Zen and the Art of Dealing with Difficult People: How to Learn from Your Troublesome Buddhas

by Mark Westmoquette

This is a guide to applying the teachings of mindfulness and Zen to the troublesome or challenging people in our lives. Perhaps you can see there’s often a pattern to your behaviour in relation to them and that it often causes pain – perhaps a great deal of pain. The only way we can grow is by facing this pain, acknowledging how we feel and how we’ve reacted, and making an intention or commitment to end this repeating pattern of suffering.

In this book, Mark Westmoquette speaks from a place of profound personal experience. A Zen monk, he has endured two life-changing traumas caused by other his sexual abuse by his own father; and his stepfather’s death and mother’s very serious injury in a car crash due to the careless driving of an off-duty policeman. He stresses that by bringing awareness and kindness to these relationships, our initial stance of “I can’t stand this person, they need to change” will naturally shift into something much broader and more inclusive. The book makes playful use of Zen koans – apparently nonsensical phrases or stories – to help jar us out of habitual ways of perceiving the world and nudge us toward a new perspective of wisdom and compassion.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Zen, Psychology, Buddhism, Philosophy, Mental Health

223 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 14, 2021

Reviews

[Stacy (Gotham City Librarian)]

I realize it’s laughable that I’m giving up on this at 53%, given the title and subject matter. But the book isn’t written in a very helpful manner for me, personally. It’s mostly anecdotes about people who successfully worked out their problems, all by coming to the same conclusion that they needed to look inward at their own issues. As a result, in essentially every scenario the subject of the example ends up thankful to the difficult person in their life for showing them their own shortcomings. That’s great, but how about some actual tips and advice? Those things were minimal. I don’t know why I keep taking chances on self-help books, because they’re hardly ever worth the time.

[GONZA · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book, because it offers a vision that allows, or at least allowed me, to rethink some situations that had been bothering me for years, in a new frame.
It is not that it hurts less, but it is certainly more useful not only to bear the pain, but also to learn something more about ourselves and others.

Questo libro mi é veramente piaciuto molto, perché offre una visione che permette, o almeno mi ha permesso, di ripensare alcune situazioni che mi disturbavano da anni, in una nuova cornice.
Non é che poi faccia meno male, ma sicuramente é piú utile non solo a sopportare il dolore, ma anche per imparare qualcosa di piú sia su noi stessi che sugli altri.

I received from the Publisher a complimentary digital advanced review copy of the book in exchange for a honest review.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

The combination of zen and self-help is not a new one, but the author makes his pitch well. The book is filled with anecdotes from his life and the life of others. For me, personally, I felt like the entire book could have just been the last chapter, which sums it all up neatly, but then the author would not have had a book to publish.

If you already know something of Zen, none of this will be new to you. If you're interested in Zen, perhaps this will be illuminating. From my point of view, it was mostly simple common sense, but I'm sure this book will find some avid readers.

Thank you to Net Galley for an advance copy of this book.

[Kylie · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some good tips for keeping calm in the moment, but I can’t abide by the recurring theme that it’s ok for people to hurt you if that’s all they’re capable of. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily the only way, and it’s harmful to claim that.

[Madeline · Rating 1 out of 5]

Good thought, and good for the first 1/4, but the repetition and lack of a real hook made it impossible to finish.

[Ren · Rating 1 out of 5]

As someone who's not super educated on Buddhism / Zen Buddhism, but has done a moderate amount of research on the philosophies it teaches - I think this book was extremely surface-level, over-simplified, and to put it bluntly, useless. Maybe this book would bring some amount of realization and benefit to someone who knows absolutely nothing about Buddhism and its teachings, but I think there are thousands of self-help books, philosophy books, Buddhism books, etc. that would be much more beneficial and/or educational to anyone.
It's mostly ramblings and yapping that goes in circles for 100-something pages. It's one of those books you read and you're half way through wondering where the "meat" is. You push through, thinking that surely it's somewhere... It's not.
The advice of this book could be summed up in a few sentences: Allow yourself permission to and compassion through feeling all of your emotions, accept them as they come, and they will eventually become "softened." Yadda yadda, forgiveness helps you heal and resentment only hurts yourself, yadda yadda. And through troublesome people in our lives, we can recognize our own shortcomings thus growing from our encounters with these people.
That's it. That is literally all it says in all of its pages, with like twenty anecdotes of each point.
Im almost mad I subjected myself to reading this.

Also - not super important, but there were a good bit of typos that peeved me too. For an author who pursued higher education to study the intellect intensive subject of astrophysics, using "women" instead of "woman" and "practise" instead of "practice" multiple times... is just disappointing.

[Mark Culmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks, Mark Westmoquette, for writing such a great book. Sharing your background and insight, combining Zen meditation and mindfulness ways.

One of the koans you wrote about - “How many directions does the eye of compassion look?” really helped with a great conversation with my son in which we were discussing 2-D, 3-D, 4-D realities, the Universe (what went before and what will be after) and the concept of time.

Another koan that helped our conversation - “Does a dog have Buddha-nature?” - although I didn't explicitly mention Mu.

Why the forest image, you know the saying 'NOT SEE THE WOOD FOR THE TREES', this will help you see the wood, navigating your emotions, allowing them to be seen, heard and therefore responding rather than reacting to those 'difficult' people.

Mark Westmoquette. Zen and the Art of Dealing with Difficult People: How to Learn from your Troublesome Buddhas (p. 64). Watkins Media Limited. Kindle Edition.

[Paul Arnesen · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife gave me this book for Christmas, saying it might help me get on with her better! It has! It has also helped me get on with myself better! Mark’s book draws on a wealth of personal experience, Zen Buddhism, contemporary psychology, including attachment theory and the work of Stephen Porges, and Mark’s own scientific understanding of the universe. In addition to this he writes in a very accessible and interesting way. He has helped me understand afresh that we need to listen to the difficult and painful feelings aroused by the experience of separation and being a different and separate self. He has shown me how, through the practice of mindfulness, to relate to these painful emotions in as fear free and compassionate way as possible. And above all he has shown me how the difficult people in my life can teach me how I can ‘see each of them as beautiful, unique expressions of this one universe’ snd how I can see ‘their Buddha-nature’. Thank you Mark!

[MH · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book so much, and I think you will, too! I’ve had some considerable “troublesome Buddhas” in my own life so far. The Zen tools introduced here are valuable for creating the space, clarity, and creative possibilities that we need to navigate well within tricky (or really any) relationships. The sense of shared humanity in this book I also am finding so healing. Getting to read page after page of clear and kind “case studies” of other people’s sticky or challenging interpersonal experiences has made me feel so much less alone or “broken” for having met with relational friction myself over the years (and learned a lot from those dynamics)! It turns out that we all do this — together :-) Wonderful book, which I warmly recommend.

[Kim Touzel · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all have troublesome Buddhas in our lives. Everyone can take something away from reading Zen and the Art of Dealing with Difficult People.
Mark draws from both personal experience and the stories of others in describing how we may also be able to improve how we react and deal with difficult people. I find I am pausing and looking at the difficult people in my life in a more mindful, compassionate way since listening to this audiobook. As Mark states, our troublesome Buddhas should be looked on as our teachers. They can help us look at ourselves differently as we become more mindful of those who have “pushed our buttons” in possibly just minor or more harmful ways.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

I attended a seminar about dealing with difficult people many years ago, and the gist of it was I (the attendees) were the difficult people. There a little of that going on here in that being self-aware is a basic requirement, and zen aspects of this are addressed in the beginning, and then tackling different situations with self-awareness and other approaches is discussed. While this won't solve all of your challenges. there are some good tips and tidbits here, mixed with some common sense. Recommended.

Thanks very much for the free review copy for review!!

[Riccardo Bonaiti · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been one of the most useful books I have read for my personal practice. Reading about other people dealing with their troublesome Buddhas and see how they have dealt with them has given me some insights into my own reacting behaviours with people. That, of course, has helped me to be more mindful when acting around people; more mindful of the importance of my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of the people I happen to be dealing with.

[Antonia Bonomo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I thought the case examples were interesting; It was less about providing step by step details on how to deal with others and more about taking an opportunity to look inward and see how situations can help teach us about ourselves. I enjoyed that facets of psychotherapy were sprinkled in at times (i.e., discussion of attachment theory). I wish there was more similar to the last chapter and less of the.l case examples but enjoyed it very much!

[Clint Coffey · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up. This book offers authentic Buddhist wisdom on dealing with the troublesome Buddhas in our lives, and I did find it genuinely helpful. The book lacks the regular doses of warm humour that makes teachers like Pema Chodron and Jack Kornfield so delightful to read. I would also say that the inclusion of full-blown schizophrenics and physical abusers in a book like this was a mistake - this goes far beyond "difficult". Absolutely worth a read and I am glad I did.

[Mo'In]

Valuable Teachings for a Troubled Relationship

This book is very valuable. This is especially the case for anyone struggling with a challenging partner.

While I occasionally tired of the lengthy case studies\examples of others found in this book, the how-to portions were exceptionally valuable. Highly recommended.

[Hazel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a superb book, written well and clear on all the topics and points. A book that you would pick up repeatedly.

Thanks to Netgalley and Watkins for the ARC copy. This review is my own opinion.

[Tina Panik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full of helpful insights and practical advice.

This was ab ARC.

[Julia Hawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written, human and very helpful advice.

[Paul Feetham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest, open and heartwarming.
Full of really useful examples of everyday troublesome Buddhas that builds to a wonderful crescendo
A brilliant practical Zen manual to read again and again

[Lauren Miraglia. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good advice.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking and easy to follow. Many wise words within.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful and easy to read, with lots of real-world examples for many scenarios. I appreciate Westmoquette's mix of straightforward reason and compassion, which came through clearly in his writing. Lots of brain food here.

[Bella · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some sections were helpful to read at the same time as my experience with some troubles at work and in life. The summary at the end of the book is good.

[Lauren Guajardo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good and relevant advice I can use on a daily basis. Really taking a step back and looking at how you deal with difficult people is amazing advice!

[Tracy Wilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

interesting concept. Well thought out

[Tate Orton · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5

[Ariel Pearce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent book! It was easy to read and was really helpful. I plan to read more by this author in the future.

[Allison Hansen Howe · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a solid okay. Interesting and helpful - but the writing style and tone made it hard to finish.

[Gato Negro · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have mixed reviews on the applicability of some of the principles herein but overall, it was a decent reminder of the principles of Buddhism and a zen way of living.

[Madison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helped me change the way I react when I'm mad or feel like I can't control my feelings. Makes me see others in a different perspective.