It's Not Me, It's You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better.

by John Kim, Vanessa Bennett

Two therapists analyze their own relationship to help untangle the common and frustrating barriers many individuals face on the road to a happy, loving, rewarding partnership. Many of the clients who end up in our respective therapist offices thought they were doing relationships right—avoiding the white picket fence, focusing on careers and experiences over babies and legally-binding documents, choosing someone after they “found themselves” first. However, like clockwork, around their early to mid-thirties, these clients show up at our door. Why? For the first time, they realize that they dislike their relationship and are frustrated by their partner but know that another break-up won’t fix things. They recognize a pattern of relationship misery that has them finally looking in the mirror asking, how do you make a relationship last? It took us many relationships, our own inner self journey (which we’re still on), therapy, therapy school, and helping thousands of people with their relationships, to learn to have better ones ourselves. Vanessa woke up at 31, after ending an engagement and moving to Los Angeles. John thought he woke up at 35 after his divorce. But he didn’t truly wake up until he was pushing 40.  In It’s Not Me, It’s You , John and Vanessa dissect their own relationship to help readers figure out theirs: what their relationships were like in the past, what traumas they carried into the new relationship, and how they work on growing together to foster a healthy and long-term bond. The surprising truth is falling in love is more about you than your partner. It’s more about challenge and growth than comfort and ease, and roots don’t grow from wishful thinking—they grow in the soil of communication, curiosity, patience, and understanding. It’s Not Me, It’s You is for anyone looking for real advice on relationships that takes both sides into account and discusses relationships with the honesty and clarity we all need.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Personal Development, Mental Health

288 pages, Hardcover

Published September 6, 2022

About the author

John Kim LMFT (The Angry Therapist) pioneered the online life coaching movement seven years ago, after going through a divorce which led to his total re-birth. He quickly built a devoted following of fans who loved the frank and authentic insights that he freely shared on social media. He pulled the curtain back and showed himself by practicing transparency and sharing his story something therapists are taught not to do. Kim became known as an unconventional therapist who worked out of the box by seeing clients at coffee shops, on hikes, in a CrossFit box. He built a coaching team of his own and launched a sister company called JRNI, creating a new way to help people help people and change the way we change. He lives in Los Angeles.

Reviews

[booksbikesbooze · Rating 3 out of 5]

3-3.5 stars...

I religiously listen to Ed Mylett’s podcast; he never disappoints. Last week, I listened to the episode with John Kim, the Angry Therapist. It was a fantastic podcast! I took so many notes, and immediately ordered this book.

The book was ok – I felt like it was a lot of what I had just listened to, though. I think the podcast episode resonated with me so much more, so I was a little underwhelmed with the book.

The authors (two therapists, who are partners, but not married) repetitively kept saying “and by no means are we perfect”, or “we still have this issue”. It got monotonous. I wanted them to be more confident. There were also a lot of cringey TMI moments from the author’s personal behaviors (the male mostly), that I just felt was too niche and the reader didn’t need to know.

I’d say listen to the podcast episode with Ed Mylett, and skip the book.

[Benjamin Cross · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was awful. There’s lots I didn’t like. Just didn’t like the authors vibes. They felt kind of toxic. She felt uninterested in him as a person and he felt immature (his constantly bringing up sexual things progressively felt more and more creepy). It’s also super heteronormative. I understand that they are straight, but I don’t remember any examples they use that aren’t of a straight couple. With this heteronormativity, they also play up several problematic stereotypes of both men and women (ie, men tend to do this, women tend to be like this). Also, they tend to play things as if it is normal that people in relationships are opposites. Everything feels way too oversimplified and black and white.

Ultimately though, I think there are some incredibly dangerous and problematic sections of this book. While I agree in general that everyone brings baggage to a relationship, their contention that when something is wrong in a relationship it’s both partners fault, including in cases of abusive relationships. This feels grossly negligent. If you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s not your fault.

For example, when talking about attachment styles, they bring up clients they had where she was brandishing a knife at him, which resulted in him locking himself in a bathroom and telling her to leave. They use that to show that he’s an avoidant attachment and she’s anxious…. I’m sorry what? He’s being traumatized in an abusive relationship. He’s trying to avoid being stabbed maybe, not avoid dealing with his emotions.

This book is just gross, oversimplified and in many ways deeply problematic.

[Julene · Rating 2 out of 5]

Therapist meets therapist and gets called out on his nonsense. This is… not that interesting.

[Jenielle Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars!

This isn't the kind of book you'll just breeze through. It requires time to absorb and process the ideas being presented. I consider myself to be quite self-aware, but there were definitely a few parts where I thought, "Yes, I do that, and it's something I can work on." Overall, it’s an interesting read, especially if you’re interested in personal growth. It's always reassuring to hear someone else articulate feelings you’ve had or to realize that you’re not alone in your experiences. My hubby said he will give it a read 😜

[Petruta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cartea este scrisă de doi terapeuți care își analizează propria relație, dar și relațiile anterioare, în speranța de a ajuta cât mai multe persoane la dezlegarea barierelor comune și frustrante.

Tot mai multe cupluri recunosc un tipar eronat în relație și ajung la terapie. Sunt conștiente că o altă despărțire nu ar schimba cu nimic lucrurile.

John și Vanessa povestesc cum au fost relațiile lor în trecut, ce traume au purtat din relație în relație, dar și cum lucrează împreună pentru o relație sănătoasă și pe termen lung.

A fost o lectură interesantă! Ai nevoie de timp să o citești și nu recomand să te grăbești. Pe lângă experiența autorilor, avem și partea teoretică care vine la pachet cu recomandări de cărți, dacă vrei să aprofundezi acest subiect. Mi-au plăcut sinceritatea și perspectiva autorilor de a vedea lucrurile. Nu pot să spun că am rezonat cu toate părerile și este normal.

“Pentru a clădi o relație prosperă, sănătoasă și trainică este nevoie de ceva mai mult decât de fluturi în stomac.” 

“În ultimă instanță, iubirea este o alegere zilnică de a-ți asuma o responsabilitate emoțională față de cineva.”

“Când îmi ia de pe cap din treburile zilnice - precum activități casnice și cele legate de îngrijirea copilului (fără să i-o cer) - mă face să mă simt că sunt într-un parteneriat care îmi oferă siguranță, și nu singură, pierdută în hățișurile casnice ale rutinei zilnice.”

“Amintește-ți, nu este 100% responsabilitatea perechii să-ți umple rezervorul cu iubire; este nevoie să-i vorbești și să-i ceri și tu asta."

[Joni Roe · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this!

Two married therapists come together to write a book on how to “relationship better” and it works, here’s why:

John and Vanessa teach through stories, whether it’s their own or someone they’ve known. This helps make the book so so so much more interesting than other self-help books that just give you concepts. Hearing about these concepts from multiple perspectives is so interesting and I felt like I could really relate so many different times.

I love that while they delve into subjects, they also make recommendations for other authors or books that get deeper into that topic. On top of teaching you about a concept they provide ways you can practice each one in your life and with your partner.

My advice for reading this book is get a highlighter or pencil and read this book one chapter at a time, don’t rush it. Really take the time to relate to each chapter and think about it, this book took me a while to read but for good reason. Anything I highlighted or noted I also took a photo of to send to my partner and we would talk about it each night.

I would recommend this to anyone in a relationship, whether you’re in a rough spot or not, you can always “Relationship Better” 💖

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book during a distressful time in my life and relationship, I was looking to find answers, an understanding of what I know, not know and might've missed out on.

I was basically looking for something to "scratch the itch" in my brain, I've kept emphasizing that I've outgrown unhealthy behaviors however this book hit me like a truck and I would call this my book of revelations because it stripped me raw from all the things I've established for myself so far.

Never had I been so blinded by my own cycles and traumas and this book literally opened my eyes that I am not as blameless as I'd like to seem. One thing I'm aiming to be as I get older is to have the ability to take ownership and accountability for when I hurt people and not point fingers.

I'm glad that I got this book, I will spare you any further details. I breezed through every page and it was cathartic.

[Kate Rebelo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was excellent. It’s very rare you hear people talk about the work that goes into keeping relationships alive & growing. There were actionable items & questions that I’ve already put into play in my own relationship. Patterns I could recognize. No one has a perfect relationship and you can always improve yourself & mindsets. This was helpful & honest without making you feel bad about yourself. Tears were shed while reading but good ones, because I finally had words to put to feelings & it felt like someone understood. I borrowed it from the library but I will be going out and buying a copy to reference & read again. This was my 26th book this year and 100% rates in the top 3.

[Dani Estrada · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fue hermoso leer ambas partes de una relación... Ambos terapeutas, pareja y siendo vulnerables, mostrando su parte de la historia, sus heridas, sus traumas, sus pensamientos, etc... Y aparte, dando terapia con sus conocimientos de codependencia, toxicidad, celos, "fase de enamoramiento", miedos, heridas, y mucho más. Es el segundo libro que leo de John Kim, y este tiene las bellas palabras de su esposa. Tiene un excelente contraste entre lo que creemos y lo que es realidad una relación de pareja y la relación que tenemos con nosotros mismos.

[Bill Zawrotny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Really great book. I've read all of the Angry Therapist's books and it's been educational and enjoyable to watch him grow (as I've grown, actually, because we are roughly the same age). This book is not as raw or hard-hitting as his previous books, but that is kinda the whole point...

Do read this...you'll learn something about yourself and your relationships (past and present).

[Isaac H · Rating 2 out of 5]

Generally helpful, specifically the breakers section, but I just can't get on board with straight couples who speak about being in a relationship like it's Vietnam. The authors clearly are in an excellent relationship yet they're constantly downplaying it, and I am not sure of the reason for that.

[Natasha Hillier · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5 - I loved Vanessa and John’s candid and raw approach to relationships and self. They talk about things in a way that makes it digestible, and their vulnerability about their own relationship is inspiring.

[Svitlana Kravchenko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best book about relationships I have read so far! From a therapist, with lots of stories and insights

[Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of valuable and important discussions here, even for reflecting on intrapersonal relationship

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think it was a pretty good book. I learned a lot about handling long-term relationships, and it was really entertaining when they use real life examples that can make a person go "I've gone through that as well!".

John and Vanessa make you feel like you're going through the process of having a healthier relationship alongside them, and their occupation as therapists is definitely an added bonus.

However, I gave it four starts because I don't agree with some of the things that they encouraged in Chapter 15. I think there is still a little bit of emotional harm that can accidentally be done there no matter how much they say otherwise or even if it seems healthy or logical. Personally, I wouldn't do that to my partner and I also wouldn't want my partner to do that to me as well.

Overall, it was a good book to end the year. It was clear, concise, and provides real life examples for the concepts used in therapy which help somehow demystify them and apply them better in our own lives.

And like how I approached every other self-help book, I took what applied to me and left out what did not.

[Melissa G · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a pretty good book with some very nice insight. The only thing I could say that I disagreed with full heartedly was in chapter 8, when Vanessa states that abuse can be caused by the victim based on what they bring to the table (their past experiences, their perceptions, etc.). From what I understand about relationships that include domestic violence and abuse if the power is not, even in the beginning of the relationship or suddenly becomes altered it’s not the same playing field. I felt like it read that the victims caused their own abuse, and that could’ve been reworded.

[Kris · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am obviously in the minority here, but I truly don't get how so many people liked this book. Look, I was in a very bad relationship for a very long time. In the entirety of this book, whenever either of them spoke of the other (but John's speaking in particular), I thought the same thing that it took me WAY too long to realize in my own life - these people don't even like each other.

Yes, relationships are work. Sometimes, they are super hard because you are experiencing hard things in life that have nothing to do with the relationship, but that make circumstances difficult. But holy crap. Relationships should also be enjoyable.

If I had read this in my marriage, I would have kept trying. If I just worked harder, maybe it would work and be better.

If you are reading this because you are considering reading this book to help in your relationship, don't. If you have to work THIS hard to try to get someone to listen to you, to care about listening to them, to have to assume their intentions are good, etc., I say this completely seriously - leave. There are people out there that you will enjoy being with, and even if you don't find someone else, it is SOOOOOO much better to be alone than to be with someone where every day is a chore.

Relationships should enhance our lives. They should make us better people. They should be fun and meaningful and loving, and telling someone over and over again that you need something and still not getting it tells you something. They don't care about you.

You can't be with a shitty, selfish person and have a good relationship, no matter how many self-help books you read, how much therapy you attend, or how many times you improve your communications skills.

Normalize liking your partner. 'Cause this ain't it.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to say, this book changed my perspective on relationships I actually downloaded Hinge and decided to try and jump back into the dating game (after 6 years of just soloin' it out).

I read John Kim's second book, "Single. On Purpose", and thought he was such a great no-nonsense author that he must have other books. I did find his first book (and haven't decided to read it), but when I randomly saw this book, a relationship book with his current girlfriend/partner, I thought why not?

Like "Single. On Purpose", this book is also no-nonsense, the "perfect" relationship BS that you may read/watch. This book is the blunt truth about their own relationship and all the struggles they had to deal with and dealt with as therapists.

Truly, once you're done reading, you want to read more, and I did appreciate the Appendixes; the first one is a reminder of the stuff that was presented from the start, and a few "reminders" that life's short and enjoy it. The second appendix is a nice journaling exercise that both authors did, which is a reminder to one self, you're grown/mature.

Looking forward to another book from either author.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's not your typical self-help book where it says you need to work on yourself before getting in a relationship (although to some degree it is true)

It hit close to home when they said that no one is truly ready to be in a relationship, and trial and error allows growth in becoming a better partner. If you find yourself struggling somehow in a relationship, just remember to swim through the waves in order to meet the calm 🌊.

I really resonate with Vanessa, with similar upbringings and patterns of being the avoidant one. Just reading about the experience of two relationship therapists on what it's like to be in a romantic relationship with each other, is a great reminder that there is no such thing as a perfect partner.

I absolutely loved it, you can feel their authenticity in their different styles of writing and how it reflects their personality.
I'm also in awe on how they managed to write a book together and how their parts flow nicely, that takes some skill.

[O o · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the self-help book that I’ve read in the shortest amount of time because of how addicting and relatable it is. John and Vanessa are exemplars of imperfect humans who try their best through a commitment to growing with each other and from within. Reading Vanessa’s perspective and letter to her exes was like reading my own diary, but more eloquent of course.

This book tugged at my heartstrings and inspire me to apply the practical tips in my relationships (romantic and platonic) to show up for my loved ones. The journaling prompts are excellent for generating deep self insight so I can show up for myself. I am reminded to show more compassion, understanding and intentional love for my loved ones and self.

A must read for those who are in relationships, recently heart broken or singles ready to mingle!

[Bowen Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having the aspects of both people in the relationship who contributed to this book helped give refreshing perspectives in how imperfect we are as humans. Not just in romance, but in life in general.

To truly come from a place to give and receive love, work must be done internally and jointly and I believe the book did a great job at making those points. It did seem very simplified in terms of concepts, but catering to the audience who may not have a background in therapeutic practices is a good approach.

I enjoyed the read and realize that it’s okay when things don’t happen the way you want them. Showing up for yourself is step one. Showing up for someone you want to build something with is step two.

[Cristina Guerra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I consistently reference John Kim in my personal work with partners of addiction @relationships.and.recovery and in my circle of loved ones. I recommend John and Vanessa’s book (this one) and Kim’s other book (single.on purpose) simply because relationships always take two to tango and for many of us, we tend to point fingers and blame for dynamics that we are willingly participating in. referencing their work helps my own clients grasp that they are in much more control of their lives than they think they are. loved this book as it drove home so many points john kim makes on his socials. believe it or not, his podcast and his posts when he had under 9k followers changed my life and helped me out of a super toxic relationship. he is out here changing lives! i’m just passing it on!

[Reeve Furgueson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not even being dramatic this book 1. gave me closure I didn't even know I needed from a breakup and 2. I believe is part of the reason I ended in such a healthy/happy relationship with higher standards. Regardless of your relationship status, even if you think your relationship is perfect, this is SO INSIGHTFUL and gives you so many new perspectives that you probably wouldn't even think of. Seriously life changing for anyone I think and will help you grow so much- and even more if you are in a rut or in a relationship and think you need a little push to stand up for yourself and what you deserve😌

[Megan Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed the back and forth perspective, lots of opportunity to see myself and many of my observed and experienced relationships through the dual sided perspectives. I would recommend… Remembering that it is a mixture of self help and memoir, some is advice but much is personal experience! I think that might put some people off who are looking for all ideal responses and mastery of emotions from their therapists. But for me, I found the honesty refreshing and realistic- we are all on a journey and none of us are finished with the work.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this were thought-provoking, parts of it were a bit cringe, parts were repetitive. Best used in small doses so you can marinate on a chapter and the questions it asks you, rather than reading a whole bunch in one go. (I had to check this out of the library three separate times to finish it.) The authors have no issue in laying themselves bare for the book, showing that even therapists have to work hard at building a sustainable relationship. That ends up veering towards TMI territory, but that's the character/brand these two play for the public, so it is what it is, I guess.

[Maria Leonardi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I couldn't get through this book, it was so painful to read. From the beginning, these two seemed like they were forcing a relationship that just was not working. They didn't seem compatible, nor did they seem to even like each other. I've learned a lot from past relationships and therapy and this is what I would have done before I had more awareness about what a healthy relationship looks like. If this is what compromise and understanding looks like, I want no part of it. Makes me feel sorry for them.

[Haylee · Rating 4 out of 5]

no surprise, john and vanessa have all the realistic, actionable, and nuanced golden nuggets on life, long-term relationships, and understanding self. i really enjoyed this book, and i'm glad they decided to write it, and give us a relatable inside look at their own relationship journey. i definitely teared up at the conclusion, thinking about it relating to my own long term relationship and myself. beautifully written.

[Mar · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed how these two therapists combined their own experiences with advice on communication and relationships. It didn't feel like they have it all worked out and we don't, it was much more nuanced than that. They mentioned the reader possibly having a therapist with a frequency that would be annoying if the reader wants and doesn't have access to therapy (or doesn't want a therapist). Otherwise I thought it was a great book and I'm so glad I read it.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy John Kim's brutally honest and willingness to share about his relationship with his current partner who is also a therapist and how they briefly touch on attachment styles, communication methods, and their own experience. I found this book and his other book how to be single very insightful.