elinor, had been faking debilitating illnesses for thirty years. After Elinor’s self-induced death, Helen found her diaries, which Elinor wrote daily for over fifty years. The diaries reveal not only the inner workings of Elinor’s twisted mind and self-delusion, but also shocking revelations about Helen’s childhood.
Everything Helen knew about herself and her upbringing was founded on a lie. The unexplained accidents and days spent entirely on her own as a little girl, imagining herself climbing into the loft and disappearing into a different world, tell a story of neglect. As a teenager, her mother’s advice to Helen on her body and mental health speaks of dangerous manipulation.
With Elinor’s behaviour becoming increasingly destructive, and Helen now herself a mother, she was left with a stark choice: to collude with Elinor’s lies or be accused of abandoning her.
My Mother, Munchausen’s and Me is a heart-breaking, honest and brave account of a daughter unravelling the truth about her mother and herself. It’s a story of a stolen childhood, mental illness, and the redemptive power of breaking a complex and toxic bond.
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Published November 25, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 349 reviews
January 30, 2022
I want to start my review by warning people that there are many trigger warnings in this book, so please read this book and my review with care!
My Mother, Munchausen’s and Me is a memoir following Helen and her harrowing relationship with an abusive and narcissistic mother.
I was drawn to this book because of the title. I’m not a huge non-fiction fan but I do love reading memoirs about people who have lived through a unique experience. The insight memoirs like this can give is so so important. Being able to see the cracks in the system, the moments when they failed someone and caused great harm, allows us to try and stop it happening again. The only reason I did not give this 5 stars is because something was slightly lacking for me, although I cannot pinpoint what that is.
What really struck me was how cleverly this book was written. I felt like I followed Helen on her journey. At first I found myself doubting her story, maybe her mum really was just extremely unwell. But as the book went on my eyes opened alongside Helen’s. I was left with shivers/goosebumps running through me in the last couple of chapters as the sheer extent of the situation was discussed. Writing and publishing something like this takes so much strength. I applaud Helen for having the courage to share her story and her life with us. This will definitely be a book that stays with me.
I would recommend this to anyone with an interest in memoirs, although please be wary of possible triggers. I would like to thank Netgalley, the publishers and Helen Naylor for allowing me to read this book and give my personal thoughts.
My Mother, Munchausen’s and Me is a memoir following Helen and her harrowing relationship with an abusive and narcissistic mother.
I was drawn to this book because of the title. I’m not a huge non-fiction fan but I do love reading memoirs about people who have lived through a unique experience. The insight memoirs like this can give is so so important. Being able to see the cracks in the system, the moments when they failed someone and caused great harm, allows us to try and stop it happening again. The only reason I did not give this 5 stars is because something was slightly lacking for me, although I cannot pinpoint what that is.
What really struck me was how cleverly this book was written. I felt like I followed Helen on her journey. At first I found myself doubting her story, maybe her mum really was just extremely unwell. But as the book went on my eyes opened alongside Helen’s. I was left with shivers/goosebumps running through me in the last couple of chapters as the sheer extent of the situation was discussed. Writing and publishing something like this takes so much strength. I applaud Helen for having the courage to share her story and her life with us. This will definitely be a book that stays with me.
I would recommend this to anyone with an interest in memoirs, although please be wary of possible triggers. I would like to thank Netgalley, the publishers and Helen Naylor for allowing me to read this book and give my personal thoughts.
November 12, 2021
The author's story of growing up with a mentally ill mother was nothing short of heartbreaking. Helen's mother, Elinor, faked illnesses all her life just to revel in the sympathy people showed her. She was incapable of caring for any other person, even her husband or daughter. Helen tells her story interspersed with entries from her mother's journals showing the depth of her deception.
The author grew up doing all the household chores because her mother was always "too ill." Because she truly believed her mother was ill, the author happily cared for the house and her mother, always trying to gain her mother's favor. Her efforts were fruitless. Her mother took every opportunity to belittle her and her father just watched it happen. Helen was left alone as an infant and toddler and stayed home from school often when her mother was "too ill" to take her.
All of this kept up into Helen's adulthood where she was expected to be a caretaker to her mother after the death of her father. When Helen married and started a family of her own, her mother's behavior became too much to ignore. What followed was Helen's journey to exert her own strength and find the courage to end the cycle of manipulation she had been a victim of all her life.
I was at times horrified, angry, sad, and hopeful while reading this amazing story.
The author grew up doing all the household chores because her mother was always "too ill." Because she truly believed her mother was ill, the author happily cared for the house and her mother, always trying to gain her mother's favor. Her efforts were fruitless. Her mother took every opportunity to belittle her and her father just watched it happen. Helen was left alone as an infant and toddler and stayed home from school often when her mother was "too ill" to take her.
All of this kept up into Helen's adulthood where she was expected to be a caretaker to her mother after the death of her father. When Helen married and started a family of her own, her mother's behavior became too much to ignore. What followed was Helen's journey to exert her own strength and find the courage to end the cycle of manipulation she had been a victim of all her life.
I was at times horrified, angry, sad, and hopeful while reading this amazing story.
November 18, 2021
At times kinda hard to read yet equally harder to put down and not read
A fascinating and honest ( albeit one sided of course ) memoir of a daughters life with her Mother’s ( undiagnosed ) Munchausen’s ( a distinct difference to ‘by proxy’ but none the less all encompassing for everyone concerned )
I mean, got to be honest, the Mother, as portrayed is vile, totally heinous and manipulative and cruel and yet a daughters love, albeit pushed every which way, is still there and still battles for acceptance
At times the descriptions of the Mum made me think ‘how could this happen? Why did no one step in?’ But as we all know people tend not to although if this had happened nowadays maybe they would as people are more aware and more likely to
Its a grim story, and at times because of the subject matter repetitive but it held my attention all the way through, the inclusion of the Mother’s diary entries are as fascinating as chilling
A terrible child’s/young adult’s and then older life with her own children to have had with this Mother and I feel this book is equally written for herself,the survivor,and how she can move on as much as it is for us the reader….
8/10
4 Stars
A fascinating and honest ( albeit one sided of course ) memoir of a daughters life with her Mother’s ( undiagnosed ) Munchausen’s ( a distinct difference to ‘by proxy’ but none the less all encompassing for everyone concerned )
I mean, got to be honest, the Mother, as portrayed is vile, totally heinous and manipulative and cruel and yet a daughters love, albeit pushed every which way, is still there and still battles for acceptance
At times the descriptions of the Mum made me think ‘how could this happen? Why did no one step in?’ But as we all know people tend not to although if this had happened nowadays maybe they would as people are more aware and more likely to
Its a grim story, and at times because of the subject matter repetitive but it held my attention all the way through, the inclusion of the Mother’s diary entries are as fascinating as chilling
A terrible child’s/young adult’s and then older life with her own children to have had with this Mother and I feel this book is equally written for herself,the survivor,and how she can move on as much as it is for us the reader….
8/10
4 Stars
October 9, 2021
This nonfiction memoir was the authors true account of her childhood. She had a turbulent relationship with her mother who was often cruel to a fault.
I thought it was ok. It seemed to lack the depth I was looking for. And I never understood what exactly the family secret was. I wanted I don’t know…. Something more substantial.
I chose to listen to this book on audio and the author narrated this and did a good job.
Thanks Thread Books via Netgalley.
I thought it was ok. It seemed to lack the depth I was looking for. And I never understood what exactly the family secret was. I wanted I don’t know…. Something more substantial.
I chose to listen to this book on audio and the author narrated this and did a good job.
Thanks Thread Books via Netgalley.
August 14, 2021
This was quite a biography involving Munchausen’s. I was curious about it after seeing a rather famous case of Munchausen’s by proxy on TV a couple of times about a girl named Gypsy Rose Blanchard who killed her mother. This book is about regular Munchausen’s in the author’s mother Elinor, who made her childhood so difficult while pretending a disabling illness. As the story progresses, it’s fascinating to see how the mother devolves as the daughter grows up and has children of her own. It just becomes shocking and sad the lengths Elinor goes to in order to keep the attention on herself and her supposed illness. The author shares what it was like to go through the experience and how it affected her. Advance electronic review copy was provided by NetGalley, author Helen Naylor, and the publisher.
November 29, 2021
I listened to My mother, Munchausens and me courtesy of Bookouture Audio and NetGalley, it was narrated by the author Helen Naylor.
I will preface my review by saying I do believe one can only truly know how things affect a person if one is the person.
As I was going through the book my persisting thought was ‘Me, me, me’. I felt the book was too descriptive and to me some parts just spoke of pettiness.
So what if the author’s mother wasn’t as trendy as some of the other mother’s.
I didn’t find myself having too much sympathy for the mother or the daughter.
I’m approx 20 years older than the author so maybe that skews my perception of her woes.
August 1, 2021
I am drawn toward books about bad mothers because it fascinates me how much, as a society, and personally, of the women who give birth to us.
Helen's mother became ill with ME at the same time that her father was suffering from a severe heart complaint as well as spending every afternoon in the local bar! But he isn't the one we are judging here. Helen was just seven years old, an only child with no=one to share the burden with.
During her childhood Helen learnt to tiptoe about during her mother's afternoon naps. She sat on the side-lines while her mother described the extreme fatigue she suffered with to friends and family, all without questioning. Why would she, she was a child.
Unfortunately Helen was already pregnant with her first child when a new diagnosis followed, Parkinson's. It was from here on in that things truly take a turn for the bizarre as her mother manufactures symptoms and demands support against evidence to the contrary.
The problem with books like this is that in order to explain just how bad her mother was Helen has to take the role of the perpetual victim which in turn makes the reading sound self-pitying. This is shored up with outrage on every page about how nurturing all others are (backed up by her own perfect examples) made me sympathise less, rather than more. This sounds cruel, it isn't meant to be and nor is it that I don't believe Helen, I believe she felt a massive betrayal and that she suffered as many youngsters do with narcissistic mothers but the one-sided picture, the diaries not really proving the point in the way Helen believes simply because she is reading them with the emotions of the time, we are not. I also feel if she had realised who and what her mother was at a younger age, she would have actually coped better with the realisation.
For all that, I would say that the last chapters in this book were far more convincing because they gave an external view of her mother and it was this aspect that the rest of the book missed.
An interesting view of one woman's mother.
Helen's mother became ill with ME at the same time that her father was suffering from a severe heart complaint as well as spending every afternoon in the local bar! But he isn't the one we are judging here. Helen was just seven years old, an only child with no=one to share the burden with.
During her childhood Helen learnt to tiptoe about during her mother's afternoon naps. She sat on the side-lines while her mother described the extreme fatigue she suffered with to friends and family, all without questioning. Why would she, she was a child.
Unfortunately Helen was already pregnant with her first child when a new diagnosis followed, Parkinson's. It was from here on in that things truly take a turn for the bizarre as her mother manufactures symptoms and demands support against evidence to the contrary.
The problem with books like this is that in order to explain just how bad her mother was Helen has to take the role of the perpetual victim which in turn makes the reading sound self-pitying. This is shored up with outrage on every page about how nurturing all others are (backed up by her own perfect examples) made me sympathise less, rather than more. This sounds cruel, it isn't meant to be and nor is it that I don't believe Helen, I believe she felt a massive betrayal and that she suffered as many youngsters do with narcissistic mothers but the one-sided picture, the diaries not really proving the point in the way Helen believes simply because she is reading them with the emotions of the time, we are not. I also feel if she had realised who and what her mother was at a younger age, she would have actually coped better with the realisation.
For all that, I would say that the last chapters in this book were far more convincing because they gave an external view of her mother and it was this aspect that the rest of the book missed.
An interesting view of one woman's mother.
October 24, 2022
My heart breaks for Helen. I had initially thought this was a munchausen by-proxy situation. That's what I associate the word with, but this was munchausen by self lol maybe even more bizarre, if that's even possible.
As someone with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, people like this piss me off as it causes us not be believed. So while this was a terrible lie, people out there do suffer from "ME" (we usually call it CFS in the US), it's a real thing and I guess the unpredictable symptoms could be easier to fake than the Parkinson's she ultimately decided to fake.
Very interesting story. Well written.
As someone with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, people like this piss me off as it causes us not be believed. So while this was a terrible lie, people out there do suffer from "ME" (we usually call it CFS in the US), it's a real thing and I guess the unpredictable symptoms could be easier to fake than the Parkinson's she ultimately decided to fake.
Very interesting story. Well written.
October 28, 2021
In many ways, this was a hard book to read (or, listen to, as would be more accurate), but in other ways, it wasn't. I'm very conflicted about this book. I understand that the writer's mother had a horrible disease and that it caused grief to her whole family, but... at the same time, I found the writer to be an unsympathetic "character."
I say "character" because this is a memoir, so she's actually a person, but still... She presented very few instances of anything in her childhood that would be considered abuse or neglect. I mean, yes, the mother was lazy and took advantage and put waaaaaaay too much of a burden on a child, but... I don't know.
I feel like the writer was trying to make her situation sound worse than it was. And she, herself, touches on this in the book, saying something similar - that she didn't feel right saying she was abused. However, it seems like that's how she wants you to view her - as an abused child with a horrible, dreadful childhood.
I didn't really hear that in this book. It didn't seem like things got bad with her mom until she (the author) was an adult. I don't know....
I finished this book days ago, and normally when I finish a Netgalley book, I come straight here to review it, but I'm just so... torn with this one.
I don't know if I liked it.
I don't know if I disliked it.
I don't know if I like the writer.
I don't know if I dislike the writer.
It's a confusing book - or at least, it left me confused in my feelings. However, that's not to say it was bad. It wasn't. It was an interesting read. I'd give it a solid three stars just for the chronicling of Munchausen's. I just don't know how I felt about the book.
I hate that writer lost her relationship to her mom. I hate that things took such a terrible turn for the worse as they both grew older. But I don't know how I feel about what I read. (I know; I've said that two dozen times already. I'm sorry.)
My advice to someone considering reading this would be do it. It's very interesting to read a firsthand account of this disease, and the pacing and narration style are such that the book doesn't drag or feel like a slow, boring lecture on a subject you're not interested in learning.
If you're specifically interested in the mind and psychological, mental, and emotional disorders, you'll especially appreciate this book.
So yes, even if I can't tell you how I feel about the book, I can tell you that I come down firmly on the side of giving it a chance before dismissing it. Any book that can leave me feeling so conflicted is worth a read in my opinion.
I say "character" because this is a memoir, so she's actually a person, but still... She presented very few instances of anything in her childhood that would be considered abuse or neglect. I mean, yes, the mother was lazy and took advantage and put waaaaaaay too much of a burden on a child, but... I don't know.
I feel like the writer was trying to make her situation sound worse than it was. And she, herself, touches on this in the book, saying something similar - that she didn't feel right saying she was abused. However, it seems like that's how she wants you to view her - as an abused child with a horrible, dreadful childhood.
I didn't really hear that in this book. It didn't seem like things got bad with her mom until she (the author) was an adult. I don't know....
I finished this book days ago, and normally when I finish a Netgalley book, I come straight here to review it, but I'm just so... torn with this one.
I don't know if I liked it.
I don't know if I disliked it.
I don't know if I like the writer.
I don't know if I dislike the writer.
It's a confusing book - or at least, it left me confused in my feelings. However, that's not to say it was bad. It wasn't. It was an interesting read. I'd give it a solid three stars just for the chronicling of Munchausen's. I just don't know how I felt about the book.
I hate that writer lost her relationship to her mom. I hate that things took such a terrible turn for the worse as they both grew older. But I don't know how I feel about what I read. (I know; I've said that two dozen times already. I'm sorry.)
My advice to someone considering reading this would be do it. It's very interesting to read a firsthand account of this disease, and the pacing and narration style are such that the book doesn't drag or feel like a slow, boring lecture on a subject you're not interested in learning.
If you're specifically interested in the mind and psychological, mental, and emotional disorders, you'll especially appreciate this book.
So yes, even if I can't tell you how I feel about the book, I can tell you that I come down firmly on the side of giving it a chance before dismissing it. Any book that can leave me feeling so conflicted is worth a read in my opinion.
January 20, 2022
drags on and on and on……
I managed approximately 90% of this book, slowly loosing the will to live. If you wish to read every move the writer has made in the past 20 years then this is the book for you. It drones on forever repeating the same things. What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t see her mums illness as just that, an illness. Perhaps not the one she made out she had but was ill none the less. It’s more about the writer and her perfect kids than her mother
I managed approximately 90% of this book, slowly loosing the will to live. If you wish to read every move the writer has made in the past 20 years then this is the book for you. It drones on forever repeating the same things. What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t see her mums illness as just that, an illness. Perhaps not the one she made out she had but was ill none the less. It’s more about the writer and her perfect kids than her mother
February 8, 2022
One of the worst, if not the worst memoirs I have ever read and to think I spend my hard-earned money on this cruel, nasty, whiny self-serving book -- I should have been paid by the author to read it. Everything about it is mean-spirited -- how she rejoices when she finds anyone who supports her views on her mother; her interpretations of completely innocuous entries in her mother' diary -- I had to reread the excerpts she quotes from the diary to try and understand what she was trying to read into the mother's straightforward comments. Honestly when I finished this book, I needed a shower -- it was that nasty and mean. Her acts of rebellion against her hated mom are laughable -- getting her ears pierced as a married adult woman in defiance of her mother who didn't believe in ear piercing or earrings and who by that time was living in assisted living or close to it -- you gotta laugh. What an idiot! She blames her mother for literally everything, finally concluding not only that she had Munchausen's disease (never confirmed by a doctor's diagnosis but only by a shrink the daughter was having coffee with and who had never met or spoken to the mother!) but also was abusive and that also included her seemingly sweet and loving father (presumably doing nothing to stop the mother in her alleged evil ways). In fact she admits being spoiled rotten as a kid, never having to do housework or chores and even that she holds against her parents. The author comes across as a horrible person, not seeing her mother in her last days, not interfering and actively trying to get the psychiatric help the mother desperately needs (she claims she tried but in my view she was too busy dissing the mom and trying to get validation from her own and her mom's friends to do any good). If anyone comes off looking "abused" in this book it's the mom! And the abuser, the daughter. Sorry to be so harsh but that is what it looks like to me, clearly not the intention of the author who thinks that her audience will be sympathetic to her. All I can say, lucky she didn't decide to write this horrific story while the mom was alive, but being the cowardly person she is maybe luck had no say in this. I wouldv've given a 0 star or minus rating but there is neither -- that's why she gets a one.
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February 4, 2022Two and a half stars. Frustrating account of a woman with a sad mental illness who never gets treatment and makes everyone in her life miserable too. Her daughter is the author and while she clearly suffered from the mother’s manipulative tactics, never did she herself seek any kind of treatment for her own anxiety. It was just hard to read essentially the same scenarios over and over again. And the subtitle mentions shocking betrayal but nowhere should a reader be shocked. There was no payoff to that claim.
October 27, 2021
I was super excited about this book from the title alone. I love being a voyeur into someone's personality disorder, the more obscure the better. Unfortunately, this book didn't rise to the level of excitement that I was hoping for. At no point was I dying to know what her mother was going to do next. This is a memoir of Helen, a woman whose mother was constantly ill and taking to her bed and seemed to revel in any attention her fragility garnered. I didn't understand really the significance of the excerpts from her mother's diaries, until the end of the book where Helen explains each entry. We hear about Helen's life from childhood to adulthood and it was just too burdened with small details that made it seem to drag on. Perhaps my issue was with the Helen herself, she put up with much more than I would have under the banner of "being a good daughter" and "she's my mom" especially when pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place.
I listened to the audio version of this book and the author narrated her own memoir and I thought did a very good job.
Many thanks to #NetGalley and ThreadBooks for allowing me to review an advanced copy of #MyMotherMunchausensandMe in exchange for an honest review.
I listened to the audio version of this book and the author narrated her own memoir and I thought did a very good job.
Many thanks to #NetGalley and ThreadBooks for allowing me to review an advanced copy of #MyMotherMunchausensandMe in exchange for an honest review.
October 29, 2021
This hits home for me and because of that this was a hard read. I almost felt like the book was my life. I am so fascinated how some people can lack empathy so much tha lying becomes 2nd nature to them. Mental illnesses are no joke and I wish we had more research and resources that help people like Helen's parents. I need to sit on my feelings for this book.
July 12, 2024
For those who have dealt with narcissistic mothers, this book rings true on many fronts. For those who haven't, you may shrug away Helen's concerns of how she was raised. However, this book shows an inside view of what it's like to be groomed by your mother, the closest bonding relationship we ever experience, and how this toxic co-dependency almost destroys the author.
I have a personal interest in child abuse/neglect as well as stories about narcissism found in parents (see my A Spell of Rowans for a fictionalized account of such a mother), because I have a family where I've experienced some of the things Helen has (in a lesser form) so I recognize the pattern: the egotistical, hysterical mother with the absent father.
Today, the armchair therapist might ask - why didn't Helen seek help? Or understand what was happening? Or do more? Break away? All of these questions are easy to ask in hindsight when you are not living it. There's a reason why people stay to long in toxic relationships and the sooner we start understanding that as a society, the better. Especially a mother-daughter relationship where if you did break away (or grey rock) society itself punishes you for being a bad daughter!
While I rank the story five stars, there are some flawed areas of the book where I think the author could have improved her case. For example, the first 1/4 of the book is about her childhood memories and they are told rather vaguely (as many memories are to us as adults).
If she had blended her mother's diary entries (as done near the end of the book), the reader would better understand what was happening.
Elinor's journal entries show a clear case of criminal abuse and neglect: using whiskey or antihistamines to make her child sleep (something we see in high profile cases of neglect, dare I say Casey Anthony?), the evidence of a unreported broken arms, the long periods of leaving a baby alone (under a year in age, left alone for 8 hours), all show a mother who has not bonded with her infant and who lacks essential parenting skills.
I would have also liked it if Helen had interviewed relatives and given their viewpoint at this earlier stage in the book. We are told that Elinor's parents (deceased at the time of the book) break with Helen over her childraising (lack of). Again, interviewing Helen's sister or getting accounts of teachers, or anyone who knew Helen and Elinor during those years, would have given us a better timeline and bolstered Helen's case.
It's no wonder that Helen attempted suicide as a teen. What is really shocking is the lack of investigation that happened when this became known. And this wasn't so long ago. This is another sign of an abuser and the gaslighting where something as dire as this is quickly downplayed and covered up, putting on a normal face to the world.
Not to beat a dead horse, but I would have appreciated Helen going back and getting her medical records or interviewing those teachers/counselors who knew her - but perhaps legally she couldn't or the records were so long ago, nothing was available? But it does show the darkness that exists under the "Happy Families"" face shown to the world - a classic model of an abusive family, where the children feel guilt and see themselves as the reason why the abuse happens.
The middle section of the book is about Helen breaking away to go to college, her father's death, her marriage, and the birth of her two kids. I think this area of the book is one that if you are not a mother/reader you won't fully understand. When you become a parent, suddenly you question how you were raised and it can lead to some spectacular insights as well a final break with toxic people because you go into protective mode for your own children.
It's this portion of the book where the toxic mother-daughter cycle play out of an abuser who isn't willing to let the victim go starts to be seen. Elinor, through her incessant phone calls, keeps playing Helen like a fish on a hook with the "I'm so sick, no one loves me" - "what can I do for you?" - "Nothing! You don't understand how sick I am!" goes on a repeat loop. Both are trapped in this cycle of reinforcing each other's dependency.
These continual phone calls, forcing Helen to pick up at any moment of the day when the whim strikes Elinor to call, as well as the mother telling tales about her daughter to her friends, is one I've experienced.
Helen starts to come off as a bit hysterical and whiny during this section but to me it is clear she is trapped. Stuck at home with very young children, trying to learn how to mother herself (without having a good role model) and surrounded by mommy play groups (that I can assure want to reinforce the idea that you CAN NEVER break from your mother - it just isn't done), puts her in a very conflicted space, which is expressed through angry outbursts.
On her own, she is struggling with how best to support her mother who is sucking every bit of oxygen out of the room, and her children. How I wish she had seen a competent therapist at any time during this journey, like I have.
What is telling is a scene where she and her family are out to dinner with her mother. As her mother starts a hysterical public scene, her son, Bailey, uses a crayon to black out the face of a cat in his coloring book. Yeah, children pick up on this stuff as young as 2.
By the time Elinor moves into the retirement home, I feel that her Munchausen's disease is now in control of her. What follows is some very disturbing scenes of full on manipulation that border on delusional. Considering she was abusing Parkinson's medication, it may well have been delusional!
Another area of the book I disliked is the chapter devoted to Elinor's friend giving a mental health diagnosis of her mother's condition. On the part of the friend, this is simply unethical. She never met Elinor, and she is not in a counseling relationship with Helen, so while it may have provided insight to Elinor, it is not one that I take much stock in as a validation of what her mother's issues were.
The most powerful revelations come at the end when Elinor finally has her mother's diaries in hand and starts putting the pieces of the puzzle together. This is the most powerful statement of her case of her mother's mental condition for not only does it show an early fascination with being ill gaining attention (just as Helen's mother did - and which should have been explored more as a family system), but also the neglectful actions of her mother in raising her (which makes a reader wonder if Elinor wasn't actively hoping that Helen would die as an infant).
As an armchair therapist myself, clearly her diary entries and what happens in the last half of the book shows someone using illness to gain the attention she craves - Munchausen seems to be a correct diagnosis, but I doubt it is the only one.
The fact Elinor cannot gain weight though people see her eating, seems to indicate an eating disorder and some type of body dismorphic disorder (Elinor insistence on being weighed, weighing her daughter, her constant talk about her slender, tall body type, slender hands/feet etc....). Controlling her food seems to be something Elinor would do.
Near the end of the book we also see Helen's house of cards come tumbling down. Her friends (except one fanatic) all desert her, having seen her dual personality. After her mother's death, Elinor is left with those who believe her mother's lies about her, and those who saw the darkness in her mother.
Overall, this book offers great insight into how an abuser grooms their victim and keeps them living in an alternate reality where gaslighting is the soup de jour. What I find very saddening though, is I don't feel the author has come to any peace about what her mother did and perhaps that won't ever happen. Mental illness robbed her of a mother who could have been.
I have a personal interest in child abuse/neglect as well as stories about narcissism found in parents (see my A Spell of Rowans for a fictionalized account of such a mother), because I have a family where I've experienced some of the things Helen has (in a lesser form) so I recognize the pattern: the egotistical, hysterical mother with the absent father.
Today, the armchair therapist might ask - why didn't Helen seek help? Or understand what was happening? Or do more? Break away? All of these questions are easy to ask in hindsight when you are not living it. There's a reason why people stay to long in toxic relationships and the sooner we start understanding that as a society, the better. Especially a mother-daughter relationship where if you did break away (or grey rock) society itself punishes you for being a bad daughter!
While I rank the story five stars, there are some flawed areas of the book where I think the author could have improved her case. For example, the first 1/4 of the book is about her childhood memories and they are told rather vaguely (as many memories are to us as adults).
If she had blended her mother's diary entries (as done near the end of the book), the reader would better understand what was happening.
Elinor's journal entries show a clear case of criminal abuse and neglect: using whiskey or antihistamines to make her child sleep (something we see in high profile cases of neglect, dare I say Casey Anthony?), the evidence of a unreported broken arms, the long periods of leaving a baby alone (under a year in age, left alone for 8 hours), all show a mother who has not bonded with her infant and who lacks essential parenting skills.
I would have also liked it if Helen had interviewed relatives and given their viewpoint at this earlier stage in the book. We are told that Elinor's parents (deceased at the time of the book) break with Helen over her childraising (lack of). Again, interviewing Helen's sister or getting accounts of teachers, or anyone who knew Helen and Elinor during those years, would have given us a better timeline and bolstered Helen's case.
It's no wonder that Helen attempted suicide as a teen. What is really shocking is the lack of investigation that happened when this became known. And this wasn't so long ago. This is another sign of an abuser and the gaslighting where something as dire as this is quickly downplayed and covered up, putting on a normal face to the world.
Not to beat a dead horse, but I would have appreciated Helen going back and getting her medical records or interviewing those teachers/counselors who knew her - but perhaps legally she couldn't or the records were so long ago, nothing was available? But it does show the darkness that exists under the "Happy Families"" face shown to the world - a classic model of an abusive family, where the children feel guilt and see themselves as the reason why the abuse happens.
The middle section of the book is about Helen breaking away to go to college, her father's death, her marriage, and the birth of her two kids. I think this area of the book is one that if you are not a mother/reader you won't fully understand. When you become a parent, suddenly you question how you were raised and it can lead to some spectacular insights as well a final break with toxic people because you go into protective mode for your own children.
It's this portion of the book where the toxic mother-daughter cycle play out of an abuser who isn't willing to let the victim go starts to be seen. Elinor, through her incessant phone calls, keeps playing Helen like a fish on a hook with the "I'm so sick, no one loves me" - "what can I do for you?" - "Nothing! You don't understand how sick I am!" goes on a repeat loop. Both are trapped in this cycle of reinforcing each other's dependency.
These continual phone calls, forcing Helen to pick up at any moment of the day when the whim strikes Elinor to call, as well as the mother telling tales about her daughter to her friends, is one I've experienced.
Helen starts to come off as a bit hysterical and whiny during this section but to me it is clear she is trapped. Stuck at home with very young children, trying to learn how to mother herself (without having a good role model) and surrounded by mommy play groups (that I can assure want to reinforce the idea that you CAN NEVER break from your mother - it just isn't done), puts her in a very conflicted space, which is expressed through angry outbursts.
On her own, she is struggling with how best to support her mother who is sucking every bit of oxygen out of the room, and her children. How I wish she had seen a competent therapist at any time during this journey, like I have.
What is telling is a scene where she and her family are out to dinner with her mother. As her mother starts a hysterical public scene, her son, Bailey, uses a crayon to black out the face of a cat in his coloring book. Yeah, children pick up on this stuff as young as 2.
By the time Elinor moves into the retirement home, I feel that her Munchausen's disease is now in control of her. What follows is some very disturbing scenes of full on manipulation that border on delusional. Considering she was abusing Parkinson's medication, it may well have been delusional!
Another area of the book I disliked is the chapter devoted to Elinor's friend giving a mental health diagnosis of her mother's condition. On the part of the friend, this is simply unethical. She never met Elinor, and she is not in a counseling relationship with Helen, so while it may have provided insight to Elinor, it is not one that I take much stock in as a validation of what her mother's issues were.
The most powerful revelations come at the end when Elinor finally has her mother's diaries in hand and starts putting the pieces of the puzzle together. This is the most powerful statement of her case of her mother's mental condition for not only does it show an early fascination with being ill gaining attention (just as Helen's mother did - and which should have been explored more as a family system), but also the neglectful actions of her mother in raising her (which makes a reader wonder if Elinor wasn't actively hoping that Helen would die as an infant).
As an armchair therapist myself, clearly her diary entries and what happens in the last half of the book shows someone using illness to gain the attention she craves - Munchausen seems to be a correct diagnosis, but I doubt it is the only one.
The fact Elinor cannot gain weight though people see her eating, seems to indicate an eating disorder and some type of body dismorphic disorder (Elinor insistence on being weighed, weighing her daughter, her constant talk about her slender, tall body type, slender hands/feet etc....). Controlling her food seems to be something Elinor would do.
Near the end of the book we also see Helen's house of cards come tumbling down. Her friends (except one fanatic) all desert her, having seen her dual personality. After her mother's death, Elinor is left with those who believe her mother's lies about her, and those who saw the darkness in her mother.
Overall, this book offers great insight into how an abuser grooms their victim and keeps them living in an alternate reality where gaslighting is the soup de jour. What I find very saddening though, is I don't feel the author has come to any peace about what her mother did and perhaps that won't ever happen. Mental illness robbed her of a mother who could have been.
November 25, 2021
While there are plenty of contemporary memoirs about narcissistic mothers, author Helen Naylor's mother, in this well-written story, also suffered from Munchausen syndrome. (That is not to be confused with Munchausen syndrome by proxy, which has always gotten a lot more media coverage.) During her entire childhood, her mother's daily activities were greatly limited due to chronic fatigue syndrome. Only, she miraculously was cured of it in later years after she was diagnosed with the onset of Parkinson’s disease. How? She never had chronic fatigue syndrome in the first place! Parkinson’s gave her a real illness to milk for attention and sympathy.
Like many firstborn or only daughters of a narcissist, Ms. Naylor was the main target of her mother’s self-hatred. This led to depression and some self-destructive behavior. Yet the author clung to the belief, well into adulthood, that her mother must love her and want the best for her, even though she obviously did not. It’s like if she stopped believing this, she would self-destruct or something. It’s only in her 30s, after she had married and had two children, that Helen Naylor realized her mother was really only thinking of herself at all times, and always had been.
This realization helped her to end visits to her mother, as so often happens in such cases. The daughter of a narcissist often has no other option if she wants to end the emotional abuse. But this realization also sends Ms. Naylor into the extreme opposite direction—her mother was obviously a very BAD person. She was so GUILTY. This is where the memoir turns into a mommy bashing one, and there are already way too many mommy bashing memoirs out there. Towards the end of the story, Ms. Naylor even brings up various passages in her mother’s journals that show what a poor, victimized child she was, and what a horrible abusive mother she had.
In other words, the author comes across as terribly self-pitying there, which is certainly not rare in books written about narcissistic mothers. The purpose of that is what? Seriously, this is not to ignore the author’s painful and confusing childhood, or to justify lying by a mentally ill person. Yet Ms. Naylor herself was clinging to a lie for too long—that her mother loved her and wanted what was best for her. If she had been more insightful about that matter earlier on in her life, such as during adolescence or during university, all the drama and trauma wouldn’t have gone on for so long. Dramas often go on because someone else is playing a role in them or providing an audience for them.
This is not to make the author out to be guilty here, especially since she had been fed guilt by the bucketloads since she was a young child, but to point out it’s too easy to say mommy was bad, mommy was a mental case, mommy was to blame for all my unhappiness in life. Mothers are humans like everyone else, and their parenting skills can range from very good to very bad. They are not unconditionally loving saints, as societies and religions have tried to make them out to be since the beginning of time; so they can be blamed for everything bad that happens, and blamed for the sins and unhappiness of everyone else, particularly men and children. It’s how you treat others in your lifetime that is most important, not how others treat you, including how your mother treated you.
(Note: I received a free e-ARC of this book from NetGalley and the author or publisher.)
Like many firstborn or only daughters of a narcissist, Ms. Naylor was the main target of her mother’s self-hatred. This led to depression and some self-destructive behavior. Yet the author clung to the belief, well into adulthood, that her mother must love her and want the best for her, even though she obviously did not. It’s like if she stopped believing this, she would self-destruct or something. It’s only in her 30s, after she had married and had two children, that Helen Naylor realized her mother was really only thinking of herself at all times, and always had been.
This realization helped her to end visits to her mother, as so often happens in such cases. The daughter of a narcissist often has no other option if she wants to end the emotional abuse. But this realization also sends Ms. Naylor into the extreme opposite direction—her mother was obviously a very BAD person. She was so GUILTY. This is where the memoir turns into a mommy bashing one, and there are already way too many mommy bashing memoirs out there. Towards the end of the story, Ms. Naylor even brings up various passages in her mother’s journals that show what a poor, victimized child she was, and what a horrible abusive mother she had.
In other words, the author comes across as terribly self-pitying there, which is certainly not rare in books written about narcissistic mothers. The purpose of that is what? Seriously, this is not to ignore the author’s painful and confusing childhood, or to justify lying by a mentally ill person. Yet Ms. Naylor herself was clinging to a lie for too long—that her mother loved her and wanted what was best for her. If she had been more insightful about that matter earlier on in her life, such as during adolescence or during university, all the drama and trauma wouldn’t have gone on for so long. Dramas often go on because someone else is playing a role in them or providing an audience for them.
This is not to make the author out to be guilty here, especially since she had been fed guilt by the bucketloads since she was a young child, but to point out it’s too easy to say mommy was bad, mommy was a mental case, mommy was to blame for all my unhappiness in life. Mothers are humans like everyone else, and their parenting skills can range from very good to very bad. They are not unconditionally loving saints, as societies and religions have tried to make them out to be since the beginning of time; so they can be blamed for everything bad that happens, and blamed for the sins and unhappiness of everyone else, particularly men and children. It’s how you treat others in your lifetime that is most important, not how others treat you, including how your mother treated you.
(Note: I received a free e-ARC of this book from NetGalley and the author or publisher.)
November 30, 2021
3.5 stars
An interesting read. I learned a lot about Munchausen I did not know before. I still can’t get over how narcissistic this was mother was!
My only issue was that I found the narrative repetitive but this was likely a result of the mothers MO always being the same. Also, I don’t believe the diary entries that were included added anything to the overall story.
Thank you to Netgalley and Thread Books for allowing me to review this arc.
An interesting read. I learned a lot about Munchausen I did not know before. I still can’t get over how narcissistic this was mother was!
My only issue was that I found the narrative repetitive but this was likely a result of the mothers MO always being the same. Also, I don’t believe the diary entries that were included added anything to the overall story.
Thank you to Netgalley and Thread Books for allowing me to review this arc.
September 15, 2021
I was really excited to get this book as an advanced reader copy because I love to learn from people coping with family members that have personality disorders. Both my brother and his wife have personality disorders and she has Munchausen’s Syndrome and has attempted MBP. With all that said, I didn’t really enjoy this one for a number of reasons.
What Helen endured was absolutely horrific. That is indisputable. Her mom’s behavior was exhausting and over the top even to me, the reader. I agree with other reviews that say Helen began to come off as too self pitying at times.
As time went on and as Helen matured, I expected her to set firm boundaries but that never happened. The loyalty she felt to her mom eclipsed her relationship with her children and husband. Helen was clearly the victim of gaslighting not only by her mother but by her mom’s friends and her own as well. That certainly prolonged the abuse she endured.
Elinor’s journal entries didn’t work for me. There weren’t enough to get a full picture. There either needed to be more or none at all.
The moral of this story for me is that the culture of unwavering family loyalty can be toxic. We should only feel loyalty to those who make us feel safe and valued.
This book has just about every trigger warning imaginable: child abuse and neglect, body dysmorphia, disordered eating with specific weights mentioned, self harm, attempted suicide, miscarriage, gaslighting, racial slurs
What Helen endured was absolutely horrific. That is indisputable. Her mom’s behavior was exhausting and over the top even to me, the reader. I agree with other reviews that say Helen began to come off as too self pitying at times.
As time went on and as Helen matured, I expected her to set firm boundaries but that never happened. The loyalty she felt to her mom eclipsed her relationship with her children and husband. Helen was clearly the victim of gaslighting not only by her mother but by her mom’s friends and her own as well. That certainly prolonged the abuse she endured.
Elinor’s journal entries didn’t work for me. There weren’t enough to get a full picture. There either needed to be more or none at all.
The moral of this story for me is that the culture of unwavering family loyalty can be toxic. We should only feel loyalty to those who make us feel safe and valued.
This book has just about every trigger warning imaginable: child abuse and neglect, body dysmorphia, disordered eating with specific weights mentioned, self harm, attempted suicide, miscarriage, gaslighting, racial slurs
November 5, 2021
Going into this book, I knew about Munchausen's [and MbP, though I know more about this], but in a much more technical way, clinical, from reading medical texts about it and the such. This book brings in the personal side of it and it is absolutely devastating. Helen suffers such neglect and abuse at the hands of her narcissistic mother [and an passive, largely absent father {who suffers from a real illness that also consumes the family and who in turn is often neglected by his wife because she is so wrapped up in being "sick" she cannot deal with him}, who, in my opinion is complicit in the abuse of Helen over the years] that it is a real wonder that she turned out as well as she did. She is really amazing and I think having such a normal relationship as she does with her husband Peter helped her, especially when they had children - being with him showed her what normal really was like and helped her really question all of the things her mother was inventing over and over. Narcissism is difficult enough, but when you add the Munchausen's [and Dr.'s willing to play into that], it becomes nearly impossible to be with that person. I admire Helen so much in that she stayed around her mother much longer than I would have been able to do, even when she confirms her mother is lying about what is going on. I admire that she stands up for her own children [so they don't see or hear their grandmother go off about all her "complaints"] and I REALLY admire her for walking away [even while working to try and get her the best care possible]. Walking away from toxic people is one of the hardest things you can ever do and the fact that she is able to and then to come to grips with her own life and the past and move forward is amazing. The last few chapters where she recounts her mother's diaries and what they reveal is some of the most heartbreaking things I have ever heard - I cannot even. Absolutely blew my mind.
This book hit really close to home for me - I grew up with an extremely narcissistic father [who I no longer have contact with] and that part of Helen and her mother's relationship was very familiar to me. I too was an "unwanted" child, who ruined his life and he never failed to remind me of that [especially after he had been drinking]. Reading how Helen's mother would treat her and the things she would say to her brought back unwanted memories and I cried right along with the author as she tried to navigate the waters of her teen years with a mother who cared little for her.
Unfortunately, as I was reading this, my relationship with my ex came into play and so many things that happened while I was married to him has made me question if he too had Munchausen's [he is absolutely a narcissistic sociopath, so what's one more thing right?] and a lot of things that happened in my marriage started making more sense to me and to be honest, just made me sad all over again. These are new revelations to me and I know I will need some time to processes them and figure out how to deal with all the emotions that reading this book brought forth. I know my heart hurts [for Helen, for myself and for all the people who's lives are affected by narcissism and Munchausen's as well as abuse and neglect] and I have cried buckets of tears - for all of us who have suffered at the hands of parents and caregivers and spouses. I can only hope that they too find the help and peace that Helen has and are able to move forward [and break the cycle]. I can only hope.
Thank you to NetGalley, Helen Naylor, and Thread books for providing this ARC and Audiobook ARC in exchange for an honest review.
**I was also given an audiobook ARC of this book, read by the author and it was really good. She does a good job at telling the story and there were moments where you can just hear the sadness and pain and frustration and all of the emotions that come with having a parent like that and it makes you just cry along with her. So well done!!
This book hit really close to home for me - I grew up with an extremely narcissistic father [who I no longer have contact with] and that part of Helen and her mother's relationship was very familiar to me. I too was an "unwanted" child, who ruined his life and he never failed to remind me of that [especially after he had been drinking]. Reading how Helen's mother would treat her and the things she would say to her brought back unwanted memories and I cried right along with the author as she tried to navigate the waters of her teen years with a mother who cared little for her.
Unfortunately, as I was reading this, my relationship with my ex came into play and so many things that happened while I was married to him has made me question if he too had Munchausen's [he is absolutely a narcissistic sociopath, so what's one more thing right?] and a lot of things that happened in my marriage started making more sense to me and to be honest, just made me sad all over again. These are new revelations to me and I know I will need some time to processes them and figure out how to deal with all the emotions that reading this book brought forth. I know my heart hurts [for Helen, for myself and for all the people who's lives are affected by narcissism and Munchausen's as well as abuse and neglect] and I have cried buckets of tears - for all of us who have suffered at the hands of parents and caregivers and spouses. I can only hope that they too find the help and peace that Helen has and are able to move forward [and break the cycle]. I can only hope.
Thank you to NetGalley, Helen Naylor, and Thread books for providing this ARC and Audiobook ARC in exchange for an honest review.
**I was also given an audiobook ARC of this book, read by the author and it was really good. She does a good job at telling the story and there were moments where you can just hear the sadness and pain and frustration and all of the emotions that come with having a parent like that and it makes you just cry along with her. So well done!!
March 26, 2022
Really well told and incredibly informative and interesting. We don’t get many accounts like this of a sibling writing about their parent having Munchausen’s and how it affects them, so I’m really glad I read it. And sorry for the poor woman who spent a good portion of her life feeling guilty for being alive itself because of her narcissistic and abusive mother.
October 11, 2021
It never fails to shock me how narcissistic people can be, but this woman takes things to a whole other level. This is the authors account of a turbulent childhood with a mother who was critical and mean for no apparent reason. As an adult, her mother made life difficult in all new ways, typically drawing away any attention that isn’t on her over to her, even the birth of her grandchildren were not enough to compete with her mothers non-illnesses that she creates in her head. It boggles me as well how long she was able to trick doctors and other health care workin order to get the medical care and attention that she sought. Her daughter eventually tired of her and kept away for over a year before she finally died and her mothers friends finally admitted that they knew her mother dramatized her problems. In finally burying her mother, she is able to set her life free
I had hoped for a more in depth look where this kind of stayed on the surface but it was an interesting look at this disease of the mind.
I did enjoy the narration, I’m not sure if it was the author herself, but I’m assuming it was and she definitely showed the necessary emotions that would go with this situation.
Thanks to Thread Books and Netgalley for this Arc in exchange for my review.
I had hoped for a more in depth look where this kind of stayed on the surface but it was an interesting look at this disease of the mind.
I did enjoy the narration, I’m not sure if it was the author herself, but I’m assuming it was and she definitely showed the necessary emotions that would go with this situation.
Thanks to Thread Books and Netgalley for this Arc in exchange for my review.
December 5, 2021
This was a very interesting look into what it is like to live with a mother with Munchausen’s syndrome.
This book was definitely difficult to read at times. The abuse Helen suffered as a child was horrific but what really got me was some of the comments her mother made when she had children of her own. They were unthinkable.
This book was also very sad. Its sad to read how much of Helen’s life was dominated by this illness and how different her life could have been if her mum got the actual help she needed instead of medical professionals endorsing her fantasies.
This is a well written and engaging book. The diary entry extracts help solidify the points Helen was making in this book.
There was a good amount of detail from different points in her life, e.g memories from being a teenager right up to life after her mothers passing.
This was a really interesting, eye opening and informative book. It's not the easiest read regarding the subject matter but I'm glad Helen felt able to tell her story.
TW: Child abuse, mental illness, alcoholism self harm and suicide references
This book was definitely difficult to read at times. The abuse Helen suffered as a child was horrific but what really got me was some of the comments her mother made when she had children of her own. They were unthinkable.
This book was also very sad. Its sad to read how much of Helen’s life was dominated by this illness and how different her life could have been if her mum got the actual help she needed instead of medical professionals endorsing her fantasies.
This is a well written and engaging book. The diary entry extracts help solidify the points Helen was making in this book.
There was a good amount of detail from different points in her life, e.g memories from being a teenager right up to life after her mothers passing.
This was a really interesting, eye opening and informative book. It's not the easiest read regarding the subject matter but I'm glad Helen felt able to tell her story.
TW: Child abuse, mental illness, alcoholism self harm and suicide references
December 2, 2021
A fascinating portrayal of a difficult mother/daughter relationship.
Some difficult scenes but an interesting read and really show the resilience of the writer.
Surprising, detailed, at times heart breaking.
Some difficult scenes but an interesting read and really show the resilience of the writer.
Surprising, detailed, at times heart breaking.
March 1, 2022
Much ado. I’m not sure why I bought this book. I didn’t like it. I thought the author had as much a psychological disorder as her mother. I didn’t think her treatment sank to the level of abuse.
December 22, 2022
Time taken to read - 1 day
Pages - 276
Publisher - Thread
Source - Bought
Blurb from Goodreads
There was a time when I loved my mother. It’s shocking to imply that I stopped loving my mum because mothers always love their children and always do their best for them. Mothers are supposed to be good. But my mother wasn’t good.
Ten years ago, Helen Naylor discovered her mother, Elinor, had been faking debilitating illnesses for thirty years. After Elinor’s self-induced death, Helen found her diaries, which Elinor wrote daily for over fifty years. The diaries reveal not only the inner workings of Elinor’s twisted mind and self-delusion, but also shocking revelations about Helen’s childhood.
Everything Helen knew about herself and her upbringing was founded on a lie. The unexplained accidents and days spent entirely on her own as a little girl, imagining herself climbing into the loft and disappearing into a different world, tell a story of neglect. As a teenager, her mother’s advice to Helen on her body and mental health speaks of dangerous manipulation.
With Elinor’s behaviour becoming increasingly destructive, and Helen now herself a mother, she was left with a stark choice: to collude with Elinor’s lies or be accused of abandoning her.
My Mother, Munchausen’s and Me is a heart-breaking, honest and brave account of a daughter unravelling the truth about her mother and herself. It’s a story of a stolen childhood, mental illness, and the redemptive power of breaking a complex and toxic bond.
My Review
The blurb says the author found her mums diaries after she passed and that they were estranged after finding out her mum had been faking illness for thirty years. I thought the book was gong to be largely diary entries, this isn't the case. The book is us following Helen through her life, going from memories, growing up, things she endured with her mother first hand. Before she knew she was faking and what happened after, the diaries we get small snippets sometimes at the ends of some of the chapters so if diary format puts you off you don't have to worry as that isn't how the book is written.
Munchausen's is such a horrific condition and I so wanted to hug the author because there is so so many parts to the abuse she endured. Not just the things her mother did, some of the emotional abuse was horrific and had long lasting reach even after the author became a mum herself. It is very difficult for some people to get their heads around to the point some refused to believe it and held a lot of anger towards the author.
The book gives a raw emotive insight into the lengths someone with Munchausen's will go, the absolute tragedy of it and the negative impacts it has on those closet to them. This is by no means an easy read because the content is so difficult to absorb that someone would do that to themselves and their loved ones to achieve their goals. Heart-breaking, emotive, shocking, brutal and not for the faint hearted, that said I think everyone should absolutely read this, it isn't one we hear about as often as other conditions and yet the devastation it causes is just mind blowing, 4.5/5 for me.
Pages - 276
Publisher - Thread
Source - Bought
Blurb from Goodreads
There was a time when I loved my mother. It’s shocking to imply that I stopped loving my mum because mothers always love their children and always do their best for them. Mothers are supposed to be good. But my mother wasn’t good.
Ten years ago, Helen Naylor discovered her mother, Elinor, had been faking debilitating illnesses for thirty years. After Elinor’s self-induced death, Helen found her diaries, which Elinor wrote daily for over fifty years. The diaries reveal not only the inner workings of Elinor’s twisted mind and self-delusion, but also shocking revelations about Helen’s childhood.
Everything Helen knew about herself and her upbringing was founded on a lie. The unexplained accidents and days spent entirely on her own as a little girl, imagining herself climbing into the loft and disappearing into a different world, tell a story of neglect. As a teenager, her mother’s advice to Helen on her body and mental health speaks of dangerous manipulation.
With Elinor’s behaviour becoming increasingly destructive, and Helen now herself a mother, she was left with a stark choice: to collude with Elinor’s lies or be accused of abandoning her.
My Mother, Munchausen’s and Me is a heart-breaking, honest and brave account of a daughter unravelling the truth about her mother and herself. It’s a story of a stolen childhood, mental illness, and the redemptive power of breaking a complex and toxic bond.
My Review
The blurb says the author found her mums diaries after she passed and that they were estranged after finding out her mum had been faking illness for thirty years. I thought the book was gong to be largely diary entries, this isn't the case. The book is us following Helen through her life, going from memories, growing up, things she endured with her mother first hand. Before she knew she was faking and what happened after, the diaries we get small snippets sometimes at the ends of some of the chapters so if diary format puts you off you don't have to worry as that isn't how the book is written.
Munchausen's is such a horrific condition and I so wanted to hug the author because there is so so many parts to the abuse she endured. Not just the things her mother did, some of the emotional abuse was horrific and had long lasting reach even after the author became a mum herself. It is very difficult for some people to get their heads around to the point some refused to believe it and held a lot of anger towards the author.
The book gives a raw emotive insight into the lengths someone with Munchausen's will go, the absolute tragedy of it and the negative impacts it has on those closet to them. This is by no means an easy read because the content is so difficult to absorb that someone would do that to themselves and their loved ones to achieve their goals. Heart-breaking, emotive, shocking, brutal and not for the faint hearted, that said I think everyone should absolutely read this, it isn't one we hear about as often as other conditions and yet the devastation it causes is just mind blowing, 4.5/5 for me.
November 9, 2021
*****SPOILERS*****
TW: Suicide, gaslighting, toxic parent/child relationship, abuse, cutting, fat shaming, eating disorders, depression, miscarriages
About the book:There was a time when I loved my mother. It’s shocking to imply that I stopped loving my mum because mothers always love their children and always do their best for them. Mothers are supposed to be good. But my mother wasn’t good.Ten years ago, Helen Naylor discovered her mother, Elinor, had been faking debilitating illnesses for thirty years. After Elinor’s self-induced death, Helen found her diaries, which Elinor wrote daily for over fifty years. The diaries reveal not only the inner workings of Elinor’s twisted mind and self-delusion, but also shocking revelations about Helen’s childhood.
Release Date: November 25th, 2021
Genre: Memoir
Pages: 276
Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐
What I Liked:
• Her telling her story
• Being as honest as she can be at this time in her life
What I Didn't Like:
• This book felt longer than it was
• The narration
• It felt like it held back
Overall Thoughts: I listened to the audiobook of this and omg it drove me up the wall. I don't know how many people are listening to this book with headphones on, but you can hear everytime the author/narrator licks her lips. I tried to ignore it but it's right there every 30 seconds.
The mom is just terrible. She lived to remind her daughter that she is fat, stupid, would be a terrible mother, weak, and so much more. I can't even imagine having a mother like that and it breaks my heart.
I had a friend that had Munchausen's syndrome. She would borrow crutches and say she broke her foot and kept it up for weeks. I once was in the hospital for a kidney infection and she showed up and tried to convince everyone she had a kidney infection so bad that maybe she should admit herself too. Its exhausting to be around someone like that. Plus she also had narcissistic behavior just like the mom in this book. If someone beeped at us walking down the road it was never at me but at her because she was so beautiful.
I wanted to love this book but I just liked it. Not taking from the author or the pain she had to live through, but it just felt like she held back. Maybe it's because it's difficult for her to process everything so she just wanted to skin the basics of the trauma but I kept waiting for this moment that never came.
Final Thoughts: Definitely worth a listen if this subject manner is something you can handle. There are a lot of triggers in this one.
IG | Blog
TW: Suicide, gaslighting, toxic parent/child relationship, abuse, cutting, fat shaming, eating disorders, depression, miscarriages
About the book:There was a time when I loved my mother. It’s shocking to imply that I stopped loving my mum because mothers always love their children and always do their best for them. Mothers are supposed to be good. But my mother wasn’t good.Ten years ago, Helen Naylor discovered her mother, Elinor, had been faking debilitating illnesses for thirty years. After Elinor’s self-induced death, Helen found her diaries, which Elinor wrote daily for over fifty years. The diaries reveal not only the inner workings of Elinor’s twisted mind and self-delusion, but also shocking revelations about Helen’s childhood.
Release Date: November 25th, 2021
Genre: Memoir
Pages: 276
Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐
What I Liked:
• Her telling her story
• Being as honest as she can be at this time in her life
What I Didn't Like:
• This book felt longer than it was
• The narration
• It felt like it held back
Overall Thoughts: I listened to the audiobook of this and omg it drove me up the wall. I don't know how many people are listening to this book with headphones on, but you can hear everytime the author/narrator licks her lips. I tried to ignore it but it's right there every 30 seconds.
The mom is just terrible. She lived to remind her daughter that she is fat, stupid, would be a terrible mother, weak, and so much more. I can't even imagine having a mother like that and it breaks my heart.
I had a friend that had Munchausen's syndrome. She would borrow crutches and say she broke her foot and kept it up for weeks. I once was in the hospital for a kidney infection and she showed up and tried to convince everyone she had a kidney infection so bad that maybe she should admit herself too. Its exhausting to be around someone like that. Plus she also had narcissistic behavior just like the mom in this book. If someone beeped at us walking down the road it was never at me but at her because she was so beautiful.
I wanted to love this book but I just liked it. Not taking from the author or the pain she had to live through, but it just felt like she held back. Maybe it's because it's difficult for her to process everything so she just wanted to skin the basics of the trauma but I kept waiting for this moment that never came.
Final Thoughts: Definitely worth a listen if this subject manner is something you can handle. There are a lot of triggers in this one.
IG | Blog
April 12, 2022
I’d give this book 3 stars. I really appreciated that they spoke about her mothers NPD and her munchausens as a branch of this disorder as PDs are really complex in so many ways. Growing up and living with a mother who has NPD must’ve been traumatic difficult and confusing and *spoiler* it saddens me that Helen is still waiting to get follow up treatment to combat 30 years of trauma.
Overall the book is a really unique insightful read, however at times the tone of the writer made me feel a bit uneasy - and as she admits - you see snippets of her mothers same tone in the writing. I also personally feel like the chapters became repetitive in nature and it was hard to remain focused on the memoir. If you’re going to read this book do it in one big blast if possible - reading it in chunks I found it hard. It was the last 6 chapters are what really had me hooked, I feel like more entries from Helen’s early childhood as well as her mothers entries about her own childhood would’ve been a nice addition; however, understandingly I can guess why these weren’t added.
I want to commend Helen for writing this as I can imagine it was difficult but cathartic.
Overall the book is a really unique insightful read, however at times the tone of the writer made me feel a bit uneasy - and as she admits - you see snippets of her mothers same tone in the writing. I also personally feel like the chapters became repetitive in nature and it was hard to remain focused on the memoir. If you’re going to read this book do it in one big blast if possible - reading it in chunks I found it hard. It was the last 6 chapters are what really had me hooked, I feel like more entries from Helen’s early childhood as well as her mothers entries about her own childhood would’ve been a nice addition; however, understandingly I can guess why these weren’t added.
I want to commend Helen for writing this as I can imagine it was difficult but cathartic.
August 23, 2023
A fascinating, if depressing, read of one woman's struggle to come to terms and deal with her mother's fake illnesses.
The book was fascinating inasmuch as the mother managed to hoodwink her friends and the medical profession for years with her claims that she had ME, an illness that supposedly made her too ill and tired to undertake any form of activity. Later, she "recovered" from ME but, instead, had Parkinson's disease which, again, caused falls, tiredness, paranoia etc. until she reached the point when she had to live in a care home.
The person to be pitied was not the mother but her daughter, the author of the book, who had no real childhood since she had to take on many of the household chores at a very young age. She later found herself trying to placate her mother while caring for her own two children and husband.
All this makes for distressing enough reading but the worst was yet to come, when Helen discovers that she was actually neglected and subjected to physical and mental abuse as a baby and toddler.
If you are unfortunate enough to have to deal with a Munchausen's patient, this book will resonate with you; if you are lucky enough not to have to, you will be amazed by facility with which somebody can use this condition to further bolster their narcissistic hold on those around them.
The book was fascinating inasmuch as the mother managed to hoodwink her friends and the medical profession for years with her claims that she had ME, an illness that supposedly made her too ill and tired to undertake any form of activity. Later, she "recovered" from ME but, instead, had Parkinson's disease which, again, caused falls, tiredness, paranoia etc. until she reached the point when she had to live in a care home.
The person to be pitied was not the mother but her daughter, the author of the book, who had no real childhood since she had to take on many of the household chores at a very young age. She later found herself trying to placate her mother while caring for her own two children and husband.
All this makes for distressing enough reading but the worst was yet to come, when Helen discovers that she was actually neglected and subjected to physical and mental abuse as a baby and toddler.
If you are unfortunate enough to have to deal with a Munchausen's patient, this book will resonate with you; if you are lucky enough not to have to, you will be amazed by facility with which somebody can use this condition to further bolster their narcissistic hold on those around them.
December 30, 2022
The book is very well written and gives such good insight.
Was a bit slow for me, I like twists and suprises. Regardless, lovely read and eye opening.
Was a bit slow for me, I like twists and suprises. Regardless, lovely read and eye opening.
October 14, 2021
A really interesting read, really enjoyed it
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