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416 pages, Hardcover
First published May 7, 2019
"Don't you know the stories? Death birds are said to guide the souls of fallen climbers out of this world. If you believe what the old guides and mountain folk say, at least."
"And do you?"
He smiles. "Did you know mountain rescuers often find fallen climbers without their eyes? By the time they find the bodies, the birds have already gotten to them. Ravens, jackdaws, crows; they pick out the eyes and swallow them up."
"Jeez, really?"
"Ask one of those guides. They say the birds do it so the soul is free to escape. Otherwise it's doomed to stay and haunt the place it was found in. But sometimes the soul doesn't want to leave and it lingers inside the bird for a while. They say that if you listen, you can hear their screams coming from the mountains at night."
Every year, climbers—sometimes entire teams—disappear into deep glacial voids and die in their frozen darkness. If the mountain is merciful, the drop is deep enough to smash them into silence in one go. Most victims, however, are trapped between blue, narrowing walls of ice, and as their body warmth melts the ice, they sink slowly deeper and deeper, until they die very consciously of asphyxiation.
The people in the stairwell are still there.
They're closer now.
He turned to look at me, and, man, chills up and down my spine. On the bandage strips, where his mouth shoulda been, he'd Sharpied a smiley mouth. A black, half-moon curve, crossed at the edges for round Cupid cheeks. Coulda been innocuous, but wasn't. Cuz his head was moving and the smiley wasn't, giving his face the grisliness of a puppet come to life.
But the top half was real, and that was Nick. He made a muffled sound, looked happy to see me.
He typed on his iPad:
Smile!
This way you'll always know it's me and never mistake me for someone else. When I smile, you don't have to be scared of me, okay?
I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. I smiled to be on the safe side and said, "I'm not scared of you."
But I was.
When I looked up, I saw him slowly swing his right arm and put his hand on his Sharpied smiley mouth.
I hadn't even gotten halfway to the village before I wish I'd stayed home. The valley was on the verge of a panic attack. The mountains seemed to have been disjointed. The sky rocked. The cold unhinged. There are November mornings when the cold is clear, crackling, and crisp, but this cold was sticky, syrupy, clung to you. Like it was begging you for help. You, the first organism to have crossed its path, and would you please take it with you and protect it from what's about to happen, because that was much, much worse than the cold itself.
Jesus. The Morose hadn't even got started yet and my metaphors were already going haywire.
I stick my frozen hands under my Gore-Tex coat and in my armpits. The burning pain that takes over my fingers as the blood flows back into them pushes all my thoughts out of my head and I have to scream.


come to my blog!Every year, climbers—sometimes entire teams—disappear into deep glacial voids and die in their frozen darkness. If the mountain is merciful, the drop is deep enough to smash them into silence in one go. Most victims, however, are trapped between blue, narrowing walls of ice, and as their body warmth melts the ice, they sink slowly deeper and deeper, until they die very consciously of asphyxiation.
There are November mornings when the cold is clear, crackling, and crisp, but this cold was sticky, syrupy, clung to you. Like it was begging you for help. You, the first organism to have crossed its path, and would you please take it with you and protect it from what's about to happen, because that was much, much worse than the cold itself.
Jesus. The Morose hadn't even got started yet and my metaphors were already going haywire.
You’ve often asked me why I climb mountains. You’ve also often asked me (I wouldn’t say begged, though it’s not far off the mark) to stop. Our worst argument was about this, and it was the only time I was really afraid that I would lose you. I’ve never been able to fully explain it to you. I wonder if it’s at all possible to fully explain to someone who isn’t a climber. There’s an apparently unbridgeable gap between the thought that I risk my life doing something as trifling as climbing a cold lump of rock and ice…and the notion of traveling through a floating landscape, progressing with utmost concentration while having absolute control of the essential balance that keeps me alive and that, therefore, lets me live. Conquering that gap is possibly the most difficult climb in the life of any alpinist who is in a relationship.