Listen, Learn & Love: Improving Latter Day Saint Culture

by Richard Ostler

Many faithful children of our Heavenly Parents find it difficult to stay in the Church, not because of doctrine or a lack of desire to keep the commandments, but because of Latter-day Saint culture. The good news is that we need not wait to be more welcoming and inclusive. We can all be part of the solution. In these pages, you'll find stories about improving our culture by - less judgmental and more loving - not measuring progress by Church callings - better hearing and valuing women - acquiring a better framework for ending pornography use - hope-filled repentance - creating better understanding of mental illness and suicide - overcoming scrupulosity (religious OCD) - embracing early-release and service missionaries - manifesting love in political differences - and compassionately ministering to those with questions. Through the power of storytelling, former YSA bishop Richard Ostler invites all of us to listen, learn, and love so we can do our part to improve Church culture. This book-which is supportive of the Church, its leaders, and doctrine-is an extension of Ostler's enormously popular podcast Listen, Learn, and Love and his earlier book, Listen, Learn, and Embracing LGBTQ Latter-day Saints.

Genres: Lds, LGBT, Religion, Nonfiction, Spirituality

280 pages, Paperback

Published March 8, 2022

Reviews

[Kayla Marble · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great examples of how we can “stop it”. Stop judging, stop excluding, stop dismissing in church culture.

[Jamir Lopez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Empathy is a super power.
This book will give anyone who reads it a little bit more empathy. Church experience is not the same for everyone.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

An instruction manual for not being lame at church. In several chapters, I thought, “yeah, I’m already pretty solid on this,” but then found deeper insights and wider perspective. Humble, informed, multi-vocal, anecdotal, doctrinal, uplifting, hopeful.

And also—why must we read this book, swim upstream to sidestep pettiness and judginess at church? Where is the disconnect from Jesus’ teachings that even makes chapters on not measuring progress by high-status callings or not judging nonstandard missions even remotely necessary? Why does church culture not already take us to the places this book points to?

[Andrea Croskey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should be mandatory reading for all church members.

[K · Rating 4 out of 5]

By the time I actually read this I had encountered most of these ideas in other formats, but there's still a lot here to like.


p. 65 "I felt that our culture had conditioned my son to look to our leaders for this needed preparation, elevating their role over parents. I noticed patterns that can create a 'Church leader-focused, parent-diminished' culture. ... I am suggesting a greater sensitivity in leading our children to look to their parents first for gospel learning and spiritual preparation ..."

p. 153 "I worry that our culture has created an expectation that our leaders have reached a point in their mortal journey that they are almost knocking on the door of perfection. No leader I know feels that they are near-perfect, but our culture sometimes elevates them to this place. When we do this, it can make them less relatable and approachable for ordinary members."

p. 155, quoting Henri Nouwen "Over the last few years I have been increasingly aware that true healing mostly takes place through the sharing of weakness. Mostly we are so afraid of our weaknesses that we hide them at all costs and thus make them unavailable to others but also often to ourselves. And, in this way, we end up living double lives even against our own desires ..."

p. 243 Quoting Paul Reeve "'You can be a faithful Latter-day Saint and not believe that the racial restrictions were of God or of divine origin. In fact, as a historian, that's where the evidence is. When you respond by calling my faith into question, that is really hurtful. ... So you're asking me to believe that God was a racist rather than a prophet, a human, a fallible human was a racist? That's what it boils down to.' ... Understanding that substantial changes have been enacted in the past can prepare us in anticipation of further developments in the future. In the meantime, we should extend support and grace to our leaders who are called of God and have priesthood keys and authority to lead the Church, as well as to individuals who are unsettled about various aspects of our doctrine and organization."

p. 246 quoting Jared Halverson "You don't have to be an expert to be a conversation partner. You may need to turn to people who know specific answers to Church history issues or doctrinal concerns. But what people need first and foremost is a listening ear. 'You're a human being and your story matters, and your experience is as valid as anyone else's, and I want to hear it. YOu deserve to be heard and to be validated, to be welcomed and loved.'"

[Dan]

In his chapter on being non-judgmental the author identifies the problem, “The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we have to fix that…” Then there is the bumper sticker that Elder Uchtdorf mentioned, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.” Then he talks about too many people who have had high level callings, who need to be humble enough to accept and embrace any calling, otherwise you end up with older leaders who put themselves “Out to Pasture.” It reminds me of the old Dean Martin son, “To many Chiefs and not Enough Indians around this place.” Nothing is accomplished without workers willing to perform basic tasks.

I like the chapter on women in the church where they point out that when a new stake president is called. Recommendations are solicited from priesthood leaders, but not from the stake Relief Society, Primary or Young Women’s presidents. Nor are they solicited for input on possible realignment of ward boundaries.

His chapter on pornography provides leaders with a good approach to working with parents and youth in teaching and counseling about avoiding pornography. He also emphasizes that he considers it to be a minor sin, one where the individual chooses whether to ask their bishop for help in counseling or decide to work through the repentance process on their own.

President Nelson believes we can improve our understanding of repentance, shifting it away from punishment to a more positive experience of change. He states that, “Jesus is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit – even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our spouse, teach our children, and even care for our bodies.” Repentance is not an event it is a daily process. The author states that as a bishop, when sitting in council with a YSA (Young Single Adult) his focus was to help the individual realize that Godly sorrow and a change of heart capture the central elements of the repentance process. A change of heart means giving up the sin, with a deeper resolve to move forward. He added that a checklist to assignments was not always the best solution. He would counsel together with the individual in a team effort that allowed for collaboration, to help the individual find Godly sorrow through a change of heart.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a collection of essays and personal stories to help incite positive change in church culture. It’s aim is to decrease judgment and hurtful actions/words, increase understanding, and expand love and belonging. “I believe that hearing a variety of perspectives is key to improving our attitudes about others’ decisions.” Some topics discussed are women in the church, overcoming scrupulosity (religious OCD), ministering to those who question, variations of missionary service, and love and politics. I've heard many of these topics discussed in other books or podcasts, but the stories helped expand my understanding and compassion, and I hope voices like these can continue to help our church become more loving and Christ-like. “Everyone is so needed, their voices are important, and everyone does belong.”

-“How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew.” p. 3 (Elder Uchtdorf)

-“As I placed my hands on her head that evening, I received a severe rebuke from the Spirit. I was made acutely aware of her goodness and allowed to see her as God saw her—not as someone who struggled with the gospel of and life but as someone who had to deal with difficult issues I did not have…During that final evening with my sister, I believe God was asking me, ‘Can’t you see that everyone around you is a sacred being?’…From the Spirit’s rebuke at my sister’s bedside, I learned a great lesson: that as we see as He sees, ours will be a double victory—redemption of those we touch and redemption of ourselves.” (Elder Gay) p. 257

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great book by Richard Ostler teaching us to make our church communities communities of Christ, communities of belonging, and a little closer to the Zion we are trying to achieve. As the titles of his books suggests, it starts with truly listening to others and trying to understand their experiences, and then responding with nonjudgment and love - and how doing that blesses US and our entire faith community. "The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we need to fix that." - Carol F. McConkie, Young Women General Presidency 2013-2018 (Topics: Being nonjudgmental, focusing on coming to Christ not callings, women in the church, ending pornography use, hope-filled repentance, better understanding mental illness and suicide, overcoming scrupulosity, variations in missionary service, manifesting love even in politics, ministering to those with questions)

[Swhite · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book that exemplifies listening, learning and loving others better in our covenant communities. Through personal shared experiences of members who have different faith, mental health issues and missions the author helps the reader understand the nuances of spirituality in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As members of the “body of Christ” we can appreciate one another’s strengths and weaknesses for the journey of mortal life that they are and turn the stumbling blocks of judgment into the compassionately curious stepping stones that lead to a powerfully diverse and unified family.

[Trina · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we need to fix that."
- Carol F. McConkie, Young Women general presidency 2013-2018

We like to talk in the Church about being of one heart, building Zion. But we don't DO a good job very often, and Bishop Ostler gives concrete, specific examples in this book of when and where Church members can do better, be better.

[Lacey · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are a lot of things that can stand to be improved in LDS culture, and Ostler is right on in his discussion of what needs to happen and further, what we can do about it. He covers topics such as variations in missionary service, women in the church, hope filled repentance, better understanding suicide, and ministering to those who question, among other topics. I recommend it to members of the LDS faith who would like to see some unhealthy patterns change.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has felt like their voice doesn’t matter in the church and like they don’t belong, I’m grateful for this book. There is much we can do to improve church culture, to be inclusive and welcoming to everyone and this book is a great place to start. I think it should be required reading for all members!

[Jennifer Farr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It gave me a lot of things to think about. It look a long time for me to read because I pondered a lot of ideas. The stories were heart breaking and prompted me to look internally and do an honest gut check of my actions, thoughts and words.
I would recommend this book to anyone trying to love more and judge less.

[Ashley Funk · Rating 4 out of 5]

What the technical and poetic language lack is made up by the insightful and tender stories. This book is a great reminder that every person has their own unique story, and each person is of infinite worth in the kingdom of God.

[Brinda Bair · Rating 5 out of 5]

Richard Ostler hits the nail on the head in every section of this book and gave me oh so much to think and reflect on. I really hope this is the church "culture" we can reach in the LDS church. I appreciated all the different stories and experiences shared. When we know better, we can do better.

[robin marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The material is important but I felt perhaps I was not the ideal audience since I have thought a lot about all these topics and read and listened etc. this book is also very quote heavy (general conference) and I tended to skim those as well as the personal anecdotes included.

[Brittany F · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listening to the podcast and reading these stories of LGBT (mostly) members of my own faith has given me such a deep appreciation and love for people who are different from me. I will never be the same. This is the work Jesus wants us to do. Loving all of God's children.

[Jasmine Coleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

As one who doesn’t always feel like she fits in the “trad” boxes in Mormonism it was a breathe of fresh air to embrace the experiences of others wrestling with the same thing and loved the invitations to drop the culture, traditions, and stupid stuff to love better.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing new here, but possibly useful for those who haven't been interested in or ever exposed to more open-hearted thinking on these topics.

[Jane Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent discussion of various cultural issues which can help members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ponder how to be more Christ-like.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you ever want to just put your hands in the air and say amen? This book could have potentially saved me and those around me from so much trauma. May it reach more people and make a difference.

[Lucy Despain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good insights! More people should read this book!

[Makayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! This is so amazing. This really changed my perspective on things, and validated some of my remaining views I thought were not common with others. PLEASE READ

[Nicole Stanton · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was excellent. It helped me recognize some changes I need to be more loving.

[Angela Dayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would only recommend this book to individuals who have a strong testimony of their Savior, and are able to differentiate between doctrine and culture. It was very eye opening to see the perspectives of many people who have different experiences within the church. I definitely have a better understanding and love for those who have chosen to leave the church. After reading this book, I can definitely say I believe their choices are valid. Unfortunately because of the culture, sometimes the church genuinely isn’t a safe place for certain individuals to stay. I think it is healthy for people to set boundaries and not stay in unsafe circumstances. They are very brave to leave behind something that was so core to them, and often is still a huge part of their family/ friends lives. It causes inward reflection in regards to what we can do as a people to be more loving, less judgmental, and more safe for all people of all walks of life.

This book inspired me to make many simple changes to improve Latter Day Saint culture. For example, something so easy to do: when talking about suicide, NOT using the word “committed” but rather say “died by suicide” to remove the shame associated by the word committed. Suicide happens as a result of depression, which is a very real mental illness, and should not have shame surrounding it. Just like you wouldn’t have shame surrounding a person dying of cancer. Depression is just as real as cancer, and dispelling old stigmas surrounding it, would be an amazingly loving gesture towards those who suffer with it. There are lots of other things like that in this book to help modify/neutralize things to make the church a healthier place for all of Gods children to be.

[McKenna Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! With focus on improving church culture.
Some subjects I really found insightful and interesting:
-being less judgmental & more loving
-better hearing and valuing women
-creating better understanding of mental illness and suicide
-compassionately ministering to those with questions
-hope filled repentance
-embracing early-release and service missionaries